You cannot move forward until you realize the truth of your connection with a Narcissist and that is everything was based on a lie!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
You can’t get over this relationship and move yourself away from the hold this Narcissistic monster has on your life! So in turn YOU try to work it out in your head and heart. You keep reaching back into the past searching for something. Are you searching for answers to so many confusing questions? Probably a resounding YES, but there really is NOBODY there to answer those questions – BUT there are many messages in your head, so you turn to justifying most everything to resolve what only amounts to YOU now abusing yourself by reliving the past and replaying those distorted messages from this Narcissist over and over again in your mind. THIS WAS ABUSE by a personality disordered person that has brainwashed you into believing all of this distorted stuff! But the reality of the situation that this IS abuse never seems to agree with your heart, emotions, and empathy to form some sort of cohesive agreement or middle ground so you are left with a horrendous burden to shake this off!
You ask yourself HOW can someone you showed so much love, turn around and abuse that love. You also ask yourself WHY would a person con you into believing they loved you do such a horrendous thing so they could extort your life through this fictitious love. You ask yourself how you didn’t see all of this and you question your sanity because you feel that you ALLOWED this to happen. You then start questioning the very things that this Narcissist accused you of and perhaps believing that you do have issues! You question this, that and everything! You question yourself for no viable reason other than trying to reach some sort of understanding EVEN though you now know the truth. But there is no other answer than the truth and that my friend is just way too difficult to accept.
Where do the answers to your self-questioning come from? Basically from the experience of being in a relationship with a Narcissist and as odd as this sounds that is where you have to find your closure – or with the truth. So to start, you have to conceptualize that EVERYTHING WAS A LIE. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends, hate you, my family hates you, the world hates you, etc.!’ Don’t forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc. All of these messages that the Narcissist was basically downloading into your head is all part of their delusional disorder based on LIES that they used to manage you down, gain power over you, and to control you. So when you refer back to these messages they put in your head and RELATE to them to try to resolve ANY of this, and you are only listening to the same delusional lies that got you into this abusive relationship that is now still convincing you that you are to blame, or everything bad/wrong, and that YOU have to accept responsibility here for the demise of this relationship. Those messages were designed to debilitate you and they have – so replaying any of them will still keep you in right in the abuse.
As convincing as the Narcissist in your life was about their love for you it had absolutely NOTHING to do with love. Every single action employed by the Narcissist stems from a pathological need to control others. In order to prove your love to a Narcissist, you had to surrender your identity and all of your power and control to them. You handover your life when you handed them your heart. That predator knew that if they attacked your heart then they had you where they wanted you. You became a slave to them and your only purpose was to enhance the Narcissist’s false image, take care of their every need, and accept their self-serving abuse. The cage they used to keep you captive were all of those lies – the POSITIVE endearing I love you lies and the disabling ones that managed you down every day to control you and eventually destroy you. Of course the package is never presented to us in this manner – instead the Narcissist employs extreme manipulation to con you into trusting them implicitly with THREE very thoughtful and well placed and deceptive words – ‘I Love You!’
OK – now for the jibber jabber! As social and self-involved creatures, living together, seeking each other out, we also, spontaneously create a moral order of what we must do, can do and cannot do, and why. This is what regulates how we will interact, defining and protecting individual rights and the social order. Narcissists know that there is a moral order but they don’t abide by any of it and instead they constantly violate it. There is no connection to it whatsoever. But to function in our world they will PRETEND to be one of the most respected individuals out there because otherwise they would be deplored by society and nobody would play with them. So like everybody else we bought into their big lie and con job – but unfortunately we did it on a much more personal level that involved MANY distorted messages as well as the disabling lies. That is the working mechanism in these creatures that enables them to function normally (or look like they are) so they can fit in otherwise they wouldn’t be able to extort life as they do. Simply put they are that big lie that enables them to process and harvest people to get what they need and EVERYBODY falls for their lies but at different levels.
So this Narcissist has tricked you in such a heinous and perverted way and it just doesn’t make sense to a person of empathy that can LOVE. You were raised with morality and standards. You KNOW how to love and trust. You DIDN’T grow up learning that these monsters are out there that are the total opposite of what love is! You will NEVER feel good about this or reach some sort of realistic closure based on the belief system YOU GREW UP WITH, and as well you shouldn’t have too! BUT unfortunately there are a few new words in your vocabulary that you have to now educate yourself about and process them into your scope of the world. Those words are Narcissist and ABUSE. You have to completely dump the messages that this Narcissist has used to gain power over you, control you and abuse you. You have to STOP listening to those messages because ALL OF THEM WERE LIES. It takes time to do this because you have spent so much time believing these lies, now you must spend some time disbelieving these lies. There is no guru out there that can offer you anything that will make this magically disappear until you completely get this, so stop looking for that quick fix. Educate yourself with good information. Understand your enemy and what they did to you. Get healthy and then take a look inward and see what if anything made you available to a Narcissist, THEN set strong and new boundaries. Just DON’T blame yourself as if you deserved this and don’t let others blame you either and most importantly do not ever believe those lies again!
Recovery requires a complete indulgence and openness to look inward. It is a process that requires education, introspection, spirituality, voicing your fears, connecting with other targets/survivors, and a therapist if possible. You MUST totally acknowledge the truth about this person you loved and that is that they are an abuser, psychological terrorist, and psychological rapist. The process begins when you say no to the negative messages left behind and open your ears and eyes to a new life that seeks out true goodness because it is still there where it always was. Finally you must put the Narcissist away forever because there is absolutely nothing that you need to connect with as far as it concerns them. That means any memories or any other thought about them! The wounds will turn into scars and you will come out of this with new boundaries, a new voice and your old belief system back in place but so much stronger. DON’T allow them to have a hold on your complete future! No/minimal contact ALWAYS! Greg