From MY Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.
Human beings are NOT objects or instruments to be used – and to be regarded as such is dehumanizing to say the least. Narcissists devalue people and reduce them to mere objects that have one purpose which is to fulfil their every need, so their world is black and white and so are we as far as it concerns our primary role with them. This is why Narcissists easily lose interest in us because we are not a deserving, independent thinking and functioning human being in their mind but instead another object to use and then once we cease to serve them in their pursuit of supply they lose interest and find another object. No care or fuss and muss as far as finding someone else to replace us! Remember we were their DAILY or 24/7 source of supply if we were in a personal relationship with them and there were many ‘on the side’ sources to supplement the Narcissist’s vast and bottomless pit of neediness. Narcissists are not prejudice in the least bit when it comes to their needs, they will take it from whomever or whatever walks past them if they have the opportunity. There is never a commitment to any one source nor any care or concern of what harm they cause to ANYONE.
BUT many spouses, friends, family members, partners, truly BELIEVE that given sufficient time and patience they will be the one to ‘fix’ them. We were probably not aware there was a clinical name and this is a disorder so instead we viewed them as being troubled. Because we loved them and they loved us for sure (or so we were tricked into believing), it is our job and responsibility to be unconditional and bend our empathy to protect our loved one! We can’t “rescue” the Narcissist, and shield them from their disordered self. The Narcissist makes use of our naïve aspect to keep us there for them, so within that thought we have been supporting them in a distorted way. They take us as a captive prisoner through a strong emotional bonding that would render the Narcissist’s exploitive acts to his/her benefit. Our real or natural, protective, and healthy mechanisms are twisted, used, and abused by the Narcissist to achieve their agenda and THAAT IS ALL! There were the fake apologies but it always shifted back to the disabling blame and shame as if we were the source of the problem and needed to work on ourselves. They even used us to project their disabled and bad parts onto and into us. What a distorted love we bought into.
So the truth or the crash course to understanding our role. The Narcissist attacks or infects their targets/victims by infiltrating their healthy mind or psyche and also penetrating their defenses through a vast array of manipulation techniques – brain-washing us every step of the way to BELIEVE in them so they can in turn manage us down and control us to ‘get’ supply. They are seriously like a virus that establishes itself within its victims. Their words and manipulative actions echo through our psyche and mind, slowly but surely disabling every aspect of our reality, disabling us with the sole intent to control and extort us. AMEN! This is not bashing a Narcissist – it is the truth we NEED to comprehend so that we can accept the truth and allow it to heal us!
Recovery is a process that demands that we separate ourselves from the Narcissist that is alive and living inside of us as the result of living or being with that Narcissist. The Narcissist has crippled you (us) and assigned us a role as they do to every target/victim. We HAD to develop coping mechanisms with him/her. EVERY day we were forced (controlled) to “walk on eggshells” and develop our own ‘false self’ to support their every need by giving up our individuality. It is nothing even comparable to BEING a Narcissist it is just defining what we become and that is Narcissistic supply and at a huge loss. It is a direct result of the elaborate arsenal of tools that the Narcissist uses and the result of the trauma and abuse inflicted upon you (us) by the Narcissist. It is a great price to pay for what we believed was love – and even THAT was a huge manipulation so the Narcissist could access our mind through our heart.
Now I have clarity about this abuse as well as the Narcissist that abused me. It is like being on a merry-go-round, but one that you can’t get off of and it just goes faster and faster until you are left there alone, frozen and spinning around with no sense of anything but the senseless motion you are in. I DO NOT understand why I endured as long as I did with this Narcissist except that I WAS managed down and a captive person of psychological abuse that put me there. Was I a willing participant that wanted to be abused – NO! Was I put into a position to believe that this creature loved me – YES! Was I the recipient of subtle and demeaning brain-washing – YES! Am I normal person than loves and has empathy – YES! Did I become dependent – YES! Did I willfully accept this role to become disabled and dependent on a Narcissist – NO! Did I believe in the false love – YES! BUT again did I connect any or all of this OR put it together when I was in the thick of this cycle of abuse – NO. I was confused, dazed, vulnerable, and fighting for answers I didn’t have nor could I get to them because of my distorted emotions and trying to believe. It was my own justifications that blinded me from so much of the truth AND disabling.
The devaluation was relentless and a new layer was added daily so I couldn’t even start to dig myself out from the many other layers or realize this was psychological abuse. I didn’t have time to concentrate or figure out one single layer because another layer was added until the process was insurmountable and I was just surviving each day. I was in over my head and by myself with a distorted reality and stories that were just too incredulous and beyond belief. I could only survive the best way I could and my life was controlled by this revolving circle of inner messages that we are left with to decipher but it was too overwhelming to do alone. What did I have as my reality – a disordered and not fully functioning human being – A NARCISSIST driving this abuse straight into my life?
Just like the analogy of that fast ride on the merry-go-round, my only salvation was to jump off at all costs and get my feet back on the ground and my bearings back again. This was not a simple process because this Narcissist made sure to set the groundwork to make those nearest and dearest to me believe that I was a bad person and derelict. This was an insurmountable situation that I had to venture into without any course of action to resolve any of it quickly. I stumbled through it and had to let go of many things that were important to my life and become a survivor. Day by day I acquired the truth as well as knowledge to move forward. I didn’t look at any of the losses at first, I realized that my survival was based on becoming healthy first and then to rebuild from there. I had to step out of the fog and take each and every day as part of my freedom that provided me clarity to heal and move on little by little until I survived this war that was waged against my life. They just don’t walk into our lives to take supply and then discard us, they have to attempt to destroy us to make themselves feel better or superior in the process and to bury the evidence to avoid exposure. This is a fight to regain your life back and recovery is not an easy process but it is necessary to fight for your freedom and well-being to repurpose yourself again to a healthy psychological and emotional state to rejoin a good world and to trust and know love again. Throw this Narcissist COMPLETELY out of your head – learn the truth about their real agenda in all of this through education, find the support through the voices and stories of other survivors and start this journey through no/minimal contact as your first step. This is about your life and living again. This abuse is NEVER singular and affects whole families, including the biological children! Greg