4 Steps to Obtain Your Freedom From a Narcissist
Regardless of the relationship you have – obtaining your freedom is mostly about the way that you “relate” to the narcissist, so learning steps to break free from a narcissistic relationship applies for ANY affiliation.
By the time you realize your need to ESCAPE, you are going to be IN THE RED ZONE emotionally. You will feel drained. Sick and tired and VERY tired of being sick and tired. You’ll be questioning yourself heavily; feeling as crazy as they tell you that you are. Your world will feel like a Dr. Seuss story where Up is Down and Down is Up.
It is this SHEER DESPERATION of your inner soul screaming, “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” That you finally muster up the risk to take a leap of faith that you can survive WHATEVER COMES NEXT.
How to Break Free From the Madness:
1. Make a firm decision to Sever this relationship
Let’s be honest; It’s not a RELATIONSHIP at all. This is a takership, indentured servitude, a soul hostage situation. This is ANYTHING BUT a relationship. Your needs simply don’t matter here. If you matter to yourself at all, you’re going to have to make a tough call. Tough in the sense that right now, you’re likely still in denial. You likely still blame yourself AND you’re likely still emotionally attached or tied to the narcissist and their words and previously charming or helpful charade.
2. Go “NO CONTACT”
If Committment to severing the relationship is the “engine” part of the train out of hell, then NO CONTACT is the wheels. It’s where the rubber meets the road. No contact is an ACTION PLAN of silence. Yes, this immediate cessation of the very addictive cycle of narcissistic abuse, is jolting; to say the least.
It’s a shock to your entire life and way of being for a prolonged period of time. Your emotions will be raw and you’ll be hit with sadness of the realization that the narcissist is willing and capable of just DISAPPEARING and not speaking with you. (even though you know it’s best) It HURTS us to the core.
Our love for the narcissist was based on genuine concern and care. It’s not easy to suddenly transform your previous warm heart (however, tattered and worn) to an ice cold rendition of the narcissist’s cold heart.
However difficult those first 90 days of No Contact are, if you FOLLOW THROUGH on your promise to yourself to rescue your soul, then the 90 days will be over before you know it and when you arrive on the other side, Youll arrive a clearer, newer version of yourself. Someone you lost contact with many moons ago.
Please know that it is common to experience a wide range of sometimes shocking emotions. Many targets of narcissists find themselves crying intensely, breaking down in all types of social situations, feeling very mistrustful, even of friends and family, have the tendency to isolate and can suffer great feelings of sadness and possibly depression It is not uncommon that targets at this stage can have thoughts of suicide. (Please: if you are having feelings of hopelessness and desperation; that you can’t go on – reach out and tell a friend or call the free hotline to speak to a trained interventionist.
Narcissists have a way of driving their targets to suicide. This is a very common response to this abuse and to PTSD. You are not alone.
This stage is like a HOMECOMING. Boy when you wake up to the dynamics of the abusive system you were involved in and don’t have the narcissist’s constant tactics, you no longer have to see things their way. Which means, you get to be free from mental illness clouding up your vision.
You see narcissism really clearly, you see their manipulative tactics, you see the words they used to control you, you recognize EVERYTHING with 20/20 hindsight. And, You’re FREE!
This is almost a europhic state of learning to love yourself again. You realize that the only person who holds you back now from feeling good is YOURSELF and you don’t want to deprive yourself a moment of positive living!!!
You start to be able to see how cookie cutter narcissists really are, despite the fact that they pass themselves off as a such a one-of-a-kind special demi-god.
You also start to see what vulnerabilities you possessed and how they may have played a part in your ignoring red flags and not leaving sooner. Yes, it’s common to beat up on yourself in this stage, because you think with the clarity you have NOW, that you should have seen it. Not so. The narcissist was purposefully pulling the wool over your eyes. Love bombing and flattery will blind you to the underlying motives and personality disorder hiding behind the mask of Don Juan or Lolita.
It is worth mentioning at this stage, you will also be progressing through the grief cycle. A grief cycle that is unlike other endings; as it is a labyrinth of back and forth leaps through anger, shock, denial, acceptance and bargaining. The bargaining is the first to drop off, because of no contact, but the other stages – are shuffled through sometimes in the span of hours. So please be gentle with yourself. Dont think that this apparent “one step back” into strong emotions means that the bottoms falling out. It’s not; and you won’t get STUCK. I promise it only feels that way. Consider yourself very fortunate and well on your way to healing if at the 6 – 9 month mark, you have 5 out of 7 good days and a sudden relapse into grief. Perfectly normal.
4. Transform from typical target to empowered survivor
You know you’re changing when you go from telling someone they’re not going to get away with abusing you and SHOWING THEM.
This is when you start to walk the walk. You’re practicing everyday how to be your own protector.
The cycle of healthy self love goes something like this:
You feel fear but you’re surviving .
You start to build confidence.
Your confidence builds trust in yourself.
You risk again.
You learn you can handle situations that compromise your worth.
You feel good about protecting yourself.
You learn to trust yourself.
Your learn to trust others.
You begin asserting your boundaries.
You walk away from those who disrespect you.
You take good care of yourself.
You value yourself without the need for external validation.
Your self esteem returns and your choices reflect these good feelings.
You’re forgiving and willing to take the risk to fall in love again.
Before you know it, you’re a person who values yourself enough to protect what’s worthy about you and suddenly, only people who see that too, show up for you.
This phase, if given enough passion and devotion will become a lifelong practice of healthy self care. We overcome all the negative messages that said we didn’t deserve it, or that we won’t ever be happy or love again. Those are a thing of the past.
It’s like learning to live without a parachute. Being ourselves fearlessly and sharing our time with people who just love us as we are, and let us shine.