Devalued, thrown away and tossed onto the Junk Heap! WHY? The REALITY of what defines being a source of ‘Narcissistic Supply!’ NOBODY is special, or ‘the one and only’ for a Narcissist we are all part of a network of supply!

PhotoFunia Motivator Regular 2015-05-27 11 18 07

Most every target/victim has been totally derailed by the sudden devaluation and discard that they have personally experienced in their relationship with a Narcissist. You believed you were the only one and so very important and loved by them. You also put so much time, energy and love into this belief that there was this real love and YOU LOVED THEM BACK as every normal person would do in a committed relationship. Day by day with this love that you believed in you were caring, supportive, loving, giving, formed dreams with them, maybe even started a family, but most importantly you hung in there, and BELIEVED! THEN one day everything seems to have turned around and you are treated with inexplicable coldness, cruelty and pure disdain, as well as smeared to your family, friends, co-workers, etc. (behind your back of course!) You wonder what has happened and find yourself being blamed for everything/anything and YOU are the reason for the relationship ending because you are everything bad, horrible and wrong.

You were never given an opportunity to have a real conversation about this because that Narcissist hasn’t told you anything even near the truth because nothing about this relationship had ANY truth attached to it – your time with them has expired! You don’t have a concept of just how derelict and dysfunctional this creature really is and how they have brainwashed your mind so completely. ALSO you don’t really have the full concept that this is abuse by a Malignant Narcissist and they were just bored with you and had other supply waiting so they just moved on to a new source but you are left with all of the lies and manipulation thinking that this was real love. IF you would even get a chance to discuss this you would never get a realistic answer from this Narcissist. No instead you would be blasted with hateful words and more blame. It is just the Narcissist’s pattern and how they get to their newer supply unscathed and escaping exposure from the devastation and destruction they have imposed on you and your life. The accusations concerning you have no basis and purely another way they exploit and distort your reality. It is done and in time you will see a reality that is scary as it concerns this person that you loved and you will be repulsed by the truth of what they really are.

I also want to add an important point here. So many targets/victims are told they are obsessed with searching out the truth as it involves the abuse and they should just move on. To me that is just silly and not realistic as it involves healing and recovery because it isn’t as simple as that. Healing and recovery is a process that requires the truth first. Betrayal at the level of being psychologically abused by a Narcissist is traumatizing and needs specialized help to understand the situation or it will imprint itself in your mind and then resurface over and over again as anger, mistrust, low self-esteem, anxiety and depression as well. Education is also a very important part of the process to uncover the truth and a major part of recovery and this requires a target/victim to be conscious of this truth as it concerns how pathological the Narcissist was in the relationship and none of this is your fault – you were a victim of this abuse. Introspection and new boundaries will come after the target/victim is psychologically healthy and able to function normally. When a target/victim is psychologically disabled by trauma they cannot move forward with good judgement or return to a normal life immediately. There is no magical cure until the negative messages and psychological trauma is purged out of the target/victims life. You can’t put a Band-Aid on this abuse and expect the wounds to heal on their own – but once you learn the truth and understand that this WAS abuse, you should move forward without any thoughts of that Narcissist.

So WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? The Narcissist is purely driven by the constant need to seek ALL sources of attention, or clinically Narcissistic Supply. That word “supply” is very loose as far as what it seems to insinuate and limits the truth about the real definition of what is going on here. Narcissistic Supply is not just positive attention or praise from people, or people believing the Narcissist’s incredulous made up life stories, it is every possible type of attention from as many sources as possible that the Narcissist can get their greedy little hands on and you were never the ‘one and only.’ We were one of many sources that they locked into as they continued to seek out other sources to fill in the blanks when they were not physically there with us. It didn’t matter if they were married to you, exclusively in a romantic relationship or whatever your relationship was with them. Narcissists are equal opportunity users AND abusers and will work any opportunity of supply to their advantage. This also means constant physical (sexual) attention as well with anybody willing – ANYBODY! That big fake façade is not just there to make them seem like the best little boys and girls in the world, it is there to hide all of the dark reality of the out of control things they do in the shadows that we rarely find out about. Marriage for a Narcissist is just part of their big façade to disguise their insatiable appetite for everything they can get from people. Their search for supply is not limited by marriage or any relationship! I always remember my Narcissist ending the MANY arguments with “Love is just around the corner for me.” I would just shake my head because that was so delusional to add to an argument and what was it actually saying? Now I realize that my Narcissist was literally saying they had love (ANY derelict supply that would say YES) on any and every corner waiting.

Unfortunately once we are trapped in the jaws of a Narcissist we all make the mistake of thinking the Narcissist is on the same page as us, OR motivated by what motivates us, OR having so much in common and pursuing and growing with that amazing thing called LOVE. Are we weak or wanting to be abused? Well yes if the Narcissist would have told us they were an abuser and we still welcomed them into our lives. Mine never told me, and I am not stupid, BUT I am human and human’s seek out relationships and love, believing that they are real because that is natural to the normal and real world.. BUT I answered this with the first two sentences in the paragraph – I made the mistake of being conned into this and believing lies for love. Narcissists are seamless with these lies and the ‘master manipulators’ in life. They play horrible mind games, they are emotional and psychological abusers and basically users. They extort life and love to achieve ‘supply.’ There wouldn’t be so many people that are in the same position we are/were in if they (Narcissists) weren’t real ABUSERS and as good as they are at abusing people. Nobody is that stupid or naïve enough to allow or want to live through this hideous experience. YES there were those red flags but I wasn’t all that familiar with them or had the experience to evaluate them as a personality disorder and to run from them or I would have. Instead I inadvertently worked through what I believed were more like ‘issues’ to achieve stability and a cohesiveness where there was none – just more lies and manipulation. I just never realized that someone could lie so completely and where would I have learned this lesson? Now that I have the experience and these lessons under my belt, I have created very strong boundaries to prevent this from ever happening again. The experience has given me the sense to recognize these ‘red flags’ NOW that unfortunately I didn’t have back then. That is what recovery provides us with or the truth and an eye opening education that introduces us to the reality that these creatures are real and destructive.

In the matter of a friendship, a relative or co-coworker it is pretty much the same deal, or whatever they can learn about us to appear that they have so much in common with us. It is all about that ‘love bombing’ or ‘friendship bombing’ to make that amazing connection with us UNTIL they have succeeded in gaining our trust to get at what they want and until they are satiated and move on to newer and better supply. All connections are purely driven by the Narcissist’s addiction to supply and they see something in us that they want so the big bamboozle starts with that. We pursue a committed relationship with a person for many reasons but basically we are looking for shared dreams, companionship, love, passion, family, etc. The Narcissist SEEMS to be pursuing these same objectives, as well as the hopes and dreams along with us, BUT they are actually motivated by something quite different. They are simply looking for a host target to basically suck the life out of so they have supply around them ALL THE TIME. They are con artists and extortionist that start off as life’s Prince and Princess Charming that carry you off on that white stallion. Unfortunately there is no castle, riches or substance and more than likely you will have to build that castle and pay for the mortgage too and they will run off with it all and leaving you with the bill.

You have been carefully selected and assessed by the Narcissist and chosen to be a source of supply, probably even compared to others and you were given the ‘main’ position and now you are the 24/7 source of supply but you have an expiration date. That is your purpose and function PERIOD. You, we and most of the world mistake what ‘drives’ the Narcissist’s abuse as real emotions and love BUT it was purely manipulation and a hideous betrayal to make us TRUST them and believe in the big ‘CON JOB!’ The Narcissist dances the relationship dance with you just like bees do in nature with all of the appearance of being motivated by LOVE and having the same direction to pursue a relationship as you have. They talk the talk, speak the words (lies) of love and fidelity which reassures and confirms that you both are on the same page AND it is LOVE. Meanwhile, they feel a complete aversion to any real intimacy. They are not connecting to you on any earthly emotional level, but you are completely unaware of this and the real distance and dysfunction that is governed by their ‘personality disorder’ – well at least not yet. No, they are after something very different than what you are after. They are seeking out a full time candidate to serve them, but they will also have part timers on the side providing many other services. In time when you leave them or are discarded AND amazed that they have moved on so quickly, you have to realize that they didn’t move on they just moved over a little bit to another source of supply that was always there. They are like the Pied Piper that plays that magical flute that seduces all types of people to follow him/her wherever the Pied Piper wants them to go. You are not even aware of the other people that are right there with you because all you hear is that magical tune and you follow it.

They have this immense addiction and need for all things supply, or a certain quality of attention that you’ve been determined by them to be an excellent source of. They groom and nurture you so completely and seamlessly so you will continue to release that love and giving them everything. Through this betraying manipulation the Narcissist can extort that supply right out of you and get what they want and what they came for. You are just one of many they steal life and love from. Once you are there with them or on the same page (basically hooked,) then it is your job to give them everything you have, or basically your whole life AND blind sighted by their lies that hide all of their other sources. You are there as their main support of supply for them to fall back on when the other impersonal sources of ‘outside supply’ aren’t readily available – you are a matter of convenience just like every other source of supply. You are the easy supply that is always there for them because they locked you in with their lies of real love, etc. You are ‘old faithful’ as you continue to pour out supply to fill in all of the empty spaces. This will keep the Narcissist going in their times of famine when those extra and exciting side sources of supply are not there for them or convenient or easy to get at or access. When you are in a relationship with a narcissist you have entered the Narcissist’s “Pathological Space” and therefore his/her rules apply and they are defining reality for you. Nobody is real in a Narcissist’s life, we are all objects that have a specific purpose to provide constant supply.

My Narcissist literally came up with the most incredulous and amazing lies and the craziest stories to cover up these many side sources of supply that this Narcissist would seek out regularly AND still does. A child could have told a better “make believe” story but when you are in the thick of it with them, it is more likely that you couldn’t possibly believe that a person would be this deceptive and somehow you justify it in your mind. Unfortunately I was guilty of believing these incredulous lies like we all do. BUT they are pathologically deceptive, pathological liars, serial cheaters, and more. My Narcissist would even text old pictures to make it seem like they were legitimately out with friends, but the pictures were really older ones taken from another event and I learned how to find the date stamp that showed when the picture was actually taken. One ‘old’ picture was used to make me believe my Narcissist was out with friends eating pizza because my Narcissist was supposedly stuck in a horrendous snow storm and had to spend the night with a friend. Unfortunately my Narcissist was wearing a coat that was left at my house MANY months back. When I asked my Narcissist about this very fact, the reply was, “OH, I have two of those coats because I liked it so much!” I asked my narcissist to send a picture of the ‘other’ coat and unfortunately my Narcissist said they had just given it to one of their children and couldn’t do this. My Narcissist must have changed their mind about liking that coat so much to have bought two of them and then gave it away right after I noticed that little fact! Yes you become a detective to avoid falling into the insanity that they create and this is what gave me my freedom – the TRUTH. They are so careless because of their addiction to finding ‘supply’ that they also become careless with their lies.

So what is the truth or behind this sudden and abrupt devaluation? First remember even though you were the 24/7 supply source you really only had a part time job of serving your Narcissist because there were always ‘others!’ There is no connection or better yet bonding with ANY source of supply (human being), we just all have our position in the hierarchy of serving the Narcissist AND as I mentioned an expiration date when we have lost our ability to serve or we finally catch on to them. There are the many side sources that the Narcissist has and he/she will crown one of them as their next full time source of supply when our time is up. We are all expendable objects in the Narcissist’s world and a matter of convenience AND Narcissists simply gets tired of their sources. Narcissists get bored and there is no magical formula that defines or governs this. I am sure there are numerous variables involved but seriously there is no way that you will EVER understand what makes a Narcissist tick so don’t look at the situation as if it is something you personally did or EVER attempt to fix the situation or expend the energy to attempt to understand. Usually, the relationship lasts until the narcissist “gets use” to the source and it no longer stimulates the Narcissist, or until a better source of supply presents itself and you can count on the fact that the Narcissist has them all lined up and ready to replace you.

Somehow in the annals and archives of this amazing and contorted mind of the Narcissist the very qualities that made you attractive to them as a source of supply (or being their servant) now becomes the reason for the Narcissist to look down on you and see you as inferior AND NEEDY (that is the pot calling the kettle black!) The Narcissist also resents his/her dependency on you, remember they need to feel omnipotent or superior over people because what is living inside of them is insecurity at such an extreme level that they HAVE to control you and to feel powerful. But in reality they are controlling and keeping their own demons and monsters that live within them at bay. The Narcissist realizes that they are needy, helpless and addicted to Narcissistic Supply BUT hate that they are so dependent on any one person because that leaves them vulnerable! So how do they fix this – devalue the source that makes them see the truth and reality of how weak they are and have a backup source always available when they have to escape. They blame you and shame you through projection that defines what they are actually doing. This is simply the hideous betrayal that they impose on all life and people. This isn’t anything like self-compassion they deserve, but more apt to be described as self-imposed grandiosity and delusional omnipotence. Unfortunately after all of the managing down and dehumanization on a daily basis you are left empty, emotionally drained, psychologically abused, and carrying the weight of the devaluation and feeling worthless. The Narcissist definitely knows how to open and close the door to your heart and head and when they leave after the discard they make sure they put a bolted lock on that door in hopes to disable you from loving or trusting again. The good news is that we are resilient enough to understand the facts around these creatures and the abuse and can move forward and recover!

This is also experienced by children of Narcissistic parents. The child will conform and strive to be what the Narcissistic parent demands of them, because this is all they know. This evokes submissiveness and fear or basically the Narcissistic parent controlling and manipulating the child’s mind and their emotions. There will also be times when the child is despised for the very fear and submissiveness that was demanded of them. The Narcissist simply needs an outlet for their hate and they justify this by choosing to see the child as a coward instead of their well-trained slave and scapegoat. The child becomes confused and full of despair because the more they try to be what they thought was expected of them, the more they are devalued and despised and this becomes their norm! Love to an abused child becomes twisted and distorted as a result of being raised by the Narcissistic parent. This distorted love becomes the basis and definition of what love is for many of these emotionally and psychologically abused children throughout their entire lives. It is a horrifying experience for a child and they never have the opportunity of knowing normal unconditional love and they take that experience right into adulthood. As an adult YOU have been shattered by the Narcissist’s abuse and sudden devaluation – multiply your reaction times ten to get a sense of the child’s pain and confusion when they do not have a realistic grasp of emotions or real love to rely on and then they are left to go out into the real world and feel whole with these horrendous images and messages from the Narcissistic parent. Again every person in a Narcissist’s life is an opportunity for ‘supply,’ even their own biological children that will fall into the same devaluation pattern that every other source of supply experiences.

Every person that has been idealized by a Narcissist and then devalued and discarded, is always shocked at this turnaround in the Narcissist’s perception of you – from ‘charm to harm’ and that love turned into hate. Please understand that this was inevitable. You did nothing wrong to cause that change or any of the things you were blamed and shamed for. If you’re not completely serving a Narcissist or 100% on their page and completely accepting every indiscretion of theirs, or if you are not a perfect mirror to the narcissist, you are simply bad and need to be discarded. Unfortunately nobody can meet the Narcissist’s delusions standards. This is just the way Narcissist views the world. In reality we all end up seeing through them and when we start to question them we are done. It is an easy move for them because they just move on to other supply that has also been serving them. There is ALWAYS somebody else there to replace you!

The real lesson here is that it was never about you, it was about the Narcissist’s personality disorder. It was always about them and their need to secure supply from every possible aspect of life in their relentless and all-consuming pursuit of supply. You were just another source for them to feed on and a means to an end AND nothing more. You had a job to do and that was serve this creature and make them feel amazing through a reflection the Narcissist projected onto and into you. They don’t see you as a viable person like a ‘normal’ person would, because you didn’t exist for them as a fully feeling human being with emotions, sentiment and the ability to love. You were one of their many toys and then one day they lost all interest in the toy (you) and kicked it aside for another. BUT at first they did use and support those real qualities (fake love) to trap you into their world. They are not wired to assess your value as a person BUT instead you are assessed for what value you served as an object or ‘supply.’ You were only as good as the amount of attention (supply) that you gave them and even then no matter how great you were as this source, at some point the Narcissist got bored and moved on to other supply. They have many other sources of supply going on and simply put you are tossed into the junk heap when they lose interest because they found another and you are ignored and devalued because of the ‘newer’ supply. There is no such thing as a Narcissist bonding to another person, so basically you have been drastically demoted and then fired by the Narcissist and they are going to punish you now too.

So the fact is that you were a victim of this abuse. That word (victim) is tossed around out there in the real world like it is something wrong to be or it is a choice that people make (to become a victim.) Yes there are people that SAY they are a victim and use it to their advantage (like a Narcissist), and there are people that lie, cheat, steal and murder. Let people define it how they want because their definition is not any part of the equation to achieve a healthy and new lifestyle free from emotional/psychological abuse. We do not want to stay in this victimization mode, so after the ‘ah ha’ moment, some education, support, therapy, and plugging into the truth about this person that abused you, it is time to let them go completely and become a survivor. Thinking about them or reliving the craziness, chaos, betrayal, lies, and every other destructive thing this creature did should only reinforce you to forget about them completely. Let everything about that Narcissist go back into the shadows where it came from. Fighting with them is just another form of attention that they thrive on. They will plug you into more abuse and try to hurt you more with their amazing life and new love they have found and it is nothing more than them finding a new source of supply that will fall into the same pattern of being idealized, devalued and then discarded. Move forward with the lessons about these dark people so you don’t get pulled into the darkness again with them. Dig down deep inside of you to find all of those wounded parts and heal them as well. This hideous education will teach you many things and raise you to a higher plane that puts you first in this world. You will learn how to say ‘no’ and make it stick. You will also learn how to say ‘yes’ to the important things that you deserve in life like real love and goodness. FORGET this Narcissist completely because they are repulsive creatures that destroy life and love! The only way to heal is no/minimal contact. Your life, happiness and wellbeing is more important than anything so realize how much of that they extorted and put it into the perspective that you must move completely forward without any part of them in your life! Greg

Posted on May 31, 2015, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 23 Comments.

  1. I just would like to add that is painful to be isolated and stay mute in sufferance because of the shame. The shame what i feel after i realized in what i participate since 8 yrs and after i realized what is my responsability in staying such a shameful situation. Because to be hooked i had to believe that i am so special and my own narcism made me blind. Even if we are all victims but we are victims of our own stupidity as well.
    Anyway, i am very grateful to Greg and everybody who wrote the comments ! It is good to know that i can visit this club to have support during the hard times ahaed.


  2. Anna Lou, let me say that i have a similar relationship with a Nars 8yrs by now, the difference is that i never left my family, children. My man did the same, starting to wrote me in the name of somebody else. Hooking me , trying to involve me in a sexual talk. After i revealed was him, i became very careful and i read many books about this disorder. This could save my life but i am still tarpped. I am in his net still love him somehow but looking for the exit continuosly.


  3. Anna Lou, let me say that i have a similar relationship with a Nars 8yrs now, the difference is that i never left my family, children. My man did the same, starting to wrote me in the name of somebody else. Hooking me , trying to involve me in a sexual talk. After i revealed was him, i became very careful and i read many books about this disorder. This could save my life but i am still tarpped. I am in his net still love him somehow but looking for the exit continuosly.


  4. This is very insightful,both my parents were narcs,and l still in a minefield of ptsd, my siblings,as l call them the golden children,,are narcs,too,l suspect,as adults they are causing destruction in my life,asthe eldest l feel drawnback to support them when they need me,which is all lies and manipulation,they hurt and disown me,so now l have to raise and love myselfx


  5. Just realizing Narcissism. My 89yo daddy is a narcissist. I have been caring for him and my 82yo precious mother for years; she has dementia but is high-functioning with me; we go out every day and are best friends. Years ago, Daddy became insanely jealous of my close relationship with mother, began raging against me, selected his new source to be my NARCISSISTIC brother (lives out of town and has had zero concern and little contact with us in years; he has always despised me). Now my N daddy and N brother have teamed-up and their mission is to destroy me (and Mother for she is no use to them anymore).They LIED to ALL authorities so daddy could get my POA’s stripped so daddy could get guardianship of precious mother, they immediately threw my mother into a nursing home against her wishes, and they are LYING MORE now trying to have me imprisoned! I am now homeless and penniless and daddy is refusing to let me see or talk with Mother saying he fears for their lives! One big lie they are saying is that i have been locked-up in a mental hospital!!! They have every government agency trying to prosecute me and they have me in an eviction process trying to make me lose all my property. This is incredible. Ive lived with my parents since 2001. Daddy used to always say: thank God for karen, if not for her, me and Pearl would of been dead years ago. This level of INSANE HATE is mind-boggling. I am devastated that my precious mother is in a nursing home; we were supposed to live out her days together in her familiar home. I go to court this Friday regarding eviction. Also, daddy “got rid of” my little dog and two cats; he had them killed. And of course I can’t find an attorney to help me because I have no money. Legal AID told me the case was too complex; that I must hire private attorney. I am totally isolated by the years of unpaid kinship caregiving. I reached out to distant relatives but they have been turned against me by daddy. I am haunted by my precious mother’s crystal blue eyes. I wonder how many people are sitting in prison because of Narcissistic Abuse?


  6. I’ve been involved with a narcissist for 8 years now, and I’m more than exhausted from trying to stay and make it work, and try to feel good about it. It is one of the most impossible things anyone could ever try to do. And I wholeheartedly ask anyone involved with a narcissist to run for your life, they are never worth your health and happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thanks so much for sharing your story, Anna. Its so shattering to realise that up until the VERY end, and for a long time after we suffer from Vaknin’s “malignant optimism’ or ‘magical thinking’. I too held onto the same illusion that somehow, in spite of everything that he had done, there would be a ‘happily ever after’. Part of the major depressive slump now during No Contact has been detaching from this debilitating expectation fostered by me, and me alone. They are such lawless, unconscious individuals, sans integrity- it amazes me that I held onto my dream to the bitter, wretched end in spite of being discarded and devalued, subjected to silent treatment and mind boggling rages on a weekly basis. My solar plexis (self esteem) felt eviscerated throughout and no less so in recovery. I don’t see that I could manage No Contact without an understanding of narcissism- i would have kept going back. Its only the knowledge that the cognitive dissonance kept at arms length- that they can’t love you, won’t be accountable, and show no remorse that made awful sense of the experience. It’s like weening yourself off of a crystal meth addiction I imagine, perhaps worse! ANA articles were the starting point of ‘recovery'(if you can call numb shock, severe depression, panic attacks that!) and continue to be. There are so many inspirational examples here that show one can make it out of this deep, dark tunnel. Thank you so, so much!!


  8. I am waiting on the divorce papers from my narcissist and going through the courts for property settlement and to remain in full custody of my three children. My narcissist has already got engaged, got his fiancé pregnant, moved into a new home with her and her children and niece. He even has her brainwashed so she feels entitled to be with my narcissist and fights his battles for him. She has been abussive via text messages (I blocked her number), she started calling my home ( I hung up on her), she used my narcissist’s email address to abuse me. She is mirroring him well so will this relationship last? He apparently went on and on about how he wants to financially ruin me and get the kids full time. How can I get the Australian courts to change the domestic violence laws to incorporate Narcissistic abuse as a form of domestic violence?


  9. I have just left a relationship with an NPD man who I left my husband, sold my house and uprooted my children for – basically changed my life and those I loved for. It was text book when I look back (now with perfect hindsight sadly). He love-bombed me like no one else I have ever known at a time when I was incredibly vulnerable; he was a friend of my husband’s and came into my home and saw that things weren’t happy in my marriage and pursued me relentlessly with words of love and promises and affection that he saw I was lacking in. Within a few months I had told my husband it was over. This was the love I had been waiting for, the person I had so muc in common with, the man who wanted us to ‘take our last breath together’ and die by my side, that I had been ‘sent to him from his dead mother because he had asked for me on her death bed’ that I was the most wonderful human being he had ever met, beautiful, kind, deserving of so much better treatment than my husband had given me and how he would never ever treat a woman like me who he was so lucky to have like my husband had. You get the picture.

    Within a few months of blissful happiness I received a message from a woman saying she was in a relationship with him and had been for two years. How they had made plans together and had a life together and she asked me if he messaged me every morning (he did) and asked for sex pictures (he did), and phone sex (he did). She told me they were having sex still and asked if I had been having sex with him (I had). She told me I didn;t know who he really was (she was right) and that I would find out (again, right) and that he had done this all before to her and his ex before her. She then sent me intimate pictures of him which he’d sent her AND ONES SHE HAD SENT HIM, which was truly revolting.

    I was devastated. He denied it all. Flat out. Said she was a deluded stalker who was little more than a sex buddy and who he couldn;t get rid of and was out to destroy him; that she’d done it before with other people who were just friends. That she was mad, crazy, a psycho, a liar. That she had all her dates wrong, even though she had sworn on the lives of her own children that she was telliing me the truth. He said he had never ever cheated in his life and had only ever been cheated on, incidentally by everyone he’d ever been with. He denied and denied and denied until in the end, wanting to believe him, and wanting to give the benefit of the doubt I started to question if she was in fact lying. He told me he’d told her they would never be in a proper relationship and that she was bitter about all the men who’d left her before and making him a scapegoat.

    She went on to tell me that he continued to call her and say he still wanted her in his life but that he loved me. Eventually she said he was threatening her saying he would brick her windows if she continued to contact me. By this stage, he had begun the powerful brain washing and I BELIEVED him. Don’t hate me for it; I couldn’t hate myself more.

    He continued with his love bombing, idolizing me and making me feel so incredibly special that I just could not believe I was so loved and adored. It was bliss; the love, the sex, the future plans, the life we would have together, just us, it was more special than anything I have ever experienced in my life before. I continued emancipating myself from my husband and planning my life with him. I was happier than I ‘d ever been despite the ‘hiccup’ , I put it down to a jealous, jilted ex with a grudge to bear.

    A few weeks later, I had a nw website built for my job (I’m an author) and a ‘fan’ began messaging me asking me about my books and praising them. I try to reply to everyone who takes the time to say lovely things about my work so I responed thanking him. He started to try and engage me in conversation saying I was ‘beautiful’ and when would I be putting more pictures up of myself on my website. I ignored it. He persisted over the next few weeks, asking for pictures, trying to engage, nothing sexual but friendly – he was persistent. I told my Narc about him and he told me to get used to such attention as I am a writer and beautiful. We laughed.

    Then, some weeks later, my ‘fan’ who was called ‘Stephan’ requested me on facebook. He apologised for not having many friends and that he was new to it. He looked hansdome and was pictured in a cockpit of a plane, as if he was a pilot. I told my Narc about him and he said, ‘just my luck he’s a good looking pilot! befirend him’ and I did. Immediately he began a dialogue with me. I kept my answers short and professional – this, as far as I was concerned was someone who read and appreciated my work – but soon he began attempting to steer the conversation into something sexual. Overtly sexual. He asked if I had a boyfriend and I said I did. He began to get innapropriate and I told him so and that I was ending the conversation. He then mentioned my narc by name, which threw me totally. Who was this person?

    I called my Narc and he suggested it was my husband or the ‘crazy’ girl who had been stalking him. I confronted her asking her if it was. She flatly denied it and said she had moved on. I knew it wasnlt my hsuband because we’d been together 12 years and it was just not something he would do. And then the penny dropped.

    He admitted it was him all along (12 weeks in total, when we were I thought blissfully happy) and that he’d done it to see if I would engage in sexual conversation with another man. I was, I can say, so totally devastated that I threw up. The betrayal and level of calculated deceit, especially since I had told my husband it was over and in the process of selling my home knocked me sideways. I couldn’t didn;t want to believe it was HIM who had done this to me, a man I was loving so completely and confessing all my life, heart and soul to. It all but destroyed me. BUT I DIDN’T LEAVE.

    He was so sorry, so dreadfully sorry; he’d ben sexually abused as a child and was insecure, he couldn’t believe someone like me could ever love someone like him, he begged my forgiveness. Pleaded with me to help him, not to leave him. That he would seek help and that he knew he had done so wrong.

    I went to him and COMFORTED HIM. Told him I would always help him and that although I was dreadfully hurt I would not abandoned him as he claimed everyone else had. He promised he would make it up to me. I believed him. I told him I could forgive him but that it had wrecked my trust in him again, especially after what had happened with his ‘mad’ ex.

    He never did get help. I soon realised he didn;t really believe he needed any. I left my husband and home and moved to another house. He was out of work at this point and was still making me the most important thing in his world. I didn’t fully trust him of course but still i went ahead.

    My husband refused to allow him to be near our children and threatened me with court if he was going to be living with me. I panicked and told my narc that we needed to let the dust settle before he moved in properly. This was when the rage came. When I put my children first, I saw it for the first time. And boy was it ugly.

    the abuse came thick and fast; the monster appeared out of nowhere, blind siding me totally. Where had this wonderful, compasionate, beautoful, kind, loving, damaged, vulnerable soulmate gone and who was this? This angry, abusive, aggressive, nasty man I did not recognise?

    I tried to juggle it all; my feelings, his feelings, my ex’s feelings, my children’s feelings, my job…but there was no understanding, no compassion, no empathy for anyone but himself. He wanted to move in my house which was paid for, not working, take over, control and expected me to sever all ties overnight, The fact I couldn’t (who can) made me entirely responsible and for that I had to pay. He could not have what he wanted overnight, even though he had my love and committment still, that was not enough. I tried to explain that the dust needed to settle just for a bit and that we could could work through it together but suddenly I was ‘weak’ my ex’s ‘puppet’ and ‘bitch’.He turned on me like I have never seen anyone do in ll my 42 years.

    I couldn’t understand how he had gone from one thing to the other so quickly and so brutally. when I needed his love and understanding an support more than ever. Again it left me devastated. I couldn’t correlate the two and assumed the situaton had to be to blame for such a shocking brutal turnaround.

    The abuse was relentless. The name calling ans swearing, the screaming and aggression, the accusations, and blame,.. I ‘didn’t want him’ didn’t love him enough, thought I could do better…thoght I was too good, too pretty, too smart, too southern for his lowly northerness. I was a gold digger (he had no money at all!) an exhibitionist, needed validation from other men, an adulteress who would always cheat…it was relentless.

    I would spend hours upon hours when I should have been working or caring for my children trying to make him understand that this was just a problem to be solved and that we could have it all if he could just show a little compassion and understanding..just let the dust settle. We cpould still spend as much time together as possible with him being at my house every other week. when my children were with their father – for now at least..Not good enough.

    We went to LA ( he married a woman for a green card – another red flag i refused to see, and of course she was abusibe to him and put him through hell) and initially it was wonderful. Until the dark clouds came for no reason. I was apparently looking at a man in a shop, staring at his crotch, and then came the abuse later on, he abandoned me in a bar alone in La and a girl and her friends came and sat with me after seeing me crying. He was so enraged he made a huge scene and said ‘it’s them or me’ I chose them. nd went back to her apartment where she called me a cab. When I arrived back to our hotel he physically attacked me after i pushed him out of my face, he kicked, bit and punched me.

    The next day he was sorry of course, because he was scared |I would report it and he would lose his precious green card. But he wasn’t sorry of course, months later he would tell me how it was all my own fault.

    I tried to leave him then but he hoovered every time. I had no idea what I was dealing with. In a state of panic and confusion. This had to work; i had left so very much for it to. made so many sacrifices but even that would be thrown back at me in the end.

    After La I fought back – the worst thing I could’ve done. I refused to see him so the sbuse got worse. and worse. I told family and friends about it, even my ex. I wanted out. BUt then the love bombing began again…and even though I was sceptical, I wanted it so bad. I was hooked. I was ill. By now I was the purest form of supply.

    There are so many incidents I could write about so I will just include the major ones, I’m sure you can read between the lines. But it carried on…I was to blame for what happened in LA, if only I had not been speaking to those people….if only I was not so weak as to do exactly what my husband said…if only I just obeyed and catered to his every whim then none of this would have happened…

    I tied myself in knots trying to please him, to do everythig I could and then I stopped. Had an epiphany after months of abuse, months and months that saw him annihilate me, distort the truth, slander me, blame me, abuse me, have people turn their backs on me,.. the lies he told about me to other people… it was so calculated and cruel… so I started to fight back but without letting go. Big mistake, because his hate and spite would usurp anything i was capable of. Ever.

    After months and months of abuse, texts and calls 100 a day sometimes, I decided to go to italy and see some friends, one of which I stupidly told him in the begiining that there was once, ONCE but not now, years later an attraction to. It never culminated in anything and stayed a friednship. He was allowed to have all his ex girlfriend’s on his facebook, but he was obsessed with mine. If I ever put a picture up he accused me of all sorts. If a man liked it I was a validation whore. Eventually he made me just as as bad as him and I became complicit in it. Knowing that someone who accuses you of being something is really saying they are capable of it themselves, if not doing it, which I’m sure he was. When he liked a stripper#s pictures it was ‘accidental’ when he favourited an ex’s semi-naked pic it was an ‘unfortunate coincidence’ it spun my head and heart always.

    The abuse contunued until I made a complaint to the police. He ws incensed. But I could not take the harrasmment and attack on my character any longer. This was a man I change my whole life for who kept telling me ‘stop fucking whining on about what you’ve done for this relationship’ . I still couldn’t believe it. I STILL hoped he would change.and be my baby biy again,. that man who showed me so much love. I wanted that.

    ‘It’s still there’ he would say to me, ‘while simultaneously destroying me.

    There was ‘love; and ‘goodness; throghout of course, that kept me there, held prisioner while he held his whip above me. we supposedly turned a corner and for the first time in ages I truly believed (dont hate me) that this could be ok. I would have my happy endig after moving four times in a year, losing everything and going through so much upheaval.

    And then I saw he’d messaged an ex girlfriend with a suggestive message. It was the final straw for me after two years, my family and friends begging me to get out and that he wasn’t deserved of a second more of my time and what had happened to me, I fought back by telling him I was going to meet another man. It was a lie . but said in hurt and anger, a mistake, But I am human. I wanmted him to hurt like I was. I STILL loved him. How incredible. What was wrong with me.

    He destroyed me afterwards.Distanced himself, devalued me, trashed me, was the most evil I have I have known anyone with a beating heart to be. it didn’t matter that he’d messaged his ex with suggestive comment. I was just paraonoid and needy, i miscontrued it all, meant nothing. I have a degree, have written four novels and have two children. I am stupid, but I’m not stupid. I ‘d given up on his lies by then. It has, was and alwats be a cycle of denial and blame. My narc would tell you the moon was saquare and you would would find yourself asking, is it? Have i got it wrong all this time?

    I begged his forgivness for saying I was meeting another man and playing his horrible twisted game. But it jjust gave him so much pleasure to watch my pain.. I offered a new start but of course he would never accept such an opportinity and I realise finally there never would be one. He punished me relentlessly, blamed me and everyone else relentllesslt for his own actions and for a siyuation that he nor i controlled. Contoll is everything to these people.

    In the end I was a drunk and a cheating whore. though I am neither of these things to him. or anyone. He had me believing it all. There was no reasonig, no discussion, i was always shouted down in the end. When he met me I was a vibrant, funny, feisty, successful woman with joi du vive . He took it all, but not quite. To live my life will be the best revenge, only revenge isn;t what suits me. I never wanted that. Just the love that he promised me in the beginning. I will get it, just not with him. Some people for a reason, some for a season, some for a lesson and some for life. He was everything but the latter.



  10. I am in absolutely tears as I read this commentary. I was married for over 25 years to a narcissist, and with all the therapy I received this is what I needed. My divorce was over 4 years ago, but it seemed to never end. I no longer have a relationship with my precious granddaughter because of him,and being left completely soul wrenching destroyed by him this article now makes sense in what was happening to me. The one correct thing I did was stop all contact within a month of my separation. I have never spoken to him since, but until last year when he achieved at hurting me the worst way by trying to destroy my relationship with my granddaughter I know he thinks he won. But he hasn’t, she will realize he only did to her to get to me, and my love and door is always open. It will never close and he will not get away with it. I know when I tell you this, I will be believed, he tried to have me harmed, and thank god my family and the police took it serious. I know I will survive and the site will make it so much better for anyone going though it. As you say you will never no the truth because they don’t know the truth, you will never understand so stop trying, and like you say, heal yourself, and have a good life.


  11. I was useful for 25 yrs. (23 married) then once he became physically ill and his family began paying attention to him our boys and I quickly became “UN-USEFUL”…a narcissist is a vicious person. It took me all of our married life to realize what he was and once I “SAW” it I thought I was the crazy one then he really began doing more and more in his final days and I knew I was not crazy!! Alienated both boys, changed the life policy beneficiaries to his sisters, tried to kick me and our boys out of the only home we have ever known…totally insane….


  12. Excellent post, but I’m not sure it’s possible to forget them completely. Maybe we shouldn’t! We just don’t have to dwell on them compulsively all the time. I learned valuable lessons that have continued to protect me from falling for anymore of these people as I’ve continued to move on with my life. That’s the good thing I think we can take away.



    Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

    From:”After Narcissistic Abuse” Date:Sun, May 31, 2015 at 4:07 PM Subject:[New post] Devalued, thrown away and tossed onto the Junk Heap! WHY? The REALITY of what defines being a source of ‘Narcissistic Supply!’ NOBODY is special, or ‘the one and only’ for a Narcissist we are all part of a network of supply!

    ANA – After Narcissistic Abuse posted: ” Most every target/victim has been totally derailed by the sudden devaluation and discard that they have personally experienced in their relationship with a Narcissist. You believed you were the only one and so very important and loved by them. You also “

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Hello,
    For the last year I have slowly but surely been coming to the realization and painful discovery and education that the man I was with for over 10 years is indeed a narcissist/psychopath/sociopath.
    Always was… and always will be.

    The man I was so completely sure was ‘the one’ for me.
    My night in shining armour.
    The labels/descriptions all seem to intertwine… but at least there is a label now to grab onto.

    Unfortunately, realization does not yet equal acceptance.
    It is an impossible pill to swallow.
    When you truly believed with all of your heart that you ‘meant something’ to someone, to now have to truly try to believe, understand and accept that you actually meant nothing all along.
    Well… a work in progress for sure.
    And there are many days when it’s just too much work.
    It is a deep betrayal not only of who they were/are…. but of my own beliefs.
    And maybe most of all, behavior and abuse I chose to accept, all in the name of ‘hope’.
    Hope for better days, hope he would change, hope he would be the man I truly was led to believe he actually was.

    I have learned so much through this journey.
    I have read more about this topic than I have ever read in my entire life.
    Sometimes I would feel that I’ve probably depleted the internet, there just can’t be more, and yet there always is.
    Which in some way is comforting.. and a little less isolating.

    I’ve learned who my friends really are, and who I thought were my friends, but when push came to shove, were not willing to ‘believe me’… and tired quickly of the person I had become through this abuse.
    Even the ones who knew the ‘real me’… the me they knew before this experience.
    And wanted me to quickly ‘get over it.’

    I learned that I spent 50 years adhering to all the ‘shoulds’ of the world and society.
    I should believe, I should accept, I should give another chance, I shouldn’t believe the worst, I should be tolerant.
    In a nutshell… I ‘should’ put myself last…. for the sake of ‘keeping the peace.’
    And I learned that by accepting all of those “shoulds”…. not only was the narcissist destroying my spirit, but I was doing a pretty good job of destroying it myself.

    I have read hundreds of articles, and probably thousands of comments written underneath, silently, never leaving a comment, just trying to absorb that not only did this happen to so many people, so many….but accept that it happened to me.
    That I now am part of this ‘club.’
    And those lucky enough to not have experienced this type of abuse, simply do not understand…. and they never will… not even close.
    How can you possibly understand an internal pain so deep.
    I’ve learned to be more tolerant of the people who aren’t part of the club, and also be more grateful to the people who are part of this distinct club.

    And so, for the first time, Greg, I am leaving my comments.
    Because this article of yours I have now read for the third time, encapsulated every single thought, feeling, emotion, hurt, pain…. and most of all…. truth.

    And I wanted to sincerely thank you for taking the time and effort and courage to write this particular article.
    You have written so many, and I do believe I’ve read every one of them over the last year…always silently…. gaining just a little more every time.

    Will I ever truly understand that there are people out there, so many, who thrive on the pain of others?
    Probably not.
    And maybe today… because of your article…. that’s ok.
    Because maybe today… what I do know for sure, is that is not who “I” am….
    I thrive on other people’s joy… it’s a beautiful power of it’s own, to be able to make the difference of creating joy in another person’s life, instead of pain.
    That’s the kind of club I will work at every day at keeping my membership.

    And so now is my time to say thank you….for this particular article.
    This is the one that may finally be a turning point for me.
    And how could I possibly be silent about something like that.

    Still plenty of ‘work in progress’…. but maybe today feels like the first time in a very long time that the ‘work’ actually does feel like it may be worth the tremendous and painful effort.

    You have made a difference to me today.
    And I sincerely thank you.
    And am grateful.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Thank you for this information. It is so true and helpful to me. I am still trying to heal and recover from an abusive relationship of 28 yrs. I’ve been divorced for 4 yrs and it still hurts. This crazy man out of the blue married some woman for appearance sake and posted pics all over social media like a middle school kid. He has master-minded my daughters who alienate my grands from me but bring them around this monster.(saddens me) He lives in our home that he drove me out of. They go back and forth between our home and her house which her deceased husband left her. She is retired, living off her retirement and her dead husbands benefits. Plus she is 10 yrs his senior. She can’t be mentally stable. And my son who lives away has never met this woman. (how disrespectful)

    We recently had an event for my 5 yr old grand. He was alone which I figured he would be. I had not seen this evil man in a while and he looked awful!! He looked unclean. He couldn’t even look me in the eye. Nor would he take a picture standing near me. I do not have any desires for this man. I know he is a big time N. but it still bothers me that he feels he owes me nothing and has a right to enjoy what he took away from me with some low self-esteemed old woman.

    Even though I feel good about myself. I have no desires to be in a new relationship with anyone. I am just not ready.


    • narcissists are soul sucking pathological lying criminals, unfortunately my conclusion with past narc ended with him torching my car i just got on my golden birthday!!! what a waste of 3 years of my life, but man it sure makes u psycholgically wowed to understand exactly what a narcissitic parasite is!!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Pingback: Devalued, thrown away and tossed onto the Junk Heap! WHY? The REALITY of what defines being a source of ‘Narcissistic Supply!’ NOBODY is special, or ‘the one and only’ for a Narcissist we are all part of a network of supply! | A Covert Narcissist&

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