A little deeper perspective into empowering yourself AFTER abuse – the importance of reinserting yourself back into life!
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com
Whatever that Narcissist has said to you that has deeply hurt you or wounded you is not a real observation, it was your vulnerabilities that you shared with them when you trusted them. They twisted, tweaked, and distorted these vulnerabilities to use against you and define you. They were so supportive in the beginning, but that was also to gain your trust and the knowledge of your weaknesses to use against you. You open up your heart along with all of your wounds and gave them the opportunity to find any and all of your weaknesses AND they are looking for them. They DO NOT have the ability to understand pain, sorrow, being vulnerable or apply empathy – they only want access to your weaknesses to use them against you – CONTROL. This is what we have to heal within us – those weaknesses that they have constantly pointed out because they are real and within us and now they have made them come to the surface so much so that we lost trust in our own reality. They are master game players and used their keen perception to always be on top of their game. They took these weaknesses and embellished them to even make you think you were mentally ill and even fear yourself and your way of thinking. It is a very sick game that these Narcissists play, BUT it is a game that requires other players and you have to totally opt out of participating! They will attack you at any and every level they can, even making fun of you physically and they can be VERY cruel! But the point here is that you must take their power completely away from them to get out of this battle to regain a healthy perspective about your life again and that comes from empowering yourself and reentering into a world that may scare you after this abuse. Recovery is about YOU and only YOU – not the Narcissist and you because they were never a REAL or healthy and functioning part of you so you can’t make them a part of your recovery. The Narcissist is personality disordered and they are contagious in a manner that infects people and disables them – that infection will only spread if you allow the source to be any part of your life, thinking and now your recovery.
Some simple messages to start you out on your way to recovery:
1) It is about reinserting healthy messages back into your mind and life by desensitizing and deprogramming the negative ones from the abuse or they will run in the back of your mind forever. Abuse doesn’t define you, it defines the actions of the abuser! Start to program your mind and life around the truth that you are and always were a deserving and good person, nothing has changed there. YES your reality was distorted in a manner that has disabled you but your spirit is able to recover from this as it is meant to. You can unlearn the negativity by purging it out and replacing it with positivity to re-enter the world as a whole person again with some new lessons and boundaries concerning your future and your life. This is your goal to heal so your life is surrounded by what you truly deserve. Don’t allow yourself to pay a debt back to a corrupt person that set you up so that they could yield a huge return from their investment in you or their big con job. Ask yourself how you want to feel after this abuse? Of course your answer is that you want full recovery and to feel complete about life again as you did before this Narcissist came into your life! Just watch how you improve every day you practice this as well as putting distance between yourself and everything Narcissist! It is little steps to get yourself there.
2) We must also understand that change is essential to recovery, OR we must be willing to change for our own well-being! You definitely have the power to make any and all the changes you want and need as well as the power to undo the damage that was inflicted onto you. Right now this is very new to you and you are vulnerable so you will not accomplish a quick or immediate recovery because it is a process. Sure, you may not be able to make strong decisions and changes right here and now because you may not even know exactly what you want and need. It is about small steps because your belief system has been harmed and disabled by the emotional and psychological aspects of this abuse. At least add some self-compassion to the formula as well – you deserve it! There is huge price we pay because of the abuse and that is the emotional and psychological burden that sits squarely on our mind and in our heart that we must purge out of us to regain trust for a good world that DOES exist out there.
3) FIND and get all of the support you need. Beg, borrow and steal it if you have to, but get there and start to reason this out with the goal to move on and forward. Listen to and hear the stories of other abuse victims and survivors. Use your voice as the tool to get support. Seek out professional counseling if you feel stuck in a dark place and too vulnerable to function. Think about this as if it was a physical injury to your body and how you would or better yet MUST seek out help to recover. This is an injury to your mind and that is a much deeper wound that requires a great deal of attention and support to heal. There are groups that are probably within your area that you can attend. Survivors often in turn form groups that support other targets/victims of Domestic Violence and make no mistake as it concerns emotional and psychological abuse because it is Domestic Violence. The important thing here is to seek out professionals and survivors that have real experience with this type of abuse as well as with trauma or PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) that can be an outcome of many years of this type of abuse.
4) Get REAL information that concerns itself with Narcissistic abuse. The wealth of knowledge you gain by educating yourself will benefit your recovery and give you that ‘ah ha’ moment to release from the Narcissist. You will see that these abusers have a similar pattern as if they all read the same book on ‘How to be a Narcissist.’ From there you will assimilate the information in a manner that enables you to clearly see that this was never about you, but actually about them. You will also see that YOU are not the only one that fell for this trap, nor are you deficient in some way as if you allowed it, mentally ill, blameworthy as if this WAS your fault, worthless or any of the Narcissist’s target words that managed you down. Introspection will allow you to look inwardly to create new boundaries and to look at your part in all of this.
5) Look at the real goodness out there that you have ignored while you were completely giving yourself away to this Narcissist. Look for the real miracles that are really all around you and get involved in such a manner that these wonderful things will surround you with goodness and bring you back to loving the world as you once did. There is no room in your heart and mind for thinking about that Narcissist or any ‘what if’s’ concerning any type of relationship with them, reconciliation or closure. They just don’t exist as a real person that you could be any part of or love. Let them go so you can find unconditional love in your world. Even though you are hurt and in pain focus on something/anything that will yield the smallest bit of self-compassion and goodness back into your life. DO NOT isolate yourself from people because you are only feeding those insecurities from the abuse. You are an amazing person that belongs out there in the world with people. You don’t have to hide to recover, so get out because the sunshine and warmth out in the world will do you good. You don’t have to do anything but show the world the person you are. If you are sad you don’t have to speak, but you can smile and make even the smallest connection with life and people. Just don’t lock yourself up in isolation. Change your routine because it needs refreshed! Again there are miracles out there! Keep your health in check because the many years of abuse has stressed you out physically. Maybe employ a walk in your routine, but get those endorphins activated because they all charge those brain cells up with a little euphoria! Take the focus back on your life while you are healing and allow a little bit of newness and joy to get in there as well. Try it and you will see that what I say is real and good for you! You are starting a new journey that will lead you right back into life again where you belong!
Will this heal you completely? No but it gets you into the direction you need to be. Recovering from this abuse is recovering from those horrid messages of shame, blame, fear, worthlessness and many other negative things or things that took your power away. How do you replace your power? By empowering yourself with the truth and positive messages that will naturally purge all of that negativity out of you and replacing it with real truth and positive new adventures that are nowhere near the Narcissist-Land that you once resided at.
Today I spent some time on the phone with a friend that I am helping through their abuse and to get to recovery. I said if you allow yourself to go on this journey of recovery you will awaken and feel things you have forgotten you could feel and life will grow from there once you are out of this darkness that has claimed you. You will see such a clear picture about these abusers and how this abuse actually does darken every aspect of your life until it removes all the light that use to be there. I went on to say that today I have such a clear picture and realize that everything that my Narcissist ever said or did had some sort of lie or betrayal attached to it and EVERYTHING was a lie. I went on to say that I realized how my reality was blind sighted and how that damaged me. It is not just the emotional connection, it is such an extreme betrayal of everything that is good in life. My Narcissist can only be defined as very defective and derelict. In my personal situation with this Narcissist, the truth WAS a lie, and all the lies became the truth and what a twisted and distorted reality that is for a good and loving person full of empathy. It was a horrible experience from a sadistic person, but an incredible journey getting back to healthy! Start with no/minimal contact and take this journey back to you! Reclaim your life. Greg