From MY Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
We must imprint this message in our minds that at the core of the Narcissist’s psychopathy is a mindset governed by their grandiosity, lack of empathy for others, and a grand sense of entitlement and superiority that places them above laws and morality. The Narcissist grossly overestimates their abilities and accomplishments and underestimates the complete being of their target/victim. Simply put, the Narcissist should be able to do anything they wish, however harmful and destructive, because the Narcissist is better than others. In the Narcissist’s mind, by making us a part of their wonderful life by the mere association with them, he/she passes on to us this grandiosity as if they are royalty and that is our reward. It is ridiculous and repulsive that they can believe this nonsense and more akin to pompousness and arrogance.
It is hard if not impossible to fully wrap our heads around the outlandish behavior of a Narcissist or their psychopathic mindset so we really shouldn’t try to as it relates to and describes our abuse. We are normal people that love and possess empathy so we could NEVER understand the mind of this creature. Narcissists believe the truth they create at the moment they need it to provide them with new opportunities – there is no rhyme or reason to it. I believe they even have their own language and it is delusional at its basis and only ‘doubletalk’ to meet their agenda to extort other people’s lives. The only standards a Narcissist has is DOUBLE standards!
They are only seducers that use their ‘word scripts’ to extort life and people. If I had to interpret some of their words, it would go like this:
- “I love you” means “I want something to give me a ‘high’ at this very moment like a drug addict taking a hit from their favorite drug.”
- “I would NEVER intentionally hurt you” literally translates to “Watch your back because I can’t be trusted as far as I can be thrown, so I am gathering up all the information I can to smear you, back-stab you and WOUND you so you learn to fear my wrath!”
- “You love me and you know it” translates to “You WILL forgo any and all of your needs and bend to my will and ALL of MY needs.”
- “Trust me” means “Tell me what I want to know so I can use it to get what I want as well as use it against you when I have to.”
- “You are the love of my life,” translates into “You are just the next one of a long, list or sequence of targets/victims that will be used and abused.”
- “Mutual monogamy or fidelity” means “you WILL be faithful to me while I cheat on you.”
- “Betrayal” in the Narcissist’s mind is defined and justified with this – “How dare you disapprove of something/anything I did or said. You broke the law, didn’t follow ALL of my rules and you disobeyed ME. I will show you what happens AND you must and will be punished.”
- “Mutual commitment” translates into “Everything in your life revolves around me and me alone, BUT I will do exactly what I want.”
- “Honesty” never means the truth “It is me (Narcissist) saying whatever gets me what I want at the moment.”
- “I miss you SO MUCH” means “I miss the function you play in my life as supply, but there are plenty of other objects I can play with when I need MORE and better supply.
- “I love you like no other and we ARE soul mates” means “I’ll give you attention, flattery, gifts, and ‘love bomb’ you to death only until I hook you emotionally and gain your trust, AND can extort everything I can from you and your life, and then I am out of here.”
- For the supply on the side “My wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend doesn’t really love me or satisfy me” really interprets to ‘Neither will you, in a few weeks or months, at most and I will toss you aside too AND also blame you like I did them.”
- “We are MEANT to be together forever” means “ABIDE by my rules because I own you completely while I remain free to do as I please.”
- “We can and will work this out.” means “But it is NEVER my fault. If I did something you believe is harmful, you are over-reacting OR it’s because your services weren’t good enough for me.”
All of these things were the very things my Narcissist said to me and the real definitions were the reality of the situation once I moved on and learned the real truth. Every word, phrase or statement of the Narcissist’s so-called “truth” is only said in the moment or momentary and always contingent upon their immediate gratification and convenience. All their efforts, no matter what only represent an investment designed to satisfy the Narcissists immediate wishes and desires. Their feelings are shallow, so is the value of their ‘truth’s’ that they are always waving in our face. The best thing to do when they make one of their famous proclamations is to always add “for now” to the end of their declarations. There is no passion and they are by far never grounded with any caring emotions, empathy or love AND NEVER A COMMITMENT! They may pretend to love you FOR the moment but once they are not physically in your presence they will be pursuing another source of supply or chasing after some new and temporary pleasure!
None of this is said in a manner to beat a Narcissist with a stick, this is the truth of how disordered they are AND the truth we must know through educating ourselves so we can move forward. If I were to read this without the experience I have gained from being in this type of abusive relationship, I would think it was fiction. But seriously these creatures are driven by their sadistic desires and consumed with envy and contempt for humanity.
We have to educate ourselves about this disorder for sure. We must purge all of our emotions that we felt were real out of us and straight into the garbage can. We must get angry, grieve, yell, scream and maybe even eat a couple gallons of ice cream. Basically there is a process to recovery that shouldn’t be slighted by my dry sense of humor because the damage/destruction is very real and devastating. BUT we must also realize at some point it is time to move forward without putting any relevance into the life we once had with this abuser. We MUST start out on this journey with no contact and adhere to it completely, and that is the reality of what worked for me. Minimal contact in the case of children, divorce, etc., but we must make our mind adhere to the reality of the situation that there was no love, care, bond or better yet NO REALITY with them at all!
After we are healthy we must force closure on our own and realize that it is a desperate and failed relationship that we could never even remotely come near to fixing. We can’t get into their delusions and apply them to our way of normal thinking or trying to figure them out. Our energy needs to be turned around and poured into us and FULL TIME! So again, with all of this in mind it most certainly sends a strong and viable message that EVERYTHING was one big lie. So we have to stop traveling back to the past to re-think any of our personal thoughts about ‘why’ over and over again. We must grieve the emotions of love that we were tricked into believing were real as well – as awful as that is to comprehend. It is futile to believe anything but the reality that they used and abused us and even tried to destroy us to cover up the truth. Greg