A relationship with a Narcissist is a desperate relationship where you are always feeling vulnerable, worthless, hated, constantly explaining yourself, silenced, punished, and traumatized. What is it that you are actually doing wrong? Nothing! WHY do you keep returning then?

 

 

From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

 

Do some of these behaviors seem to be familiar or similar to what you experienced after one of the many fights or breakups with your Narcissist or perhaps after the discard? You check the phone constantly, believing you missed a call from them or thinking perhaps that you have lost your signal. You seem to sit and wait and wait for their call, text or some form of communication. Because of the lack of response from your Narcissist (perhaps ANOTHER argument) you are hoping most every day that you will get that call or a text saying how he/she is SO sorry, and that they love you, want you back and blah, blah, blah! You have gotten this exact call many times before and it only amounts to the whole cycle starting over again, but there is never a REAL resolution. Seriously think about how many times you have repeated this same process with the fights, raging, silencing, and the Narcissist’s disappearance for days! You are used to feeling this horrible depravation and you only want to fix everything so you feel better again – BUT WHY DO YOU DO THIS and repeat this pattern so often only to end up back to the exact same place each and every time?

 

It feels like you are an addict that is going through a terrible detox! You are always wanting that fix to end the pain you are feeling, but what does it really amount to – more abuse? The havoc the Narcissist creates leaves you feeling so twisted and your thoughts become so distorted that you just want it to end at all costs (the pain.) Have you asked yourself what you are actually missing? Is it the torture, or the indifference, the blame, or the pain that you are constantly feeling because of all of the crazy making and dysfunction? Is it the lies OR knowing that he/she is constantly on the prowl and you don’t want to have to deal with those horrible images all of the time? SO WHAT ARE YOU MISSING? Can you answer this in a realistic manner? Or do you just reason this out so that you can get to that quick fix to avoid the horrific pain you are feeling, knowing all too well that you have repeated this process more times than you wish to remember? Seriously we have become dysfunctional in our beliefs when we are forced into this distorted submission from them and compromise our reality to feel that these actions are healthy! It is the furthest thing from healthy because it just always keeps us revolving in this cycle of abuse. This is what the Narcissist wants! This is why they act out in the manner that they do and that is to completely manage us down through extreme psychological manipulation or better yet terrorism. They have being doing this slowly but surely from the very first day they met us. It is their modus operandi or mode of operation!

 

On the flip side of the coin do you ever feel that you really don’t want them to contact you, but you still want the fix, but AGAIN why and at what cost to you because you ALWAYS end up back in this same exact place of total despair! The fix is only a temporary bandage to stop you from feeling the pain of the wound they constantly inflict on you with the devaluation. Coming back as they do is just their method of controlling you to keep you in the cycle of abuse. He/she loves me, he/she loves me not, he/she loves me, and he/she loves me NOT, NOT, NOT. Really he/she loves you NOT but you will stay within this unending loop of dysfunction and second guessing for eternity if you don’t jump out of it.

 

So many targets/victims go through this. Constantly checking the phone for messages and wanting to hear from him/her as well as NOT wanting to hear from him/her at the same time. You keep trying to get that “fix”, knowing that it will do nothing but tear open a new wound that you will never be able to heal as well as trying to fix this dead end relationship ONE MORE TIME. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I am not suggesting you we are insane, just trying to bring the point home. We struggle to hold on and we struggle to let go. It’s very hard to convince the heart what the mind already knows. Like an addiction, you must separate yourself from the very thing that you are addicted to. Are you always tempted, YES, YES AND YES! Maybe you can just resist the temptation to reach out to them, but you always struggle with not responding to him/her when they initiate the contact, and they usually do at some point. It’s in their nature and part of their disorder, but this is a choice only you can make to stop the madness this time.

 

When we allow the Narcissist to have communication with us just what is the cost as it concerns us? They never apologize, so we accept the blame from whatever chaos they initiated to create another argument. We have to because there is no other option as we have been conditioned into believing AND we accept it in the hopes of fixing the relationship. They may make you believe that they are offering an apology but that is just to pull you back into the abuse. What was actually going on when you were left in silence after the last argument? Were they visiting their mother perhaps (like they may say they were) or were they visiting extra or new supply (the very truth in my situation!) If you were to try to reconcile whatever the event was that led to another argument or the silencing/separation, there is never any resolution and you are always left feeling like you are the bad person, jealous, or crazy AND nothing is ever resolved. You are blamed for pushing them away perhaps when you didn’t even start the argument because it just came out of nowhere! Perhaps you were accused of something you NEVER did – I was always accused of something and that was just the Narcissist projecting. This happens so many times that there is just layer upon layer of this same behavior buried deep inside of you and unreconciled but you keep going back. One day they WILL totally discard you and the reality that THEY were doing everything you suspected is now the truth standing right in front of you. Why didn’t we just follow our intuitions? Their constant making up with us was just a form of manipulation, brainwashing, AND torture to create more of their dysfunctional chaos to manage us down completely and keeping us dependent on them.

 

It is VERY painful to continue in a relationship with a Narcissist, but it feels excruciatingly painful to completely let go and to be without them. A relationship with a Narcissist is filled with OVERWHELMING emotions and very little reality as it concerns having a viable loving relationship with them! Your life only coincides with their chaos and your every day is having to react to some new chaos, justifying their behavior and lies, bending your emotions the wrong way, and moving forward with NO RESOLUTION. With a Narcissist you are very elated with the highs but the MANY lows always devastate you COMPLETELY. The emotions are so very strong both ways (the good and the bad). Due to this, the relationship with a Narcissist is never boring but NEVER straightforward, BUT very disabling. It is more like sadistic in nature with the CONSTANT ups and downs as well as exhausting, debilitating, and traumatizing.

 

It is all a big diversion to keep you confused and to control you – this is what abuse is. It is easy to get this addicted feeling (or obsession pattern) especially after the devastating and heart-breaking low or when the Narcissist has abandoned you both emotionally and physically or has been misbehaving (cheating or any number of things.) Consequently when the Narcissist returns to you, the high feels so euphoric and BAM the pain is gone. Everything is back to NORMAL again because the Narcissist is behaving so well, he/she reinstates how much he/she loves you and can’t live without you and wants to be with you forever! It seems like an opportunity once again to fix this and get back to that feeling you once shared in the beginning or from the love bombing. THIS has become your normal?? Yes that is the normal that you have been managed down to accept by allowing this cycle to continue – MORE ABUSE! Sometimes during the devaluation stage the Narcissist just returns to hurt you even more and somehow that still satisfies us as a fix and we stay engaged instead of initiating no contact. It deteriorates to such a level that any contact becomes a small glimmer of hope when there is none! What exactly should have we change about ourselves? MAYBE more willingness to accept the lies, betrayal, manipulation and psychological abuse? NO – what we need to change is our proximity with this Narcissist by moving on and totally away from them. You are an amazing human being that deserves the same beautiful love that you offer unconditionally not abuse from this creature that envies love and life. YOU discard them from your heart, mind and soul forever! My Narcissist would ALWAYS say “I told you I would leave if you didn’t change!” Guess what – I didn’t change – because that day I FINALLY saw the truth standing right in front of me and that was the best thing I could have hoped for. I kept praying for a miracle and I got that miracle with my Narcissist leaving once again and I accepted that truth and shut the door forever! No/minimal contact!    Greg

Posted on May 3, 2016, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. I’m in a long term relationship right now with a narcissist. An I’ve come to terms that I am INDEED with a narc. But I need help. I don’t know how to leave. I’m not even working right now. He pays the bills. So I feel stuck in this neverending merry go round. I’d Like to see some kind of therapist that knows about this personality disorder to help me out. Let me vent an help me make an exit plan. We also have 2 young boy’s together. So I believe if we didn’t have kids that I would’ve left along time ago. Please help me. An information would be so helpful. Thank you so much for writing this article. It’s nice knowing that I’m not the only one going through a long term narcissist relationship.

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  2. But it feels like there is no justice…. no mercy for the poor fool who loved and believed in the narcissist over and over and over again. By going no contact, it feels like there is NO closure…. and me never getting to tell them that I know they are a fake, fraud, phony… loser who is incapable of loving anyone but themselves. They just move on to their next victim….. Such a tragedy. I am left feeling miserable and alone.

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  3. Thank you
    You are saving my life!!!!!!!!!!
    I am 32 years old . My parentes and my ex boyfriend are narcissists.
    With your community now i can see the difference between me and all this narcissistes in my life. For the first time i beggin to define the limites – bundaries to protect my self from these personnes. Cause of their behavior i was always blaming me and subconciounsly want to destroy me because i was never good enough for theme no matter who hard i always was trying…My ex narcissist boyfriend was the typical example you describe here with all the lies,cheating all the 7 years we were “together” etc…Now its one year and a half that finally we are seperate and all this time i am trying from my part the no contact methode with him.Its really very hard for me to do this for real…but i am trying to do it step by step and with a lot of disipline of course while he is trying till today to communicate with me,my sisster,my mother,my work, and it seems like nothing can discourage him…And every time that his trying to manipulate me with every possible way i read your articles and i find the courage no matter it steel hearts me to refuse.In this moment of my life that for the first time i also realised that my parentes are narcissistes too and that almost all my life i spent it with narcissistes you cant imagine who much you are helping me!!!!!!!!!!! It is very hard while you are trying to overcome your relationship with your ex boyfriend and suddenly you have to deal with the truth that not only your ex but also your parents are narcissists…In fact you have to overcome all your past !!!!!!!!!! The only way to be healthy and happy its to restart your life from the begging starting from inside of you which is the most dificult thing to deleate all this messages from the narcissists in your brain and rebuild your self-your life.But it worth all this hard work because despite who hard it seems is the only way to survive and then enjoy your life!
    Thank you! Your articles can save lives!!!!!!
    PS. Sorry if my text has mistakes i am trying to learn better english and its a long time now that i am reading your articles and i was emparrassed to write…but then i realised that this community is an opportunity to overcame this fears, to communicate with such a great people and why not to practice your english…

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  4. Thanks for all your insightful posts. I think it’s double-difficult when the Narcissist is a sibling, which is my situation. I have been victim to my Narcissist sister for years now and have a very hard time accepting that she is a Narcissist, find that I hope she will change back into the person I once knew (when we were younger) and have a difficult time with going no contact simply because we are family. Very little is written about sibling Narcissists. Most of the information is to do with romantic relationships. When the Narcissist is of your own flesh and blood, it’s oh-so much more difficult and dangerous. Also, I would like to read more about what goes on in the minds of Apaths (or flying monkeys), why they are so blind. But thank you for your help. I appreciate it.

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  5. I realize that we shouldn’t excuse people with NPD because they do know the difference between right and wrong. But after seeing one in action for years, I have also seen how sure she seems to be in her convictions. So I do feel the need to be a devil’s advocate here. If it’s true that “crazy people don’t know they are crazy,” then perhaps it is not unreasonable to have some pity for people with NPD. For example, once the curtain is pulled aside and we see them for who they truly are, they continue their attempts at manipulation. I believe that many of them (if not all of them who are pathologically narcissistic) think they are so much more clever than we are that we will always be easily manipulated. It becomes an absurd cycle of hot and cold, and even if we tell them how warped their thinking is, they don’t believe us and go right back to behaving the same way. It’s as if they are hard-wired to behave a certain way and their disordered “programming” results, more or less, in a sort of insanity. Think of a warrior who becomes delusional and thinks he can’t be defeated. That delusion becomes a weakness, but he doesn’t know about that weakness because he doesn’t know he’s delusional. If that’s not pitiful, I don’t know what is.

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  6. Yes but you only talk about severing a romantic relationship with a narc. What do you do after discard when the narc is your daughter who withholds access to your beloved grandchildren because she is afraid of your love for them and their love for you?

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