If I only try a little harder this relationship will work! No – it will NEVER work with a Narcissist!
From MY Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
We constantly struggle with the vision of that love in the back of our mind (the one that we were CONNED into believing,) to make the relationship work and make our Narcissist happy by working harder at the relationship. We are even asked (more like demanded by threats) to do things differently or do what this Narcissist wants but it only leads to more demands and making us sink deeper and deeper into this distorted and desperate love. We are even occasionally offered an ‘olive branch’ and an “I love you so much,” to achieve a cohesive peace but again it is not real AT ALL and the Narcissist cashes in on the lies and manipulation once again! But despite our intuition or the deep rooted sense that something is totally wrong with this relationship it still feels familiar to love because that is what we hold onto to alleviate the struggles and pain. We begin to feel increasingly unhappy because we are never having any of our needs met as well as totally confused and lost. The struggle to get this person to love and accept you is not working so you employ all kinds of tactics to try harder but to no avail. It is the vicious cycle of this abuse or the trap that keeps you running in circles until it ends and that end is always devastating and destructive because of the psychological damage that the Narcissist inflicted that kept this toxic relationship going. The Narcissist just closes the door and moves on to the next victim AND that basically defines a predator!
While you keep trying to hang onto this relationship you are only burying yourself deeper and deeper into the darkness and the void that defines a Narcissist. It is this daily struggle that is so unfulfilling and damaging, as well as makes you feel so unhappy and worthless. Beyond that there is going to be a huge eye opener with the full devaluation this creature is going to throw at you when your time is up with them. It is virtually impossible to love a Narcissist normally because you are only plugging yourself into their game of abuse as their PRESENT source of supply. They are literally using up every bit of your life and reaping all the benefits. You can’t love a Narcissist because they are invisible and all you are seeing is a projected image to con you completely.
A Narcissist can’t even see their real self and that is why they create all of these images/facades to compensate for everything they are NOT. They are completely empty and this is what they do to avoid seeing that real reflection of themselves in a mirror. They avoid it so totally that they will defend their false image and destroy you for making them accountable for what they really are. There is such a mystery to them and that in itself almost becomes an addiction because we thought we saw a flicker of real love, but there was none and we keep searching for it! BUT there is always that idea that ‘if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to create that authentic connection’ or revive it. Unfortunately it only kept us tied up in a relationship that really only revolved around basic functionality, but it always seemed to hold the unspoken promise of one day becoming a connection of unconditional love to us. The real message was that we had to keep changing and giving more to meet this creatures needs and unfortunately we listened to this and made it our goal. That is the addiction we get so caught up in and end up losing ourselves completely. Trying harder is not going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable and dead heart/soul because you are dealing with a void and not a person. The unfortunate consequence to this is that you will have to grieve this empty love just as if it were real. Unfortunately there is the psychological and emotional damage that disabled you and the destruction the Narcissist did to your integrity to escape exposure and put the blame on you! Your recovery will require many, many steps to actualize the entirety of this.
When it comes to understanding this love with a Narcissist, all we really had was a dream and a reflected image from this Narcissist of what we thought was love as well as based on what we all grew up believing was love. We have seen this love all around us and even experienced it and felt it before. This love was very strong and amazing in our mind and we superimposed that image right onto this Narcissist like he/she conned us into doing so AND they ‘played’ you/us like it was the real thing! Every little thing that they did to reinforce that ‘con’ ALSO enforced that ‘distorted truth’ we kept hanging onto as if it was real and part of that big dream we wanted or the love we believed in. This always kept us at that safe distance and blinded from what was really happening and away from all of the lies, betrayal, manipulation, and hate that was really right there in front of us. Believing in them kept the painful reality at bay. At some point we must see the truth and accept it completely – that – and it is impossible to love or be loved by the Narcissist. The real picture will unfortunately reveal itself and you will hear things that will make you feel sick to your stomach. You will question yourself in so many ways and beat yourself up over all of it. Why didn’t you see this coming, why did you keep trying and hanging onto this monster? You will feel defective and worthless and maybe even deserving of all of this! It is not answerable in any one given manner as far as applying the fault to yourself so don’t because it wasn’t your fault because nobody deserves to be abused. Let it go because that doesn’t help you achieve clarity, nor opens a door to recover from this toxic relationship. It only sends you deeper into this abuse by blaming yourself! Narcissists PLAY big time games and they are completely unavailable to ANYONE in this world – they are purely sadistic. The person you were before this was conned and the person you are now is still being conned by the ambient or leftover abuse and you MUST get away completely to achieve clarity and move on. In reality we all know it takes two to have a healthy relationship, and there were two in this relationship and one person was real, but unfortunately the other one pretended to be real because they had an agenda to make this real so they could use you and they were seamless with the game. START this journey to recovery and freedom with no/minimal contact! Greg