THE RECIPE FOR A NARCISSIST – ingredients may be substituted with any of the following:

• Self-centered need for adoration, adulation and attention – quite simply it’s all about them.

• Any attention is better than no attention, even negative attention. It’s all about the crazy making and chaos to debase everyone.

• Their agenda must come first always. They are entitled, more important than others; their program, initiative, plans, and ideas are clearly more important than any others.

• Other people’s ideas, achievements, and successes are NEVER as important, brilliant, or as good as theirs.

• They will debase, dehumanize and backstab others behind their backs, or purposely sleight them directly. Backstabbing and gossip is a narcissist’s playground of choice in life.

• They are like circus acrobats when it comes to their ability to lie. They will tell half-truths, mistruths, twisted truths, or outright and outrageous lies without the blink of an eye, even believing these lies. They will become insulted or fly into rage when their lies are challenged.

• They exploit people, use people, and throw them away easily if the person stops doing what they want. You can be their best friend one moment, but if you cross them, you are their very worst enemy.

• They seduce people with charm, compliments, and intense attention like love bombing in order to trick a person into being their supply, and will often have a small, close group of individuals around them that not only supply them with adulation, but can also be used as ‘minions’ to sic on those that the narcissist desires to defame or damage.

• A major motivation for the narcissist is the gaining of power by controlling people – be it triangulation, manipulation betrayal, smearing, or just to infuriate or make others angry or shocked, to feel superior and in charge of everyone around them

• Their actions and words never match. They are just shallow, especially with emotional situations, sounding fake, forced, insincere, and callous. Every action is just a performance to get what they want!

• Narcissists can be charming and kind one moment, then abusive bullies the next, often with shocking displays of temper tantrums, rage and anger not fitting the situation. Their temper and rage is their defense to stop by forcing you into silence with their uncontrollable rage. 

• They kick you to the curb once you are of no use, and something better has come along!

• They do not have real emotions just fake expressions that imitate them, but they are masters at this by manipulating others. Targets/victims often find themselves doing what the narcissist wants, even though they did not want to do so because they have an uncanny ability to seduce to the point of ‘brainwashing’ others.

• They will offer scathing reviews and assessments about others (even horrendous lies), but fly into a rage if any criticism comes their way.

• They have inconsistent, temporary relationships full of betrayal and all of the above.

• In organizations like businesses or churches, the narcissist wreaks havoc among staff, often able to get away with their sabotage scott-free and smelling like a rose. They can even fool judges and psychologists.

• The ultimate power for them is attention; they can’t tolerate anyone or anything other than them getting the attention in any situation. They will reliably ‘one up’ or ‘upstage’ someone who is getting attention, or very soon viciously attack them directly with lies and gossip, or with their minions.

• The narcissist violates boundaries: physical, emotional, and mental. They will make decisions that are not theirs to make and they will assume that they have the right to use, borrow, or even keep anything that belongs to others. 

• When a source of supply dries up as it inevitably does, they will engage in high drama, and rage. They will cast you aside and will make implicit and explicit threats to keep you in your place and cover their abusive ways.

• A narcissist will often go unchallenged because they take the game as far as they possibly can, getting ever more outrageous to control people. By the time challenge comes, there has been much pain, damage, and often total destruction of a family, partner, business, or church or any organization. They silence everyone that could expose them, so their abuse is always unnoticed which makes it so difficult to identify what they truly are.

• In business, narcissists may be in middle or upper management, and are brutal dictators to work under. They may violate personal space, union rules, and even the personal lives of those who work under them. Most victims endure hell before being ruined emotionally and career wise. In most cases, the only answer is to submit or quit.

• Narcissists are chameleons, changing positions in service of their selfish needs and wants. They do not have genuinely ordered moral codes; all morality is relative to their desires. They are often obvious hypocrites.

• Their chameleon nature allows them to pass in public, but they are dictators and terrorists in their private lives. They often have incredibly dysfunctional and damaged family lives; it is not uncommon for them to have multiple marriages or partners that they still use as supply cheating them of support, etc., or ex’s that they harass and stalk relentlessly. Many have a long pattern of cheating on their partners.

• Narcissists are emotionally stunted and immature; when they rage and throw a tantrum they really look like a three year old.

• The narcissistic personality will constantly exhibit behaviors like totally ignoring others, being late for important meetings or events, simply not attending and even walking out of events, consistently going over budget, avoiding being a team player at all costs, refusing to consult or ask for help – all common narcissistic behaviors.

• There is no having a relationship with a narcissist, you may be in a relationship with them, but they are not in relationship with you. You are only in their life to make them look good or because you are useful to the narcissist.

• Narcissists often make outrageous claims of previous honors and accomplishments, or close personal relationships with family or friendships with notable people or organizations, all pure fantasy on the narcissist’s part.

To sum it all up then; interaction with a narcissist often feels like a game of let’s pretend and everyone is supposed to pretend that the narcissist is royalty and the commoners are to pay homage, adulation, and thrill just to be in their presence and given their attention or special favors.

The narcissist is nothing if not an amazing actor. In order to defend him/herself* against hurt and other normal human emotions, the narcissist projects a grandiose image to the world. This false self is highly intelligent, incredibly virtuous, and completely without fault – virtually a saint. He/she believes this is who they truly are and demand that everyone else accept this image as the real thing (or else). His/her true self, is insecure, imperfect and likely hiding very unacceptable and perverse behavior, and it lies so deep within him/her that even he/she is not consciously aware of it. There is nothing a narcissist won’t do in order to keep this true self hidden from the world and from themselves.

When all is said and done in our mind, we MUST stop looking for ways to appease the narcissist so that we can stay in the relationship. The only way narcissists change is by getting worse! If they don’t get what they want, they increase the manipulation, abuse and bad behavior. Any attempts to get them to treat you better are futile, because the change is temporary at best and may lead to retaliation at worst. For the sake of your own physical and mental health, leave. Get out. Don’t come back. You will be glad that you did. NO CONTACT!Image

Posted on February 13, 2014, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. Well written, loved it! I was able to learn a lot and agree with the information, ssince myself is married to a Narcissist man.


  2. Nailed it! Thank you & I am free 🙂


  3. It would be helpful if you posted more to help teens and maybe use language that they would understand. I’m relatively old now but you described both of my parents. I was seriously suicidal during high school. I tried counseling, but as you noted, they lied and charmed the psychologist. Then I got in trouble for embarrassing them. Unfortunately my dad is still living, so I know that they never change.


  4. Reading about the profile of a narcissic my question is: in fact a narcissic that cannot feel real deep emotions is a more happy person than we are , isn t he?
    He hurts us and doesn t care of anyone emotions…while we can be sad or disoriented.

    we should all become narcissic so we will live never suffer.
    What do you think?


  5. I got the three year old treatment from my narcissistic ex when I caught the flu, had a super high fever, and was quarantined with bed rest. People were bringing food to my apartment, but my ex wasted not time making a dumb joke that I had done “too much tango, cha cha.” I don’t dance and he said that even though I explained that five people in my office were quarantined as well. He was resentful that because I needed bed rest, he had no audience for his meandering rants, but anyway out of the kindness of his heart, he sent me semi nude photos of himself to “cheer me up”. They were not nice to look at, but I managed to write some compliments and asked him to let me get some rest. He kept digging for compliments: “I hope you don’t throw up”. He meant because of his photos, of course, and not because I might be very ill and quarantined at home! I didn’t respond and he kept at it. “I see you’re not throwing up” and “I’m relieved you didn’t throw up”. I was so ill that his callousness was plain to see. That’s when I realized he must have a mental illness. I refused to address his numerous attempts to get a compliment, because I was sick and it was time for me to heal. In fact, I avoided him for a week because I knew he was going to bring it up. Sure enough, when he finally had a chance to speak to me, he asked if the photos had healed me. When I refused to answer, the threats came. “I don’t want to pursue something…” Alright, dummy. He’s begging for forgiveness, but he’s not saying that he’s done anything wrong. So, I’m staying away from him.


  6. Cutting the supply to your narcissist is the only way to stop living the terrible nightmare you are in. Once you have done this they will go else where to feed their supply like vampires.

    At the time it will be the hardest thing you will every do. But your not abandoning the narcissist becuase they will always survive.

    Its you that you are saving. In time when you are no longer feeding them you will understand why this is the only way to deal with them.

    Silence is gilden but to a narcissist its dealy.

    Stay strong and be proud to give yourself real life back.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I was wondering if anyone could comment on the ways to get over being jealous that their ex-narcissist is now with/getting supply from someone else? Logically I’m relieved I’m not the one being manipulated or getting my blood sucked any more, but emotionally I’m jealous that someone else is… Thanks


    • You’re not alone with your feelings of jealousy – it’s only natural and they will fade in time. Here’s what helped me – whenever word got back to me about my ex dating/getting supply from someone else, I would think about all the hell that he had put me through and how lucky I am that I am no longer his victim. I actually made a list of all the horrible things he had done, so that I could look at it whenever I had any doubt that I did the right thing in divorcing him.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. The narcissist in my life taught me the difference between compassion and sympathy. They made me look at a part of myself that I really did enjoy and question it. I was always fond of helping others out and hoping that people would make the right choices when under pressure. Now I understand that in order for me to get the life I want I will have to accept that others are exactly the way they are. They will not change, it is not my role to change them, heal them, fix them, or try in any way. Patience is a virtue in one’s own life, but patience for another is just what the narcissist looks for in a partner to control. Just accept. Accept that they are the way they are and make a choice based on previous experience if you want to experience life and all the drama that comes with it by inviting them into your life. Or it is better to have learned the “lesson” and then move on choosing not to repeat the same “mistake”?
    The narcissist in my life also provided the example of moving forward. From the non-narcissist perspective they are broken, in denial, and need love. From their own perspective they have no time to worship misery and accepting that they are “less” is not a choice.
    I don’t think it is healthy to live in denial but living in the past constantly and trying to figure out what went wrong doesn’t work. Use the past long enough to diagnose where you are and then ask “how” you can advance beyond where you are to something greater and more deserving.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Yeah; That’s Me, For Sure !!!


  10. well said. until you have dealt with one and their “polluted” circle of zombies that may mimic their BS you just don’t know how serious this problem is and will continue to be. Best thing is get out of the association as soon as possible.


  11. You are soooooo right on here. I lived it. All of it. And am finally free, thank God.


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