From MY Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
How did you/we confuse LOVE with ABUSE? Knowledge is power with recovery!
What gets you/us there? The simple and REAL answer the false connection or ‘con bond’ that this Narcissist created in the beginning. The one where you bonded with them and trusted them. More than likely you believed it is/was a real relationship and you LOVE them – but in any case your emotions and heart were/are basically ruling and clouding your mind. The TRUTH – slowly but surely the Narcissist was tempering your emotions and love to disable you completely so they could control YOU to get the supply they need so desperately. It is really very mechanical but they were so good at seducing you/us with the love bombing so they can groom you as a main source of supply. This is a person that you explicitly trust AND they care about or love you too (or so you believed) so you put yourself into a place of love that comes natural to normal people and with that in mind you worked hard to always resolve any issues so that you could continue with this amazing relationship. You believe that they will reciprocate in a healthy manner because they do care/love you, but unfortunately you were totally blind to the truth so you fall into the trap and it becomes a dysfunctional habit. The problem isn’t with you – it is with the abuser that used you in the controlling manner that they did.
This confusion will blind you to the many other aspects of their abuse and the Narcissist walks all over your heart and imprisons your mind in the process. This is CONTROL and it will get worse over time and be more of a daily emotional beating meant to harm you AND disable you completely. The WHY to all of this is because a Narcissist is severely defective and basically loathes people and life so they have to destroy the goodness that exists in us to justify their miserable existence. They wear a false mask to cover up the truth – but the mask cannot completely hide their reality even from themselves? What kind of human could take another human to this place and WHY?
You ARE the normal person here but you find yourself explaining things like the reality of your feelings, or your need for cohesiveness but you are talking to a stone as far as getting through to a Narcissist. You are basically telling the Narcissist that they are winning at their extreme manipulation by participating because that is what they want. There is no such thing as empathy, feelings, or being nice with a Narcissist. Big red flag here because adults do not need to be taught how to play nice! Usually it is a five year old that needs a playground monitor and that is what you are dealing with – a five year old liar as well as a delusional bully in an adult body that will NEVER change these sadistic behaviors.
People that are normal and have empathy and integrity in their world always attempt to find or see the good in another person. Seriously you are not the first person that has probably dealt with this creature or has attempted to see the good in them. There is a trail of their destruction that goes way back, but unfortunately you are NOT privy to any of that information. You always find yourself thinking that if you could reach them, make them understand your confusion and hurt that maybe they will stop doing what they are doing! BUT they never will and you get totally lost in the process. A person’s actions definitely define them. Physical abusers use physical actions to physically hurt/abuse people. Emotional and psychological abusers (like Narcissists) use their words to hurt/abuse you. With a Narcissist they conned you by pretending to be this decent and caring person when they FIRST meet you, luring you into the abuse with their magnanimous charm and strong integrity but in time their words are like a punch to your brain and a knife to your heart.
Try as you may to bring resolution to any concern by working through it and you will find yourself spinning your wheels because you will be re-hashing your concern over and over again. They want you to stay in this maze of confusion. They will ignore your every word in favor of crushing your thoughts once again as if your words do not even exist. They want you to reengage to inflict more confusion and damage. They will only repeat the same delusional comments from the original argument and using all of the same words and the same garbage they already threw out at you. They totally ignore any legitimate arguments you may have provided and you are up against a stone wall. NOTHING will ever be resolved unless it is on THEIR terms and that basically involves disabling you and breaking your spirit. With a Narcissist the exact same issues will come up over and over again!
After years of this abuse you are a shell of a person that is only surviving in this abusive game that a Narcissist inflicts on you and it is hard to get out of it. People can and will say we were weak and allowed this, but there was an agenda that tricked us into this position and that was psychological abuse. So for the record let’s just say that the Narcissist is a predator that is in this to control, subjugate, abuse and destroy! It is very real and you can never understand it unless you are a target/victim of this abuse and trapped in it. I am not a weak person, nor was I ever subjected to psychological abuse by another human that I only treated with respect and love, so I suppose I failed as far as it concerns that. But if I was given the opportunity of a fair ‘battle ground,’ one in which I was aware that I was being attacked I am sure I would have fared out much better. I didn’t lose a battle, I survived an attack!
Even accountability as far as it concerns what they may have done to you, be it a huge lie, an affair or whatever will only end up at a dead end too. Whatever they may have done to you was done with intent no matter how it may have hurt you AND they just don’t care and feel justified in their actions. There is no real relationship or love as far as the Narcissist is concerned. They live in a perverted and out of control world and take whatever they can from people with NO CONCERN to the harm they inflict on anybody else. AGAIN WE MUST UNDERSTAND that there is no real relationship with them! We BELIEVE there is BUT we are all just taking our turn as supply and even though we are their PRIMARY source that still doesn’t mean that it is real by any means. They probably have other relationships or supply on the side that we absolutely have no sense of. These are very dysfunctional individuals that grab at any opportunity to serve themselves. Our primary role is to serve them 24/7 as well as accept their EVERY indiscretion to find other supply and to accept the blame because you/we are not serving them COMPLETELY. To sum it up a Narcissist is not a fully functioning human being and they cannot bond with other human beings, but they need them and use them like an object to serve their many needs. You must understand this completely to break the bond you have formed with them or it will lead you right back into the abuse until you do. No/minimal contact! Greg ❤