The Narcissist’s world is all ‘make believe’ or a ‘pretend’ world to meet all of their needs – even their love is ‘make believe!’ Yes – they make us believe everything BUT none of it is real!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Narcissists are very accomplished players at the game of deceiving and lying and they are good at it. Their complete persona and their entire world is totally based on lies. Their positive attributes and alleged actions are all made up in order to get other people to give them their fix of Narcissistic supply, or that praise, adulation, and accolades they crave. Their magnanimous but fake personality gives them an acceptable façade and place among good and normal people in life. They need that place to survive among us – but that dysfunctional creature still lives inside of them and so near to the surface of their façade and not only is it poisonous and toxic but destructive and disabling to people. In the end they will try to take you out once you catch on and try to make them accountable so they don’t lose their acceptable but FAKE place (façade) they created in life. They will just move on to the next situation, person, family, career, etc., and exhaust another person’s worth – this is what these critters do.
The point here is that they are not fully functioning human beings. They do not connect on ANY level with human beings except to use them as supply or objectify them to fulfill a certain need. We could describe this as a superficial relationship, but it goes far beyond superficial because it is a toxic and destructive relationship that will completely drain you, disable you and your belief system AND destroy your self-worth. Your responsibility is to get your ‘ah ha’ moment and understand that they are the defective ones that emotionally and psychologically inflicted some deep wounds that have severely affected your psyche. BUT that is where you start on your road to recovery. There is another type of healing that involves your personal wounds that the Narcissist sourced out and used against you. Healing involves you and only you closing all of those wounds permanently through healing!
It is important to recognize that the Narcissist will never acknowledge that any games are being played AND the important point here is that it is up to YOU to stop playing once you realize the truth. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to fix them, the situation, and help or heal them! You will always be told you are wrong, they are right, and that you are in need of some serious help. You can’t get them to acknowledge or take responsibility for their words or actions because they will always deny that they did or said anything or you overreacted OR whatever the situation was – it never happened. They have to respond in this manner or they would have to face real accountability and retribution for their actions!
Whatever that Narcissist has said to you or about you that has deeply hurt or wounded you is not a real observation either, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them and they took advantage of them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you and define you. They were so supportive in the beginning, but that was just to gain your trust and the knowledge of your weaknesses to use against you. Because you trusted them, you opened up your heart along with all of your wounds and gave them the opportunity to find any and all of those weaknesses AND they were looking for them. They DO NOT have the ability to understand pain, sorrow, being vulnerable or apply empathy – they only want access to your weaknesses to use them against you and to CONTROL you.
It seems so odd that you have to read these words and apply them to your situation but you have known this or had intuition that something was very wrong – but now the truth is right there in front of you. This is what we have to heal within us the betrayal of those weaknesses that they exploited by constantly pointing them out to us as well as the rest of the negative messages they forced into our heart and mind. Because our personal weaknesses were real and within us the Narcissist made them come to the surface so much so that we now believe that we are worthless and defined by those very weaknesses – we even lost trust in our own reality. They are master game players and used their keen perception to always be on top of their game. They took these weaknesses and embellished them to even make you think you were mentally ill and you even fear yourself and your way of thinking. It is a very sick game that these Narcissists play, BUT it is a game that requires other players and you have to totally opt out of participating! They will attack you at any and every level they can, even making fun of you physically and they can be VERY cruel! Unfortunately you question WHY they would do this when you only offered them unconditional love.
This is what I took away from this. The abuse and the Narcissist were there in reality but the Narcissist is completely one of the walking dead that needed to feed off of the living. The abuse made me realize that I had inner wounds that could disable me especially if a monster like this was allowed access to them. When that monster got in there my wounds became the very ammunition this Narcissist magnified and used against me. If we do not desensitize this damage that connected us to our own weaknesses we will forever feel weak, worthless and traumatized. Recovery requires that introspection to find these wounds and weaknesses that we have been carrying around with us and to deal with them in a manner to diminish them completely. But by this monster accessing my weaknesses I also was able to access them too and see how they could work against me and work on them and heal my personal wounds. Those wounds were MINE, the Narcissist sought them out used them against me by embellishing them to make me believe that I was completely damaged.
Next we have to get past why another human being would intentionally hurt and destroy us like this. A Narcissist has neither love nor compassion – they have an agenda and a plan to use and extort people through their weaknesses. The Narcissist is so completely damaged that they are far more fragile than we realize, but they beat us to the game or the truth by attacking our vulnerabilities and diverting us away from the truth of who and what they are. They need our energy and everything else they can take away from us and THAT is why they are with us. There is no empathy or compassion within them – just their needs, their agenda to get what they need, and controlling us until they have gotten what they came for. The rest is just their real nature and how they envy, loathe, and harm people’s lives because they can’t keep that creature inside of them contained. All of that is very hard for us to wrap our head around because it seemed so real to us – but that is where the word abuse and Narcissist come into play and define the reality of this person we cared, liked or evn loved.
We have to accomplish some basic steps in a specific order to get to a complete recovery that starts with healing from the effects of the abuse and purging all the negative messages from the Narcissist out of our mind. That is getting your ‘ah ha’ moment that this was abuse. That can be a very tangled mess to deal with because the reality that you loved your abuser also means that you have to deal with those emotions as well and falling out of love. Clarity is gained through knowledge and education about this abuse and that is what will empower you and wake you up from this nightmare.
The abuse is NOT your fault nor are you weak because no matter what you are here today because you were strong enough to defeat the source of the abuse by allowing yourself to move forward and that is a strong message that you ARE a survivor. Even if you were discarded that is because you were too strong for this Narcissist and they could no longer control you. You have the wounds from the battle but those will mend as long as your realize that this Narcissist is an enemy and not a lover.
You will be ANGRY but that is just normal/healthy because your life and love were completely extorted by this Narcissist. LET THAT ANGER COME OUT and acknowledge the truth that you WERE ABUSED. Next after you have healed the wounds from the abuse it is time to concentrate on what may need healing at a deeper level. The extreme betrayal from this Narcissist has destroyed your belief system and that is traumatizing so we are fearful of life in general and reliving this trauma. The trauma can manifest itself as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and recovering may require specialized help from a therapist. BUT get all the help that is available to you.
Lastly you must look inward at those personal insecurities and wounds and shore them up. Normally everyone has personal wounds from life and they even comprise what makes us who we are, but some of them need to be tweaked so that we have healthy boundaries that do not allow us to react in a manner that we self-destruct when a toxic person crosses our path. This does not happen overnight, but it is so necessary to heal ourselves completely. Lastly reach out again to the world with a healthy perspective that there is goodness out there. Isolating yourself from the world tells you that there is more healing that needs done because the world didn’t do this, a Narcissist did. Get that Narcissist out of your life and mind COMPLETELY. Never look back because nothing changes with them except for new lies and a new person to abuse. No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg