From MY Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
You CAN’T go backwards and return to the Narcissist AND the ABUSE! Just say NO!
Despite the relentless abuse, rage episodes, mind games, projection, gaslighting and demoralization, SOMEHOW we believe we are still in love with these Narcissists on some level and possibly feel we will always love them. These messages and the ambient effects of this abuse continuously play behind all of our attempts to reach closure and YES through our recovery. This is part of recovery and we must live it! This attitude or thought process is evidence of how the emotionally abusive Narcissist brainwashes or programs their targets to keep believing in them – that was the huge con, love bombing, or whatever we call this horrendous manipulation they tricked us into believing that somehow keeps us bonded to them. It is akin to an addiction, and our addiction is to the drug of our choice and that is this Narcissist. A drug alters our mind when we ingest it, and brainwashing and programming/conditioning from a Narcissist ALSO alters our mind when we ingest and internalize their messages. Like an addict that will continually justify their returning to the drug of choice EVEN though it is damaging their mind and life and is basically destroying them – it is the addiction message that keeps the addict going back. That message is also in us and what causes us to relapse. The message has altered our mind to believe in the Narcissist against all of the odds and the REAL truth that they are bad for us. In time with education and support we will deprogram this message and be desensitized to it. But we have to always be cognizant of the fact that the abuse message is in our subconscious and destroy it so it doesn’t start replaying itself or we will fall backwards into the abuse pattern again. Along with this we need to do some very deep introspection to heal many broken parts so that we are not disabled by the abuse for the entirety of our life with trust factors, traumatization, depression, anxiety, and isolating ourselves from the world.
It is a fact of life that it takes time to grieve the loss of a significant relationship and that includes normal and ABNORMAL ones. No matter how abusive your Narcissist is/was, you still need to mourn the loss because it was portrayed as normal to you (just more of the brainwashing.) This may be confusing because ending a relationship with an abuser should ultimately feel like an act of liberation and freedom, but for many it is also experienced as a huge loss. It is not the reality of the loss of the abusive Narcissist, but the loss of the ideal fantasy image that was first IMAGED or constructed in your head by the ‘love bombing’ agenda. You are only wishing back a mirage that never existed. In reality this is just a false image that had very few fleeting moments of real sanity. The man or woman as well as the relationship you loved and miss do not exist! What exists and remains in your mind is the ‘what ifs,’ or if I only did this, that or what not, or worked harder to fix this’ THEN everything would have been OK. That is just DENIAL of the real truth.
Add up all of those ‘what ifs’ and look at them closely. For example, “if only he/she weren’t so crazy,” or “If only he/she weren’t so cruel,” or “If only he/she wasn’t such a liar,” or “if only he/she wouldn’t have cheated,” Or “if only I would have tried harder to make this work.” None of that is realistic because no person should feel inclined to take blame for such outrageous justifications! There or no “ifs” when somebody is sadistic and dehumanizes you, confounds your reality, and emotionally and psychologically abuses you. .
Now think about what you could do to help them or what you have already done so many times to correct all the problems. Now put a spin on the real perspective that the Narcissist feels omnipotent and superior, follows no rules or laws in life, lies, manipulates, etc. Will this Narcissist all of a sudden turn over a new leaf because you are hurting and haven’t they hurt you many times before? WELL, even when this Narcissist is hurling the most abusive poison at you, in their mind, they believe that they are being magnanimous for pointing out the error of your ways, so you can improve yourself and be the person THEY DESERVE. In their mind, you should be grateful that they take time from their busy schedule to criticize, abuse and be condescending to you. When they cheated on you it is because you deserve it for not meeting their every need and they justify it as being your fault that they had to find WHAT THEY NEEDED elsewhere. They see nothing wrong with it, or that they lied to cover it up, BUT you better never do the same thing to them. By the way, factor into this equation just what is it that you did wrong in the first place? Nothing! The sun rises and sets on them. They create all the rules and never abide by any of them. This is what a Narcissist does – AVOIDS reality and allow themselves the freedom to do anything they want at will because they are completely entitled to do so no matter how it may harm somebody else EVEN their own biological children! So how do we fix any of that? We DON’T – we can only accept and empower ourselves with the truth of what they are and move on to heal ourselves.
You DON’T bargain with someone so that they treat you well. Being treated with kindness, decency, consideration, respect and acceptance should be a prerequisite for an intimate relationship (or any relationship,) not something you are rewarded with for meeting one of the Narcissist’s unreasonable demands or if the Narcissist is trying to manipulate you into fulfilling their agenda by making you a source of supply. Either a person is capable of a reciprocal relationship or they are not. It doesn’t matter what you do or how nice, patient and understanding you are with a Narcissist. They are what they are, a controlling, cruel, abusive, emotional predator, pathological liar and bully. You can’t appease a bully or persuade them to be nice to you. If you do, they will only see you as weak and bulldoze you all the more and that is what the Narcissist does in the devaluation stage. This predator will always devalue and discard EVERY person that has some sort of relationship with them. They are omnipotent and superior in their own minds. In the reality they are damaged, dysfunctional and destructive abusers – but you will NEVER get them to see this because there is no empathy in them or a real and functioning person.
After I served my time with this Narcissist there was almost an instantaneous relationship that started with a new source of supply. The new supply was only spinning their wheels and trying to make it look real by overcompensating too and it was just the same old same old that I experienced and right there in front of me. This new supply only proved that they were in denial and following the same path I followed with this Narcissist. It took me awhile to get all of this, but when I saw just how pathetic this new supply was to act out in the manner they were (that included attacking me), I also saw something very ugly and that was the fact that I did some of the same things or overcompensating and only enabling my own abuse and ignoring the truth. WHY did I believe in this illusion and this sadistic creature? It made me turn away and look so far inside of me to figure out just why I did what I did. The whys are personal to me just as they will be personal to you, BUT you have to get to them ALSO to move forward with new boundaries! You have to stay on course every day with some kind of support like you are in a recovery program with strong objectives and follow this path completely to recovery. There are many online support sites to accomplish this. You have to accept that when you fall down that you have to get right back up with a new lesson and keep moving forward. You also have to stay on course with the truth that this was abuse. You have to deprogram those messages that keep playing in the back of your mind that this was real love and you can fix this. You have to get back to reality, and the way you use to live and love life! AND you will because you know that way of life because YOU ARE THE HEALTHY PERSON HERE and have the ability to make healthy changes once you deprogram the old messages.
You are in only in denial whenever you consider getting back together with him/her. When you catch yourself replaying those old message of, “He/she is really not that bad. He/she really does love me. I am not perfect either so if we wipe the slate clean and start over again MAYBE this time it will work!” FORGET IT, they are on to new supply with a brand new game. Remember the Narcissist did not love you even in the smallest way. That Narcissist is not capable of loving you or anyone else because deep down they loathe themselves. They only view you as an object to control and to bolster their false image. We are all props that they use in their distorted, twisted fantasy world in which they are special, entitled, above reproach and not subject to the rules of civility and decency most of us abide by, AND in their world they can and will abuse people. We have to GET THIS and then leave it behind and concentrate on us! No/minimal contact is just the reality and we MUST get there to start on a journey which is almost a rebirthing process as well as accept that there are bad people out there. BUT we must be able to trust again with our new boundaries. We must live with this as the new message that is always in the back of our mind. We must create these boundaries to protect ourselves and we MUST find and heal the wounds that allowed this predator to enter into our world. Any pain and anger that you feel is the reality that you are moving forward by accepting the ugly truth. Don’t allow the pain to define your progress, but instead allow the strength that allows you to get through that pain to define your progress instead. Yes you are stronger than you believe because you are still here today and every new day is just more proof of your strength and determination!
When you even start to consider going back for one more attempt to try to fix this relationship ask yourself WHY would you put yourself back into battle and perhaps allow new messages to enter into your head. You are much stronger now and have come a long way with recovery (and boundaries) EVEN if you are one day, a week, or even a year out of this horrendous relationship – but you can’t cross any lines to test any theories out because that would be senseless to go backwards because that is what we do when we start to believe in them again. A relationship does NOT include building walls to protect yourself from abuse. When you have walls there is a reason and those walls are meant to protect you and no relationship that is real would EVER require protecting yourself from harm. Just simple logic that is true. You just can’t go back because it took you so long to get to where you are and you MUST internalize this reasoning FOREVER. Your new boundaries are your new direction and you can’t ever reverse that direction. No/minimal contact always! Go forward! Greg ❤