Machinations, manipulations, and all lies. Breaking and dispelling the myth behind that love that has trapped you emotionally to a very destructive and sadistic Narcissist.

PhotoFunia Motivator Regular 2015-10-16 02 17 05

You have been working your way up to this day for a very long time and just when you think you are finally ready and determined to leave because you know that you HAVE to get out of this relationship, the Narcissist in your life starts manipulating your emotions and turning them upside down and every which way with guilt, intimidation and even fear tactics! OR on the other end of the spectrum looks you in the eyes and tells you the exact words you have been waiting to hear – “I love you so much, I will do anything to change, and save us or I love you more than life itself!” There it is again that dizzying ride on that Narcissist’s roller coaster and you just can’t get off! You thought you were at the point of ‘enough is enough’ but before you know it the Narcissist has found a way to push your buttons in a manner to hook you back in again. Whether they say they love you or imply that they don’t like you (hate you) because you are everything wrong in this relationship, you are still right there with them and just trying to get it right with them SOMEHOW!

The real truth here is the simple fact that this Narcissist has kept you in this conditioned ‘limbo’ for a long time because you serve a function or a need along with many ‘other’ sources (people) that you were not always aware about. They have purposely managed you down to be like this and it is purely control, sadistic and a horrendous betrayal of your love and reality. This Narcissist used that big love bomb or charm to ‘get’ you hooked into their scheme until they no longer could keep the façade up and got what they came for! Bonding or real love is not something they are familiar with or understand within the same realm that we do but they know how to use it as a tool to pull you into their schemes. That charm or love was a decoy so they could tap into your resources or of course use you as supply. Because they don’t know love or bonding that old saying of ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ is written in stone with them – or again they can’t keep up the charade because the monster inside of them lives so close to the surface and always makes its way out. BUT again it serves the purpose until they get you hooked into their agenda!

Real caring and love will naturally grow between two normal people that are on the same page, but there never was any sort of growth in this relationship because it was all a terrible hoax, con job, farce or whatever words describes a dysfunctional predator looking for prey to feed it’s many needs! Those words are not very pleasing to see in writing but getting to the real truth will set you into a direction of healing and recovery. Sure it seemed like love but ask yourself right now if you believe that it was the real thing! It was the real thing to YOU, but that is what this Narcissist was counting on and using to keep you connected to them. This is why it is so readily described as a big CON job.

The Narcissist will find every way to keep you connected until THEY ARE DONE WITH YOU and not because they care, love you, or anything real that equates to any type of a cohesive relationship. It is a one sided take and take more relationship with them. The Narcissist knows all of your soft or blind spots intimately because he/she has been intensely studying and monitoring and projecting it back onto you so you SEEM to have so much in common. Then they disable your self-esteem and basically control you to stay until they are done with you because you offer a viable source of supply to them. How did they unlock all of that stuff – through that amazing love and through your emotions that made you feel like you could TRUST them. After all a Narcissist is ALWAYS a predator and you are the prey, or the source of Narcissistic supply. The Narcissist loves to know that you are enmeshed in his/her web and will remain there accepting their copious amounts of abuse, and knows exactly how to ensure this just like he/she knew how to trap you into loving them. Once you break free the Narcissist will show you the real monster that resides within and step up their game to try to annihilate your integrity and make you out to be the hideous and sick monster that they really are. After all they are completely entitled to abuse people because in their delusional way of thinking they are always the victim and entitled to whatever they want no matter what they do to get it.

Because of the negative conditioning you are basically addicted to trying to fix the wrongs and by doing so you have been conditioned to accept the blame with the very unfortunate consequence of being hooked into the abuse too! No matter how much you logically know you need to get away, every single cell in your body is addicted to the Narcissist in frightening and destructive ways. Their love was ABUSIVE from the very first day you met them and because it was built on a sadistic agenda of lies to pull you into their harem of supply. This is not love and you realistically know this underneath all of the confusion, this is desperate love or a trauma bond that attaches you to this frightening creature that keeps you captivated with their sadistic tricks and games so they can keep you as a source of supply until THEY are done with you. This is a horrendous situation that you NEED to escape from in order to heal from the damage that was inflicted on you. This is not your fault, this is somebody that is an emotional and psychological vampire that needs your attention, admiration, and more than likely some of your material worth as well! Today I can see this so clearly and only wish I had this information available to me at the time, but I didn’t and I fell prey to the psychological manipulation, lies, and isolation that locked me up in this bizarre world with a Narcissist!

After the many years of being conditioned and walking on eggshells trying not to upset your Narcissist you have completely lost yourself in all of this manipulation, control, confusion and emotional distress or the basic brain-washing to believe in this person. Each and every day was/is about surviving another day and not upsetting them and trying to get back to what you BELIEVED was a real or a cohesive relationship because of the seductive love bombing and charm that trapped you into this hideous cycle of abuse AND avoiding the pain they inflicted onto and into you. Take a quick look back and ask yourself how many years you have lost being in this cycle of back and forth arguments, blame, lies, and the conditioning that managed you down into a place of desperation? Now ask yourself if any of it has ever been resolved (the crazy arguments from nowhere) or is it the same exact cycle where you end up ALWAYS being blamed, punished, feeling helpless, vulnerable and WORTHLESS?

If your Narcissist is gone have they jumped right into another relationship and left you right there with all of the destruction without any sort of closure. Did they try to resolve any aspect of ‘what was wrong’ besides blaming you and possibly bragging about their new and amazing love? How could they move right on after being in such a terrible relationship with us? Here is the REAL truth – you could never please them and it would never get any better with them, nor could you heal them or make them see what they are doing, and they already had their next source of supply lined up – this is what they do in every relationship! If they left you it is because you were too smart for them and saw through their lies and they knew it as well as the fact that you were no longer a viable source of supply! We are just one of many objects to them and NO BIG DEAL because they ALWAYS find a new source of supply – that is their pattern and you will hear this many times over from other targets/victims! What does that say and what does that make us? NOTHING but another person that was objectified by this personality disordered person! YES this is a personality disordered person that does NOT share the same reality as we do. You were manipulated and conditioned into this subservient role!

What is their reality —– THIS! They are fundamentally compelled from deep within to deny and conceal all of their deficits or weaknesses through their self-made image. They consistently and habitually redirect any negative thoughts or appraisal of themselves outward, unconsciously believing that in doing so they will forever keep their deepest suspicions about themselves at bay and guarded. Getting anywhere close to confronting their darkness OR their innermost core scares them to death and they will defend their façade with a ferocious attack on anybody that threatens it or questions it. They can NOT face the truth about themselves so they defer to this amazing but FALSE self – but yet they act out in destructive ways that harm good people because the false self can’t even come close to reality so they have to extort (con people) through faked emotions and love until they are satiated. Their emotional resources are nonexistent and their time is completely used up maintaining this façade and supplementing the happiness they lack through fleeting encounters of securing all kinds of supply that includes a 24/7 source. Everyone is objectified to support this amazing Narcissistic façade that is non-existent and lacks real emotions. We are dealing with a facsimile of a person and a gross imitation of life that is meant to fool us in order for them to achieve their self-serving needs. It reminds me of a movie about aliens that landed on our planet and took over the bodies of other human beings so that the aliens could take what they needed from our planet by disguising themselves as one of us.

What is basically recognized by the behavioral sciences is that Narcissists totally and fundamentally lack self-insight, and that is putting it lightly! The truth is that they defer to this ‘false self’ by disassociating from their defective real self so that they never come to terms with the grotesque self that they loathe. Consequently they only have access to knowledge that they create (or basically imitate) that supports and becomes their false self and it works for them, but there is no such thing as empathy or emotions in that made up reality of theirs. Somehow they know exactly what they need to make up for the deficit to fit in. That to me is amazing enough proof to say that they DO KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG because they use what they need to get what they need – as well as the fact that they protect their façade fiercely because they know they are one huge lie. So with all of that in mind, they have to keep the mechanics of it constantly oiled, in motion, and well maintained to avoid stalling out and seeing the defective parts! They accomplish this with blaming, shaming and projecting those ugly parts onto us. Wow that is a whole lot of work to maintain an image – but that is the point here – they have to maintain this image to survive so it is an all-encompassing job for them. They also have the keen ability to compartmentalize each and every source of supply to keep their lies where they belong – never shall any supply source meet another!

Now as far as us, we are only supplemental players and the suppliers in their world and they need us to make it all work BUT there is never a real attachment to us or anything but fulfilling their needs. Their rigid and unyielding defense mechanisms can be seen as more or less defining their whole personality and everything else that seems like real emotions is purely manipulation to support that facade and draw supply into their delusional world. This is the only way for them to feel good about themselves and feel safe in a world that they have alienated and disassociated themselves from. They accomplish this by invalidating, devaluing, denigrating, and discarding others – sort of like a ritual to them just like they discarded their own self in favor of something better or the saintly façade in their case that they created. They have to feed the monster constantly to stay afloat so they can only focus on others flaws whether or not they really exist, rather than acknowledge, and come to terms with, their own deep flaws. They don’t have interpersonal boundaries whatsoever! I have heard this many times over and it rings true with Narcissists – ‘they can’t tell where they end and the other person begins.’ They view others as “extensions” of themselves, they regard them as existing primarily to serve their own needs, and they routinely put their needs before everyone else – even their own children and family.

All people are regarded as Narcissistic supply or suppliers to keep the Narcissistic machine running. We only exist to cater to all of their personal desires. We are not regarded as an individual with needs, instead we each have an independent role that is designed around how they might use us to their own advantage. Whatever a Narcissist seeks out to give themselves, they generally expect to get it from others instead of earning it – this is just part of the self-entitlement dimension that defines them as the perpetual victim. They are basic extortionists!

Just in their normal day to day conversations their flimsy or non-existent boundaries are so very apparent. Their undeveloped interpersonal skills and LACK of these boundaries compel them to dominate conversations, but somehow with charm and savvy that draw people to them. They seem powerful with their convictions and even very sure of themselves sharing intimate details about their life and even disclosing facts others would be more apt to withhold or be too embarrassed or humiliated to admit to. But they have no sense of shame, much less a filter or any restrictions to other people’s boundaries. But again there is no mechanism that registers right from wrong in their minds – that was deactivated when they gave up their real self – they truly are one huge void that is filled with LEARNED behaviors from observing us.

There is an insensitivity to how others might react to their words, and they are likely to blurt out things, or even boast about something that others can’t help but view as tasteless, demeaning, insulting, or otherwise offensive. I can remember during breakfast at my house my Narcissist blurting out that they were at a sex party the night before. Who says that to the person they are in a relationship with, or why would you say that? Of course this Narcissist said it was a joke (very inappropriate joke) – but between you and me, it wasn’t! Is it the truth coming out in their delusional way of dealing with things?

They might even brag about how they demeaned or bullied somebody, and expect whomever they are telling their compelling story to be impressed by their courage or cleverness, when in fact the person listening is more than likely appalled by their lack of kindness, insensitivity, tact, or restraint. Additionally, they may ask others questions that are far too personal or intimate, again irritating or upsetting them. They have a knack for throwing people out of their comfort zone, and such a situation can be particularly difficult for the other person if the Narcissist is in a position of authority over them so that not responding could, practically, put them in some jeopardy. Hopefully these examples can be helpful in enabling you to identify them before you fall into their trap.

In emotional/psychological or Narcissistic abuse the target/victim experiences constant and extreme fear, isolation and even terror over and over again, for many years. Then this behavior follows a sequence of events or the same pattern resulting in more confusion AND more managing down. It always starts out with that tension building up no matter how many eggshells you walk on. Then the target/ victim gets pulled into or caught in an explosive exchange with the Narcissist or that rage where you are silenced or punished and pushed into a corner feeling that immense pain over and over again and hopeless. You don’t even know what caused this latest attack. Have they left you for good or will they be back again, so you sit and wait for that call or text message. Finally it does come and maybe after three days of them being gone. This is then followed by a calmness or what you believe is a renewal and feelings of being loved again. Yes it is a renewal for you to subscribe to more of the abuse because they are back after betraying you once again and needing their 24/7 source of supply or ‘old faithful.’ Each time the process follows the same path of submission and reconciliation to alleviate the intense fear and loss that you felt from the isolation which further consolidates the attachment between the victim and being victimized. Who is feeling the pain here? Was there resolution to anything or have you just settled to alleviate the horrendous pain. Have you justified their behaviors in favor of them returning because you tell yourself that it will get better if you do this, that, and whatnot? What more could you do? What have you done wrong in the first place? How many times have you repeated this same exact cycle and WHY? Where is this love? Answer these questions realistically because by doing so you will save your own life from a total and devastating tragedy.

Because you are CONSTANTLY faced with this consistent form of manipulative devaluation or basic madness you become stuck or frozen like a frightened deer caught in a car’s headlights. You have been basically conditioned to accept the blame for fear of more rage and the abandonment a Narcissist issues as their punishment. You are unable or basically disabled from using your natural and inert ability of flight or fight and rendered helpless like that deer and eventually you may be completely struck down by that speeding car of the Narcissist. This is what trauma bonding is all about, or where you completely dissociate emotionally – this is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Ask yourself what happens as you are experiencing this extreme pain from the constant attacks and devaluation. You feel NUMB and block out the pain and basically freeze in the moment AND the many moments following. Then you buy into the fantasy that this will work itself out once more as you wait for that Narcissist to come back! Unfortunately it doesn’t work itself out because the rage episodes only continue and get more frequent. To quote Albert Einstein, “The definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting a different result.” Basically a Narcissist pushes you to the point of insanity! The relationship is built on fantasy, fake promises and a symbiotic relationship where the Narcissist is attached to you like a tick feeding off of you and poisoning you at the same time! The rage episodes became a regular and weekly thing in my relationship. The Narcissist was so careless with their out-of-control need for more and more supply that eventually the truth stood right there in front of me and I left! I saw a monster that got worse each and every day and I wasn’t sure what this person was capable of!

When a target/victim has been subjected to Narcissistic abuse, they display many of the same characteristics or symptoms of prisoners of war or what is called the Stockholm syndrome. Similarly Narcissists subject their targets/victims to psychological, emotional, and at times even physical terror. The target/victim that is being psychologically and emotionally terrorized by the Narcissist must somehow reconcile the situation to survive the unrelenting onslaught of the constant/consistent abuse, BUT it is done through submission, denial, and keeping the bond with them to feel safe. Trying to survive under these conditions, the target/victim is reduced to feeling this helplessness, vulnerability, and dependent on the Narcissist to resolve this. Is it the empathy and the emotions that keep us hanging on or perhaps our belief that there is goodness in all people and if we hang on it will change, or it is fear of more rage, punishment or abandonment? Yes and no but the truth we have to defer to is that the person administrating this type of behavior is abusive and has a personality disorder and they will not change their behavior, so it is up to us to move on and away from this behavior to survive. This is not just a cruel person this is a person that is a psychological terrorist that doesn’t care what we are feeling or what they do to us as long as they are surviving and flourishing with their agenda!

When we are faced with situations that involve fear or even extreme danger we turn to the nearest available source of comfort in order to regain a state of both psychological and physiologic rebalance. Unfortunately with this type of abuse the Narcissist has isolated us as part of the abuse. There are no loving arms to hug us or listening ears to console us only the manipulative Narcissist that has put us into this confused state of mind. That same abusive Narcissist who threatened and beat you into the ground, as well as backstabbed you, triangulated your friends and family away from you and put you in isolation – so who do you reach out to for comfort and to end the madness? The answer again, the very person that has manipulated you into this hideous situation – the Narcissist. What happens then is that the target/victim turns to their inherent and unconscious survival defense mechanisms, to basically survive their own demise from all of the negativity or becoming submissive to the abusers demands. When there is no other source of comfort available except for that cruel Narcissist we have to go to them because where else could we go. It is our natural survival that is ingrained in us to survive by finding the best resolution. We call this fight or flight – but we can’t fight because we are always at a loss by going that route because we only end up with more threats, pain and damage. As far as the flight – where do we fly off too when we have been isolated, disabled and controlled so much so that we are just frozen in time? Nature kicks in, that’s what happens, and the victim turns to their inbuilt unconscious survival defense mechanisms, because if they did not, they would be annihilated by their own vulnerability, fear and their own levels of negative arousal so we basically work on resolving the situation by bargaining with our abuser.

The target/victim of this abuse unconsciously surrenders themselves by repeating this behavior of submitting to the devaluation. Their reality changes in a manner that they organize their behaviors, actions, words, thoughts, and many other things around pleasing their abuser! This is how they survive living through the psychological manipulation to avoid the debilitating turmoil, fear, isolation and mind games. They are very vulnerable and caught in the cycle of the Narcissist’s abuse.

Your situation in reality was like a horrendous or hideous nightmare that you were trying your hardest to wake up from. Your pain was/is overwhelming and all-consuming right now as the truth reveals itself and you feel the sting of the immense betrayal. You must first internalize and suspend the belief that there was love or something you could have done to make this relationship work! In time and after you have moved forward with your recovery and gotten past the grief and trauma, made all the necessary improvements to re-build your self-esteem, THEN and only then will you come out of this. You absolutely can do this if you trust your inner strength to get you there. You MUST forget about this Narcissist and ruminating about the abuse or you will stay locked up in the confusion forever because there is no answer as to why they did this beside the fact that they are disordered and sadistic. No/minimal contact to start on this journey! Greg❤

Posted on October 16, 2015, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 31 Comments.

  1. I will be eternally grateful that I have found this site. Is there any way to message privately either here, or on the FB page?


  2. I am just coming out of a relationship with s man I have my all too. I am so hurt right now for everything that he had done, which I allowed myself to believe. I need help. I want him to hurt just as much as me but I know based on all the information provided that just just doesn’t matter. I am seeing a counsellor but I don’t think she understands the magnitude of my pain. I am trying so hard to move forward but I looking for signs from him that what we had was real and he stills cares. I feel like no one understands my pain. I know there is many women on her who do. So hard

    Liked by 1 person

    • Understand that you are worthy of happiness and that you have value beyond this relationship.
      There is an innate strength deep inside of you that the NPD person in your life could never gain access to or destroy-ever. If you didn’t have this internal strength the the narc wouldn’t have worked so hard to destroy you.
      If you want to get back at him then make a vow to yourself to live the life that you deserve- but better. You are now armed with the information you need to never experience this again. You are now a little less naive and more self aware. Begin putting back together the pieces of your life. Relearn who you are and what holds value to you. Regain and rebuild your strength and self reliance. You have to do this because if you don’t he ultimately he wins. You cannot let that happen.


    • Hi i can relate to exactly what it is you are feeling and going through,especially the bit that you keep on hoping that he will somewhat come to his senses and reach out by apologising.
      In my case it was really traumatic,after 4 years, 2 of living together, i was emotionally and verbally abused,and just like that,last month he gave me the silent treatment for 2 weeks,when i called to check up on him,he dumped me brutally on phone and proceeded to do it on text.
      N finally it led me to dysfunctional shock and trauma,i begged him 2 days on a row, crying and in disbelief for him to take me back,all i got was verbal,emotional and physical abuse.
      He told me he didn’t want me in his life,and chased me out of his house at 1am, with my clothes which he tossed in a trash bag and handed it to me.i had to sleep in cab as i had nowhere else to go.its been 28 days since i last had from him,no apology, nothing at all from him.
      I have and i am still trying so hard to avoid contact by all kills me, i have contemplated suicide coz of the reeling pain, but God somehow has managed to keep me put.
      We should support each other in this horrific and seemingly impossible moment


  3. Trusting inner strength is of utmost importance & I appreciate your post! I met a man who’s been living a nightmare & finally, I had to stop helping him due to bizarre mind boggling total mind control as sex slave by (as you put well!), continuing the cycle of submission which has him totally confused & beyond my wildest imagination violated to extreme humiliated & degraded lack of any quality of life I never want to see again!
    The master manipulator torturor is sub-human sucking through any terrorizing means possible & lacks all empathy resembling human form of soul!
    It’s horrific to imagine the submissiv lack of sense of self due to the ritualistic techniques of torture administered!!! I wish anyone best of luck & pray that one day someone can provide help to poor people who don’t know tyere’s a lite at end of tunnel!


  4. Wow thanks! I have just escaped an 18 year marriage (23 year relationship)to a Narcissist. Your article is very informative. This quote sums up my marriage
    “There are no loving arms to hug us or listening ears to console us only the manipulative Narcissist that put us into this confused state of mind.”
    I am working hard to break the energy and conditioning placed on me over the years. It’s an emotional process for sure. I hope to help others in this situation one day as well.
    Thanks for your words!


  5. I wish you the best of luck. I have come to realize that my hubby is a narcissist, as is his whole family.
    I too, have held many, many jobs. I have narcissist friends. He has narcissist friends. It is a nightmare.
    My family of origin is pathologically narcissistic. Growing up was a nightmare…no fun or joy…nada…never.

    A psychopath got control of me at the age of 9. Unfortunately, she was in my 4th grade class and graduated from high school with me…no break from it. It was horrible.

    And yet I survived. Plenty of others have popped up in my life…on jobs mostly. They know exactly who to target.

    I hit the road in 1975, in my trusted Toyota Corona. Right across Canada, into the Wild. I was not Chris McCandless, or the girl played by Reese Witherspoon in ‘Wild’. But I moved around a lot, worked in a mine, met Inuit and Indian people…saw mountains that reach to Heaven, great whorls of Northern Lights…canoed down mighty rivers. No one, nada, not one single person could ever follow in my tracks (but I know many wish they could).

    You CAN and MUST find a unique path that belongs to you alone. And write about it, as writing is a great catharsis. And develop a quick wit and ‘lightning’ humor to dispel any grief that these sick individuals try to infuse into you. Shock them. Tempt them, and then pull the rug right out from under them. Of course, some are very dangerous, so you DO have to be careful…but you will figure out who to say what to…and enhance your persona at the same time.

    Good Luck! And think of those intrepid people, like McCandless, who did not give a ‘red rat’s ass’ what anyone thought about them.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I recently heard you as a guest on Mental Health News Radio and had to visit your site to leave a comment. You explained so eloquently exactly how I’ve felt in my marriage of 17 years, that is now ending because of serial cheating. I’ve always considered myself a person who tries to take responsibility for my actions and understand what role I played… yet upon examination of the facts in my marriage I feel that though I was never perfect, I actually tried to make my marriage work. I have stacks of relationship books, while my spouse has none. I tried changing, I tried setting limits, I tried setting aside the little things, “I tried” being the key word. I feel like I was always trying, somewhat like a puppet on a string, always trying to anticipate what move my spouse would want me to make. Somehow all that I have been through in this marriage has been twisted and somehow used against me. It makes my mind spin, and I frequently thought I may be loosing my mind. I ended up seeking therapy for myself because I thought there must be something wrong with me. I am not qualified to diagnose my spouse as a narcissist, but I can tell you that he certainly behaves like someone who only cares about himself. I don’t get how someones own bad behavior can be justified by something that isn’t even in the realm of compatibility. Example: I cheated on you because you didn’t greet me at the door like the dog does. I lied to you because you want to know too much. And my all time favorite, “I need you to need me, but you’re too needy.” Trying to understand the justifications and rationalizations of someone who is only about themselves will make you crazy.


  7. Hi there. I have been ” waking up” from my N relationship for the past three months. I am on Day 37 of full on NC. (Ironically my N’s initials also are ” NC”…whatever). Your post/article has helped me yet again. I first bookmarked this site about a month ago and as you can well imagine, have researched absolutely everything available online as I progress. You make some great points and reinforce some of the things I needed to hear today. Specifically, it was NEVER love….though I am feeling the loss of that “love”. I know for a fact that there have always been other suppliers during my 4 year relationship with my N…..and as I get greater perspective, I remember things she said, alluded to, insinuated, and literally threw in my face….to MAKE ME realize she had others.
    I chose to ignore these warnings….thinking I was ” the one”….why ? Because she told me that I was. Crazy. She did an awesome job of ” managing down my expectations”…to the point that she could do whatever she wanted…disappear for hours/days… accountability….proactively hurt me, humiliate me, play her triangulation games….and then throw me a crumb and I would be ECSTATIC….life was good again!!!

    OMG…if you knew me…..or if I told certain people that know me very well what I had allowed myself to be put through….and how I ALLOWED/EMPOWERED someone to treat me this way….they would say ” Dude…WTF ? Are you kidding me ?”
    Suffice to say….I know I deserve more…..dramatically so. My N has countered my NC by ignoring me….as I have trained her that I always come back. As co workers, she is bound to bump into me in the office soon….and I suspect she is thinking ” as soon as I see him again…he’ll be right back where he belongs”. Not this time my friends…..not this time.
    I am done…I am out. When I have weak moments and miss ” the good”…I remember specific things said/done intentionally to hurt me…..and that NONE of it was real.
    Blogs like this help me …so thanks.
    Stay strong my friends…..


  8. You understand. Thank you x


  9. My 36 year old daughter is my NA. Over the past 15 years or so she has lived with us off and on (mostly on) with her 2 children who are now 15f and 3m, as she attempted and failed over and over to launch a life of her own with the kids. I highly suspected myself of “enabling” her, that what she really needed was a big dose of ‘sink or swim’. But, with the Grandkids in tow, I couldn’t have her sinking. I see now that that was the main way she kept me under her thumb. I knew she knew she had me by the short hairs because of the close bond I have with the Grands. I have only very recently come to understand what was happening to me as Narcissistic Abuse. I would defend myself from time to time when feeling persecuted; but, whenever I dared to do such a thing she, typically, flew into a rage at me; throwing irrelevant insults and accusations that had no real meat to them. I’d ask her for something substantial to illustrate how I have let her down or wronged her, and she couldn’t; only offering more language intended to wound me at the soul level, not intended to heal our rift…cruelty… the kinds of words that can’t be taken back. And then she would take the grands and leave. Typical. I’d want to run after begging, promising to … to what??? Be a better doormat?! I’d still want to chase after. I’d text/call her pleading to understand why she was so down on me, but her response was always just more of the same cruelty and useless criticisms that left me no avenue for amends. Then I’d wait, hoping she would cool off and recant, maybe even apologize. I would (stupidly) forgive her treatment of me in a heartbeat if it meant I could know the Grandkids were ok… and that we could still forge ahead as family. This scenario would play out over and over for many years: the blow-up, the bolting, the attempted launch, the fail, and the return to us to start the cycle again. But, last time, something changed. It was a bad blow-up; so destructive and hurtful. I was reaching the breaking point emotionally, psychologically, etc.. But, I didn’t pursue her for reconciliation. I decided I was going to stand my ground. I went to a Psychologist for the first time in my life, and gained much there. I started researching. I found out about NPD. I am now doing No Contact. It’s hard for me, but made easier because she wants No Contact with me either now that I am refusing to supply her. She has, predictably, been conducting herself to fit the pattern of a narcissist whose supply has been cut off. She has found new supplies. My 15f granddaughter has runaway from her due to the NA she also has been living with, and is living with us now. My NA daughter refuses us any visitation with our grandson, but his father who has 50/50 custody allows us access to him. I can live with this. I feel like a shadow of my former self, but I believe I can heal enough to learn how to maintain my boundaries so I don’t get reeled in anymore. Sorry this is so long, and thanks for listening.


  10. Hi. Could you email me?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Thank you. I’ve been away for 6 months now after 28 years of these cycles, until I have become a shell. A prop in my popular abusers life. Flying monkeys are everywhere, but I am getting stronger. Have been confused as to why I may be wrong or pulled back to his seeming mea culpa….. I needed this today. Thank you!


  12. This is the sum total of my relationship with my wife of 12 years, as of this November. As her husband, I am an object, a possession, and everything I do is critiqued and monitored constantly. My life has been a nightmare. In addition, I have discovered that I am an empath which makes my wife and I a match made in hell.
    In the last year and a half I’ve discovered and educated myself on “Narcissists” and their tactics. According to my research my wife would classify as a textbook narcissist. She is what I would call a “public success and a private failure”. She has a public persona that is polite, professional and cordial but is the exact opposite in private.
    I was beginning to lose my mind due to the constant arguing, control and criticism. Nothing I did was ever good enough to her. Any pursuits of normal independence, like spending my own money, having my own friends, pursuing old hobbies, were all frowned upon. The constant stress has taken a toll on me. I believe that I do suffer from C-PTSD. Prior to my wife and I meeting, I held the same job for 13 years but have had 18 (no exaggeration) in the past 12 years of our marriage. Of course, she feels that this fact is unrelated to the stress associated with me being married to her.
    I now realize that she has a mental illness and it is not my responsibility to fix her. She has to want to fix herself but even then the odds are slim. Every article I’ve read says to get out of the relationship as fast as you can and stay out.
    I have now embraced the reality that she will not change and that divorce is eminent. We have 2 kids together and it definitely complicates matters. I have to leave for my sanity and for the welfare of my kids. My kids need some stability. She can’t see how she’s negatively affecting our kids by raising them in such a dysfunctional environment. In my heart I’ve always known that this was the right decision but I always told myself that things would improve. I know now that my thinking was flawed and delusional. I have grown as an individual from this experience. I have learned to fight for my independence but the constant struggle of staying married really isn’t worth it. I can look back in retrospect at how much time and energy was wasted arguing about insignificant things; the negative impact on my kids; and opportunities lost and it just is not worth it. I leave this relationship having to put the pieces of my life back together. I no longer have the optimism for life I once did prior to meeting my wife(dissonance). I have to rebuild myself as a person from the ground up. It will be difficult but I have to do this for myself and my kids. Wish me luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am right there with you. 15 years with a textbook narcissist, a textbook sociopath. Even as I write this I still question whether it wasn’t him, if it was me like he says and has always said.
      Having my son with him makes it harder. He is now turning the manipulation on him and it breaks my heart. I can only hope my love will win out with my 7 year old.
      I wish you the best. Know that you are not alone.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Is it possible to be a man with a female narcissist who is not that intelligent, so the narcissistic behavior comes out in pure passive aggression? This man is very confident so isn’t the typical victim; however he is still stuck in the relationship/ delusion that he must stay for the sake of his family.


  14. Sorry, if this is long. I am still struggling badly with this. What was I dealing with???

    I met him over the internet and he is from another country (both of us in Europe though). We talked about travelling and I told him how I would like to visit the area he lives and he quickly told me to jump in a plane and visit him there, which I thought was weird at such an early stage. Anyway, we started talking on Skype and this was in February. He told me he had a long distance relationship (gf) with someone in another continent and that they had met twice only. He said they fight all the time and break up every day and that he hates make-up and that he fought with gf every day over her wearing make-up. I really thought this gf wasn’t serious and that perhaps he was making up he had a gf in order for me not to get too attached to him. All this sounded strange to me. He told me he was a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable and he said he had met his “gf” last October. Over Xmas he was with her too and only in January he flew to another country to have sex with a woman. Then, the gf visited him in March and to cut the story short, he flew to me in April just for the 1 day. At the start, I didn’t give it much importance, as I didn’t really want anything serious with him. After he left he told me he was really happy he met me, that he was really happy I was the way I was and that he basically had a great time. Only the next day we talked on Skype and we agreed I would go over to his country to meet him in 6 weeks’ time. Thing is he only wants to spend 36 hours maximum with me because he says he has other things to do and to call his gf because otherwise she gets suspicious if he is missing for too long. This was unacceptable but as it was only the second time we met I thought not to give it much thought as I thought he perhaps wanted to know me slowly and not to spend too much time at the start. He seemed happy that he was going to see me again but weeks before I flew over he started to hang up on me on Skype whenever I said something he didn’t want to talk about. I asked him what he thought of me and he always answered that he doesn’t like me fishing for compliments. He started to give me time limits to talk on Skype, sometimes he would count down and then he would hang up on me. He would tell me I needed to structure my talk and talk about interesting things. One day he told me he gave me 4 minutes to talk and at minute 3.30 he hung up. Then he said that I didn’t know how to use the time he gave me and that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn’t give me more next time. It became all really nasty, basically.

    I had already bought my air ticket and anyway I was about to cancel it but I flew over. It was only for 36 hours that we met and the day I was leaving I asked him if we would see each other again. He said he didn’t know and then took me to the airport. I was there saying good bye and he was just there for 5 minutes and I wanted him to stay a bit longer till I left. He got really angry, he looked at my face in such a cold way and told me I was being very clingy and that it was over forever, that we would never talk again. I was so shocked so traumatized. Then he walked away and didn’t even look back.

    When I arrived he asked if I had arrived safely and we talked on Skype but he still said it was over. He told me that I spoilt things while I was there, that it was my fault. He said I made him run away, that how I could be so clingy at the airport, he said that I made him pay 3 Euros for parking at the airport when he wanted to go quickly. He constantly told me to change myself, he said how I could undermine his authority, whenever I asked when we could talk he says that he doesn’t know, not now, not today. He blocked me several times on whatsapp and Skype. He many times told me I am ignorant, a bad listener or that I have bad memory. When I ask questions that don’t suit him he tells me to change topic. He even said I had to make an appointment to talk to him.
    Then anyway, we got back talking and so many times when he is not available to talk he tells me that he wasn’t answering because he was having sex with such and such. Even a weekend after me visiting him he told me how he brought another woman to his house and he was doing with her the same things he did with me. Recently, I texted him one day and he said he was driving and that he was *f a girl in another country.

    And now, I visited him a third time in his country (and last time for me) because 36 hours is all he offers me and now he even says that it can’t be 2 nights but only one (and this is considering I fly from one country to another spending at least 400/500 Euros for 36 hours). I touched him with a packet of paper tissues on his head and he got really angry, he told me I have no empathy and that I am crazy, that that was really bad and that he is so sensitive to noise. I couldn’t believe the way he was reacting plus I told him I didn’t know that about him so it is not like I did it on purpose. He said that the fact I didn’t do it on purpose was irrelevant and that anyone would get annoyed by something like that. I was trying to rationalise with him till he said that then in order for me to understand he would have to beat me. Hours later we went to the mountains and he was holding my hand and hugging me and looking at me as if there were feelings somehow.
    Whenever I ask if we will talk he says that maybe, no guarantee or that we will but that he could be wrong. He is always the one who makes the call. Whenever I call him he doesn’t answer. I said to him to call me sometime and he said “only when I want to!” I asked why I can never call him and he said that I can but then when I asked why he never answers when I call he says “because I didn’t want to”. And then he said “appreciate it, that I call you”
    Well, there are so many things he has told me that it is unreal and I don’t know what to think anymore.

    I always saw he is manipulative, etc but the “beating me” part, that really scared me. I saw another side of him I never thought I would.

    While I was there with him this last time there was a time when he grabbed me in a rough way, I told him he was hurting me and to stop but he didn’t. He had sex with me at that time and I didn’t feel well about it. I was thinking for myself that that felt a bit like being forced somehow. Coincidentally, the next morning he brought up (out of the blue) the topic of raping. My brother in law had called him months before to tell him that the way he was treating wasn’t right and this guy told me that morning (after grabbing me roughly the night before) that my brother in law had accused him of raping women. I was shocked because I know my brother in law never said this to him and what a coincidence! he brings that up after the previous night I sort of felt that way.

    Ok, then, one of these days he told me to watch the scene of Maleficient movie where Angelina Jolie’s wings are cutt off. He said: “mind, I didn’t cut your wings off”. I hadn’t watched the movie and didn’t have a clue what this was about and then I read on google that the movie actually is about abuse and that particular scene is a metaphor for rape. I have no clue what he is trying to tell me but he clearly said he didn’t cut off my wings.

    Then, 5 weeks ago we were sending some messages on whatsapp and he basically told me that he won’t meet me again, that it was out of the question because I push him out of his comfort zone and I interfere with his social network. I was so hurt at the cold way he was talking to me plus he had said something I didn’t understand and he told me I was illiterate, stupid and dead slow on the uptake. He also told me I am useless. At that moment I went and I told him that he might not meet again because I interfere with his whores but that I won’t meet him again because I don’t meet beaters. Straight away he blocked me on whatsapp and Skype and that is how it is now. He has blocked me in the past too and then he unblocked me, I suppose because I was after him. I have no clue what will happen anymore but I have the feeling I am blocked for good now although it is strange because although I am blocked on Skype he still has me on his contact list.

    I must add one thing that came into my mind now. At the start of our talks at the very beginning he once told me I was going to get addicted to him and at another point he told I was addicted to him but that I just didn’t know it yet.

    Up to now I was blocked on Skype but he still had me on his contact list. Yesterday I happened to send a message to him saying “Why am I on Skype?”. I didn’t want to tell him directly that I knew he had me on his contact list still so I kind of threw that question which is ambiguous in a way. I don’t know if that is the reason or what but suddenly yesterday he deleted me from his contacts too. I am so heart broken. I always thought that by having me blocked but still on his list there was still a chance that some day he would write to me again the same way he had done before when he had blocked me in the past. Only thing is that now he has had me blocked for nearly 2 months whereas in the past it was maximum 6/7 days. Now, by deleting me too it is even more clear how he will never be back. I couldn’t sleep all night and I am just so so very sad.


  15. Great article! It took me two years to make the decision that l had to end it once and forever. I have been stydying a lot during these two years and l have always known it was harmful for me to stay in The relationship. I tired to get out many times but always got stuck. I Came to a point which goes back to 2 weeks ago that l really felt like bringing up thinking of past time and the big lies, the horrible abuse, his taking advantage of the generosity of my feelings and kindness. I told him it was over. He wanted to be friends (which of course was not what l wanted. I just wanted to burn bridges and move on). The day after, there he was again telling me he dreamt of me and us making love. Thats it!!! The mere evidence he was trying to hoover me and get me hooked in again.

    I didn’t Fall for it! I’m on my way to recovery and want nothing to do with him any more. Im sure he Will find a way to get in touch in The future (l have blocked his number on my cell phone ). But l am good now. I am building mental boundaries and lm loving my peace of mind. He was my affair partner. …never before had l betrayed my husband or even thought l might have. I feel lm getting back home and Yes, lm going cold turkey on this vampire. Thanks for reading my coment. I just wanted to thank you Greg for your article.


  16. My personality my soul was completely destroyed by my covert narcissist daughter and it’s taking a long time to recover I am severely disabled elderly and infirm I live alone is there anywhere I can get help? . Advice on how to get rid of her influence?. Thank you.


  17. Nice article thanks for posting, all of it true after 6 years of living it with a female narc.


  18. maybesomedayitwonthurt

    mine beat me up, after months of being told how terrible I was, how no other man would ever want me, how they would be disgusted if they saw me naked…I cheated, someone thought I was pretty, was a nice person..and I did a very stupid regretful thing…and I never told my N, but he had been stalking me, watching me…and he found out, the night he confronted me, I came clean with him…and he attacked me,all the while telling me how much he hated me, how he was disgusted by having sex with me made him sick, and I was why he could not get or stay hard…he wanted sex the night he beat me up…took me into the other room, had sex with me, then proceeded to ask me if I really thought things were ok now….I never saw it coming, never dreamed he would hit me, let alone punch me, choke me, kick me…it went on and on, and the next morning he again attacked me in the shower, beat me with a wet towel,,then that night threatened to do worse if I didn’t tell him more of the truth..what he said was more..when there was nothing to tell…..and now there is a PFA and multiple charges against him, and then all of a sudden he was in love with me, he could get past it, that he wanted to marry me,,all I had to do was do everything he said from now on, that he was the only man that could ever love me the way he does, and he never wants to lose me…all I needed t do was lie to the police…see I called them after my daughter told me how afraid she was of finding me dead one day……and yet still I miss him,love him…why???? I think back over the years and it really makes me sick thinking of all that happened, the hateful, disgusting things he said to me, called me…and I know he has been unfaithful many times, yet he denied it…he twists everything around…every word I ever said, that is when I talked…if I did I was stupid and unable to have an intelligent conversation, and if I didn’t he would be mad saying that I obviously must want someone else…now I sit here at home, alone, scared, devastated, knowing that it is because of what I did that he got so mad…while he is out, on dating sites, sleeping with another woman..or multiple women, telling them all the sweet things he once told me, being so loving and affectionate with them…making love to them as he and I once did..I really believe now he has been screwing around all along, too many things now show me that.. I believe he beat me up because I did what he has always been doing,,it is perfectly ok for him, but I destroyed everything because I was stupid once…how do I heal??? how do I ever recover, move on with my life..when I don’t even know who I am…was it me, was anything real..or am I that stupid that I thought it all was?????


  19. Brilliant post. It really expresses so much of what goes on, I really related to the paragraph which explains how they have an outburst then leave you for three or more days wondering what the hell went on and if they will ever call. If you have had abandoning experiences in your own childhood this will trigger very deep pain and fear and desperate attempts to sort it out with them, which they will never do. I remember feeling quiet sick after one of these cut offs when we got back together. It took me some time to see how I had surrendered my own reality and power to the narc. It is the worst nightmare and recovering takes years. Thanks for expressing so well what it is like.


  20. Greg, WOW you so nailed it. It was a great article and so heartbreaking for me to read, as I am still suffering through my recovery. Your article is basically what I’ve already learned after months of reading up on the subject and interacting with other victims on recovery websites. But it is a welcome addition to my “knowledge and awareness bank!” You have an incredible grasp on what makes these monsters tick.

    I want so badly for my X to be exposed. He immediately moved on to his next victim after the final, brutal discard. I suffer from self-doubt that he is what I think he is – and yet everything I’ve read points to what I experienced. I know that I’ve probably been smeared as well, and that bothers me a lot too. I have fantasies about his new relationship blowing up in his face, but I realize I may never know if Karma bites him in the A**. I just want this pain to end. I want to heal and get back to normal again. I want my memory erased of this nightmare and of him. It just seems to be taking so long.

    Thank you for sharing your knowledge and insight.


  21. I am 59 & have been divorced with “no contact” for almost a year after a 35 year relationship with my Narcissist ex-wife. With help, I have tied up many of the loose ends. Still, I find your posts riveting. Having felt so lost for so many years, your words are like an oasis in the desert to a man thirsty for understanding.

    I fundamentally believe that knowledge and understanding are required for personal growth and I suppose, recovery from emotional abuse. I believe I have accepted the truth about what happened in my life. How will I know when I have recovered enough to ask what, if anything, there is for me after recovery? I worry about being fooled again; hurt again and whether I would recognize real love at all?


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