Those debilitating messages that keep playing in the back of your head because you believe that your Narcissist has just moved on and doing so well.
From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist
Today or whatever day you are sitting there and feeling such a debilitating and sick feeling in the pit of your stomach because of something you saw or heard that this Narcissist is off and having the time of their life with a new person is just ambient abuse OR all about the Narcissist warping your reality from a distance. This is still all about the devaluation that you spent so much of your time trying to reconcile and now you are trying to reconcile THIS with those same distorted messages playing in the back of your mind. You believed that so much of this was your fault or YOU were the problem, and that still lingers in your mind. You are still trying to fix this in some manner to alleviate the pain you feel, but now it is only at a distance and you are the only participant. That Narcissist is off and into a new target/victim, so on top of everything else you are searching for more answers about another layer of abuse that has been inflicted on you. There aren’t any REAL answers out there but there is the truth you know from the experience with this Narcissist and THAT is where you start with recovery. What you see are only more distorted images (concerning the new supply) that lead you back to feeling like YOU were/are unworthy.
Your Narcissist is sending all kinds of messages that they are in love, maybe they got married within a few weeks after they discarded/abandoned you. First who does this? You don’t meet someone within days or weeks of a breakup and commit to them. WELL a Narcissist does, and probably had this supply on the side the whole time as backup or met someone that showed some interest and the Narcissist saw opportunity because you were becoming wise to their game. What I am trying to get at is that this is all about the cycle of abuse – the love bombing, devaluation, discard and then the Narcissist with new supply within a very short period of time and it all is traumatizing. This is just a new person for this Narcissist to cycle into abuse and more than likely they have been searching for, procuring, and building up a harem of new supply throughout your entire relationship with them.
SO that pretty picture about the two of them out there and being in love, etc., is only that Narcissist SECURING new supply and THEY will end up LOCKED into this debilitating abuse PURE and SIMPLE and THEY will go through the same horrendous abuse that you went through. Unfortunately you still feel attached at the hip to this Narcissist because you had REAL emotions as they concerned YOUR relationship and probably may still feel you love them. Unfortunately even though the Narcissist was akin to a monster the love you felt for them doesn’t just magically disappear when you finally realize that what you loved was an abusive Narcissist. Because you loved them DOESN’T make you weak or anything negative because we all fall in love but unfortunately what you fell into love with was undeserving of your love. Your emotions WILL still come into play for some time and especially when you are trying to actualize the truth about this whole mess. Your emotions will be heightened, especially after seeing that they have moved on so quickly and you are still crawling your way out of the huge void they left for you and feeling traumatized. You HAVE to separate yourself from those emotions and it isn’t easy when you are feeling so vulnerable, but at least if you can start by internalizing that they are abusers and what they have with the new supply is just as unreal as what you experienced, it will start to plant a seed in your mind that will grow with time (and more education) – AND A CLEARER PICTURE about the truth.
If you ever broke up from a previous and normal relationship did you feel this disconnected without any sense of closure? Were you hated as a Narcissists hates their ex’s, or was your integrity destroyed? Only Narcissists do this with astonishing agility to destroy those that they know they have harmed! Just look at the Narcissist’s past and you won’t find it anywhere within reach of the new supply – and remember you didn’t know about their past either – or that they were a malignant Narcissist. The Narcissist separates their past from their present for a reason and that is to avoid exposure. You could talk until you are blue in the face to the new supply but you will probably get nowhere because they believe just as you did at one time that THIS IS THEIR SOUL MATE. BUT they do know something is not quite right even now and trust me on this one!
Those past emotions that we draw our conclusions from loving this Narcissist can damage us more and become a driving force especially as it concerns this abuse and once we allow them it is just like being on a rollercoaster with so many ups and downs. There is no closure just tons of messages from a disordered creature that wants you to feel their wrath as well as abuse you just a little bit more to perhaps take you over the edge because he/she KNOWS that this will silence you and make you seem like the insane, jealous or obsessed person – and they will point their finger at YOU and say this to everyone that is in your life or close to you. Don’t let this become your focus because it will only lock you up in a vicious circle of obsessive thoughts that have no basis of reality because you are dealing with a Narcissist and you NOW know what they are and do. They want to continue to control you and enjoy it with all of their off-color messages and gestures of happiness. The many supporters they SEEM to have are surface friends that haven’t had to deal with their abuse personally as we have so they are clueless and lack the depth to see the real truth. Narcissist don’t maintain or harbor deep friendships, they con and abuse any and every relationship for their convenience. We can’t blame the new supply or dislike them, because we were in THEIR shoes once and look where it got us, BUT we also protected the monster and stayed with them until we couldn’t anymore.
In reality you loved the love, because you were the only participant in this relationship. There was a body there with you but it used and abused you and loved the adulation and admiration it saw reflected in your face. This creature extorted your whole life through betrayal and cheating your love day after day. Just what would you consider was viable as far as love in your relationship with them now that you know the truth? What would you want from this Narcissist that can never love you – more abuse because that is the only thing they have to offer?
When you feel the urge to drown yourself with emotions, just remember those emotions were real to you and you are an amazing person that can love but that person you loved was stealing your life through this love. They are disordered and will always be that way. You must separate your emotions from the reality of WHAT they are and build on that aspect through more education. There is NOTHING amazing about them and never will be, they will continue abusing people and tricking all of their little minions that they manipulate as well.
The cost of your relationship was a deep psychological punch to your mind and soul that left scars. Don’t ask yourself to justify anything about your Narcissist and new supply as being good or real. Don’t connect to ANYTHING that they are waving in your face at a distance because they are doing it for a reason to protect themselves and fool more people into believing their incredulous lies and disordered lifestyle. Try to stay away from any thoughts about them as it concerns you and the love you felt. Turn that back into yourself and take your power back. Love yourself because that is where you will see the results that will take you on a journey to recovery! No/minimal contact and no peaking to see what is going on in their world. It is a dark and disordered world that you should never look back at. No/Minimal Contact! Greg