There is no reality with any relationship with a Narcissist because there is no REAL with a Narcissist – BUT there is a destructive and manipulative creature that can and will debilitate your heart and mind!



From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!  @


MANY targets/victims of this abuse are unaware that they have been living in what can only be compared to as an active battle zone. Most are unaware what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is or that it is a highly effective abuse from a predator. Victims of Narcissistic abuse over time will display symptoms of trauma, avoidance behavior, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties, irritability, hyper-vigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, psychosomatic illnesses, self-harming, and even thoughts of suicide. Targets/victims express deep seeded feelings of worthlessness, humiliation, shame, and self-blame. They have been conditioned to take responsibility for the Narcissist’s despicable behavior because they are constantly told they are the source of every problem, worthless and everything is their fault but yet they STILL support, defend, and love the abuser despite what they have gone through.


It ALMOST seems like an addiction or dependency because the abuse creates a toxic and unhealthy environment which in turn creates an unhealthy mind for the target/victim. The psychological abuse is what creates this pattern of ‘Narcissist pleasing’ or ‘walking on eggshells’. Basically the target/victim becomes dependent on the Narcissist for validation AND the reason behind this is that the silent threat of abuse is always present with the debasing and dehumanizing and it is just too painful for the target/victim AND an automatic coping mechanism against the fear of loss, retribution, overwhelming stress, and the overwhelming pain. Victims avoid the pain because it is so deeply engrained in them and that it is all a target/victim knows from the daily emotional abuse, so like the addict they look for relief, a fix, or the hope that things could turn back to the way they were – unfortunately nothing will ever change and victims COPE or tend to justify many of the problems and basically blame themselves over and over again. It never gets better and the abuse only escalates over time and a new layer is consistently added until the victim is overwhelmed with the many unreconciled layers of this abuse and it BECOMES the victim’s new normal. That love the victim believed in AND trying to reignite or fix was just a mirage that they believed was real, and the Narcissist focused on making them believe as if THEY were a real participant in the relationship – BUT it was a huge CON and just want con artists do. Unfortunately the Narcissist used a strong emotion (love) to gain our trust and then gain entry into our heart, mind, and life. It is a sadistic betrayal of a person’s emotions and psychological well-being!


This abuse is NOT limited to ‘love’ relationships only. Narcissists can be family members like a mother/father, brother/sister, boss/co-worker, friend/relative or anyone for that matter. Targets/victims are often victimized by more than one person as well because they have only learned or known this dehumanizing abuse for a very long period or all of their lives if they are a child of a Narcissistic parent. They internalize an abusive message that there is something is wrong with them and that they deserve this kind of abuse, and then resign themselves to their fate – they NEVER know real or normal love. Targets/victims may not reach their potential in their personal or professional lives because they always have to stand in the shadow of their abuser(s) – and that is all they have ever known in the case of Narcissistic parents. They learn to live in the shadows without knowing why – and that why was born out of the debasing control from abuse at the hands of a Narcissist.


Victims of Narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something. Their confidence becomes so low that they have trouble making simple decisions, questioning and re-questioning things. This is a result from the emotional and psychological abuse used by Narcissists to erode their self-esteem, instill confusion and anxiety in their victim to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. This is skillfully guided by the Narcissist and it clouds reality with leading statements like “I never said that”, “You are crazy”, or “you are imagining things.” The Narcissist will even step up the game by reinforcing these statements by backing them up with statements from friends, co-workers, or relatives that agree and ARE very concerned about the target/victim.


Gradually, the target/victim will NOT trust their own perceptions and doubt themselves completely. This more than often also induces depression and anxiety – two separate issues that will have to be dealt with as well as the ‘other’ consequences of this hideous abuse. The target/victim is totally broken and unable to trust their own perceptions in life (the ones we take for granted as just knowing what to do in life, etc.,) so they isolate themselves because life is just too confusing and they fear it. The victim now doubts everything about themselves, their thoughts and opinions, their ideas and ideals. Ask yourself here and now if you are experiencing this, maybe it is a feeling of hopelessness, fear, confusion, or just an abnormal sense of life, one where you feel very alone and without a real objective to change or fix this by moving on. Targets/victims will become co-dependent on the abuser for their reality and the Narcissist loves this because that is their goal – TOTAL CONTROL of your thoughts and actions and they are at the steering wheel driving this abuse full forward. Who does this but a highly disordered human being with a dark agenda? Who could take, steal away or destroy any portion of another person’s life for any reason yet alone the agenda of a highly disordered Narcissist that is basically driven by their own hate AND an extortionist as well that wants everything they can take from another human being.


No relationship ever ends in such a shroud of hate and destruction as one that ends with a Narcissist. They annihilate every aspect of the relationship, the person, their life, their family, their friends AND basically everything in a manner to completely disable you/us. Every action and word that comes from a Narcissist is a bizarre attack on your personal reality. It takes you from the goodness and normality that you have had all of your life to a dark place where you now have feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness because EVERYTHING you do is wrong and you are basically worthless. Even after separation from a Narcissist, the abuse lives on because like a poison it has entered into every cell in your body and in the case of a Narcissistic abuse the poison destroys the mind and reality of their target/victim!


OK – YOU CAN BEAT THIS! You have the ability to unlearn what the Narcissist has conditioned you into believing about yourself and purge the many negative messages out of your mind. That old saying “A horse can be led to water but they can’t be made to drink it” – well lets change that a little bit and say “A horse can be led to water and taste it, drink it and swallow it – BUT it can stop drinking it, walk completely away from it and not only find a better watering hole BUT greener pastures and other fully functioning horses.” You have to do this so that you aren’t stuck in a fog of lies that will only guide your life in a negative and destructive direction. What the Narcissist has internalized in you can be EXTERNALIZED and thrown away. Move yourself away from any level of this abuse by knowing that you and only you can change and find normality and the reality of a better life again. Say no to the Narcissist, say no to the messages in your head that say you are not worthy, SAY NO TO THE ABUSE. Those negative words and debasing actions are only a curse/spell that the Narcissist casts out on the world and it can’t stick if the Narcissist doesn’t have you under his/her spell. Once you have the education that enables you to see the very truth about this abusive Narcissist, you can remove yourself and break the spell. You have the power to govern your own will and what you will do with your life. You have to take all of that power AWAY from the Narcissist and give it back to yourself. Yes of course no-contact – but when you have to have minimal contact use the truth to really see the evil that is standing in front of you and disengage in your mind from any thought, words or actions they send your way because they are like bullets from a gun and meant to harm! You are a resilient and amazing human being with a free will and you can and WILL heal from this abuse – BELIEVE in YOURSELF again! Greg

Posted on May 13, 2016, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. Repeal what you thought was real. Refuse to heel. Feel. Deal. Heal.


  2. Thank you for writing this! I was married to a narcissisist who claimed to be a Christian. He used religion against me as a tool to control me and make me feel like a terrible person. Thankfully I left when our son was 4, that was 20 years ago and it still affects me. My negative self talk (which was things he used to say) has lessened a lot and gets less everyday. Many of the other symptoms have lessened too. One that has lingered the longest is my ability to evaluate any situation or place and in an instant be able to see where all the potential errors could be and I do my best to “fix them” so nothing goes wrong. This obviously has made me into a bit of a control freak. I always thought it was because he controlled everything about me for years that this was a way of me taking back control. But after reading this I realized it is more likely because I was conditioned to “fix everything” and make sure nothing went wrong, but with a narcissist something will always go wrong in their eyes. I believe discovering and understanding the reasons for our behaviors is an important step in the continued healing process. Thank you for enlightening me more 🙂


  3. 18 months after the first “BAD DECISION” without any remorse, only reasons that all was my fault in some degree or another, I have discovered realization thru this article. Thank you. In hindsight, and looking thru the cloud of pain ive been stuck in, it was nearly an equal trade in terms of time that is. Nearly a year and half of lifelong fantasy , for about same time of worst time of my life.


  4. 18 months after the first “BAD DECISION” without any remorse, only reasons that all was my fault in some degree or another, I have discovered realization thru this article. Thank you. In hindsight, and looking thru the cloud of pain ive been stuck in, it was nearly an equal trade in terms of time that is. Nearly a year and half of lifelong fantasy , for about same time of worst time of my life.


  5. Beverly Bearden

    I just saved this article to my desktop do that I can read it several times, daily. I’m convinced that I’ve been in a relationship (for 3 years) with a Narcissist; we broke up 1 week ago. I’m severely depressed, my self-esteem is in the negative (as well as my bank acct now – he took all the money and left all the bills), I don’t enjoy anything anymore nor be around people I love; I just want to down a bottle of wine and never wake up again, because I still want him back even though he emotionally and mentally (on a daily basis) and physically (at least 3 times a month); he blamed me for his behavior each and every time and never once showed any remorse. I feel like a loser if I give up hope and stop trying to make him happy, yet at the same time I know that I’ll end up a statistic some day if we get back together. We’ve broken up about 10 times over the 3 yr. course of our relationship and I went back to him each time. He was really sweet for about a week or two after each time we reunited, but things always went back to the way they were before, or worse. I feel like I can’t live with him and I can’t live without him. I quit my teaching jobs for him, because there were other male teachers who worked at the same schools and he became extremely jealous and made his presence known on a daily basis on my lunch break. I even had to call him before I left school and speak with him on my cell on my entire way home; if I refused, there would be hell to pay when I got home! Now, I’m jobless and have no money or insurance for counseling. Thank you soooo very much for taking the time to help people like me!


  6. Narcissistic Behavior Symptoms –
    When There Are No Rules, No Responsibility and No Remorse, by Dr. Jeanne King


  7. Thank you for this. I have a narcissistic father who has been in a narcissistic rage for almost a week. My whole childhood has been dealing with this type of emotional abuse, and now that I’m 28, happily married, and a mother, I want to protect my family from this. And most of all I need to heal. I have come a long way, but episodes like this set me back, but like your horse analogy, I will keep trying to find a better place and detach from this toxic father-daughter relationship. He is almost 75 years old and has never changed; he keeps a record of wrongs, accuses/blames, and will go into narcissistic rage at the drop of a pin. He also believes we owe our whole life to him. My mother and I have walked on eggshells for what feels like an eternity. The only way life feels calm is when he is in a different country. Thank you again for this read, it is nice to know I’m not the only one in the world who has dealt with this.


  8. carlalouise89

    This was really great to read!


  9. carole manner veschi

    The day I set up boundaries with my mom, who was too much, she became my enemy. She wished me death on the phone call from the hospital about giving birth to my daughter. She trashed the Christianting. She tried to break things in my home. On one visit she hit me and wished she had a knife to run through my heart. After that she visited every 3 weeks with my ex husband and dad present in my home st the time of the visit. There was no more violence but nasty sarcastic degrading comments every visit. Mom never spend time with her grandchildren. She was oppressed with following and hurting me. The part I still struggle with is no one helping me. Everyone just expected me to take her abuse to make their life easier. Dad could have called on Christening Day or any holiday to wish me well. That never happened. He was selfish. He wanted his life to be easier so he allowed me yo be abused. My ex husband allowed this abuse. He had many issues coming from an abusive home himself. My brother and sister-in-law would not get involved. I know my sister-in-law would never be abused in front of her children by my mom like I was but no one wanted to address the abuse. No one wanted to upset mom to help me. I am surprised at all the enablers there are in my family. It is not just the narcissist that is evil and hurtful. It is all the people doing nothing about it.


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