From MY Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
The truth comes from the lies!
You can’t get over this relationship and move yourself away from the hold this Narcissist that is, OR was in your life has on your mind! So in turn YOU try to work it out in your head and heart. You keep reaching back into the past searching for something or anything to understand this. Are you searching for answers to so many confusing questions? Probably a resounding YES, but there really is NOBODY there to answer those questions – BUT there are many messages in your head, so you turn to justifying most everything to resolve what only amounts to abuse. But the reality of the situation that this IS abuse never seems to agree with your heart, emotions, and empathy to form some sort of cohesive agreement or middle ground so you are left with a horrendous burden to shake this off!
You ask yourself HOW can someone you showed so much love, turn around and abuse that love. You also ask yourself WHY would a person con you into believing they loved you do such a horrendous thing so they could extort your life through this fictitious love. You ask yourself how you didn’t see all of this and you question your sanity because you feel that you ALLOWED this to happen. You then start questioning the very things that this Narcissist accused you of and perhaps believing that you do have issues! You question this, that and everything! You question yourself for no viable reason other than trying to reach some sort of understanding EVEN though you now know the truth. But there is no other answer than the truth and that my friend is just way too difficult to accept.
Where do the answers to your self-questioning come from? Basically from the experience and the REAL truth of being in a relationship with a Narcissist – and as odd as this sounds that is where you have to find your closure – or with the truth. So to start, you have to conceptualize that EVERYTHING WAS A LIE. Not almost everything, but EVERYTHING from ‘I love you’ to ‘I hate you, you are mentally ill, your friends hate you, your family hates you, the world hates you, etc.!’ Don’t forget all the other day to day lies, the lies about the affairs, the lies about STUPID stuff, the lies about accountability, the lies about other lies, etc. All of these messages that the Narcissist was basically downloading into your head is all part of their delusional disorder based on LIES that they used to manage you down, gain power over you, and to control you. So when you refer back to these messages they put in your head and RELATE to them to try to resolve ANY of this, you are only listening to the same delusional lies that got you into this abusive relationship that is now still convincing you that you are to blame, everything bad, and YOU have to accept responsibility here for the demise of this relationship. Those messages were designed to debilitate you and they have – so replaying any of them will still keep you in right in the abuse.
As convincing as the Narcissist in your life was about their love for you it had absolutely NOTHING to do with love. Every single action employed by the Narcissist stems from a pathological need to control others. In order to prove your love to a Narcissist, you had to surrender your identity and all of your power and control to them. You handover your life when you handed them your heart. The Narcissist knew that if they attacked your heart then they had you where they wanted you. You became a slave to them and your only purpose was to enhance the Narcissist’s false image, take care of their every need, and accept their self-serving abuse. The cage they used to keep you captive were all of those lies – the POSITIVE endearing I love you lies and the disabling ones that managed you down every day to control you and eventually destroy you. Of course the package is never presented to us in this manner – instead the Narcissist employs extreme manipulation to con you into trusting them implicitly with THREE very thoughtful and well placed and deceptive words – ‘I Love You!’ They were lies and if I can get you to understand anything it is just this – they don’t love, like, care or bond – they use people to get what they need! The thing that hurts the most (the truth) is the very thing that will move you forward to recovery – please start with no/minimal contact! Greg