The A – Z’s of Everyday Malignant Narcissists

There’s so much written about Narcissistic Personality disorder and narcissism these days that it’s hard to sort through what we, as survivors of this abuse know to be true about malignant narcissism and how it impacts us.

Let’s re-examine what we’ve learned by having been abused by one or two of them.

A – Amoral. Narcissists are unscrupulous in their conduct towards others. More than merely disloyal and exploitative, they are the con men and women of the human race whose malicious behavior arises against anyone who gets in the way of getting what they want.

B – Boastful. Narcissists get their feelings of worth from outside sources of supply; other people. A narc will regale others, ad nauseum, with all the “blessings” in life which others are to infer comes from them being such “great people”: money, cars, homes, celebrity lifestyle, expensive vacations, worldly trips, admiration and compliments from others. They’re just not able to be silent and quietly enjoy  what they have, because not hyping themselves won’t get them your attention.

C – Charming. “Charm” is defined as the power or quality of giving delight or arousing the admiration of others.One of the early manipulative traits narcissists use to draw people in is charm. By pretending to be whatever they know will ingratiate themselves to you, they’ll pull out all the stops to be that magical person. They initially try to appear agreeable, open, loving, attentive, well dressed, physically appealing, self-assured and entertaining.   Because charm is just another manipulative tactic to woo people, once the narcissist feels they’ve secured your attention and confident that you aren’t going to abandon them, the charm mask will slip and they’ll begin to show you their true, darker, selfish nature.

D – Deceptive. The level of lying done by a narcissist reaches pathological proportions. We are not exaggerating when we say that narcissists lie about EVERYTHING. They lie about who they are, what they feel, what their motives are, what dark thoughts and feelings they really have about themselves and others. They lie about their accomplishments, they exaggerate, embellish, stretch and twist the truth and do not live within the context of reality. Their very existence is based on delusions and lies. Once you know you’re dealing with a narcissist, your best premise is to always remember if a narcissist’s mouth is moving, you can be certain, they are lying.

E- Entitled. Narcs view themselves as superior and deserving of receiving “all star” treatment. “Don’t you know who I am?” is an expression of the narcissists entitlement when someone rebuffs their demands to be put first or treated as special. They view themselves as celebrities who come before lowly peons like you and me. They don’t just reserve this “I come first” mentality to those they encounter in public, but within their families and closer relationships too. Last piece of chicken? Of course, they should be the first asked if they want it. Everyone in the family defers to the narcissists supreme reign as king or queen; stand back and be prepared to be blasted if you dare think you come before a narcissist in any slight way. A sense of entitlement is established and upheld by the belief that the narcissist is the center of the universe, and if the universe doesn’t meet their needs and desires, all hell will break loose.

F – Fake. Fake fake fake. Anyone who really knows a narcissist is incensed by the way the narcissist is so two faced. They present a masked (socially acceptable) version of themselves to the public but behind closed doors? Narcissists are dark, needy, brooding, unpleasant, insatiable, rageful, angry, insecure, jealous, possessive, fault finding, perfectionistic, cheating, lying, monsters. There is NO correlation of the masked fake version of themselves to the dark monsters who abuse those closest to them. One way to keep yourself from being manipulated into the fake version of that the narcissists wants you to believe, is to take your time getting to know who someone  based upon their actions. Dig into their histories to determine if they’ve got a line of former targets (all narcissists do) who are telling a very different story from the public version they present.

G – Grandiose. “Grandiose” means, “Having an unrealistic sense of superiority, a  view of oneself as better than others” that prompts narcissists to view others with contempt & see them as inferior.  Grandiosity can be expressed in an unrealistic overvaluation of talents and abilities; preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited beauty, power, wealth or success; and a belief in unrealistic superiority and uniqueness and that they can only relate to and be catered to by other superior people: celebrities, best doctors, schools or accomplished friends.

H – Hateful and contemptuous. A narcissist hates many things, even though on the surface they claim to be about “love”. They have no concept of Love. Their main emotion is envy that stems from their shame and insecurity. They want and envy what they can’t have; such as an easy going personality, natural self esteem, the free admiration of others without manipulating for it, etc. They want what good people have, without having to possess the integrity to obtain it. They want to FORCE and TRICK others into admiring them rather than do the hard work of living a principled and moral life which tends to come with the respect of others.

I – I I I , Me me me. Self Absorption. It REALLY IS all about the narcissist and please don’t forget this, even when they are doing something apparently nice for you; always look for the strings attached which brings the behavior full circle back to what really matters: THE NARCISSIST. They live in a delusional psychological make up where they are the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE and others orbit around them providing ample supply. This belief is true regardless of the type of relationship: social, familial, work, or societal in general.

J – Jeckyll and Hyde. The two faces of the narcissist as witnessed by those they abuse. The public face is the acceptable, masked, false self that the narcissist believes and wants everyone else to believe is their true self. When the mask slips their other, abusive face, the real narcissist emerges to put the target back in their inferior place, subservient to the narcissist. These two faces of the narcissist is what keeps targets confused by cognitive dissonance because we want so much to deny that the narcissist who says they love us could be so cold and cruel.

L – Lack of Empathy. The lack of empathy exhibited by a narcissist is one of the most remarkable and scary traits they possess. It’s what makes them inhumane. Until we met a true malignant narcissist, we didn’t know the harmful and painful impact of lack of empathy on others.  Empathy is the cornerstone of humanity.  So the narcissist’s lack of empathy is what allows them to prey on their own species without conscience or remorse. A narcissists lack of empathy will allow them to cheat on you, lie about you, steal from you, abuse you, and use you without having any bad feelings for doing so. Another E word associated with lack of empathy would be Evil. Many targets express how close to evil they have felt as a result of being in the company of a narcissist even after they are no longer in physical contact.

M – Mean and menacing. (Sadistic) Narcissists are highly critical of others. Lacking senses of humor they mistake demeaning others with put downs and insults as humor. On the surface they know it’s socially appropriate to be kind to others, so they’ll dabble in kindness as flattery on the surface, but pay attention to how they really speak to or of others; as eventually, this caustic unkindness will be turned towards you. They believe themselves superior, and treat all those inferior to them with sadistic contempt. They’ll be those who will take a picture of someone in public just to make fun of how “fat or ugly” they are. (Read: the narcissist is superior in looks) or they’ll make fun of a person who stutters. Since they thrive on chaos and drama, they will menace others for the pure folly of it, just to prove they have the power and superiority to affect people’s emotions. They’ll point to the person’s reaction and blame them for being so easily ruffled; never questioning their own sadistic intent for enjoying ruffling someone up in the first place.

N – Never wrong. Narcissists just do not take responsibility, especially for their flaws or things they do to other people. Admitting that their behavior was imperfect is beyond them, so at best, ANY conversation where you try to hold the narcissist accountable for consequences as a result of doing something that hurt your feelings will be a complete disaster ending in YOUR feeling to blame, shamed, or wrong for feeling the way you did in the first place. They DON’T BUDGE. Every attempt to discuss your feelings will be twisted and  turned back on you leaving you feeling confused and that the problem is unresolved . This will lead to your frustration rising to the boiling point and then the narcissist will use anything you do out of your frustration with them being irresponsible as evidence that you really are to blame for all the problems. You just can’t expect fairness, resolution or mutuality from a narcissist who see themselves as infallible.

O – Obtuse. Boy they have no clue how the world really operates, who they really are, how people really feel about them and what they really do to others. Their delusions are beyond them. The reality they create is one that is fictional casting themselves in a heroic role and all others as servants created to do their bidding. To say they don’t live in the land the rest of us live in, is an understatement. They simply refuse to deal with reality in any sense of the word. As a result, they can be easily manipulated via ego stroking and playing into their narcissistic delusions.

P – Projection.  One of the narcissist’s most used defense mechanism whereby they blame their un-owned feelings, traits, behaviors, words, motives, character disorder, flaws, hatred, fault, etc. onto those around them and then systematically shame them for “being” so. Their identity disturbance blurs boundaries & makes it difficult for them to tell where they leave off and others begin. (which is what targets are left to deal with in recovery – trying to separate our identities from the narcissist’s projected flawed identity). Projection is yet another indication of the narcissist’s departure from reality. Don’t give a Personality Disordered person power over your self-image.

R – Rallying the Troops.  Narcissists are always prepped for battle. Their aim is to win power over others and to win attention for being perceived as the false self they create. Yet, Narcissists never act alone. They can never BE alone, despite all their fanfare that they’re independent or self sustaining. Narcissists NEED OTHER PEOPLE TO SURVIVE. The narcissists keep a pocket of sycophantic pawns and aggressive army men & women ready to do battle for their hero. If it’s attention they need, they rally their fan clubs, if they need to bury a detractor, they’ll rally the same fan club to fight their battles, if they need business opportunities for themselves or targets they’re manipulating, they’ll rally their rolodex and call in all those who owe them favors. If they want to prove to you that you’re wrong, unloving, abusive, etc. they’ll rally those who will play dirty to stay in the narcs good graces; even to the point of pawning your own allies or enemies to use against you to WIN the battle of public opinion through a carefully planned smear campaign. I’ve seen a narcissist promote a former targets enemies and business competition, financially   just to send the target the message that they weren’t special or unique to the narcissist at all; that they are the makers and breakers of careers and the former target better not forget it.

S – Shaming. Inside all narcissists is a great well of shame. Shame, that they spend their entire lives trying to deny. Shame is the reason they create a false self in the first place. Not wanting to feel the intense pain of their own shame is the reason they project their flaws onto others. The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that you did something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you ARE something bad. Narcissists want us to believe that we are bad, because they believe THEY are bad.  Many times with the narcissist, we get a feeling that we can’t do anything right, are unlovable and damaged. When we finally break free from our narcissistic abusers, we are left with a lot of  displaced shame from verbal abuse that we need to work through with boundary and identity work.

T -Triangulation. Narcissists pit people against each other to gain an advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into conflicts with each other. They do it to win, to control and maintain power, for pure folly and to passive-aggressively communicate information about others without having to engage them directly or responsibly. Triangulation is the cornerstone of narcissistic dysfunctional relationships because narcissists are so underhanded and manipulative with others.

U – Unremorseful. Until we meet a narcissist, we won’t understand the depth of pain inflicted on us when someone not only refuses to take responsibility for their harmful behavior but when they lack the empathy necessary to show remorse towards our hurt. Before you accept this reality of the narcissist, many targets have gone out of their way to get the narcissist to apologize or feel bad for what they did. The sooner you realize that this will NEVER happen in any meaningful or real way, the sooner you will be on your way to overcoming narcissistic abuse. Not one narcissist, even narc parents, who we all believe love their children and would be devastated to know they hurt us, are capable of culpability and remorse. Please don’t hold your breath. There’s no “better side” to the narcissist. They don’t wake up and develop a conscience. The path of least resistance for the narcissist and their ego to take is to deny deny deny, blame blame blame, and then pretend that you are dead.  You don’t need an apology or acceptance of responsibility for a narcissist to move on or even to forgive them. You may want one, but realize that wanting one will set you up for failure and further hurt. Learning to accept the apology we never got, is one of the most courageous and realistic acts we do as targets in recovery.  Narcissistic personality disorder is a fixed, incurable mental disorder. Nothing you could say, do, wish, beg for, or ask of them, will EVER change that.

V – Vain. Not all narcissists are the mirror kissing variety that use just their looks to secure supply (attention) but many of them use any extension of themselves for vanity purposes, so it is worth mentioning. A narcissist’s vanity is evident in their preoccupation with self and the accoutrements of self. Whatever they feel meets the criterion to be worshipped, is where their vanity will lie. It could be in their body – muscular build, breast implants, workout routines, how they dress, the labels on their clothing, their make of sunglasses or the rims on their cars. Vanity will be evident in their relationships to their family, their spouse’s beauty, physique, clothing, jewelry or social status. Their children’s accomplishments, looks, smarts or athletic ability. Selfies come under the vanity category in that, narcissists will take photos of themselves displaying their vanity and get an addictive high out of the number of likes and comments that validate this vanity. They will boast about the parties and events they’re invited to, where they travel, who they know, anything that will project a “perfect” image of carefully coiffed hair, makeup, false eyelashes, lifestyle, relationships , social status, etc. all to exemplify that they possess what society values. A narcissist’s vanity rises to the level of pride and pushes out the possibility of the narcissist possessing even an ounce of humility.

W – Weird. Weird is a pejorative term, but what other word could we use to describe how different narcissists are from normal people? They have weird eating habits, a weird sense of time and space, they have weird thoughts and outlooks and have weird relationships to the truth, to people and to reality. In fact, its easier to list that there’s NOTHING whatsoever normal about a narcissist than it is to list out all the ways they’re odd. Had we not been manipulated by a narcissist’s purposeful charming love bombing, we’d have noticed the way we felt being in the presence of what felt so “odd” to us about a narcissist. They just FEEL OFF. Intuition is everything when not falling prey to the narcissist’s charms; just pay attention to the fact that something just feels WEIRD.

X – Xtensions (extensions) Narcissists don’t have boundaries. They view others as objects of convenience that they possess; you are not a person who exists separately with your own feelings, wants and needs. Because they possess others, their is no definitive boundary line in the narcs mind between who they are and what they want and others. It’s this object view of others that causes a narc to dictate to you, demand and order you do things believing you have to acquiesce, claiming they know you better than you know yourself, or that they know your “true” motivation for behaving, they know your thoughts, they dictate what you feel (which is really what they feel) but bottom line is, they own you and you exist to be a source of narcissistic admiration and mirroring and to act as a shame receptacle. No one in their right mind (Non brainwashed mind) would sign up for such a lowly position as to be the extension of a narcissist, but everyday innocent people are manipulated into doing just that. Understanding this disorder helps us understand AND AVOID, becoming a narcissist’s possession; I mean “lover”, “friend”, “partner” or associate. Who you are and everything you possess both internally and externally will in the narc’s mind, belong to them and will be treated as such.

YYes men & women. This is who the narcissist must surround themselves with to maintain a “stable” sense of self worth. Narcissists purposefully target people who will accommodate and coddle their needs and whims. The moment a target begins to say no, or assert their independent needs and wants, conflict will arise, the narcissist will view them as a threat and they will set in motion a plan to discard them, of course securing new supply first. There are many names for the people who are willing to sacrifice themselves entirely to remain in the “blessed presence” of a narcissist: sycophants, bootlickers, “yes men and women” and flying monkeys. These are generally weak willed, willing parasitic hosts, who follow the narc’s lead, blindly kiss up to their egos, enjoy whatever celebrity the narc brings to the table and will collude with the narc to destroy former targets without consideration for truth or consequences as long as the narc continues to praise them for being good servants. These fawning sycophants of the narcissists have their own brand of karma coming for them for how they abused targets right along with the narcissist and there is no love lost here for them in our books.

Z – Zero CONTACT. The bottom line with a narcissist is that we must have ZERO CONTACT with them when we can do that, because anything else will set us up for further manipulation and harm. These are the worst of the worst of humanity. Your love, concern and care are abused by a narcissist. There is not one good reason to entertain the company of one even if they are a family member or former friend. Our circles of trust can’t contain the untrustworthy narcissist and our lives will be better for having protected that circle, by keeping a narcissist as far away from us as possible. When no contact is impossible, we advise, NO EMOTIONAL CONTACT, meaning that we must shield our emotions against the endless stream of attacks a narcissist will inflict upon you simply because you share children or must communicate with family members, coworkers or bosses.  Zero influence, zero tolerance, zero reactions, and zero time spent concerning ourselves with the toxic narcissist’s schemes, tricks and betrayals.




Posted on March 18, 2016, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 22 Comments.

  1. This description of the narcissist is exactly what my step mother is. Exactly! I was her number one fan from when she first assaulted me and raged at me aged 12, to when I finally had my ‘ah ha’ moment at 42. So devastating was my realisation that her love for me was false but the sadness that she had willfylly set out to damage my journey from child to young adult by never, ever talking about my needs. My whole relationship with her was false and my job was to praise and adore her and put myself last.
    She has now turned my father against me, he believes her lies, but I am now free. I don’t have her in my life anymore. I am moving on. I’m done.
    During my breakdown my father deserted me – I have never felt so alone in all my life.
    This book, these posts, they have been the only rope I have been able to cling on to. These writings saved me from suicide.
    Thank you for your brilliant work


  2. I’ve been married to a narcissist for over 20 years, needless to say how miserable and trapped I feel on a daily basis. I despise this specimen with every ounce of my being, so do our children (who are all grown now), and even our grandchildren, who are 10 and younger, are starting to display dislike for this person. I have health issues that require me to see several physicians monthly, due to this, working outside the home isn’t and hasn’t been an option for years. He uses this against me because I rely on the medical insurance that’s provided through his employment. I have detached myself from this monster emotionally but that’s not enough, I want him nowhere near me, especially not under the same roof…I’m open to any suggestions at this point.


    • You poor thing Dana, you’ve been though a lot. And with the medical you must feel trapped. Why don’t you move to England? Heath care is free! If that’s a dumb idea, why don’t you all pool your resources and relocate somewhere far away from him? What would happen to you if you came off his insurance and you got a job indoors? I used to be a corporate director but I had a serious mental breakdown after my narc step mum finally broke me and destroyed my relationship with my father. I imploded. And now? Now I wash pots in a kitchen. I love it. I am appreciated and valued. I think work is the best cure. You can make new friends and gain confidence. You won’t nedd his insurance because you’ll have your own income.


  3. Judith J Bentley

    The most comprehensive article on Narcissists I have ever read bar none! THANK YOU!

    I lived with a Narc Mother during my childhood and adolescence, married a Narc husband after college (I used to tell my therapist I felt like I had married my mother since he was just like her –emotionally unavailable, incapable of love). Then the most painful realization came a few years ago when I became aware that my daughter– now grown –whom I have loved all her life began exhibiting all the signs of a classic narcissist. My therapist explained that she has always been that way, that I just didn’t see it, and will “only get worse over time.”

    To be free of her manipulation and control, I had to cut off contact with her and move out of the house she inherited from her godfather (she worked on me for 2 years to convince me to move into that house). Every single one of the ABC’s in your article fit her to a T, especially the lies, betrayals, greed, and extortion. Though she makes over $10,000/month and I am retired and living on Social Security, she thought it perfectly okay for her to call me, crying and begging me for more money.

    I had to go through grief therapy to grieve the loss of the daughter I thought I knew and the “loving” relationship I thought I had with her–both illusions. Now I am hyper vigilant and can see and smell a narcissist even through the TV screen. In physical death, there is closure. With a Narc, there can be none ever. I found some comfort in the fact that even Jesus Himself was betrayed by one of his disciples, a Narc, for 30 pieces of silver.

    Thank you for this outstanding article which I am sharing with my therapist. It has taken me a lifetime to wake up to what I have been living with and to free myself from the abuse I have suffered. At age 71, I am free of the narcissists in my life and enjoy living in a secured and caring senior independent living community with new friends.

    Liked by 1 person


    Thank you. I feel sick thinking about them. I have lupus and today wasn’t the best day,
    Sometimes you have to pretend to be ok and listen to uncaring, unthinking. Ungrateful,
    People whinging and moaning about themselves in Harrow and London UK. Depression is
    Having a cold, rain makes them depressed, husbands, other people’s children, immigrants.
    Homosexuals get it, nice Catholics get it, They are out to screw your mind, turn you into
    One of them. Muslims, hating, haters, no empathy, no compassion, unkind about homeless
    I fee, sorry for nice people who come to this city. I am a woman having left St Thomas’s
    Hospital and I’m protecting a beautiful French tourist in a hateful tube. The great
    Untouchables looking down on the touchables
    I feel great now. Thank you God and thank one and all


  5. Terrific email! Concise and so correct!


  6. This is so well done! This would be perfect for the AtoZ Blog Challenge! You’ve already got each post written. There’s still time as it starts on April 1st.


  7. Wow. This is a perfect picture of my half sister and her kids, once she decided to focus in on turning me into the Black Sheep of the family. Every instinct I had told me what she was, but I had to “Forgive 70 times 7” according to our good hearted by mistaken Mother, so I kept putting myself out there, trying to make peace, but instead getting beat up emotionally for years. I equated it to being forced out onto the highway to get run over every.single.time.
    Glad these people are starting to get exposed.


  8. l have endured 98% of EXACTLY what you write about for 6 years. He didn’t brag about or have material things because his endeavor was to seek out the basics… free ride (literally) shelter, free auto insurance, maintenance, etc. And as you stated, he WAS entitled to amenities paid for by others. I became very isolated, lost new and old friends, lost contact with my daughter because once I got him out of my house guess where he lived? With my daughter and Granddaughters, never admitting there was a thing wrong with him bring there. He convinced her everything was my fault. Might I add, this man is NOT HER FATHER…NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING A STRPFATHER. HE WAS TO STAY THERE 3 days which turned into 11 months. Did he actually think that he would always be closer to my daughter than I, as her mama and WHY? Was it control, lust or borh. The thought of him being an influence on my granddaughters makes me sick. HE IS WEIRD, IQ 151, was in premed, then engineering then turned electrician bkz, of course, it was his sorry girlfriend’s fault he never finished college…nothing to do with his alcoholism. Anyway, excuse the venting. Just one qurstion. Is there a support group in the MONTGOMERY, AL AREA? I am 200% isolated, lost all friends and family. Already had counseling many, many years. Truly afraid and untrusting. Where do I run away to? Thanking you in advance…


    • Hi, I was wondering if you found a support group in Montgomery, yet? I’m of victim of a narc father, suffer from complex PTSD that hasn’t gotten better with years of no contact and therapy. Only just discovered the narc label, might be good to have a group.


  9. I wish of course I knew these things to be true when I met my ex-husband but true to the nature of a narcissist, he showed his true colors slowly. And little by little he took away any sense of self and the ability to make a decision from me, leaving me emotionally damaged. And once I stopped accepting his pathetic excuses and no longer thought he was perfect, he left me. Walked out on a 30 year marriage. He’s with a younger woman now and her two kids. I don’t think she cares what kind of person he is as long as she has access to his money. I can only hope she takes it all quickly.


  10. I needed the reminder. Thank you.


  11. Wow. Does having all but one of two of these traits still make somebody a narcissist? This is hard to read and not picture “somebody.”


  12. Reblogged this on survivednarc and commented:
    An amazing, easy to read, blog post about the hallmarks of narcissists! This blog site helped me so much back when I started to suspect the ex was a narcissist. A great read for anyone; to arm yourself with knowledge, in order to never be caught in a narcissist’s web, or to confirm your suspicions about your partner/ex. Or, even to get renewed confirmation that yes, your partner/ex really IS a narcissist, if feelings of “surrealism” ever hits you! A great read!


  13. This is so accurate that it’s scary! Great information. I shared it on FB & you would be amazed at how many people can relate 😦 Thank you.


  14. So what’s the best way to co-parent
    With a narcassist? I’m trying to do
    What’s best for the kids, he obviously
    Just uses them manipulates them,
    I have NO CONTACT, exept concerning
    Kids. But he never answers my texts
    It’s frustrating!
    How do I stop my kids becoming
    Collateral damage? And stop his abuse
    Of them when I know his true self!


  15. Thank You !!!! WoW !!! Absolutely amazingly expressed & written. Sure summed it all up. Well done !!! Feeling more at peace reading this. (y) (y)


  1. Pingback: The A – Z’s of Everyday Malignant Narcissists – auntiab

  2. Pingback: Reminder… | The Project: Me by Judy

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