This is not just ending a relationship and grieving the emotional connection with another person – this was emotional and psychological abuse that traumatizes the victim! This abuse is debilitating and the victim needs love, help, support and most importantly heard and understood so that they can move forward and get the necessary help and then go back out into the world feeling mentally, emotionally and physically healthy again – that and to able to trust people.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
This type of abuse has exposed you to horrible manipulation, confusion, betrayal, resounding fear and terror because of the coercive methods from the Narcissist as well as dehumanizing control and TRAUMA. It is not the target/victim JUST grieving the loss of love, it is the grieving of the dehumanization and subjugation from their perpetrator or the Narcissist. The target/victim bundles everything up and somehow even blames themselves as if they created everything they are feeling as well as deserve it. There may be biological children involved, financial ruin and character assassination waiting for the target/victim as well from the Narcissist’s smear campaign. This is probably the darkest time of the target/victim’s life having to deal with the total devaluation, discard, and devastation from someone that they BELIEVED loved them and cared for them! This is betrayal so hideous that a person that has never experienced this abuse could NEVER even start to realize the damage that is done to a target/victim and the extreme trauma it causes to them and their life.
Time alone does not heal these wounds! Unfortunately for the target/victim there is the tendency where family, friends, loved ones, or people in general will account for the target/victim’s behavior as flaws in THEIR personality as if they gave into or deserved the abuse because they did not leave the Narcissist. Nobody is listening to the real truth of your situation because it sounds so incredulous so the pleas for help are lost with the misinterpretation of your situation. Once AGAIN the target/victim is left with more isolation, damage, vulnerable AND alone to figure this out on their own. Most people just presume that THEY would have been more resourceful or show greater courage, strength, and resistance if THEY were the victim and in similar circumstances. They will just tell the target/victim to move on and allow time to heal the wounds. What does this message say or do to the target/victim? It makes them BELIEVE that they ARE the source of their own problems and it is reinforcing the abuse from the Narcissist instead of helping. This is a very lonely and scary place to be!
With emotional and psychological battering or abuse victims are entrapped by extreme manipulative and psychological persuasion over a lengthy period of time or basically brainwashing. What was the nature of our perpetrator when we met them? Did they have us at gunpoint forcing us into this psychological terrorism or did they offer us something so very familiar, normal, trustworthy and welcoming called LOVE? Yes they did and if that doesn’t define a predator I don’t know what does! I have met very many wonderful friends that were victims of this abuse from all over the world since I started writing that I interact with daily and they are some of the strongest and most centered people I have ever encountered. There isn’t anything about them that shouts out to me that they allowed their abuse! They are full of love, empathy and high functioning individuals!
Well let’s go to the source of your abuse, a Narcissist. Now let’s define this Narcissist. They are mentally unbalanced and unhealthy and basically not a fully functioning human being so with that thought in mind they are quite capable of poisoning our minds and harming our reality – JUST FACT. Whether they have a disdain for all things human or they are cruel, evil, despicable or whatever THEY ARE TOXIC and destructive to us. If you educate yourself and understand what we lovingly call their ‘arsenal of tools’ it will spell out their agenda and a definite pattern of what all Narcissists do to ALL of their targets/victims. The key words that describes the whole cycle of abuse is love-bombing, devaluation, discard and I always add smearing or destroying the victim’s integrity and most importantly traumatization! In a nutshell they are the reason that our reality has been so distorted and disabled.
The journey to recovery is now a process because we were unconsciously living and dealing with all the destructive messages we internalized and validated as our reality. We MUST seek out education about this abuse and the truth about our situation as a key to unlock the door to our recovery. Yes those messages are going to be in our head for a good while BUT we have to create a healthy balance and desensitize them with a strong education about these perpetrators of this personality disorder. What this means is that we have to move into a place where it is possible for us to recognize that a person HAS betrayed us in a manner to control us through psychological and emotional l abuse. We have to think about it in terms to validate the truth of the situation, but not to try to dissect the Narcissist and put our energy into trying to get into their heads or constantly reliving the abuse with more and more questions as if we could have done something to fix this relationship and the Narcissist. We spent a great deal of time trying to fix or basically heal them and we gave away too much of ourselves. Turn this around and accept the truth that they are completely disordered and put that healing power back into yourself.
The recovery process is so multi-dimensional that it means that there are really no simple answers to the question “how do I stop the pain and what do I do to move forward with my recovery?” There are answers that we need to have in the beginning of our recovery but they are basically concerning the educational process and a tried and true direction so we are ‘in the know’ about this disorder and can get our ‘ah ha’ moment and move forward with the truth.
The first revelation we must ABSOLUTELY accept is that the Narcissist will never give you any satisfaction with any question as to ‘why’ or any closure – UNLESS they want something more from us and it will only be more distorted manipulation and abuse. Believe me they are not going to help you through your process of recovery when they were your abuser. They have probably already ran off to new supply to do what they do best and basically that is extort the next person that will be in your same shoes one day. You will need to let go of thinking that you need them to understand what you are going through or that you will be successful at changing them in some manner and get that validation. That would pull you right back into the trauma that you are trying to heal from already as well as giving your power away and setting yourself up for more abuse! The Narcissist is not any part of your recovery as looking to them for anything to help the process along.
Seriously I had to shut my Narcissist down with complete no-contact or go insane listening to the craziness! It was crystal clear what I was dealing with and I did shut it down. I would still be receiving emails and text messages to this day if I didn’t. It was like a party to this Narcissist being able to have free range raging at me, making fun of me, telling me sick and perverted stories of their crazy sex life, and projecting every horrendous thing this Narcissist did ‘onto and into’ me. That was enough for me to actualize just how dysfunctional this person was/is. Seeing and hearing them when their mask is off is frightening and eye opening. It was like projectile lies and ‘crazy making’ being shot at me from everywhere.
It is important for all of us to be validated as it concerns this abuse but that validation has to come from ourselves because a Narcissist is NEVER going to allow themselves to be exposed as an abuser. In fact that Narcissist is STILL abusing AFTER THE FACT through a vicious smear campaign using every piece of personal information they have learned against you. This is just more of their devaluation and when they abandon you they mean to leave no trace of your reality in tact SO THEY CAN FEEL SAFE and avoid exposure!
The Narcissist has manipulated and managed us down and into not trusting OUR own feelings and perceptions. Over the years we internalized this twisted and distorted relationship and bent our own emotions until we almost snapped in half in an effort to fix the relationship we THOUGHT we had. We can’t buy into those distortions and recover. That process is still running through our heads even though they have physically parted from our lives and we MUST shut this down. It was a horrendous roller coaster ride to keep us in a state of confusion and fear with so many ups and downs with no end to the ride and now it is time to jump off.
As hard as it may seem for us to purge all of the abuse out of us, it CAN be done. We were normal and psychologically sound people pre-Narcissist and we can get back to what and who we once were. It does require deep introspection and setting up new and strong boundaries in our life and even taking a look at our part in any of this. There are many theories out there and they all have their purpose, but it has to begin with us. Get healthy first by breaking completely away from the emotional tie or that bond that only you formed with the charming lies from the Narcissist. This can be done with minimal contact as well (when there are divorce proceedings or biological children) – BUT everything that ties you to a Narcissist has to be BUSINESS only because remember they abuse and want to always have that control over you to drag you back in – DON’T let them.
You HAVE the ability to change if you deprogram the messages that have been imprinted on your mind but only if you ALLOW yourself to be your OWN motivator in this process. Just say ‘NO’ to the Narcissist. Remember the old drug campaign that showed an egg as describing your ‘healthy’ brain, and then it showed that same egg in a frying pan stating this is your brain on drugs (the fried egg.) Well just switch that around to the fired egg being your brain by accepting a Narcissist as any part of your life or recovery. Please understand no/minimal contact and start on your road to recovery, it is imperative to moving on! All of this starts with no/minimum contact! Greg