What is really behind that mask – the one that charmed us, or the one that we fell for OR fell in love with?
From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @Amazon.com
A little more education with some of the “proto-types” or descriptions of various avenues the Narcissist uses to control and gain power over us and essentially abuse us:
- THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR is skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by diverting topics, dodging questions, and making up new lies, they bluff or threaten us when questioned. Their memory is self-serving as they deny past statements and even re-write history. Constant chaos and diverting from reality is their chosen environment.
- THE CONTRACT BREAKER agrees to anything then turns around and does the direct opposite. Marriage, legal, custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol is meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker always dodging personal accountability for ANYTHING. Enjoys orchestrating legal action, threatening to call the police ALWAYS, and playing the role of the ‘poor me’ victim that is harassed by us.
- THE HIGH ROLLER (at work) successfully plows and backstabs their way to the top. Their family is a disposable prop in their success facade. They are charismatic, eloquent and intelligent in their field, but often fake their abilities and credentials. Needs to have iron-fisted control, relying on their manipulation skills and threats. Will ruthlessly support, exploit or target others in pursuit of their ever-changing agenda. Mercilessly abuses the power of their position. Uses treachery or terrorism to rule or govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to others. They are a vindictive bully in the office with no social or personal conscience but often suspicious and paranoid. Disappears quickly when consequences loom. Low job satisfaction and high rate of employee loss when this Narcissist is present in a work environment or group setting.
- THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for their gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for “rough” or deviant sexuality. Often easily bored, they demand increasingly deviant stimulation with anyone willing, even strangers. However, another behavior exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support. They will project their behaviors onto YOU as in being the “perverse” and deviant one in the relationship and often ACCUSE you of these behaviors to others!
- THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for their failures and circumstances. A master at projection.
- THE VIOLENT NARCISSIST has a ‘chip on their shoulder attitude. They lash out and destroy or use others as scapegoats for his/her aggression or revenge. They have poor impulse control. Fearless and guiltless, they show bad judgment. He/she will harass and push to make you pay attention to them and get a reaction. He/she will try to make you look as if you are out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. Has no remorse or regard for the rights of others.
- THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his/her allies and targets separated. They are verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his/her way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often their objective and mostly other people’s money is. He/she is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you isolated and dependent on them but they will act completely independent of you as far as a real commitment or satisfying any of your needs. We rush in to help him/her with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as their proxy interacting with others on their behalf as he/she sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance (triangulation, back-stabbing, smear campaign) he/she is directing.
- THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, you name it, and this Narcissist does it. We see his/her over-indulgence in food, exercise or sex and their need for instant gratification or out-of-control habits to satisfy their addictions.
- OUR “SOUL MATE” is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He/she will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He/she seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He/she admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He/she wants to marry us quickly. He/she will fake integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his/her ‘idealization’ of the “us” phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His/her discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. He/she will very much enjoy the double-dipping attention he/she gets by cheating. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he/she attaches to a “new perfect soul mate” (they never are perfect just new supply to abuse.) He/she is an opportunistic parasite. Our “Knight in Shining Armor” or “Perfect Princess” has become our nightmare. Healing is lengthy from this psychological terrorist.
- THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often the “woe-be-me” and sympathy seeking Narcissist. Sometimes they can be a hypochondriac with near life threatening illnesses used as a means to gain sympathy or always have family members or close friends that have serious health issues also. They use this as a disguise to appear pitiful to obtain whatever they can.
- THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. Their objective is watching us suffer as he/she inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. Their enjoyment is all too obvious. He/she will be back for more. Their pleasure is in getting away with whatever they can especially when someone is vulnerable.
- THE RAGER flies off the handle with little or no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate overreaction and childish tantrums. His/her rage can be intimidating. He/she wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and confusion we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his/her payoff. He/she seeks either good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, making fun – hatred are his/her objectives. If he/she can get attention by cruelty he/she will do so.
- THE BRAINWASHER is very charismatic. He/she is able to manipulate others to obtain status, control, compliance, money, attention. Often they hide behind religion and or political agendas to look like a caring and moral person. He/she masterfully targets individuals or groups to gain notoriety with their false beliefs.
- THE RISK-TAKING THRILL-SEEKER never learns from his/her past follies and bad judgment. Poor impulse control is a hallmark. Failed marriages, relationships, and enemies seem to loom in their past – but they are always the victim!
- THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he/she anticipates exposure or abandonment.
- THE IMAGE MAKER will flaunt his/her ‘toys’, their children, their wife/husband, his/her credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from others, our envy or our fear is their prime objective. He/she is never satisfied. We see his/her arrogance and haughty strut as they demand center stage. He/she will alter his/her mask at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and superior. Appears to be perfect mother/father, wife/husband, and friend – to those outside his/her home – it is all part of their extreme manipulation. Behind closed doors the monster reveals his/her destructive self.
- THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM is the cruelest blow of all. We learn his/her lack of empathy. He/she has deceived us by his/her cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his/her cold vacant eyes as well as actions. Those closest to him/her become objectified and expendable. Therapy doesn’t help because they can deceive trained professionals.
- THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing. Accuses others of immorality and the sad aspect of this is that this Narcissist is the most immoral person conceivable. They condemn others for their immoral actions and preach openly about their disdain they have for anyone that acts in this manner. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls, manipulates and torments while portraying high morals.
- THE CALLING-CARD NARCISSIST forewarns his/her targets. Early in the relationship he/she may ‘slip up’ revealing his/her nature saying “You need to protect yourself around me” or “Watch out, you never know what I’m up to” or “I was at a wild sex party last night.” We laugh along with them and misinterpret his/her words. We find out after the fact or years later that these words were warnings of this Narcissist revealing a LITTLE truth of what they are actually about or very capable of being. It is as if they start us out with a little bit of their taunting to start the debasing process. Really it was a chilling warning and reality!
- THE PENITENT NARCISSIST says “I’ve behaved horribly, I’ll change, I love you, I’ll go for therapy, I’m sorry!” Appears to ‘come clean’ admitting past abuse and asking forgiveness. Claims we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of his/her words and actions appear convincing. We learn his/her words are verbal hooks to pull us back into the abuse. He/she knows your vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question our judgment about his/her disorder. We can disregard “Fool me once.” We hope for change and even minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting attempt, this Narcissist will enjoy his/her second reign of terror even more if you allow them back in your life.
YOUR DEFENSE STRATEGY – No contact, education about this personality disorder, a group therapy type structure to validate your questions and concerns about your personal situation, professional therapy with a therapist that is educated in this type of abuse (ask for credentials first), support people that will provide unconditional support and love through the recovery process, life-building skills to regain your spirit and self-esteem, setting up personal boundaries to recognize when you are in the presence of toxic people so you can move away from their negative influence, and TIME to properly heal. My Narcissist gets 20 out of 20 – seriously!!! This is their game and the only way out is to stop playing. No/minimal contact! Greg