“Falling” in Healthy Love
Falling in healthy love doesn’t feel like FALLING
at all. Walking slowly into a relationship with another person involves alot of reason and clear thinking.
After NA, many survivors are so shell shocked, we don’t easily open ourselves up again to another person. We don’t do it quickly because that was what the former unhealthy partner forced us into. Rushing things doesn’t allow us to engage our more rational thinking skills and behavior and protect ourselves from someone with bad intentions if we need to.
We’ve acquired knowledge about exploitative people and how to avoid getting emotionally connected to them. This serves us well with a new person because we can really get to know whether they possess the same qualities or if they don’t.
Dating and all the rituals we undertake when we’re ready and able to be available to an equal partner is FRAUGHT with disappointment. What can be said for one horrible date after another, is that you’re learning to assert your boundaries. You really get to know who you are and what you like and don’t like by having a variety of dates with different partners and being able to say, “thanks but no thanks, I’m not interested.”
Just when you’re ready to give up on the idea that there is someone out there who meets your HIGH STANDARDS for functional thinking, feeling and behaving, I swear, THEY APPEAR.
It’s not that they’re an “answer” to fill something in yourself that’s missing. You’ve done all the hard work on yourself and filled your own holes with self love and self care. They meet a very specific need for a romantic, loving and HEALTHY partner.
God said that it is not good for “man” to be alone – and by that, he means women too. Thank God, he desires that we find our mates in life and thank him again that we need to be READY when we do.
What’s different for me now walking into healthy love – is that it is CALM, PEACEFUL, SERENE, TRUSTWORTHY, CONSISTENT, PRESENT YET GIVES SPACE, GENUINE, KIND, SOFT, SLOW – MOVING AND UNCONDITIONAL.
Many conversations that just flow easily from your soul, openly and honestly to a person who is just as honest and soul bearing with you, is the most lovingly bonding experience. That’s why healthy love REQUIRES reciprocity. It requires that TWO WHOLE PEOPLE show up and equally participate in creating something special. It feels good to trust that I KNOW my partner will do that. I know that I can COUNT ON HIM.
With such a slow foundation of trust and respect, a healthy relationship is a safe relationship. It is quietly enriching and deeply beautiful. This is not to say that “safe” doesn’t make it passionate, because it is! Passion is a great fire that burns hotter when it’s fueled by such a feeling of trust of a person’s genuine GOODNESS.
The absence of insecurity and anxiety is such the opposite dynamic from the NA relationship as is the absence of focusing on the “greatness” of one or the other of us as opposed to how well we work together as a team; as a partnership. I trust him 110%. To be honest with me, to be good to me, to keep his word, to treat me like a queen, to be loyal to me and to honor me whether I’m with him or not. I trust his integrity. I KNOW what drives him and I know that he operates out of his values when no one is looking. I would trust him with my money, my children, my physical being and my life. In fact there’s not ONE WAY, I DON’T trust him and for that reason alone, is why making him my forever partner is an easy decision.
LACK OF JEALOUSY
One of the things I love most about being in a healthy relationship is that when time goes by, and we haven’t spoken throughout the day…there is NO JEALOUSY – NO INSECURITY – no ridiculous, high school texts! NONE. NOT ONE. NOT EVER. I so value this trait in both of us. The maturity makes me feel so secure in the love of this good man – that the ONLY emotion that is evoked when time goes by, is missing him.
We’ve had many conversations about various relationships we’ve had in our past; our relationship histories. What I respect about both our styles is that neither of us is ever threatened or have negative emotions during these conversations. Both of us have many exes we’re still friends with and neither of us says a word about it , because we know that to be able to get along and be friendly with an ex (and no there’s no inappropriate undertone) is a sign that WE are HEALTHY PEOPLE.
WE NURTURE EACHOTHER
Our nurturing is mutual. It’s verbal, physical, and spiritual.
One act of love I am so grateful for that my partner nurtures me with is his healing touch.
I was in a car accident a few years ago and have terrible pain at times in my back. I cannot tell you how many hours he has spent, pouring his HEALING ENERGY into me, while spiritually protecting me, praying to God that all the toxic “leftovers” of energy from the n, get OUT of my body. Even his voice is tender and loving towards me – which is nurturing also. I wish I could bottle this feeling up and share it with everyone! His parents really deserve to know what an amazing person they raised.
WE’RE SIMILAR PEOPLE
Have you ever wondered what two GIVERS would feel like in a relationship? I can honestly say it is the most CALM, giving, harmonious and trustworthy relationship I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. We both don’t like to argue, so guess what? We don’t argue. We see eye to eye alot. He calls waitresses hon, I call waiters, Sweety. Ultimately, gender doesn’t matter; we’re just two happy people who want to share our love of life with everyone around us.
He has many solid friends who have nothing but nice things to say about him and so do I. We don’t keep secrets. We haven’t had a difficult conversation because we don’t make it difficult. We share similar passions- he helps people, his family helps people, I help people and WE help people. We’re both selective and have high standards for who we let in our lives. We don’t talk about superfluous things that don’t matter. We love our families deeply and both have good communication with our children. We have the same spiritual beliefs and live by the Golden Rule.
HE PROTECTS ME
This might seem like an odd quality to list – but if you’re a former victim of a narcissist, let me tell you that TO FEEL PROTECTED BY A MAN, WHEN YOU HAVE IT, IS HUGE! Accuse me of being old fashioned, but knowing that he has my back and will NOT let ANYONE mess with me, in ANY WAY, is such a great feeling. I felt so alone, my own defender, while dealing with the aftermath of abuse. Im still my biggest protector but to know that he can’t stand to see me hurt in anyway by any person – makes me feel safe. It doesn’t hurt that he’s a 6’4″ blackbelt with a background in law enforcement either. 🙂
Im thankful, so thankful – that God thinks Im ready to be in such an amazing relationship!!!!
I PROMISE YOU that when you are truly READY to believe that you deserve and are ready to receive it, that GOD WILL SEND A GENUINELY GOOD PERSON, the opposite of a narcissist into your life!!!