Dont Let Desperation Cause You to Overlook the Red Flags

No one ever gave us the piece of advice that would help us AVOID getting destroyed by a narcissist; so Ill give some here: EXAMINE YOUR BELIEFS.


Words like, “He’s a jerk. She’s a manipulator. He’s just an ‘ahole'” DONT WORK. They try to let us know that people that don’t respect us shouldn’t be given a place to roam free in our lives, minds and hearts, but they don’t really HELP us avoid narcissists or leave one, once we realize they’re no good for us.


We need to reach people that are clearly ample targets for narcissists and inform them how to dig through the overtly flattering, flowery, charming, sharmy, tactics that a narcissist uses to ingratiate themselves into our healthy, happy lives before they leave us a hollow empty shadow of our former selves.


When people are being targeted, they initially are NOT feeling weary or concerned by a narcissist’s evil disorder; contrarily, they’re feeling love bombed, flattered, blinded, and blindsided by ONE thing: MANIPULATION.


There’s no real specialness to a narcissist. All they have is the ACT of being special. We would not dive bomb head first into the web of these predators if it weren’t for the ways they trick and deceive us into thinking they are “nice people”.


I personally never would have fallen for a person who was already in a relationship with someone else, because I knew it was WRONG. I had morals. I had a conscience. But what I didn’t know that I had, was a VULNERABILITY to MANIPULATION.


I wasn’t being courted by a narcissist, I was being WORKED OVER & SET UP. What I shared with that person was not “love” nor sharing at all. I was being duped. I was told constantly things that were not true, things that buttered me up, things I wanted to hear.

I believed it was genuine because I was seeing what I perceived “love” to be. The narcissist, after careful plucking of information from me about what “love is” – MIRRORED back to me my own illusions of love and gave me the impression that’s that what I was getting back. In reality I was getting nothing more than being BLINDSIDED by an enemy who pretended to be my soul mate. When you love a narcissist genuinely, the ONLY thing you’ll get in return is ABUSE.


We are used; our feelings and attributes,  taken from us by narcissists as if they are entitled to them. Wrestled out of them by a person who can fight longer, harder and meaner than anything we have in us.

When we are in love with someone, we expect that we’ll be loved and treated fairly in return. With a narcissist, smoke, mirrors and flowery words are used to convince us that we “should” feel safe with no concurrent actions supporting them.  They’ll often accuse us of being too paranoid, emo, or insecure (a favorite) for questioning them or wanting to talk about it simply because we’re acting on our gut instinct that we in fact AREN’T SAFE.

The narcissist attempts to convince us with their hollow words that they’ll be there to catch us when we fall. If we’ve been called insecure, we’ll feel the need to “prove” that we really ARE secure and be sure to either never bring the subject up again or to spend alot of time analyzing the “Truth” in this statement.


It’s not that we’re foolish. We’re just clueless to the fact, that it’s the narcissist who kicks the chair out from under us and never steps in to pick us up at all. They’ll have a million excuses and reasons about why they didn’t and guess what? It will be our fault! They’ll bombard us with  blaming statements about OUR WORTH in order to undermine and turn the tables back on us for simply being close in proximity so the narcissist, and not being “strong enough” to just get back up and dust ourselves off.


When targets are at their most vulnerable, is when we’re most unaware of our blind spots and in denial – it’s when we need to hear most, the messages that shore up our ‘holes’ that allow the narcissistic predator into our lives.


Beliefs that help us avoid a narcissist:

We DONT NEED love to complete us. We don’t need the narcissist’s approval or anything else they withhold to control us, to feel WHOLE.

We don’t need flattery. When your self esteem and self worth are already solidly built on who you are, we won’t NEED any form of someone outside ourselves telling us that we “matter” “are wanted” “needed” or are “special”. No one outside ourselves should be given this much power to affect our sense of specialness; whether that be a mate, a friend, or a family member.


We don’t need to chase people.


We don’t need to read minds.


We can say no and stick to it, despite someone pressuring us, calling us names or threatening to reject us if we don’t give in.


We do NOT have to give the benefit of doubt to everyone, it doesn’t make us untrusting people, it makes us cautious and smart. Once you’ve had a predator in your life, You are foolish if you’re NOT cautious and discerning.


We should NEVER entertain a relationship with someone who’s already in one.


Excessive flattery is a red flag and a sign of a manipulative sociopath – not a sign of someone who has true feelings for us.


We matter. We deserve to validate our own thoughts, feelings and desires. Our needs are important. It is self caring and loving to tend to those needs, not selfish despite how many times we’ve heard those words.


We are not here to save the world or be responsible for others’ happiness.


When someone doesn’t listen to how we feel or what we want, we are not being loved. Love is respect and admiration. Without true respect for our individuality and right to have boundaries, we have ABUSE. This is a narcissist’s ‘specialty’.


Boundaries are our friends! Practice saying No. Explore what you don’t want in your life. Explore what kinds of things frustrate you and cause you to feel angry. That is an indicator of a crossed boundary. Practice, practice, practice, still doesn’t make perfect with boundaries, but your life will get cleaned up really quickly and stay that way, when you take the lead role in enforcing your own rules & attend to your own gate keeping.


It is NOT mean nor judgmental to discern, mistrust and not offer benefit of the doubt to someone who hasn’t EARNED our trust. Trust is earned through consistent, stable, respectful, thoughtful, sharing, fair, reciprocal friendship and basic human decency.


Empathy is NOT something that every human possesses. Don’t fill in the gaps of what’s missing from a narcissist’s psyche. When they show you they can’t care about others then they’re showing you they can’t care about YOU. Why spend your time with someone who cons you into thinking that you’ll get caring treatment when they know full well, they can’t give that.


People’s words are MEANINGLESS. Utterly meaningless. When I hear someone bragging on about who they know, what they do, what they drive, what they’re doing in their lives that’s so “amazing”…I hear “Wah wah wah wah” . People that DONT have something to prove, don’t PROVE. Words are hollow.


Look at the actions of a person to know what to expect from them. Nothing more. And if you’ve tried to get them to take your feelings seriously but they come back at you with excuses and blame towards you as to why your feeling either doesn’t matter or worse is “silly” or “dramatic” then you have all the answers you need to cut your losses and get as far away from this person as possible. Life isn’t a dress rehearsal. Time is precious. Wasting it on a narcissist is not something we do when we are healthy.


Find out what it is, that makes you vulnerable to any of the ploys this disordered character uses, and then STRENGTHEN them! All within your control, and entirely achievable! Image

Posted on May 25, 2014, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. what most struck home for me was the comments about having your own needs and wants disregarded and not even being allowed to express them- “you worry too much” or “stop trying to make me feel bad about myself!” were the kind of things my narc said when I was trying to explain, desperately, my need for more attention and love- in 4 months he would never engage in ONE SERIOUS CONVERSATION ABOUT MY ISSUES! If I persisted- and this was usually on-line chats, he would just say- “got to take care of something brb” or “good time for a cigarette- brb” . Of course, those times, he never came back – I would wait acouple days in desperation….I am just in my first couple weeks of trying to go NC- it is torture.


  2. I wondered if accusing you of being insecure is one of the narcissists main tactics? When my ex (I believe to be a narc) left me this was what he wrote in the email. Do you know how hard it is for me to be involved in a relationship with someone who is so flightly and insecure.? Most of my friends would not describe as flighty. I guess this was the discard?


  3. Get busy living

    P.S. I’m sick and tired of the information that’s out there on the internet saying THIS DISORDER AFFECTS MEN MORE THAN WOMEN. That is a red herring. It is FALSE. There are JUST AS MANY females who were raised as princesses by over indulgent parents, inadvertently having created egocentric tyrants who will destroy you under the cloak of our “yes dear” societal views that women are not abusers and that men are the bad eggs.


  4. Get busy living

    Each statement is simple. Each point is direct. The beauty of these words is how utterly TRUE they are. This is one of the best 2 minute self pep talks I’ve ever read. What’s remarkable about narcissists, no matter how many variations of the disorder that exist, the outcome is the same. Reading this post was equivalent to a silent friend who has witnessed the past 8 months of my life through my own eyes, stepping in and providing a compass to my psyche, in desperate need of the direction to sanity. THANK YOU.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. “We should NEVER entertain a relationship with someone who’s already in one.”

    What if you’re both polyamorous?


  6. Thank you so much for having this blog. It’s helping me get through a very difficult time period. I can’t thank you enough.


  7. This is really powerful stuff. I can only take in some of it at a time because it’s a little overwhelming. I’m still in a state of shock that I was so naive. When I look back now I see that it was wrong from the beginning. But I didn’t see it until it was too late. Now, of course, I’ll be more careful in the future, if there is anyone in my future. I won’t let this happen again, but I feel I have lost an innocent part of me that will never return.


  8. Reblogged this on It won't always be bad… and commented:
    great post!!! thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  1. Pingback: Dont Let Desperation Cause You to Overlook the Red Flags » Source, More, Read » Urban Angels

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