YOU are told that YOU are the crazy one, YOU are the problem, YOU have issues, and YOU are the reason this relationship DOESN’T work!

 

 

From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!

 

The Narcissist can’t participate in what they don’t know and will never know and it becomes a major obstacle for them. Remember the ‘charm’ or the love bombing was manipulation to get you to trust them, allow them into your life, and then they USED you as the NEXT source of supply and finally they disabled you, aimed to destroy your integrity, or the ‘harm’ that this cycle of abuse always ends with. It goes no deeper than this because they can’t resist any source of supply and have been betraying you constantly behind your back and then lying to your face. Then it is just a matter of time that the Narcissist will follow up with the perfect scenario to get to the discard because your emotions are like poison to them and THAT creates a frenzy in them to run to escape exposure because YOU HAVE CAUGHT ON TO THE TRUTH. So they will manage you down completely to avoid your emotions until they have sucked the life out of you – that was the real agenda here and the rest was just damage control to protect themselves from being exposed! They will completely destroy the target/victim’s integrity as punishment for loving them. The target/ victim is deemed as crazy, mentally ill, obsessed, scorned and YES their abuser. This is their ‘smear campaign’ to get at us, disable us, silence us, and humiliate us into fear and then silence us. Remember you are dealing with a very paranoid creature that TOTALLY fears that exposure. They don’t care about the harm and damage they did to you and your life – they just vdon’t want to be caught and labeled as an abuser!

 

Again, what is all of this saying but YOU are normal, smart, good, capable of love, etc. But A Narcissist hates the things they do not understand, or can’t participate in, so they seek to destroy them and you because they are so foreign to them. While you were spending so much time trying to repress your emotions and fix this relationship to be the perfect person or partner to them, you were actually doing just fine all along as a regular person and even probably pretty amazing. Your emotions are what make you human, and the Narcissist is not a fully functioning human and they got very tired of those human qualities because they are not in this to feed your needs, you are there to be completely unconditional to their every need and never expecting ANYTHING in return. Your goodness and amazing love needs nurtured and requires REAL love in return from this Narcissist and they can only imitate it for so long with their words and lies or until it makes them rage because you are asking for them to give of themselves in return. Remember this is a relationship that requires YOU giving your all and receiving NOTHING in return AND accepting their lies, manipulation, betrayal and abuse. This is a con artist and thief you are dealing with.

 

So now the HOW and WHY they run right off and into another relationship within minutes of the discard and throwing hate bombs back at you! First off, they always have had new supply waiting in the wings because there is never a viable or complete relationship in the Narcissist’s world only people to objectify and serve them EXTERNALLY and probably quite a few of them. We are all objects and that is where it begins and ends. If the Narcissists has a new and amazing target/victim it is about a value assessment that they made concerning you and that means you are no longer viable and useful, or you have caught on to them because there is absolutely no love in the equation – BUT there was to you and that is what you are feeling and that hurts horribly. The new target/victim is now more valuable than you because he/she is more than likely providing them with better and unconditional adoration that they crave that isn’t bound to any emotions – remember a Narcissist only values external stimuli.

 

They are just starting up a new cycle of abuse and there are no problems yet. It just interprets to you not doing enough in the ‘you must adore me completely and satisfy my EVERY need’ department – AND you could have NEVER done enough. So when the Narcissist dumps you for another target, they are writing you off as a less useful target/victim and source of supply – this again is their agenda to extort, use and abuse. They see you as less submissive, less controllable, and less vulnerable than their new replacement for you. When they dump you and rub the other partner in your face, they are not proving how happy they are or that they have found BETTER love, or YOU are not worthy of their love because you are defective and undeserving! They are only running for their lives and seriously trying to erode your self-esteem and integrity so that they can convince YOU that you are so much worse than their new conquest. They want to make sure that you are good and vulnerable so they keep kicking you now that you are down to shock and silence you! People that really love in a normal way do not intentionally harm people in their past by rubbing what they presently have in their faces – especially as it concerns moving on to a new relationship.

 

The only time people need to prove their happiness to others is when they are in fact very unhappy. So when Narcissist’s post those new pictures on a social networking site (or any pictures for that matter) for the world to see their AMAZING life, they are not happy. They are the same miserable pathetic creature and they are only trying to convince their NEW audience of just another lie by manufacturing misleading stories to create that new façade and of course bury their past.

 

Everything the Narcissist values is born out of pathological self-centeredness and the direct opposite of a normal and loving belief system or what you would value in life. So when they punish you, they are saying you were just too amazing to keep up with. They couldn’t completely destroy you and TAKE the things that you have ingrained in your heart, mind, and soul. They tried and they disabled you but everything good about you is still there! You really experienced their twisted, manipulative, and destructive envy of life and love OR their delusional world and THIS is what traumatized you! They tried to convince AND manipulate you to doubt your greatest assets and qualities. In time and when you can look back at the clearer picture you will begin to understand how this abuse was really an acknowledgment of your strengths that beat the Narcissist and the abuse! You have been deeply wounded by the pain this person inflicted upon you, and unfortunately it may take years to fully comprehend the extent of their abuse, but by far you are really an awesome person that was pursued by a predator that is dead inside but you overpowered their agenda and escaped with your life – YOU are just that strong and that resilient and you can and will recover from this abuse and your true spirit WILL come back to you! It all starts with No/Minimal contact!   Greg

Posted on May 2, 2016, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. I truly thank you for all of this information. What a revelation and understanding in depth to what I have lived for 9 yrs. Every single detail and explanation, is exactly what I have endured and gone through. I was mesmerized and couldn’t stop reading your articles. It has been of great help and made me realize what a sick person I feel in love with. It is so sad to find out that the person you utterly loved has no help! Everything, everything in these articles I lived, experienced, went through and still am battling with.
    Words can not express how much I regret ever crossing path or even noticing such an unfortunate person. But now all I can do is pick up the many broken pieces of my heart and life and leave it to God to mend. Because only by his power I can do it. It is not my battle, but the Lord’s to make me regain what so selfishly was taken.

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  2. Thanks for sharing this blog

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  3. My son was taken away by unethical psychiatrist siding with N/sociopath with the help of the GAL. My daughter started cutting while she was with him on his week. Two days after learning the screaming and hatred about “losing the house” he spewed starting in 2010 was finally coming true (I had had to move out 2 years before that to get my son away from the unethical psychiatrist who had overdosed a kid in 1997 and N/sociopath moved back in. The tricks he used before the divorce and then in his tax returns prevented him from refinancing and after 13 months had to put it up for sale) she was committed to a psych ward for 4 days, then came out on my week and said she did not feel safe with me and wanted to spend two days with dad. Last week tuesday she told the GAL and CASA I was the one abusing her and she did not want to live with me any more. She mentioned so many bizarre things and some of the things N/sociopath did when he was abusing her outright and attributed it to me. Now I have lost both children.

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  4. Greg, very well said, and regarding my experience with my Narcissistic PD disorderd- mother, again, you are, spot-on. I had a 20 years long consistent and very close relationship with my mother (my 20’s-40’s). My traumatic betrayal came once I became overwhelmed by multiple health conditions. In spite of my health problems, I was always working, lived independent/never dependent on family. 3 years ago, when my health became severe to the point of debilitation, I accepted my mother’s (and “step-father”) invitation to move in to their home, (for however long needed), so I would have family support. “Family support so I wouldn’twouldn’t be living alone, “family support to help me access the best medical care”, “family support to ensure I achieved wellness, in order to move (out)/& on.

    I moved in, with a reference point of 20 years of closeness, and their invitation. However as soon as I moved in, I can tell my mother was not her usual self. Slowly, progressively, to quickly- my mother’s Narcissistic PD resurfaced. I hadn’t seen my mother display this identity and the associated behavior for 20 years. My brother was married and had 2 young sons. My mother literally resented my existence and enlisted my “step-father” to support her rejection of me. I have been sick and vulnerable, traumatized beyond description, abused verbally, emotionally, humiliated, lied about being “mentally unstable” to family and her friends. Then split off from family, lied to. Mother/step-father ostracize me in the house, ignore me/silent treatments, do not tell me about family events, holiday gatherings, etc. And do anything possible to keep me isolated. I have gotten dramatically sicker, treated as if I am not human (mother supported step-father’s verbal attack, telling me “I was nothing but a parasite”). I am still living in this nightmare. I have been kicked so much, while already being down, repeatedly over the last 3 years- I am broken down and slowly falling apart. It all comes down to not having the financial resources to get myself out and save my life. So I do what I can to help myself. But then I am constantly being undermined. I have found support through book about mother’s with NPD, and its effects on adult daughters, online community blog/support sites on this topic, etc. I would go No Contact, if I could. I am in the most difficult circumstance, an adult daughter with a NPD mother, could possibly be in. While feeling traumatized, physically unwell, and having limited financial resources, I have to somehow, figure out, how to get myself out of here. Thanks for listening. Please reply with any feedback or guidance. Sincerely, Ali

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  5. My ex (now deceased) husband was very much like this!! But, so was my estranged daughter and sister!!! I sought help because I believed there was something wrong with me and they were SO right!! I don’t believe that anymore!!! Now there is “no Contact”!

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  6. Lydia Materno

    Absolutely! He said all the time: this divorce is 100% your fault. When I would “fix” what I was “doing wrong” and I was sure things had to now get better, he would introduce a bunch of other things I was or wasn’t doing right! I look back and it was all so crazy. I wanted to make it work so bad! I’m still recovering we got divorced 9 months ago. He is on his third woman now and all three were ex girlfriend!!!!!! Me I’ve been in therapy.

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  7. This article hits home for me. My entire marriage I was reminded of three things. I’m a liar, a grandstander and a martyr. I was told I’d never amount to anything, either. All the “classic” things I read of in articles such as this. When I left him, it was war. He was brutal to the kids. I’ll never be convinced that my one son’s seizure and the other son’s stroke wasn’t brought on by their father’s abusive behavior. And when my youngest, 12, had his seizure, their father got angry at the middle son for calling to tell me my son was on his way to the hospital. He wanted me to stay away so that he could try to demonstrate that I was a neglectful mother. The spying, the cameras, tracking on my car, tapping the phones…I look back now and wonder how I got out of that. We were married 25 years.

    I got out, but the emotional damage has been difficult to recover from. My self esteem has suffered and I had to overcome feelings of worthlessness. During my marriage, I felt hopeless and in such a depressive state that it was all I could do to get out of bed. I went through bulemia, self harm and drank my breakfast and lunch but sobered up for dinner. The hardest reality to face was the reminder that my marriage wasn’t real. It’s the most empty feeling to look back on 25 years and feel nothing. No fond memories, no love…just emotionless wasteland. Since leaving, I no longer do any of those things.

    Life isn’t without hurt and stress, but there is a freedom you’ll experience that has a calming effect on you, in spite of what else is going on. I’d found someone that truly loved me, but cancer took him away. For a period of time, the children I’d spent my entire life investing in turned on me, accusing me of things their father said I did. His influence was apparent in their attitude when they’d return to my place after being with their father. I’ve been broken so much I never thought I’d get back up. But I did. It sure didn’t happen overnight, but perseverance and reminding yourself that you aren’t worthless and taking steps, no matter how small, every day to recover is key to your survival in the aftermath. And once you do that….you will experience what inner strength feels like. And you will be unstoppable.

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  8. Before I decided to go with the “No Contact” rule (which really wasn’t very hard because I TRULY did not want to have anything to do with my ex-Nar because I knew he was evil and corrupt and I did not want to argue or fight with him ever again!), but one of the last communications I had with him was after he had gotten his new victim/mistress/fiance to ‘blast’ me in emails (all she did was regurgitate all of the nonsense/lies he had been feeding her and she spewed it out as if it were ‘facts’ that she totally knew about). I had been married to this Narcissist for 23 years, so during some of his ‘affairs’ this mistress of his was only 10 years old and she spoke of the ‘facts’ that he had told her as if she was there and knew he was telling the truth! After he had told me that he had even slept with my sister, this stupid girl said to me “you need to ask your sister about what happened, it wasn’t HIS fault”…..WOW!!! That incident didn’t even give this girl “pause” to think about that atrocity, he had her truly believing that whole incident was completely the fault of my sister and he was not to blame! I don’t speak to my sister either, by the way! It takes two to tango. This girl also told me that she couldn’t believe he stayed with me for as long as he did and that I was crazy and needed to get help or I would end up hurting myself or someone else. Anyway, he had written me an email, out of the blue, and all it said was “What did you ever do to make us happy?”. Another time, when his father was very ill and actually dying, he left a message on my cell phone that was blaming me for not having a good relationship with his father and he called me a selfish, petty c*nt (BTW, when we first met he didn’t hesitate to tell me that he hated his sister and didn’t ever want to be like his father). He did not have nice things to say about his father…..but “I” was to blame for him not having a good relationship with his dad. So yea, I was the crazy one and I was the problem and I had the issues and I was definitely the reason the relationship/marriage didn’t work! This kind of mental/emotional abuse went on for decades. He was the type of Narcissist that was a show-off spendthrift and I was the one who managed our finances (perfectly, I might add), but when I would tell him that we needed to watch the spending or that some things he ‘had to have’ were not necessary and were too expensive, he would say to me “have I put us in the poor house?”. Well, he married the victim/mistress 8 months after our divorce and she left him (with their 4 y/o manufactured twins) two months after their 5th Anniversary and they were BROKE … or should I say “in the poor house” 😉 In 4 years he had been sued for defaulting on several of his loan obligations (2 properties, a Yacht, credit cards) and had one car repossessed and almost lost the other one and he also managed to lose 4 jobs in 2.5 years as well……so, exactly WHO was it that kept US out of the poor house? The girl he married was 20 years younger than me! This story could go on for days…….I know we ALL have novels we could write but this article really struck a nerve with me! Just the other day, after I had taken him to court for not obeying the court orders of our Marital Settlement Agreement, he left a message to me on my Linkedin Profile that said “Kiss my Rear. Full rim job”. When that Hearing didn’t go well for him and I had my lawyer serve his NEW employer with the Income Withholding Order he immediately ran to the Payroll Dept. and told them NOT to take any deductions out of his Commission Income! Luckily the employee that handles that called my lawyer and he explained to them that YES Commission Income IS to be deducted from (this man owes me over $200,000 in back alimony!!!)….so I’m sure that’s what made him write that sweet message to me on my Linkedin Profile. Classy guy, huh? Sigh. And I will have to suffer this ‘battle’ with him forever!!!

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  9. There is, was, always will be, side supply… You just may not realise it yet….

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  10. I have been reading these posts for two years now and as an intelligent capable strong woman I want to say thank you. The education I have received about NPD from this site has probably been the foundation in keeping me alive…. I mean living not deaceased!!!.

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