A Narcissist GROOMS their target into this abuse!



From my Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.


This abuse is just so incredulous that sometimes you have to describe very personal details to convey the real message behind the insanity of a Narcissist. When people hear your story they find it really hard to believe it and wonder why you would put up with a Narcissist’s behavior for so long. One of the key elements of this abuse is that everything is coupled with a term called ‘gas lighting’ whereby the Narcissist employs this tactic to reduce your cognitive ability to reason or make you out to seem ‘crazy’ or losing control of your own life. The truth of the matter is that the Narcissist is intentionally making you lose complete control of your reality so that you will become dependent on them as the center of your universe. How hideous a thought to consider that at one time our life was in the hands of a dangerous predator that meant to extort everything they could and harm us psychologically.


A Narcissist needs to project so many things onto and into their target to feel empowered and real, as well as deny their own darkness and destructive ways by transferring and dumping everything and anything toxic onto and into the target/victim. It is a confusing and tangled mess for the victim/target to discern reality from all of these mechanisms that are in place for the Narcissist to succeed at doing what they are doing – ABUSING TO GET AND KEEP SUPPLY!


At any given moment there are lies to cover up their delusional truths, manipulation to confound and confuse you, betrayal to hurt what you believe is real, back-stabbing to undermine your integrity, triangulation to destroy your immediate circle of friends and family, love-bombing to make you believe the Narcissist is true to you, blame and shame to make you believe you are the destructive force in this relationship, WITHHOLDING to condition you to react as the Narcissist wants you to, raging to make you fearful of your existence, hate to reduce you to feeling anguish, name calling or making fun of you and steal your self-esteem, projection to make you out to be the force behind the destruction and deny you any semblance of your own reality, silencing to invalidate your individualism, punishment to make you accept their way or be harmed as a consequence, smearing to destroy your complete integrity so the Narcissist can escape exposure, AND many more avenues that a disordered Narcissist will travel to abuse their target/victim. The question always arises as to whether a Narcissist KNOWS that they are this disordered and cognitive (conscious) of their actions or not. It doesn’t matter one way or the other because it is all born out of lies, manipulation, betrayal, and the whole nine yards. It is psychologically and emotionally abusive AND destructive to the person in a relationship with them and that in itself is all the definition we need. We must never allow this to be defined as just a personality disorder and give it credence and acceptability – IT IS A DESTRUCTIVE AND DEBILITATING ABUSE!


Psychological abuse is a grooming process whereby the abuser conditions or manages down the target/victim through subtle to extreme CONTROL. As I outlined above there are so many tactics that a Narcissist uses to do this so that every aspect of the target/victims conscious world is manipulated into dealing with JUST the abuse tactics and this diverts and warps a target/victims reality over time. It becomes a 24/7 or full time job as it concerns the target/victim dealing with so many mind games that are thrown their way. It literally causes their world to fall apart around them.


Conditioning challenges and changes behaviors and thus the abuser successfully changes or manipulates a person’s normal reality and transforms it into many different aspects of fear for the target/victim. Fear can be interpreted as many things with psychological abuse; fear that the target/victim BELIEVES they really have mental issues, fear of abandonment, fear of punishment, fear of loss, fear of rage, fear of destruction at the hands (or better yet the mouth) of a Narcissist, fear of being harmed, and fear of not being worthy of love AND life.


The grooming process puts the target/victim into a place of trust first where they are joined at the hip with their abuser. Clinically the Narcissist ‘love bombs’ the target/victim literally to death to create this strong emotional bond so they can easily achieve their agenda to pillage, extort and destroy their target/victims reality, mind and soul by gaining and manipulating their trust! It conditions the target/victim to value the Narcissist above themselves because the Narcissist successfully managed the target/victim down so they DON’T value themselves anymore and become dependent on them. It is a constant barrage utilizing a combination of manipulative and negative actions as well as the LACK of positive and supportive actions. It is also punishing the victim through silencing, raging, ignoring, putting them down and forcing them into complete compliance. The target/victim is forced to only consider what the Narcissist needs are, and the Narcissist NEVER considers a single need of the target/victim. Remember this is all connected to the emotional bond of love that the Narcissist ALSO manipulated the target/victim into believing.


The Narcissist disallows individualism in favor of their own agenda for complete compliance and adoration of themselves. Failure to do so will only lead to stronger attacks to comply or else. There is no reward for meeting the Narcissist’s needs because they will demand more and more. The target/victim is drained of their self-esteem and reality and the Narcissist will only go in for the kill with more dehumanizing, destruction and ‘smearing’ their target/victim and then abandoning them and moving on to abuse another. It is all sadistic to say the least!


With all of this in mind is there anything that is as equally insidious as far as what this abuse does to a good, loving, caring, and moral person that lives with empathy at the core of their reality. NO and I say this as a real survivor of this abuse that has lived within this destructive lifestyle and lived with what was a battle to regain my integrity and life back. This is not a simple matter of going into recovery, it is like learning to walk again, seeing the goodness once more that does exist in life, learning to trust people, rebuilding yourself financially, and basically starting over after being infected by a contagious, destructive, and diseased Narcissist. I have talked to many targets/victims that are many years past their abuse and still feeling frozen from the effects of this abuse, as well as targets/victims that just can’t escape this abuse because the psychological aspect is so deep rooted and they are looking for that ‘little miracle’ that will revive this relationship or change their Narcissist. Please understand that it will NEVER ever happen. The real miracle is your freedom from this abusive person and then gaining clarity back to see the real truth that THIS WAS ABUSE!


Recovery is many things but the goal is empowering yourself with enough of the truth AND education to desensitize the damage that was imposed on you by this Narcissist. From there your journey becomes repurposing yourself back into life after this disaster, and shoring up anything that may make you susceptible to future abuse (introspection), and creating boundaries to protect yourself. No it is not as easy as the words I wrote because it requires a strong will to get better along with education and time to heal completely – and most importantly forgetting everything about the Narcissist and not revisiting any of it to try to justify what you cannot. Recovery is about LIVING and LOVING yourself and then learning to have trust in the world again. You must put all of your energy into this healing and purge out ALL of the negative messages that this Narcissist used to disable you that took your self-esteem and life away from you. You deserve a good life and not a prison sentence from the Narcissist for the remainder of your life! DO THIS FOR YOU AND FOR YOUR FREEDOM! Understand that this was situational and you can reverse the effects of the abuse! You are amazing and resilient and deserve to feel alive again so tell yourself this every day! THEN use your voice so the world understands how destructive this abuse is to all people and share your story to help other victims. This abuse is NEVER singular and affects complete families including the biological children that were also abused. The abuse is not only confined to relationships, it happens in organizations, work places, in families (parental abuse), or anywhere a Narcissist is apparent. Our voices are important to get the truth out there to the rest of the world. No/minimal contact to start this journey to your recovery! Greg


Posted on April 21, 2016, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Thank you for your post.
    I have worked with a narcassistic Boss for a year. he groomed me into being his friend then the abuse started. it damaged me financially, emotionally and socially. it’s a sick behaviour with no regard for the victim however pretending that the best interest is in mind. He seeks to destroy you for his inflation, litteraly destroy in every way. they will NEVER change. I am still dealing with this psychologically.


  2. This really hits home among many other articles on the subject. All said and done the only way I was able to let go is because I was discarded when I discovered a secret and she attacked me physically and then called the cops on me. I was put in jail and am now going through a court case for something I didn’t do. I in my good fortune have a no contact order now. This is the only thing breaking the bond between us. I shamefully miss her and lover her still Even though I know the situation, it still seems hard to grasp narcissism.


  3. I read the article, and I went through the same experience with the narcissists in my life, and I ‘m a believer in God the Savior, and I say this, these people may get away with what they are doing to other people and fooling everyone, but they are not fooling God and that day will come when He will show and them and everyone in
    Whole world on judgement day of all the evil they did. So I pray now that God will strengthen me during my time of persecution until I’m able to gather enough finances to move away from the evil I endured for so long.


  4. I too, was abused by all the men in my life. It began w my dad through manipulation and sexual abuse, then boyfriends, a first husband addicted to cocain and my second controlled no/narcissistic sociopathic lying husband of 13 yrs. I truly thought he was my Prince Charming, but later after years of panic attacks, walking on egg shells and a roller coaster marriage of affairs and put downs, we were divorced because of me catching him in the last draw affair w his younger employee. Before I discovered this last affair, he manipulated me into thinking we should get a divorce bc we never had anything in common. I, subconsciously agreed and fell right into his brainwashing trap of taking control over the loneliness I was feeling. His employee was and is young enough to b my daughter. I then discovered and researched the abuse of narcissism. As I replay my life, I was groomed by Prince harming instead of charming. During and after my divorce, I became more and more knowledgeable of this disorder. I could actually be a therapist on the subject due to reading of soooo many links on this disorder.
    All I can say is that he is a piece of work and can’t believe I fell for all his fake bullshit. He is now producing the rerun w wife number 3. It’s so scary all the similarities. He took her to Ireland to get married and we previously traveled there, took her to our same honeymoon hotel, the same family hotel vacations, restaurants etc blah blah blah. His new victim is clueless. I tried to warn her, but she will learn the hard way as did the first wife and I. Through much internet investigation I found his first wife and she encouraged me to stay far, far and far away from him. He actually left their marriage too and she had to make him file. Hmmm he never revealed that info to me. Such a pathological liar he is and I can never, ever trust him w any words out of his mouth! Number 3 has done number 2 a huge favor and I can see what her future has in store, but her little young naive self will have to learn the hard way as number on and two did. People w these disorders don’t and won’t ever change! I’d love to b a fly on their wall because it would ALL be a rerun of what I lived with him. The roller coaster ride never stops where he is concerned. The little jabs here and little jabs there will eventually tear her down to no self worth or self esteem. My new life and new self is an amazing thing and I’m finally free to be MEEEEEEE!!!!


  5. I want to point out (as a warning) that a narcissist can use his “special abilities” to hide BIG problems, (maybe even criminal) but orchestrate it to avoid the blame himself. In my situation my husband was hiding his homosexuality behind being a christian husband father and minister (working with young men). After 27 years of his abuse I finally found out and he lost his position as the leader of his ministry. He used the same abusive tactics on everyone in both personal and professional spheres to carry on a double life. Of course he blames me and the kids for an unhappy family life, and blames his work colleagues for not supporting him enough, which has led to this.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I would like to ask for permission to include some of ANA’s writing in my upcoming memoir?


  7. There were so many abusers in my life. Experience with many things helps because you prove to yourself what you are made of. There is no substitution for experience of all kinds…even watching documentaries and reading great novels is good experience. Hate that narcissist? Go get that once-in-a-lifetime thrill…your ‘narc’ will seem a lot less threatening, even boring. They will become much smaller in your life.


  8. Greg, I just want to tell you how amazing your articles have been! So much of what you say resonates with me. I had no idea what I was trying to deal with until I started reading about this topic. I absolutely agree that educating yourself about your narcissist is paramount to recovery. Only then do you realise the importance of no contact, letting go, and not blaming yourself. Maintaining minimal contact has been my salvation, although very hard at times because he still gaslights even by text! It’s very tough having children together, because you can’t cut them out completely, but minimal contact can be done. I’d like to see you write about the ‘narc decoder’. It’s a very useful tool too…
    Thank you!


  9. Great post once again, Greg.So exactly that.


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