Searching for the truth and reality as to WHAT is going on in your relationship and WHY you are feeling so out of sorts or basically like life is just too overwhelming – is it you or is it a Narcissist that is making you feel this way and the stages that get you there.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @Amazon.com
You are exhausted from the constant turmoil of this relationship, because of the lies, betrayal and the abuse. You are constantly walking on eggshells, living in fear or setting off his/her rage that seems to happen too often. You are lost and feeling so confused and nothing near the way you use to feel about life.
Here are a few stages that you have probably done or gone through in response to the way you are feeling about your connection or relationship to the person that is making you feel so off or abusing you!
1) The Realization Stage. This is when your questions begin to get answered and you now have a name for what you have been dealing with all this time. You begin to research everything you can find on Narcissism. Although you feel better that you know, the sense of betrayal begins to painfully sink in. Unfortunately, you start to feel angry at yourself for letting it go on for so long.
2) The Anger Stage. The full impact of what you went through hits home and all hell breaks loose! You are angry at the Narcissist but also at yourself. Anger is uncomfortable, but it is a necessary step towards healing. At first, it feels like an erupting volcano but then it decreases and you can focus on how to get through this. Anger is a natural reaction to being betrayed, demeaned, dehumanized, and harmed by someone BUT it is important that you do NOT live with this anger forever.
3) Taking Affirmative Action Stage. This is when you begin to effectively focus your new found knowledge into making life decisions. This is also when you begin to learn and practice REAL techniques on how to protect yourself from the Narcissist or set up boundaries. This is the stage where you may decide on divorce, relocating, changing jobs, or other lifestyle changes. This is a time of great upheaval, because the Narcissist knows that the ‘gig is up’ and the Narcissist will fight you tooth and nail to win. This is a crucial stage in healing, because it is at this stage that the Narcissist will also try to “put on the charm” AGAIN in an attempt to return things to how they were. However, when the charm doesn’t work, the Narcissist can be very vicious at this stage so be prepared for the ‘smear campaign’ that they will use to destroy your integrity and cause a huge amount of damage that will make YOU out to be the abusive person to protect themselves.
4) The Fallout Stage. You become more comfortable in your knowledge of how to deal with the Narcissist. It is where you begin to forgive yourself and begin to feel better about yourself and your abilities. You are actively planning your future, getting to know you again, and you notice how much better you feel, physically and emotionally, being WAY from the Narcissist. Although you begin to get your confidence back, you may still experience the waves of the prior stages or triggers that seem to come in cycles, but these will diminish in intensity over time. This abuse is extremely traumatizing and that is what causes these triggers to return to you!
5) The Mirroring Stage. Not everyone goes through this stage. This is when you mirror the Narcissist’s behavior back at them, effectively scaring them off. It allows some people to siphon off the anger and project it back to the person who caused it. It is quite effective in scaring off the Narcissist, but sometimes it takes many sessions of “mirroring” before the stubborn Narcissist finally “gets it”. Unfortunately for many victims, many Narcissists aren’t willing to accept that it is over if they don’t WIN and they (the Narcissist) continually tries to get back under the victim’s skin using guilt, fear, pity, threats, violence and financial abuse. Some Narcissists keep coming back seeking more Narcissistic supply. DO NOT, under any circumstances, give the Narcissist any Narcissistic supply because they will drag you right back into the abuse!
6) Realization, Apathy and Self-Compassion. Once you effectively block all means of communication with the Narcissist, protect yourself from them, gain knowledge and confidence in yourself, you then reach a stage of realization that there was nothing you could have done to prevent the nightmare that you just lived through. You start looking working toward your new future and close the door on the Narcissist. The most effective way to do this is with apathy and self-compassion. If the Narcissist is still trying to keep you engaged, you simply don’t respond or display any outward emotions toward the Narcissist. You know the truth concerning the chaos this Narcissist uses to set you off, manage you down and disable you so you ignore these messages the Narcissist sends you. Basically you are taking the Narcissist’s power away by empowering yourself. This will in turn bring you to a point that you will completely remove the Narcissist from your mind and your life forever – this is when you concentrate ONLY on you and recovery – basically you are discarding this Narcissist forever and working on YOU.
A Narcissist wants to be able to evoke an emotional response from you. If they can’t make you love them, they will try to make you hate them. If you don’t give them anything, eventually, they will move on to the next victim as they have to get their narcissistic supply or fix. This stage can take some time, because as we know, the Narcissist does not give up on precious supply sources easily.
Narcissists are master manipulators – and they manipulate with an agenda that is all about PERSONAL GAIN. The world is their playground and they feel righteous to take whatever they can because they are VERY entitled to everything and anything. Laws and rules weren’t made for them to follow because they are above reprise for what they do to people. People are only pawns in their world that are meant to serve or service the Narcissist. We all have our roles that again are designed to support the Narcissist’s every need. There magnanimous false self could never achieve this royal status on their own, so they create and support these virtues they possess with many false personas. They are the costumes they wear so they can con decent people and extort their life and love. They are the most amazing actors and they CAN con the very best. They do this with such acute precision that they are able to “pull the strings” of their victims without detection, and render them helpless. They can isolate a target/victim and make them feel as if they are the MOST important person in the Narcissists life, but in reality the Narcissist has MANY of these so called important people in their lives and we are all serving them. We are all just stepping stones for the Narcissist to get where they want and what they want out of life.
You are in only in denial whenever you consider getting back together with him/her. When you catch yourself replaying those old message of, “He/she is really not that bad. He/she really does love me. I am not perfect either so if we wipe the slate clean and start over again MAYBE this time it will work!” FORGET IT, they are on to new supply with a brand new game. Remember the Narcissist did not love you even in the smallest way. That Narcissist is not capable of loving you or anyone else because deep down they loathe themselves. They only view you as an object to control and to bolster their false image. We are all props that they use in their distorted, twisted fantasy world in which they are special, entitled, above reproach and not subject to the rules of civility and decency most of us abide by, AND in their world they can and will abuse people. We have to GET THIS and then leave it behind and concentrate on us! No/minimal contact is just the reality and we MUST get there to start on a journey which is almost a rebirthing process as well as accept that there are bad people out there. BUT we must be able to trust again with our new boundaries. We must live with this as the new message that is always in the back of our mind. We must create these boundaries to protect ourselves and we MUST find and heal the wounds that allowed this predator to enter into our world. Any pain and anger that you feel is the reality that you are moving forward by accepting the ugly truth. Don’t allow the pain to define your progress, but instead allow the strength that allows you to get through that pain to define your progress instead. Yes you are stronger than you believe because you are still here today and every new day is just more proof of your strength and determination!
This is why letting go can be so hard for the target/victim because there are REAL emotions from REAL love that is strongly attached or mixed in with the psychological abuse and it confounds the recovery process just as it did throughout the entire distorted relationship. It becomes very confusing because even though it was all based on lies and a huge façade somehow you still love them and STILL want to sort through all of the deception to make it right with YOUR concept of real love. This is the abuse born out of the extreme manipulation that the Narcissist created to keep you there. The loving connection you feel or felt was in place FIRST and is now beyond the ‘behavior and circumstances’ of the nuts and bolts of the real abuse or the devaluation and discard phases that appear LATER because of the strong manipulation and brain-washing! That may seem ridiculous to people that have never been conned into a relationship as seamlessly as a Narcissist does to their targets/victims, but they have not experienced what can be best described as psychological rape. You bonded with your trust and love to an abusive creature that doesn’t think twice about harming you, nor do they care if they hurt or destroy you as long as they get what they want. It takes time to clear the fog that surrounds you but once that clarity starts to appear THAT is when you question this relationship and search for the answers and experience these levels of letting go and moving on. It is a process to achieve this clarity but an extremely important step to get OUT of this relationship and to recovery. No/Minimum contact ALWAYS! Greg