The prison the Narcissist used to hold you captive was built from all of their lies – the POSITIVE endearing I love you lies and the disabling ones that managed you down every day to control you and eventually disable and destroy you. Narcissists are VERY convincing and polished liars and EVERYTHING they told you was a LIE!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
As convincing as the Narcissist in your life was about their love for you it had absolutely NOTHING to do with love. Every single action employed by the Narcissist stems from a pathological need to control others AND all lies. In order to prove your love to a Narcissist, you had to surrender your identity and all of your power and control over to them. You handed over your life when you handed them your heart. That predator knew that if they conquered your heart then they had you where they wanted you. You became a slave to them and your only purpose was to enhance and embellish the Narcissist’s false image, take care of their every need, and accept their self-serving abuse. That prison they used to keep you captive was built from all of those lies – the POSITIVE endearing I love you lies and the disabling ones that managed you down every day to control you and eventually destroy you. Of course the package is never presented to us in this manner because the Narcissist employs extreme manipulation AND THOSE LIES to con you into trusting them implicitly with THREE very thoughtful and well placed and deceptive words – ‘I Love You!’
BUT you still ask yourself HOW can someone you showed so much love turn around and abuse that love. You also ask yourself WHY would a person con you into believing they loved you do such a horrendous thing so they could extort your life through this fictitious love. You ask yourself how you didn’t see all of this and you question your sanity because you feel that you ALLOWED this to happen. You then start questioning the very things that this Narcissist accused you of and perhaps believing that you do have issues! You question this, that and everything! You question yourself for no viable reason other than trying to reach some sort of understanding EVEN though you now know the truth. But there is no other answer than the truth that this was abuse and this relationship wasn’t real at all and that my friend is just way too difficult to accept.
You can’t get over this relationship and move yourself away from the hold this ‘Narcissist Monster’ that is, OR was in your life has on your mind! So in turn YOU try to work it out in your head and heart. You keep reaching back into the past searching for something. Are you STILL searching for the answers to those many confusing questions? Probably a resounding YES, but there really is NOBODY there to answer those questions – BUT there are many messages in your head, so you turn to justifying most everything to resolve what only amounts to abuse. But the reality of the situation that this IS abuse never seems to agree with your heart, emotions, and empathy to form some sort of cohesive agreement or middle ground so you are left with a horrendous burden to shake this off! But again all of this was based on lies!
You have to think back and recall just how uneasy you felt in this relationship, how YOU were continually accepting the negativity that always seemed to be present when you were together. Think about the lies, betrayal, put downs and so many other things that just weren’t normal to a loving relationship. You worked your hardest at rationalizing and justifying this LOVE and continually tried to fix this distorted relationship (love) rather than accepting the truth from your intuition shouting out at you. You STILL keep justifying that it was love and you must have overlooked something or other that could have fixed everything! WHO was making you try so hard to fix this? Who was telling you everything was wrong and it was YOUR fault? Who never put an effort into allowing you to voice normal concerns? Who silenced you over and over again and why? The truth is that this could never have turned out any different than what it did because it was meant to be temporary! What about the new supply and how quickly this Narcissist JUMPED right into that relationship! Where is/was the love that you kept fighting for? It was NEVER there in the first place!
Then ask yourself how many times you had to reassure yourself that everything WOULD be OK if you did this, that or any number of different things! Also the many important ‘personal’ things concerning your needs that were always dismissed to make and keep this Narcissist happy and it was NEVER enough. How many times were you so confused about crazy statements, arguments, accountability, or the many lies that you probably justified or ignored? What about affairs? Were there any or many? Did you always feel as if you had to explain yourself for most everything you did or said no matter what? Did you feel any sense of normalcy with this person after the ‘amazing love’ in the beginning? Did you feel like parts of your life had mysteriously disappeared and it isn’t the same as it used to be. You always felt so frustrated in general, confused, anxious, you felt tired or exhausted from day after day of arguments that had no basis, and just the general feeling of unhappiness. Or maybe you feel horrible about yourself or worthless. Is it a feeling like things have spun out of control in your life and you are WONDERING WHY this has happened! You haven’t done anything different than you have in the past (as it concerned your previous ‘normal’ relationships,) but YOU are always working on something or other to get this relationship right! What is the coefficient here? Where is the distress AND stress coming from? Why do you always feel so ANXIOUS and CONFUSED? If you think about this and compile a ‘distress list’ of all of the crazy making and chaos from this relationship it will be hundreds of times longer than a list that would outline the good things that showed this person (the Narcissist) was actually reciprocating with love.
I think most of us know the root of the problem, but trying to get past the emotional stronghold has been the problem and what kept us believing in the huge lie we were living. Through all of this we twisted and tweaked our thoughts so much so that we were able to justify most everything in a manner that made us change our behaviors and basic beliefs to meet the needs of this Narcissist so we could keep believing in what we were conned into believing – this love. We believed that WE could change things to make this relationship right again – but who was telling us to change and WHY? We took charge of trying to make things right and make changes! We ACCEPTED the blame that was handed to us. We accepted silence to avoid arguments. We accepted lies to avoid hearing the truth. We possibly believed that more LOVE would heal! Was it love that would heal this? Just exactly what WAS this love? Was it totally one sided? Could you even ascertain what this relationship was OR were you always wondering? Did anything change like you wanted it to? YES what changed was you, your self-worth, your dignity, your good life that you once knew, and your whole world changed for the worse!
So to start, you have to conceptualize that EVERYTHING WAS A LIE. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends, hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, etc.!’ Don’t forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc. All of these messages that the Narcissist was basically downloading into your head is all part of their delusional disorder based on LIES that they used to manage you down, gain power over you, and to control you. So when you refer back to these messages they put in your head and RELATE to them to try to resolve ANY of this, you are only listening to the same delusional lies that got you into this abusive relationship that is now still convincing you that you are to blame, everything bad, and YOU have to accept responsibility here for the demise of this relationship. Those messages were designed to debilitate you and they have – so replaying any of them will still keep you in right in the abuse.
OK – now for the jibber jabber! We are social creatures that bond, live together, seek each other out AND we also follow and create a moral order of what we must do, can do and cannot do. This social order is what defines and regulates how we will interact, defining and protecting individual rights and the ‘normal’ social/moral order. Narcissists know that there is a social/moral order but they don’t abide by any of it and instead they constantly violate it. There is no connection to it whatsoever. But to function in our world they will PRETEND to fit into it and be one of the most respected individuals out there because otherwise they would be deplored by society and nobody would play with them. So like everybody else we bought into their big lie and con job – but unfortunately we did it on a much more personal level that involved MANY distorted messages as well as the disabling lies. Narcissist do this so they can fit in otherwise they wouldn’t be able to extort life as they do. Simply put they are a big lie that enables them to process and harvest people to get what they need. Basically the ‘façade’ or ‘mask’ theory that we always read about. THEY ARE A BIG LIE – but very believable because they sugar coat the lie with amazing charm to attract us into their world!
YOU are a good and AMAZING person and this Narcissist has tricked you in such a heinous and perverted way and it just doesn’t make sense to a person of empathy that can LOVE. You were raised with morality and standards. You KNOW how to love and trust. You DIDN’T grow up learning that these monsters are out there that are the total opposite of what love is! You will NEVER feel good about this or reach some sort of realistic closure based on the belief system YOU GREW UP WITH, and as well you shouldn’t have too! BUT unfortunately there are a few new words in your vocabulary that you have to now educate yourself about and process them into your scope of the world. Those words are Narcissist and ABUSE. You have to completely dump the messages and ALL OF THOSE LIES that this Narcissist has used to gain power over you, control you and abuse you. You have to STOP listening to those messages because they were just lies. It takes time to do this because you have spent so much time believing these lies, now you must spend some time disbelieving these lies. There is no guru out there that can offer you anything that will make this magically disappear until you completely get this, so stop looking for a quick fix. Educate yourself with good information. Understand your enemy and what they did to you. Get healthy and then take a look inward and see what if anything made you available to a Narcissist, THEN set strong and new boundaries. Just DON’T blame yourself as if you deserved this and don’t let others blame you either! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg