How and why does the Narcissist move on so QUICKLY?
From MY Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
One of the most important issues when trying to recover from Narcissistic abuse is our tendency to obsess about the abuser in our life. We tend to believe that while we are left holding all the dark and delusional energy from the relationship, our abuser escaped without any repercussions and with all the goods. We imagine the Narcissist to be off walking in the sunset with his/her new love while we are sitting at home suffering through depression, apathy, anger and horrific emotional pain, financial loss and psychological issues that they imposed on us. Remember they are still a Narcissist and I would rather recover from their abuse than be one of THEM! They don’t internalize love or bond with ANY other human being except to objectify them until they become bored with them and move on to the next! That is akin to being like one of ‘The Walking Dead’ on the many televisions shows that depict ZOMBIE themes.
If we really take the time to think about it, it is highly unlikely that our abuser is really having the happy life that they SAY they do. The clinical aspect of this abuse AND why the Narcissist acts out in the manner he/she does stems from a deep sense of inadequacy and low self-worth. The Narcissist is forced to get his/her feelings of well-being from external things or those (people) outside himself/herself. A Narcissist may temporarily experience the false illusion of perfection with another person because they HAVE to seek this attention/adulation out to survive, much like they once did with us, but AGAIN this is “temporary.”
If the Narcissist builds his/her self-image or good feelings about themselves based on how he/she is perceived by others, it is only a matter of time before the “love spell” is broken AGAIN just like it was with us. Remember there are no internal mechanisms so everything is based on external images that the Narcissist sees/uses as their own reflection of perfection. You need the mix of the healthy internal mechanisms of love, empathy, compassion, as well as the harmony/co-existence WITH the external world to live in reality and to grow with another person.
Sooner or later his/her new love will have issues or complaints with the relationship because a Narcissist can’t survive with JUST ONE SOURCE OF SUPPLY. Also a Narcissist does not allow individuality and face it this always becomes an issue because we were born to co-exist and not serve or be a source of supply to someone. Once the new love starts needing some sort of reciprocation in the relationship or for the Narcissist to validate their existence and support their goals/plans, etc. in the relationship the devaluation will begin. A Narcissist can’t and won’t allow the slightest deviation from their projected image of perfection so EVERYONE will be devalued and discarded just because we have our own mind and personality. There is never growth that allows another person individuality or to be a part of a real relationship.
So with all of that in mind, there is never a ‘new healthy relationship’ with a Narcissist so don’t obsess about this and remember that things are not always as they appear especially with this Narcissist that has lied to you/us every moment that they were breathing. We are not the exception to the rule that drove this person (the Narcissist) to abuse us NOR did they suddenly change overnight and become healthy with a new ‘love’. Think about the unconditional love and support that you gave to this person (the Narcissist,) and who would reject/destroy this love but a highly disordered person. This was all a huge con job starting from the very first day we met them because we were a new shiny toy for them to play with.
What you see or imagine about this ‘new relationship’ is likely a fantasy that you have created in your own mind that the Narcissist has reinforced with more lies and illusions to keep you under their control and keep you feeling vulnerable and hurt. It heightens their image of themselves to manipulate you even more after the fact (discard) so they can prove to you and the world that they are just that amazing and you (we) are obsessed, scorned or can’t move on without them. Guess what – we can and I have and this place I am at is wonderful and how it is meant to be.
Changing this fantasy means taking back the power and controlling your thoughts to change what you tell yourself because you now know the truth, right? When we live our lives in dysfunction there is always black and white thinking. We are either all good or all bad and guess who is controlling all of this – YUP the Narcissist. There are no shades of gray where a Narcissist is involved and we somehow lose the ability to believe in ourselves as we once did. In time you will be seeing every color of the rainbow in your head like you once did.
When the Narcissist projects all of these images that we are too blame, it is our problem, always our fault, etc., we somehow assume ‘shame’ as if we ARE the bad one and they in turn become the good one. Again that is just our emotions that are invested in what we believed was love and not anything near the truth! We try to fix each and every one of their delusional attacks on our integrity as if we did something/anything to deserve this – just an outcome of their daily managing down and brain-washing. This destroys our self-worth and we feel so much worse because we have somehow lost everything that we believed was good about ourselves. We are under the illusion that our good has been taken away, conned out of us, stolen from us, kidnapped, or whatever because we believed in love AND WERE DUPED. But this is far from the truth of what is happening.
You felt worthy and loveable once. So what happened? We gave the Narcissist the power to validate us because we became emotionally attached thinking we would grow as two normal people do in a relationship. When we give someone else the power to validate our worthiness, we also give them the power to invalidate us. Now you MUST empower yourself with the truth that you were manipulated, brainwashed, lied to, dehumanized, betrayed, and so many other things by a sadistic and not fully functioning human being. The person that did this to you was a personality disordered person that abused you – this was abuse – this was NOT your fault – again, THIS WAS ABUSE! No/minimal contact! Greg