From MY Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
So why do they play “love” with us like we are their one and only and pretend it is forever?
So WHY does a Narcissist idealize their targets in the first place. Why do they invest so much effort, time and energy into giving the illusion of intimacy and meaning in a relationship, given that they never really bond with other human beings in the first place? Well because it is a major component of the abuse to secure their target AND gain their trust, as well as defines them as predators, extortionists and the abusers they are.
The obvious response would be that they do it for security or constant and LONG term supply. Perhaps they even do it because they can’t get close to people to secure supply with their TRUE psychopathic nature, SO IT IS A NEEDED PART of the big con job by concentrating their energy on ONE PRIMARY SOURCE and hopefully locking them in long term to always have a STEADY supply source around. It takes a great deal of energy for the Narcissist to keep that mask firmly attached, as well as keep that hidden creature inside of them from escaping and raging and attacking anyone and everyone. Just consider how they can’t control their need to get their fix of more or extra supply and how easy they can betray us. They are seriously out of control with their needs, so why not have the security of that one person when supply is low or not readily available. They constantly need supply around them 24/7. It is the psychopathy that goes hand in hand with their personality disorder and how they are wired! Remember they always have to go to the external world for their faint happiness or admiration because they have no mechanics that enable them to internalize feelings, emotions, or to bond and love, etc. Can you imagine never being able to love in this world?
Whenever a Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because he/she wants something from that person and THEY WILL EXTORT IT OUT OF THEM! It all depends on what the Narcissist wants from you and whether or not you present a challenge to him/her. If the Narcissist wants some sort of semblance of order OR respectability, a façade or diversion behind which he/she can hide his/her true and perverse nature to appear harmless and normal, he/she may establish a long-term partnership with you or even marry you. If all he/she wants is to have some fun, it will be over within a short period of time, maybe even a couple of hours. If the Narcissist wants the stimulation and diversion of an affair, he/she may stay with you for as long as you excite him/her. Despite the differences in length of time or timeline that the Narcissist remains with ANY supply, what will remain constant is that eventually, the target will be discarded as soon as they no longer serve his/her needs.
They do enjoy the chase, the seduction and the betrayal. They relish creating the illusion that they’re something they’re not because it is all part of their psychopathic ego feeding process and being a Narcissist. They also enjoy observing how they dupe others into believing all of their fiction – AND THE REWARDS ARE GREAT FOR THE NARCISSIST – all the supply they can get through their lies and manipulation. This isn’t just psycho-babble it is the clinical truth and debilitating when you are the one being duped, extorted, conned, etc. AGAIN – when the Narcissist expresses admiration, flattery or enthusiasm for someone, it’s always because they want something from that person.
The CLINICAL research does confirm that Narcissists suffer from a lack of empathy as well as the EMOTIONS that would be directly related to a normal person that has emotions, empathy, and the ability to love, so it makes bonding superficial, at best. When they want something or someone they pursue that particular person and need with all their might. You are a means to an end or a SOURCE of SUPPLY to feed their many needs. You were never idealized for YOURSELF, but for something else you had or supply. But when their goal is actually you/us, then their pursuit feels very positive and REAL because we are being SEDUCED and conned into a very familiar and amazing emotion or love. They will even get married to pull us into this huge con or big lie and that gives them a lifeline to you/us legally and emotionally for their constant chaos and crazy making as well as a full time source of supply.
Temporarily we represent the object of their desire, the answer to their needs, the love of their life and the key to their happiness – remember they can’t do any of this on their own because of their psychopathic nature and lack of all empathy. But this feeling of euphoria doesn’t last long because it’s just something new and fun, and empty to the core because they are COMPLETELY empty and a big needy void. Add to this that they are addicts and supply is their drug of choice, so they are always off and looking for the next fix! All of this pretty much fuels their out-of-control lifestyle. As we’ve observed, once the Narcissist feels they have you in their grasp and once your identity, hopes and expectations are pinned on them, they GET BORED with you and move on to new sources of pleasure and diversion. We are THEIR supply in this psychopathic manipulation, and they are NOT going to be ‘our’ supply or give anything to us in return, this is only a one way street with them. So inevitably they are going to move on when we try to make this “relationship” real in a manner that we are a VIABLE part of them and show that we also have needs. They are not in a relationship that grows in a normal manner; they are in a delusional and contractual agreement with every other human being that states we will SUPPLY the Narcissist with EVERYTHING they desire.
So when does it all come DOWN???? All of a sudden you fall from the center of their life, you suddenly become an obstacle in their next pursuit and the Narcissist is pumped up and ready to fight the fight to dump you, but cautiously (without you having knowledge of it) and WHEN the time is just right OR perfect! They are setting “Narcissistic land mines” everywhere, so when they have moved on and you begin to “step back out” into the real world, you inevitably step on one of their bombs that blows up your integrity. These bombs are everywhere and the damage is too! They are in place to divert from the obvious truth that your Narcissist was a big CON artist, extortionist and abuser. BUT this con artist is going to con whomever they can into believing that it was you that was the problem and even the abusive person in the relationship. They cannot be exposed or it would put them out of business and they would be labeled as an ABUSER. So with that in mind, the “great devaluation” fulfils our preconceived destiny with the Narcissist and your losses are great. The Narcissist just moved on to start the cycle of abuse with another person. We ALL have an expiration date! In a nutshell this explains exactly what we are to a Narcissist – an object to fulfill their needs and nothing more. Please understand the truth and go no/minimal contact to end the cycle of abuse so you can move onto recovery and freedom. Greg ❤