A Narcissist is like a cantankerous, irrational three-year-old child (brat) throwing many tantrums to always get their way OR ELSE!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
In all honesty a Narcissist has the mentality and the stance of a playground bully and reacts like a three year old child when they don’t get there way, BUT living in an adult’s body. They incorporate or con other kids to join in with them with fake promises OR threats to play their imaginary games or else. There will always be someone that asserts their individuality in their playground and that Narcissist will gang up on them and harm whomever with the help of their little gang of minions. Be assured you will be run off of that playground just for being you and not buying into the Narcissistic bullying, dysfunction, games, and control because they MUST be in charge at all times. You may even get the Narcissist’s Mommy knocking at your door and really get in trouble because the Narcissist has made up hideous lies about YOU maybe even saying that YOU pushed them over, kicked them, or stole their candy or money.
Now you are standing in front of them and they look like big boys and girls (adults) but they are dragging you back to your days at the playground and if you don’t play exactly the way they want you to play or their version of “make believe” they will throw you off of the merry-go-round. YES they are the bad playground bullies but multiply that times infinity. I learned early on to disengage with my Narcissist or an argument could go on for days AND this Narcissist would easily resort to making fun of me or whatever to take me down to the lowest level – even threatening to have an affair or leave me if I DIDN’T CHANGE. There was nothing that needed changing in me except to wake up from this horrific nightmare and walk away – it is sadistic manipulation and control pure and simple.
Being amoral or just numb to the existence of morality as far as their integrity goes is based solely on what the Narcissist wants. It really is like a cantankerous, irrational three-year-old child (brat) throwing a tantrum. The Narcissist never gives up the argument. That Narcissist is standing there in front of you to win. If you engage the Narcissist, he/she will pull you down to their level. Keep engaging in an argument with a Narcissist and he/she brings it down to another level, and another level AND to a level lower than you care to stoop so you just stop then and there because it is just too futile to go on anymore. The Narcissist has no self-respect, integrity, compassion, or any tools that restricts their actions so behaving this way is not beneath them.
But, no matter how big a lie or how big a fit the Narcissist throws if you allow it you are enabling the Narcissist and that is a huge mistake no matter what the cost is to you otherwise. It facilitates the Narcissist’s delusions, and it gives them a power rush and CONTROL. Thus the Narcissists is cramming his/her delusion through insults to your intelligence, dignity and self-respect. You are spoiling and enabling that Narcissistic brat/bully and allowing the monster to grow and take over completely. Unfortunately people make this mistake because of the Narcissist’s GOOD qualities that preempted the appearance of this raging bully. We believe we can change them or fix the problems because we saw goodness in them and still believe in them. This is what the Narcissist wants us to believe and that is all part of their façade.
The processes the Narcissist utilizes to obtain, preserve, and accumulate supply is just an imaginary environment, and a comfort zone, invented by the Narcissist or that facade. It has clear geographical and physical boundaries and the Narcissist keeps complete inventory of people, places and events. The Narcissist assigns what each and every person’s role is and he/she keeps everyone isolated from each other so nobody becomes all the wiser to his/her lies and make believe world. The Narcissist compartmentalizes everybody by virtue of the needs that the Narcissist assigns! But no one person is EVER enough because the Narcissist becomes bored easily and is continually seeking out more excitement because without the ability to love or bond with another human being they have to keep getting their fix wherever they can. You have a temporary role in their lives but you believed it was real and even perhaps love – but it was abuse!
The Narcissist strives to maximize the amount of Narcissistic Supply that he/she can obtain from the people within his/her environment. The Narcissist MUST seek out and have total admiration, adoration, approval, and applause at all times. The Narcissist will step it up to even fabricate fame and notoriety with outrageous lies of achievement. None of it is real, it is all contrived and imagined – a concocted and forced “uniqueness”.
The Narcissist makes an investment based on people whose role is designed to applaud, admire, adore, approve and attend to the Narcissist’s every need. Extracting this Narcissistic Supply from them calls for FAKE emotional and cognitive investments from supply to lock them in. In turn it provides the Narcissist stability, perseverance, long-term presence, attachment, forced collaboration, unreal emotional agility (Narcissist fakes this), and people skills and so on and so forth – it makes them seem real to us and our world. Unfortunately nobody can be held to the Narcissists rigid standards and we all fall short of their expectations and graces far too easily. We can’t live life to adorn his/her façade or SERVE them because we live, breathe and think as an individual human being in a world where interactions are real and required.
So we are merely objects in their make believe world to entertain them and provide supply. We are substitutes and babysitters to make up for them not having a REAL life, a real vocation or actual achievements. We displace the emotional rewards of intimacy for the Narcissist with whatever role we were designed for. The Narcissist’s permanent existence in fantasyland is based on us and intended to shield him/her from the real self-destructive urges that they act on. They do for a fact act on every urge they have but it is in direct opposition to what they make us believe is real about them and that is where our conflict begins, that and holding them accountable for the lies and promises. Our role is to accept the lies and promises, to believe this was love no matter what, and the ‘what’ is horrendous abuse. It is always a growing and consistent disappointment and disillusionment for us because we get caught up in the Narcissists delusions of grandeur and reality, and it is really ugly for us when we experience the complete cycle of their abuse.
The Narcissist feels that he/she is entitled to special, immediate, and preferential treatment. The Narcissist demands to be recognized as outstanding, talented, and unique ALWAYS. The Narcissist does not see why this recognition should depend on his/her achievements and efforts and feels unique by virtue of his/her sheer existence. This is the façade.
Additionally, the Narcissist is simply unable to behave in certain ways because he/she is in CONSTANT need of all the supply available and the Narcissist always gets tangled up in their own web of deceit. They are addicted to it. The Narcissist just can’t get attached, be intimate, persevere in a relationship, be stable, predictable, or reliable because it is too limiting to them. It protects the Narcissist from being held accountable for anything and from being abandoned. If the Narcissist does not get attached, he/she can’t be hurt. If the Narcissist avoids intimacy, he/she can’t be emotionally (or otherwise) blackmailed. If he/she does not persevere there is nothing to lose. If he/she does not stay put in one place, he/she can’t be dismissed either. If he/she rejects or abandons first, he/she can’t be rejected or abandoned and the Narcissist’s grandiosity lives on and on with someone new that they will jump to because they have a vast supply out there they have already engaged and waiting in the wings. They keep their legacy alive but jumping from relationship to relationship.
The Narcissist anticipates the inevitable destruction of every connection he/she makes with any other human being, because life with a Narcissist is purely an emotionlessness journey that is laced with pathological manipulation, dishonesty and ABUSE.
This is the basic conflict of the Narcissist. The two mechanisms the Narcissist employs to achieve supply are distorted and incompatible in reality. First the Narcissist must establish long term Narcissistic supply to feed their addiction or 24/7 supply that gives them continuous gratification and to conceal their darkness. Secondly the Narcissist can’t embark on any long-term or real relationship because that requires empathy and the ability to love. The Narcissist doesn’t possess any mechanism to love and only offers a reflection of love that is empty, void and fails every time. So the plan always fails because of the conflict that exists and we pay for it! BUT it doesn’t make it right by any means.
So the truth behind the ‘mask’ or ‘façade’ – it is all a compilation of manipulation and lies that the Narcissist uses to basically find and trick their Narcissistic Supply. But the reality is that he/she refuses to create or associate with any person in an emotionally meaningful way or BOND with them because the Narcissist does not have the internal mechanisms to do so. Basically the Narcissist cannot internalize through emotions of any kind so they go to the outside or look for external and shallow connections to make up for their deficit. Because the Narcissist lacks the basic skills required to make human connections they must COSTANTLY search and obtain his/her fix/drug or external supply EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE SUPPLY. The very people who are supposed to sustain the Narcissists grandiose fantasies through their adoration and attention will always be devalued and discover that they were merely objects and the Narcissist’s reality is full of betrayal, lies, and manipulation. They are just too repulsive and dangerous to interact with. This is the truth that becomes apparent when that mask slips and all of the lies and betrayal become too apparent to ignore anymore, but YOU will be the person blamed and punished horribly for trying to love them in a normal manner. It is very hard to accept this truth, but you must to achieve your own personal freedom and closure with them. No/Minimal contact to stop the chaos and crazy making. Greg