Devalued, thrown away and tossed onto the Junk Heap! WHY? The REALITY of what defines being a source of ‘Narcissistic Supply!’ NOBODY is special, or ‘the one and only’ for a Narcissist we are all part of a network of supply!
Most every target/victim has been totally derailed by the sudden devaluation and discard that they have personally experienced in their relationship with a Narcissist. You believed you were the only one and so very important and loved by them. You also put so much time, energy and love into this belief that there was this real love and YOU LOVED THEM BACK as every normal person would do in a committed relationship. Day by day with this love that you believed in you were caring, supportive, loving, giving, formed dreams with them, maybe even started a family, but most importantly you hung in there, and BELIEVED! THEN one day everything seems to have turned around and you are treated with inexplicable coldness, cruelty and pure disdain, as well as smeared to your family, friends, co-workers, etc. (behind your back of course!) You wonder what has happened and find yourself being blamed for everything/anything and YOU are the reason for the relationship ending because you are everything bad, horrible and wrong.
You were never given an opportunity to have a real conversation about this because that Narcissist hasn’t told you anything even near the truth because nothing about this relationship had ANY truth attached to it – your time with them has expired! You don’t have a concept of just how derelict and dysfunctional this creature really is and how they have brainwashed your mind so completely. ALSO you don’t really have the full concept that this is abuse by a Malignant Narcissist and they were just bored with you and had other supply waiting so they just moved on to a new source but you are left with all of the lies and manipulation thinking that this was real love. IF you would even get a chance to discuss this you would never get a realistic answer from this Narcissist. No instead you would be blasted with hateful words and more blame. It is just the Narcissist’s pattern and how they get to their newer supply unscathed and escaping exposure from the devastation and destruction they have imposed on you and your life. The accusations concerning you have no basis and purely another way they exploit and distort your reality. It is done and in time you will see a reality that is scary as it concerns this person that you loved and you will be repulsed by the truth of what they really are.
I also want to add an important point here. So many targets/victims are told they are obsessed with searching out the truth as it involves the abuse and they should just move on. To me that is just silly and not realistic as it involves healing and recovery because it isn’t as simple as that. Healing and recovery is a process that requires the truth first. Betrayal at the level of being psychologically abused by a Narcissist is traumatizing and needs specialized help to understand the situation or it will imprint itself in your mind and then resurface over and over again as anger, mistrust, low self-esteem, anxiety and depression as well. Education is also a very important part of the process to uncover the truth and a major part of recovery and this requires a target/victim to be conscious of this truth as it concerns how pathological the Narcissist was in the relationship and none of this is your fault – you were a victim of this abuse. Introspection and new boundaries will come after the target/victim is psychologically healthy and able to function normally. When a target/victim is psychologically disabled by trauma they cannot move forward with good judgement or return to a normal life immediately. There is no magical cure until the negative messages and psychological trauma is purged out of the target/victims life. You can’t put a Band-Aid on this abuse and expect the wounds to heal on their own – but once you learn the truth and understand that this WAS abuse, you should move forward without any thoughts of that Narcissist.
So WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? The Narcissist is purely driven by the constant need to seek ALL sources of attention, or clinically Narcissistic Supply. That word “supply” is very loose as far as what it seems to insinuate and limits the truth about the real definition of what is going on here. Narcissistic Supply is not just positive attention or praise from people, or people believing the Narcissist’s incredulous made up life stories, it is every possible type of attention from as many sources as possible that the Narcissist can get their greedy little hands on and you were never the ‘one and only.’ We were one of many sources that they locked into as they continued to seek out other sources to fill in the blanks when they were not physically there with us. It didn’t matter if they were married to you, exclusively in a romantic relationship or whatever your relationship was with them. Narcissists are equal opportunity users AND abusers and will work any opportunity of supply to their advantage. This also means constant physical (sexual) attention as well with anybody willing – ANYBODY! That big fake façade is not just there to make them seem like the best little boys and girls in the world, it is there to hide all of the dark reality of the out of control things they do in the shadows that we rarely find out about. Marriage for a Narcissist is just part of their big façade to disguise their insatiable appetite for everything they can get from people. Their search for supply is not limited by marriage or any relationship! I always remember my Narcissist ending the MANY arguments with “Love is just around the corner for me.” I would just shake my head because that was so delusional to add to an argument and what was it actually saying? Now I realize that my Narcissist was literally saying they had love (ANY derelict supply that would say YES) on any and every corner waiting.
Unfortunately once we are trapped in the jaws of a Narcissist we all make the mistake of thinking the Narcissist is on the same page as us, OR motivated by what motivates us, OR having so much in common and pursuing and growing with that amazing thing called LOVE. Are we weak or wanting to be abused? Well yes if the Narcissist would have told us they were an abuser and we still welcomed them into our lives. Mine never told me, and I am not stupid, BUT I am human and human’s seek out relationships and love, believing that they are real because that is natural to the normal and real world.. BUT I answered this with the first two sentences in the paragraph – I made the mistake of being conned into this and believing lies for love. Narcissists are seamless with these lies and the ‘master manipulators’ in life. They play horrible mind games, they are emotional and psychological abusers and basically users. They extort life and love to achieve ‘supply.’ There wouldn’t be so many people that are in the same position we are/were in if they (Narcissists) weren’t real ABUSERS and as good as they are at abusing people. Nobody is that stupid or naïve enough to allow or want to live through this hideous experience. YES there were those red flags but I wasn’t all that familiar with them or had the experience to evaluate them as a personality disorder and to run from them or I would have. Instead I inadvertently worked through what I believed were more like ‘issues’ to achieve stability and a cohesiveness where there was none – just more lies and manipulation. I just never realized that someone could lie so completely and where would I have learned this lesson? Now that I have the experience and these lessons under my belt, I have created very strong boundaries to prevent this from ever happening again. The experience has given me the sense to recognize these ‘red flags’ NOW that unfortunately I didn’t have back then. That is what recovery provides us with or the truth and an eye opening education that introduces us to the reality that these creatures are real and destructive.
In the matter of a friendship, a relative or co-coworker it is pretty much the same deal, or whatever they can learn about us to appear that they have so much in common with us. It is all about that ‘love bombing’ or ‘friendship bombing’ to make that amazing connection with us UNTIL they have succeeded in gaining our trust to get at what they want and until they are satiated and move on to newer and better supply. All connections are purely driven by the Narcissist’s addiction to supply and they see something in us that they want so the big bamboozle starts with that. We pursue a committed relationship with a person for many reasons but basically we are looking for shared dreams, companionship, love, passion, family, etc. The Narcissist SEEMS to be pursuing these same objectives, as well as the hopes and dreams along with us, BUT they are actually motivated by something quite different. They are simply looking for a host target to basically suck the life out of so they have supply around them ALL THE TIME. They are con artists and extortionist that start off as life’s Prince and Princess Charming that carry you off on that white stallion. Unfortunately there is no castle, riches or substance and more than likely you will have to build that castle and pay for the mortgage too and they will run off with it all and leaving you with the bill.
You have been carefully selected and assessed by the Narcissist and chosen to be a source of supply, probably even compared to others and you were given the ‘main’ position and now you are the 24/7 source of supply but you have an expiration date. That is your purpose and function PERIOD. You, we and most of the world mistake what ‘drives’ the Narcissist’s abuse as real emotions and love BUT it was purely manipulation and a hideous betrayal to make us TRUST them and believe in the big ‘CON JOB!’ The Narcissist dances the relationship dance with you just like bees do in nature with all of the appearance of being motivated by LOVE and having the same direction to pursue a relationship as you have. They talk the talk, speak the words (lies) of love and fidelity which reassures and confirms that you both are on the same page AND it is LOVE. Meanwhile, they feel a complete aversion to any real intimacy. They are not connecting to you on any earthly emotional level, but you are completely unaware of this and the real distance and dysfunction that is governed by their ‘personality disorder’ – well at least not yet. No, they are after something very different than what you are after. They are seeking out a full time candidate to serve them, but they will also have part timers on the side providing many other services. In time when you leave them or are discarded AND amazed that they have moved on so quickly, you have to realize that they didn’t move on they just moved over a little bit to another source of supply that was always there. They are like the Pied Piper that plays that magical flute that seduces all types of people to follow him/her wherever the Pied Piper wants them to go. You are not even aware of the other people that are right there with you because all you hear is that magical tune and you follow it.
They have this immense addiction and need for all things supply, or a certain quality of attention that you’ve been determined by them to be an excellent source of. They groom and nurture you so completely and seamlessly so you will continue to release that love and giving them everything. Through this betraying manipulation the Narcissist can extort that supply right out of you and get what they want and what they came for. You are just one of many they steal life and love from. Once you are there with them or on the same page (basically hooked,) then it is your job to give them everything you have, or basically your whole life AND blind sighted by their lies that hide all of their other sources. You are there as their main support of supply for them to fall back on when the other impersonal sources of ‘outside supply’ aren’t readily available – you are a matter of convenience just like every other source of supply. You are the easy supply that is always there for them because they locked you in with their lies of real love, etc. You are ‘old faithful’ as you continue to pour out supply to fill in all of the empty spaces. This will keep the Narcissist going in their times of famine when those extra and exciting side sources of supply are not there for them or convenient or easy to get at or access. When you are in a relationship with a narcissist you have entered the Narcissist’s “Pathological Space” and therefore his/her rules apply and they are defining reality for you. Nobody is real in a Narcissist’s life, we are all objects that have a specific purpose to provide constant supply.
My Narcissist literally came up with the most incredulous and amazing lies and the craziest stories to cover up these many side sources of supply that this Narcissist would seek out regularly AND still does. A child could have told a better “make believe” story but when you are in the thick of it with them, it is more likely that you couldn’t possibly believe that a person would be this deceptive and somehow you justify it in your mind. Unfortunately I was guilty of believing these incredulous lies like we all do. BUT they are pathologically deceptive, pathological liars, serial cheaters, and more. My Narcissist would even text old pictures to make it seem like they were legitimately out with friends, but the pictures were really older ones taken from another event and I learned how to find the date stamp that showed when the picture was actually taken. One ‘old’ picture was used to make me believe my Narcissist was out with friends eating pizza because my Narcissist was supposedly stuck in a horrendous snow storm and had to spend the night with a friend. Unfortunately my Narcissist was wearing a coat that was left at my house MANY months back. When I asked my Narcissist about this very fact, the reply was, “OH, I have two of those coats because I liked it so much!” I asked my narcissist to send a picture of the ‘other’ coat and unfortunately my Narcissist said they had just given it to one of their children and couldn’t do this. My Narcissist must have changed their mind about liking that coat so much to have bought two of them and then gave it away right after I noticed that little fact! Yes you become a detective to avoid falling into the insanity that they create and this is what gave me my freedom – the TRUTH. They are so careless because of their addiction to finding ‘supply’ that they also become careless with their lies.
So what is the truth or behind this sudden and abrupt devaluation? First remember even though you were the 24/7 supply source you really only had a part time job of serving your Narcissist because there were always ‘others!’ There is no connection or better yet bonding with ANY source of supply (human being), we just all have our position in the hierarchy of serving the Narcissist AND as I mentioned an expiration date when we have lost our ability to serve or we finally catch on to them. There are the many side sources that the Narcissist has and he/she will crown one of them as their next full time source of supply when our time is up. We are all expendable objects in the Narcissist’s world and a matter of convenience AND Narcissists simply gets tired of their sources. Narcissists get bored and there is no magical formula that defines or governs this. I am sure there are numerous variables involved but seriously there is no way that you will EVER understand what makes a Narcissist tick so don’t look at the situation as if it is something you personally did or EVER attempt to fix the situation or expend the energy to attempt to understand. Usually, the relationship lasts until the narcissist “gets use” to the source and it no longer stimulates the Narcissist, or until a better source of supply presents itself and you can count on the fact that the Narcissist has them all lined up and ready to replace you.
Somehow in the annals and archives of this amazing and contorted mind of the Narcissist the very qualities that made you attractive to them as a source of supply (or being their servant) now becomes the reason for the Narcissist to look down on you and see you as inferior AND NEEDY (that is the pot calling the kettle black!) The Narcissist also resents his/her dependency on you, remember they need to feel omnipotent or superior over people because what is living inside of them is insecurity at such an extreme level that they HAVE to control you and to feel powerful. But in reality they are controlling and keeping their own demons and monsters that live within them at bay. The Narcissist realizes that they are needy, helpless and addicted to Narcissistic Supply BUT hate that they are so dependent on any one person because that leaves them vulnerable! So how do they fix this – devalue the source that makes them see the truth and reality of how weak they are and have a backup source always available when they have to escape. They blame you and shame you through projection that defines what they are actually doing. This is simply the hideous betrayal that they impose on all life and people. This isn’t anything like self-compassion they deserve, but more apt to be described as self-imposed grandiosity and delusional omnipotence. Unfortunately after all of the managing down and dehumanization on a daily basis you are left empty, emotionally drained, psychologically abused, and carrying the weight of the devaluation and feeling worthless. The Narcissist definitely knows how to open and close the door to your heart and head and when they leave after the discard they make sure they put a bolted lock on that door in hopes to disable you from loving or trusting again. The good news is that we are resilient enough to understand the facts around these creatures and the abuse and can move forward and recover!
This is also experienced by children of Narcissistic parents. The child will conform and strive to be what the Narcissistic parent demands of them, because this is all they know. This evokes submissiveness and fear or basically the Narcissistic parent controlling and manipulating the child’s mind and their emotions. There will also be times when the child is despised for the very fear and submissiveness that was demanded of them. The Narcissist simply needs an outlet for their hate and they justify this by choosing to see the child as a coward instead of their well-trained slave and scapegoat. The child becomes confused and full of despair because the more they try to be what they thought was expected of them, the more they are devalued and despised and this becomes their norm! Love to an abused child becomes twisted and distorted as a result of being raised by the Narcissistic parent. This distorted love becomes the basis and definition of what love is for many of these emotionally and psychologically abused children throughout their entire lives. It is a horrifying experience for a child and they never have the opportunity of knowing normal unconditional love and they take that experience right into adulthood. As an adult YOU have been shattered by the Narcissist’s abuse and sudden devaluation – multiply your reaction times ten to get a sense of the child’s pain and confusion when they do not have a realistic grasp of emotions or real love to rely on and then they are left to go out into the real world and feel whole with these horrendous images and messages from the Narcissistic parent. Again every person in a Narcissist’s life is an opportunity for ‘supply,’ even their own biological children that will fall into the same devaluation pattern that every other source of supply experiences.
Every person that has been idealized by a Narcissist and then devalued and discarded, is always shocked at this turnaround in the Narcissist’s perception of you – from ‘charm to harm’ and that love turned into hate. Please understand that this was inevitable. You did nothing wrong to cause that change or any of the things you were blamed and shamed for. If you’re not completely serving a Narcissist or 100% on their page and completely accepting every indiscretion of theirs, or if you are not a perfect mirror to the narcissist, you are simply bad and need to be discarded. Unfortunately nobody can meet the Narcissist’s delusions standards. This is just the way Narcissist views the world. In reality we all end up seeing through them and when we start to question them we are done. It is an easy move for them because they just move on to other supply that has also been serving them. There is ALWAYS somebody else there to replace you!
The real lesson here is that it was never about you, it was about the Narcissist’s personality disorder. It was always about them and their need to secure supply from every possible aspect of life in their relentless and all-consuming pursuit of supply. You were just another source for them to feed on and a means to an end AND nothing more. You had a job to do and that was serve this creature and make them feel amazing through a reflection the Narcissist projected onto and into you. They don’t see you as a viable person like a ‘normal’ person would, because you didn’t exist for them as a fully feeling human being with emotions, sentiment and the ability to love. You were one of their many toys and then one day they lost all interest in the toy (you) and kicked it aside for another. BUT at first they did use and support those real qualities (fake love) to trap you into their world. They are not wired to assess your value as a person BUT instead you are assessed for what value you served as an object or ‘supply.’ You were only as good as the amount of attention (supply) that you gave them and even then no matter how great you were as this source, at some point the Narcissist got bored and moved on to other supply. They have many other sources of supply going on and simply put you are tossed into the junk heap when they lose interest because they found another and you are ignored and devalued because of the ‘newer’ supply. There is no such thing as a Narcissist bonding to another person, so basically you have been drastically demoted and then fired by the Narcissist and they are going to punish you now too.
So the fact is that you were a victim of this abuse. That word (victim) is tossed around out there in the real world like it is something wrong to be or it is a choice that people make (to become a victim.) Yes there are people that SAY they are a victim and use it to their advantage (like a Narcissist), and there are people that lie, cheat, steal and murder. Let people define it how they want because their definition is not any part of the equation to achieve a healthy and new lifestyle free from emotional/psychological abuse. We do not want to stay in this victimization mode, so after the ‘ah ha’ moment, some education, support, therapy, and plugging into the truth about this person that abused you, it is time to let them go completely and become a survivor. Thinking about them or reliving the craziness, chaos, betrayal, lies, and every other destructive thing this creature did should only reinforce you to forget about them completely. Let everything about that Narcissist go back into the shadows where it came from. Fighting with them is just another form of attention that they thrive on. They will plug you into more abuse and try to hurt you more with their amazing life and new love they have found and it is nothing more than them finding a new source of supply that will fall into the same pattern of being idealized, devalued and then discarded. Move forward with the lessons about these dark people so you don’t get pulled into the darkness again with them. Dig down deep inside of you to find all of those wounded parts and heal them as well. This hideous education will teach you many things and raise you to a higher plane that puts you first in this world. You will learn how to say ‘no’ and make it stick. You will also learn how to say ‘yes’ to the important things that you deserve in life like real love and goodness. FORGET this Narcissist completely because they are repulsive creatures that destroy life and love! The only way to heal is no/minimal contact. Your life, happiness and wellbeing is more important than anything so realize how much of that they extorted and put it into the perspective that you must move completely forward without any part of them in your life! Greg