From My Book: From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist.

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We have to face the truth about our relationship with a Narcissist – as painful as it may feel and painful it will be AND there is no getting around this – BUT if you have been with, known, or lived with a Narcissist for a significant portion of our life, then you are very much accustomed to pain and being managed down and that is what you are continually working through or all of that brainwashing, manipulation or emotional and psychological abuse. This pain feels very different, lonely, isolated, and scary. You can get through it. Most importantly, you can’t ever go back to the world of Narcissistic lies and betrayal. We can never go back, we have to go forward – WE HAVE TO.


We must be able to recognize that this relationship wasn’t based on love, but upon control tactics (fear, shame, and guilt), unmet emotional needs, dysfunctional dependency, brain-washing, betrayal, constant managing down and projection. WE have bought into the lies that this Narcissist has told us! “No one will ever love you as much as me.” “You’ll never find anyone as wonderful as me.” “You’re crazy if you think anyone else would want you.” “You don’t know how lucky you are that I put up with you.” “You owe me after everything I did for you.” GUESS WHAT they believe this BS and nonsense because they are disordered and damaged and have created this false persona that supports their delusions and failures. They leave a trail of destruction that goes way back to the first days they were able to speak. We were managed down to accept these lies hook, line, and sinker and sadly pair this brainwashing with a very small handful of good memories. This brainwashing was a very powerful, distorted belief that kept us (and keeps us) from moving on and then disables us AFTER THE FACT making it difficult to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone new because of that negative and consistent conditioning that erased our spirit, belief system, and personality. It also has a traumatic effect on a very important relationship and that is the one with OURSELVES.


Despite the relentless abuse, rage episodes, mind games, projection, gaslighting and demoralization, SOMEHOW we believe we are still in love with these Narcissists on some level and possibly feel we will always love them. These messages continuously play behind all of our attempts to reach closure and YES through our recovery. This is part of recovery and we must live it! This attitude or thought process is evidence of how the emotionally abusive Narcissist brainwashes or programs their targets to keep believing in them – that was the huge con, love bombing, or whatever we call this horrendous manipulation they tricked us into believing. It is akin to an addiction, and our addiction is to the drug of our choice and that is this Narcissist that conditioned us to be dependent on their emotional manipulation by using love as the bait to gain our trust. A drug alters our mind when we ingest it, and the brainwashing, programming, and conditioning from a Narcissist ALSO alters our mind when we ingest and internalize their messages. Like an addict that will continually justify their returning to the drug of choice EVEN though it is damaging their mind and life and is basically destroying them – it is the addiction message that keeps the addict going back. That message is also in us and what causes us to relapse. The message has altered our mind to believe in the Narcissist against all of the odds and truth that they are bad for us. In time with education and support we will deprogram this message and be desensitized to it. But we have to always be cognizant of the fact that the message is in our subconscious and destroy it so it doesn’t start replaying itself or we will fall backwards into the abuse pattern again.


It is a fact of life that it takes time to grieve the loss of a significant relationship and that includes normal and ABNORMAL ones. No matter how abusive your Narcissist is/was, you still need to mourn the loss of the love you believed in, because it was portrayed as normal to you (just more of the brainwashing.) This may be confusing because ending a relationship with an abuser should ultimately feel like an act of liberation and freedom, but for many it is also experienced as a huge loss. It is not the reality of the loss of the destructive Narcissist, but the loss of the ideal fantasy image that was first IMAGED or constructed in your head by the ‘love bombing’ agenda. You are only wishing back a mirage that never existed. In reality this is just a false image that had very few fleeting moments of real sanity. The man or woman as well as the relationship you loved and miss do not exist! What exists and remains in your mind is the ‘what ifs,’ or if I only did this, that or what not, or worked harder to fix this’ THEN everything would have been OK. That is just DENIAL of the real truth.


Add up all of those ‘what ifs’ and look at them closely. For example, “if only he/she weren’t so crazy,” or “If only he/she weren’t so cruel,” or “If only he/she wasn’t such a liar,” or “if only he/she wouldn’t have cheated,” Or “if only I would have tried harder to make this work.” None of that is realistic because no person should feel inclined to take blame for such outrageous justifications! There or no “ifs” when somebody is sadistic and dehumanizes you and your reality. There is no fixing this when the person does not know love and uses it to manipulate you, control you, condition you and HURT You.


Now think about what you could do to help them or what you have already done so many times to correct all the problems. Now put a spin on the real perspective that the Narcissist feels omnipotent and superior, follows no rules or laws in life, lies, manipulates, etc. Will this Narcissist all of a sudden turn over a new leaf because you are hurting and haven’t they hurt you many times before? WELL, even when this Narcissist is hurling the most abusive poison at you, in their mind, they believe that they are being magnanimous for pointing out the error of your ways, so you can improve yourself and be the person THEY DESERVE. In their mind, you should be grateful that they take time from their busy schedule to criticize, abuse and be condescending to you. When they cheated on you it is because you deserve it for not meeting their every need and they justify it as being your fault that they had to find WHAT THEY NEEDED elsewhere. They see nothing wrong with it, or that they lied to cover it up, BUT you better never do the same thing to them. By the way, factor into this equation just what is it that you did wrong in the first place? Nothing! The sun rises and sets on them. They create all the rules and never abide by any of them. This is what a Narcissist does – AVOIDS reality and allow themselves the freedom to do anything they want at will because they are completely entitled to do so no matter how it may harm somebody else EVEN their own biological children! So how do we fix any of that? We DON’T.


You DON’T bargain with someone so that they treat you well. Being treated with kindness, decency, consideration, respect and acceptance should be a prerequisite for an intimate relationship (or any relationship,) not something you are rewarded with for meeting one of the Narcissist’s unreasonable demands or if the Narcissist is trying to manipulate you into fulfilling their agenda by making you a source of supply. Either a person is capable of a reciprocal relationship or they are not. It doesn’t matter what you do or how nice, patient and understanding you are with a Narcissist. They are what they are, a controlling, cruel, abusive, and an emotional bully. You can’t appease a bully or persuade them to be nice to you. If you do, they will only see you as weak and bulldoze you all the more and that is what the Narcissist does in the devaluation stage. A Narcissist will always devalue and discard EVERY person that has some sort of relationship with them. They are omnipotent and superior in their own minds. In the reality they are damaged, dysfunctional and destructive abusers – but you will NEVER get them to see this. Know this completely so you can break free from this cycle of abuse and move forward to recovery. No/minimal contact. Greg ❤

Posted on March 22, 2016, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Being with a narcissist is like moving around in the dark room trying to find a light switch that he mechanically can move at will when you get close to turning it on. Best bet is to find the door and walk into the greater light!


  2. aurora borealis

    Wow! Ditto…just what was written. There isn’t any way to justify abusive behavior. Lots of us have encountered more than one narcissist, in our lifetimes. It became a ‘way of life’ and, therefore, felt normal to us…’just like home’. But, the best, healthy reasoning is that….’confusion is not of God’. We have to use our logic, a part of us that is/was extremely distorted, during our time spent with narcissists. Logic dictates that relationships shouldn’t bring pain or confusion…they should bring peace, contentment, fulfillment and joy. That’s where our own self-esteem comes into play: Do we deserve happiness? Or, have we been manipulated into thinking that we do not deserve it? We have to remember a time when we were happy and what the people were like, back then, when we felt peaceful and happy. Were they anything like the person/people we’re spending our lives with now? Not hardly. What gave US joy? That’s not a selfish statement! So, why are we wasting OUR joy on people who are radically ill? God…universe…whatever…WANTS us to be happy. Logically, we already know that ANY addiction is not healthy for us. I’ve, personally, had to dump six narcissists, in my life. It became remarkably easier to do, each time. Their profiles are cut in stone, easy to spot, once we wade through the quagmire of educating ourselves about this very destructive disorder. A heart, chopped up into a thousand pieces, cannot sustain life. A mind, caught up in a whirlwind of destruction, cannot think properly. So, gather up the pieces, one by one, and LIVE a joyful life again! We all DESERVE it!


  3. I lived vicariously through a narcisstic sister. She is the “superior” one of 5 siblings-the “golden child”. Must be the center of attention. Was given Rx for psychosis. Abusive, but successful.
    Anyway, I have estranged myself now. My life has been sabotaged. I am indeed a victim of ” soul murder”. I see all of the pieces clearly, but it is much too late in life (50+). Not sure how to go on. Perfect fodder for a book – a Greek tragedy!


  4. I have been with my BPD/ NPD wife going on 13 years now, of which there has not been one year of peace. The constant barrage of abuse I’ve been subjected to has slowly turned me into a shell of my former self.
    This post really sums up the harsh reality of my present circumstances. I can no longer delude myself into believing things will improve although things between my wife and I are the best they’ve ever been. My gut tells me she’s realized that I am at my breaking point and has adjusted her attitude accordingly so I don’t leave. Even though things have improved between us I wait in constant anticipation for “the other shoe to drop” because that’s the cycle I’ve endured forever.
    I’ll be turning 45 this year and have wasted the last decade feeling stagnant and in actual decline regarding my life. I feel that life is evolving and advancing around me but that I am stuck in place. My unhappiness has permeated every aspect of my personality and, consequently, my life. I feel and know that my relationship is killing me- literally.
    Articles like this help to reaffirm what I know in my heart to be ultimately true. I could never have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person no matter how hard I tried. It is just not possible or logical. I work at a drug/ alcohol treatment facility and the “addiction” analogy is spot on. Thank you for all of your posts. They have enlightened me so much.


  5. 200% spot on. Im busy divorcing what i would classify as Satan’s daughter. Spot on…….


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