From Charm to Harm – the chaos and crazy making that defines the Narcissist and the abuse!
The Narcissist’s mind is very disorganized BUT compartmentalized and precariously balanced to meet his/her NEEDS always! We all have our roles to support their grandiose world of lies AND that is what our worth to them comprises. We are only there to ‘feed’ the Narcissist because they NEED us to regulate their false sense of self-worth by consuming Narcissistic Supply from us and others.
We are only lifeless objects in their world! Narcissistic supply is like a drug that the Narcissist is addicted to. Any threat or interruption to their flow of supply compromises the Narcissists psychological integrity and ability to function. This is perceived by the Narcissist as life threatening. It is what is clinically known as Narcissistic injury. A Narcissist needs supply 24/7 so more than likely you are not the ONLY person having a relationship with them – you may be their main source but that doesn’t guarantee anything but disaster. Narcissists are known to have multiple relationships going on at the same time. They are so good at hiding these affairs or the supply on the side, but they are just too needy to be careful enough and they eventually get caught. The Narcissist I knew was/is still on every dating or sex site looking to connect with anybody and pretending to be in a relationship. It gives me material to help educate people about the reality and truth as it concerns a Narcissist! The truth is what we need to internalize and then move forward.
That grandiose, omnipotent and false self is nothing but a concocted and ever changing role the Narcissist creates so that they fit into our world like puzzle pieces. Consider the fact that ‘normal’ people BELIEVE in love and relationships and basically trust that the person they meet and grow with will be normal in return. Most ‘normal’ people are aware of jerks, but many are not aware of a predator called a Narcissist that abuses relationships. Narcissist’s create different roles to match the needs of the next AND the next person that they are conning into their world. We are only a reflection in the
Narcissist’s many mirrors that reflect that grand image back to them and makes them feel real. The Narcissist is incapable of feeling, or experiencing emotions, love, growth or any human dynamic that involves any type of relationship with another. Relationships to them are a means to an end and that is basically extracting supply or conning people into believing they are real participants in a relationship so the Narcissist can extort what they can. The Narcissist has fully mastered the dynamic process of conning the world with the ever changing charades they play with life because the payoff is huge AND the only way they can survive in the REAL world. Their image is also important in this process so they APPEAR to be normal, moral and good because they have to keep their personal demons at bay through their projection (that ‘fake good,’ the accurate ‘bad’ and the ‘real ugly’ projection that seeps out and defines them!) This concept is very hard for ‘normal’ people to understand because we are wired with empathy, love, trust, acceptance and many other qualities that enable bonding and growth with other human beings. The Narcissist depends upon creating and imitating this bond through lies, manipulation and that façade to gain our trust and acceptance into their world because they harvest people to supply them with ALL of their needs.
As rigid as this definition sounds it is merely the truth that any relationship we have with them is based solely on our interpretation, acceptance and belief in that Narcissist’s facade. The Narcissist just plays along as a con artist does. The love, dreams, promises, relationship, marriage, biological children, etc., is just part of the fiction as personal and believable as it all was to you! We are just the ‘new supply’ because this Narcissist is fleeing from their last criminal act of abuse and if you think back they were coming out of a relationship when they met you, and whose fault was it as far as it concerned that last relationship – their ‘ex’s’ fault! Yes they are akin to criminals. We HAVE to accept the truth and define them in the realistic light of what they are to detach from any and all emotional connections. You could get more love from a rock then you could from a Narcissist.
A Narcissist will completely lie to your face, without flinching, and there is absolutely nothing you can do but believe them because you perceive it as a normal conversation and trust that you are talking to a normal and honest person – ESPECIALLY in the beginning when they are charming or seducing you into their world. In fact the Narcissist does not even consider that their lies are lies at all. They ARE the truth to the Narcissist because it is all part of their working agenda to con you in or just what they need to do. It is THEIR ‘game’ and facade that they need to emulate to seduce you into their disorder and support their agenda. This is just your turn to be used and abused because of your unfortunate connection. You were at the right place at the wrong time – or better yet at the wrong place at the wrong time and you are now the latest target/victim. You believe them, because we generally believe people and many of the Narcissist’s lies do not sound or feel like lies because their lies are all encompassing and personal as it concerns seducing us. There are little lies, bigger lies, hideous lies and everything in between – they are ONE BIG LIE.
Unfortunately on this journey the Narcissist will betray, manipulate, prey on your vulnerabilities and make you pay for your involvement with them. Their hate and envy burns inside of them and surfaces as if it is your fault that they are as disordered and they take you down into their darkness. They blame and shame you for their indiscretions in life. WHY – because in time you make them face reality and they SEE their REAL reflection in your eyes. They can’t accept the truth so they act out and make YOU and your amazing love wrong, and disable it as well as you. When you hurt they feel accomplished in the fact that they forced you to feel their pain as retribution for how the world has wronged them. They will never see anything else but fault in people and life and without empathy or the ability to love THEY JUST DON’T CARE! It would be like trying to house train an alligator and inviting it into your home as a beloved pet. It will eat you when it gets the first opportunity because that is what it does and it doesn’t feel anything but perhaps full after its meal! It doesn’t love or regret its actions, it just feeds off of whatever it can get – so does a Narcissist. The Narcissist is adept at luring you into its trap so it is more predatory than the alligator.
We just don’t perceive most things people tell us as ‘out and out’ lies meant to deceive us into an abusive situation, YET ALONE a person whose entire life is built on one huge series of lies to extort and destroy people. Narcissists are pathological liars. From the very beginning of your relationship you placed your trust and hopes in them, derived your energy, direction, stability, and confidence from your association or relationship with them AND it was real to YOU. The Narcissist played right along and even encouraged this special relationship with them, BUT AGAIN this was all fictional and part of their agenda. Unfortunately lying is the Narcissist’s ‘norm,’ so the Narcissist wonders what the problem is because they pretend to be so supportive, pretend to love you, provide you with the benefits of their amazing charm and personality – so they are providing you a service and so what if it comes with a price?
The Narcissist believes they are worth it and then some – you got something out of this so what if they disabled your life completely. If goes far beyond the lies because you are dealing with a creature that is completely void of empathy and can rationalize their lies, betrayal, or how they extort your life out from underneath you and everything else, right down to the damage they have even imposed on their biological children because they are malevolent, and malignant abusers or a NARCISSIST. They completely walk away from their families without a thought except to blame. They will PRETEND to be a loving parent after the fact but that is just more of their façade to maintain that saintly appearance to the outside world. This is their mindset and how they are wired and there is no changing them. This is their Grandiosity that is built right into that façade and every other facade they personally create.
The Narcissist I had the misfortune of knowing had numerous one night stands the first year we were together (and basically all throughout the relationship) – these were more like perverted hookups with anybody that said yes to the Narcissist’s advances from sex sites AND sight unseen. I learned all of this after the fact of course and didn’t realize I met a deviant because the con job was just so seamless and complete with the moral package and everything else. In reality my intuition was questioning that there was a possibility of an affair(s), but I NEVER realized the extent of it and was shocked when I found out the truth – AND who wouldn’t be especially when it is compounded by that HUGE façade of love and embellished by the many other lies.
The second year this Narcissist started another relationship and tried to hide it from me. It is not a matter of them looking for BETTER supply, it is them looking for ANY and constant supply so multiple relationships are a very common occurrence with them. These were not normal or savory people, instead they were people whose lives bottomed out and were consumed by drugs and alcohol, sexual addicts that frequented online sites, etc., and to a Narcissist ‘any port in a storm’ is the norm or easy prey when it comes to supply – especially supply on the side. In reality my Narcissist was no better than the ‘extra supply’ they sought out on the side, BUT very adept or amazing at hiding the truth because it was a lifelong pattern and part of the Narcissist’s dysfunctional disorder. This Narcissist even put a previous marriage (and family) in harm’s way because of this pattern and was caught in the act. Again who was at fault and who was blamed? Did it matter that there were children involved and the embarrassment to them? Basically no to all of it and the ex-spouse was lying because none of this ever happened, just like none of this ever happened to me. Just for a point of reference it was my Narcissist’s mother that revealed these stories concerning the ex-spouse and asked if I knew anything or could shed light on the situation.
To go a little deeper into the reality with my personal example, one of these affairs was with a man that is a known drug addict and dealer, as well as a known criminal that ran a shady business that conned money out of people with shabby and overpriced work. The Narcissist’s mother was one of these people that suffered from the shabby work and THAT is how my Narcissist made the sexual connection (after meeting with the man to get him to do corrective repairs.) It shows the depth of a Narcissist and how they would use ANY opportunity to connect with supply – even if that supply caused the Narcissist’s own mother damage. When I asked why – my Narcissist’s answer was that it was a matter of being seduced into a sexual situation because this man said how gorgeous my Narcissist was. Well now that is a perfectly viable reason for sure – if you are not a fully functioning human being and think the world is just that stupid.
The truth is my Narcissist seduced this loser into the situation because it was easy to do so and that was simply BOTH of their patterns – or two con artists meeting each other and doing what they do best. My narcissist chased after this man and even ended up working for him and lied about that too. I didn’t matter in any of this, nor was there any thought given as to the harm it would cause me and this exact same pattern that existed when my Narcissist was married (prior to us meeting.) No wonder nobody believes us because our stories ARE so incredulous and we sound weak for putting up with this. Who would believe that all of this was going on? I had no concept that is was as extreme as it was. But they are horrendous liars and hide seamlessly behind these lies as well as their out of control world! We sound like we are the ‘crazy ones’ telling these stories or like our life was a three ring circus and somehow we enjoyed the negative attention. When we find out the truth, it is many years later and by then too late because the damage has been done to us!
A Narcissist is an addict to supply so these ‘hookups’ were basically ‘water finding its level’ or where the Narcissist SHOULD really go to meet supply and satisfy their needy addictions. They belong with people at their dark, disgusting, and low level as well as they should stay there and leave good people alone. BUT they need good and amazing people like us to shore up their façade and to make the Narcissist feel some sort of delusional goodness by being at OUR level. It was difficult for me to actualize just how totally perverted this Narcissist was BUT that is because I ‘believed’ in them at the time. Now I know better, and unfortunately I didn’t live in the same community that my Narcissist did and I never knew that this was just my Narcissist’s pattern and what they were/are known for being.
A Narcissist finds acceptance in their consistent one night stands and believe that they are ‘all that and a bag of chips too!’ I don’t mean to make light of an abusive person or situation but this is the truth I had to learn and internalize before I moved on and so completely away from this monster. It raised me to a higher plane that displaced all the negative messages, the blame, and from me being everything from crazy, jealous, dysfunctional and worthless. I along with a prior ex-spouse became a casualty of this Narcissist’s wrath and of course our integrity was smeared by this Narcissist in an attempt to destroy us to avoid exposure. Just what they do! I can recall the crazy stories and lies about my Narcissist’s ex-spouse having affairs, lying, being crazy, etc., etc.
The Narcissist creates a viable support system with their minions or cult members that the Narcissist also lies to and they are none the wiser to this creature’s agenda of abuse or that they are participants in shoring up the Narcissist’s façade of purity and goodness. The Narcissist creates their own little world of lies and fictitious stories that includes a ‘support team’ or minions that they charm into their life also. So if you were to question anything about them and ask one of their minions, they will support the Narcissist’s many lies and say just how amazing they are. That Narcissist is a very shrewd and manipulative creature that controls their complete environment picking and choosing the RIGHT people to support that ‘big lie’ that is their life. The Narcissist will also pull their little minions and soldiers in by enlisting them to support their smear campaign when the time comes that he/she needs them to fight and protect that façade so the Narcissists slithers out of more abuse.
Within the Narcissist’s support system, he/she also expects awe, admiration, adulation, and constant attention commensurate with his/her outlandish stories, assertions, and lies. AGAIN a team to support the Narcissist’s agenda. The Narcissist uses their many ‘surface’ people/friends to reinterpret reality to fit the Narcissist’s fantasies AND lies. Simply put the Narcissist easily charms and seduces these minions to carry out his/her claims to be infallible, superior, talented, skillful, omnipotent, and omniscient. It could be aptly defined as good public relations as far as the Narcissist is concerned because they are basically selling a product – THEMSELVES! In actuality if you were to get real with one of these support minions they could not tell you much more about the Narcissist except what has been drilled into their heads (the lies!) The relationships are just surface friends that don’t go deep by any means nor will you find any sense of history as it concerns the Narcissist’s past because the Narcissist keeps their past away from their present and vice versa AND again based on lies to hide anything unsavory or abusive.
NOW if you were to connect to the very people that were in a past ‘relationship’ with (intimate) you would probably hear the hideous truth about this creature! I sure did – but after the fact unfortunately. Seriously in all of the years that I knew my Narcissist I never met ONE friend from the Narcissist’s past because there were NONE. There were lots of stories about these amazing friends but none materialized! I would always hear this though AND out of the blue like my Narcissist was trying to prove something: “Look at all of the friends I have on Facebook and look at how many you have.” Always a confabulation or a very flimsy ‘image’ of the truth.
These ‘many’ friends were the Narcissist’s cheerleaders that always respond to a picture or event with a compliment and that is as deep as it went. There were no family or exes among the many Facebook friends my Narcissist bragged about. After all was said and done in my personal adventure with a Narcissist I realized that our real role is to babysit these creatures, entertain them, pay their way, and even play ‘love’ with them until the truth becomes apparent about how dysfunctional and dangerous they are. Unfortunately we pay a huge debt for our connections with them.
A Narcissist is not a normal person acting on normal human premises. Look at the many ways you have been punished throughout your relationship say for instance with the silent treatment. This is to make you out as unworthy of consideration from the Narcissist or like dirt beneath his/her feet. Every action or better yet reaction is there positively or negatively to deflect from the truth of what they are and what they are doing behind your back OR learning the truth of their past discretions. They HAVE to constantly deflect from the truth that is why we are devalued AND finally discarded because the truth becomes so apparent and they see it reflected in our responses!
Lies always fill in the blanks and you ACCEPT what they say at face value or you are severely punished. This is the conditioning that a target/victim deals with on a regular basis. Couple this with the managing down constantly to make you feel like you are the disordered one and always over-reacting, jealous, and worthless. The Narcissist is again posing in that mirror, with their pretend grandeur with respect to you and your reactions. Your reactions MUST always reflect their grandeur. They do take an active role in all of this to the point of even believing their delusional depiction of whatever saintly character they are imitating because it is a working part of their con and serves their purpose. They have no reality so whatever opportunity arises to create a working personality they will jump right into the role because of the opportunity of new supply and a new con job. We are the believers that they need so they shrewdly interview us to see just what opportunity is there within us. Add the seduction and the Narcissist has the makings of new supply!
The Narcissist is also an egomaniac and feels so deserving of getting whatever they can from people and life without earning it – this is part of their infliction and what makes them a Narcissist. They are BETTER than everybody, deserving of EVERYTHING they want in life, and above reprise for their actions. It is of no concern to them if they abuse people or break the law to do so. They act out the part of royalty who feel insulted by the ‘ordinary,’ or dealing with unworthy subjects, like you expecting his/her majesty’s affirmation or attention – you are just one of their subjects. It is all part of the fictional novel going on in the Narcissist’s childish mind, that magnanimous work of fiction about themselves in which he/she is the star of a great masterpiece all about themselves. Little children do the same thing in their play fantasies. The Narcissist totally IDENTIFIES with the fictional character that he/she creates in that mirror that is us. You have but a bit part in this show as a character (one of many) that exists to reflect the Narcissist’s greatness through your interactions with them period (and serve their every need!) They will always share how amazing they are and how they have so many friends, how their family and children love them, etc.
BUT in reality what they share are usually bits and pieces of small truths that really concern the direct opposite and just part of the ‘charm’ and seduction. Their family rejects their hideous actions or perversions that they have inflicted on them but it is always somebody else’s fault. Everybody else picks up the slack for these creatures like raising a family, paying the bills and keeping up the real responsibilities in life. The real relationship with them is no give and all take, no love, just nothing but serving the Narcissist – the rest is their fictional story that you believe and locks you into what you believe is a relationship and unfortunately love.
You will fall out of grace when your eyes reflect the disdain of their lies and manipulation and you will enter a battle with them where they will destroy you for making them face the reality of who they really are. They will just run off after they have destroyed your integrity and start up a new life of abuse with someone else. Yet, deep down inside, the Narcissist is aware that their life is a sham, and they are vulnerable as far as being exposed that is why they did a ‘hit and run’ with you and every other person they abused. They are always a step or ten ahead of the game and have gathered up every bit of personal information they can use against you to destroy your integrity so that your voice becomes weak and unheard when you start to speak out. Their out of control life is a constant reminder of how unstable their amazing world is AND how weak and feeble they really are! Clinically this is described as the Narcissist’s Grandiosity Gap.
The Narcissist can pretend to know everything, in every field of the human condition and is seamless with all of the knowledge that spills out. Again they are all confabulations and lies that the Narcissist prevaricates to avoid the exposure of their real ignorance. Their knowledge is just copycat information that has no basis or has been earned from real life lessons, or out of compassion and backed up by empathy. The Narcissist only resorts to numerous prefabricated ‘imitations of life’ to support their God-like omnipotence. What goes on in the shadows is what really exists and that is their vast neediness and out-of-control lifestyle that betrays all of life and love.
The Narcissist’s life sounds unusually rich, embellished and complex. Their achievements and stories are NEVER commensurate with their age, education, or job history. Their stories NEVER seem to add up, BUT they are remarkable with recalling their lies and stories to support their facade. Their failed marriages and relationships are always such woe-be-me stories where they are the one that suffered under the weight of abuse. That should be a clear sign to all of us when they start begging for our sympathy, but we want to believe and a Narcissist loves to seduce us in with their sympathetic stories.
I recall when my Narcissist met someone new because I was just too wise to the lies, there was a post on Facebook where the new target was praying for my Narcissist because of family problems – a sister having surgery, a biological child in jail, AND the familiar Narcissistic attack on MY integrity that I abused my poor Narcissist because of one mistake the Narcissist made. This one mistake was a 3 month affair that was real, but the new target didn’t realize that it was one of at least 25 or more affairs that I learned about. The new target was shouting out for prayers to help my poor Narcissist. That is beyond crazy to me and it is ridiculous and irresponsible for an adult or anyone to use Facebook to put this type of personal information out there without the truth to back it up.
BUT this is what the Narcissist wants and pushes the target into advertising for them or supporting their ‘smear campaign!’ Unfortunately the new supply didn’t know that my Narcissist was in a relationship with me while all of this was going on. I had no interest in getting the truth out to this new supply, because they were acting out for the Narcissist and I wasn’t going to join in on a delusional battle to open myself up for more chaos and crazy making – enough was enough! I am years past my abuse but my passion lies in helping other people achieve their ‘ah ha’ moment about a Narcissist and this disabling abuse. Whatever I can say to help all people understand this abuse and raise awareness I will do it. If I can speak through my experiences to explain the ‘crazy’ because I have a strong voice, I will explain that crazy at whatever expense or cost. It is worth it if it brings this abuse to a level where people know the early warning signs as it concerns one of these creatures, as well as desensitizes the belief that all of our stories are too incredulous to be true!.
Please if you recognize these patterns in your relationship move on. If you hear a loved one or friend describing their relationship in the manner described in this article be there, listen, support and get them away from this abuse before it destroys them. This abuse is never singular in nature because it affects complete families. No/Minimal contact to start on the road to recovery and back to a real life! Greg