Signs That You’ve Been Abused by a Narcissist


Self-Doubt

1. YOU DOUBT YOURSELF

Do you recognize that you’re doubting yourself more than you ever have before?

Victims of narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something.

This reactive adaptation to narcissistic abuse is because the narcissist is ALWAYS finger pointing and shifting blame to YOU for ALL of the ups & downs both in the relationship AND in the narcissist’s personal psyche.
Because this relationship has NON EXISTENT boundaries, you will find YOURSELF constantly PUT UPON and FORCED to accept responsibility for things you didn’t do or say. This borrowed humiliation and shame is exactly what the narcissist intends for the victim to take from the narcissist. Their own unfelt core of shame.

2. CONFUSION

confusion

Just refer to the above explanation of self doubt and boundary transgression if you want to understand the CONFUSION that is part and parcel of narcissistic abuse.

Daily boundary transgression and criss crossing of responsibility starts to wear on even the clearest minded of targets.
Suddenly you wake up and realize that all the realities and borders between yourself and others is not only BLURRED but MISSING.

It’s confusing to KNOW that you aren’t responsible for someone else’s behavior, thinking and feeling but to be CONSTANTLY SCOLDED for behaving, thinking and feeling as if you ARE.

It’s crazy-making and a narcissist purposefully causes this confusion. They know that a divided and conquered mind is their most vulnerable and susceptible target who won’t be able to identify that their confusion is caused by an abusive technique called ‘gaslighting’.

Gaslighting is a technique of psychological abuse used by narcissists to instill confusion and anxiety in their target to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment.  With gas lighting, the target initially notices that something happens that is odd, but they don’t believe it.  The target attempts to fight the manipulation, but are confused further by being called names or told that they’re: ‘Just Too sensitive’, ‘Crazy’, ‘Imagining things’ or the narcissist  flat out DENIES ever saying anything hurtful. Gradually, the target learns not to trust their own perceptions and begins doubting themselves.  Broken and unable to trust themselves, they isolate further. The target now doubts everything about themselves: their thoughts and opinions, their ideas and ideals. They become dependent on the narcissist for their reality.

For it is in your CONFUSION and acceptance of responsibility that belongs to the narcissist, that a narcissist is able to successfully CONTROL YOU and USE YOU as a scapegoat for their problems.

3. FEELING CRAZY


Every minute of every hour of every day of every year, a Narcissist, who has a DSM classifiable personality DISORDER (ie: not playing with a full deck) is PROJECTING their disorder onto those around them. If you don’t think that having a crazy person constantly blaming you for being “crazy” will make you crazy, I’d like to introduce you to a narcissist that will convince you otherwise.

This disorder isn’t a relationship gone wrong. This disorder isn’t kid stuff. It’s MALEVOLENT. It’s a transference of malevolence and MENTAL DISORDER from the person who has it to the person who DOESN’T.LOVE QUOTES (39)

Frankly, before a narcissist, I’ve not once in my life, FELT CRAZY. Neither have I ever been told by a psychologist and I’ve seen lots of them – that I had anything WRONG with MY own MENTAL HEALTH. Personally, I always had it “together”. I was resilient, mentally tough, and withstood many events in my life that would make others crumble.

Yet, when I unwittingly dated someone with this serious mental health malady, I wanted to slam an entire set of broken porcelain down his throat sideways and every obtuse moron that believes the garbage that comes out of his mouth. No, it’s not that I suddenly became a person interested in physical violence, I suddenly became a person who was witnessing a DSM category all wrapped up into a physical being – who turned his mental health problems ON Me. I became a target of a person with a problem. They say, “Hurt people, HURT people”. I say, “Narcissistic People DESTROY PEOPLE”.

4. EMERGING CLUSTER OF SYMPTOMS THAT HAVE NO OTHER EXPLANATION

1inexplicable

All I could muster to the narcissist in my dear john letter when I broke up with him that wonderful New Year’s Eve, was “I DONT KNOW what’s WRONG!! But I just don’t feel like myself. Something feels EXTREMELY TOXIC and I don’t know why”…..This should be the alert when a victim of narcissistic abuse presents themselves to therapists. The inexplicable “complaint”.

My first visit to my therapist were those words exactly. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but It’s SERIOUS!” I felt it. I did – I felt BEWILDERED inside, but I could not articulate what it was. (another red flag for someone usually able to articulate every feeling and explanation about myself in-depth).How was it that after 43 years of explaining, analyzing and discussing my own deficiencies quite well, I could NOT for the life of me explain to my therapist what was so “wrong” with me that it was palpable. His answer, set me free, it really did. 

“YOU HAVE BEEN IN A DOMESTICALLY VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST “

My therapist had some background with this person. He’d WITNESSED the narcissist calling me, berating me during sessions. I held the phone away during one session, so that my therapist could hear the narcissist on the other end questioning me about cheating, “Accusing me of having an affair with the therapist”.  Grilling me about what the therapist looked like and would speak to me like. He even accused the therapist of wanting me sexually and that was the reason the therapist spoke so lowly of the narcissist. (of course it couldn’t just be that the narcissist had a bad reputation and the community was on to him)

Sufferers report that their spark has gone out and, even years later, find they just cannot get motivated about anything.

Unaware that we’ve been living in a war zone with a tyrannical narcissist, we can’t quite grasp the words to articulate the abuse, yet at the same time, we VERY MUCH FEEL IT. We present ourselves to the mental health community, incapable of speaking about an abuse we yet know nothing about. Until that word, “NARCISSISTIC ABUSE” is given to us, we have NO IDEA that is what’s causing our pain. That’s why it’s SO IMPORTANT to get the word out there, what narcissists look like, their modus operandi, the words and phrases they use, so that when a victim of their abuse begins looking for answers, they quickly will be able to identify that they are involved with a narcissist.

In Narcissistic Victim Syndrome you are looking for a cluster of symptoms to emerge many are the symptoms of trauma (avoidance, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties and nightmares, irritability, hyper-vigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, psychosomatic illnesses, self-harming, thoughts of suicide etc).Some victims develop Stockholm Syndrome and want to support, defend, and love the abuser despite what they have gone through.

5. DISSOCIATION

Victims tend to ‘dissociate’ or detach from their emotions, body, or surroundings. Living in a war zone where all forms of power and control are used against you (intimidation; emotional, physical and mental abuse; isolation, economic abuse, sexual abuse, coercion, control etc), the threat of abuse is always present. Dissociation is an automatic coping mechanism against overwhelming stress.

dissociation 3

Symptoms of dissociation resulting from trauma may include depersonalization, (disconnecting your body awareness from your physical self) psychological numbing, disengaged from life and passions, or amnesia regarding the events of the abuse.

It has been hypothesized that dissociation may provide a temporarily effective defense mechanism in cases of severe trauma; however, in the long-term, dissociation is associated with decreased psychological functioning and adjustment.

Other symptoms sometimes found along with dissociation in victims of traumatic abuse (often referred to as “sequelae to abuse”) include anxiety, PTSD, low self-esteem, somatization, depression, chronic pain, interpersonal dysfunction, substance abuse, self-mutilation and suicidal ideation or actions. These symptoms may lead the victim to erroneously present the symptoms as the source of the problem.

6. PTSD

Let’s face it. If I didn’t mention PTSD, or Complex PTSD, I would NOT be doing the topic of narcissistic abuse syndrome ANY justice.

Ptsd, in layman’s terms? From a fellow sufferer? A Cerebral anxiety attack that makes your whole body come alive with PALPABLE FEAR. The rapid heart beat, the intrusive and spinning thoughts and fears – just like the abuse is CURRENTLY HAPPENING SEQUENTIALLY ALL OVER AGAIN. This is called RE-LIVING.  It’s as if the traumatic abuse event is occurring in the present tense. All the emotions of fear, shame, shrinking, wincing, looking over your shoulder & walking on eggshells waiting to be attacked ruthlessly AGAIN.     ptsd

Physical numbness –

(toes, fingertips, lips) is common, as is emotional numbness (especially inability to feel joy).

Avoidance –

of places, sounds, tastes, and songs that remind them of their abuser or the abuse. Intense feelings of anxiety even in anticipation of having to revisit the memories.

Memory Loss – Almost all targets report impaired memory. Partially due to conscious avoidance as well as from the damage done to the hippocampus, an area of the brain linked to learning and memory.

Need for solitude / tendency to isolate
We’re EXHAUSTED after narcissistic abuse. Feelings of withdrawal and isolation are common; we just want to be in our own head for a while, find our own answers; thus, solitude is sought.

Lack of Joy and Hope
Inability to feel joy (anhedonia) and deadening of loving feelings towards others are commonly reported. One fears never being able to feel love or trust again.

The target becomes very gloomy and senses a foreshortened future sometimes with justification. Many targets ultimately have severe psychiatric injury, severely impaired health and/or stress related illnesses.

Sleeplessness-
Melatonin became my new best friend after narcissistic abuse. The nightmares and night terrors can be overwhelming that good restorative sleep becomes impossible.  Napping became my new favorite passion.

Sleep becomes almost impossible, despite the constant fatigue; such sleep as is obtained tends to be unsatisfying, unrefreshing and non-restorative. On waking, the person often feels more tired than when they went to bed. Depressive feelings arrive very early in the morning, making falling back to sleep an impossibility.  Feelings of vulnerability and loneliness may be heightened overnight.

Anxiousness, Guilt & Disturbing thoughts – 

Targets have an extremely short fuse and are easily irritated. The person frequently experiences obsessive visions of violence happening to the narcissist  hoping for an accident for, or murdering the narcissist; the resultant feelings of guilt further limit progress in healing.

Fight or Flight Response – 

With your system on alert for ever-present danger in the environment it’s easy to react sensitively to sudden changes – causing the startle response.

Awareness of symptoms – 

It’s very harrowing to realize that you are different from you were before the narcissist; FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT. When you are very aware that PTSD has replaced the narcissist, it emotionally drains the target of any hope for being PERMANENTLY NARCISSISTIC FREE. We don’t want to be constantly reminded and aware of the person we escaped. We want to live freely, however symptoms, are a constant reminder that we DON’T.

Posted on December 1, 2013, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 624 Comments.

  1. I endured narcissistic abuse by too many people, and most recently by my supervisor. I’ve done everything I can, to expose this to HR, including explaining that some of his characteristics are markers of an abusive personality, while some of my ‘undesirable’ characteristics of late are the result of having been abused. They tell me I’m paranoid (another sign of having been abused!!), and that I should be sensitive to him, because he’s “insecure” (hello?!? A PRIMARY marker for an abuser). Wish HR had an abnormal psychology component to their education. Seems they have no clue whatsoever.
    What I’ve learned:
    1. You don’t have to do ONE THING wrong / bad / ‘off’ to set off a narcissist. Simply being liked and successful can make them focus on you as a target.
    2. You are NEVER SAFE with a narcissist. And I mean NEVER. Hard lesson learned, that has almost gotten me fired. When they are being nice / cordial / polite / respectful to you, that is when the red flashing DANGER!! signs should be going off in your head. The ONLY reason a narcissist is EVER nice to their target is when they are plotting against you, and are hoping to catch you off guard so that you will inadvertently provide them with ‘proof’ of something they can use against you. And don’t we all just “love” company policies prohibiting any recording devices in the workplace? Your word v. a supv. – even if you have been with the company for far longer, and have a great record prior reporting to them–who do you suppose HR will believe?
    3. The ONLY way to survive / succeed / stay or get sane is to get the H away from them. No matter what, if you are the selected target, you will ALWAYS be the selected target. And ANYTHING you do or say, or do NOT do or say WILL be used against you. HR will act as a prosecuting attorney, you will not be given a chance to dispute, and if you try to, you are labeled as uncooperative / a troublemaker / problem child…and that is also used against you as further proof that your malignant narcissist / borderline psychopath boss was right about you all along (and after years on a job with no problems, “thank goodness” that someone finally came along with the brilliance to figure out what a crummy employee I’d been the whole time). It’s insanity.

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  2. So accurate and going through it is hell on Earth. I am divorcing this abusive person after 22 years of it and 14 married. Been threatened for years and set up for 3 years as he used every weakness on me and used our 2 children. Judge slapped him with a 10 year restraining order and professionals thought he would take my life. Going through a messy divorce and extremely messy custody battle that I since gave him sole custody as my son is brainwashed by him. Soon but not soon enough ex was just given a settlement of over $200,000 to compensate for a injury in an accident over 2 years ago. Our daughter stays away from all family including me after a homicide happened 10 feet from the guy I’m now with apartment and my soon to b ex was a suspect in

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  3. Thank you for the clearest explanation of the abuse I had experienced. It did help me to overcome all the crazy symptoms. I still can’t express myself to my satisfaction. 2 men, both with the same actions but the former gave me closure, so I can heal.

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  4. THANK U …

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  5. How do I Cope when it’s my son? I love him so much but had to go low to no contact. Any advise when a mom realized we will never be the same?

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  6. I can’t begin to express my gratitude for this exacting and concise print. I was starting to believe that i was losing my mind but fighting like hell to try and understand why, realizing I had been mentally and emotionally tortured in a marriage I wanted to escape 10 yrs. before I actually did. I was foolish, unaware of narcissism completely and thinking that if we moved out to the country and my spouse was able to take the position he desired in his company, he would finally be happy again… so I sacrificed finishing my RN degree all good friends and my family and gave my marriage a second chance with the help of antidepressants and anti anxiety meds, which almost made him bareable, but I knew once we were situated and even much better off financially and he still seemed unhappy especially to me and with me that he hadn’t changed one bit and I was still his “target” everyday he came thru the door, no matter what I did, said, thought, felt and believed according to him I was wrong and some kind of idiot. I could do nothing right, good enough, or please him no matter how hard I tried… the only leverage that I held onto and refused to give into was his wants, demands and sleazy expectations in the bedroom… I figured if he didn’t enjoy making love to me naked as I came into this world with the moonlight shining down on us on a mountain top, then I failed to see the point in reducing myself to modeling sleazy lingere and giving him more pleasure and attention his told me I needed to in order to please him… WHY? Why should I bother if he didn’t enjoy the sex we had…What good would it do to act “slutty” like a cat in heat throwing myself all over him? The actual sexual act would still be with the same person who he complained about when we had sex. Why compromise myself further??? I NEVER HAD ANY OTHER LOVER IN MY LIFE COMPLAIN ABOUT MY LOVE MAKING, JUST THE OPPOSITE, IT WAS HOT AND PASSIONATE, AS OFTEN AS WE COULD…but with him, after the first year or so, it became a bore and then a chore… he wasn’t a good lover, so sex was like a lot of married couples wind up, infrequent, a stand-off. He wasn’t even a horny spontaneous quick let’s do it on the washer while the kids are upstairs passionate husband. He wanted to lie back and be entertained and seduced like a lap dancer does in a strip joint, harassed me to get my nipped pierced cause “it turned him on”… I told him to get his pierced then, I thought it was gross, painful, and potentially hazardous to a woman, especially me as mine are extremely sensitive….put a metal bar through my nipple which I nursed my babies with…..not in this lifetime….go think again!!!…He tried manipulating me with marking the calendar to prove how infrequently we had sex, to guilt/shame me, and came up with the line “That is one less time you’ll have sex in your life” lol No, one less time I would be insulted in bed and when we divorced, I made up for all I lost in SPADES!!! I also told him if he wanted a slut to go get one, I could care less… I didn’t feel like I was missing out on any mutual steamy sex with him so why should I care what his demands were??? Honestly, he thought he was some kiND of royalty and I was sub-serviant…NOT, I was raised better than that.. ànd I actually got so angry, I would give his sh-t right back to him and he couldn’t handle it…get offended and mad as a hornet. And then I would point out “You can dish it out but you sure can’t take it.” Hence my pet name “psycho-bitch” originated… lovely term of endearment to refer to your wife or call her as an inside secret, or make her feel loved and desirable. Don’t you agree? I never had any psychological issues in my life until that point… ànd now I am trying to heal from the emotional scars, anger issues, anxiety, distrust, loss of joy and isolation from friends and family he caused. And searching for the kind hearted, outgoing, well liked, good person he carnage and tried like hell to destroy. Narcissists are exhausting, depressing, unnerving, and extremely degrading yet quite cunning people. My ex was an avid hunter and to me narcissists are of the same nature. They lure and stalk their prey and attempt to destroy what it is they seek… They are pretty twisted, sick devious people who will stop at nothing in their attempt to attain pleasure and an inflated sense of self esteem or any type of material gain at the expense of anyone they can. My ex was in a fatal auto accident and sued the dead woman’s estranged husband for $80,000 for a face full of superficial lacerations and shreds of sharred glass he “suffered” from when his faced hit the windshield on impact when he t-bone her Jaguar that pulled out in front of him in a snow storm because he wadn’t wearing his seat belt. It looked God awful for almost 3 weeks, long enough to take gory photos at his slick attorney’s office to prove serious (looking) injury, pain and suffering that you would imagine to be awful. In less than 2 months you could not tell his face was even moderately injured, he had a little lumpy area on the end of his nose you could barely notice and he healed without so much as a scar. Never even had prescribed pain meds IT wasn’t even as bad as some road rash injuries. He was absolutely fine and she was absolutely dead. But he was awarded $80,000 because she was determined to be at fault and he sustained mild injuries because he failed to use his seat belt. And he was happy about the outcome… Sick, sad, twisted person, I wouldn’t even call him a man. No guilt, no remorse for the true victim, only self gratification at the expense of her life… Narcissists are like predatory or poisonous animals that strike with intent to kill or reign more powerful and superior to other species that inhabit the same territory. Ironically my ex was a Leo by astological signs. A lion. And had a TATOO on his bicep of a snake attempting to snatched a butterfly in flight. I told him that it suited him perfectly. He was a snake alright He seemed offended when I pointed out the similarity. He also seemed angry and had it covered up with huge tribal stripes after we divorced. I believe he realized that it might give away his modus operandi although his tribal stripes aren’t much better, just more common and trendy, but still the war paint of a primitive man ready for hunting or war. In the long run our divorce and his bad business ethics cost him everything he worked 20+ years to acquire He got nailed by the IRS for failing to file his Partnership Taxes on a small business he and his boss went into. He also lost his cushy job, top of the line custom king-cab diesel pick up, which was replaced new every two years by the company with full personal use of and paid fuel expenses, full warranty, his pension, his precious house and 25 acres with gas royalties. Was forced to file bankruptcy and I am almost certain his large equiptment operator paycheck is garnished to pay for taxes he owed
    Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy I don’t believe. But he still struts around slinging his bullshit stories, his version of the truth, pumping himself up like some bad ass and laughing about it like “It’s only money” Yeah, pretty funny huh? Money he doesn’t have. There is the true sign of his mental derangement. He is 59 years old, honestly, what man with 1/2 a brain would be laughing about that facing retirement in the next 6 to 11 years. I don’t think so. He screwed the pooch this time. Now he actually has to work everyday for a paycheck, not sit with his feet up on the desk browsing porn sites and telling the rest of his employees his bullshit stories or to get back to work. No more secretary to blame for his screw ups or phone to chew the fat with his buddies or customers…..ha, ha, ha..
    he is a lazy thug too. May he work until he drops over for destroying twenty years of my life just wasted away and completely destroyed all the sacrifice hard work I did ability for our daughters to attend college without acquiring heavy debt any nice weddings they deserve help getting their own lives started or financial security in time of emergency they can fall back on and worst of all setting a pitiful example for them as what to expect in a husband. And the three of them pity him, help him, decorate his rented back home and clean it. Go shop for his groceries and cook for him when they need or want to. He is manipulating them and teaching them how to be like him, ever so engaging only with full intent of gaining something themself at the expense of the unsuspecting kind and trusting soul that likes them… I know all too well. My own daughters tried to play me for a fool one too many times and wrote me off when I called them on their bluff. I love you mom lip service doesn’t get them anywhere anymore. Too many lies and deception he encouraged them to feed me about life with him, and I would and did anything, all I could for them raised them with high morals and standards to live by and he turned around and told them when they turned 18 they were free to do whatever they wanted. Scoffed at college after they graduated as National Honor Society Members and worked hard to achieve and maintain the recognition and respect of their teachers and peers. They were taking college accredited classes in their junior and senior years for God’s sake. And held jobs in good establishments with a lot of responsibility and were handed the keys and security closing procdues for the large PT and physical workout center at 17 years of age. I, practically without any help at all from him, raised those girls to be extremely intelligent, kind and we’ll mannered, outgoing, personable and delightful responsible accountable honest and forth right delightful happy well rounded young women. And that rotten SOB showed them “all they were missing out on” dragging the 27 yr. old blonde slut of the county home to party his ass off with or fight like raving maniacs putting holes thru the drywall with punches that didn’t connect with the intended recipient. So what do my attention craved daughters do??? They go boy crazy, put up with rude athletes, older popular guys who aren’t interested in them expect if they can get them in bed
    And my dumb ass daughters put up with their uppity attitudes, think that these guys are a catch, craving any and all male attention their father never gave them as well as approval, so they are willing to do just about anything if the guy spends time with them and ogled over her, she is starry eyed in love, he takes her out in his car or truck for Chinese buffet, and gets her to and from work (cause dad doesn’t feel he needs to provide her a car) and the next thing you figure out is she’s sleeping with him and wants to move into his parents house because it’s fine with them and she is eighteen and her father told her she is free to do whatever she wants!!! (In other words, I am done doing for you my sweet daughter find what you need where ever you can… I am doing what I want too. Have a great life CHEERS!!! And while your out grab a couple of beers so you and lover boy are as happy and carefree as me and my hot babe..ARG!!!) And the next time they stop over when we are just having a cold beer after cutting the lawn in the blazing hot sun, my daughter spots a red Silo plastic cup and opens her big mouth and asks me if I know how to play “Beer Pong” I act stupid and say no so she continues to tell me how her and lover boy are champions amongst friends that hang out at his 25 yr old buddy’s place that sits down in the hollow on a dirt road not far from where they live. So I say I guess the cops don’t patrol down there do they? Oh no mom. It’s safe to drive home. This is my 18 yr. old National Honor Society Graduate who goes on to tell me they go over there a couple times a week! I was too shocked by the free divulging of her new found social habits I didn’t think to ask for this 25 yr. old jerk’s address to report him for serving liquor to minors and sending them down the road drunk off their ass! At least on a college campus or town, there isn’t a whole lot of driving going on and there aren’t many places to play beer pong and get totally wasted! And there are people around who realize what goes on and look out that they are safe. And the drinking is limited by their work requirements or they’ll flunk out…you can’t do both whenever you like and graduate with more educated brain cells than when you started and at least you accomplish that and land a job that will support you rather than living with mom and dad… So much for their futures thanks to good old narcissistic dad. Wish I never fell for the con artist or had to find out what a narcissist is and the path of destruction he creates. I WISH I COULD JUST FORGET IT, BUT SEEMS VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO WIPE OUT OR ERASE 20+ YEARS OF YOUR LIFE!
    .

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  7. This makes me cry because I am in a relationship that has boundaries. What I wear when I’m always cover up! Accused of looking for men when were driving around when we all have eyes to look what’s around us. I have all this anger built up for almost 2 years now. And I don’t know what to do but just hide from it and think everything will be fine but deep down I’m hurting.

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    • I can certainly relate to what you must be experiencing. I was raised by a covert narc so I can understand the feeling of being trapped with nowhere to go. However, the only real way out is to plan your exit strategy and then leave when you’re ready…but to do so quickly before any retaliation can take place. You certainly don’t need to live with any of that abuse…no one does.

      I have been no-contact from my mother since 2004 and I have to say that it was the BEST decision of my life. As soon as you distance yourself from that abusive situation you will be able to heal and grow…and enjoy life again. The hardest part though is to leave…the rest is somewhat easier, so if you have friends with whom you can confide and help you so much the better. Seeking counseling or therapy would be a suggestion after you have left too as you can learn so much about recover from those sessions.

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  8. You must be strong and work out fact from fixtion. My wife was a very clever passive attacker but we stopped the issue together in the end.

    You will have to work out boundaries and stick to them, start small but slowly train his mind to assume some responsibility as your husband for your life!

    Remove your mind from being a victom to a leader mentality. The trap needs you to be the victim for the magic to work. The greater the pain the further they can hypnotized you.

    Sleep is important, good food and water. Take up a sport and find a therapist don’t get lonely, social intraction with others gives you confidance to live your life.

    Passive aggressive is a fine craft of darkness. It can be stopped but you need to become the leader, this can only be done with the light of honesty. When you start to feel attacked, stop the conversation and get him to write down the facts do this enough times and he will beging to take ownership for his habit. Remember he was once a sweet baby and someone has forged the monster. If you don’t want to be the victim you must be the leader. Read how to win people and influence people it helped me and a great clasic book

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  9. It took me many years to recognize that I am the victim of a narcissist abuser. Because he presents as warm, helpful and gentle, it was easy to be fooled. What has made the abuse so horrific is that he has systematically brainwashed my belief daughter into deceiving me by convincing her day after day that I am crazy. And when I finally got up the courage to leave, I was accused of child abuse. In order to get back with my child. I’ve had to suck up to this monster and now I am back in his clutches again. My life has been a nightmare. I don’t know what to do.

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    • As a survivor you pick yourself up and recognize you can only control yourself. It hurts so much when are children are involved and they dangle this in front of you. Find a therapist that understands NPD you can’t repair the damage that’s in the past you can get yourself together and model for your daughter what healthy is. It breaks their control when you get it together and start to focus on yourself.

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    • The current Family court system in the US is a playground for sociopaths. Seems like the biggest liar wins. Good luck and God bless.

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  10. This is probably one of the best articles I have read relating to the feelings I’m going through after being in a narcassistic relationship with my ex husband for 11 years. Recently he filed for a divorce because he ” wasn’t happy” after he bought me out of my share of the house I left in a December and by February he moved in another woman into the house. I’m really struggling with healing and moving on I do feel I’m going through PTSD from being in this relationship and seeing a therapist to process my feelings. I do feel different and almost numb sometimes from the emotional trauma I went through especially through the divorce and I didn’t even have children. I’m trying to build my self esteem back up after years of being put down and critized by him. I’m hoping time will heal.

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  11. Thank you for these very helpful information. I have learned so much. After 12yrs in hell. Now free from narc, but his new target is still stalking me after almost 3yrs. Every time she can’t find him. Unfortunately his does not help my moving forward with my life. I never want to leave my home. Working on trying to move, such a difficult process. Always on eggshells. Thank you again for bringing this to light, not feeding so alone in this.

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  12. Has anyone experienced that other “loved ones” enjoy using the trail he blazed to also mistreat you or at least take advantage of your inability to protect yourself?

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    • Charlie Siebert

      Yes, but in my case it started with my narcissist father who, after a fashion, have others permission to emotionally abuse. Once set up as the scapegoat, others jump on the bandwagon. I linen it to grooming as experienced by victims of sexual abuse. You are trained to tolerate abuse from others, and abusive people can see you coming from a mile away by the way you’re permanently bent over backwards, trained to please and appease. I feel for you. That is my life story

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  13. It’s been years since I divorced the bad guy. I’m able to keep the guy or if my life mostly. But I no longer desire a relationship at all. I want to be normal. How do i get back ?

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  14. Thanks so much for writing this.
    It actually describes the way my Mum treats my Dad & has done for maybe 40 years – he’s just been too loyal to leave & it’s ruined his life. He’s been struggling with alcoholism for years & she wouldn’t let him get counselling for her own reasons. Then she called the police & accused him of domestic abuse when he hadn’t done anything. He still had to go through the trauma of staying overnight at a police station & a court hearing – it’s so wrong…
    It’s just appalling that people do this to each other. If you’re in a situation like this, get out!

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  15. I’ve never met a true narcissist until the guy I’ve been stuck living narcasist w for last ten yrs.typically I communicate and it’s a blank slate or ragefiul blame on me for his physical and/or emotional abuse behavior, the extreme denial is unbelievable. The manipulating of arguments the control he feels good about controlling me, he complains I talk about reality to the one friend I have and my therapist. I’m financially dependant on him. He actual says and wholehearyedly believes he knows more than everyone else he says he better than others. He will constantly insist he all knowing and perfect Never made a mistake. It’s what he is a narcissist. It’s damaged me I’m stuck living here but taking my power back from someone I’ll never fix or truly connect with.its hard when ur a caring person my instinct told me to help himand to get thru to him. I can’t fix a sick person that will not think of themselves as having a problem cuz they’re perfect in their mind. Just trying to heal from the damage I’m n3ver felt numb like this as an abused child my fight or flight is finely tuned.triggering unhealthybehavioral patterns.
    Adapting my behavior to not give him control I have to see him as a very sick human animal and disengage he’s never going to have honest moment or normal human responses. Never

    Liked by 3 people

    • Linda Castellani

      Lee – congratulations on arriving at the awareness of what he was, and your decision to disengage. It’s not easy, especially when you are financially dependent, but you are moving in the right direction. Hang in there.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I live it too,, same, it can drive one mad and scars our soul, sending you hugs,I am praying alot, and working so hard to try and be free of abuse, I do not know, if I will live to see it, but I will die trying….to be independent, and not abused,

      Like

    • My husband of 12 years is exactly like that. He flunked kindergarten (for real) and was held back once more so he did not graduate high school before he was 20. I am an certified electronics technician and yesterday he swatted my hands away from the item I was testing, claiming he knows better than me what to do. He has no clue what a capacitor or diode does or what they are used for but by golly, he knows it all. Fixing him is not your responsibility, taking care of yourself is.

      Bless you for taking time to write and share and I wish you all the best on your freedom journey!!

      Liked by 2 people

  16. OMG !!! Every single word in this article is exactly what has happened to me in every relationship I’ve ever had ! It started with an abusive childhood and never went away. I haven’t heard from my last narcissistic for 5 months, but I’m constantly feeling his control every second of my days. I just want the thoughts and feelings to STOP, so that I can feel normal!
    This is absolute torture!!

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  17. I can’t get away from the abuse no matter what I do! Mine is a sibling that just won’t leave me alone. To make things worse she attempts to hurt me but in reality is hurting our elderly Mother. Mom’s Civil Rights have been taken away but no matter who I report this to, they won’t do anything about it or even see if it’s really happening.
    As we age her abuse increases, how do I stop her?

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  18. I have been a victim of narcissistic abuse from my grandmother. I’m 54 years old and have been horribly abused by her all my life. She had complete access to inflict her cruelty because she managed to get me and my brother as babies to wind up being raised by her, our grandfather and their daughter, our aunt. Our Aunt was the one who took on a mothers roll in our lives. She took care of us. All the things that mothers do, feeding babies, cleaning, changing, nurturing, etc. It was always said that me and my brother were both very sickly babies, him being more sickly than me and our Aunt nursed us both to health. I am the oldest, we were only a year apart. My brother passed on at an early age in 2005. He was only 41, I at the time was 42. I was devastated. His sudden death was concluded by the autopsy I had done as natural causes due to complications from diabetes mellitus and chronic hypertension. There’s much more to the tragedy of my brothers death but back to the narcissistic abuse from my grandmother. I knew something was wrong from an early age because of things she would say to us as small children that I knew as a child were not things you say to children. It didn’t seem truthful or convincing to me the story she kept on telling about how they got us along with trying to make us feel as though we owed them something. Why say these things to your grandchildren and insist on telling us nobody wanted us and if not for them we might be dead. Horrible!! I thought as early as the age of 7 or younger those things she said disturbed me, were shocking, hurtful and didn’t sit right with me. It was always said that I was a very smart child, even as a baby, so this is probably why I was able to realize her words and actions were wrong. I even told my brother and brought it to his attention that we can’t believe what she’s saying, we were babies and we have no proof. Also, we don’t owe anybody anything. We didn’t ask them to take us, we had no say in the matter, we don’t know how they really got us and why say these things. If they wanted to take care of us it should be because they loved us and we don’t owe them anything. OWE!! Owe what? It didn’t sound right to me and something felt wrong about her saying these things to her young grandchildren, mind you, she was the only one that told the story and said those things. Little did I know that was the showing of narcissistic abuse. The callous cruelty my grandmother continued to inflict on me is so evil and despicable that it would absolutely shock and be unimaginable to people how someone could even have a mind to do such things. My story needs to be told!!! I found out by searching the internet last night the answer to why she was the person she was for so many years. It hurt me to no end as to why my grandmother or any person could be so CRUEL and do the evil things she did and did whatever it took to make sure she accomplished her goal to hurt me and want to destroy me. I had the instinct to Google( abuse by a grandmother for years)and I’m all these years I finally found the answer. I have been a victim of a narssisst!! MY grandmother had a narcissistic personality. Everything I went on the read was exactly what I experienced all these years and described my grandmother totally. She had a personality/mental disorder and I was her prey, target, victim. It also came to mind that family members knew something was wrong with her but covered it up. There’s no way they didn’t know. They didn’t know what her behavior was actually called but she was always a deviant. In fact as the Information stated these type of people get worse as they get older and she did. She never stopped abusing me up to the end of her life. She passed away August 6, 2016. She was 90 yrs old. She had done so much damage that it is still lingering since she’s gone and of course I am stIll the victim of it all. She did whatever it took to hurt me. The other thing that is painful and hurtful is that the people who knew something was wrong with her never told me, no one intervened. I could have been killed! I say me because I was her target not my brother. I learned that narssissit are dangerous. MY grandmother did cause life threatening situations for me and always had a careless attitude. No matter how much or who I expressed some of the horrible things my grandmother did to me, no one seemed to understand the severity of what I was going through. No one to guide me as to what to do to save myself from her wrath. The answer I learned from reading about a narcissistic person was to get away from them. Eliminate all contact with them. No communication with them at all. If I had known this or if someone had realized, understood the pain I was in and recognized what I was going through was abuse by my grandmother and wasn’t normal, it would’ve made a big difference in my life and saved my life from the torture I suffered. I even had some counselling/therapy twice, both times were for short periods. One was after college, in my early twenties, it ended after maybe 2 months which was the length of the program. I was starting to feel better and getting stronger from the torture of my grandmother at that time and was heartbroken and cried at my last session. That was in the 80’s. The therapist was doing their internship, she did say at one point to get away from my grandmother. I was in the process of trying to do just that, trying to save money from work to move out but having to deal with her cruelty in the process. I had to find ways to stay out of the house as much as possible to avoid her. Some were not the best places to be but it was better than being around her. I wouldn’t have had as many struggles and bad situations in my life had it not been for my grandmother. That therapist said get away but didn’t give me the Information about what I was going through meant, the danger I was in or how dangerous my grandmother could ultimately become. The second time was after my brother passed and after she had viciously attacked me in the car while I was driving. I was 42 and she was 79. Even when I told people about that traumatic assault, I didn’t get the support I needed. At the time the people I thought were in my corner, she also had access to. I left her alone for a year or more. The whole story is so terrible, it would absolutely shock anyone. I need to write a book and share my story with the world. I wound up going to therapy about 2 years after that and again it was a short period of time. I was trying to get healing and answers as to how to move forward. Again I talked about my grandmother and some of the things she had done to me. I didn’t get to the attack before I was unable to continue. Not being able to continue happened all of a sudden because my medical coverage changed but again with the things I had talked about the therapist didn’t specify any major dangerous effects of dealing with my grandmother. He at one point said, “She’s a busy body, a trouble maker and controlling. Now, how is one to think that contact with this person at her age would become extremely much more dangerous than in the past. I was conflicted about what to do concerning my grandmother. Even though I was still hurting, I wanted to do the right thing. She was about 81 or 82 at this time and my son was staying with her. I prayed and prayed for GOD to heal me from all the hurt and anger over the years I suffered from my grandmother abusing me so I could open my heart once again to be there for her. Had I known the Information I know now, I had been victim of a person with narssisstic personality disorder who was dangerous, would never stop, targeted me on purpose to abuse and would get worse over time, I would have had the answer to stay away or be reconnected to her, let the past go, start fresh and have a loving relationship before one of us passed away and it was to late. I know I need professional counselling/therapy. This is also what I learned from reading about this long term abuse from someone with this mental illness. The effects it made on my life are massive and yes, everything that was listed, I have. They said it will take time, a lot of time in the healing process. She did a great deal of harm to me. I’m glad I got clarity finally and the exact reasons for horrible abuse I continuously suffered for years. Finding out all this information answered all the questions I had about what I had gone through all my life with my grandmother and why. Everything I read was the story of my life with her. I need help so badly! I prayed that GOD will open doors, get me through this and I will eventually be healed and better to enjoy the rest of my life with joy and happiness. So many ruthless, evil, abusive and traumatic acts against me from my grandmother. You won’t believe how wicked they were. I’m suffering so much and in constant pain from it all on top of more abusive and horrible things I discovered she was still doing to me after she passed. She was so diabolical in abusing and mistreating me that she covered her tracks by making people think she was a wonderful, sweet, loving and caring person that they don’t believe me and don’t want to hear the truth or anything that I have to say about what she did to me. Can you imagine no one other than my friend from high school who has stuck by me since she passed and knew I was telling the truth from the beginning. I’m going through so much emotionally, mentally and physically.I can’t seem to get startedon tracks. She is the cause of all I’ve suffered and am stIll suffering from. She’s responsible for the problems and separation between me and my son. She manipulated his mind against me behind my back while I was worrying about them, taking care of whatever they needed and at their beck and call for years. After I thought I was ready to look out for her and so love once again, I devoted my life to them and was still being tortured and mistreated in the process but I stIll pressed on, not knowing she was still doing things to hurt me behind my back. It’s an amazing story and needs to be told.

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  19. thanks for this article. he destroyed me. broked with him the last new year’s eve as I realised (too late) I was sick. now that I am writing my heart beats so fast, it is like that since months, along with depression, low self estime, insomnia, nigthmers, severe dissociation, unhappiness. all alone.

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  20. Omg , myself and my 7 yo son are 2 weeks free from the most mind bending year of our life’s . She was at first the most amazing lady I’d ever met . We fell madly in love that feeling lasted a few months then then as I have researched she followed the exact path to my total destruction . The discarding fase was the lowest and most mentally devistating act ever .. She got me arrested and charged took avos against me then court day turned up and said she was scared and didn’t want me and my son back at the house . So she got just that. we were kicked out and homeless . I can’t believe that such an amazing lady was capable of causing such destruction of mind body and sole . And the heartless act on a child ever . We are both struggling each day and it’s so disturbing seeing my sons emotional and mental reaction to this mess . It’s so sad . Thanks Glen .

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  21. I became the target of a narcissist because I was a vulnerable single parent nursing my terminally ill son. When my son died the torture got worse I had 4 other children but could barely take care of myself anymore so one night I packed a few bags and fled with my children, we left my 4 bed house to live in one room hostel for 6 months.. It was the best thing I ever did I got some counselling was diagnosed with PTSD 4 years later I still can’t date or emotionally engage properly I try to keep busy but often just go through the motions.. I just hope by educating myself and my 4 girls about the abuse we have all lived through they don’t fall into the same trap. I used to be outgoing fun loving happy go lucky now I fear I will never trust again I feel so much shame and humiliation.. Burying my only son was a living hell but fleeing a narcissist nearly killed me I still look over my shoulder when I go out I used to love music now it reminds me and causes terrifying flashbacks of the beatings and torture I endured yet he walks free to find his next victim

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I experience all of these symtoms. I have been NC with the Narc since July 2016 (altough he tried to make contact serveral times I did not reply nor did I read the messages, I have also blocked him now) and I am feeling better but I am far from healed. It is just hard to deal with something like that- that somebody who was meant to protect you from harm did purposely cause you harm…

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  23. I suspect my adulthood chronic illness CFS and Fibro is related to moving SIX times in TEN years, do the math and it’s about a year and half of new surroundings during a period of important brain growth. Six new houses, new schools, new friends, new bullies….my mother was self involved thinking about how to better her life after having a shitty upbringing. I’ve always had trouble sleeping and that’s sometimes a red flag for issues in the parenting department.

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  24. Thank you.

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  25. Laurrie Hajicek

    I want to thank you for publishing this information. Everyone would tell me I was alright but now everyone is gone. The solitude is hopeless except for this. I will try to use the last energy I have to get free of the person I’m with. 25 years has left me very ill. Thank you again. L

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  26. I just want to thank those that are getting the word out there! I am 26 years old raised by a narcissist. Becoming a teenage mother myself, I realized my mother never loved me. Unable to understand why I acted out and shut down causing her to gain custody of my daughter. I am now trying to regain control of my life without any support whatsoever since she has completely destroyed my credibility in making all my family members think im a crackhead …….but it feels better to know I’m not crazy. No one understands this unless they’ve gone thru it.

    – If you don’t think that having a crazy person constantly blaming you for being “crazy” will make you crazy, I’d like to introduce you to a narcissist that will convince you otherwise.

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  27. Hello, I’m 37 I’m with one now I actually married him when I saw signs,but I just thought they would go away. My Narsissist husband is a preacher go figure, I married a crazypreacher that needs deliverance himself, yes I was so happy Lively and fun and bold I was the life of any party in a good way, until the devil came to my door step, 😱 he was so nice and sweet, but oh the tables turned,he said my own kids were lusting after me, and I was after them, he said my family were all witches and sourcers,that God said for me to send my kids away so that I can get to the promise land,said that I wouldn’t be happy unless I do what God told me to do, yes he is a master manipulator,he has a power to influence people I’ve seen it with my own eyes,yes he does this, but I’ve watched him watch movies with me and I knew I was married to a narsissist when I saw my husband respond to all the damsels in distress in the movies with laughter as if it was they fought that they got beat or hit on, I ask why are u so happy when a woman gets beat up, he says’She should’ve done this she should’ve done that OMG I was flabbergasted to the fullest!!!! Then I realised I hear him talk about how mean hisom and sever sister were to him growing up, and at that moment I realised,if I stay any longer I’m doomed, well I stayed and I’ve gotten no where, people say I’m not the same, I found myself defending his actions I wouldn’t look bad but it don’t work. If I leave he say I’m screwing every I’m around I’m like Im not doing anything,im just being a woman, I’ve gained 80 pounds, my hair fell out, I’m always nervous Im In pain alot, my head hurts my thoughts race I do t remember certain words it’s bad, I have no energy I don’t even know how to make friends anymore, I think everyones talking about me like he does when I know in my heart they’re not. I know it’s the narsissist in my life draining my very soul out of me, I use to hug people he say I can’t hug people because demons may jump on me, In all fairness to that one a spiritual person would beg to differ on that statement,but yeah. Any relationship I build with anyone he says it’s not good, it’s him or no one.He says it’s my kids or my future, the first time I chose him this time I. Choosing me and my 2 kids, this is toxic and sickening,my kids have lived with my family for 3 yrs the amount of time I been married to the man, I got them back 2 days ago, and I left that Psycho 2days ago, he will not taint my babies lime he done me. Just thought I’d leave a little bit of my life with u all, now I have to make an appointment to see a shrink to fix this mess this Demon left me with😔😠😷.

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  28. I got out too. Still struggling 2 years later. Every single thing on here is me magnified

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  29. My youngest sister, with whom I was very close–for years, fits the Narcissistic Abuser description perfectly. I noted the time she morphed into this hateful, cruel & self-centered being was when her fiancé said he wouldn’t marry her unless she completely stopped drinking alcohol–quite the alcoholic she was. Since that day, she has become mean to the point where I, the target, have been banned from all family gatherings, as she has convinced them of my so-called “craziness” and “instability” and MY “self-centered behavior.”
    The family has bought into her manipulating techniques and I know she presents herself extremely differently to them–as if she’s the victim in this awful scenario.
    I am exhausted, lonely, have trouble sleeping and my eating disorder (restricting) is worsening day by day.
    My trusted psychiatrist supports me in declaring that I am perfectly sane. My relationship with my psychiatrist has existed for over ten years–I trust and believe her. In fact, her conclusions as to the reality of my sister’s behavior feel so right-on! To top it off, my doctor makes my roar with laughter as she pulls no punches in her analysis. Thank goodness for this sharp, sane woman.
    I don’t know where I’m headed right now, but it is a relief to know I’m not alone.

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  30. Nobody Important

    I’ve been told (prior to getting married in 2005) that I have excellent communication skills. Now, I think I have gone absolutely senseless. I cannot talk right, cannot dress right, cannot pay bills right, cannot pet the dogs right. I cannot even have my car replaced that my husband took and stood over me until I signed it over to him so he could but a car we could not really afford. But, I am expected to make the payments out of my disability check, and I am not allowed to drive the car, I don’t even have access to the keys. Being in a wheelchair it is important that I can load my power-chair into any car I drive, hubby did not even measure to see if the van door opened wide enough to accommodate the loading ramp, it does not so if I want to go anywhere it has to be on HIS time. It does not matter if I have an appointment scheduled, if he does not want to take me, I cannot go. I asked him to deliver the reasonable accommodation request to an apartment we no longer live in so public transit could pick me up as I needed to be able to use the sloped, no curb sidewalk where people just parked not considering others who do need that clearly marked no parking zone for mobility issues. He did not bother to deliver it and after calling transit and not being able to get off the sidewalk more than once, I lost my riding privileges. I am bedridden and need help with some personal care, he will only help me when/if he feels like it and refuses to allow me to hire someone to help me a few (3-4) hours a week for personal help and to clean my room. I have already adapted to eating one meal a day and sometimes that is too much. I keep chips and cookies and other junk food nearby so that is now a meal for me most days. I know things around here have gotten way out of control and it would be best to leave, but that doesn’t apply to me because of my health limitations as I refuse to live in a nursing home. First off because of my age and secondly because with a bit of help, my needs are easy to satisfy and I don’t need round-the-clock care and I am not going to rush that issue. The only person I am to stupid to have any worth to is my husband. It is sad when a perfectly capable individual is put down so much that they become someone who they are not or do not recognize. I was recently diagnosed with Leukemia and a, abdominal aortic aneurysm (5.4cm–surgery is at t5.5cm) and am considering not getting any treatment and let the chips fall where they may.

    I think he falls into the narcissistic category but of course he says that it is all me. Perhaps we are just like a teaspoon of salt in your morning coffee and there is nothing else going on. I just know that I no longer know…anything.

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  31. Hello my name is Dorothy, I have read all the blogs on this subject and have come to the conclusion I have lived for 13 yrs with a narcissist. He walked out on me a few months after the death of my daughter without any remorse. Also left me in a lot of debt. This is the 3rd relationship he has done this to. I have since discovered he left his wife in similar circumstances. He has been going out unknown to me for a year before he left. Making me feel it’s all my fault he started quite early on to put me down and try to make me feel worthless. And I was incapable of doing anything for myself and I was apologetic for anything I have done not knowing I had done anything wrong at all I just gave in for peace or he would go out in inthe huff not speaking tilll I s apologist he seems to be able to walk away from anyone that has no use to him anymore. I could go on forever but I have just tipped the beginning of this. And I still feel destroyed by everything that has happened. Can you advice me please thank you

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  32. Hey guys. My mom is a narcissistic sociopath. I’m 18 and I still live at home with my younger brother. Life is really hard with her and it’s even harder because I’m also homeschooled and when your narcissistic mother is your teacher, it makes all aspects of life suck. In recent years she has been acting like the victim more than ever and makes me feel bad for her. I have been trying to stand up for myself but it doesn’t really work and I just want something I can do that is healthier than just not being honest with her about anything.

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  33. I have to read this once in a while to remind myself that the things that my mom says about me aren’t true (she is a narcissistic sociopath) I always doubt myself and go into depression and think that maybe I’m making stuff up but when I read this I’m like “no, all these things are true so I’m not crazy and she is not the victim here.

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  34. Married to a sociopath 15 yrs. his mom is a narcissist. My son, hard as I tried to save him, is now a narcissist. My daughter has borderline personality disorder. Talk about crazy making! I’m now free for 15 yrs, but never really free. Just trying to go on but finding it hard to trust anyone at all. I still get triggered here and there. I don’t date, I’m often still numb and so so sad. I gave them the best years of my life. Many years of therapy-some didn’t have a clue what I was talking about. Found 1 good therapist but she betrayed my trust after 5 yrs so now I read, and read and read.

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  35. For many years I tried to understand what happened to me, alone, helpless… I live in Brazil and noone here knows what it is all about. I had to research myself for an answer and I found many things in English. Until now noone believes me. Not even psychologists understand what they call a “drama” I should overcome, and that’s all for them, as well as for my family. I am alone with something unknown so far, but I am sure, one day it will be broadcasted and victims like me will no longer be underestimated.

    Liked by 1 person

  36. i cried happy you guy got out

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  37. I ca barel rember my name I am greatful n gtte to the pint tat i can type If ter is d out there please i can not remeberi have no i cabt hink i am fight=ing like hel i am not on drugs i was alone for severa years tied up beaten urt i cant wak jus plea dr tell me how help please i saurvived

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  38. I am going through this now. It’s all a horrible horrible feeling. I can’t get comfortable. I feel fear. Tho I never felt like my ex would physically harm me. I still have this fear inside and anxiety. Feelings over overwhelmed. I want it to go away. I want all this away. I want to feel normal again. I want to forget all the things he said and did. I will not let him ruin my future. I want to heal.

    Liked by 1 person

  39. Im haveing or should i say i was haveing a hard time letting go of my toxic boyfriend of whom i just learned is a narcissist. For the past 5yrs iv been fighting, and defending myself, trying to make this man who sayes he loves me see that im not the lieing, cheating person he thinks i am. He has not made me think im crazy, but accuses me of trying to make him think hes crazy. My god he has said hes heard men in the background of phone calls. I had a hard time hanging up after a phone call so he would never hang up instead sit and lusten. Hes said hes heard me having sex, asking if some guy wanted to have sex, he sat one time for an HOUR, i was at home, alone, getting ready to go to his house, and he told me he heard me talking to a man. This past year is the worst its ever been. I finally realized its not me and i cant fix him it was time for me to go. It hurts badly cuz i do love him, but i love me too.

    Liked by 1 person

  40. I’ve been dealing with a narcissistic mother in law for 10 long years. She’s an absolute nightmare. I know hate is a strong word but I genuinely hate the woman. She’s constantly talking too loud, lying for no reason other than pure manipulation, and making insults about everyone behind their backs (including her own parents, siblings, and children). No one is off limits. If she’s ever seen you, heard of you, or smelled your perfume in the air she’s said something bad about you behind your back. Her favorite thing to do is to try and convince you that she didn’t say something you clearly heard her say. Or she’ll not say anything at all and then try and convince you that she did. 99.9% of the things that she says are well calculated lies. She literally says something negative about EVERYONE when they leave the room…and when they come back she switches back to being their friend quicker than you can flip a light switch. I feel like I’m the only one aware that she’s a complete psychopath, although I frequently hear people say that she’s selfish. And she’s even commented about people saying it in her usual, fake “I’m so innocent” voice. I think people are scared of her because when she’s insulted/mad she acts like a two year old child throwing a damn temper tantrum, insanely belligerent like a drunk. I’m sure that’s why she can’t hold down a solid romantic relationship. After years of dealing with her, I’ve started documenting her behavior. She never keeps friends long and is always bragging about how she’s “just using” certain people for the time being. The only time she contacts me is to ask about my husband or be nosy about things he doesn’t tell her on purpose. “FYI, anything you tell her or she does for you will be used against you later,” he says. He suggested that I lie to her like he does and that’s what I do. She acts as if the world revolves around her, never taking anyone else’s feelings, time, or personal space into consideration. In other words, she’s the devil himself. She lacks emotion, and stares at people like a night hawk, barely blinking. The only thing she does is this weird, obviously fake laugh. It sounds like a car that won’t start.

    I’m completely sick of trying to keep the peace with that negative, inmature woman.

    I dont know what to do.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Holy shit that sounds like my mom. I have had my suspicions that my mom was a narcissistic sociopath and had it confirmed by my counsoler later. It sucks and I completely agree with everything said on the posts and the comments are accurate af. I’m 18 and have wondered wtf was wrong with me for a long time when I figured out that it was abuse. I am hoping to move out as soon as possible but I have borderline personality disorder (maybe c-ptsd too?) and I’m hoping I don’t doubt myself so much that I stop trying to go against her.

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  41. I never even knew this was a thing. I’ve been married just shy of 3 months and I’m in hell. Every sign stated here is what I face. I love my husband, despite his downfalls but I’ve come to realize that it’s impossible to try to save anything using reasonable methods like talking or reasoning. What I want to understand is this: is it possible to treat this? I live in a small town and if nothing else would like to seek therapy for myself to try to start rebuilding myself, though those therapists are few and far between here. But it devastates me to just “give up” on him.

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    • you cant change people .I felt like I was dying inside when I left my relationship,i crawled into a fetal position and cried all day to my mother and she held me.My stomach hurt from emotional loss of my true love,but I swore to myself that I was never going to be unhappy again!! It will be the hardest thing you ever do!!!! Ever!!! I recommend having family,close friend or therapist on stand by when you decide to leave.You will need a lot of support and coaching.Reading about narcissists helped me more than anything! Knowledge gave me power!!! Good luck.

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  42. 6 out of 6 for me during my 29 + years working with PhD chemists at EMN (ECC) in Kingsport Tennessee. Verbal, mental, physical abuse was there on and on while I worked with certain people. And here they are, just to name the most guilty over my 29 + years: Mike Edwards, Cathy Dorco, Mike Palmer, Leroy Gott, Tom Smith, Chris Killian, Peter Mackenzie, Tim Dawsey, Clay Pearson, David Kashdan, Dr. Hebba (Medical Dr. from unknown college & unknown degree), Dan Bolton, Nancy Kinkade; Mark Stewart, Ron Sheppard, Shawn Daughter, and a few other current and former backstabbing lying Eastman Chemical Company in Kingsport Tennessee leadership employees. Karma is a patient pursuit of pleasure.

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  43. To all those who have made comments here and to those who will read this page in the future, my heart goes out to you. My expertise on the subject has been developed not only as a clinician but on a personal level. I was in love with a narcissist and have a young son with her. I hope I am not breaking any rules for this blog by making you aware of my article on the subject here http://www.bournemouthhypnotherapy.co.uk/narcissistic-abuse/ Given some of the comments above I feel it may be of use and comfort. My love and blessings to you all and especially Ana for raising awareness of this subject.

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  44. Does anyone know a good therapist in plano texas that can help victims of this type Abuse as well as unresolved childhood trauma? Please send any suggestions or any help to my e mail address pugomabalach@aol.com

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  45. I was a happy confident lady when this NARC walked into my life two years ago . I had moved by myself to Spain and really loved the life …then in walked the narc …he told me he had major trust issues ( I should have run then ) one by one all my friend’s and family were alienated it didn’t even matter if they lived in another country , there could only be him only he loved me … I’ve been beaten ..stolen from ..made to lie to people I love and I had horrible thoughts because he was never going to leave me …I knew finally it was me or him ..I took out a restraining order within 20 mins he had broken it and I fell once again ( he is fluent in Spanish I’m not ) finally a friend was at my house and saw him abusing me and called the police …he is locked in prison until we go to trial on the 25th April in Malaga … I’m so frightened I can’t afford legal help and he knows how to play the Spanish system …I have nightmares every night ..what if they let him go ?…

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  46. Shawn LaGrandeur

    I have been in treatment for 2 years and this week we came up with narcissistic abuse . My dad my mom and my brother all abused me in this way . Reading this confirms it all , I always thought I was crazy and once you start to let them make you doubt who you are they got you . I have PTSD and this abuse lead to a life of crime and violence. I scared myself with my temper . I see how I’ve been manipulated now and have distanced myself from these people . I experienced everything in this article and then some , I completely fell apart in November couldn’t figure out what it was but it all came down to the abuse , I always felt it and would say things as a kid and get in a lot of trouble. I was thrown out over and over as a kid knowing this is real and your not making this up and getting the help to heal and get past it is where I’m at now

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  47. 11 years with narc ex. maybe you get over this awful experience in dog years. every symptom spot on. i grew up with him and it was like he was all i knew. my everything as soon as i gave birth the monster was unleashed.
    After 4 years my daughter and i have one no contact for the second time, i pray for the women that get roped in as easily as i have been .
    GET RID OF THEM OFF SOCIAL MEDIA AND ALL OF THEIR MINIONS!!!!!!
    the mornings are the worse, i chain smoke with the anxiety. however am only 29 and my daughter is young enough not to be too impacted IF i manage to stay away from the Hoovering!!!! each time it gets easier.
    recently he has been hospitalized, knocked teeth out broke femur. lapping up the attention from the adoring fans! KARMA does come its slow
    i didnt even realise i had been re-hoovered by this complete wally!
    iscolation eventaully becomes solitude depression becomes deep- rest, meditation, nature, breathing, sage, crystals, serotonin, smiling, cuddling children and pets
    ❤ so much love to all who have been suffering this awful infection taking over the planet. keep the faith and the grace earth angels.. Grace ❤

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  48. I am.currently experiencing a lot of numbness of feelings , i kmow I stsrted shutting my feelings off while with him to protect myself from his psychogical abuse, now im trying to feel again.

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