4 Steps to Obtain Your Freedom From a Narcissist

Regardless of the relationship you have – obtaining your freedom is mostly about the way that you “relate” to the narcissist, so learning steps to break free from a narcissistic relationship applies for ANY affiliation.

images (87)By  the time you realize your need to ESCAPE, you are going to be IN THE RED ZONE emotionally. You will feel drained. Sick and tired and VERY tired of being sick and tired. You’ll be questioning yourself heavily; feeling as crazy as they tell you that you are. Your world will feel like a Dr. Seuss story where Up is Down and Down is Up.

It is this SHEER DESPERATION of your inner soul screaming, “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” That you finally muster up the risk to take a leap of faith that you can survive WHATEVER COMES NEXT.

How to Break Free From the Madness:

1. Make a firm decision to Sever this relationship 

Let’s be honest; It’s not a RELATIONSHIP at all. This is a takership, indentured servitude, a soul hostage situation. This is ANYTHING BUT a relationship. Your needs simply don’t matter here. If you matter to yourself at all, you’re going to have to make a tough call. Tough in the sense that right now, you’re likely still in denial. You likely still blame yourself AND you’re likely still emotionally attached or tied to the narcissist and their words and previously charming or helpful charade.



If Committment to severing the relationship is the “engine” part of the train out of hell, then NO CONTACT is the wheels. It’s where the rubber meets the road. No contact is an ACTION PLAN of silence. Yes, this immediate cessation of the very addictive cycle of narcissistic abuse, is jolting; to say the least.

It’s a shock to your entire life and way of being for a prolonged period of time. Your emotions will be raw and you’ll be hit with sadness of the realization that the narcissist is willing and capable of just DISAPPEARING and not speaking with you. (even though you know it’s best) It HURTS us to the core.

Our love for the narcissist was based on genuine concern and care. It’s not easy to suddenly transform your previous warm heart (however, tattered and worn) to an ice cold rendition of the narcissist’s cold heart.

However difficult those first 90 days of No Contact are, if you FOLLOW THROUGH on your promise to yourself to rescue your soul, then the 90 days will be over before you know it and when you arrive on the other side, Youll arrive a clearer, newer version of yourself. Someone you lost contact with many moons ago.

Please know that it is common to experience a wide range of sometimes shocking emotions. Many targets of narcissists find themselves crying intensely, breaking down in all types of social situations, feeling very mistrustful, even of friends and family, have the tendency to isolate and can suffer great feelings of sadness and possibly depression It is not uncommon that targets at this stage can have thoughts of suicide.  (Please: if you are having feelings of hopelessness and desperation; that you can’t go on – reach out and tell a friend or call the free hotline to speak to a trained interventionist.

national suicide

Narcissists have a way of driving their targets to suicide. This is a very common response to this abuse and to PTSD. You are not alone.

3. Live with Clarity    images (88)

This stage is like a HOMECOMING.  Boy when you wake up to the dynamics of the abusive system you were involved in and don’t have the narcissist’s constant tactics, you no longer have to see things their way. Which means, you get to be free from mental illness clouding up your vision.

You see narcissism really clearly, you see their manipulative tactics, you see the words they used to control you, you recognize EVERYTHING with 20/20 hindsight. And, You’re FREE!

This is almost a europhic state of learning to love yourself again. You realize that the only person who holds you back now from feeling good is YOURSELF and you don’t want to deprive yourself a moment of positive living!!!

You start to be able to see how cookie cutter narcissists really are, despite the fact that they pass themselves off as a such a one-of-a-kind special demi-god.

You also start to see what vulnerabilities you possessed and how they may have played a part in your ignoring red flags and not leaving sooner.  Yes, it’s common to beat up on yourself in this stage, because you think with the clarity you have NOW, that you should have seen it. Not so. The narcissist was purposefully pulling the wool over your eyes. Love bombing and flattery will blind you to the underlying motives and personality disorder hiding behind the mask of Don Juan or Lolita.

It is worth mentioning at this stage, you will also be progressing through the grief cycle.  A grief cycle that is unlike other endings; as it is a labyrinth of back and forth leaps through anger, shock, denial, acceptance and bargaining. The bargaining is the first to drop off, because of no contact, but the other stages – are shuffled through sometimes in the span of hours. So please be gentle with yourself. Dont think that this apparent “one step back” into strong emotions means that the bottoms falling out. It’s not; and you won’t get STUCK. I promise it only feels that way.  Consider yourself very fortunate and well on your way to healing if at the 6 – 9 month mark, you have 5 out of 7 good days and a sudden relapse into grief. Perfectly normal.

4. Transform from typical target to empowered survivor 

You know you’re changing when you go from telling someone they’re not going to get away with abusing you and SHOWING THEM.

This is when you start to walk the walk. You’re practicing everyday how to be your own protector.
The cycle of healthy self love goes something like this:

tumblr_m6w4om1z4E1r78gnqo1_500 (1)

  You feel fear but you’re surviving .     

  You start to build confidence.

Your confidence builds trust in yourself.

You risk again.

You learn you can handle situations that compromise your worth.

You feel good about protecting yourself.

You learn to trust yourself.

Your learn to trust others.

You begin asserting your boundaries.

You walk away from those who disrespect you. 

You take good care of yourself.

You value yourself without the need for external validation.

Your self esteem returns and your choices reflect these good feelings.

You’re forgiving and willing to take the risk to fall in love again.

Before you know it, you’re a person who values yourself enough to protect what’s worthy about you and suddenly, only people who see that too, show up for you.

This phase, if given enough passion and devotion will become a lifelong practice of healthy self care. We overcome all the negative messages that said we didn’t deserve it, or that we won’t ever be happy or love again. Those are a thing of the past.

It’s like learning to live without a parachute. Being ourselves fearlessly and sharing our time with people who just love us as we are, and let us shine.

Posted on January 19, 2014, in Narcissism, Narcissistic Abuse, Recovery. Bookmark the permalink. 15 Comments.

  1. thank you just simply thank you


  2. Thank you so much for this detailed description. I never comment on sites but when I read your post I felt like you were reciting every chapter or step of my new life. I am currently at 9 months separated from my narc and he still insists on trying to make me feel this is my fault. Unfortunate we must have contact because we have children together. Thanks to posts and inspiring quotes I have seemed therapy and I feel I am on the road to recovery!! I think there are many people suffering with this issue and it is not discussed enough for the victims to actulally know what is happening to them… I think everyone who has been abused and manipulated by a narcissist should make it one of our top priorities to educate the victims still suffering. If I knew what a narcissist was years ago I probably wouldn’t have suffered as long!!


  3. The no contact only works for those who don’t have children with these monsters.


  4. 44yrs now with this narc. I left almost two years ago. He picked a fight that morning to make me look bad. He wanted to call the sheriff on me to make me look crazy. ..little did he know, I was not going to tolerate the violence anymore against me. He is the one that got hurt. I pushed him back for once. He has stalled every effort to finish the marriage in court. I have moved 9 times and ate at church food pantries. He wanted me in a shelter to teach me a lesson. I have received nothing since I left and live on social security. I am on my second lawyer..the 1st one quit in disgust.


  5. Well folks I’m at the 8 month stage of being free, 2 days ago, out of the blue, you get the gig, first 3 months torture, the next 2 limbo the next 3 thinking I’m getting there, suddenly felt a bit anxious and didn’t know why really, only for about 15 minutes but it did throw me I have to say, I’ve read loads, even written a 161 page A5 book, (well personal story) but I suppose I never really thought about a timeline, figured I was mostly there (foolishly) so a great post and a reminder that it TAKES TIME,


    let time take it’s time – – – – – – – – thanks for the reminder, take a breath and realise 8 months out, I’m just at the beginning of being really free, that wee anxious feeling stalled me a bit, this is a great reminder to expect the knocks, but they are NOT CRIPPLING anymore, getting there I HOPE….. all the best folks


  6. Thank you for writing this road map. I will share it with my followers on facebook.com/CheatingCannotBeTolerated


  7. I can’t thank you enough for this information. Best website by far. If you ever need an excellent review, when I can cope lol, I will be happy to write one for you. Thank you for helping me find my salvation xo


  8. Well written, and so true. I went through all of these cycles and am in such a better place, thanks to God.


  9. Are there any articles on here for when your child is the narcissist? How do you break ties with your own child? Mine is 18.


  10. This is an excellent post, and I’m glad to see that you included the number for the suicide hotline. It’s a topic that isn’t discussed much, but is more common than people realize. Also, No Contact is such a crucial factor but the hardest one for people to follow through on. Your description just might help a few people stick with it…


  11. This is absolutely fabulous for me to have read. I didn’t want to label my affair partner in any way because there are just too many generalizations out there. The affair ended 4 years ago and he just contacted me out if the blue “apologizing”. I spent the last few years writing a blog and I went back to read it and as I’m reading this post you nailed every emotion and question that went through my mind and everything he did!!!!! Reading your blog has helped me come to realize that I’M not the crazy one…and my affair partner is right–it’s not me, it’s him.


  12. I appreciate and value your insight with all of this. I enjoy reading your posts and can relate to everything that is described and used for examples. I unfortunately have to have contact with them because we gave kids together. however, I was very surprised how clear the tactics and manipulation were once I was out and several months post leaving/separation. thanks so much for sharing all if this. it has been very helpful.


  1. Pingback: 4 Steps to Obtain Your Freedom From a Narcissist | Autumn Leathers

  2. Pingback: 4 Steps to Obtain Your Freedom From a Narcissist | Nathalie Aynié

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