The Con Bond!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Normal human beings naturally bond with other human beings with the hopes of creating a good connection that may grow from there. A Narcissist is creating a bond that has an abusive agenda attached to it and they are using their manipulative words to engage you in a manner to trap you into their scheme or agenda. The Narcissist WANTS you to believe in them, bond with them, trust them, like them, love them and ADORE them. We all sort of want this to happen when people meet us except we are not looking for the extreme adoration that a Narcissist seeks nor do we have an abusive agenda attached to extort people. We put our best foot forward but we don’t create a false façade that is hiding what is basically a predator after prey. So our initial ‘meeting’ with a Narcissist seems like a normal exchange when it is anything but that! It is a TRAP that they seduce us into! It is very hard to sum this all up after the love, time and energy you have put into them, but it is the reality of the situation!
Once they win us over with their charm and HAVING so much in common with us THEN we will start to see the many roads they take to manipulate us, extort us, lie, dehumanize us, deflect to avoid accountability, and everything else to support their big lie. That is the natural course with a Narcissist or what we call the devaluation stage. EVERYONE will be devalued by the Narcissist and discarded. So I am going to jump to some of the ways that they do this when the honeymoon phase is over.
Most every conversation you have with them seems to leave you confused and drained. You will be left with the burden of trying to figure out what they have said or basically what the heck just happened. It is like a hit and run accident and you are just left in shock trying to gain a foothold of the incident. A basic conversation can go from zero to a hundred miles per hour and in a direction that puts you in the path of an unavoidable crash, AND you weren’t able to control the direction you were headed in. You ask yourself how did this all start and what led up to it? You will end up spending hours, or perhaps even days, obsessing over the intent of the message or argument. You exhaust all of your emotional energy to accomplish absolutely nothing – it was pre-planned to be this way by the Narcissist. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, but there is as far as it concerns the Narcissist that is controlling you.
Everything they have absorbed or learned about you is now being utilized in a manner to push certain buttons to keep you controlled and under their thumb. They know how to charm you because they know your likes and they also know how to HARM you because they also know your weaknesses and insecurities! The connection with them is built around your very persona and how they can and will manipulate it to control you. There is no you in any of this and there is never a real person behind the Narcissist. Narcissists like psychopaths are always going to pull you in a direction that makes you feel very small AND defective. This is the rhyme to their reason and again that is control!
So what about these ridiculous and crazy arguments, etc. You could have NEVER kept up with the original conversation (or argument) in a realistic manner because it was basically nonsensical in your mind and had no real basis of reality. But it served a purpose as far as the Narcissist is concerned to deflect from something or the other, or there was an agenda to it, or to demean and dehumanize you – control, control, CONTROL. BUT it served its purpose because it confounded or confused you and forced you to process the CRAZY information with no real success. You will have many rebuttals going on in your head AFTER THE FACT because you feel a need to defend yourself or rationalize what happened. Basically you are trying to fix the situation, but was it an argument because you really didn’t do anything but yet you feel like you did something, BUT WHAT IS IT YOU DID??
BAM, this is exactly the place a narcissist wants you to go to – total confusion and insanity. They have drawn from the vast wealth of knowledge they have gained from observing you and use it consistently to maneuver you into a place of confusion and isolation. There are many reasons behind each of these scenarios, but they are basically to manage you down and to control you. However you will try to resolve this because you feel you need to address what happened and more than likely to defend yourself hoping for resolution but in the end you’ll find that you are the person apologizing. After a while these crazy arguments will have you stuck in the confusion so much so that you have lost all perspective of your relationship, as well as your value in the relationship. You are always responding to the Narcissist’s crazy making and never participating in a reciprocal or real relationship. You are being emotionally and psychologically abused!
What gets you there? The false connection or ‘con bond’ that this Narcissist created in the beginning. The one where you bonded with them and trusted them. More than likely you believe it is a real relationship and you LOVE them – but in any case your emotions and heart are basically ruling and clouding your mind. The TRUTH – slowly but surely the Narcissist was tempering your emotions and love to disable you completely. This is a person that you explicitly trust AND they care about or love you too (or so you believe,) so you put yourself into a place to always resolve these issues so that you can continue with this amazing relationship. You believe that they will reciprocate in a healthy manner because they do care/love you, but unfortunately you are blind to the truth so you fall into the trap and it becomes a dysfunctional habit.
This confusion will blind you to many other aspects of their abuse and the Narcissist walks all over your heart and imprisons your mind in the process. This is CONTROL and it will get worse over time and be more of a daily emotional beating meant to harm you AND disable you completely. The WHY to all of this is because a Narcissist is severely defective and basically loathes people and life so they have to destroy the goodness that exists in us to justify their miserable existence? What kind of human could take another human to this place and WHY?
You ARE the normal person here but you find yourself explaining things like the reality of your feelings, or your need for cohesiveness but you are talking to a stone as far as getting through to a Narcissist. You are basically telling the Narcissist that they are winning at their extreme manipulation by participating. There is no such thing as empathy, feelings, or being nice with a Narcissist and NEVER a conventional relationship with them. Big red flag here because adults do not need to be taught how to play nice! Usually it is a five year old that needs a playground monitor and that is what you are dealing with – a five year old liar as well as a delusional bully in an adult body that will NEVER change these sadistic behaviors.
People that are normal and have empathy and integrity in their world always attempt to find or see the good in another person. Seriously you are not the first person that has probably dealt with this creature or has attempted to see the good in them. There is a trail of their destruction that goes way back, but unfortunately you are NOT privy to any of that information. You always find yourself thinking that if you could reach them, make them understand your confusion and hurt that maybe they will stop doing what they are doing! BUT they never will. A persons actions definitely define them. Physical abusers use physical actions to physically hurt/abuse people. Emotional and psychological abusers (like Narcissists) use their words to hurt/abuse you. With a Narcissist they conned you by pretending to be this decent and caring person when they FIRST meet you, luring you into the abuse with their magnanimous charm, love, and strong integrity but in time their words are like a punch to your brain and a knife to your heart that takes away your self-worth. No/minimal contact to end this madness! Greg