Let’s call this what it is ABUSE – and let’s call a Narcissist what they really are – a predator that seeks out prey by camouflaging themselves first, and then moving in for the kill or in the case of this abuse destroying a good person’s life!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
The Narcissist preys upon unsuspecting people just like a predator that creates an unfair advantage over them. Then with the “agenda” of achieving supply they devour our individuality and resources and whatever else they can from us – they never pick a fair fight because IT IS ALL SMOKE AND MIRRORS to lure us into their trap. They are bullies, period that use lies and manipulation while hiding in the shadows to avoid being exposed by the light of the truth! REMEMBER THIS, they are able to control themselves in public, but they abuse behind closed doors when nobody but their target is present. That is a huge indicator that a Narcissist is VERY aware of their actions and keeps their abusive ‘self’ well-hidden and controlled. So the process is cognitive or the Narcissist is ‘thinking’ about what they are doing based on consequences, to protect themselves from exposure and that is why they lie to cover their tracks in every relationship that they leave. They know what they do is considered horrendous and dehumanizing to the people they harm, so they cleverly create a very positive and fake ‘Narcissistic mask’ in public that makes them out to be the next best thing to a saint, and they blame and shame the rest of the world for their sins so that they stand out as moral, honorable, good, and everything else to hide the real truth of just how disordered their world is. They are rationally thinking about their abusive actions and know if they are ever exposed they would be considered DANGEROUS or even criminals. Again all SMOKE and MIRRORS or a cognitive process (thinking) that is really cause and effect. The MASK that covers the truth! Don’t forget that they even create their own little army of minions that will sing the Narcissist’s praises and protect that façade – all part of what they do to again to avoid exposure!
A relationship with a Narcissist is more like imprisonment, slavery, and constant punishment! This abuse is denigrating and a hateful crime against any person and simply the Narcissist attacking people and using them. Nobody has a right to dehumanize and abuse people in a judicial and FREE WORLD but it seems like Narcissists do and they also seem to get away with it because they are smart enough to disguise the horrendous truth of what they are! Think about this, don’t you have the right to be the way you are and to function normally and to LOVE? Do you have to be some specific character in the Narcissist’s fictional life that has to conform to his/her specifications or else be abused? You know the answer to this and that is of course NO. So the message here is that you have to completely understand the truth of your situation and that is it is abusive, dehumanizing, and destroying you, your self-esteem, your self-worth, your integrity or basically your whole life!
Let’s call the situation and the perpetrator what they really are. The Narcissist attacks because he/she is a predator, period. Predators seek out and attack any prey that crosses their sights, period. Therefore, the prey is NEVER the reason of blame. It would make as much sense to blame a mouse for getting attacked by a cat. So what does the cat think or say, “I attacked that mouse because it deserved it or it is an obnoxious or a crazy mouse and deserves to be abused and destroyed because it is not as superior as me!” Who would fall for this crazy reasoning? The cat attacks the mouse simply because it is a predator by nature and the mouse is its prey.
Being “too this” or “too that” is no excuse for the Narcissist to dehumanize, debase, and disable you or MORE importantly attack your individuality or YOU just because YOU are being the real person you are. Demanding decent and respectful treatment and your individual and BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS that you deserve is no excuse for the Narcissist to abuse you and you must understand this to break their spell over you to get out of the fog. I don’t care how “threatened” any of this makes the poor, twisted Narcissist feel. Their perverted feelings are their problem, not yours. Like a terrorist the Narcissist will never run out of twisted excuses to rationalize their attacks on you. This is their abusive and perverse nature period and not something you did that caused them to abuse you as they did. They are abusers and will always be and that is reason enough to run from them and NEVER return.
The perceptions of the Narcissist are truly their reality. If you look back you have never been able to change or influence their perceptions because they got louder and completely ignored your every word to the contrary concerning any of their delusional actions, especially if it concerned their own accountability. The Narcissist has a one track mind that simply concentrates on their own needs period and anything else that gets in the way of them achieving what they want will be destroyed or obliterated in the process.
If you couldn’t effect change with them living in a close relationship, then don’t waste your time and effort ever trying AGAIN because they have one direction they follow and that is their own abusive agenda. They live in their own world and no matter how false or unreal it appears to you, for them it is reality because it has to be for them to survive among us. As soon as a Narcissist begins to perceive that you have a voice of your own and a right to existence, the trouble starts and then there is no return because there is no possibility of two way communication with them. The more you push your individualism forward the more resistance from the Narcissist. Their façade is impenetrable and has to be or they would self-destruct if people knew the truth.
It is extremely painful, to come to the conclusion that people who have meant a great deal in your personal (or professional) life can ACTUALLY destroy you and you have to disengage with them completely and literally to save your life. Sit back for a moment and really think about that and it is a hard pill to swallow. It is EXTREMELY painful, but the alternative is only to continue the descent along the dark path of self-destruction. Stop it all and finally break the chain that keeps you tied to an abuser. Everything you have built with this person was done in vain, and if you keep believing or buying into the games/lies with the hope to catch a glimpse of what things were like when you lived in the illusion they fabricated for you, you will only be drawn back into the abuse over and over again. The promises like a life journey together or sharing the joys of REAL love, a future, intellectual fulfillment, dreams, goals, etc., were all part of the abuse agenda to only control you and keep you chained to the abuse so the Narcissist could continue to get their needed fix of supply.
Unfortunately you have to learn and accept that the psychological and emotional investment you made in a Narcissist is/was valueless, and you have to write them off completely as dangerous. If you continue any type of association with them, you will only lose your soul and hand it over to a deceitful, perverted and loathsome character that will use and drain the rest of your life right out of it. It is just incomprehensible that they have the cognitive ability to plan and scheme as they do to trap us, debilitate their target, know it is wrong, lie about their actions to cover up their tracks, destroy our good name, extort everything they can, and run off as they do to another unsuspecting target. Sounds more like a well-planned out process to me. You must accept the truth about them so that any bond you feel you have with them is completely broken to move onto recovery. You cannot allow yourself to stay in this relationship, or in the shadow of their abuse because you will victimize yourself over and over again until you accept the truth and DISCARD the Narcissist forever. Get out of their head and trying to figure out what you could have or should have done to fix any of this – you cannot fix a Narcissist nor should you justify the fact that they abused you. You have to leave them completely behind after you have educated yourself enough to know the truth – after that there is nothing else left but moving forward and on your path to healing recovery.
One day you will see the complete picture and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are and attacking YOUR integrity as a preemptive attack to protect themselves. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies back at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always ‘move on’ as they call it and into someone else’s life to find shelter, create a new family or support network, and take what they can emotionally and physically.
Targets/victims of Narcissistic abuse must understand this. This is ABUSE first, and it is ALWAYS wrong, unacceptable, perverse, and an act against humanity. Survival for the target/victim should be considered as important as a 911 emergency where any target/victim is treated in a manner that saves their lives with whatever help is necessary to end the cycle of abuse and help the target/victim achieve recovery. Likewise the offender (Narcissist) should be treated in a manner that defines his/her actions that caused the damage to the target/victim and not protected by justifications that this abusive Narcissist couldn’t help themselves because they have a personality disorder. Let that Narcissist go and they will be abusing another person for supply within minutes – that describes what they are and what they do! THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR THIS ABUSE OR FOR THE ABUSER!! This particular abuse is NEVER singular because it affects entire families, even organizations. A little note here, I am not suggesting that a person actually call 911 unless it is a real emergency – I was only using that as an example to make a point. Begin your journey to healing and recovery with no/minimum contact. Once you are educated with the truth then you will start out on the journey that WILL take you to recovery. Greg