THE RECIPE FOR A NARCISSIST
THE RECIPE FOR A NARCISSIST – ingredients may be substituted with any of the following:
• Self-centered need for adoration, adulation and attention – quite simply it’s all about them.
• Any attention is better than no attention, even negative attention. It’s all about the crazy making and chaos to debase everyone.
• Their agenda must come first always. They are entitled, more important than others; their program, initiative, plans, and ideas are clearly more important than any others.
• Other people’s ideas, achievements, and successes are NEVER as important, brilliant, or as good as theirs.
• They will debase, dehumanize and backstab others behind their backs, or purposely sleight them directly. Backstabbing and gossip is a narcissist’s playground of choice in life.
• They are like circus acrobats when it comes to their ability to lie. They will tell half-truths, mistruths, twisted truths, or outright and outrageous lies without the blink of an eye, even believing these lies. They will become insulted or fly into rage when their lies are challenged.
• They exploit people, use people, and throw them away easily if the person stops doing what they want. You can be their best friend one moment, but if you cross them, you are their very worst enemy.
• They seduce people with charm, compliments, and intense attention like love bombing in order to trick a person into being their supply, and will often have a small, close group of individuals around them that not only supply them with adulation, but can also be used as ‘minions’ to sic on those that the narcissist desires to defame or damage.
• A major motivation for the narcissist is the gaining of power by controlling people – be it triangulation, manipulation betrayal, smearing, or just to infuriate or make others angry or shocked, to feel superior and in charge of everyone around them
• Their actions and words never match. They are just shallow, especially with emotional situations, sounding fake, forced, insincere, and callous. Every action is just a performance to get what they want!
• Narcissists can be charming and kind one moment, then abusive bullies the next, often with shocking displays of temper tantrums, rage and anger not fitting the situation. Their temper and rage is their defense to stop by forcing you into silence with their uncontrollable rage.
• They kick you to the curb once you are of no use, and something better has come along!
• They do not have real emotions just fake expressions that imitate them, but they are masters at this by manipulating others. Targets/victims often find themselves doing what the narcissist wants, even though they did not want to do so because they have an uncanny ability to seduce to the point of ‘brainwashing’ others.
• They will offer scathing reviews and assessments about others (even horrendous lies), but fly into a rage if any criticism comes their way.
• They have inconsistent, temporary relationships full of betrayal and all of the above.
• In organizations like businesses or churches, the narcissist wreaks havoc among staff, often able to get away with their sabotage scott-free and smelling like a rose. They can even fool judges and psychologists.
• The ultimate power for them is attention; they can’t tolerate anyone or anything other than them getting the attention in any situation. They will reliably ‘one up’ or ‘upstage’ someone who is getting attention, or very soon viciously attack them directly with lies and gossip, or with their minions.
• The narcissist violates boundaries: physical, emotional, and mental. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or even keep anything that belongs to others.
• When a source of supply dries up as it inevitably does, they will engage in high drama, and rage. They will cast you aside and will make implicit and explicit threats to keep you in your place and cover their abusive ways.
• A narcissist will often go unchallenged because they take the game as far as they possibly can, getting ever more outrageous to control people. By the time challenge comes, there has been much pain, damage, and often total destruction of a family, partner, business, or church or any organization. They silence everyone that could expose them, so their abuse is always unnoticed which makes it so difficult to identify what they truly are.
• In business, narcissists may be in middle or upper management, and are brutal dictators to work under. They may violate personal space, union rules, and even the personal lives of those who work under them. Most victims endure hell before being ruined emotionally and career wise. In most cases, the only answer is to submit or quit.
• Narcissists are chameleons, changing positions in service of their selfish needs and wants. They do not have genuinely ordered moral codes; all morality is relative to their desires. They are often obvious hypocrites.
• Their chameleon nature allows them to pass in public, but they are dictators and terrorists in their private lives. They often have incredibly dysfunctional and damaged family lives; it is not uncommon for them to have multiple marriages or partners that they still use as supply cheating them of support, etc., or ex’s that they harass and stalk relentlessly. Many have a long pattern of cheating on their partners.
• Narcissists are emotionally stunted and immature; when they rage and throw a tantrum they really look like a three year old.
• The narcissistic personality will constantly exhibit behaviors like totally ignoring others, being late for important meetings or events, simply not attending and even walking out of events, consistently going over budget, avoiding being a team player at all costs, refusing to consult or ask for help – all common narcissistic behaviors.
• There is no having a relationship with a narcissist, you may be in a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you. You are only in their life to make them look good or because you are useful to the narcissist.
• Narcissists often make outrageous claims of previous honors and accomplishments, or close personal relationships with family or friendships with notable people or organizations, all pure fantasy on the narcissist’s part.
To sum it all up then; interaction with a narcissist often feels like a game of let’s pretend and everyone is supposed to pretend that the narcissist is royalty and the commoners are to pay homage, adulation, and thrill just to be in their presence and given their attention or special favors.
The narcissist is nothing if not an amazing actor. In order to defend him/herself* against hurt and other normal human emotions, the narcissist projects a grandiose image to the world. This false self is highly intelligent, incredibly virtuous, and completely without fault – virtually a saint. He/she believes this is who they truly are and demand that everyone else accept this image as the real thing (or else). His/her true self, is insecure, imperfect and likely hiding very unacceptable and perverse behavior, and it lies so deep within him/her that even he/she is not consciously aware of it. There is nothing a narcissist won’t do in order to keep this true self hidden from the world and from themselves.
When all is said and done in our mind, we MUST stop looking for ways to appease the narcissist so that we can stay in the relationship. The only way narcissists change is by getting worse! If they don’t get what they want, they increase the manipulation, abuse and bad behavior. Any attempts to get them to treat you better are futile, because the change is temporary at best and may lead to retaliation at worst. For the sake of your own physical and mental health, leave. Get out. Don’t come back. You will be glad that you did. NO CONTACT!