The Narcissist “I was stalking” – Reverse Buddhist Theory

Now that we are empowered with knowledge about the truth of a narcissist, we  KNOW with 20/20 hindsight that their primary defense mechanism against their core of shame is to PROJECT.

Psychological projection was conceptualized by Sigmund Freud  in the 1900s as a defense mechanism in which a person unconsciously rejects his or her own unacceptable attributes by ascribing them to objects or persons in the outside world. For example, a person who is rude may accuse other people of being rude.

In my case, the narcissist that abused me, would call this concept “Reverse Buddhist Theory”. What’s interesting is that he was using this term to be “funny” and acquire supply through appearing to be an “enlightened” person. What he was really doing was in fact, revealing his primary modus operandi.

When you’re entrenched in the narcissist’s abuse, manipulation and twisted world – it’s hard to see that the accusations and hurling insults are in fact just a narcissist describing themselves. When enmeshed, we take what the projecting narcissist says to HEART. Our own heart. We automatically accept that the narcissist is conveying FACT and begin to find a way to empathize with their feigned complaint about “US” and go about trying to solve it so that we can “fix” our relationship.

By the way, “Fixing our relationship” is what we spend our time doing every day, every moment with a narcissist. It’s how we exist in their world. We FIX; we SUPPLY.  We take on the forced co-dependent responsibility of fixing the relationship by behaving as if we need to fix ourselves. Never does it occur to us that what’s happening is the narcissist, through projection, transfers THEIR problems that need fixing (their personality disorder) onto their targets and thus we become a dog chasing our proverbial tail. We are performing an impossible feat;  fixing ourselves to fix the unfixable narcissist. This process is completely engineered, controlled and manipulated, whether unconscious or not, by the projecting narcissist.

The narcissist that abused me, told me early on in the “relationship” that “he was becoming my stalker”.  He admitted he was obsessed with me. He told me many times how he was “uncontrollably” falling for me, in the biggest way he’d ever fallen for someone.

When first garnering their supply from a target, a narcissist will CREATE an OBSESSIVE focus on you.  His laser beam focus was so intense, so penetrating, it was almost a little embarrassing, definitely different from others who had pursued my love interest. He really WAS obsessed; however, because of my inexperience with disordered personalities, I misread his intense focus on me as FLATTERING.

When a target feels flattered by the obsession of a narcissist, being placed on a pedestal, it blinds us to how really creepy and inappropriate obsession is.  This is done by design, as a predator knows that if they obsess and focus on a person who’s vulnerable but who is skilled at “giving back”, that what they’ll get in return, is RECIPROCAL OBSESSION.

It’s one of the key indicators of a target’s tie to a narcissist and one of the things I look for now. When you see someone OBSESSING over a narcissist – constantly engaging in the narcissist’s “business” / “life”, constantly mentioning the narcissist in glowing terms, constantly looking for connections to the narcissist, ie: liking the same shows, hobbies, frequented haunts, food, and daily activities of the narcissist, you can GUARANTEE that what you have behind this obsessive focus, is a narcissist who is hands down, creating that obsessive focus in his target.

Unaware dupes may convince themselves that they just “admire” the narcissist, or defend how the narcissist is such a “role model” a “great friend with great advice” or  that they’ve met the “person of their dreams” but we know that these are nothing more than the red flags of someone who’s being manipulated into obsessing over someone who feeds off this attention like a parasite.  This person is unknowingly setting themselves for a HUGE FALL.

Projection becomes CLEAR to us once we are no longer being manipulated by a narcissist. Once we have a period of no contact with the narcissist’s daily bombardment of their reality, we can with CRYSTAL CLEAR foresight, see how big a role projection plays in their lives and how it’s clearly demonstrated as the narcissist moves through one supply source / target after another.

When I look back at the projections that I used to take personal, used to be hurt by, used to be shocked by and constantly defended myself against with the narcissist, I see startling evidence of projection operating throughout EVERY encounter I had with him.

Accusations of cheating (he was cheating), accusations of  lying (he was a pathological liar), accusations of using him (he was using me), accusations of creating drama because I had feelings (he was creating drama), accusations of not being able to live in peace with him (he was incapable of living in peace), accusations of adding friends to facebook to “have sex with them” (hello! his facebook inbox was FULL of naked pictures) and finally in my discard stage where he told others / accused me in smear campaign of “being his stalker” and  “not having a relationship with me”, accusing me of “fabricating the whole relationship” (Now THERE’S a rather twisted projection. Imagine that – a narcissist accusing someone else of “fabricating a relationship”).

My life for 3 years was spent defending the undefendable.  Not only was it an insane way to spend my time, it was daunting, exhausting and ultimately futile. You simply can’t exist peacefully with someone who has a DISORDERED personality. What you will learn to live with is DISORDER.


Posted on January 31, 2014, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. Sounds like you had a relationship with Darren Erman


  2. This article is so spot ON! WOW! Thank you for so eloquently and bravely stating the exact sequence of events that happens in a Narc relationship. One of the best comments he ever made to me in response to my having issues with lying is …”So tell me, what is it about YOU that you have issues with lying….?” As if to imply that everyone else is perfectly ok with it. In other words, what is my problem? hahaha.
    Just thank you. Great article.


  3. Oh and btw I must add that I did find it flattering in a weird “am I really worth all this obsession?” Kind of way.


  4. I am curious whether this can be applied to the situation I am currently involved in with my narc sister. We have a relationship similar to above in the sense that she has displayed some very obsessional behaviour but over social media (Pinterest). She has posted hundreds of pins,often putting my name on them, about me. It is all projection of her own insecurities of course but I find myself drawn into this bizarre world and often check her page to see what she posts next and have occasionally replied to defend myself if it involves something especially untrue (such as about my marriage). She then posts more pins and quotes in return and accuses me of stalking her. It’s a constant battle of her trying to make me out to be nothing, often calling me crazy or insisting I will have a mental breakdown and me defending myself. But my question is, is this similar to the article? What does she get out of it? What do I? Any thoughts would be highly appreciated. Thanks 🙂


  5. I wonder if this applies to the situation I am going through with my narc sister and would love any thoughts anyone has on it! My sister has become obsessive via social media (pinterest). She has posted hundreds of pins concerning me, even blatantly writing my name on them. They are all projection, things about success because she is quite unsuccessful in her life while I am doing very well for myself – you get the point. But the thing is that I cannot stop myself looking at her page. It’s like she’s reeling me in with every post. It’s like that amount of attention does feel somewhat flattering to me in a “am I really worth all this?” Way. Also, I sometimes do post things in return to defend myself if she has posted something especially untrue (such as about my marriage). Then she accuses me of stalking. It’s a very odd situation and I know I need to simply stop checking her page and ignore her rants. I have been doing so lately. But I would love to understand what is going on in the situation, what does she get out of it? What do I? Any thoughts on this would be highly appreciated. Thanks 🙂


  6. I loved the comment “defending the undefendable” as I always used to tell my Narc that I felt like I was going crazy trying to make sense of the non-sensical that he would say and do.

    The worse part though is that all of his projecting and abuse actually really did make me stalk him and do some stupid, unkind, and unhealthy things in an effort to punish and get revenge on him for having lied to, duped, and taken advantage of me. Is that normal and understandable or am I really crazy and unhealthy as he accused? I mean I did act crazy and unhealthy at one point as a result of being constantly provoked and antagonized by him but I am not that person in my core. I can’t believe he got the best of me like that and I actually snapped and really did become him, not just what he falsely projected onto me.

    I am now suffering with shame over the person I became and that I was not strong enough to overcome it as you and everyone else seems to have done.


  7. By the way, I reread my post and it may have sounded accusatory when I say things like “You should know better.” or “You also have no empathy.” I did not mean to point a finger at anyone in particular or the writer of this blog. I mean “you” as in ALL OF US! Writing is tough for me as I’m never sure how to impart tone which is so much of communication. We must get educated and read the signs of what is really going on with these narcs. Trust me, I was very taken in by a narc…although I would not have been taken in by one who was married because that is a red flag for me…I was still taken in very badly and became his 4th ex wife! Just because me ex narc was not the cheating type (he had germ phobias, lol) it did not mean he wasn’t a narc. They may present differently on the outside but inside they are all the same…evil. 😦 Good luck to all.


    • It’s ok. I understand completely. Personally, I know what I did was wrong. Had I known better at the time, I would have known that the first sign of narcissism is the fact that someone’s cheating. I had NO CLUE at the time, but even so, I do regret committing this sin. I definitely have asked for forgiveness and am morally courageous enough to openly admit it here for the world to know, that I am sorry. I can say this, I will NEVER do it again.


  8. I feel for anyone going through Narc abuse. I also don’t feel anyone should morally get involved with anyone else who is married…no matter how much they say they will leave their wife or husband…it doesn’t matter…this person is breaking a VOW before GOD by getting involved with you and then if they do leave the ex you both have the blood of the marriage on your hands. What good can come of that? You should know better. Whether they are a narc or not, them cheating with you is NEVER a good sign…but most likely a sign of Narcissism. Clearly, they have NO EMPATHY preventing them from cheating and hurting their wife but you ALSO have no empathy for the wife (and kids, if applicable!!). While I realize they may give a story about how they are the abused one and the wife is the villain…if they are truly healthy, they will divorce FIRST.


  9. I have a good example from my abuser looser… what is interesting in a way is that it is in response to a joke I made on a public mailing list among our shared peers…

    the joke is lame – but it was about the Edward Snowdon NSA news at the time – the narcissist looser thought this was about him…

    he thought that because he had been spending the preceding weeks trying to hack into pages on my blog where I kept notes about his abuse – these were protected by a password and so his attempts to hack behind said password and how a joke about the NSA should be about him – its obvious…

    This letter he sent to a very good friend of mine was copied to me – my thinking it was copied to abuse me – to let me see my friendship being eroded – as others have…

    The last sentence of his little outburst is pure projection.

    “Don’t bother having a word with him again, he will pretend to drop it and then just
    carry on behind your back. ”

    He has efficiently managed to ostracise me from our shared peers – those peers going along with him is the thing I understand the least about this whole thing.

    But you are so right – projection – is something I see all over his instances of abuse directed at me and in his utterances to others that I can see…

    This is also an example of his disregard for my boundaries too – that he would communicate in this way with one of my friends and copy me in as he did I shudder to think what has been said in private.

    Thanks you – this is a very helpful and supportive site. Thanks.


  10. Eerily similar to what happened to me. My ex stole the passwords to my email and facebook. Then went completely bonkers because I had female friends on there, and also because I had emailed her brother asking for help about her. Accused me of all kinds of stuff, then demanded I shut my FB account. There was certainly a large element of paranoia with her. Not sure whether this is a narcissist trait or a separate mental issue.
    I agree 100% about projection (countless times she told me ‘you are the most unhappy person I know’) and was trying to make me be the unhappy one. And it was not until she left (thank god her visa expired and she had to go home) that I could see the relationship clearly for what it was.
    I do wish her all the best for her life (as I do for anyone), but that girl is trouble and I hope the poor guy she married is not in the same horrible predicament I was.


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