Let’s have a hard look at the truth that is standing directly in front of us – we were in a desperate and abusive relationship with a disordered and malignant NARCISSIST and we must move forward by discarding THEM now and forever!
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
The dynamics of a relationship with a Narcissist is built solely on the premise that you are ONLY an object to this distorted creature for as long as they want you to be OR until they have extorted everything they can from you, OR you uncover the truth about them. Unfortunately you are coming from what you believe is a real relationship with them so you become blinded and desensitized to the day to day subtle manipulation and abuse. Love, commitment and growth are your goals, but slowly but surely your emotions and thoughts are eroded away until you lose the person you were for so many years. The Narcissist doesn’t change over time or stop the abuse and they will continue manipulating, devaluing and send you into a temporary insanity and then discard you – THIS IS ALWAYS THE CYCLE OF THIS ABUSE. They push and push you so that you react in ways that MAKE you out to be the ‘crazy one’ and then they use that against you to CRUSH your soul and control you as well as point it out to the world with a smear campaign to destroy your goodness and integrity. This is what they are, this was their distorted plan all the time and what they do. There is absolutely NOTHING you could have done to change any of this except to LEAVE them and remove yourself from this debilitating abuse. This is a predator with an agenda to secure its prey, feed off of it or use it to satisfy their needs, devalue it, destroy it, and then move on to new hunting grounds to find another person to prey on. BUT they are so good at this game that few see through them until it is too late! Add to the fact that a Narcissist will destroy each of their targets/victims integrity to cover their tracks by using the insanity they forced on you AGAINST you. The world is none the wiser to these criminals either. Try explaining your incredulous experience and journey with them through this relationship to someone and you have sealed your faith as being the ‘crazy one’ just like the Narcissist has described you to everyone and BEHIND your back. The Narcissist has everything covered as far as the abuse is concerned AND they are always ten steps ahead of you with their games to avoid exposure WITH support from other people they have conned into believing them as well.
Targets/victims that are abused MUST understand that the abuse doesn’t have anything to do with them and the actions of the Narcissist are not their fault. What you are feeling and reacting to is the many years of the brainwashing or manipulation (same thing.) You are NOT this person the Narcissist makes you believe you are, but instead a brainwashed individual that has had your dignity striped away from you by a highly disordered and destructive abuser. This is one of the hardest things to realize that there is absolutely nothing you could have done that would have any influence on changing this creature. Targets/victims of emotional/psychological abuse often think otherwise hoping they can fix things and only end up in this vortex of blaming themselves as being the defective one as well as the reason for the failing state of the relationship. When you remain in this pattern of thinking you ONLY enable the Narcissist to abuse you more. Again this is the Narcissist doing what they do so well, confusing you and using mind control to make you accept their disordered agenda. It is the only way these creatures could function in our world and that is through lies and manipulation, otherwise they would be in jail for what they really are.
Just some reality and the truth! With a Narcissist you will give until you are emotionally, spiritually and physically bankrupt and receive little or nothing in return AND you will lose yourself completely. Just take a hard look at yourself today and then compare that with your state of being when you first met your Narcissistic partner. You are more than likely psychologically and emotionally worse off and feeling totally numb and a different person than you once were. You feel lost and alone in a world that you once love and welcomed into your life, but NOW you reject because of what this abuse has done to you. Narcissists are thieves and once they have taken all you have to give, you are history and they discard you and move on to new and plentiful supply.
PLEASE, please internalize that they waged a psychological war that had an agenda with you from day one! Narcissists are amoral and you CAN’T engage with them in any moral or conscience based issues and expect to achieve anything or better yet win. They fight dirty with lies and evading accountability and turn everything back around onto YOU. They DON’T love they abuse and extort. Narcissists have absolutely no sense of guilt or remorse for their actions. They abide by no rules or laws. They aren’t REAL! There is NO WAY you can shame them into accepting responsibility for their thoughtless and CRUEL approach to other people especially yourself. They feel COMPLETELY entitled in this world. If you are looking for revenge then you will never achieve any satisfaction in that arena either. They don’t connect to your thoughts or words as they concern any opinion that you may have about them, nor do they care. You are an object and supply and it begins and ends there!
I believe that we must be open to loving and giving again after being abused and it will come back to us in the form of other good and welcoming people. We CAN’T let the abuse isolate us from the life we all deserve because that is paying a debt back for something we did NOT deserve. I still believe this even after I looked inward but I set new boundaries and dealt with what kept me locked up in the dance with this monster. I am not stupid or foolish, I was conned. I have learned my lessons and I walk through life with an open mind and open eyes. I will NEVER allow a person to diminish my spirt again. Nor will I allow anyone to bully me or anyone else for that matter. I am still the old Greg that I was, but I am a wiser Greg and a survivor of this hideous abuse. I can and do love – a Narcissist can’t and will NEVER love. I didn’t make a mistake, I was blinded by the manipulation to believe in what we all believe in and that is love. You MUST completely remove them from your heart, mind, soul and psyche to accomplish recovery and a complete freedom.
Now I know there are two types of love, the real thing AND a manipulative and destructive love. I choose real love! I do not hate my abuser but I am repulsed by them and will never acknowledge them as anything more than the truth of what they are and that is a highly disordered creature that has destroyed and extorted so many good people and is still abusing. This creature KNOWS what they are and my voice is too powerful so they cower in the shadows knowing all too well now that they picked the wrong person to abuse with their horrendous sick lies and perverted lifestyle – BUT they would abuse me again IF I allowed them any place in my life because NOTHING changes these creatures. Along with that we only abuse ourselves if we allow them a place in our mind after they are gone. Their lies will NOT work anymore if you take the power away from your abuser and empower yourself with the truth. A Narcissist is always looking over their shoulder because life is closing in all around these abusive creatures because they have abused and harmed MANY people but that is not our problem, nor should we concern ourselves with that or ANYTHING about them. Make this about loving yourself so much so that you choose the life you deserve because you ARE an amazing person. Desensitize those horrid and negative messages you were forced into believing so you CAN get to that place of goodness that belongs to you and is your birthright. You DESERVE love and to be loved so don’t pass a judgement on yourself forever that is based solely on the actions of a distorted Narcissist that ABUSED you, your love and your life.
Go no/minimal contact and stay as far away from them as physically possible. Add to this that you must also train yourself to distance yourself as far away EMOTIONALLY as possible too! SERIOUSLY know that they never loved you nor could they love you because they are void of emotion! They are personality disordered and you cannot fix this but you can fix and repair yourself. This means that you DON’T trespass in their abode or hunting grounds, and don’t peek at their online social sites. Also don’t ever get into conversations, phone calls or texts thinking that they are missing you and softening in their approach to you, they are only attempting to gain more information to use against you. Remember they were very adept at abusing you and putting you in that place of despair that you are presently in and they still have those skills to do even more damage. You have put your best foot forward or probably both feet and every other thing you could put forward ONLY to end up where you are now and FREE of them – but very vulnerable, exhausted, feeling worthless, full of anxiety and so much more. They don’t change overnight or EVER for that matter. Remember that you cannot fight and expect to win on their turf because it is disordered, delusional and abusive. That is not what you or I are about, nor will we ever be able to wrap our heads around a Narcissist’s dark and destructive lifestyle. We are people of empathy, integrity, respectful, and loving – and we must embrace this and protect ourselves by moving on and away from them. The truth ALWAYS comes out in the end! No/minimal contact. Greg