Chaos, crazy making, and drama – the basic ingredients a Narcissist uses in every situation and relationship!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Narcissists love to create, seed and cultivate their toxic drama for the basic reason of CONTROL! Yes they are into drama and very dramatic because they live in and with so much chaos – even as controlled as they may seem to be. BUT they also create drama as another distorted tool to get supply or draw all of the attention onto THEM. It is what they do with this drama because it never achieves anything good and it is used to basically divide and conquer people and keep them confused or to control AND to isolate. You can bet the Narcissist is always the go to person or at the center of it all but comes out smelling like a rose. The Narcissist I knew was very adept at this and cunning in the manner that they did it (triangulation), but be assured someone or something was being completely destroyed in the process! My Narcissist would always say that they were like a cat that would land on its feet and also come up smelling like that rose. I always thought that this was very odd to hear because it described a person that knew they did some awful things to people and got away with it and felt proud of the fact that they came out of it unscathed. Well hindsight is always 20/20 and to sum it up in one word NARCISSIST and water under the bridge!
With a Narcissist life is a perpetual crisis because they are wounded so easily since everything is a perceived threat – real or not – BUT they expect you to fix it NOW and on their delusional terms only. We all experience rough times but a Narcissist has a natural inclination to make the good and bad into an ugly and chaotic situation or everything is a crisis situation where they go above and beyond what would be deemed a normal reaction. Remember this too, when they want to play their games they will accuse you of things that have no basis of reality to create an argument and a crisis that YOU have to deal with. Their energy will expand in YOUR mind because you basically respond to whatever the crisis situation is and they will pull you into it to deplete your energy by making you respond to the situation or get you involved over your head.
This is how they condition you into becoming dependent on them and usually it is through their threats and negative response from the crisis they create that and they JUST MIGHT LEAVE YOU (or whatever) if you don’t change so you basically walk on those perpetual eggs shells and accept their behavior. They cannot really empathize nor do they need to because empathy is not at the basis of their agenda. Lies, deceit, manipulation, triangulation and conquering and dividing are. None of these actions are connected to or require empathy because they are the ‘crazy making’ tactic as well as a dehumanizing ploy the Narcissist uses to manage people down. It is part of their agenda to bring you down and keep you down or again CONTROL. They are too wrapped up in their own chaotic lifestyle and perpetual needs BUT they will also project their chaos and downfalls onto you to free themselves of the shame that lives in them. They really know how to work a situation to get attention, create chaos, blame, and dump some personal shame onto their target!
Here is a big eye opener that you must truly internalize – they need you and your energy to be successful at maintaining their façade and achieving supply. They don’t want you to leave them until they want to go, so they go to great lengths to get and keep your attention until they have used you up as well as found another source of supply to replace you. Remember supply to them can be anything that gives them attention – negative or positive so long as it supports that façade! I use to ask my Narcissist if I was so horrid WHY NOT LEAVE – but my Narcissist kept coming back with that little bit of love bombing, more lies and fake promises because they hadn’t found a replacement yet (well many side ones but none that stuck).
Like a toddler that hasn’t reached a level of emotional maturity, they consistently go from loving and supporting you to getting angry and detesting or hating you to get their needs fulfilled through their debilitating up and down chaos and tantrums. They have their many toys and the shiniest one is the one that they love for the time being until a newer toy catches their attention. Their moods and responses are inconsistent and dealing with them feels like you are walking through a field of landmines where at any moment you may step on one and it will detonate, but those emotions that bond and our empathy keep us hanging on. Well add to this the psychological abuse that blinds our way and distorts our reality.
A Narcissist WILL try to please you, but the nice things they do always have a huge cost and a motive. They play the martyr that keeps score, and just when you think everything is okay, BAM they get you one more time, and then one more and more and more, etc. Their modus operandi is to sabotage you while they look innocent. For instance, they will commit to doing something when they really don’t want to do it and then consistently bail out at the last minute. Or they’ll conveniently forget. Perhaps they’ll run late and miss an event or a timeline. Everyone has these experiences now and again, but Narcissists do this all the time and they want to turn it around and get you to feel guilty about WHAT THEY ARE DOING PURPOSELY to you. They will make up excuses with the most ambiguous details or justifications, then sulk and act like a victim if you get upset meanwhile they have betrayed you in some form or fashion that you aren’t aware of. They will conveniently lose items, forget dates, miss deadlines, ruin plans, and then become sad and withdrawn because they have tried so very hard when they have done nothing but be irresponsible, tricked you and then they blame you as not understanding, etc. This is just more of their crazy making and chaos!
It is important or better yet imperative to know what you are dealing with as far as this chaotic crazy maker is concerned because they are destructive psycho bullies! However with this type of abuse AND because of the charm factor, and/or love that is also introduced into the factoring there is always the tendency to be a little blind to the possibility of the truth especially if the person is a loved one or someone very close to you. We actually end up taking that person’s behavior personally and applying credence to what they are saying, or possibly even believing that the crazy maker (abuser) in our life could change if they wanted to. We also expect the crazy maker to play by the same rules with communication or apply normal etiquette as everyone else, but they don’t. Our world is a normal one, their world lacks the normality and integrity that we know and understand and is purely driven by their pathology. Crazy making Narcissists don’t play by the same rules as you and I. You’ll save yourself a lot of headaches and energy if you realize this now and stop trying to make the crazy maker in your life respond to your concerns because you are talking to a brick wall that you cannot penetrate!
The Narcissist delivers messages that are disguised as carefully and as proportionate as that disordered mask they wear that conceals their false and negative self and their destructive agenda. They are negative messages disguised in a positive message or even a gesture. This inevitably sets you up to lose! In time all of this adds up to feeling a sense of worthlessness and everything you do seems to be inappropriate or wrong! Start paying attention and you’ll be amazed AND appalled by the frequency. There is only ONE way to end the madness and chaos – no/minimal contact! Greg