From Charm to Harm – the chaos and crazy making that defines the Narcissist and the abuse!

PhotoFunia Motivator Regular 2015-05-03 02 31 10

The Narcissist’s mind is very disorganized BUT compartmentalized and precariously balanced to meet his/her NEEDS always! We all have our roles to support their grandiose world of lies AND that is what our worth to them comprises. We are only there to ‘feed’ the Narcissist because they NEED us to regulate their false sense of self-worth by consuming Narcissistic Supply from us and others.

We are only lifeless objects in their world! Narcissistic supply is like a drug that the Narcissist is addicted to. Any threat or interruption to their flow of supply compromises the Narcissists psychological integrity and ability to function. This is perceived by the Narcissist as life threatening. It is what is clinically known as Narcissistic injury. A Narcissist needs supply 24/7 so more than likely you are not the ONLY person having a relationship with them – you may be their main source but that doesn’t guarantee anything but disaster. Narcissists are known to have multiple relationships going on at the same time. They are so good at hiding these affairs or the supply on the side, but they are just too needy to be careful enough and they eventually get caught. The Narcissist I knew was/is still on every dating or sex site looking to connect with anybody and pretending to be in a relationship. It gives me material to help educate people about the reality and truth as it concerns a Narcissist! The truth is what we need to internalize and then move forward.

That grandiose, omnipotent and false self is nothing but a concocted and ever changing role the Narcissist creates so that they fit into our world like puzzle pieces. Consider the fact that ‘normal’ people BELIEVE in love and relationships and basically trust that the person they meet and grow with will be normal in return. Most ‘normal’ people are aware of jerks, but many are not aware of a predator called a Narcissist that abuses relationships. Narcissist’s create different roles to match the needs of the next AND the next person that they are conning into their world. We are only a reflection in the

Narcissist’s many mirrors that reflect that grand image back to them and makes them feel real. The Narcissist is incapable of feeling, or experiencing emotions, love, growth or any human dynamic that involves any type of relationship with another. Relationships to them are a means to an end and that is basically extracting supply or conning people into believing they are real participants in a relationship so the Narcissist can extort what they can. The Narcissist has fully mastered the dynamic process of conning the world with the ever changing charades they play with life because the payoff is huge AND the only way they can survive in the REAL world. Their image is also important in this process so they APPEAR to be normal, moral and good because they have to keep their personal demons at bay through their projection (that ‘fake good,’ the accurate ‘bad’ and the ‘real ugly’ projection that seeps out and defines them!) This concept is very hard for ‘normal’ people to understand because we are wired with empathy, love, trust, acceptance and many other qualities that enable bonding and growth with other human beings. The Narcissist depends upon creating and imitating this bond through lies, manipulation and that façade to gain our trust and acceptance into their world because they harvest people to supply them with ALL of their needs.

As rigid as this definition sounds it is merely the truth that any relationship we have with them is based solely on our interpretation, acceptance and belief in that Narcissist’s facade. The Narcissist just plays along as a con artist does. The love, dreams, promises, relationship, marriage, biological children, etc., is just part of the fiction as personal and believable as it all was to you! We are just the ‘new supply’ because this Narcissist is fleeing from their last criminal act of abuse and if you think back they were coming out of a relationship when they met you, and whose fault was it as far as it concerned that last relationship – their ‘ex’s’ fault! Yes they are akin to criminals. We HAVE to accept the truth and define them in the realistic light of what they are to detach from any and all emotional connections. You could get more love from a rock then you could from a Narcissist.

A Narcissist will completely lie to your face, without flinching, and there is absolutely nothing you can do but believe them because you perceive it as a normal conversation and trust that you are talking to a normal and honest person – ESPECIALLY in the beginning when they are charming or seducing you into their world. In fact the Narcissist does not even consider that their lies are lies at all. They ARE the truth to the Narcissist because it is all part of their working agenda to con you in or just what they need to do. It is THEIR ‘game’ and facade that they need to emulate to seduce you into their disorder and support their agenda. This is just your turn to be used and abused because of your unfortunate connection. You were at the right place at the wrong time – or better yet at the wrong place at the wrong time and you are now the latest target/victim. You believe them, because we generally believe people and many of the Narcissist’s lies do not sound or feel like lies because their lies are all encompassing and personal as it concerns seducing us. There are little lies, bigger lies, hideous lies and everything in between – they are ONE BIG LIE.

Unfortunately on this journey the Narcissist will betray, manipulate, prey on your vulnerabilities and make you pay for your involvement with them. Their hate and envy burns inside of them and surfaces as if it is your fault that they are as disordered and they take you down into their darkness. They blame and shame you for their indiscretions in life. WHY – because in time you make them face reality and they SEE their REAL reflection in your eyes. They can’t accept the truth so they act out and make YOU and your amazing love wrong, and disable it as well as you. When you hurt they feel accomplished in the fact that they forced you to feel their pain as retribution for how the world has wronged them. They will never see anything else but fault in people and life and without empathy or the ability to love THEY JUST DON’T CARE! It would be like trying to house train an alligator and inviting it into your home as a beloved pet. It will eat you when it gets the first opportunity because that is what it does and it doesn’t feel anything but perhaps full after its meal! It doesn’t love or regret its actions, it just feeds off of whatever it can get – so does a Narcissist. The Narcissist is adept at luring you into its trap so it is more predatory than the alligator.

We just don’t perceive most things people tell us as ‘out and out’ lies meant to deceive us into an abusive situation, YET ALONE a person whose entire life is built on one huge series of lies to extort and destroy people. Narcissists are pathological liars. From the very beginning of your relationship you placed your trust and hopes in them, derived your energy, direction, stability, and confidence from your association or relationship with them AND it was real to YOU. The Narcissist played right along and even encouraged this special relationship with them, BUT AGAIN this was all fictional and part of their agenda. Unfortunately lying is the Narcissist’s ‘norm,’ so the Narcissist wonders what the problem is because they pretend to be so supportive, pretend to love you, provide you with the benefits of their amazing charm and personality – so they are providing you a service and so what if it comes with a price?

The Narcissist believes they are worth it and then some – you got something out of this so what if they disabled your life completely. If goes far beyond the lies because you are dealing with a creature that is completely void of empathy and can rationalize their lies, betrayal, or how they extort your life out from underneath you and everything else, right down to the damage they have even imposed on their biological children because they are malevolent, and malignant abusers or a NARCISSIST. They completely walk away from their families without a thought except to blame. They will PRETEND to be a loving parent after the fact but that is just more of their façade to maintain that saintly appearance to the outside world. This is their mindset and how they are wired and there is no changing them. This is their Grandiosity that is built right into that façade and every other facade they personally create.

The Narcissist I had the misfortune of knowing had numerous one night stands the first year we were together (and basically all throughout the relationship) – these were more like perverted hookups with anybody that said yes to the Narcissist’s advances from sex sites AND sight unseen. I learned all of this after the fact of course and didn’t realize I met a deviant because the con job was just so seamless and complete with the moral package and everything else. In reality my intuition was questioning that there was a possibility of an affair(s), but I NEVER realized the extent of it and was shocked when I found out the truth – AND who wouldn’t be especially when it is compounded by that HUGE façade of love and embellished by the many other lies.

The second year this Narcissist started another relationship and tried to hide it from me. It is not a matter of them looking for BETTER supply, it is them looking for ANY and constant supply so multiple relationships are a very common occurrence with them. These were not normal or savory people, instead they were people whose lives bottomed out and were consumed by drugs and alcohol, sexual addicts that frequented online sites, etc., and to a Narcissist ‘any port in a storm’ is the norm or easy prey when it comes to supply – especially supply on the side. In reality my Narcissist was no better than the ‘extra supply’ they sought out on the side, BUT very adept or amazing at hiding the truth because it was a lifelong pattern and part of the Narcissist’s dysfunctional disorder. This Narcissist even put a previous marriage (and family) in harm’s way because of this pattern and was caught in the act. Again who was at fault and who was blamed? Did it matter that there were children involved and the embarrassment to them? Basically no to all of it and the ex-spouse was lying because none of this ever happened, just like none of this ever happened to me. Just for a point of reference it was my Narcissist’s mother that revealed these stories concerning the ex-spouse and asked if I knew anything or could shed light on the situation.

To go a little deeper into the reality with my personal example, one of these affairs was with a man that is a known drug addict and dealer, as well as a known criminal that ran a shady business that conned money out of people with shabby and overpriced work. The Narcissist’s mother was one of these people that suffered from the shabby work and THAT is how my Narcissist made the sexual connection (after meeting with the man to get him to do corrective repairs.) It shows the depth of a Narcissist and how they would use ANY opportunity to connect with supply – even if that supply caused the Narcissist’s own mother damage. When I asked why – my Narcissist’s answer was that it was a matter of being seduced into a sexual situation because this man said how gorgeous my Narcissist was. Well now that is a perfectly viable reason for sure – if you are not a fully functioning human being and think the world is just that stupid.

The truth is my Narcissist seduced this loser into the situation because it was easy to do so and that was simply BOTH of their patterns – or two con artists meeting each other and doing what they do best. My narcissist chased after this man and even ended up working for him and lied about that too. I didn’t matter in any of this, nor was there any thought given as to the harm it would cause me and this exact same pattern that existed when my Narcissist was married (prior to us meeting.) No wonder nobody believes us because our stories ARE so incredulous and we sound weak for putting up with this. Who would believe that all of this was going on? I had no concept that is was as extreme as it was. But they are horrendous liars and hide seamlessly behind these lies as well as their out of control world! We sound like we are the ‘crazy ones’ telling these stories or like our life was a three ring circus and somehow we enjoyed the negative attention. When we find out the truth, it is many years later and by then too late because the damage has been done to us!

A Narcissist is an addict to supply so these ‘hookups’ were basically ‘water finding its level’ or where the Narcissist SHOULD really go to meet supply and satisfy their needy addictions. They belong with people at their dark, disgusting, and low level as well as they should stay there and leave good people alone. BUT they need good and amazing people like us to shore up their façade and to make the Narcissist feel some sort of delusional goodness by being at OUR level. It was difficult for me to actualize just how totally perverted this Narcissist was BUT that is because I ‘believed’ in them at the time. Now I know better, and unfortunately I didn’t live in the same community that my Narcissist did and I never knew that this was just my Narcissist’s pattern and what they were/are known for being.

A Narcissist finds acceptance in their consistent one night stands and believe that they are ‘all that and a bag of chips too!’ I don’t mean to make light of an abusive person or situation but this is the truth I had to learn and internalize before I moved on and so completely away from this monster. It raised me to a higher plane that displaced all the negative messages, the blame, and from me being everything from crazy, jealous, dysfunctional and worthless. I along with a prior ex-spouse became a casualty of this Narcissist’s wrath and of course our integrity was smeared by this Narcissist in an attempt to destroy us to avoid exposure. Just what they do! I can recall the crazy stories and lies about my Narcissist’s ex-spouse having affairs, lying, being crazy, etc., etc.

The Narcissist creates a viable support system with their minions or cult members that the Narcissist also lies to and they are none the wiser to this creature’s agenda of abuse or that they are participants in shoring up the Narcissist’s façade of purity and goodness. The Narcissist creates their own little world of lies and fictitious stories that includes a ‘support team’ or minions that they charm into their life also. So if you were to question anything about them and ask one of their minions, they will support the Narcissist’s many lies and say just how amazing they are. That Narcissist is a very shrewd and manipulative creature that controls their complete environment picking and choosing the RIGHT people to support that ‘big lie’ that is their life. The Narcissist will also pull their little minions and soldiers in by enlisting them to support their smear campaign when the time comes that he/she needs them to fight and protect that façade so the Narcissists slithers out of more abuse.

Within the Narcissist’s support system, he/she also expects awe, admiration, adulation, and constant attention commensurate with his/her outlandish stories, assertions, and lies. AGAIN a team to support the Narcissist’s agenda. The Narcissist uses their many ‘surface’ people/friends to reinterpret reality to fit the Narcissist’s fantasies AND lies. Simply put the Narcissist easily charms and seduces these minions to carry out his/her claims to be infallible, superior, talented, skillful, omnipotent, and omniscient. It could be aptly defined as good public relations as far as the Narcissist is concerned because they are basically selling a product – THEMSELVES! In actuality if you were to get real with one of these support minions they could not tell you much more about the Narcissist except what has been drilled into their heads (the lies!) The relationships are just surface friends that don’t go deep by any means nor will you find any sense of history as it concerns the Narcissist’s past because the Narcissist keeps their past away from their present and vice versa AND again based on lies to hide anything unsavory or abusive.

NOW if you were to connect to the very people that were in a past ‘relationship’ with (intimate) you would probably hear the hideous truth about this creature! I sure did – but after the fact unfortunately. Seriously in all of the years that I knew my Narcissist I never met ONE friend from the Narcissist’s past because there were NONE. There were lots of stories about these amazing friends but none materialized! I would always hear this though AND out of the blue like my Narcissist was trying to prove something: “Look at all of the friends I have on Facebook and look at how many you have.” Always a confabulation or a very flimsy ‘image’ of the truth.

These ‘many’ friends were the Narcissist’s cheerleaders that always respond to a picture or event with a compliment and that is as deep as it went. There were no family or exes among the many Facebook friends my Narcissist bragged about. After all was said and done in my personal adventure with a Narcissist I realized that our real role is to babysit these creatures, entertain them, pay their way, and even play ‘love’ with them until the truth becomes apparent about how dysfunctional and dangerous they are. Unfortunately we pay a huge debt for our connections with them.

A Narcissist is not a normal person acting on normal human premises. Look at the many ways you have been punished throughout your relationship say for instance with the silent treatment. This is to make you out as unworthy of consideration from the Narcissist or like dirt beneath his/her feet. Every action or better yet reaction is there positively or negatively to deflect from the truth of what they are and what they are doing behind your back OR learning the truth of their past discretions. They HAVE to constantly deflect from the truth that is why we are devalued AND finally discarded because the truth becomes so apparent and they see it reflected in our responses!

Lies always fill in the blanks and you ACCEPT what they say at face value or you are severely punished. This is the conditioning that a target/victim deals with on a regular basis. Couple this with the managing down constantly to make you feel like you are the disordered one and always over-reacting, jealous, and worthless. The Narcissist is again posing in that mirror, with their pretend grandeur with respect to you and your reactions. Your reactions MUST always reflect their grandeur. They do take an active role in all of this to the point of even believing their delusional depiction of whatever saintly character they are imitating because it is a working part of their con and serves their purpose. They have no reality so whatever opportunity arises to create a working personality they will jump right into the role because of the opportunity of new supply and a new con job. We are the believers that they need so they shrewdly interview us to see just what opportunity is there within us. Add the seduction and the Narcissist has the makings of new supply!

The Narcissist is also an egomaniac and feels so deserving of getting whatever they can from people and life without earning it – this is part of their infliction and what makes them a Narcissist. They are BETTER than everybody, deserving of EVERYTHING they want in life, and above reprise for their actions. It is of no concern to them if they abuse people or break the law to do so. They act out the part of royalty who feel insulted by the ‘ordinary,’ or dealing with unworthy subjects, like you expecting his/her majesty’s affirmation or attention – you are just one of their subjects. It is all part of the fictional novel going on in the Narcissist’s childish mind, that magnanimous work of fiction about themselves in which he/she is the star of a great masterpiece all about themselves. Little children do the same thing in their play fantasies. The Narcissist totally IDENTIFIES with the fictional character that he/she creates in that mirror that is us. You have but a bit part in this show as a character (one of many) that exists to reflect the Narcissist’s greatness through your interactions with them period (and serve their every need!) They will always share how amazing they are and how they have so many friends, how their family and children love them, etc.

BUT in reality what they share are usually bits and pieces of small truths that really concern the direct opposite and just part of the ‘charm’ and seduction. Their family rejects their hideous actions or perversions that they have inflicted on them but it is always somebody else’s fault. Everybody else picks up the slack for these creatures like raising a family, paying the bills and keeping up the real responsibilities in life. The real relationship with them is no give and all take, no love, just nothing but serving the Narcissist – the rest is their fictional story that you believe and locks you into what you believe is a relationship and unfortunately love.

You will fall out of grace when your eyes reflect the disdain of their lies and manipulation and you will enter a battle with them where they will destroy you for making them face the reality of who they really are. They will just run off after they have destroyed your integrity and start up a new life of abuse with someone else. Yet, deep down inside, the Narcissist is aware that their life is a sham, and they are vulnerable as far as being exposed that is why they did a ‘hit and run’ with you and every other person they abused. They are always a step or ten ahead of the game and have gathered up every bit of personal information they can use against you to destroy your integrity so that your voice becomes weak and unheard when you start to speak out. Their out of control life is a constant reminder of how unstable their amazing world is AND how weak and feeble they really are! Clinically this is described as the Narcissist’s Grandiosity Gap.

The Narcissist can pretend to know everything, in every field of the human condition and is seamless with all of the knowledge that spills out. Again they are all confabulations and lies that the Narcissist prevaricates to avoid the exposure of their real ignorance. Their knowledge is just copycat information that has no basis or has been earned from real life lessons, or out of compassion and backed up by empathy. The Narcissist only resorts to numerous prefabricated ‘imitations of life’ to support their God-like omnipotence. What goes on in the shadows is what really exists and that is their vast neediness and out-of-control lifestyle that betrays all of life and love.

The Narcissist’s life sounds unusually rich, embellished and complex. Their achievements and stories are NEVER commensurate with their age, education, or job history. Their stories NEVER seem to add up, BUT they are remarkable with recalling their lies and stories to support their facade. Their failed marriages and relationships are always such woe-be-me stories where they are the one that suffered under the weight of abuse. That should be a clear sign to all of us when they start begging for our sympathy, but we want to believe and a Narcissist loves to seduce us in with their sympathetic stories.

I recall when my Narcissist met someone new because I was just too wise to the lies, there was a post on Facebook where the new target was praying for my Narcissist because of family problems – a sister having surgery, a biological child in jail, AND the familiar Narcissistic attack on MY integrity that I abused my poor Narcissist because of one mistake the Narcissist made. This one mistake was a 3 month affair that was real, but the new target didn’t realize that it was one of at least 25 or more affairs that I learned about. The new target was shouting out for prayers to help my poor Narcissist. That is beyond crazy to me and it is ridiculous and irresponsible for an adult or anyone to use Facebook to put this type of personal information out there without the truth to back it up.

BUT this is what the Narcissist wants and pushes the target into advertising for them or supporting their ‘smear campaign!’ Unfortunately the new supply didn’t know that my Narcissist was in a relationship with me while all of this was going on. I had no interest in getting the truth out to this new supply, because they were acting out for the Narcissist and I wasn’t going to join in on a delusional battle to open myself up for more chaos and crazy making – enough was enough! I am years past my abuse but my passion lies in helping other people achieve their ‘ah ha’ moment about a Narcissist and this disabling abuse. Whatever I can say to help all people understand this abuse and raise awareness I will do it. If I can speak through my experiences to explain the ‘crazy’ because I have a strong voice, I will explain that crazy at whatever expense or cost. It is worth it if it brings this abuse to a level where people know the early warning signs as it concerns one of these creatures, as well as desensitizes the belief that all of our stories are too incredulous to be true!.

Please if you recognize these patterns in your relationship move on. If you hear a loved one or friend describing their relationship in the manner described in this article be there, listen, support and get them away from this abuse before it destroys them. This abuse is never singular in nature because it affects complete families. No/Minimal contact to start on the road to recovery and back to a real life! Greg

Posted on May 3, 2015, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 33 Comments.

  1. Laynie S Delilah

    Wow..Greg..I’m so sorry you experienced all of this..I’m trying to survive this now…I was blindsided..didn’t even know about NPD…your article is the single best thing I’ve read so far..thank you !!! Xo Laynie


  2. I’m very glad that you took time to tell that situation because I was finding myself in familiar waters. I was always questioning the answers that were given to me and frankly never made any sense or seemed real. It was as if I was always second guessing my morals, my sanity, my dignity, and who I was with this mentally unstable being. I felt frustrated and my judgement seemed clouded cause HE made it to be, but once I got knowledgable about who he was, was like a tornado came and I was lost. Thank you so much for that peace of mind that I always knew but was told I was crazy, jealous and drama. Thank you Thank you❤ Mona


  3. Thank you Greg…


  4. I was in a common law (defacto) relationship with my partner for over 30 years when I found out that on one of his numerous and lengthy interstate business trips, he met a much younger woman. He didn’t “just” have an “affair” with her either. He married her! If that wasn’t enough for me to bear, I discovered that he had been married to her for four years before I found out. I felt humiliated, used and emotionally abused.

    To top it all off, because the home we shared for 25 years was in his name, he insisted that the home be sold and the sale proceeds be given to him entirely (because he believed that because his wife wanted children – something that he never wanted when he was with me – that he needed the money to raise a family). Of course my lawyer put me on the right track about this, so that when the house was sold I received 50%, and rightly so because although my name wasn’t on the title I did help pay for various home improvements. My ex-partner was furious when he learned that I was to receive 50% of the sale price. He called me all sorts of horrible names, and even said that I would do everyone a big favour if I slashed my wrists! But I’m still standing and I’m stronger than I ever was when living with my narcissistic ex!

    Just recently I learned through my ex-partner’s younger brother that my narcissistic ex requested that his parents bequeath their entire estate to him; disinheriting his brother entirely. When his parents didn’t agree to his request he sent a nasty letter to his brother. His brother is a lovely man who did a lot for his parents in the way of helping them when they became ill etc. My ex, however, told his brother that he’d never done anything to help their parents and it was him who did everything for them. This was never the case. My ex made sure that he lived as far away as possible from his parents so that he would never be expected to help out. His brother was shattered and to the point that he told me that he had contemplated suicide. Realising that taking his life would mean that his narc brother would ultimately inherit their parent’s estate, he decided that to remain alive would be his best revenge.

    Although I’m still putting my life together I realise I’m well rid of my ex.


  5. This is so on target. I guess he came along and I got so caught up in thinking he was the real thing. It is very hard to comprehend and takes more than double the amount of time you were in it to get over it, but I will never again be naive to such a predator, I will recognize the early signs and not ignore them, looking back they were there. Hopefully karma will take care of them in due time.


  6. I’ve been reading all and everything I can on this subject. After 4 hellacious years, stumbling upon “narcissist ” opened my eyes, and answered every single question that had been lingering and keeping me enslaved to him. It’s unbelievable coming to terms with the truth that these people exist. I had tried to leave MULTIPLE times in the past, but ultimately returned, having no factual evidence to support my twisted intuition and ever growing knot in my stomach. Not that it felt great discovering the truth, it has been however, freeing and stabilizing. Thank you for your articles. Thank you for being a voice of truth. Because we all know, that while ensnared in the narcissist’s trap, our own voice is but a whisper, our vision blurred, and our hearing impaired.


  7. I really liked this article. I am divorced from a narcissist because I found evidence of an affair. He never admitted anything and I had to piece everything together, like a detective. He is not with the other woman now. I believe that he is not with her because she is married and does not want to lose access to her husband’s paycheck, although she works. My ex-husband does not have a job or a car. He lost everything in the divorce to me, including the car he used to date her behind my back while I worked to support us. He lives with his mother and she refused to buy him a car. Therefore, he had no transportation to continue the affair with the other woman. I do not believe that the other woman stepped up to the plate to continue the affair by using her car to see him. I know, rationally, that a narcissist is incapable of love. Emotionally, I am obsessed by the feeling that he is completely, totally, head over heels in love with her and will be until the end of time. I think that he must think of her 24-7, how much he loves her, how beautiful he thinks she is, how he had the best sex of his life with her and how he will spend the rest of his life pining for her as the lost love of his life. I think that had I believed his lies that there was no affair, that he would still be having the best romance and sex of his life behind my back as her back-door man, which he was more than content to be. I have this guilt that I shouldn’t have that I broke them up and destroyed the great love that they had for each other. I do think if they were ever each other’s primary relationship, that eventually the bloom would come off the rose. But for now, I think that they are not together because he has no job and she was not ready to lose her husband’s paycheck to support a man with no paycheck AND he was not ready to get a job to help support her, even though he is really in love with her. I wish I could shake his feeling that they are Romeo and Juliet, but I seem to be obsessed with it. It is hard to wrap my head around my marriage being blown up by a woman he’s not even with now.


  8. Reading this realy felt good. I shared (or “wasted”) 17 years and had 2 kids with a narcissic. Somedays I feel I’ll never get over it. It’s almost 2 years, the divorce in nowhere near to be conclude, I have no energy left, every decision is too hard to make, I sefl doubt myself about anything and trying to hide the truth from my kids (pretending daddy is a good person) is sooooooo hard. I sometimes feel I wanna give up the fight, give up everything…


  9. One of the best articles or posts on the N I have read……and I have read hundreds. Thanks so much. 37 days of solid NC under my belt…..and it still bothers me she seems to have just accepted it and moved on…but I know that is a blessing. You helped me realize that SHE started to realize that I was AWARE of who she was, what she did…and she didn’t like that reflection at all. Ironic that so many articles about sex with an N talk about mirrors…..and N’s in general mirroring… N and I had incredible sex for the first three years….and she always liked it when there was a mirror to look into. I see how I was simply an object…..a toy…for her to use as she ” watched her power” in the mirror.
    I’ll write more later…but thanks. This all helped and as someone above said….we ARE all in this together.
    Stay strong….and love yourself.


  10. Wow! Your articles make me feel like I’m not alone. I have been in an on/off situation with someone I really love and used to be my best friend. I recently ended our “relationship” (again) but it’s the first time I’ve realized that the whole friendship has been based on his narcissistic needs. He fits every description you’ve written about narcissists, from the minions to the grandiose delusions about money & fame to controlling (or attempting to control) what I say. It has been the worst roller coaster of my life. I’ve been in therapy weekly for the past few months just to deal with it. This time I have to eliminate him from my life or his toxicity WILL kill me. I couldn’t eat, for weeks. Couldn’t focus at work. Fell into depression. My friends call me “The Hippie” because I’m all about peace, love, forgiveness and all of that but he has drained my soul. I am dedicated to never again letting him back into my life. I hope to read some articles from you about how to get rid of then once and for all. Thank you for your great work & support.


  11. Thank you, Greg, for your commitment to helping other victims of this horrifying misery that is a relationship with a narcissist. I’m 30 and just woke up and realized that I married a bipolar narcissist who is just like my own father to a T. He pursued me relentlessly four years ago, and I was a shy girl who didn’t have enough dating experience to realize that he was a controlling abuser. My life probably looks good from the outside, but he ruins everything good from giving me a gorgeous anniversary gift to my Mother’s Day dinner to make me feel worthless. I have been living a very sad life being abused (first physically and verbally, now mostly emotionally) by him, and now he has told me he wants out of our marriage. Now he’s flipped back around and is acting nice and normal so far this week (even confessed a “white lie” according to him). No surprise that this week I found out he’s trying to hide a $1,700 purchase from me, which I have not confronted him about. I’m convinced he can’t love anyone. There is no love in his heart. I feel so much better knowing it is NOT ME. He gives gifts and does extravagant gestures to feed his own ego (probably so he can brag about it later), and then starts a fight to make me feel worthless. It is such a bizarre cycle and I am sick of it!

    Murray, you are so right about laughter. My abuser has no sense of humor, but I thank God in heaven for mine! It keeps me sane.

    Please pray for me and my young son as we recover from this abuse.


  12. I have the Mr. Wonderful….to everyone else. That’s what I keep hanging on to. He micro-manages my family and guests….don’t load the dishwasher that way. Don’t run the water so long….Ewww, you brought THAT for dinner….every day its something. I can not have a good day without him throwing a comment, attitude or whatever else into it. I think he loves watching my face as though he slapped me. He used to wait until my dog was sound asleep, then he would slap her on the head. My dog would jump up out of a dead sleep. I hated to see that reaction in her and threatened him if he did it again. So now, he covertly does it to me by his words and actions. I don’t have much family coming over anymore, and my son lives next door! Its constant tension. But, my kids do not want to hear my problems. I feel like I have no one. I feel like he has taken over my family with his Mr. Wonderful act and I am the crazy, complaining mother. He discounts every time I try to talk to him. He says my past experiences are what my problem with him is..not him and what he is doing. He won’t talk to me for days, then he tells me 30 min. before we need to leave that we have to go someplace. I quit going with him. I don’t care if he ever comes home. He tells me to call him an asshole when he acts like that! I’m 62 freakin’ years old!! Why should I have to monitor what sick crap he does??? I really hate him and I really want to end this 15yr marriage, but Mr. Wonderful will use it for the sympathy like he did with his ex, and my family will turn their backs on me. I do have another house I am thinking about moving into and they can all have each other while I get well.


    • OMFG-Your story sounds eerily similar to my own marriage. Part of me wants out, but part of me stills wants to stay. I KNOW about covert abuse and the damage it does -everyone thinks he is SO FREAKIN WONDERFUL- because no one -i mean NO ONE knows him and his stupid games but me and my children ( both in 20’s). I know i should leave him but the abuse from attempting to end this marriage is probably more than i can take. Many would say im in denial but honestly I know and understand all of this maybe im too much of a coward to take on this battle. I just don’t have the strength anymore, i’ve been on the losing end of the stick for so long… well you get it. I do also realize that by staying i will nevervhave peace of mind, but i really dont think i can count on my family anymore he’s already got themin his pocket. Along with his many affairs, hook-ups, and god knows what else. I do wish i’d never been introduced to him 24 long years ago. May I reccommend a website that has really shown me the reality of the drama triangle that is my life. Knowledge is power. I see how i sabotage myself ( by his creation) and play right into his game. Someone stop this ride i need to throw-up now


  13. Can they get physically abusive?


    • Anonymous – Yes, they can be physically abusive especially when they believe that it will either “control” the outcome of the situation ( deflect attention or intimidate you into submission) or they believe the risk of damage to their own facade is too great and there is only one way out. Be very afraid. These people do not even know thselves !


      • They sure can! My husband took my keys over and over again (also when it was cold outside), and also pushed me our of our apartment. Leaving was hard, but there was no other way to solve the problem. Six months later, I’m feeling so much better, and am happy to have reconnected with friends and family.


  14. Finally a answer to the hell i’ve been in……..right down to false police report he did to me..The sex, i will NEVER find again…..No dick, is worth what i am going through…i evicted him 8 months ago..My husband died of cancer and my youngest got it on her 21st birthday..This man so desperate to get me to see him…He Told me had stage 2 , even shaved his HEAD…No cancer. i went, like the fool i am. even help him pack his truck, because he was going back to new york for the treatment..Would i spend one last weekend with him.. I helped him pack to move in with another women……….GOD HELP ME..and her…I’m in love with a monster!!!!!!


    • He sounds very similar to the narcissist I am trying to escape. I applaud you for leaving and know all the emotions that you go through afterwards; feeling like a fool, being angry for not knowing better, heartbroken, etc.. But now we know all the signs. I pray your heart reaches a full recovery and you continue to love, grow, and enjoy life despite what hell you’ve been thru.


  15. I, as well, could have written this article…..that just goes to show how ALL of this is true and how we all are going through the exact same experiences!!! I, too, don’t know how to pick up the pieces and ‘live’ again. My marriage of 23 years to a FULL BLOWN Narcissist has completely wiped me out and destroyed my trust and faith in people! I seriously can not imagine going through that experience again and would be so afraid that it COULD happen again that I just don’t think I am willing to give it another try. Even though I am lonely and would love a companion, I just don’t think I am willing to take that chance. I am apparently an easy prey (victim) and I’m afraid I would get caught up in another Narcissistic web again…sigh! But reading articles and everything I can find on Narcissism has really helped me to understand what I went through and that at least there was a REASON my life and marriage was so incomplete and unpleasant!


  16. Good article. It’s still amazing to me because narcissism is something that most people don’t know about until they meet one (and still it took a therapist to point it out to me because they mess with your mind so badly) and often don’t recognize it until the damage is done. Statistics show that one in 25 people are sociopathic and it goes hand in hand with narcissism. So, there are a lot of them out there. I wish I had known sooner about these types of people. Articles like yours are so great for educating people. Even several years after the fact, it still blows my mind what they are capable of! And once you become the “target” of one, it can take years to rebuild your life……….


  17. Barbara Garcia Boehland

    Tks for this information. Is a narcissist also known to be physically abusive?


  18. Tracy stancer

    Absolutely spot on. I couldn’t believe this write. So made me feel better about myself cos now I know for sure it’s not me thanks xx


  19. Greg we must have had the same woman. Kidding but my god these freaks are all the same. The level of amoral behaviour these cluster bs will stoop too defies logic. If my x wanted a guys # she would pretend she lost her fone and ask if he would call it to see if she could hear it and locate it. Lol clever arent they? My gf put her phone on unlock becuz I was suspiscious but she had changed her sex buddies names into girl contacts. They are always ahead of the game becuz they are planning and plotting 24/7. There is no way to deal with it except walk away.


  20. Greg, I have read your article, and have found it dead on. I too, dated a narcissist for 10 years, lol, his name was Gregg. He seemed to have the perfect life. He is a Doctor, has two little kids, involved with all their sports,& an Eucharistic Minister. He got a divorce during the time I was with him. I thought he loved me! He told me our relationship was ending, because I wouldn’t expand my sex practices in fulfilling his need to have a threesome, or frequenting his underground sex clubs. I found out, he was with 8-10 other women, including an engagement for 2 weeks, to another woman. I have found many things in his possession, including, handcuffs, pictures, and a vast amount of sex related items. It wasn’t until recently, that I discovered he was with one of my Directors of Nursing. I approached her on it when I was at work, she defended him completely. She called him right after I approached her about it. I then, received a call from him, yelling at me and putting me down. Yes, I was the sick, jealous person, as mentioned in your article. He even accused me of vandalizing his house, and putting unfavorable information on a Doctors website. I can tell you, this was not me. He was having sexual relationships in his office, with patients, and Drug Sales Reps during office hours. With all this being said, he is infallible to everyone and anything. He feels he is entitled to this lifestyle, and will make anyone pay for it. The sad fact is that he will always have someone by his side, because, of his profession. I am just glad it’s all over! You’re post has helped me to overcome my thoughts of him. I was just his easiest target, because I had unleashed things that he never wanted out in public. I was the one who got all the blame.


  21. God. Thank you. Every single detail is so completely accurate to my relationship. The cheating, compete with the prayers from friends who h told I was crazy while I found hookers texting him and naked coworkers in his photo albums. God thank you. I needed to know it’s something real, a condition and not something I can change and that it wasn’t our situation. Thank you so so much for talking about it. Every detail lined up it’s so so reassuring and relieving to know that it’s not a failure of mine and that I’m not crazy. It’s all exactly the same I can’t believe it’s so accurate. Did he threaten you or get totally enraged when you wanted to talk about the cheating?


  22. Fellow Survivor

    Loved this post. Lived it. Trying to survive it. Will get through it. Will learn from it.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I am fresh out of an 8 year narcisistic horror. PLEASE do you have any advice on how to live again. Though there is little comfort in knowing it wasn’t me who was crazy I am failing miserably in living. I feel very destroyed weak and lifeless. What can one do?

    Liked by 1 person

  24. These articles have been amazing in helping me to heal; When my narcissist first left me I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I was totally blindsided and devastated; through research, I finally found out that he is, indeed, a narcissist…this article could have been written by me…it’s amazing to finally have a way to heal and realize what I was up against all those years…I’m so glad to be free and it’s so claiming to know it wasn’t me…thank you for writing these. I look forward to every one.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Greg! You helped me! Thank you ! Now 7 weeks ? Narc free! One foot in front of the other right now!


  1. Pingback: From Charm to Harm – the chaos and crazy making that defines the Narcissist and the abuse! | A Covert Narcissist's Wife

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