Intuition – that voice that we heard in our heads but never acknowledged as fully as we should have and WHY?
Does this scenario sound familiar to you?
I became so discombobulated in this abstract and distorted world with my Narcissist because I had no real sense that I was with a personality disordered individual – targets/victims never do. This all didn’t happen overnight, it was post ‘love bombing’ so I totally missed the biggest part of the manipulation or the fake love BECAUSE that was the seamless trap a Narcissist uses. So after the trap was set and I was caught up in the vast array of the positive loving manipulations (love bombing) I just traveled down the normal road of creating and growing in a relationship with what I believed was a ‘normal,’ loving and deserving person. I know that it is relevant to say that there were these ‘red flags’ waving all along but I have to say they were not as bright and red as so many relate to this abuse or better yet there in the very beginning. Let’s just say they were light pink because the Narcissist bleached those ‘red flag’ scenarios out with compensatory arguments, lies and more manipulation. Or better yet what I call ‘mental filters’ that Narcissists install in our hearts and minds to divert us from seeing the truth! Love bombing is the first and biggest ‘mental filter’ that the Narcissist puts in place and utilizes to its fullest advantage to open the doors to our mind and heart to gain our undying love and trust. It is hard to imagine that a predator (Narcissist) would use fake love to lure targets/victims into their world BUT that is the trap they set and that is to conquer us through our emotions first! They are shrewd creatures and they have more mental filters that they keep installing into our minds throughout the whole cycle of abuse and basically to manage us down and disable our reality.
So pushing forward to the ‘post love bombing’ or the devaluation. YES I was blind sighted and walking on those proverbial eggshells and worrying about what I said or if I was behaving the right way to avoid feeling more desperation from all of the crazy arguments AND warding off the possibility of another verbal attack. But I was conditioned and managed down and really wasn’t an individual by any means, I was just an audience, scapegoat, AND servant to this Narcissist’s crazy making, chaos, and delusions. The Narcissist was so methodical with manipulation and control and always dangling that love over me by throwing me a little bone once in a while and YES usually something so small and insignificant, but I would get exhilarated once again, thinking that this Narcissist thought a little about me and trying with ANY small gesture or token because IT WAS SOMETHING! This is what manipulative conditioning and managing down is all about! Remember that ‘love bombing’ trapped us all into this abuse, and we invested time into what appeared to be REAL love. I had experience with real love and relationships and I was blind sighted by the seamless job this Narcissist did with the ‘love bombing’ and believed it was as real as my other positive experiences from past relationships. It wasn’t desperation it was a small glimmer of hope that just maybe there was the promise of achieving or better yet reigniting a cohesiveness in the relationship – this is what people do in normal relationships – work things out. What I was overlooking and justifying became my abuse and that is what I am going to try to explain in realistic words to educate.
I didn’t realize that I was being conned and manipulated so seamlessly and losing my ability to see the reality of the situation. The more I tried, and the more empathy I poured out to this Narcissist the more I fed and enabled the psychological abuse, and every day was only disabling my reality and creating cognitive dissonance. There was no instruction manual that came with this creature or a sign that said this was a malignant Narcissist, but something ALWAYS felt wrong and I could never put my finger directly on it. I just really couldn’t get any headway in trying to solve the many issues that seemed to constantly surround this relationship. Issues piled up layer upon layer with no time in between to solve any of them and it became an insurmountable feat or that huge maze and I was lost. A Narcissist surrounds you with so many lies, diversions, manipulation, betrayal, etc., that you are caught in a maze of total confusion where there is absolutely no way out. Furthermore you are not even aware that you are in this destructive maze! In time this scenario only got worse as if this Narcissist took extreme pleasure in torturing me, punishing me, taunting me, and just being intentionally cruel. This creature knew exactly what they were doing. Then there were the LIES – so many of them that now (many years later) I believe that EVERYTHING out of this Narcissist’s mouth was a lie!
Normal love is a strong emotion that we build up to, but once there we hand our heart AND our trust over unconditionally to this person because usually they reciprocate in the same manner and that is what starts the journey, but with a Narcissist it is a death sentence. Everybody pursues a relationship at some point in their life because it is part of the human condition and normally we can identify the ‘jerks’ but a Narcissist is a predator and seamless with their game and pursuit and the ‘love bombing’ is the bait they use to be successful in making us a source of supply. This is not being foolish, allowing this abuse, wanting it, being weak or any of the above – it was horrendous manipulation at the hands of a ‘not fully functioning human being’ that had an agenda AND still does. Remember a Narcissist’s survival is dependent on finding constant sources of supply and really a matter of life and death as far as they are concerned. It is like going to a doctor to have surgery, and you just trust that this really is a doctor that will have your best interests and health in mind. You have met the doctor, the doctor has been part of your community and seems functional, so you go through with the surgery because you believe this doctor is REAL. Narcissist usually come across as functioning and ‘normal’ people too and you would think that the world would know what a fraud they really are, but the Narcissist carefully keeps their past well hidden. I did realize the truth of my situation, but what conspired between the love bombing and when I finally figured out the truth was dehumanizing and disabling psychological abuse. Giving a Narcissist credit that they are NOT cognitive of their actions is like enabling any other criminal that has acted out against the law and dehumanized another person with their actions. Narcissists are psychological rapists pure and simple and they need to be made accountable for their crimes!
I was losing myself, but I was also frozen because I didn’t have the emotional or psychological strength to pull myself out of this terrible fog, almost as if I was hypnotized or overtaken by something and I felt so much pain and anguish, and I just wanted to fix myself and get out! This was also very unfamiliar ground to me because I had zero past experience with abuse or a Narcissist. So I had to personally assess my own situation and MY mental clarity because I sensed something was terribly wrong AND I was being told that I had the issues by somebody that supposedly loved me. My love bombing lasted for ALMOST 2 years until I discovered that this Narcissist was having an ongoing affair or perhaps a second relationship (in reality one of MANY!) That discovery sent the relationship spiraling right into the devaluation phase because I wounded this Narcissist and made them look at themselves in the light of the truth! Narcissists can’t associate with how damaged they are so I signed my own death sentence right then and there because I uncovered the truth and was now going to be punished AND destroyed for that. My Narcissist vehemently denied this ongoing affair and said it was my VIVID imagination and part of my obsession, jealousy, as well as this so called ‘mental illness’ I had. So I looked inward and believed that I must of had some of these issues, and all I did was enabled more of the psychological abuse. BINGO the Narcissist installed another mental filter that redirected my thought processes to accept the hideous lies and force the distorted blame into my mind like I was mentally ill. NO I wasn’t weak or mentally ill or anything, I was overtaken by this maze of confusion and got lost, AND this was after years of knowing this person as well as preceded by many years of prior manipulation by this Narcissist. This is classic abuse with the gas-lighting, betrayal, lies, manipulation and projection directed right at the target/victim.
I could feel and even predict what would happen all the time (being devalued,) because it just became a GIVEN and somehow the norm that I was accepting. Perhaps I had some distorted hope that things would change or whatever, but I was caught in the spider’s web like so many other targets/victims and I was looking for viable solutions or basically surviving. Prisoners and hostages have been subjected to this type of covert/overt psychological abuse and the phenomena is called Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding. It is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors.
For me it was like brain washing with the central theme of always being blamed, managed down, and mentally disabled – and for everything. In time I couldn’t even recognize my individuality because I was always told I had to be a certain way or punished because of my actions or words and the constant association that I had some sort of mental illness. It was like this Narcissist was transforming me and pulling me into their dark, perverted, delusional, and sick world AND basically that is what they are doing! A Narcissist will also backstab their targets and convince family, friends and co-workers that you have issues and they will even pull these people into the equation – a Narcissist has no qualms about destroying entire families. SO out of concern these people may come to you because of the Narcissist’s backstabbing and offer some sort of care, or they may pull totally away from you. BUT it basically isolates you and distorts your reality when the Narcissist creates these wedges and then says to you – “so and so agrees and they don’t want to have anything to do with you!” “I am only trying to help you and make you aware of these issues because I love you and want you to change for the betterment of the relationship!” A Narcissist is VERY adept at gathering familiar information you have confided in them, embellishing it with lies, and then turning it around and against you. Where does your head go when a Narcissist is your life coach AND life partner? Luckily I went to a therapist and asked to be tested to see if I was bi-polar, borderline, depressed, etc., and luckily this is what set me straight because this therapist was trained enough to ask me WHY I was asking to be tested and the words that saved my life came up in the conversation – “I believe that you are in an abusive relationship and perhaps with a Narcissist and this is emotional/psychological abuse!” This is why a Narcissist is so damaging in any and every relationship, because they push people to question their own sanity!
Through the devaluation I evolved to use my silence as a solution to thwart off this Narcissist’s constant rage and brainwashing, but in reality there was no alternative because these monsters are relentless. There were never situations, words, nor actions that originated from me or my personality that were harmful to my Narcissist (as I was manipulated into believing.) It was purely projection from the Narcissist and I was a psychological scapegoat. Furthermore If I ever attempted to discuss anything or better yet had an opinion about what I perceived were real issues concerning the distress I was feeling, my Narcissist claimed that THEY didn’t know anything was wrong, didn’t know what I meant, I was overreacting, or misinterpreting what THEY said, I was insecure, perhaps I was jealous, had issues I needed to work on, etc., turning everything back onto me. That confusing and never ending maze again! BUT why was I always being reprimanded for everything? I never experienced such disdain from anybody like I did with this person (my Narcissist!) It was the slow and subtle insidious day by day managing down that impaired my vision and reality and basically disabled my ability to reason out that this relationship was purely toxic and destructive. I was always answering to accusations that were purely delusional and created by this creature and again projection. This Narcissist was also taunting me with more and more betrayal with other supply (on the side) – not actually admitting to the many affairs or supply but being more and more unavailable and frequenting many local sexual online sites that I could access. Knowing that this bothered me the Narcissist was going to make sure to punish me and use this to hurt me more (the betrayal and affairs!) Remember I wounded this Narcissist by confronting them with the truth about the many other sources of supply and the Narcissist’s reality was being reflected BACK onto them. This Narcissist was a sexual deviant, addict, or better yet derelict and always was this way in every relationship and still is. It is just natural to this Narcissist, but how could I have been fooled so completely?
A Narcissist can do what they do seamlessly and with such ease, BUT we must remember that in our ‘normal’ world we could never overtly abuse a person we love or even come close to understanding it, and unfortunately we relate to them through our healthy thoughts instead of seeing the reality of what they are. A Narcissist does not love anything or anybody, they envy and despise life and people that ARE normal. Just being a real or normal person is reason enough for a Narcissist to hate us. BUT they need us and that compounds their hate because they can’t feel any sort of dependence on anybody because it shows how weak and fragile they actually are. They need that 24/7 babysitter to have regular supply and that is our job when they select us, but it doesn’t inhibit or distract them from securing other supply. People are objects that they will easily abuse, dispose of, and destroy if they do not serve the Narcissist as perfect supply – even their own biological children. Objects do not question they only perform a specific function. What is abuse to a Narcissist – our individualism and they fight it tooth and nail! Complete control of an individual is what a relationship is to a Narcissist!
YES, my intuition was always on high alert because of so many situations that just didn’t make any sense. It could be anything but whatever came out of this Narcissist’s mouth never made sense nor could I make a normal connection to a ‘realistic truth’ in any of my Narcissist’s words. Again this is psychological rape through that maze of confusion and the many mental filters they create for us. BUT fortunately, it is what saved me in the end (the truth!) Trying to understand the stories this Narcissist would use to explain situations was like traveling through that complicated maze once again – there was no real direction, just mass confusion and running into walls at every turn! Most of the time it was about situations concerning accountability and numerous sexual encounters on the side (supply,) something that I learned was a pattern in this creatures past relationships and still is today.
My Narcissist would always say they were doing something (the cover-up) but the ‘little’ inconsistencies were always pointing to a huge lie. Some examples: When I say the little inconsistencies it WOULD be something small but concrete where this Narcissist would say they were at a restaurant with friends but I knew that this restaurant was closed on that particular night AND this Narcissist had no REAL friends that I knew of the many years that I was involved in this relationship (well except for mine!) If I would mention this fact, my Narcissist would seamlessly switch to another lie saying they FORGOT it was closed and actually they ate at another restaurant (and of course the rage!) You don’t forget that a restaurant was closed and you went to another restaurant. Or another incredulous story where this Narcissist was running late by hours (and sick the night before so we had to cancel) and the reason for being late, my Narcissist took their Mom out to eat and after 2 ½ hours the food still wasn’t delivered to the table – seriously? I called my Narcissist’s mother’s house and she answered the phone. When I told this to my Narcissist a new lie was plugged into the story to divert the truth once again AND I was called crazy because I made this call. Supposedly it was my Narcissist’s sister that answered the phone and she sounds exactly like my Narcissist’s mother. Unfortunately the sister lives a couple hours away and wasn’t visiting. In actuality it was proof in one way, but could someone be that forgetful about a restaurant that was in reality closed in the first example or that dumb to sit and wait that long for a meal in the second example? There will literally hundreds of the same type of stories that were most likely just more cover-ups. There it is again that maze of confusion! Plus I would be raged at for bringing up a question or the truth as I mentioned in the restaurant examples and called jealous, obsessed, etc. No, it is not a sign of jealousy or obsession because you question a person that really never walks the straight and narrow path of telling the TRUTH – but it does becomes insanity because it splits your mind in half and you are lost at that fork in the road always wondering what direction you should take. I always wondered is this person such a pathological liar or dumb as a rock? Yes I should have run in the opposite direction and I finally did!
Then there were always the many ‘woe-be-me’ stories that I tried to embrace, so it wasn’t just the day to day inconsistencies but other stories that were questionable because of the intricacy of the subject matter that begged for sympathy and understanding AND perhaps this person was suffering from some sort of personal/psychological injuries. This was another mental filter to deflect to sympathy when the Narcissist needs it! There were stories about my Narcissist being sexually abused as a child, but then again there was something in the way this Narcissist spoke about the sexual abuse that really concerned me because it didn’t seem normal as in the Narcissist being distressed about this nor was it ever mentioned to me by the Narcissist’s mother. I wasn’t about to question something so devastating, BUT was it real? Then there was a divorce where the ex-spouse was having all of these affairs with a boss and friend of the family, and my narcissist lost their job because my Narcissist was a whistle blower that exposed this executive as a sexual predator (BIG lie!) Again, who could I have asked about such a delicate matter. Then the stories of why my Narcissist’s family had such animosity toward my Narcissist because of the divorce. BUT it was always the ex-spouses fault and where was the sense in that, were all of the other people (family) WRONG to go against a blood relative (my Narcissist!) The same with the children being taken away from the Narcissist because the ex-spouse poisoned the relationship with crazy explanations of this that and what not as if it was entrapment and the ex-spouse lied to get the children away from the Narcissist. Then sadly the stories that one of my Narcissist’s biological children was dying and I can’t even comment on how distorted that lie was – so enough said! These were diversions that this Narcissist pulled out at will to deflect and to make me feel sympathetic! Luckily I had the common sense to save the emails and text messages that said these exact things that are the ‘proof in the pudding!’
There was ALWAYS a distinct pattern of this Narcissist blaming everybody else, BUT the subject matter was too intricate to question in a matter to get at the real truth. Then the Narcissist’s mother innocently revealed some dark information about the Narcissist supposedly being caught in an affair and that was a big wow coming from this highly moral Narcissist that always condemned the ex-spouse. It was like the cliché of being between a rock and a hard surface. How do you say to the person you love that you are having problems believing all of their very personal stories – AND again this all happened during the ‘love bombing!” I wasn’t naïve, I was raised to respect people in a manner to give them the benefit of the doubt, help them through adversity, etc., so how could I disprove any of this without seeming like a total and insensitive jerk? If I would have asked the Narcissist about any of this the Narcissist would add more lies to the stories and condemn me for being so insensitive. Fortunately the truth does have a way of surfacing from those family members and friends, but never when you need it! BUT intuition was there and I ignored it!
It seemed from the very beginning that my Narcissist always had some reason to be angry with me. This Narcissist would leave my home and text, email, or call me concerning something I had said that day and start an argument, sometimes I wasn’t even aware that my Narcissist was angry until I received the infamous communication that blamed me for something or other. This Narcissist was a killjoy and made sure to keep the negative edge alive even after a good day! There were also times my Narcissist wouldn’t even talk to me after they left my home, but more than likely it was to free up time to meet with supply on the side. An argument to deflect, silence and create distance for a few days! My Narcissist was always angry about something/everything, EVEN old arguments were recycled to trigger a NEWER argument AND for hours. These ‘old’ arguments would be brought up for the remainder of our relationship when the Narcissist needed them. This would all come out of nowhere. AGAIN I felt like I was walking on eggshells and as the relationship progressed it was like walking on broken glass and I had to watch everything that I said or did – and it could have been something that was brought up in a good context! Everything could be turned into an argument and it became a way of life. But as we all know a Narcissist can be so sweet, very attentive, kind, and loving, and based on that I couldn’t get a grasp on why this Narcissist was so angry (Dr. Jekyll and Mr./Ms. Hyde scenario!) BUT I kept looking inward for solutions to all of this and only enabled more abuse!
I also recall a very vivid pattern with a theme around me never complimenting my Narcissist enough! Statements like I don’t see your excitement when you see me. Or I never complimented my Narcissist enough and I didn’t realize how this HARMED my Narcissist – that seemed very bizarre to me. I didn’t hug the right way, I was distant, and everything else to make me out as if I was cold as ice! I acted as any normal person would in a relationship but I guess I didn’t worship this Narcissist. According to my Narcissist they were very attractive and heard this throughout their entire life as if to prompt me to speak in the same manner? Maybe that was the problem and the first real HUGE red flag that the Narcissist couldn’t control me like the many other weak minions that adored this Narcissist in the past. To be honest, it wasn’t realistic to me!
Even after it was obvious I had to get out of this crazy relationship (and I did) this Narcissist would still text me daily telling me what I did wrong in the relationship and for many months afterwards until I enforced no contact. I realized it exactly matched the same problems this Narcissist had in EVERY past relationship, but it took time to learn this because of the many lies and manipulation and the walls that surrounded my Narcissist’s dark past. I was also told I needed too much attention (pot/kettle scenario) which totally made my eyes open up and my jaw drop! Then there was, “if only you had been nice to me, listened to me, and you never loved me, etc. etc.” This Narcissist would NEVER shut up and if I would have listened any more than I did my ears would have worn out and probably fallen off.
My Narcissist then came up with a delusional farewell story and kept saying “You broke up with me” “Your choice” which by the way, I never uttered those words. A story came from my Narcissist that I was the one that met somebody else and started a relationship before ours ended? The Narcissist kept on saying it and wouldn’t hear me out so it was obvious this Narcissist didn’t want to rectify things in any civil manner to establish any closure because in reality the Narcissist had newer supply and just manipulated the situation to work in the Narcissist’s favor to put the blame on me and avoid exposure with these delusional stories about me. I would always hear this from my Narcissist as well, “I told you love was just around the corner for me!” No, supply was on every dark corner for this Narcissist. AND lastly the infamous and most surreal statement “Someday you will learn the truth about me and you will be sorry!” YES INDEED!!!
So the educational aspect of my personal situation and this article. Narcissists exhibit a keen empathic profile (reading people) that allows them to read, assess and manipulate people’s emotions. Subsequently they utilize this sensitive information to formulate strategies that enable them to acquire (manipulate) what they want or basically securing all the supply they can get! BUT the Narcissists lack of affective empathy (compassion or care about others) also allows a Narcissist to inflict serious harm on others in the process without flinching with a single iota of remorse. They only live among us to support their self-serving and abusive lifestyle and we all are potential supply to them. There are certain personality disorders that are easier to spot for the non-professional, because they dramatically hinder the normal functioning of individuals in society but malignant Narcissism is not one of them because they are chameleons. Unfortunately and a consequence of the Narcissist’s ability to seamlessly disguise their malignant aspect many people don’t recognize them as abusive or often dismiss Narcissistic Personality Disorder as just a big ego problem, or they are charming! Have any type of relationship with one and you will see evil looking right into your eyes and you will never forget it. Now as I read my own personal story about my abuse it seems hideous and ridiculous that I lived in this chaos but that is why this is called psychological abuse! It is a dark part of my past and that is where it will stay forever.
In fact, Narcissists can also be very adept at performing in their choice of professional field, because their inflated sense of self-importance drives them on to show the world just how important they really are especially if it hides the truth of their dysfunction parts. Society commonly associates personality disorders and psychiatric conditions with the inability to perform and function normally, these high performing Narcissists may remain undiagnosed for years, and sometimes even for their whole lives and you can believe that their abuse is not limited only to close relationships. The fact that the behavioral science community has devoted comparatively little attention to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as opposed to other personality disorders, further boasts its misdiagnosis! Without a concrete diagnosis these abusers are only being enabled by society and they are dangerous. A good example are the many reality shows that thrive on sensationalizing Narcissists that continually argue, lie and backstab in these shows as if it is normal behavior. It seems to be the main theme of some of these shows!
A Narcissists real behavior is glib, shallow, egotistical, mundane, predatory, and materialistic. Sometimes these traits are camouflaged by a polished social exterior, and extreme charm – but anyone with a discerning eye can see through the disguise especially if they have experienced one of these creatures or better yet angered them. They lack individuality, independent thinking, and are strongly biased against team or herd mentality – they prefer to divide and conquer through manipulation, backstabbing and smearing. They are a collection of every personality that they have absorbed or stolen from good people that they have had any sort of relationships with or that crossed the Narcissists path. They will steal virtues from colleagues if they see something admirable about them and they just purge it into their huge façade. They lack comprehension of anything beyond the material sphere of their five senses, and they have no interest in the real human condition as far as relationship matters, except as flashy accessories to boost their social image. They are entirely incapable of empathy, soul-searching, and willful self-sacrifice. Nevertheless, in the presence of others they can put on a flashy show of concern, distress, religious affiliation, or altruism for the purpose of social manipulation. For example, crocodile tears to elicit sympathy, or doing something nice for another solely to guilt trip them later and extort a favor.
If you could observe their consciousness it would reveal something interesting. There is a certain simplicity or flatness to them, and inertness to their being, even if their intellects are highly developed. Unlike other people, their conscious energy is more diffuse and dull, rather than solid, sparkling, and concentrated or centered. I never felt like there was a real person there with me! Put another way, their minds are like sand castles instead of real castles. There is something animalistic and rudimentary piloting a Narcissist’s life AND their bodies. It SEEMS like they have conscious awareness but not a conscious SELF-awareness as humans are supposed to have. There is a huge and important difference between awareness and self-awareness. Narcissists are aware of their environment and how to harvest everything (extort supply) to meet ALL of their immediate needs and that is where it begins and ends. They lack any and all empathy AND morality so there is no self that reflects upon the needs of other people EVEN their own biological children. A relationship with a Narcissist is dangerous and that is the only way to describe it. They play a game that we will never understand and they play to win at something that we also will never understand. We must not try to understand them and we must forget about them completely and move on and totally away from them and their minions.
The Narcissist will always put you in a maze of confusion/lies and you will be lost forever unless you jump out of that maze completely. My abuse is in the far past and my memories only concern my passion for writing to educate and help others on a journey back to life. I feel alive again and know what real love is, and it is the difference between night and day – that is the freedom you must seek. I don’t look back at the darkness to try to understand any part of it because I could never understand this type of cruelty or abuse. I shored up my life so that no more monsters can get through to me. Also remember that you must JUST LET GO when you know the truth. Any thoughts or resentment between yourself and the Narcissist will bound you to them emotionally. You will never achieve any type of closure with them in any realm of their world because what you loved and believed in was an image, but what is really there behind that façade is a monster with absolutely no real emotions as far as it concerns you or anybody. They will find another target/victim and repeat the cycle of abuse and destroy another good person and then just move on to the next and the next. This creature intentionally hurt you and abused you and that has to be the extent of your scope of understanding this Narcissist – that and they are dangerous to your well-being. I can only hope my Narcissist isn’t abusing another person in another relationship or destroying another family or organization, but my passion continues on to educate through my experience and bring light to the destruction that a Narcissist inflicts on good people in the hopes people will recognize these behaviors in a Narcissist and run as fast and far away as they can! Let KARMA handle them because it WILL and does! No/minimal contact to get to your freedom! Greg