The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth! Unfortunately many people just do not believe the incredulous stories and truth from victims that were abused by a Narcissist – sometimes we have trouble believing all of this ourselves!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Who could EVER believe the truth that presented itself to us and lives in our heart and mind about this abuse and how someone just used us for the time they did and how they were inclined to destroy us as well. It is still hard for me to accept, but I know better because I lived through it and the truth is right there to back it up. What I can’t believe is that there are human beings capable of this and as a normal person with empathy it is not within my realm to understand them! That says a great deal and an important point just within those words that after experiencing and recovering from this abuse it is still hard for a person of empathy to get it completely. But what I learned is that I don’t have to ‘get it’ so completely, I just have to understand it and accept the truth to forget about that Narcissist because they are what they are and that HAS to be enough because I cannot change the past OR the Narcissist that was so abusive. Knowing and believing this enables you to move forward and work on everything else that involves getting healthy. Don’t waste your time on getting into their heads, or trying to understand them, or trying to fix THEM because you are only denying the very truth YOU ALREADY KNOW! It is now time for you to get past this psychological and emotional abuse so you can enter back into a great world feeling healthy! It is a necessity to focus on yourself!
A little justification to drive this point home. What about all of those amazing memories and the time you spent together, the plans, goals, dreams, holidays and fun. Well let’s put a little spin on that. How much fun comprised the relationship from day one to the final discard. Perhaps 1/100th of it or even much less. I didn’t have fun past the first year. Seriously I was a full time baby sitter and servant to a mentally disturbed and spoiled child. I spent most of my time dealing with justifications and bending over backwards to try to fix what was unfixable until I became emotionally unhealthy. I felt like I was always in the corner sitting on a stool getting my verbal beatings and told how awful I was. I wasn’t awful or anything near it – but I was intentionally made to feel that way and this Narcissists tried to convince the people nearest and dearest to me of the same.
Was I crazy, insane, off my rocker? Probably so but not by choice. The effects of the slow and subtle abuse took me there day by day. I became disabled because I was meant to be taken there by this destructive person. That is victimization and even as much as I hate that word it is the REAL definition and I had to understand it or stay frozen in denial. It helped me understand the process and the rest of it was up to me as far as my personal responsibility, new boundaries and moving forward. I have found those wounded parts of me that helped me understand my part and I worked through them. I understand the process and I separated the facts with the truth. I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS ABUSE, and I am not crazy, or deserved any of this, or anything like that! You didn’t either! I offered real and unconditional love and I was abused for doing so and had so much of my life extorted away from me slowly but surely.
There are drugs that paralyze the mind that predators use on their victims, and then there is manipulation that brainwashes a person’s mind. One is quick (the drug) and the other (manipulation) is a slow and insidious process administered over time, but both methods essentially do the same thing to the target/victim and that is altering their state of consciousness with a destructive agenda that is meant to dehumanize the target/victim by debilitating their normal thought processes as well as TAKE something from their lives. So we don’t (and didn’t) react as a healthy person would. Yes this betrayal and huge con job was psychological terrorism or psychological rape. Both designate the same meaning that this was mediated by a highly dysfunctional person with an agenda to extort through disabling a person’s mind. Yes I defined this using a different angle, but it does put the definition of this abuse in a shocking but realistic portrayal. I guess I am saying this to help targets/victims get a stronger sense of the manipulation to help bring them to their ‘ah ha’ moment. Yes you felt love but it was a desperate and debilitating love!
When you came out of this you felt like you were in a fog, or better yet that your reality was altered and basically it was through the slow process of brainwashing and the manipulation from your perpetrator. You are traumatized, confounded and confused and wondering what hit you squarely in the brain AND in your heart and soul. We are functioning, but not as we once did. If we were the person we were before this abuse we would have had a much more clear perspective AFTER the discard, but unfortunately we are not that person anymore because the years of this abuse have rendered us very vulnerable, traumatized, disabled and basically frozen in time so we struggle. You have to regenerate or allow yourself time to get emotionally healthy first so that you can move forward to take the steps to move forward to a healthy recovery.
We weren’t in TOTAL denial in the beginning because we were tricked, conned, manipulated, etc., but the point here is that we also never realized this in its entirety while we were with them and WHY? Well because the agenda of the Narcissist was not apparent, and the manipulation was subtle and consistent. We were always drawn back into the abuse through Narcissistic magic or trickery. Day by day we were managed down more and more through the Narcissist’s vast arsenal of tools to the point that we were not in our original state of conscious thinking and our reality was altered by our perpetrator so they could harvest us as supply or objectify us!
Just as I was writing, I heard the words of an actor on a crime show say “was this a Narcissist?” Wow what a better way to drive a point home than hearing that word used in a phrase and on TV. Most people watching this TV show will let that word go right through them as if they were transparent because it is so widely used anymore that NOBODY understands it in its truest reality. Narcissists are mostly depicted as murders on TV, or egotists that thrive on their physical appearance – but they are not the TV show variety that does a hit and run murder or glances in the mirror with such adoration. The Narcissists that we experienced were mind murderers and they don’t leave fingerprints, or bodies – just damage and destruction to all of their targets/victims. They murder minds and souls!
One last point that I want to go over again because it is important! So many times our family, friends, and loved ones seem like they don’t care. This may be true for some, but for the most part remember that our stories are incredulous and personal to us. They don’t know how deep this abuse is and deeply rooted in our subconscious. It is not as personal to them as it is to us. We would have to drag them through every day of the abuse while we were living it for them to actually get it, and to explain it would take just as long. They would also have to experience what we grieve (after the discard) to see how isolated and disconnected we have become because of the abuse and it is not just falling out of love it is dehumanization and a betrayal of our love and entire life. It doesn’t mean that it is OK for people to shun us because it all sounds so unreal, BUT if they did know the WHOLE truth and reality of this abuse they would be there for you when you really needed them.
Nobody can understand how the target/victim needs to keep repeating things over and over again because it is within this process that targets/victims purge the abuse outward. Our voice is the tool for others to hear our reality and to gain support as well as to vocalize and self-actualize the truth. There is no closure with these creatures, so how do we become validated? We search for that validation through our voices until we find something viable that we can turn to that helps. This is the process to recovery! Without validation we will just run in a circle chasing our tails so do not diminish your thoughts and actions as being ridiculous or overkill but also do not let them rule YOU and YOUR life forever. We do eventually find validation within our words and questions by conveying the truth of our experience.
We are very inquisitive creatures and we know none of what happened to us can be ALL of our fault! We weren’t this problematic in our previous relationships, or mentally ill, insane AND everything else we were led to believe – SO WHAT IS UP? The confusion we fell is what gets us out there searching on the internet, or seeking support through the behavioral sciences, etc. But once we start traveling through all of the questions and confusion we find some answers and usually they will come from hearing the real stories of other survivors or other victims – THEN we start to see the similarities and find the validation we seek to move forward to our healing and recovery. Knowledge is power in getting through this – that and the most important thing – no/minimal contact! Greg