How and why does the Narcissist move on so QUICKLY?

 

 

From MY Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

 

One of the most important issues when trying to recover from Narcissistic abuse is our tendency to obsess about the abuser in our life. We tend to believe that while we are left holding all the dark and delusional energy from the relationship, our abuser escaped without any repercussions and with all the goods. We imagine the Narcissist to be off walking in the sunset with his/her new love while we are sitting at home suffering through depression, apathy, anger and horrific emotional pain, financial loss and psychological issues that they imposed on us. Remember they are still a Narcissist and I would rather recover from their abuse than be one of THEM! They don’t internalize love or bond with ANY other human being except to objectify them until they become bored with them and move on to the next! That is akin to being like one of ‘The Walking Dead’ on the many televisions shows that depict ZOMBIE themes.

 

If we really take the time to think about it, it is highly unlikely that our abuser is really having the happy life that they SAY they do. The clinical aspect of this abuse AND why the Narcissist acts out in the manner he/she does stems from a deep sense of inadequacy and low self-worth. The Narcissist is forced to get his/her feelings of well-being from external things or those (people) outside himself/herself. A Narcissist may temporarily experience the false illusion of perfection with another person because they HAVE to seek this attention/adulation out to survive, much like they once did with us, but AGAIN this is “temporary.”

 

If the Narcissist builds his/her self-image or good feelings about themselves based on how he/she is perceived by others, it is only a matter of time before the “love spell” is broken AGAIN just like it was with us. Remember there are no internal mechanisms so everything is based on external images that the Narcissist sees/uses as their own reflection of perfection. You need the mix of the healthy internal mechanisms of love, empathy, compassion, as well as the harmony/co-existence WITH the external world to live in reality and to grow with another person.

 

Sooner or later his/her new love will have issues or complaints with the relationship because a Narcissist can’t survive with JUST ONE SOURCE OF SUPPLY. Also a Narcissist does not allow individuality and face it this always becomes an issue because we were born to co-exist and not serve or be a source of supply to someone. Once the new love starts needing some sort of reciprocation in the relationship or for the Narcissist to validate their existence and support their goals/plans, etc. in the relationship the devaluation will begin. A Narcissist can’t and won’t allow the slightest deviation from their projected image of perfection so EVERYONE will be devalued and discarded just because we have our own mind and personality. There is never growth that allows another person individuality or to be a part of a real relationship.

 

So with all of that in mind, there is never a ‘new healthy relationship’ with a Narcissist so don’t obsess about this and remember that things are not always as they appear especially with this Narcissist that has lied to you/us every moment that they were breathing. We are not the exception to the rule that drove this person (the Narcissist) to abuse us NOR did they suddenly change overnight and become healthy with a new ‘love’. Think about the unconditional love and support that you gave to this person (the Narcissist,) and who would reject/destroy this love but a highly disordered person. This was all a huge con job starting from the very first day we met them because we were a new shiny toy for them to play with.

 

What you see or imagine about this ‘new relationship’ is likely a fantasy that you have created in your own mind that the Narcissist has reinforced with more lies and illusions to keep you under their control and keep you feeling vulnerable and hurt. It heightens their image of themselves to manipulate you even more after the fact (discard) so they can prove to you and the world that they are just that amazing and you (we) are obsessed, scorned or can’t move on without them. Guess what – we can and I have and this place I am at is wonderful and how it is meant to be.

 

Changing this fantasy means taking back the power and controlling your thoughts to change what you tell yourself because you now know the truth, right? When we live our lives in dysfunction there is always black and white thinking. We are either all good or all bad and guess who is controlling all of this – YUP the Narcissist. There are no shades of gray where a Narcissist is involved and we somehow lose the ability to believe in ourselves as we once did. In time you will be seeing every color of the rainbow in your head like you once did.

 

When the Narcissist projects all of these images that we are too blame, it is our problem, always our fault, etc., we somehow assume ‘shame’ as if we ARE the bad one and they in turn become the good one. Again that is just our emotions that are invested in what we believed was love and not anything near the truth! We try to fix each and every one of their delusional attacks on our integrity as if we did something/anything to deserve this – just an outcome of their daily managing down and brain-washing. This destroys our self-worth and we feel so much worse because we have somehow lost everything that we believed was good about ourselves. We are under the illusion that our good has been taken away, conned out of us, stolen from us, kidnapped, or whatever because we believed in love AND WERE DUPED. But this is far from the truth of what is happening.

 

You felt worthy and loveable once. So what happened? We gave the Narcissist the power to validate us because we became emotionally attached thinking we would grow as two normal people do in a relationship. When we give someone else the power to validate our worthiness, we also give them the power to invalidate us. Now you MUST empower yourself with the truth that you were manipulated, brainwashed, lied to, dehumanized, betrayed, and so many other things by a sadistic and not fully functioning human being. The person that did this to you was a personality disordered person that abused you – this was abuse – this was NOT your fault – again, THIS WAS ABUSE! No/minimal contact! Greg

Posted on April 15, 2016, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 31 Comments.

  1. This is great! And this is the absolute truth. I paid my dues to this behaviour for 3 exhausting years. I gave up life, job, friends and family to make him happy. I was forced to move out of our home so he could have his new fix. After learning they had been seeing each other the last year we were together. Also the messages I received from her after she has caught him in lies…..my response of course…not my monkeys not my circus. My adjustment to my new life has been great. At first it was like a death. Deep depression, anxiety…feeling worthless and lost. Like I could never live without him. One day it hit me and I was like…i don’t feel this pain no more.
    I feel better…peaceful. it eventually goes away. You have to just cut them off completely. COMPLETELY!!!!!!! if ive learned anything its to pray for dark souls like them. I will never romantisice a break up….literally it was lime a death to me. And honestly it’s like I never knew him.

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  2. Hi Greg,
    Kym here.. I think I was with a Narcissists and after 2 years of constant struggle with him and his drinking I decided to walk away… this man has done the unthinkable and even have left me w/ debt and taken money from an account we opened together ( to supposedly start our future).. I am distraught! It’s been three wks now and I have him block (No Contact) and he hasn’t looked for me as if I was the worst person he has dealt with ( when all I did was help him.. and in return he verbally abused me, physically abused me and financially abused me…) I feel betrayed and used.. I have no words for how I am feeling now.. I should be relieved but I’m not I’m angry and sad.. that I permitted this for so long and should of walked away sooner… I with honesty still have hope that the therapy he was talking will work… but after all I’ve been through tans how he has repaid me.. I feel like a batterer woman… and I’m way far from that… I’m just numb!

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  3. Thank you

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  4. I love your post and I have a few questions for you . My ex narc would constantly have to be in a bar when I was at work and left him alone he now with a new woman and says she never leaves him so they go to bars together ( my fault for having a job) my question is will they last and will she be happy?

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  5. Wow! I so needed this one! Thanks so much! 3 mos NC. This relationship was a NIGHTMARE!

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  6. Greg,
    You hur the nail in the head. I have been SO depressed that after just 5 weeks after he dumped me for not trusting him enough to re marry him (after he left me 6x in one year) He is now married to someone he met after two weeks!! OMG she will need my number to wonder how I created such a train wreck of a man after just two years of knowing him.( of corse it’s my fault) what a sad way to live manipulating and presenting a false image every day. It must get old for them but then again they have done it for YEARS. This guy is mid life. He didn’t start this game two years ago!!!
    I feel sorry for this woman when she sees his true colors. Nothing he said or did was really him. Thanks Greg for helping me remember this was NEVER about ME.

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  7. Thank you for this article! For few days now, I had discovered the man I used to have relationship with and now my ex. Had been selling me a lie and taking advantage of my heart. The patterns I had picked up on all along was right. He was seeing the woman on fb. Nevertheless while I felt dump for not being real with myself. I learned that I am a empathe and he is a narcissist. That combination is the cause of the feeling of me being sick dry. Now that I discovered this all, he has moved on so quickly making it seem like something is wrong with me. He lied and cheated. I regret not walking twice when I wanted too but I know now it was never my fault to begin with regarding who he has become.

    Thank you I’m in recovery now, so finally I have set my boundaries so that I can move on….

    Thank you!

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  8. Melody baggett

    There should be something that we can do about these sick individual how they treat people .i knew there was something wrong with this person I had to go to counseling to find out if I was the crazy one .i can’t believe I put up with his nonsense for over 5 years

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  9. i recently got divorced after 11 years of being with my ex husband. He bought me out of my share of the house I moved out in December and by February he moved another woman into the house so quickly. I just feel like I never existed to him the way he discarded me with so little if no feeling at all. The worst was getting served divorce papers and him flying to Hawaii the next day. I just feel like I spent so many years of my life for him and when I was finally sticking up for myself he discarded me.

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  10. Good article. I just left one that almost destroy ed my life. I had just lost both my parents…one to a heart attack..the other to suicide..and he honed right in. I had been friends since teenagers with this individual and thought i was safe. Noone is safe. He left my life a mess…which was already a mess. The lack of feeling that these individuals have astounds me. I liked this article..especially the end where it says that we have been abused. That is a hard pill to swallow..especially when i sustained a loss of that magnitude right before. Im not sure how i am getting through this..but accepting what happened ..being angry..and moving on seems to be the answer. God bless.

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  11. I just got away from my narcissist ex boyfriend who I was with for 3 years in all that time I tried 2 help him as he was drinking way 2 much and had issues from childhood..he made me feel sorry for him and I kept forgiving his behavior he smashed my kitchen up dumped my cat who I never found and yet I still felt sorry 4 him..until 1 day I realised what he was doing making me out as the crazy 1 because I started drinking more 2 deal with what was happening in my life..then I finally said enough and he went 2 stay with a friend who after a few months beat him up because he assaulted his daughter..he tried coming back 2 me but I said no and I wud ring the police if he didn’t leave..I avent heard from him now 4 nearly 2 weeks but heard from a friend he’s in another relationship..I feel for her..

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  12. I needed to hear this…..again…..after 7 years and he up and left….like no big deal…..I’ve been depressed and have just felt awful…..I know he has just moved on and I just can’t figure it out….but I guess I don’t need to. I’m just ready for the pain to be gone. It’s been 5 weeks……please tell me it goes away soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You deserve the world. You deserve to be loved….made to feel beautiful because guess what? Narcissists dont pick low quality people to ruin. They choose wonderful..caring and giving people to destroy. So feel good about yourself…the way you used to. Much love.

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    • My husband left me 8 months ago & I am still addicted to him. I still haven’t figured out how to “let go”. He abandoned me & my girls, lied,cheated,got loans I knew nothing about, moved us to a home in a different town to discard us 1 week later. Everything in his name,him no turning back, me calling/texting repeatedly to see what went wrong to landing myself with a 1 year restraining order. So far, I have discovered 8 affairs. We were together 6 years & didn’t make it to our 1 year wedding anniversary & I’m still wanting him back. What is wrong with me?

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  13. This was an amazing post as it said everything I’m feeling and thinking…it made me see the reality and given me a better insight to what I already knew but kept doubting..

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  14. One of the best I’ve read…Thanks Greg

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  15. In January it will be 2 years after 32 years of marriage my husband went ghost. Lately with the awareness of the upcoming anniversary of his departure I find myself wondering about him & his new fuel. Is all what he presenting to her sincere & true. Why not me, why couldn’t he be faithful to me. I recently realized that he never really was. I just find my thoughts pondering what if & why, you answered many of my questions,
    thank you.
    Great blog.

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  16. Hi I just finish a two year relationship with my boyfriend, he was very emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. I had left and come back many times until two months ago he had symptoms ofa heart attack, he was hospitalized and we where waiting to see if he was gong to need a by pass. I was there to support him by being by his side, getting him anything he needed,took his 16 years old daughter back and forth to the hospital. I did this every day after a long day at work. He was fed up of being at the hospital and stressed to know he was having heart problems. So he had becomed very irritatable and very angry with his situation to the point that he became really bossy and at times very mean to me. Nothing that I did or said was enough, and when I tried to encourage him about how he will get through this and how he was going to have to make some healthy changes in his life he will snap at me and tell me that if that was going to happen I was not allowed to live with him anymore, that really hurt me because I was not trying to be mean I was only trying g to encourage him. I told him how much that hurts me and he will say I was stressing him out and that maybe I should leave the hospital because he didn’t need me bitching about everything and he didn’t need my stress, so I grabbed my things and left the hospital. He will call me bitch and Cunt and to drop dead. That I was a cold dis functional woman and that I did t deserve ever to be loved since I just left hIm alone at the hospital where he nearly died, according to him and after a month after his surgery, he emailed me on my bday, and call me the same names I mentioned above, and after two months he is already posting pictures of his new girlfriend at a bar. So much for being sick, here I am feeling guilty about everything that happened and wondering if I did the right thing by me leaving him at the hospital after calling me every name in the book. Tell me who anyone would put up with abuse, he has blamed me for everything, he did the same with his other ex’s too. I am angry and frustrated because I am having lots and lots of troubles believing that walking away from abuse was ok.

    I have tried many things to help me emotionally but I cannot seem to get him off my mind 😢

    Even though

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  17. This abuse has left me destroyed.

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  18. Hi Ana:
    How are you? Do you really believe that they don’t love the new person? I was discarded after twenty-five years for this new person ( a real train wreck) that he feels is better than.. I know you have said numerous times they can’t love and the new person will get the same treatment in time that i got (lies, cheating, affairs, discard).. It’s that who in their right mind can leave someone else after so many years for another woman, that doesn’t even have a job. and act like i never existed….Very hard to accept when you still love the person. Do you think she will get devauled and discarded at some point? And what are your thoughts on Karma. And do you think Narcissists ever come back to old supply? Thank you so much, Mimi

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  19. Thank you so much. Everything in this blog is right on and helping me recover from a marriage to a narcissist and 3 year relationship with an even higher level narcissist. I pray for all victims/narc supply ppl. It’s a disorder I never new about until age 46. I wish more people were aware of the traits so these toxic ppl couple be exposed and hurt fewer people.

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  20. The more i read is the more i learn about the that promised to love me and make me happy turned out be a horror story revolving around me and my family.Iam so happy i came across this blog a real eye opener.THANK YOU

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  21. That was very helpful thank you!

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  22. Lightbulb moment

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Is there any way to discuss how narcissism ‘evolves?’ I have read that it starts when a child does not properly ‘unfuse’ from his/ her parents. What does that mean, and why does it spell out such an uncontrollable and ‘unfixable’ disorder in a human being?

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    • Babs, I’ve done a lot of reading in order to understand my wife better. One theory says that some children are emotionally stunted because they experience feelings of abandonment at a young age when their personality is still developing. My wife’s parents divorced when she was very young and she has mentioned how difficult her childhood was because of that. I always had the feeling that I was a “whipping boy” for her negative energy and unresolved conflicts. The disorder becomes “unfixable” because NPD people usually don’t believe there is anything wrong with them; that would be too much of an assault on how they see themselves. Believe me, I didn’t want to accept this about my wife but after banging my head against a wall for years, I am forced to accept it.

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  24. Your work is brilliant.. Can you please please explore how we deal with things when children are involved and the female nark has possession.. it is not possible to leave them and recover and also one sees the effect, most painfully, it is having on ones child and can DO NOTHING. I ended in an asylum because of my long relations ship with this disjointed person .. Am still recovering. Thanks

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Hi ana,

    I love your blog and it came into my life just at the right time. Is this book available in high street book stores in the UK?

    Many thanks Sarah

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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  26. Everything I have read on your blog is exactly what I experienced. I’m still in a fog. I still feel numb. It hurts.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Dear Anonymous, I HEAR you! I understand completely. I lived it for 36 yrs before it all came to light (his secret life)-40 at this time. Everything I read HIT HOME (to my intellect) that was a mind bender alone! My Heart wanted to believe there was hope no matter what- but when the 2 came together in recognition I almost came apart. Thank Heaven my spirituality remained or I could have completely broken. It takes along time to get out of the Hell & remember WHO YOU were before u met this person… Believe it or not-if u keep learning (it IS written in concrete), pull yourself back to THAT understanding anytime u feel unsure-The Fog will disapate-clarity WILL come- u WILL feel Reborn and see and Recognize what u never saw before. If I can do it knowing my WHOLE life was a Sham & survive. I promise u can too. Prayers for u- and ALL of us who’ve been there-done that-still working on our own healing everyday! We can & will change. These unfortunate souls will sadly be lost and only be able to b comfortable in whatever illusion they must create just to Excist. We will LIVE😅😀😀😀

      Like

  1. Pingback: How and why does the Narcissist move on so QUICKLY? – abusivedanni

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