You can’t engage in reality with a Narcissist because they lack a conscience, morals, empathy, and emotions – so do not expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Don’t try to fight a war that you can’t win because a Narcissist lacks any and all morals. You can’t engage in reality with a person that lacks a conscience, morals, empathy, emotions and expect to be heard, yet alone find common ground or any sort of closure. Narcissists have no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions – THEY JUST DO NOT CARE! There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their mindless and thoughtless games or their manipulative approach to other people. They already have a mechanism in place that has been dumping that shame and turning it around into blame since they were very young. Don’t ever underestimate their depravity as it concerns their lack of respect for life and people because they will abuse anyone that stands in their way, even their own biological children, any family member, a friend, co-worker or ANYBODY!
So how could you have been such a fool and SO WRONG? There is a very painful realization that often comes with the disbelief of just how we could have not realized that he/she was like this? That’s another thing that educating yourself about this disorder will teach you very clearly. The Narcissistic personality is especially good at being pathologically deceptive and manipulative, at simulating that charm and genuine affection or caring to gain our trust so they can essentially abuse us – it is more aptly described as seduction. In reality, the Narcissist is only capable of caring about themselves. The Narcissist can BASICALLY imitate that they care about you or even love you as long as he/she continues to see you reflect that extreme adulation and admiration for them and even that is short-lived and usually in the beginning of your personal relationship with them or when they are still charming you into their agenda because they need many AND different variations of supply. Underneath all of that is a delusional and out-of-control amoral person that lacks respect for life and all people and has no conscience about how they debase and dehumanize people to GET WHAT THEY WANT which is that supply. That is what it all boils down to – we satisfy some sort of need, but they have many needs, and many people they use to satisfy their immense needy void hole. You thought this was a primary relationship with them and it never was and never would be.
The delusional perceptions of the Narcissist are truly their reality AND they just do NOT think like we do – but they can pretend to be like us when they need to. If you look back you have never been able to understand, change, or influence ANY of their perceptions because they got louder/meaner and completely ignored your every word to the contrary concerning any of their delusional outbursts, especially if it concerned their own accountability – be it a lie, betrayal or any number of words or actions from the Narcissist. If you couldn’t effect any change with them living in a close relationship with them, then don’t waste your time and effort ever trying AGAIN. They live in their own world and no matter how false or unreal it appears to you, for them it is reality and HAS TO BE REALITY for them to survive among us. As soon as a Narcissist begins to perceive that you have a voice of your own, individuality, and a right to existence, the trouble starts right then and there. This is the point of no return because there is no possibility of two way communication with them. The more you push your individualism forward the more resistance from the Narcissist to manage you down and control you. Their façade is impenetrable and has to be or they would self-destruct if people knew the truth that they are basically con artists, abusive, and dangerous if cornered.
Lies and deceit are as natural to the Narcissist’s world as is breathing. A Narcissist has the amazing ability with their ‘shrewd deception’ to make EVERYONE believe their lies EVEN when they fly right in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Heck they are so smooth at their LIES that the Narcissist also believes THEIR own lies. Mine could have been given an honorary PHD in lies, and lying! Take the position that everything they say to you is a lie and or based on a lie, or as my friend once told me “if they are breathing they are lying!”
It is extremely painful, to come to the conclusion that people who have meant a great deal in your personal (or professional) life can ACTUALLY destroy you and you have to completely disengage with them to literally save your life. Sit back for a moment and really think about that and it is a hard pill to swallow. It is EXTREMELY painful, but the alternative is to only continue the descent along the dark path of self-destruction by continuing a relationship with them. Stop it all and finally break the chain that keeps you tied to an abuser. There is no battle here for you to fight because you are not dealing with a real or normal person that would or could ever interact, care, love, bond or treat you with dignity or respect. Everything you have built with this person was done in vain, and if you keep believing or buying into the games/lies with the hope to catch a glimpse of what things were like when you lived in the illusion they fabricated for you, you will only be drawn back into the abuse over and over again and hurt more and more. The promises like a life journey together or sharing the joys of REAL love, a future, intellectual fulfillment, dreams, goals, etc., were part of the seduction and the abuse to only control you and keep you chained to them.
Unfortunately you have to learn and accept that the psychological and emotional investment you made in a Narcissist is/was valueless, and you have to write them off completely as a bad debt. If you continue any type of association with them, you will only lose your heart, mind, and soul and hand it over to a deceitful, perverted and loathsome character that will use and drain the life and happiness right out of you.
My personal journey to recovery had to first involve healing from everything that was unjust and so destructive to me because it was disabling my ability to move on and away from this person (believe me this Narcissist wanted it that way and tried to keep me in this cycle of abuse). This was a case of a person making me mentally unhealthy through a stealth and slow process of brain-washing and gas-lighting with all of those LIES. I was dealing with a highly disordered individual that had a pattern of this abuse in their past. I had to re-build my life and expel the poison from this Narcissist and get healthy first. I did not allow myself to get caught up in what my part was in any of this FIRST because I was too vulnerable and would have accepted MORE blame and shame – this is what their game is – debasing us slowly but surely to destroy our spirit so when we leave this relationship we are very vulnerable as well as physically, emotionally, and psychologically unhealthy. I looked at my personal weaknesses AFTER I FOUND OUT THE TRUTH that identified the abuse and how I was attacked by a predator – yes I was prey!
I needed to be healthy first and then I took a look at my part in this and set up healthy boundaries to avoid ever falling into this type of abuse again. Today I recognize that there are Narcissists out there EVERYWHERE and they are destructive and dangerous. I have even gone to the point of changing my phone numbers and put up barriers to stop this person from having ANY access into my life. I keep everything about my life guarded in a manner to avoid this Narcissist having ANY knowledge of anything. I had to learn all of this because I had NO PAST EXPERIENCE with this type of abuse to draw from. So I concentrated on ME first so I could think clearly again, learn from this experience, draw knowledge from other survivors, and then look deep down inside of myself to make sure that everything that may have allowed me to stay in this type of relationship was fixed.
Yes there are codependent people that fall into this abuse, but there are also healthy people, tall people, short people, ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE so do not put the total blame on yourself. Recovery is a process that WILL take us back to a healthy lifestyle BUT we have to be emotionally healthy first so we can accept new growth. Perhaps identifying your personality type first is viable for some people and I am by no means saying that it is the wrong approach – but I do believe that progression as far as recovery involves removing all of the confusion first, defining the abuse in a manner that we see it wasn’t us being this horrible person we were made to believe, but instead it was a Narcissist that is truly a destructive and manipulating creature that disabled us emotionally and psychologically. I became strong in my knowledge by confronting the truth and finding out the answers that I was denied access to. It painted a very colorful picture of this person and those red flags were replaced with truth and I was free to grow again as a human being. It was a personal journey that made me see that I looked evil squarely in the eyes and saw just how manipulative and destructive they are. When you see that green eyed monster you realize that they are different than us and they mean business once we have identified what they are. The Narcissist devours lives, thoughts and spirits. They are psychological terrorists and stealth predators and even the strongest can fall prey to their arsenal of abhorrent tools to dehumanize other human beings. THEY ARE ABUSERS pure and simple!
One day you will see the complete picture and it will never make what they did better, but you will understand because you have finally been educated into what they are and what YOU aren’t. A Narcissist is a dead giveaway in the way they create their delusional turmoil after each and every departure from one of their con jobs or relationships as the Narcissist prefers to call them. While they are running away like the thieves they really are with their tails between their legs, they are really running away from the truth of who and what they are. We are the truth they are running from as they are throwing lies back at us in an effort to smear our integrity and destroy us. They never can or will admit to what they have done, instead they will always slither into someone else’s life to find shelter, create a new family, and take what they can emotionally and physically. No/minimal contact always! Greg