This was not a normal relationship by any means and we must accept that as the truth to move forward into recovery and remove the Narcissist from our mind and heart completely even if we MUST be in contact with them because this was abuse and it never gets better it only takes and destroys a person.
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @Amazon.com
With psychological and emotional abuse you are never really sure that it is actually abuse, because he/she is not being physically abusive or hitting you where you can say that this was/is an ASSAULT (some Narcissist do get physically violent too though)! You can’t be sure that what your partner says counts as abuse or not. So you defer or justify the situation because you are invested in this relationship because of your emotional bond and you take it all as if the Narcissist is just telling the truth as it concerns these things you do wrong! You go on to justify it by thinking perhaps that you are too sensitive, demanding, jealous, or have issues like he/she may have said or a hundred other things. This happened to me in a manner that I tried to justify and fix these ‘off the wall’ crazy making efforts from my Narcissist because I thought it would somehow change in the future if I worked through this. I even had a perspective that my Narcissist had issues that needed my support and love and made it OK and allowed it to continue and that only enabled more abuse. YES my narcissist had many issues, but none of which I could ever fix and I only ended up coming out of the relationship needing fixed instead! The process involves reversing the negative conditioning and desensitizing the horrendous messages that stole your reality, self-esteem, feeling of worth, and goodness.
I am not weak, foolish, dumb or would allow someone to constantly attack me but the manipulation was such that it slowly but surely got me to where I did blame myself. BUT again remember the mix of that love bombing still lingers on because the Narcissist keeps you attached at the hip with that extreme manipulation as well (the love)! We will go the extra mile for the person we love, because isn’t that what unconditional love is all about? We were kept stuck in this process of wondering ‘is it me or isn’t it me’ and we never reconciled any of it so that it all piled up on us until it became insurmountable and disabled us. So what part of this is abuse? The words in all of those negative messages (and yes to what they also extorted from us)! If your partner, spouse, boss, friend or family member’s words humiliate you, judge you, dehumanize you, make you feel small, worthless or lack total respect for you as an individual with a real voice to respond with dignity, respect, and truth, it is wrong, unacceptable, and abuse!
You will devalue YOURSELF if you accept this behavior and allow other people’s abusive judgements of yourself, until you learn how to identify them and get rid of them once and for all. You will confuse these abusive actions with being realistic as it concerns you and your well-being! Someone’s ill placed and destructive judgement as it concerns you is an aberration of your basic rights as a human being. You cannot make or allow ANY assessment of yourself based on the denial of your ability to speak with the truth/freedom and without the fear of their retribution or loss because of someone’s distorted version of the truth as it concerns you – that is condemning you. We all have the basic rights to speak freely, form and maintain good relationships, and live in peace because these are our basic human rights! Unfortunately when you entered into this relationship with a Narcissist you did not know what the future held for you, but with the knowledge you now have you can break the chain and move forward to a healthy and good life.
A Narcissist lives solely with the presumption that their TOTAL convenience ALWAYS comes first. If you try to call them out on this fact you will never really reach them because they are so locked into this process that your words will seem like a foreign language to them. They live in and protect a huge fortress of this self-serving convenience. Everything in their world gets re-construed to fit that convenience. And because the first person they lie to is always themselves, they can be utterly sincere with their words and actions but it is all part of that huge facade. What their convenience basically describes is their vast neediness to take or even steal whatever they want from life coupled with a superior attitude that they deserve it without caring or feeling remorse for how they treat other people. So manipulation, lies, devaluation, and every other tool in their arsenal is fair game to accomplish their goal. Remember that they have no empathy, emotions or any internal mechanisms that form any sort of bond with other humans. Their bond is with external objects and their personal physical needs ONLY. They DO NOT love or even understand it, but they use that word often to pretend they do.
Their sincerity (or extreme charm) is what made them so attractive to you in the first place, but that could be more aptly defined as an abusive seduction. They maintain that sincerity so much so that it is you and I that internalized that WE must have the problem or be the problem if and when anything goes wrong. Like the lie theory above – right becomes wrong and wrong becomes the right. It is that seductive mix that includes the charm, extreme manipulation, and love bombing as well that reinforces the whole scamming process that distorts our reality. All we really did was believe in them and that was our mistake that led us straight into their abuse of us. Again it all comes back around to their convenience in every situation so that events, their actions, and your actions, just get reinvented to maintain the principle that their convenience comes first and the lies they use to get there. This also means that their reality principle operates so they cannot see the real truth as it concerns them that is purely delusion. They really do live in a self-policing fortress of self-serving convenience. Applying legitimacy to their own lies gives the Narcissist better tools to make and create these delusional based self-deceptions that are at the center of their pathology which make them more believable to themselves and others. They live completely outside of their own reality and that is the basis of their façade. It is not likely that they will ever seek out professional help because they don’t believe there’s anything wrong with them (they don’t even consider it) so they don’t see the need to fix themselves, so whatever problems they encounter are always someone else’s fault.
Our entire existence to connect in this life is based on there being sufficient regularities, rules, or even laws in human nature to make healthy as well as sufficiently reliable interactions with other people. This is just a given and part of our belief system so we generally don’t venture out into the world believing everybody is a liar, abusive, or a Narcissist. We will always tend to follow our belief system first and trust it until there is sufficient proof to believe otherwise. These regularities come from various aspects of just being part of the human condition, AND without them the human condition cannot function normally. Well interestingly enough the Narcissist considers this and uses it as bait to trap us. They completely work this reality of life into their façade of lies, as well as their agenda, and it becomes a working part of their personality or that facade. They are just one magnanimous and huge dangerous lie!
We presume that the Narcissist is reliable and that not only includes their words but their actions as well! THIS is what makes people with personality disorders so destructive, so disorienting, so unhealthy for normal interactions, and so abusive to our lives. The behavioral sciences will tell us that Narcissists or basically people with this type of toxic personality disorder do not think as we do. The definition goes like this – the words that WE construe as normal simply do not have the same status and meaning to a Narcissist because their personality disorder trumps everything and again including how THEY construe all events and even themselves.
Our part in all of this is to find closure in the truth that this was abuse from a personality disordered person that we cannot fix or heal. From there we must STOP blaming ourselves as if WE were the unhealthy one. We must discard everything and anything as it concerns this Narcissist by taking the power away from them and empowering our self. We cannot allow that emotional connection to drive us back into this destructive relationship and try one more time. We must work on our personal recovery and healing from this abusive situation because now it is only about us and returning to a normal world as the healthy individual we once were. We have the power to do this as well as the ability to move forward with trust. The path to recovery is not easy or without pain but it is necessary because we cannot remain frozen and locked up in the abuse for the remainder of our life. Education, personal reflection and introspection as well as support from fellow survivors is key in our recovery process. It is an investment in our healthy future and something we MUST do at all costs. This HAS to start with no or minimum contact if you must remain in any personal contact with your abuser. You are an amazing human being that is equipped with these skills to become a survivor. Remember that this is about only you now. You deserve reality and love and you must strive to remove this abuse from your life so it doesn’t seed itself into your every thought process and change your life forever in a negative way. You can and will do this because you are stronger than you know. Every new day is a day that you can count as one step closer to recovery. Do NOT let the pain and struggle define your days but look at each day as one more day that you have proven just how strong and amazing you are. Greg