Intuition – that voice that we heard in our heads but never acknowledged as fully as we should have and WHY?

PhotoFunia Motivator Regular 2015-06-11 04 33 53

Does this scenario sound familiar to you?

I became so discombobulated in this abstract and distorted world with my Narcissist because I had no real sense that I was with a personality disordered individual – targets/victims never do. This all didn’t happen overnight, it was post ‘love bombing’ so I totally missed the biggest part of the manipulation or the fake love BECAUSE that was the seamless trap a Narcissist uses. So after the trap was set and I was caught up in the vast array of the positive loving manipulations (love bombing) I just traveled down the normal road of creating and growing in a relationship with what I believed was a ‘normal,’ loving and deserving person. I know that it is relevant to say that there were these ‘red flags’ waving all along but I have to say they were not as bright and red as so many relate to this abuse or better yet there in the very beginning. Let’s just say they were light pink because the Narcissist bleached those ‘red flag’ scenarios out with compensatory arguments, lies and more manipulation. Or better yet what I call ‘mental filters’ that Narcissists install in our hearts and minds to divert us from seeing the truth! Love bombing is the first and biggest ‘mental filter’ that the Narcissist puts in place and utilizes to its fullest advantage to open the doors to our mind and heart to gain our undying love and trust. It is hard to imagine that a predator (Narcissist) would use fake love to lure targets/victims into their world BUT that is the trap they set and that is to conquer us through our emotions first! They are shrewd creatures and they have more mental filters that they keep installing into our minds throughout the whole cycle of abuse and basically to manage us down and disable our reality.

So pushing forward to the ‘post love bombing’ or the devaluation. YES I was blind sighted and walking on those proverbial eggshells and worrying about what I said or if I was behaving the right way to avoid feeling more desperation from all of the crazy arguments AND warding off the possibility of another verbal attack. But I was conditioned and managed down and really wasn’t an individual by any means, I was just an audience, scapegoat, AND servant to this Narcissist’s crazy making, chaos, and delusions. The Narcissist was so methodical with manipulation and control and always dangling that love over me by throwing me a little bone once in a while and YES usually something so small and insignificant, but I would get exhilarated once again, thinking that this Narcissist thought a little about me and trying with ANY small gesture or token because IT WAS SOMETHING! This is what manipulative conditioning and managing down is all about! Remember that ‘love bombing’ trapped us all into this abuse, and we invested time into what appeared to be REAL love. I had experience with real love and relationships and I was blind sighted by the seamless job this Narcissist did with the ‘love bombing’ and believed it was as real as my other positive experiences from past relationships. It wasn’t desperation it was a small glimmer of hope that just maybe there was the promise of achieving or better yet reigniting a cohesiveness in the relationship – this is what people do in normal relationships – work things out. What I was overlooking and justifying became my abuse and that is what I am going to try to explain in realistic words to educate.

I didn’t realize that I was being conned and manipulated so seamlessly and losing my ability to see the reality of the situation. The more I tried, and the more empathy I poured out to this Narcissist the more I fed and enabled the psychological abuse, and every day was only disabling my reality and creating cognitive dissonance. There was no instruction manual that came with this creature or a sign that said this was a malignant Narcissist, but something ALWAYS felt wrong and I could never put my finger directly on it. I just really couldn’t get any headway in trying to solve the many issues that seemed to constantly surround this relationship. Issues piled up layer upon layer with no time in between to solve any of them and it became an insurmountable feat or that huge maze and I was lost. A Narcissist surrounds you with so many lies, diversions, manipulation, betrayal, etc., that you are caught in a maze of total confusion where there is absolutely no way out. Furthermore you are not even aware that you are in this destructive maze! In time this scenario only got worse as if this Narcissist took extreme pleasure in torturing me, punishing me, taunting me, and just being intentionally cruel. This creature knew exactly what they were doing. Then there were the LIES – so many of them that now (many years later) I believe that EVERYTHING out of this Narcissist’s mouth was a lie!

Normal love is a strong emotion that we build up to, but once there we hand our heart AND our trust over unconditionally to this person because usually they reciprocate in the same manner and that is what starts the journey, but with a Narcissist it is a death sentence. Everybody pursues a relationship at some point in their life because it is part of the human condition and normally we can identify the ‘jerks’ but a Narcissist is a predator and seamless with their game and pursuit and the ‘love bombing’ is the bait they use to be successful in making us a source of supply. This is not being foolish, allowing this abuse, wanting it, being weak or any of the above – it was horrendous manipulation at the hands of a ‘not fully functioning human being’ that had an agenda AND still does. Remember a Narcissist’s survival is dependent on finding constant sources of supply and really a matter of life and death as far as they are concerned. It is like going to a doctor to have surgery, and you just trust that this really is a doctor that will have your best interests and health in mind. You have met the doctor, the doctor has been part of your community and seems functional, so you go through with the surgery because you believe this doctor is REAL. Narcissist usually come across as functioning and ‘normal’ people too and you would think that the world would know what a fraud they really are, but the Narcissist carefully keeps their past well hidden. I did realize the truth of my situation, but what conspired between the love bombing and when I finally figured out the truth was dehumanizing and disabling psychological abuse. Giving a Narcissist credit that they are NOT cognitive of their actions is like enabling any other criminal that has acted out against the law and dehumanized another person with their actions. Narcissists are psychological rapists pure and simple and they need to be made accountable for their crimes!

I was losing myself, but I was also frozen because I didn’t have the emotional or psychological strength to pull myself out of this terrible fog, almost as if I was hypnotized or overtaken by something and I felt so much pain and anguish, and I just wanted to fix myself and get out! This was also very unfamiliar ground to me because I had zero past experience with abuse or a Narcissist. So I had to personally assess my own situation and MY mental clarity because I sensed something was terribly wrong AND I was being told that I had the issues by somebody that supposedly loved me. My love bombing lasted for ALMOST 2 years until I discovered that this Narcissist was having an ongoing affair or perhaps a second relationship (in reality one of MANY!) That discovery sent the relationship spiraling right into the devaluation phase because I wounded this Narcissist and made them look at themselves in the light of the truth! Narcissists can’t associate with how damaged they are so I signed my own death sentence right then and there because I uncovered the truth and was now going to be punished AND destroyed for that. My Narcissist vehemently denied this ongoing affair and said it was my VIVID imagination and part of my obsession, jealousy, as well as this so called ‘mental illness’ I had. So I looked inward and believed that I must of had some of these issues, and all I did was enabled more of the psychological abuse. BINGO the Narcissist installed another mental filter that redirected my thought processes to accept the hideous lies and force the distorted blame into my mind like I was mentally ill. NO I wasn’t weak or mentally ill or anything, I was overtaken by this maze of confusion and got lost, AND this was after years of knowing this person as well as preceded by many years of prior manipulation by this Narcissist. This is classic abuse with the gas-lighting, betrayal, lies, manipulation and projection directed right at the target/victim.

I could feel and even predict what would happen all the time (being devalued,) because it just became a GIVEN and somehow the norm that I was accepting. Perhaps I had some distorted hope that things would change or whatever, but I was caught in the spider’s web like so many other targets/victims and I was looking for viable solutions or basically surviving. Prisoners and hostages have been subjected to this type of covert/overt psychological abuse and the phenomena is called Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding. It is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors.

For me it was like brain washing with the central theme of always being blamed, managed down, and mentally disabled – and for everything. In time I couldn’t even recognize my individuality because I was always told I had to be a certain way or punished because of my actions or words and the constant association that I had some sort of mental illness. It was like this Narcissist was transforming me and pulling me into their dark, perverted, delusional, and sick world AND basically that is what they are doing! A Narcissist will also backstab their targets and convince family, friends and co-workers that you have issues and they will even pull these people into the equation – a Narcissist has no qualms about destroying entire families. SO out of concern these people may come to you because of the Narcissist’s backstabbing and offer some sort of care, or they may pull totally away from you. BUT it basically isolates you and distorts your reality when the Narcissist creates these wedges and then says to you – “so and so agrees and they don’t want to have anything to do with you!” “I am only trying to help you and make you aware of these issues because I love you and want you to change for the betterment of the relationship!” A Narcissist is VERY adept at gathering familiar information you have confided in them, embellishing it with lies, and then turning it around and against you. Where does your head go when a Narcissist is your life coach AND life partner? Luckily I went to a therapist and asked to be tested to see if I was bi-polar, borderline, depressed, etc., and luckily this is what set me straight because this therapist was trained enough to ask me WHY I was asking to be tested and the words that saved my life came up in the conversation – “I believe that you are in an abusive relationship and perhaps with a Narcissist and this is emotional/psychological abuse!” This is why a Narcissist is so damaging in any and every relationship, because they push people to question their own sanity!

Through the devaluation I evolved to use my silence as a solution to thwart off this Narcissist’s constant rage and brainwashing, but in reality there was no alternative because these monsters are relentless. There were never situations, words, nor actions that originated from me or my personality that were harmful to my Narcissist (as I was manipulated into believing.) It was purely projection from the Narcissist and I was a psychological scapegoat. Furthermore If I ever attempted to discuss anything or better yet had an opinion about what I perceived were real issues concerning the distress I was feeling, my Narcissist claimed that THEY didn’t know anything was wrong, didn’t know what I meant, I was overreacting, or misinterpreting what THEY said, I was insecure, perhaps I was jealous, had issues I needed to work on, etc., turning everything back onto me. That confusing and never ending maze again! BUT why was I always being reprimanded for everything? I never experienced such disdain from anybody like I did with this person (my Narcissist!) It was the slow and subtle insidious day by day managing down that impaired my vision and reality and basically disabled my ability to reason out that this relationship was purely toxic and destructive. I was always answering to accusations that were purely delusional and created by this creature and again projection. This Narcissist was also taunting me with more and more betrayal with other supply (on the side) – not actually admitting to the many affairs or supply but being more and more unavailable and frequenting many local sexual online sites that I could access. Knowing that this bothered me the Narcissist was going to make sure to punish me and use this to hurt me more (the betrayal and affairs!) Remember I wounded this Narcissist by confronting them with the truth about the many other sources of supply and the Narcissist’s reality was being reflected BACK onto them. This Narcissist was a sexual deviant, addict, or better yet derelict and always was this way in every relationship and still is. It is just natural to this Narcissist, but how could I have been fooled so completely?

A Narcissist can do what they do seamlessly and with such ease, BUT we must remember that in our ‘normal’ world we could never overtly abuse a person we love or even come close to understanding it, and unfortunately we relate to them through our healthy thoughts instead of seeing the reality of what they are. A Narcissist does not love anything or anybody, they envy and despise life and people that ARE normal. Just being a real or normal person is reason enough for a Narcissist to hate us. BUT they need us and that compounds their hate because they can’t feel any sort of dependence on anybody because it shows how weak and fragile they actually are. They need that 24/7 babysitter to have regular supply and that is our job when they select us, but it doesn’t inhibit or distract them from securing other supply. People are objects that they will easily abuse, dispose of, and destroy if they do not serve the Narcissist as perfect supply – even their own biological children. Objects do not question they only perform a specific function. What is abuse to a Narcissist – our individualism and they fight it tooth and nail! Complete control of an individual is what a relationship is to a Narcissist!

YES, my intuition was always on high alert because of so many situations that just didn’t make any sense. It could be anything but whatever came out of this Narcissist’s mouth never made sense nor could I make a normal connection to a ‘realistic truth’ in any of my Narcissist’s words. Again this is psychological rape through that maze of confusion and the many mental filters they create for us. BUT fortunately, it is what saved me in the end (the truth!) Trying to understand the stories this Narcissist would use to explain situations was like traveling through that complicated maze once again – there was no real direction, just mass confusion and running into walls at every turn! Most of the time it was about situations concerning accountability and numerous sexual encounters on the side (supply,) something that I learned was a pattern in this creatures past relationships and still is today.

My Narcissist would always say they were doing something (the cover-up) but the ‘little’ inconsistencies were always pointing to a huge lie. Some examples: When I say the little inconsistencies it WOULD be something small but concrete where this Narcissist would say they were at a restaurant with friends but I knew that this restaurant was closed on that particular night AND this Narcissist had no REAL friends that I knew of the many years that I was involved in this relationship (well except for mine!) If I would mention this fact, my Narcissist would seamlessly switch to another lie saying they FORGOT it was closed and actually they ate at another restaurant (and of course the rage!) You don’t forget that a restaurant was closed and you went to another restaurant. Or another incredulous story where this Narcissist was running late by hours (and sick the night before so we had to cancel) and the reason for being late, my Narcissist took their Mom out to eat and after 2 ½ hours the food still wasn’t delivered to the table – seriously? I called my Narcissist’s mother’s house and she answered the phone. When I told this to my Narcissist a new lie was plugged into the story to divert the truth once again AND I was called crazy because I made this call. Supposedly it was my Narcissist’s sister that answered the phone and she sounds exactly like my Narcissist’s mother. Unfortunately the sister lives a couple hours away and wasn’t visiting. In actuality it was proof in one way, but could someone be that forgetful about a restaurant that was in reality closed in the first example or that dumb to sit and wait that long for a meal in the second example? There will literally hundreds of the same type of stories that were most likely just more cover-ups. There it is again that maze of confusion! Plus I would be raged at for bringing up a question or the truth as I mentioned in the restaurant examples and called jealous, obsessed, etc. No, it is not a sign of jealousy or obsession because you question a person that really never walks the straight and narrow path of telling the TRUTH – but it does becomes insanity because it splits your mind in half and you are lost at that fork in the road always wondering what direction you should take. I always wondered is this person such a pathological liar or dumb as a rock? Yes I should have run in the opposite direction and I finally did!

Then there were always the many ‘woe-be-me’ stories that I tried to embrace, so it wasn’t just the day to day inconsistencies but other stories that were questionable because of the intricacy of the subject matter that begged for sympathy and understanding AND perhaps this person was suffering from some sort of personal/psychological injuries. This was another mental filter to deflect to sympathy when the Narcissist needs it! There were stories about my Narcissist being sexually abused as a child, but then again there was something in the way this Narcissist spoke about the sexual abuse that really concerned me because it didn’t seem normal as in the Narcissist being distressed about this nor was it ever mentioned to me by the Narcissist’s mother. I wasn’t about to question something so devastating, BUT was it real? Then there was a divorce where the ex-spouse was having all of these affairs with a boss and friend of the family, and my narcissist lost their job because my Narcissist was a whistle blower that exposed this executive as a sexual predator (BIG lie!) Again, who could I have asked about such a delicate matter. Then the stories of why my Narcissist’s family had such animosity toward my Narcissist because of the divorce. BUT it was always the ex-spouses fault and where was the sense in that, were all of the other people (family) WRONG to go against a blood relative (my Narcissist!) The same with the children being taken away from the Narcissist because the ex-spouse poisoned the relationship with crazy explanations of this that and what not as if it was entrapment and the ex-spouse lied to get the children away from the Narcissist. Then sadly the stories that one of my Narcissist’s biological children was dying and I can’t even comment on how distorted that lie was – so enough said! These were diversions that this Narcissist pulled out at will to deflect and to make me feel sympathetic! Luckily I had the common sense to save the emails and text messages that said these exact things that are the ‘proof in the pudding!’

There was ALWAYS a distinct pattern of this Narcissist blaming everybody else, BUT the subject matter was too intricate to question in a matter to get at the real truth. Then the Narcissist’s mother innocently revealed some dark information about the Narcissist supposedly being caught in an affair and that was a big wow coming from this highly moral Narcissist that always condemned the ex-spouse. It was like the cliché of being between a rock and a hard surface. How do you say to the person you love that you are having problems believing all of their very personal stories – AND again this all happened during the ‘love bombing!” I wasn’t naïve, I was raised to respect people in a manner to give them the benefit of the doubt, help them through adversity, etc., so how could I disprove any of this without seeming like a total and insensitive jerk? If I would have asked the Narcissist about any of this the Narcissist would add more lies to the stories and condemn me for being so insensitive. Fortunately the truth does have a way of surfacing from those family members and friends, but never when you need it! BUT intuition was there and I ignored it!

It seemed from the very beginning that my Narcissist always had some reason to be angry with me. This Narcissist would leave my home and text, email, or call me concerning something I had said that day and start an argument, sometimes I wasn’t even aware that my Narcissist was angry until I received the infamous communication that blamed me for something or other. This Narcissist was a killjoy and made sure to keep the negative edge alive even after a good day! There were also times my Narcissist wouldn’t even talk to me after they left my home, but more than likely it was to free up time to meet with supply on the side. An argument to deflect, silence and create distance for a few days! My Narcissist was always angry about something/everything, EVEN old arguments were recycled to trigger a NEWER argument AND for hours. These ‘old’ arguments would be brought up for the remainder of our relationship when the Narcissist needed them. This would all come out of nowhere. AGAIN I felt like I was walking on eggshells and as the relationship progressed it was like walking on broken glass and I had to watch everything that I said or did – and it could have been something that was brought up in a good context! Everything could be turned into an argument and it became a way of life. But as we all know a Narcissist can be so sweet, very attentive, kind, and loving, and based on that I couldn’t get a grasp on why this Narcissist was so angry (Dr. Jekyll and Mr./Ms. Hyde scenario!) BUT I kept looking inward for solutions to all of this and only enabled more abuse!

I also recall a very vivid pattern with a theme around me never complimenting my Narcissist enough! Statements like I don’t see your excitement when you see me. Or I never complimented my Narcissist enough and I didn’t realize how this HARMED my Narcissist – that seemed very bizarre to me. I didn’t hug the right way, I was distant, and everything else to make me out as if I was cold as ice! I acted as any normal person would in a relationship but I guess I didn’t worship this Narcissist. According to my Narcissist they were very attractive and heard this throughout their entire life as if to prompt me to speak in the same manner? Maybe that was the problem and the first real HUGE red flag that the Narcissist couldn’t control me like the many other weak minions that adored this Narcissist in the past. To be honest, it wasn’t realistic to me!

Even after it was obvious I had to get out of this crazy relationship (and I did) this Narcissist would still text me daily telling me what I did wrong in the relationship and for many months afterwards until I enforced no contact. I realized it exactly matched the same problems this Narcissist had in EVERY past relationship, but it took time to learn this because of the many lies and manipulation and the walls that surrounded my Narcissist’s dark past. I was also told I needed too much attention (pot/kettle scenario) which totally made my eyes open up and my jaw drop! Then there was, “if only you had been nice to me, listened to me, and you never loved me, etc. etc.” This Narcissist would NEVER shut up and if I would have listened any more than I did my ears would have worn out and probably fallen off.

My Narcissist then came up with a delusional farewell story and kept saying “You broke up with me” “Your choice” which by the way, I never uttered those words. A story came from my Narcissist that I was the one that met somebody else and started a relationship before ours ended? The Narcissist kept on saying it and wouldn’t hear me out so it was obvious this Narcissist didn’t want to rectify things in any civil manner to establish any closure because in reality the Narcissist had newer supply and just manipulated the situation to work in the Narcissist’s favor to put the blame on me and avoid exposure with these delusional stories about me. I would always hear this from my Narcissist as well, “I told you love was just around the corner for me!” No, supply was on every dark corner for this Narcissist. AND lastly the infamous and most surreal statement “Someday you will learn the truth about me and you will be sorry!” YES INDEED!!!

So the educational aspect of my personal situation and this article. Narcissists exhibit a keen empathic profile (reading people) that allows them to read, assess and manipulate people’s emotions. Subsequently they utilize this sensitive information to formulate strategies that enable them to acquire (manipulate) what they want or basically securing all the supply they can get! BUT the Narcissists lack of affective empathy (compassion or care about others) also allows a Narcissist to inflict serious harm on others in the process without flinching with a single iota of remorse. They only live among us to support their self-serving and abusive lifestyle and we all are potential supply to them. There are certain personality disorders that are easier to spot for the non-professional, because they dramatically hinder the normal functioning of individuals in society but malignant Narcissism is not one of them because they are chameleons. Unfortunately and a consequence of the Narcissist’s ability to seamlessly disguise their malignant aspect many people don’t recognize them as abusive or often dismiss Narcissistic Personality Disorder as just a big ego problem, or they are charming! Have any type of relationship with one and you will see evil looking right into your eyes and you will never forget it. Now as I read my own personal story about my abuse it seems hideous and ridiculous that I lived in this chaos but that is why this is called psychological abuse! It is a dark part of my past and that is where it will stay forever.

In fact, Narcissists can also be very adept at performing in their choice of professional field, because their inflated sense of self-importance drives them on to show the world just how important they really are especially if it hides the truth of their dysfunction parts. Society commonly associates personality disorders and psychiatric conditions with the inability to perform and function normally, these high performing Narcissists may remain undiagnosed for years, and sometimes even for their whole lives and you can believe that their abuse is not limited only to close relationships. The fact that the behavioral science community has devoted comparatively little attention to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as opposed to other personality disorders, further boasts its misdiagnosis! Without a concrete diagnosis these abusers are only being enabled by society and they are dangerous. A good example are the many reality shows that thrive on sensationalizing Narcissists that continually argue, lie and backstab in these shows as if it is normal behavior. It seems to be the main theme of some of these shows!

A Narcissists real behavior is glib, shallow, egotistical, mundane, predatory, and materialistic. Sometimes these traits are camouflaged by a polished social exterior, and extreme charm – but anyone with a discerning eye can see through the disguise especially if they have experienced one of these creatures or better yet angered them. They lack individuality, independent thinking, and are strongly biased against team or herd mentality – they prefer to divide and conquer through manipulation, backstabbing and smearing. They are a collection of every personality that they have absorbed or stolen from good people that they have had any sort of relationships with or that crossed the Narcissists path. They will steal virtues from colleagues if they see something admirable about them and they just purge it into their huge façade. They lack comprehension of anything beyond the material sphere of their five senses, and they have no interest in the real human condition as far as relationship matters, except as flashy accessories to boost their social image. They are entirely incapable of empathy, soul-searching, and willful self-sacrifice. Nevertheless, in the presence of others they can put on a flashy show of concern, distress, religious affiliation, or altruism for the purpose of social manipulation. For example, crocodile tears to elicit sympathy, or doing something nice for another solely to guilt trip them later and extort a favor.

If you could observe their consciousness it would reveal something interesting. There is a certain simplicity or flatness to them, and inertness to their being, even if their intellects are highly developed. Unlike other people, their conscious energy is more diffuse and dull, rather than solid, sparkling, and concentrated or centered. I never felt like there was a real person there with me! Put another way, their minds are like sand castles instead of real castles. There is something animalistic and rudimentary piloting a Narcissist’s life AND their bodies. It SEEMS like they have conscious awareness but not a conscious SELF-awareness as humans are supposed to have. There is a huge and important difference between awareness and self-awareness. Narcissists are aware of their environment and how to harvest everything (extort supply) to meet ALL of their immediate needs and that is where it begins and ends. They lack any and all empathy AND morality so there is no self that reflects upon the needs of other people EVEN their own biological children. A relationship with a Narcissist is dangerous and that is the only way to describe it. They play a game that we will never understand and they play to win at something that we also will never understand. We must not try to understand them and we must forget about them completely and move on and totally away from them and their minions.

The Narcissist will always put you in a maze of confusion/lies and you will be lost forever unless you jump out of that maze completely. My abuse is in the far past and my memories only concern my passion for writing to educate and help others on a journey back to life. I feel alive again and know what real love is, and it is the difference between night and day – that is the freedom you must seek. I don’t look back at the darkness to try to understand any part of it because I could never understand this type of cruelty or abuse. I shored up my life so that no more monsters can get through to me. Also remember that you must JUST LET GO when you know the truth. Any thoughts or resentment between yourself and the Narcissist will bound you to them emotionally. You will never achieve any type of closure with them in any realm of their world because what you loved and believed in was an image, but what is really there behind that façade is a monster with absolutely no real emotions as far as it concerns you or anybody. They will find another target/victim and repeat the cycle of abuse and destroy another good person and then just move on to the next and the next. This creature intentionally hurt you and abused you and that has to be the extent of your scope of understanding this Narcissist – that and they are dangerous to your well-being. I can only hope my Narcissist isn’t abusing another person in another relationship or destroying another family or organization, but my passion continues on to educate through my experience and bring light to the destruction that a Narcissist inflicts on good people in the hopes people will recognize these behaviors in a Narcissist and run as fast and far away as they can! Let KARMA handle them because it WILL and does! No/minimal contact to get to your freedom! Greg

Posted on June 12, 2015, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 24 Comments.

  1. I am the one that had the long term marriage (16 years). He was found cheating, and he begged for a chance for 6 months… then when I started to respond thinking he meant it, he cut off all communication for a month as I cried. Now that I feel stronger, have sorted out my finances, have set up a schedule for our child, now he showed up crying on my doorstep saying he wants the marriage! I believe in God I believe in hope I believe in restoration so it is very very hard to turn away from someone …but I feel that I have to turn away because they are so good at playing the part you’ll never know if there’s ever going to be true restoration. He has even been very good at using God’s words but its just twisted, and the only way you know that it’s twisted it’s because you lose your own bearings.


  2. Greg, thank you again. Reading your words makes me stronger. It’s been a few short weeks after leaving (I HOPE) my last N. I, too despaired with the cheating and mind-numbing lies, twisted arguments, etc…
    Your thoughts on a neurological schism in human evolution? Mass scale poor parenting? It seems rampant.


  3. Thank you.


  4. Thank you for sharing your story. It is so helpful to read these articles as I go through a breakup with one these people. I’m realizing no contact is the only way out, I’ll never get closure from him or real answers. You are right, you love the image of the person not the real person, because the real person behind the mask is so dark, mean and ugly. I am happy to be free before being bound by kids, marriage, finances which I can only imagine make it 100 times worse to get out of such a toxic relationship.


  5. This helped me understand the complete turnaround in a marriage that lasted for a very long time. He was found out cheating once again and yet turned it around on me. Began begging for a chance, then after a little while states he’s healthy and realizes that I was toxic and doesn’t want me or the marriage. Turned on a dime after the big crocodile tears, and after getting me to believe once again he would address his addiction issues, and after convincing everyone that he was really trying. But I set a limit on how long he would have to do counseling because I knew I had lost my compass, and he got bored, or found someone else. Then just threw it in my face that I was holding on to the “addiction card”, and hadn’t really tried. How was it I was supposed to try when he was the cheater? It’s been crazy making to the extreme.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This totally sou ds like my life with the nar! Thanks so much for sharing….


  7. Thank you, Greg. Am amazed at how prolific you are at describing your experience and the thoughtful analysis of the nature of narcissism. Would love to have a conversation with you. Be well.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank You very much for sharing these articles, everything you wrote and described fit my situation and I cant tell how much weight has been lifted off my shoulders since reading these articles today.

    I was married to a monster family and have been patiently waiting for Karma

    Thank You once again


    Glen Campbell

    Victoria BC Canada


  9. Now ima awake

    Today, I wrote this to my ex N and I feel finally alive.

    To My Tim,

    You were a person I projected my desires and wants and needs onto. And the girl you always said you owned – well that me was also fictitious. We never dated in a real way or met each other’s families or spent a rainy Sunday in bed. we never shared real intimacy. intimate moments-yes. real intimacy and sharing and merging…no. I do not hate you. I simply don’t know you. not the real you. not the person that left me broken so easily. I hate the dissolution of the image of what I thought and believed to be real. I mourn the loss of something that was of my own visualization and creation…but it was not real.

    I am real. this past month I have changed and evolved and cried and mourned the loss of all things I did not comprehend and I have abandoned what was… in place of me. i choose me…the real me. the me you never took the time to know.

    I am so full and so capable of loving and giving and also of receiving.

    I am alive. and healthy and whole and beautiful and I am perfect. not for you but for me.

    Our story was part fairy tale and make believe and part nightmare. but it has come to an end by your design

    you discarded me and you won’t be back. this was the grand finale. and that is ok. it was inevitable because I was supplying you with a fix – and you were fueling an emotional addiction that in the end was unhealthy for me.

    I hate goodbyes and don’t believe in them.

    I do believe in the power of good over evil, and I believe in me.

    so to new beginnings… to me…

    because my story … well it is just beginning…


  10. I am so humbled by this information. yes I was in a relationship I believe with a person like this . I did sin against Jesus by involving myself in premarital relations but I repented and was broken more times in a shorter period of time while involved with this person than I can count or remember. I was blinded to all the flags I believe the Lord was showing me I think is because I was exhausted and I fell prey. I am not good at understanding myself nor others. It seems phsycology is to confusing to me . Personalities and characters. I am a very simple person and find myself broken on my knees most of the time crying out to experience Jesus Love afresh because I don’t understand the cruelty of others. The gal I was involved with would demonstrate a displeasure or disgruntleness over somethimg minor and I could or would experience a very controlled what seemed to be a demonic energy that raised the hairs on the back of my neck and that scared me . I am not to afraid of much but this gals demonstration of anger and wrath did. I did retaliate a few times I confess with unsavory rebuttle but only a few and because of My tenderness toward right and wrong and a heart of true Agape Love I confessed my wrong and asked forgiveness. actually broke my heart in my prayer closet because the Holy Spirit had been grieved and after what I have been thru in life I am very sensitive and tender to the ways of the Lord. if there are any of you who are genuine believers that have come to a new birth in Jesus by way of the finished work of Jesus Cross and been washed in his precious blood then please not only pray for me to get through this but pray for my ex also. I pursue the heart of Jesus and Stephen when he was stoned to death as the Apostle Paul watched … Father forgive them for they know not what they do. I do believe the resurrection power of Jesus and his tender Love can change a heart and show the individual the error of their ways and truly change them. He did me and does continue even still as a seek him humbly ……


  11. Well written! So true Greg. The insidious head games leaving us mentally confused and damaged. The rage heaped upon us when we stop being what the narcissist needs us to be.
    Thanks for sharing.


  12. I felt sick when I read this–it was almost exactly my situation. I am struggling to move on. Sometimes I don’t know how I’m going to pick up the pieces or have any sort of normal life again. I still feel a tremendous amount of shame about what happened and fear of being victimized again. Pray/hope/wish for me.


  13. I just recently found your website five years after leaving a relationship that matches your description exactly. I’m still not recovered. Despite now being with a saint of a man for several years (we just married at the beginning of the year), I still have triggers and often feel the same fears and anxiety from people that even remotely resemble having the personality of my ex (oddly, several co-workers). I am still trying to find my individuality with the help of lots of support and encouragement. I am still trying to ward off nightmares and still rely on meds to keep my anxiety at bay.

    I could totally relate to this post – well, all of your posts, actually. Everyone I tell my story to has the same reaction…”Why the heck would you stay with someone like that for 15 years?” It’s hard to explain the negative conditioning that happens over time, the manipulation and the brain washing that is comparable to a POW. Towards the end, when I caught on to what was really taking place in my outwardly perfect world, it was easier to stay and accept responsibility and abuse than become homeless. Thankfully, I had a father who was my night and shining armor who finally said “enough is enough” and flew 3000 miles to help me escape (and I don’t use that term figuratively) with a very small trailer holding few possessions after my abuser had left for work one warm summer day.

    In the year that followed, I went through a financially devastating divorce, endured cyber stalking, had my phone changed several times because the court kept making it public and kept a p.o. box in a distant town for legal/divorce correspondence so he would have no idea where I had moved to. After the divorce was final, I had mere pennies to my name, but a life I was building for ME.

    I no longer live in a fancy five story house, now drive a simple used car and work at a job that pays less than I feel I can live on at times (I had little work experience because I rarely worked during the marriage – work clothes, taxes and gas would have cost too much, he would kindly explain, and besides, wasn’t my home life the most important job in the world?”

    Still, I used top say I would rather live in a tent and hunt my own food than live the way I was living. Today, I only use that tent on fishing trips. I have a great home and fabulous husband. Still, I can’t make friends to save my life due to lack of trust and social skills I lost long ago.

    I am now living in heaven instead of hell and even though my mental and emotional state has not yet fully recovered, I am on my way. Happy, at peace, abuse free.

    Thank you so much for this website and the many victims it touches.

    April May (last name withheld)


  14. An excellent example of a relationship with a narcissist can be found on Married at First Sight. One of the husbands is classic abuser and the wife is classic victim. Why the “experts” chose to match these people illustrates very well how easily the narcissist fools people. I’m still waiting for someone to say RD is a narcissist. It is no wonder that practically the only people who know what narcissism looks like and can recognize it are people who have lived with one. Thanks for your page and I hope someone sees that show and can see what people go through!


  15. Thanks so much for your writings’ they are informative and are personally helping me a lot. They are a little too subjective as your narcissist was particulary evil as they were unfaithful. There are varying degrees is narcissism. Also, I can still hear and feel your pain and anger by your tone and word choices. But I’m sure this aids people in identifying with you in terms of how it feels like to be a victim. The only thing I would disagree with is, a lot of narcissism is unconscious hence why they can behave this way and why of course they can’t identify themselves as one or be self aware. Cheers for your blog. X


  16. Greg, I always read your posts with great interest, i’m 9.5 months out of a 6 year relationship that could almost be, quite literally word for word, the post above…. ( I never felt there was any additional suppliers, although have since found out there might have been) so it is highly likely to be true… been no contact for 6 whole months with 2 intentional contact episodes by me about a month after she left, but they where only to remove all her worldly items from my house, she left loads of stuff after her moonlight leaving action, that was her way of leaving an open door to initiate a return, once i was put back in my place, and i needed the e mails in order that should she contact the authorities, I at least had her permission in writing to do with her stuff what needed doing.

    I genuinely thought i was doing rather well, especially after about month 5, but saw her in the pub the other night, and I basically just had to leave so I did, no interaction at all with her, I just had to go it was the right thing to do for me, then i gave myself a real hard time the whole of the following day for actually leaving….. just sitting here reminding myself that time is the actual healer and 9.5 months is NOT long enough, considering my emotional (mostly) and financial investment i put into the relationship. The finances are sorting themselves out quicker than expected, the emotional bit still has a bit of mileage to go before the petrol runs out, so i just need to dig it out really and keep doing what I’m doing.

    And deciding already that i’ll not be walking out of anywhere i see her again has to be the goal… I have the capability to ignore her, she has the capability to flaunt herself even with a random guy, and do it right in front of me, so i cant run from it all the time…. seems to be the right time to grind through it emotionless and not pay any heed to it…. really should read my 161 page account of it all to remind myself of the grief and pain of it all. Although I haven’t forgotten any of it.

    I’ll let you know how it goes…..

    Once again another insightful and (considering the circumstances) a great post.



  17. So many things I thought were never possible from a narcissist disguised as a human being. Like when her dog of sixteen years needs to be relieved of chronic pain she decides to go to a music festival “with the girls” while I stay with the lil guy and cry waiting for her to come back so we can say goodbye. And of course finding out the weekend involved her ex boyfriend that she says she had no idea would be there but somehow neglects to inform me that his band was headlining at this fest. I put this is the category of temporary acute grief and assumed it would never happen again. Plus I was so sad about our dog I didn’t even want to think about it. Months later I would still have questions about that weekend but was told I was an “emotional vampire”. Fast forward to a year later and she uses her own Father’s cancer as excuses for her lies on two separate occasions. It’s so sick I still try and wiggle her way out of it for her by calling it grief because i don’t want to believe people like that exist. Fast forward to now with the divorce finalized next month and she’s told people I beat her (she’s hit me three times) and that I abandoned her. ( she’s told me I was the worst mistake she’s ever made and given her the worst year of her life). My wife is driving a new car we got her and she hated her old boss so I I suggested, supported, and encouraged her through real estate school. Her first year she’s got 25 listings. Yet my business has withered to nothing due to 16 months of me making poor decisions and being so obsessed with trying to get my wife to be nice to me that I let my clients suffer and they leave me. Her mom told my mom (who is having a very hard time with her own health) that I beat her daughter and left her penniless. This month will be one year of therapy for me. I’m maxed out on all my credit. I’m desperately trying to avoid shutting down my business of 15years. But… I am free now. I’ve been seeing both a somatic therapist and a “regular” therapist and it’s helped me to regulate. I’m remembering what a good person I am. I’m remembering how good it feels to take pride in my work and my life. I truly don’t believe karma will catch-up with her. I don’t like it when I catch myself wishing it would. The truth is I want her to be healthy and snap out of this. Even though we are done. My love for her is not. I will always want to be her shoulder. But I have rules now. She has to treat me like an equal. She needs to say sorry for hurting my feelings. I hate hating her. I don’t want to see her again. But she knows so many people. She is so charming. So many people believe her. So many people who I enjoyed meeting look at me like I’m this evil terrible person. They look at me as if I was a narcissist. The irony makes the pain resonate even more. Trapped on this island of truth. How would I even begin to explain what has happened. Who would even try and believe all of this. I am so thankful for websites like this.


  18. Thank you for this. Well said, and well written. Greg. Helping other’s for sure.
    So my own story, and then some. Really good to get some deeper understanding.


  19. Much love for you & kudos getting out of it! Could you please share (in more detail) of your healing process; how you rediscovered your identity & purged yourself of all the lies?


  20. When one has a relationship with a narc/psychopath, you are playing a game of DEATH!


  21. I guess mine is more a question, but when my Narc ended our relationship, (witch he had obviously been plotting for awhile) he was able to alienate me from all family and friends. How do I get them to see the truth? They are seemingly all too eager to believe his lies, and here I was thinking I came from a tight knit family! I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive their betrayal, but it is so important to me that they know the real truth!


    • number1hinesfeet

      My heart breaks when I read each post of experiencing the devastations of a Narcissist relationship. Your almost described to a ‘T’ the perpetration of lies not only to my family members but hers also. Potential in-laws that I had grown to Love and see through Gods eyes of grace and mercy. She even contacted all the ministries I fellowshipped with via email and mail and told them horrible lies about me. Fortunately they had known me longer than she and knew about my struggles prior to a new birth in Jesus and my struggles since then. The bible I read teaches there is safety in Godly counsel but because I have not only been betrayed by so called believers and my ex Narc at least in this area of relationship to the body of Christ I had learned to keep my distance and go thru a process of determining true Christ like Love,mercy and wisdom when I had questions or felt I could glean elders experiences. Unfortunately I wasn’t wise enough to see what I was getting myself into with this woman. The still small voice of God (His Holy Spirit) in hindsite was whispering”RUN”. IT WASNT LONG BEFORE I felt a false sense of safety and actually going backwards with this gal and as things grew suspicious, in hindsight I realize she had been planning to terminate our relationship sometime before she actually did. Its getting a little better becuz Jesus is real and he is a loving gentle healer. But in order for me to actually notice tidbits of realizing encouragement that I will be better for this experience( Becuz I really was torn up,chewed and spit out mercilessly) I had to stay on my face crying out to Jesus for help to release not only my ex fiance but even those of her family that weren’t wise enough nor discerning enough to realize….. Hey, this is a good man really giving his all to serve the Lord in a Loving gracious way ,then all of a sudden she comes up with all this garbage about him to discredit him . Why? What’s going on? If anyone has seen the movie FireProof with Kurt Cameron then they may see what I did. Others can’t give us what they don’t have outside of Jesus. They are bankrupt and unfortunately we get hurt. Then another aspect is that there is hope in Jesus and if another is honest enough to arise to the challenge he can change the course of anything and even change a life because all the personality issues we face in ourselves or another are actually the sin nature of mankind. Self image ,pride. Unforgiveness,etc.I had to in order to sleep at night and get back a free mind and start my heart to healing, truly cry out to Jesus in utter brokenness for a heart of mercy like his because when sinful man put him on the Cross and right before he last breathed, he said; Father forgive them for they know not what they do. The emotional scars are still there and at times I tremble with fear from the demon that manifested when she twisted things around on me,but strangely I cry out for Jesus to protect and keep her from all harm and continue to fill my heart with mercy and forgiveness toward her. If we all want true freedom from the facades we all painfully experienced,Jesus is the cure in so many ways. My heart is still healing and I will continuously pray for all who’s heart have been broken,minds twisted,identities lost to be healed. Freed. Washed. Freed. And that when you wake in the morning it will be with a sense of fresh life and Joy in your hearts and minds becuz Jesus has been there while you sleep.


  1. Pingback: Intuition – that voice that we heard in our heads but never acknowledged as fully as we should have and WHY? | slk1217's Blog

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