The Narcissist “I was stalking” – Reverse Buddhist Theory
Now that we are empowered with knowledge about the truth of a narcissist, we KNOW with 20/20 hindsight that their primary defense mechanism against their core of shame is to PROJECT.
Psychological projection was conceptualized by Sigmund Freud in the 1900s as a defense mechanism in which a person unconsciously rejects his or her own unacceptable attributes by ascribing them to objects or persons in the outside world. For example, a person who is rude may accuse other people of being rude.
In my case, the narcissist that abused me, would call this concept “Reverse Buddhist Theory”. What’s interesting is that he was using this term to be “funny” and acquire supply through appearing to be an “enlightened” person. What he was really doing was in fact, revealing his primary modus operandi.
When you’re entrenched in the narcissist’s abuse, manipulation and twisted world – it’s hard to see that the accusations and hurling insults are in fact just a narcissist describing themselves. When enmeshed, we take what the projecting narcissist says to HEART. Our own heart. We automatically accept that the narcissist is conveying FACT and begin to find a way to empathize with their feigned complaint about “US” and go about trying to solve it so that we can “fix” our relationship.
By the way, “Fixing our relationship” is what we spend our time doing every day, every moment with a narcissist. It’s how we exist in their world. We FIX; we SUPPLY. We take on the forced co-dependent responsibility of fixing the relationship by behaving as if we need to fix ourselves. Never does it occur to us that what’s happening is the narcissist, through projection, transfers THEIR problems that need fixing (their personality disorder) onto their targets and thus we become a dog chasing our proverbial tail. We are performing an impossible feat; fixing ourselves to fix the unfixable narcissist. This process is completely engineered, controlled and manipulated, whether unconscious or not, by the projecting narcissist.
The narcissist that abused me, told me early on in the “relationship” that “he was becoming my stalker”. He admitted he was obsessed with me. He told me many times how he was “uncontrollably” falling for me, in the biggest way he’d ever fallen for someone.
When first garnering their supply from a target, a narcissist will CREATE an OBSESSIVE focus on you. His laser beam focus was so intense, so penetrating, it was almost a little embarrassing, definitely different from others who had pursued my love interest. He really WAS obsessed; however, because of my inexperience with disordered personalities, I misread his intense focus on me as FLATTERING.
When a target feels flattered by the obsession of a narcissist, being placed on a pedestal, it blinds us to how really creepy and inappropriate obsession is. This is done by design, as a predator knows that if they obsess and focus on a person who’s vulnerable but who is skilled at “giving back”, that what they’ll get in return, is RECIPROCAL OBSESSION.
It’s one of the key indicators of a target’s tie to a narcissist and one of the things I look for now. When you see someone OBSESSING over a narcissist – constantly engaging in the narcissist’s “business” / “life”, constantly mentioning the narcissist in glowing terms, constantly looking for connections to the narcissist, ie: liking the same shows, hobbies, frequented haunts, food, and daily activities of the narcissist, you can GUARANTEE that what you have behind this obsessive focus, is a narcissist who is hands down, creating that obsessive focus in his target.
Unaware dupes may convince themselves that they just “admire” the narcissist, or defend how the narcissist is such a “role model” a “great friend with great advice” or that they’ve met the “person of their dreams” but we know that these are nothing more than the red flags of someone who’s being manipulated into obsessing over someone who feeds off this attention like a parasite. This person is unknowingly setting themselves for a HUGE FALL.
Projection becomes CLEAR to us once we are no longer being manipulated by a narcissist. Once we have a period of no contact with the narcissist’s daily bombardment of their reality, we can with CRYSTAL CLEAR foresight, see how big a role projection plays in their lives and how it’s clearly demonstrated as the narcissist moves through one supply source / target after another.
When I look back at the projections that I used to take personal, used to be hurt by, used to be shocked by and constantly defended myself against with the narcissist, I see startling evidence of projection operating throughout EVERY encounter I had with him.
Accusations of cheating (he was cheating), accusations of lying (he was a pathological liar), accusations of using him (he was using me), accusations of creating drama because I had feelings (he was creating drama), accusations of not being able to live in peace with him (he was incapable of living in peace), accusations of adding friends to facebook to “have sex with them” (hello! his facebook inbox was FULL of naked pictures) and finally in my discard stage where he told others / accused me in smear campaign of “being his stalker” and “not having a relationship with me”, accusing me of “fabricating the whole relationship” (Now THERE’S a rather twisted projection. Imagine that – a narcissist accusing someone else of “fabricating a relationship”).
My life for 3 years was spent defending the undefendable. Not only was it an insane way to spend my time, it was daunting, exhausting and ultimately futile. You simply can’t exist peacefully with someone who has a DISORDERED personality. What you will learn to live with is DISORDER.