Signs That You’ve Been Abused by a Narcissist


Self-Doubt

1. YOU DOUBT YOURSELF

Do you recognize that you’re doubting yourself more than you ever have before?

Victims of narcissistic abuse often appear uncertain of themselves, constantly seeking clarification that they haven’t made a mistake or misheard something.

This reactive adaptation to narcissistic abuse is because the narcissist is ALWAYS finger pointing and shifting blame to YOU for ALL of the ups & downs both in the relationship AND in the narcissist’s personal psyche.
Because this relationship has NON EXISTENT boundaries, you will find YOURSELF constantly PUT UPON and FORCED to accept responsibility for things you didn’t do or say. This borrowed humiliation and shame is exactly what the narcissist intends for the victim to take from the narcissist. Their own unfelt core of shame.

2. CONFUSION

confusion

Just refer to the above explanation of self doubt and boundary transgression if you want to understand the CONFUSION that is part and parcel of narcissistic abuse.

Daily boundary transgression and criss crossing of responsibility starts to wear on even the clearest minded of targets.
Suddenly you wake up and realize that all the realities and borders between yourself and others is not only BLURRED but MISSING.

It’s confusing to KNOW that you aren’t responsible for someone else’s behavior, thinking and feeling but to be CONSTANTLY SCOLDED for behaving, thinking and feeling as if you ARE.

It’s crazy-making and a narcissist purposefully causes this confusion. They know that a divided and conquered mind is their most vulnerable and susceptible target who won’t be able to identify that their confusion is caused by an abusive technique called ‘gaslighting’.

Gaslighting is a technique of psychological abuse used by narcissists to instill confusion and anxiety in their target to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment.  With gas lighting, the target initially notices that something happens that is odd, but they don’t believe it.  The target attempts to fight the manipulation, but are confused further by being called names or told that they’re: ‘Just Too sensitive’, ‘Crazy’, ‘Imagining things’ or the narcissist  flat out DENIES ever saying anything hurtful. Gradually, the target learns not to trust their own perceptions and begins doubting themselves.  Broken and unable to trust themselves, they isolate further. The target now doubts everything about themselves: their thoughts and opinions, their ideas and ideals. They become dependent on the narcissist for their reality.

For it is in your CONFUSION and acceptance of responsibility that belongs to the narcissist, that a narcissist is able to successfully CONTROL YOU and USE YOU as a scapegoat for their problems.

3. FEELING CRAZY


Every minute of every hour of every day of every year, a Narcissist, who has a DSM classifiable personality DISORDER (ie: not playing with a full deck) is PROJECTING their disorder onto those around them. If you don’t think that having a crazy person constantly blaming you for being “crazy” will make you crazy, I’d like to introduce you to a narcissist that will convince you otherwise.

This disorder isn’t a relationship gone wrong. This disorder isn’t kid stuff. It’s MALEVOLENT. It’s a transference of malevolence and MENTAL DISORDER from the person who has it to the person who DOESN’T.LOVE QUOTES (39)

Frankly, before a narcissist, I’ve not once in my life, FELT CRAZY. Neither have I ever been told by a psychologist and I’ve seen lots of them – that I had anything WRONG with MY own MENTAL HEALTH. Personally, I always had it “together”. I was resilient, mentally tough, and withstood many events in my life that would make others crumble.

Yet, when I unwittingly dated someone with this serious mental health malady, I wanted to slam an entire set of broken porcelain down his throat sideways and every obtuse moron that believes the garbage that comes out of his mouth. No, it’s not that I suddenly became a person interested in physical violence, I suddenly became a person who was witnessing a DSM category all wrapped up into a physical being – who turned his mental health problems ON Me. I became a target of a person with a problem. They say, “Hurt people, HURT people”. I say, “Narcissistic People DESTROY PEOPLE”.

4. EMERGING CLUSTER OF SYMPTOMS THAT HAVE NO OTHER EXPLANATION

1inexplicable

All I could muster to the narcissist in my dear john letter when I broke up with him that wonderful New Year’s Eve, was “I DONT KNOW what’s WRONG!! But I just don’t feel like myself. Something feels EXTREMELY TOXIC and I don’t know why”…..This should be the alert when a victim of narcissistic abuse presents themselves to therapists. The inexplicable “complaint”.

My first visit to my therapist were those words exactly. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but It’s SERIOUS!” I felt it. I did – I felt BEWILDERED inside, but I could not articulate what it was. (another red flag for someone usually able to articulate every feeling and explanation about myself in-depth).How was it that after 43 years of explaining, analyzing and discussing my own deficiencies quite well, I could NOT for the life of me explain to my therapist what was so “wrong” with me that it was palpable. His answer, set me free, it really did. 

“YOU HAVE BEEN IN A DOMESTICALLY VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP WITH A NARCISSIST “

My therapist had some background with this person. He’d WITNESSED the narcissist calling me, berating me during sessions. I held the phone away during one session, so that my therapist could hear the narcissist on the other end questioning me about cheating, “Accusing me of having an affair with the therapist”.  Grilling me about what the therapist looked like and would speak to me like. He even accused the therapist of wanting me sexually and that was the reason the therapist spoke so lowly of the narcissist. (of course it couldn’t just be that the narcissist had a bad reputation and the community was on to him)

Sufferers report that their spark has gone out and, even years later, find they just cannot get motivated about anything.

Unaware that we’ve been living in a war zone with a tyrannical narcissist, we can’t quite grasp the words to articulate the abuse, yet at the same time, we VERY MUCH FEEL IT. We present ourselves to the mental health community, incapable of speaking about an abuse we yet know nothing about. Until that word, “NARCISSISTIC ABUSE” is given to us, we have NO IDEA that is what’s causing our pain. That’s why it’s SO IMPORTANT to get the word out there, what narcissists look like, their modus operandi, the words and phrases they use, so that when a victim of their abuse begins looking for answers, they quickly will be able to identify that they are involved with a narcissist.

In Narcissistic Victim Syndrome you are looking for a cluster of symptoms to emerge many are the symptoms of trauma (avoidance, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties and nightmares, irritability, hyper-vigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, psychosomatic illnesses, self-harming, thoughts of suicide etc).Some victims develop Stockholm Syndrome and want to support, defend, and love the abuser despite what they have gone through.

5. DISSOCIATION

Victims tend to ‘dissociate’ or detach from their emotions, body, or surroundings. Living in a war zone where all forms of power and control are used against you (intimidation; emotional, physical and mental abuse; isolation, economic abuse, sexual abuse, coercion, control etc), the threat of abuse is always present. Dissociation is an automatic coping mechanism against overwhelming stress.

dissociation 3

Symptoms of dissociation resulting from trauma may include depersonalization, (disconnecting your body awareness from your physical self) psychological numbing, disengaged from life and passions, or amnesia regarding the events of the abuse.

It has been hypothesized that dissociation may provide a temporarily effective defense mechanism in cases of severe trauma; however, in the long-term, dissociation is associated with decreased psychological functioning and adjustment.

Other symptoms sometimes found along with dissociation in victims of traumatic abuse (often referred to as “sequelae to abuse”) include anxiety, PTSD, low self-esteem, somatization, depression, chronic pain, interpersonal dysfunction, substance abuse, self-mutilation and suicidal ideation or actions. These symptoms may lead the victim to erroneously present the symptoms as the source of the problem.

6. PTSD

Let’s face it. If I didn’t mention PTSD, or Complex PTSD, I would NOT be doing the topic of narcissistic abuse syndrome ANY justice.

Ptsd, in layman’s terms? From a fellow sufferer? A Cerebral anxiety attack that makes your whole body come alive with PALPABLE FEAR. The rapid heart beat, the intrusive and spinning thoughts and fears – just like the abuse is CURRENTLY HAPPENING SEQUENTIALLY ALL OVER AGAIN. This is called RE-LIVING.  It’s as if the traumatic abuse event is occurring in the present tense. All the emotions of fear, shame, shrinking, wincing, looking over your shoulder & walking on eggshells waiting to be attacked ruthlessly AGAIN.     ptsd

Physical numbness –

(toes, fingertips, lips) is common, as is emotional numbness (especially inability to feel joy).

Avoidance –

of places, sounds, tastes, and songs that remind them of their abuser or the abuse. Intense feelings of anxiety even in anticipation of having to revisit the memories.

Memory Loss – Almost all targets report impaired memory. Partially due to conscious avoidance as well as from the damage done to the hippocampus, an area of the brain linked to learning and memory.

Need for solitude / tendency to isolate
We’re EXHAUSTED after narcissistic abuse. Feelings of withdrawal and isolation are common; we just want to be in our own head for a while, find our own answers; thus, solitude is sought.

Lack of Joy and Hope
Inability to feel joy (anhedonia) and deadening of loving feelings towards others are commonly reported. One fears never being able to feel love or trust again.

The target becomes very gloomy and senses a foreshortened future sometimes with justification. Many targets ultimately have severe psychiatric injury, severely impaired health and/or stress related illnesses.

Sleeplessness-
Melatonin became my new best friend after narcissistic abuse. The nightmares and night terrors can be overwhelming that good restorative sleep becomes impossible.  Napping became my new favorite passion.

Sleep becomes almost impossible, despite the constant fatigue; such sleep as is obtained tends to be unsatisfying, unrefreshing and non-restorative. On waking, the person often feels more tired than when they went to bed. Depressive feelings arrive very early in the morning, making falling back to sleep an impossibility.  Feelings of vulnerability and loneliness may be heightened overnight.

Anxiousness, Guilt & Disturbing thoughts – 

Targets have an extremely short fuse and are easily irritated. The person frequently experiences obsessive visions of violence happening to the narcissist  hoping for an accident for, or murdering the narcissist; the resultant feelings of guilt further limit progress in healing.

Fight or Flight Response – 

With your system on alert for ever-present danger in the environment it’s easy to react sensitively to sudden changes – causing the startle response.

Awareness of symptoms – 

It’s very harrowing to realize that you are different from you were before the narcissist; FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT. When you are very aware that PTSD has replaced the narcissist, it emotionally drains the target of any hope for being PERMANENTLY NARCISSISTIC FREE. We don’t want to be constantly reminded and aware of the person we escaped. We want to live freely, however symptoms, are a constant reminder that we DON’T.

Posted on December 1, 2013, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 1,030 Comments.

  1. For many years I tried to understand what happened to me, alone, helpless… I live in Brazil and noone here knows what it is all about. I had to research myself for an answer and I found many things in English. Until now noone believes me. Not even psychologists understand what they call a “drama” I should overcome, and that’s all for them, as well as for my family. I am alone with something unknown so far, but I am sure, one day it will be broadcasted and victims like me will no longer be underestimated.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are not alone…many of us understand you…you are not alone…

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    • aqui no Brasil os terapeutas não conhecem o narcisista maligno- graças a deus eu me vi livre deles e a minha mãe narcisista e borderline morreu.

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    • You are not alone, and shame on the psychologists for not researching into something they don’t understand. Show them this link and it will all come clear!! Explained it as psychological abuse, tormenting you, manipulating you. It hurts more deeply when those you love don’t support you. Cling to those who do, and if you can, reach out to others, create a support group, write a journal, write a book. Help educate your community about the dangers of these monsters! Or, simply heal yourself. You will get through it. I suffered 4 years of marriage of manipulation, then when I asked for a divorce, he revealed his true evil and even hurt my little girl and tried to blame me. He got his Karma! He lost everything, including parental rights.
      Take care of yourself. ❤️

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  2. i cried happy you guy got out

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  3. I ca barel rember my name I am greatful n gtte to the pint tat i can type If ter is d out there please i can not remeberi have no i cabt hink i am fight=ing like hel i am not on drugs i was alone for severa years tied up beaten urt i cant wak jus plea dr tell me how help please i saurvived

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    • I have been abused since birth..and later, with not many survival options..I ended up marrying a very abusive man. Mostly mental, but then I replaced him with same kind..again, tough spot in life, no roof, and no help from my cold, evil family, so now, after loosing me..and suffering each thing they do to us..too many times, for numbers, I am fighting hard against the evil that taught me..my life was not worth anything,,that I am not worth anything, but to use and mold, to tell me how I should think and how what I feel they just did or said to me..open. abuse..was a wrong feeling as it is never their fault..ever…evil spirits infected my life in this possessed home, real manifested demons have shown them-self..i speak only truth and have vast amounts of proof of all I say, that being said, i was born in a generational curse..completely unloved and treated like a pack mule or one to kick,, to control ,my very life essence in me..to say being me is wrong..being born was a mistake or me to be kicked..so..i now,, try to pray..and trying to change my ways completely..i am limiting the number or types of humans allowed near me..been used and hurt so bad..even almost kicked to death..evil, has kept me bound..with God, who I felt hated me as why my life has been HELL. and I AM VERY KIND, so evil..has attacked my loving spirit like ww3,,now, with God, I am rebuking it..my bulk of life is gone..but..these types make us feel it is over.. or will it start..make us fear..make us doubt who we are..our thoughts..and we need to heal us..so they cannot get close to us ever again…SELF HEAL..LOVE YOURSELF.NO MATTER WHAT..BE KIND AND GENTLE TO YOURSELF..AND KNOW..YOU WILL WIN,. YOU HAVE,,YOU TYPED IT ON HERE..YOU STILL HERE..GOD , LORD AND HOME ARE TRYING TO REACH YOUR DAMAGED SPIRIT AND THEY HAVE KEPT YOU HERE..TO HEAL AND WIN..I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY THOUGHTS..MY PRAYERS..AND..THERE ARE MANY OF US..BUT REMOVE ANY OF THESE SOUL TORTURE PEEPS..SOON AS THEY ENTER YOUR LIFE..AND THEN HEAL…MANY HUGS..MUCH LOVE. CELEBRATE YOURSELF..ONLY ONE OF YOU..XOXOXOX

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    • So sorry for your pain. I hope you are on your own and not depending on anybody for anything and I hope that every day you can try to see and feel what you want and I hope you get what you want and I hope it makes you happy and then you say a prayer to God thank you for this one small thing.

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    • Im so sorry for you pain , Please pray and i am praying for you too. have a beautiful day survivor. you are strong person ,you will overcome this , lord jesus , I pray that you will heal this person , show survivor that you are the healer and master of us , I pray that you send the holy spirit to live inside this survivor ,that survivor has accepted you as there personal savior, heal all the painful memories and physical trauma so survivor may walk again lord and feel the joy you bring inside a person. I want to thank you lord for answering all my prayers with a quickness and for the blessings you provide to me and my family . in the name of jesus , amen.

      have a beautiful day !!

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    • Can u call 911?

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  4. I am going through this now. It’s all a horrible horrible feeling. I can’t get comfortable. I feel fear. Tho I never felt like my ex would physically harm me. I still have this fear inside and anxiety. Feelings over overwhelmed. I want it to go away. I want all this away. I want to feel normal again. I want to forget all the things he said and did. I will not let him ruin my future. I want to heal.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I understand exactly what you’re saying. I hate going through this.

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    • Hello Maalru, my name is Linda. After reading what you were going through a couple of months ago I am just checking in with you to see how you are doing at this time.

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    • shirleyeugeieFrench

      Visit to Psychiatrist- partner portraying frightening display of narcisisstic abuse, but as always ‘in control ‘ complete denial, lies deceit and harmful abuse, none moreso than meddling with medication, also, with hearing aids and batteries, the former led me to Audiologist/A&E for removal of displaced dome. These details only a very small part of daily and some horrendous history

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    • Leave!!!! It can be done! Don’t waste any more of your precious life. I feel so much happiness now. Wasted too much time. Don’t try to think he is going to love you they do not know how to feel love

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    • I’m there with you. Seeing everyone’s comments makes me want to find a group where someone knows you cant just shut the door and call it a day. Being misunderstood, no one understanding , feeling alone, etc is by far the worst ever -along with many other things. Sigh. May we all heal and we receive the inner strength we need.

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    • Many prayers to you for strength and protection. I am reading with tears rolling down my face, this is the personal hell I’m in right now as we speak.

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  5. Im haveing or should i say i was haveing a hard time letting go of my toxic boyfriend of whom i just learned is a narcissist. For the past 5yrs iv been fighting, and defending myself, trying to make this man who sayes he loves me see that im not the lieing, cheating person he thinks i am. He has not made me think im crazy, but accuses me of trying to make him think hes crazy. My god he has said hes heard men in the background of phone calls. I had a hard time hanging up after a phone call so he would never hang up instead sit and lusten. Hes said hes heard me having sex, asking if some guy wanted to have sex, he sat one time for an HOUR, i was at home, alone, getting ready to go to his house, and he told me he heard me talking to a man. This past year is the worst its ever been. I finally realized its not me and i cant fix him it was time for me to go. It hurts badly cuz i do love him, but i love me too.

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    • I HAD a 7 yr relationship with his twin..they are nuts..know no love, not even much for themselves..is why they play these crazy, games of mind…….he will not ever change..i am so happy to see you write you love yourself as his man..loves no human..i am pulling for you..to be free of this…xoxoxox

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    • It sounds as if he is driving himself crazy thinking that you are going to abandon him. He has abandonment issues from past relationships and possibly his childhood
      Try not to do anything to antagonize him and be sensitive when you are around other men. Make him feel special, at least when he is around you, but take some time to yourself to nurture yourself. Do things that you enjoy so you can rest up to be around him because he probably is very exhausting.

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    • …I feel like I am reading a chapter right out of my life! I didn’t have a name for what was going on with my fiancé, but I knew it was serious. Before I was in this relationship I was a confident, no nonsense type of woman. Now I am 60 lbs lighter, broken, and a shell of a human being. It brought him pleasure to see my misery and confusion. The accusations he would make were absurd to me, but I kept defending myself which fueled his fire. I would be in the living room folding laundry and he would say he heard kissing sounds or me having sex with someone. On top of this he was also physically abusive. I would rather be beaten than to have someone mentally abuse me…sad I even justified such treatment. I know that I will never be the same after such traumatic events. My heart goes out to all who are victims to this evil.

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    • That could of been me that wrote this totally can relate word for word except I’m still in the relationship. Good luck I’m glad you got out.

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    • Wow sounds just like my gf

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  6. I’ve been dealing with a narcissistic mother in law for 10 long years. She’s an absolute nightmare. I know hate is a strong word but I genuinely hate the woman. She’s constantly talking too loud, lying for no reason other than pure manipulation, and making insults about everyone behind their backs (including her own parents, siblings, and children). No one is off limits. If she’s ever seen you, heard of you, or smelled your perfume in the air she’s said something bad about you behind your back. Her favorite thing to do is to try and convince you that she didn’t say something you clearly heard her say. Or she’ll not say anything at all and then try and convince you that she did. 99.9% of the things that she says are well calculated lies. She literally says something negative about EVERYONE when they leave the room…and when they come back she switches back to being their friend quicker than you can flip a light switch. I feel like I’m the only one aware that she’s a complete psychopath, although I frequently hear people say that she’s selfish. And she’s even commented about people saying it in her usual, fake “I’m so innocent” voice. I think people are scared of her because when she’s insulted/mad she acts like a two year old child throwing a damn temper tantrum, insanely belligerent like a drunk. I’m sure that’s why she can’t hold down a solid romantic relationship. After years of dealing with her, I’ve started documenting her behavior. She never keeps friends long and is always bragging about how she’s “just using” certain people for the time being. The only time she contacts me is to ask about my husband or be nosy about things he doesn’t tell her on purpose. “FYI, anything you tell her or she does for you will be used against you later,” he says. He suggested that I lie to her like he does and that’s what I do. She acts as if the world revolves around her, never taking anyone else’s feelings, time, or personal space into consideration. In other words, she’s the devil himself. She lacks emotion, and stares at people like a night hawk, barely blinking. The only thing she does is this weird, obviously fake laugh. It sounds like a car that won’t start.

    I’m completely sick of trying to keep the peace with that negative, inmature woman.

    I dont know what to do.

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    • S. Brown: I was raised by a mother exactly like what you’re describing here. I had no idea what to do when growing up other than enduring the abuse. I knew something wasn’t right (based on how I observed many of my friends associating with their families), but I certainly did not know what a narcissist even was until very recently. My understanding of a narcissist at that time was a very simplistic amateur understanding, so I never associated that understanding with my mother…until I started to research this a little more and discovered what a covert narcissist is.

      However, my younger brother (who is also a major covert narcissist) had to go to marriage counselling over 30 years ago (not a surprise really) and their group therapist learned from him what our mother was like. The advice the therapist gave my younger brother at that time was zero contact. My brother never took the advice, but a few years later I certainly did. I Have to say that my life improved 100% after I just walked away…but it still took a few years to learn about life what I needed to learn; my emotional well being definitely improved, but it took years. I have been zero contact with my mother now since 2004. She was a horrible witch.

      I realize that you may be in a stickier situation than I was in…I was at least able to just pack up and go. You may not be able to do so that easily, but I urge you to figure out a way to do this and at least try. No contact (and remaining in that environment) is the only way to end the abuse with a narcissist (whether they are overt or covert).

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    • she is pure empty in soul..no help for her…you need to help yourself and part..one worst things..is one saying no did not say that..to what you know they said lol..been there..til i cracked up..i even was hiding a recorder under the bed..to record the mean crap he was going to deny he said..which i did..and he said the tape recorder was lying lol.and just cussed it off as no time for such…these types follow us.one im now ridding from years of same..stupid..life wasting..stuff..get free,I am wishing you have found peace..

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      • oh mom in law………oh i had a severe one..it never stopped..til i left the marriage..i am not saying leave yours..i am sorry…unless your partner really wants them around..I hope you can limit their time near you..and that your partner..is on your side..best of luck..

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    • This sounds like my narcissitic exboyfriend’s horrid mother. She was a vicious old shrew.

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    • Be very careful, you are showing all the signs of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder there yourself,!!! In what way have you helped her? HATE IS NOT A WAY OF HELPING HER.

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    • Oh Jesus, your words completely sum up a woman I spent 4 years with. I am having great difficulty getting the utter control and evil out of my head. It’s a curse.

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    • Why is your mother in law in your life to such a degree that you have to document her behavior? Does she live with You? If so… why can’t you get her Our? I’m sorry you are suffering …

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    • wow, you just described my mother. what is so disheartening is that i can’t have secure relationship with people either because i am so use to defending myself and wondering what i did wrong all the time that i don’t trust people. all someone has to do is remind me of my mother in anyway and i drop them like a hot potato. it even affects my marriage sometimes. she thinks it’s me thats crazy. she can be critical but can’t handle criticism. sneaky, manipulative, liar, and the most transparent person i know. i know exactly what she is going to do. everything is disposable to her. material things, animals and people. she claims she loves these things but if they (we) become ANY kind of inconvenience she will totally get you out of her life. she has no one. everyone talks about how crazy she is but no one will confront her because of fear. she gives you things to keep you connected with her and that brings the guilt because “how can you be mad at someone who does material things for you?”. she uses birthdays and Christmas time against you. If she is mad at you she gets you nothing. if she is not then she lavishes. I hate anything she gives me cuz i know it comes with a price. she is a sick person. you will never beat her at her own game because no one will go to the depths she will to win. so you bow out and let her win. if you call it winning. i really don’t know. think she has a devil living in her or something. she will be all alone if she doesn’t change because i will never take care of someone like her. so, see, you are not alone. i am choosing for my 50th birthday to realize that i don’t have to be a part of her life. so i am not. i hate it because she is all i have as far as family but it is what it is. i am curious to see how my pans out not having her in it.

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    • I would go no contact or low contact if I were you.
      There is something called the grey rock technique that really works.
      Also something called observe not absorb…… self explanatory.
      There are so many good videos on youtube about narcissism too.
      My favourite ones are by Sam Vaknin, Richard Grannon, Spartan Life Coach and Narcissism Survivor.

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    • Omg, you have described my mother. It’s sad but true. You have to just lie to her and keep your distance as much as possible.

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    • Holy shit that sounds like my mom. I have had my suspicions that my mom was a narcissistic sociopath and had it confirmed by my counsoler later. It sucks and I completely agree with everything said on the posts and the comments are accurate af. I’m 18 and have wondered wtf was wrong with me for a long time when I figured out that it was abuse. I am hoping to move out as soon as possible but I have borderline personality disorder (maybe c-ptsd too?) and I’m hoping I don’t doubt myself so much that I stop trying to go against her.

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    • Only thing you can do, for sanity, for self esteem, is go no contact. I did this with my own mother after her abuse started affecting my son. She started targeting him or targeting me in front of him. One thing yo abuse me most of my life, completely different to try doing it to him. Its been 16 months and its like a lead weight has been lifted. Was hardest and easiest thing ive ever done

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  7. I never even knew this was a thing. I’ve been married just shy of 3 months and I’m in hell. Every sign stated here is what I face. I love my husband, despite his downfalls but I’ve come to realize that it’s impossible to try to save anything using reasonable methods like talking or reasoning. What I want to understand is this: is it possible to treat this? I live in a small town and if nothing else would like to seek therapy for myself to try to start rebuilding myself, though those therapists are few and far between here. But it devastates me to just “give up” on him.

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    • No, there is no cure for NPD. Treatment usually makes them worse. The only way is to escape them and cut them off completely. Run and don’t look back.

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    • Narcissism is very difficult to treat because they don’t think anything is wrong with them. I’m sorry to say that things do not get better. Once a relationship with a narcissist is started then things escalate. Was married to one for 25 years and tried therapy numerous times but he would lie at our appointments and then come home and continue the same behavior. Of course, every problem was my fault and every unacceptable behavior that he did got twisted so that I was the one in the wrong. No contact is the way to go. Get him out of your life.

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    • Leave him

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    • My marriage to an N lasted 9 months. That was 30 years ago and until recently there was no help for me an no information. There is no cure for NPD and part if the disorder is thinking he’s ok and everyone else is nuts, so he won’t do well in therapy or even go. With mortgage & childrearing things will only get worse. My advice is annul or divorce now. Do NOT drag him into marriage counseling because hhe N will play games and nothing will be accomplished but humiliation and hurt for you. The best thing I ever did was divorce my N, and I believe that’s the only thing that may have helped – not cured – him. Be had to learn that by his self-preserving behavior he could LOSE more than he gained. Get out now and don’t look back. Websites like these are full of stories of hopelessness & broken marriages – none of them have good outcomes. E thankful you live in this age of information and can help yourself understand. Be careful when choosing a personal therapist, too – some of then claim to know everything and are Narcissists too. Somewhere there is a partner out there gor you who is a real adult and wants to grow with you, rather than pull you down into his sick paradigm that he can’t function withoutsl – and no rational person can function within. Chin up and move on! I wish you peace!

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    • I stayed 6 years trying to save him. He will erode your soul to the core, you’ll start getting sick and going to the hospital, lose your hair, digestive problems. Believe me, he’s gone and I still have c-ptsd. If you recognize all these symptoms, get out while you still have your sanity and health. I’m sorry.. I know how you feel. Work in your self esteem and read about codependency. Wish you the best.

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    • I have been married to a narcissist for 21 years. If I knew at 3 months what I know now I would have ended it. If you decide to stay please do not have children with him. As much as he may try he cannot feel empathy properly and will be a damaging father. Tons of therapy and spiritual work still ongoing in order for me to manage and keep repairing ongoing damage. It’s a mind twist because the narcissist doesn’t accept that their brain doesn’t function properly or if they do they say, “oh well that’s how I am; deal with it”.

      Like

    • Jenna, You sound exactly like me 14 years ago. No one can ever tell someone in your position what to do. I can share with you my experience. I had no idea what a narc (I abbreviated so I don’t have to keep typing it out) was or what one was capable of. I knew I was unhappy, sad, lonely, confused and constantly saying sorry for what I knew in my heart he caused. My story is long and still going. I left him more then once but always went back because I believed I couldn’t give up on him. He had me convinced that my love would make him a better man. And in a normal person, being loved would cause that. But not someone with Narc issues. The fact is that you have nothing to do with it and you can NEVER fix it. No matter what he tells you or other people. Half the time they don’t believe they have a problem. It is always someone elses problem. That is why reasoning and conversation doesn’t ever work with a narc. If I knew you would listen I would tell you to leave while you still have brain capacity. Staying with a narc will defeat you. You can not out wit or out manuvour a narc. When you try, they just change the game and or the rules of the game. They are sick and dangerous. People tried to tell me before we even married. Good friends and loving family members who knew what I was getting into before I did. He convinced me that they just didn’t like him cause he was a Christian or because he was so smart…. UGH even reliving it I wanna kick my own butt for believing him. You already know he is not right. He will train you to rely on what he thinks of you and reject your own instincts. That is when the anxiety and depression moves in. I can’t drive further then 2 miles from my house right now without having a major panic attack. He stole the best years of my life. Now I have 4 children and can’t work. I kicked him out to the garage 6 weeks ago. I am in counseling and I am trying to rebuilt relationships with family and friends he made me dump over the years. PLease take heed. You already know he is bad!! But he tells you he is good and loves you. He loves himself and what you do for him and how you make him feel. He doesn’t love you in the way every woman wants and needs.

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    • My advice? Get out ..If you see the signs don’t waste money on therapy for yourself, YOU don’t need therapy. HE does, but since a narcissist will never find fault in himself, he will never go. It will hurt, but it will hurt more wasting 5yrs of your life in this. The worst thing is thinking you can change them but you can’t. So cut your losses.

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    • I am in the same nightmare. Just ended my marriage after only one year. Thought I could save him, save us if I just did as he asked. Had joint counselling for 4 months. He was great for few months but all of a sudden the controlling behaviour returned. My two children from a previous marriage have witnessed violence and emotional abuse for too long. My husband and I have a two year old son who I adore. He uses him as a guilt trip all the time, calls me a bad mother one day and an amazing mum the next. My life has been a roller coaster for too long. I had to get out before I totally lost my sanity. Stay strong and look to the future. Day at a time.

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    • I was married to one for 11 years. It will not get better, it will only get worse. Everything will be your fault. His lies and betrayal will all be your fault, according to him. There really is no way to treat it. Narcissists will never admit that they have a problem. It’s always everyone else who gets the blame. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now.. And I still get blamed for him being a shitty father and all of his faults.

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    • Walk away now. You cannot help him. He will never admit he needs help. I stayed married 23 year before i divorced him. It only got worse. Dont waste another day . you will regret it if you dont end it. Toxic relationships are just that…..toxic!

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    • Based on my experience, I wholly tell you to get out now, especially before there are children! I stayed and tried for 20 years. I wasted my whole life! As bad as he treats you 3 or 9 months in – it will get worse. Now I’m 4.5 yeas into a divorce battle.

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    • Get out of there before it destroys you! 😦

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    • I too have been married to my narcissistic husband for 3 months. And guess what, I knew him for eight years! All this while I knew I was dating someone who just didn’t seem right. Still continued. Still got married. Let me break your bubble (and I hate doing this, but…someone has to). He will most likely not change. However, if you think you can live with him, learn how to deal with his behavior. It’ll be hard. It’ll drain you out. Your call.

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    • you cant change people .I felt like I was dying inside when I left my relationship,i crawled into a fetal position and cried all day to my mother and she held me.My stomach hurt from emotional loss of my true love,but I swore to myself that I was never going to be unhappy again!! It will be the hardest thing you ever do!!!! Ever!!! I recommend having family,close friend or therapist on stand by when you decide to leave.You will need a lot of support and coaching.Reading about narcissists helped me more than anything! Knowledge gave me power!!! Good luck.

      Like

  8. 6 out of 6 for me during my 29 + years working with PhD chemists at EMN (ECC) in Kingsport Tennessee. Verbal, mental, physical abuse was there on and on while I worked with certain people. And here they are, just to name the most guilty over my 29 + years: Mike Edwards, Cathy Dorco, Mike Palmer, Leroy Gott, Tom Smith, Chris Killian, Peter Mackenzie, Tim Dawsey, Clay Pearson, David Kashdan, Dr. Hebba (Medical Dr. from unknown college & unknown degree), Dan Bolton, Nancy Kinkade; Mark Stewart, Ron Sheppard, Shawn Daughter, and a few other current and former backstabbing lying Eastman Chemical Company in Kingsport Tennessee leadership employees. Karma is a patient pursuit of pleasure.

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  9. To all those who have made comments here and to those who will read this page in the future, my heart goes out to you. My expertise on the subject has been developed not only as a clinician but on a personal level. I was in love with a narcissist and have a young son with her. I hope I am not breaking any rules for this blog by making you aware of my article on the subject here http://www.bournemouthhypnotherapy.co.uk/narcissistic-abuse/ Given some of the comments above I feel it may be of use and comfort. My love and blessings to you all and especially Ana for raising awareness of this subject.

    Like

  10. Does anyone know a good therapist in plano texas that can help victims of this type Abuse as well as unresolved childhood trauma? Please send any suggestions or any help to my e mail address pugomabalach@aol.com

    Like

    • There are a surprisingly lack of therapist who are experienced in helping with this type of recovery. Michael Salas, in Dallas is who I’ve been seeing. When you look at his website, don’t get overly concern that he treats sexually issues. Look at his credentials and his training. I don’t know your circumstances. I am in a legal nightmare post 18 months after leaving my husband of 16 years and filing for divorce. However, the nightmare is still so much better than living with him and I’m happier than I have ever been. I highly recommend a therapist trained in post-induction therapy, trauma, somatic therapy, and in dealing with psychological abuse. Facing Codependency by Pia Melody, Psycopath Free, Brene Brown’s Rising Strong series and Men, Woman and Worthiness. I have also done a workshop at The Meadows (in AZ) called ‘survivors week’ that literally grounded me, gave me a lot of peace and I left experiencing joy for the first time ever in my life. The program basically reparents you and helps you learn what abuse is and how to create healthy boundaries with your narcissistic and everyone else in your life. Literally life changing. A couple of other therapists, Tamara McFarland and Mark Bird in Lewisville.

      Like

  11. I was a happy confident lady when this NARC walked into my life two years ago . I had moved by myself to Spain and really loved the life …then in walked the narc …he told me he had major trust issues ( I should have run then ) one by one all my friend’s and family were alienated it didn’t even matter if they lived in another country , there could only be him only he loved me … I’ve been beaten ..stolen from ..made to lie to people I love and I had horrible thoughts because he was never going to leave me …I knew finally it was me or him ..I took out a restraining order within 20 mins he had broken it and I fell once again ( he is fluent in Spanish I’m not ) finally a friend was at my house and saw him abusing me and called the police …he is locked in prison until we go to trial on the 25th April in Malaga … I’m so frightened I can’t afford legal help and he knows how to play the Spanish system …I have nightmares every night ..what if they let him go ?…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Same thing happened to me only in Mexico only they saw me covered in blood and only jailed him for 24 hours finally his brother saved me told me he would purchase the plane tickets to USA. Sad thing is i still love him and miss him but I know I have to heal…. Good luck in your trial!!!

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    • How did it go Vicki Jane? I hope you are safe.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Shawn LaGrandeur

    I have been in treatment for 2 years and this week we came up with narcissistic abuse . My dad my mom and my brother all abused me in this way . Reading this confirms it all , I always thought I was crazy and once you start to let them make you doubt who you are they got you . I have PTSD and this abuse lead to a life of crime and violence. I scared myself with my temper . I see how I’ve been manipulated now and have distanced myself from these people . I experienced everything in this article and then some , I completely fell apart in November couldn’t figure out what it was but it all came down to the abuse , I always felt it and would say things as a kid and get in a lot of trouble. I was thrown out over and over as a kid knowing this is real and your not making this up and getting the help to heal and get past it is where I’m at now

    Liked by 1 person

    • born about same way..long haul..healing is what we need..i have been doing deep self work..to love me..as no one ever did..and..stay balanced and purged the anger in me..but..it is a step process,,,to learn to be balanced when our very parents..took that from us..it is doable..im just doing that this year..i will be thinking of you..and wishing you good things in your soul.

      Like

    • Shawn,

      I’m hoping that my understanding that you’re in your 20’s to 30’s is correct.

      If so, then you’re hopefully going to have a long relatively normal life after you complete treatment.

      I just discovered narcissism about a year ago at the age of 63 which put things in perspective for me also having dealt with both parents who were also legal drug addicts. One was a boozer and the other was addicted to nicotine.

      I wasn’t till this piece of my lifes puzzle came my way that thing really started to fall into place.

      I also remember that my first diagnosis was, like you PTSD which didn’t make any sense then or for a long time after.

      I still isolate like I’ve always done, but accept it better now than I did before which is a relief.

      It’s easier said than done with the temper that you and I share is to just let go of some of the anger a bit at a time so it doesn’t get your ass in a sling with the authorities.

      If you haven’t started, consider meditiation. It does help calm what Buddhists call the ‘monkey mind,’ or as I characterize it, ‘lettin’ the squirrels loose’ in the brain.

      Like

  13. 11 years with narc ex. maybe you get over this awful experience in dog years. every symptom spot on. i grew up with him and it was like he was all i knew. my everything as soon as i gave birth the monster was unleashed.
    After 4 years my daughter and i have one no contact for the second time, i pray for the women that get roped in as easily as i have been .
    GET RID OF THEM OFF SOCIAL MEDIA AND ALL OF THEIR MINIONS!!!!!!
    the mornings are the worse, i chain smoke with the anxiety. however am only 29 and my daughter is young enough not to be too impacted IF i manage to stay away from the Hoovering!!!! each time it gets easier.
    recently he has been hospitalized, knocked teeth out broke femur. lapping up the attention from the adoring fans! KARMA does come its slow
    i didnt even realise i had been re-hoovered by this complete wally!
    iscolation eventaully becomes solitude depression becomes deep- rest, meditation, nature, breathing, sage, crystals, serotonin, smiling, cuddling children and pets
    ❤ so much love to all who have been suffering this awful infection taking over the planet. keep the faith and the grace earth angels.. Grace ❤

    Like

    • Rising Grace…thank you for making me laugh for a bit. “Maybe you get over this aweful experience in Dog years” That’s how I feel. I’ve been no contact for the second and final time going on a year and a half. I spent 11 miserable years of my precious life with this lieing cheating beating thieving poor excuse of a man. And yes…as you put it eventually isolation becomes solitude, depression becomes rest and meditation nature breathing, smiling and cuddling children and pets. I have no children but I have pets…they are so much happier now that all the craziness and drama and upset has finally ended. They were scared and jittery and trying to run away when I was with that N socio. My whole world has calmed down and become stable and so has theirs. Happiness and peace is possible after this insidious abuse…it just takes time and effort to work through this and create the life you want and need for yourself and your children…furry kids included. ♡

      Like

  14. I am.currently experiencing a lot of numbness of feelings , i kmow I stsrted shutting my feelings off while with him to protect myself from his psychogical abuse, now im trying to feel again.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I really need some help I’ve just come out of a relationship I dnt no is he’s this or Wether I’m the problem. It’s sending me nuts but I feel I’m not wrong he is a narcissist

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  15. I am currently ending a 22 year relationship with my ex husband who is classic narcissist. Am in the middle of a custody fight for 4 kids (he alienated 2 of my kids against me), destroyed my credit (I seriously drank the kool-aid thinking I could finance our future through two bankruptcies) and left me feeling like I was a worthless incompetent stupid fool. I truly believed that one day he would come around and realize trying to jack the system isn’t the way to financial and emotional prosperity.

    Plus trying to sell marital residence (what a mess, won’t even begin to get into details of that one!). Finally I have to truly resist the urge to pick up and leave all these kids, bad job, bad credit which is so strong right now. Feel like taking my dog, driving away from everything, just disappear and be gone every single day.

    Alternate from feeling fragile and broken to getting stronger and healthy by working with therapist. Serious roller coaster. Meds do help so whatever it takes to heal. Try to focus on God, gratitude, good health, family support and faith that from destruction comes creation.

    What kills me is that he is such a manipulative bully, everybody just accommodates and dances around him. I feel like I’m back in the marriage when I witness this. Drives me to distraction. Just watching and hearing about his behaviors has me reliving the entire nightmare.

    God when will this ever end?

    Like

  16. A narcissist broke me and my soulmate up by pretending she was a grieving wife by how her husband was treating her she took away his time on me to focus on her and fake broken heart. She got his mom who my man and I where living with at the time to adore her and told lies about me to where she started despising me and eventually got me kicked out then thinking I was texting my man and he was responding so rude and mean telling me never to contact him again it was actually the narcissist responding and intercepting all my text messages Intel finally I got a hold of him and he was so confused but now he knows clearly she has been manipulating him and family but cannot get away from her because his mom adores her and will kick her own son out if he breaks things off with her so he only can see me when he pretends he has to work or she goes to sneak off to a motel to stay the night with her husband she constantly takes his things hiding them then saying at day later that she found it lying somewhere or in something making him think he is loosing his memory she stole all my skirts and lingerie and packed up all my other clothes claiming that’s all there was and dening that she took anything my man knows she is lieing but he can’t escape and his mom and him have no idea she is a narcisrists I’m so afraid and hurt And feeling that she is gonna destroy him and the man I love so much how can I save him anybody he can’t live with me cause im staying with a friend who took me in when I was kicked out of his home any advice or help would be much appreciated may you all find the love and peace we all despertely want and crave and remembering God is always by your side just ask and he will help you find your way.

    Like

    • There needs to be awareness of these soulless monsters. They lie cheat steal and destroy lives. I made it to 48 then the malignant narcissist, Jeffery Quigley reared his evil head. My world crashed. I thought I was crazy, I begged my mom to tell me what was wrong with me. Seeing me destroyed had to so hard. I don’t care how smart you are , narcs area special brand of evil. As far as I’m concerned they are devil tapestry conmen. They should be charged as such. No contact is the only way. I’ve been so low that I call him after days of not sleeping and crying just because he feeds off my pain and will rescue me. It’s sad. I know he fucks anything with a pulse. It makes my me sick. Each time is easier. I’m in the anger stage. My heart bleeds for the kids with narcissistic parents or parent. Child abuse , charge them. No contact!! If you have to do it 100 times do it. Each time is easier I have an amazing family. I wanted to die. That is not me! Start searching the web. Read all you can. I’m in several support groups. The support group on Facebook saved my life. If you are being physically abused, run like hell. It will get worse. Look up the suicide rate for narc victims. Google plus, you’ll need a few different groups. Fetal position on the couch is depression. No one will judge you talk read. The story we all tell sounds like the same one narc , got us.
      You’re probably codependent too. Don’t be affraid or ashamed I learned how to piss mine off , I don’t recommend it. He put is hand on me and was calm and lied to the police one time. They did nothing. If it was their sister they would have. I still broke NC. It’s hard it sucks you will probably have nothing and need to start over. Love yourself enough to do whatever it takes to be free , to love yourself again. If you have kids, do it for them. One more thing, say this to yourself every day. They picked you because they are jealous, they can never be the loving, amazing selfless person you are. They only pick the cream of the crop so they can destroy us. It’s hard but you can do it. We all can. I can say it a hundred times they work from the inside out to destroy you. Cry but know that your destruction is what they thrive on. My heart and love go out to everyone dealing with this shit. I’m happy to talk to anyone if I can be of any help. You’ll get through this and the narc is incapable of change, they can only lie cheat steel and destroy. Their day will come. Karma bus might be slow but it does come. Join support groups. My Facebook group is Alice’s friends. A place for support acceptance and healing. It’s a private closed group The narcissists abuse victim group. Send a request. Alice is incredible! Thank you for listening. Much love.

      Like

  17. Can I get some advice. I was in a 5 month relationship with a woman. She began by telling me she was looking for a long term relationship and always dated older guys (i’m 8 years older than her), and want someone that wanted children and was going to be there for her when she needed help. She told me she had been played by her previous boyfriend who hurt her deeply and wanted someone that actually wanted a relationship and her.

    Straight away she starts questioning my honesty and trustworthiness. She stated that trust was the number one thing for her, she had trust issues and needed someone that would be completely honest with her. She also used the term, I have spies everywhere, I know lots and lots of people and I’ll find out if you do anything…

    She was warm, funny, one of the guys when I first met her. She was cool and relaxed for the most part. She quickly lured me back to her house, showed me this vulnerable, innocent woman who was eager to be looked after and saved by a good man. That’s the vid she gave out.

    After 6 weeks or so, I meet her friends. Most are males and there cold and uninterested to meet me and she’s acting like where friends. She’s cold and distance and spending much more warm, focus and attention to all of her male friends than me. I’m confused and hurt, so I go hang out with some of my friends and a small cultural event we were attending. Fast forward 30 minutes and she texts me to say where are you? I ask her to join me and meet my friends, she doesn’t bother to come over. An hour later I’m looking for her to see what we are doing and she tells me one of her male friends saw me with another woman and it looked more than just friends hanging out. Let me tell you it was just friends and I was around other people too. She’s furious and storms off making a scene.

    Fast forward another 4 or so weeks… (just giving you guys some examples) and we are at a house party she organised. She’s rude to the few friends I bring along, then later gets the shits because I wasn’t spending all the night at her side (we saw each other everyday and I was letting her hang with her friends for a while while I sat and chatting to some people). We were in eye sight of each other. So she’s upset that I wasn’t sitting next to her all night. Fast forward a few hours and it’s 11pm and the party has reduce to 12 or so people continue on her a late night. I find my girlfriend resting in her 7 year old boys room, while he played on his iPad. I give her some water, check on her son and close the bedroom door, while turning the light off. 30 minutes later I walk up to check on them and here the sounds of sex coming from her bedroom. I listen for a few minutes to check if its her, which it was, then I come into the room. I slowly and carefully place my head around through the door which was slightly ajar to see what’s going on. The next minute the guys calls me in with the sleeves voice to join them. Telling me it’s all good! I switch on the light while yelling my girlfriends name, which at the exact same time she pushes the guy off the bed. Her son is asleep in the bed with them while they were going at it!! I yell a little then leave. She chases me and tells me she was asleep and he molested her. I tell her she’s lying and a terrible mother doing that with her 7 year old in the bed. The next day she tells me all sorts of crazy stuff. The guy tried to molest her three more times while she was asleep. At some point during the night, and she’s not sure when or how, she caught the same guy kissing and caressing her child’s legs and feet. Then she continues with, my (male) friend …. asked why you weren’t there to stop him doing it to me!!! I swallowed that pill. I can;t believe I did, but she was always pointing the finger at me and accusing me of not being honest, or doing something dodgy. I was so consumed with looking at my behaviour I never suspected her. Let me be clear, I loved this girls and I wasn’t even interested in cheating or even flirting.

    One last example… She tells me she wants to put sexual photos of herself on instagram, etc. She shows me the photos too! Very revealing and sexual. I said I don’t want guys looking at them and doing the sorts of things they would do when looking at them, she gets funny that I’ not OK with. But since we’ve broken up she still has;t uploaded them. She would also meet guys when we were out and act like she like them more than me.

    This is only a small example, it was constant. She also had what my best friend labelled, a harem of followers, mostly guys BTW.

    Does this fall into narcissism or psychopath?

    Like

    • Doesn’t matter which, she’s totally destructive. WHY would you want to be with someone who has done all this to you and worse – has sex with her KID in bed? Is that not a giant enough red flag? She accuses the guy of molesting her yet let him stay the night to do it 3 more times? She lets him sexually abuse her child (and didn’t report either I’m assuming). She would have called the police if he was molesting her, so I’m betting it was mutual. However, Child protective services needs to be called, to check on that child. THAT should be your concern. Then RUN. Far away from her.

      Like

  18. Can I get some advice. I was in a 5 month relationship with a woman. She began by telling me she was looking for a long term relationship and always dated older guys (i’m 8 years older than her), and want someone that wanted children and was going to be there for her when she needed help. She told me she had been played by her previous boyfriend who hurt her deeply and wanted someone that actually wanted a relationship and her.

    Straight away she starts questioning my honesty and trustworthiness. She stated that trust was the number one thing for her, she had trust issues and needed someone that would be completely honest with her. She also used the term, I have spies everywhere, I know lots and lots of people and I’ll find out if you do anything…

    She was warm, funny, one of the guys when I first met her. She was cool and relaxed for the most part. She quickly lured me back to her house, showed me this vulnerable, innocent woman who was eager to be looked after and saved by a good man. That’s the vid she gave out.

    After 6 weeks or so, I meet her friends. Most are males and there cold and uninterested to meet me and she’s acting like where friends. She’s cold and distance and spending much more warm, focus and attention to all of her male friends than me. I’m confused and hurt, so I go hang out with some of my friends and a small cultural event we were attending. Fast forward 30 minutes and she texts me to say where are you? I ask her to join me and meet my friends, she doesn’t bother to come over. An hour later I’m looking for her to see what we are doing and she tells me one of her male friends saw me with another woman and it looked more than just friends hanging out. Let me tell you it was just friends and I was around other people too. She’s furious and storms off making a scene.

    Fast forward another 4 or so weeks… (just giving you guys some examples) and we are at a house party she organised. She’s rude to the few friends I bring along, then later gets the shits because I wasn’t spending all the night at her side (we saw each other everyday and I was letting her hang with her friends for a while while I sat and chatting to some people). We were in eye sight of each other. So she’s upset that I wasn’t sitting next to her all night. Fast forward a few hours and it’s 11pm and the party has reduce to 12 or so people continue on her a late night. I find my girlfriend resting in her 7 year old boys room, while he played on his iPad. I give her some water, check on her son and close the bedroom door, while turning the light off. 30 minutes later I walk up to check on them and here the sounds of sex coming from her bedroom. I listen for a few minutes to check if its her, which it was, then I come into the room. I slowly and carefully place my head around through the door which was slightly ajar to see what’s going on. The next minute the guys calls me in with the sleeves voice to join them. Telling me it’s all good! I switch on the light while yelling my girlfriends name, which at the exact same time she pushes the guy off the bed. Her son is asleep in the bed with them while they were going at it!! I yell a little then leave. She chases me and tells me she was asleep and he molested her. I tell her she’s lying and a terrible mother doing that with her 7 year old in the bed. The next day she tells me all sorts of crazy stuff. The guy tried to molest her three more times while she was asleep. At some point during the night, and she’s not sure when or how, she caught the same guy kissing and caressing her child’s legs and feet. Then she continues with, my (male) friend …. asked why you weren’t there to stop him doing it to me!!! I swallowed that pill. I can;t believe I did, but she was always pointing the finger at me and accusing me of not being honest, or doing something dodgy. I was so consumed with looking at my behaviour I never suspected her. Let me be clear, I loved this girls and I wasn’t even interested in cheating or even flirting.

    One last example… She tells me she wants to put sexual photos of herself on instagram, etc. She shows me the photos too! Very revealing and sexual. I said I don’t want guys looking at them and doing the sorts of things they would do when looking at them, she gets funny that I’ not OK with. But since we’ve broken up she still has;t uploaded them. She would also meet guys when we were out and act like she like them more than me.

    This is only a small example, it was constant. She also had what my best friend labelled, a harem of followers, mostly guys BTW.

    Does this fall into narcissism or psychopath?

    Like

  19. I lived with a Narc for 7 yrs, and now that I look back on it, it was textbook. Things were so good in the beginning, and it gradually got worse over the yrs, and I finally got out!! My sanity was worth more than anything, and I got the nerve and had money to leave. I still hear from him or an associate of his, every month or so, but I don’t respond. I know what I was like before the Narc, and am desperate to get back to that person. I am slowly getting better with articles like this and talking with friends and family. I feel like I’m delusional though, and I’m thinking its a side effect of living with the Narc. He has told me he’s married, and I’ve seen pictures of the wedding (very cheesy) but he’s lied about everything, how can I believe he’s married. Sometimes, I don’t believe it, and other times I think that she will eventually figure him out and leave, just know what she’s in for and almost feel sorry for her and her children cause I know the life they are getting into. Any ideas of why I may not believe he’s married, when he’s lied about everything else

    Like

    • They will say anything, do anything if will get a reaction or hurt us,they are only happy if we are miserable, I have huge issues from his reality and normal reality

      Like

  20. How do I cope with feelings of guilt at having no contact with what I have only in the past few years realised is a narcissistic father? He is elderly, but remarried to a much younger woman following the death of my mother 5 years ago. I have been subjected to years of emotional blackmail and bullying and my father completely crushed the spirit and confidence of my mother during their marriage. I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 20 years and if it wasn’t for him and our daughter, would commit suicide. I am forever plagued by guilt and feel that I am a horrible person for turning my back on an elderly parent. However, if I re- initiate contact I know that I will just be opening myself up to more emotional blackmail and bullying, I feel as though I’m in a no win situation. Please help!

    Like

  21. Im so sick with reality..how did i fall for yet another narsistic man..in a relationship and am manager of his business that i run…i work over sixty hours a week..paid five an hour…i work hard and made this business a sucsess in the year ..at first i was promised all kinds of great things…then he cheated on me over and over again…but i stayed making him money..then firgave him…and niw back together ..still working my ass off while hecwatches at home on the camera ….im so stuck.

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  22. Reblogged this on Ex Wife of a Narcissist and commented:
    This a GREAT article. Had to share!

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  23. Excellent article. I have to co-parent with him and it’s a living hell. I will never be the same person again. Only people who have been in this kind of relationship can begin to understand the damage it does to you. “Narcissistic People DESTROY PEOPLE.” That is the absolute truth!

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  24. I am amazed at how accurate this is to my last relationship. When I read the article I could relate to every single thing! Being in a relationship with a narcissist is the worst experience I’ve ever been through and I haven’t had an easy life. I am so grateful I got out alive and I can truly say I’ve never met such an evil person as my narcissistic ex boyfriend. I’m scared for his next victim.

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  25. All I’ve got is, “Holy shit.”

    If one suffers through PTSD from an outside cause, how can a clinician diagnose and differentiate between the PTSD from the trauma, and whether the patient is a victim of a narcissistice relationship (or not)?

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  26. I just realized, while reading this that I was living with a narcissist myself. So much of this is what I lived through. I got out and am back to being myself. I just thank you for having this information available for women to read and learn.

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  27. So blessed to have made it out alive.

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  28. i have been in a readership with this narc for over 5 yrs. he treats me and my children like crap. i have 4 children. 2 that are his. he always tries to make me feel like i will never be anything. when he does not get his way or if something happens that has nothing to do with me he takes it out on me he leaves broke. he takes my money. he says my kids are my friends and that i dont need to talk to no one. he hits me he belittles me. they dont know that they have a problem. they blame u as a fault to all the madness in there head. i want out so bad for the sake of my babies. they dont need to see this or live this. i feel like he has me with a death grip. im scared to get help cause of what he might do. what if he gets to me before help comes. he takes my phone and threatens my life if i go agents him. im tired of feeling like this. im tired of praying. i lost one of my children in foster care because of him. my son also died in foster care…… i feel alone. i feel lucky to poor my self out a little on this sight. this is only because he has been gone all night……. GOD GIVE ME THE POWER
    AND WISDOM I NEED TO SAVE ME AND MY CHILDREN. I FEEL SO HELPLESS

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  29. Been in several abusive relationships. Severe abuse! I now have PTSD! I have a hard time dealing with people. I panic at the first bad vibe I get from meeting people. I have a neighbor who knows I take meds. She and her boyfreind live upstairs. They sleep in the bedroom above mine. For the past month and a half , her and her boyfriend put this electronic device by the wall and it plays this drum sound. They put it by the wall where my head lays at night. I have spoken to her, she just blows me off. She says I have issues and accuses me of being on drugs. So false on her behalf. I’ve noticed she’s a liar. She’ll look me in the face and lie. I don’t know what to do. I’ve Been in my apartment for six months. She knows what she’s doing. I feel like breaking her neck. But I know that’s not going to help, but make things worse. So how do I deal with this situation. Please do help! FRUSTRATED PTSD

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    • Think of it as self preservation. If your dad was a deadly disease would you risk getting it and passing it onto your husband and daughter? Your duty lies with your husband and daughter. If you were to commit suicide, due to contact with your father, that would devastate your family. You’re blessed to have them. Don’t ruin it for someone that blackmails and bullies you.

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  30. Ive lived my whole life with this abuse from parents to significant others. At age 27 I met a wonderful man who I am in love with and can connect to for he has also been through many types of abuse as I have. I’ve suffered from neglect, sexual abuse, rape, no food, emotional abuse, physical abuse but the worst of all the abuse I’ve endured was constantly being put down, called stupid, etc. It became to where I couldn’t talk to people at all. I started to stumble when I would tell a story. I would avoid people. I felt ugly even though when I look back on my pictures I was beautiful. I endured this abuse since age 8 to age 27. At 27 I met my now husband of 10 years now. As I said he’s went through alot of the same abuses. But even though he is kind it almost feels like I don’t deserve him. I get rage everyday for no reason. I feel unhappy. I yell on the top of my lungs when I get aggravated but to no one just yelling. My husband don’t know how to show affection first so either do I so that’s part of why I get so aggravated. I tell him but nothing happens. Anyway I suffer ptsd where I will be hearing a song, or even a certain food and I will flip out throwing things and just rage out. Before all of this I was a happy child who was never shy always had a good self esteem. I get angry today because my mom only thinks of herself and puts me down still. I just want to be shown affection to and shown I’m loved in a physical way. I don’t know how to help myself. I am so lost still. I just hate my self and I shouldn’t. How can I love someone who everyone put down and hated. How can I help myself from feeling sad lonely crazy helpless a nuisance a person who can’t tell stories now without talking backwards or stuttering or just forgetting what I was going to say. I just go day by day and I have a 13 yr old daughter I wish I could set a good example for. I’m disabled due to my ex trying to kill me in the car. He sped up and wrecked us when I told him I was leaving him. My life has honestly been one disaster after another. I had a mini stroke also at age 32. I’m now 37. I can write well enough to tell my story but talking people think Im weird. I can’t make friends because I honestly can’t talk right or tell stories like friends do. My insurance don’t have any therapists around anywhere. Anyone have any suggestions on how I can get my life back or should I say get a life worth living. My husband and I never fight which is also weird to me. We are both kind of quiet. We do hug once in awhile. We don’t sleep at the same times for both have insomnia at different times it seems. So we never cuddle watch TV together it’s basically us here with his alzheimers grandmother we take care of and we just play on our phones all day or go to appointments. My husband has Muscular Dystrophy which he is in pain all day. I was recently diagnosed with MS. I also block out alot of the day not meaning to. Someone will be talking to me and I’m in another world and don’t hear them. I don’t have a relationship with any of my family. All I have which I’m grateful for is my daughter my husband and his grandmother who is 83. I’m sorry if I have went everywhere or bored you. I just don’t know how to be happy anymore or get excited about anything not even Christmas or birthdays. But no one ever in my life at all has ever thrown me a birthday party and only have received a handful of gifts my whole life of 37 years. So these things just depress me. I’m a very giving sweet loving person who jumps through hoops to help others. I would love to have a nice friend who understands. My email is carasmom11@gmail.com if you want to write me.

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  31. As my second husband and I were splitting up because he had found the new love of his life I asked if we could go to counseling. I wish I did this after my first marriage of 23 years ended. I had to leave that marriage when the verbal abuse cause me to have such a bad PTSD attack that I lost my memory and the abuse started to become phisical. Counseling saved my life and was such a revelation. First I learned that my husband was a narcissist with alcoholic tendency, second I learned that I am attracted to narcissist because I grew up with one. The counselor told me that if in the future I found someone attractive I should run away. It has taken me 9 years to really get it all in perspective, to get back my self-esteem and have very clear boundaries. I do have scars from 2 marriages to people with narcissistic personality disorder. I do want everyone to know you can recover. I have with counseling and reading on the subject. Now when I am around anyone with narcissistic tendencies i am immediately on guard and protect myself or avoid them. I am now married to a very grounded man that actually knows how to love someone besides himself, is not the center of his own universe, is spiritual and very kind. This has helped me heal even more! Blessings to you all!

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  32. I was married to this and the divorce just finished. I had PTSD from a military event prior to the relationship. He used that to justify his abuse to me and the children. He was a “good guy” forced to put up with my “crazy”. This went on until I attempted suicide. The doctors saw it for what it was. Even then it took 6 months to get clear enough to leave. The worst part is he took his daughter, whom he had completely left with me, until I walked away, because she was starting to come out of her shell from all the abuse she suffered, as long as she was with me, separate from him. The courts refused to see it and I lay custody due to biology despite what she said about the abuse. Mine was a special forces soldier so his inherent narcissism was shaped and honed until it was straight razor effective. The best day of my life was when the judge signed the divorce decree with an injunction against contact. It’s a start.

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  33. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and an older sister who was narcissistic as well. Our dad committed suicide when I was seven. I was a child with a naturally outgoing personality and had good friends through primary school. After several years of excessive criticism from both mother and sister, a mother who wanted her children away from the home as much as possible, being dressed in identical clothes, always having to follow my sister and her interests, I completely lost myself and my self-confidence. I lost my teenage years, started drinking at 12, but managed to go through school with ok results. I was a wreck towards the end of my teenage years. As soon as I could, I left the country where I grew up and moved away from my family. Unfortunately, I did not know what was wrong. I blamed myself and thought I was a horrible person. I kept on attracting narcissists in my life, as I had leant to behave in a way that suited a narcissist. I was helping everyone else before I helped myself. I thought that was the only way I could be liked. I managed to get myself out of the abusive relationship. After that I was a wreck again…. still could continue working full-time, and outwards people did not see the depressed state I was in. The narcissistic abuse happened at work places as well. I always blamed myself, even if I didn’t know what I had done wrong. I often heard: “It’s not what you say, it’s how your say it…” no one would explain what they meant with that. In 2011 – 2012 I worked for a business, which appears to be run by organised criminals. I was severely bullied there, they completely screwed with my mind. I ended up in severe depression, and for the first time I was not able to work. I attended a group CBT course, which was what I have sought all my life. Finally, I felt that I had validation. I started reading and learning more and more about narcissistic abuse victim, and finally I have found something that I can relate to very much. It is such a relief to know that there is an explanation to why I have felt worthless my whole life. This despite having looked after myself from a young age, done well in studies, always had a full-time job and capable in many other ways…. it was socially where I felt like a complete loser. I had always been told that it was something wrong with my views, my looks, my friends and so on. Now, I feel at peace with myself. Having been true to myself and true to others, has always helped me to be resilient. A very helpful book is Reinventing Your Life, by Jeffrey E Young and another author. Hopefully, if you are seeking to feel better, group CBT and the mentioned book, will help you too. Best wishes!

    Liked by 3 people

  34. Among other things I am wondering…Why do I am extra sensitive to criticism…even if my narc does not say anything I still feel like one small mistake can ruin my life for good. By him..I have alway felt like under investigation when I was with him.

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    • I completely understand. I feel the same way and often react before he has a chance to complain and belittle me. I think it is a way to try to survive and avoid a huge blow up. My narc is always questioning everything I do and say. I often get in trouble just for wording something “wrong”. The constant stress of it all is overwhelming. I never knew how powerful emotional abuse was.

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  35. This article is right on point.

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    • Shannon Nelson

      They also try to take your identity, like hide my drawings and take them to work and tell his co-workers that he did them. I need to know if they are capable of murder because the lies won’t hold when I’m here to dispute them. The idea of me outing him to these people testifies him. He rotated my tires and left the front drivers side lug nuts loose.

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  36. OMG!!! i think i am in just such a relationship right now 😦 😦

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  37. I thought I was going crazy! I couldn’t at least get a diagnosis for how I am feeling, my emotions etc..
    Every last word you said is exactly what I’m going through.
    I have bit more clarity now.

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  38. This article brought me to my knees in tears. This is/was my life for 11 years.

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  39. Christine Murphy

    They are the missing link of what a true human being has and that is feelings.Their brain is still crawling through the mud.
    This I know from personal experience for 35 years and 2 narcissistics.Yes it must be brought out into the open.They are and do dangerous things to the normal innocent unsepecting true person. And the total uncaring damaged they inflict is a under statement.Do be cateful man or woman they come in all sexes.

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    • What do we do about it? How can we let people know? I’m thinking about starting a charity…something I NEVER thought I’d even consider.

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  40. Interesting article. It’s very sad and difficult when the narcissist is your own daughter. Years ago, i read a book about how to deal with mean people without becoming one. It helped me recognize what i was up against. Through the years i have, at times, tried to fight back. That doesn’t work. All it does is open the door for more abuse. I do agree, however, that remaining silent and refusing to engage with the narcissist is the better tactic. Obviously, I cannot “leave” my grown daughter but i have distanced myself from her to limit the opportunities for her mental and emotional abuses. I, too, had wondered what happened to me that I no longer can enjoy anything when i was a fun loving, gregarious person most of my life. I prefer solitude because it feels safer. A year of therapy revealed that i was a victim being manupiliated and controlled by a true narcissist. Yet, i feel like i am standing on quicksand….torn with guilt for feeling this way about my own child but too emotionally fragile to deal with it. I have heard all those hurtful remarks: like, You must be getting senile. It’s all your fault. You are too sensitive, etc, etc. Sometimes i think death will be a relief.
    Thanks for the article and thanks for listening.

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  41. If narcissism is not genetic, then it must be a learned behaviour. I don’t think it is caused by “something in the water” as I’m not a narcissist and I grew up with, and ate the exact same food, as my narcissistic mother and younger brother.

    So how is it learned exactly? There is also a presumption that if something is “learned” then it can be “unlearned”; however, is this action solely reliant on the narcissist’s ability to admit guilt and the problems they have caused, or are there other ways to “fix this”?

    Liked by 2 people

    • We learn behaviour through the process of modelling… we imitate what others do. When we grow up we watch the people around us and we either accept or reject the strategies that they use. If you grew up with a narcissist and accepted their strategies then you copy their behaviour and use those strategies when dealing with other people.
      All behaviour and all strategies can be changed and it’s important to recognize that the only person that we can change is ourselves. If you are looking to get someone else to change their behaviour you can only do this by changing your reaction to their behaviour. They will then either change their strategy or leave. Remember that the narcissist does not have a problem in their eyes… everything is working as it should. It is you that has a problem with their behaviour. When you allow this behaviour in your life and submit to it then you are giving your power away to them. The only way to stop the cycle is to change your strategies in dealing with them. Even if you just walk away from a narcissist without changing yourself you will find another to take their place. This requires us to admit our own problems and make the changes within our own thinking and behaviours… by taking back our own power and developing new strategies.
      The very best tools for making theses changes are in the field of self development and specifically Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). All change begins with the self and when we change our internal world the external world changes with it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jeff: After reading your response and comparing it to my own life experience, I have to agree. I think I was fortunate in some ways as I regularly fought my narcissistic mother over her behavior for as long as I can remember; so I think it is safe to say that I never tried to imitate her behavior in my own life.

        I was definitely the black sheep of the family, and my mother would constantly try to triangulate conflict among the children through us and her acquaintances. I feel strongly that this is probably the main reason why so many of her “acquaintances” stopped talking to her too. I would question her bad behavior at every turn, and in retrospect I feel I was probably her worst nightmare LOL. None of my own behavior ever went unpunished though…so it’s not like I didn’t endure the torture of her wrath for daring to question everything, but eventually both her and my dad realised that there was nothing they could do to change me. However, this didn’t stop her from trying…she would constantly work behind the scenes to hurt me in any way she could (e.g. throwing out my school homework when I was in university, telling potential employers who called me for interviews not to hire me, scaring away any potential girlfriend who may have called with fabricated horror stories about me etc., etc.).

        I did not become interested in the cause of this behavior until relatively recently though. In 2008 I decided to help my younger brother who was claiming to be on the verge of financial ruin because of his ex-girlfriend (I realize now that this is red-flag #1). It wasn’t until 2011, after my then girlfriend noticed something very suspicious about him, that I started to think about this some more. In 2013 I had a run-in with my younger brother and things were said and done that made me want to seriously research his behavior in more depth…and it took a while because I had no idea where to start. I was quite stunned (and yet relieved) with what I had found though. I am now very much aware of what a covert narcissist is (even though that may not be an actual psychiatric term), and how passive aggressive behavior is the tool of choice (for both him and my mother). It was a HUGE revelation for me. I feel vindicated on so many different levels.

        Before I realized what a “narcissist” even was I took some very old indirect advice from a marriage therapist my younger brother was asked to see by his then wife. I learned that with abusive parents the only real way to save yourself is to go no contact. I had been somewhat distant from my mother since 1995 (only periodic visits), but I decided to go totally with no contact in 2004. I needed to heal…I learned then that I was very messed up. I have to say though that this “distance” DEFINITELY saved me. My emotional well being has improved exponentially…and I have learned to enjoy solitude.

        No contact was actually quite easy for me too. I did some serious thinking at that time and asked myself, “how many times has my mother, father, or even older brother for that matter, ever contacted me?”. The answer was zero. Only my younger brother had ever contacted me…all the other communication was initiated by me. And now I realize that my younger brother was only contacting me because my mother wanted to know what I was up to…nothing more. So for me going “no contact” I felt pretty safe that no one from my family would ever try to disturb my solitude and peace :-).

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    • Narcissism is genetic

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    • It’s not “learned.” It’s embedded during development, but only if the person’s DNA causes them to absorb external forces in a certain way. Two children can be exposed to the same thing (even siblings) and have quite different reactions to it. The genetics of brain chemistry will determine how their mind will respond.

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  42. Wow thought I was the only one who felt like this iv been with one for 4 years mostly split up of course trin to come to terms wots happened to me feel traumatised to be honest as I couldn’t defend myself against the violence as I didn’t want to hit a woman

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  43. Wow. Please help me. My husband had an affair and left me. He’s this narcissist you talk about. It almost killed me, I’d become so dependent and so insecure. Now my teenaged daughter has taken up his habits and is slowly pushing me toward suicide. She wants to go live with him. I’m heartbroken at the thought of not being a good mother, but I’m afraid that this constant, never-ending, ever-present, daily mental and emotional abuse she’s heaping on me will kill me. I’m not very strong yet because of 23 years of this from my ex-husband. If I can’t resolve this, I don’t see much of a future for myself. Should I let her go and try to move on? I’ve tried to get her counseling (three psychotherapists, three school counselors, one psychiatrist), and she’s refused all of them because she says she’s not the problem. I’m beyond hopeless. I just need some kind of help from somewhere, and I don’t even know where.

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    • I hope you are doing better!

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    • Hi Susan,
      Help yourself, by talking to someone, and then, you that will enable you to speak into your daughter’s life, where she will, respect and respond to your word’s of wisdom. I prayed for you. Your future is great and vast! Do not give up.
      Sincerest,
      Marcena

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    • I understand!

      My narcissistic wife of 30 years recently left me and I KNOW that she is a very destructive person and yet I STILL MISS HER! Hang on; you can survive. YOUR SITUATION IS A VERY DIFFICULT ONE. Do not let anyone minimize your difficulty.

      I am not one to back down from a challenge; in this case I must admit that I cannot fix this.

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    • SheWonTheFight

      Susan,
      I am sorry for all the terrible things being done to you. I have found that the book Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft is helpful in understanding what’s going on with my XH and my children. Also seek education about abuse from domestic violence centers and ask them to help you make a safety plan. They may have resources for you like counseling, groups, help financially, etc. I know the most important thing for me is to get a solid grasp on what is actually going on. I’m being abused and it’s killing me…I need to know I’m not responsible for it at all, what red flags to watch out for/ people to run away from and what else can I do to be free?

      Fight til you’re free, Susan! I stand behind you!

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    • Chalise Burnett

      Susan,

      I have a narcissist husband who has sucked the life out of me. Im sorry for your pain but know God is closer than U think. Seek him, pray to feel his love and comfort. No one knows and loves us like he does. Pray that whatever is meant to happen will, and help U adapt to it. Being a mom is hard enough! We dont need some crazy man making it harder! Believe in U, find your hope and peace through Jesus Christ and God! I pray U will fill his love tonight for U!

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    • I feel the exact same way as you! I was married to a narcissist for 8 years before I finally had the courage to leave. I left in 2010 and just this month he convicts a judge (even after molesting my older daughter and pleading no contest to a Gross Misdemeanor “crimes against a monor.”) to a grant him primary physical custody of our 9 year old twins (we did have joint custody). I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve done a single illegal drug, I never been arrested or even had a speeding ticket…how can I possibly lose my kids? He lied in court and made me out to be an abusive, neglectfull mother. I feel completely helpless and confused.

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    • Rene Diedrich

      Susan, let your daughter go. You are not responsible for her anymore. She wants dad ? Give her dad. When she pleads to come back, lay down the law. If she thinks she can treat you like crap, let her know you’re not having that. You’re not doing her any favors when you cater to her whims nor are you being a bad mom because you refuse to let her mistreat you. You need time for you now. You need time to heal. The truth is you’re probably only clinging to her out of a misguided sense of obligation and because you fear he’ll use this against you. Let him, let her. It’s time to let yourself enjoy life and if that means you cut them off, so be it. It’s not necessarily the end of your relationship,with your daughter and you’re not asking her to choose between her father and you. You’re just choosing yourself over both of them for now. Your daughter may not be a narc but she is clearly under his influence and you haven’t got a prayer against him , so why add to your stress and make yourself ill? That’s not going to do your daughter any good.. I have been with a Narc and unfortunately I rely on him financially becaus he isolated me and told me not to work before dumping me on face book. We were married 6 months after a 13 year relationship which I discovered was never what I believed . My son grew up thinking of this man as his father and when we finally lived together he , he went out of his way to be my son’s hero. At first I was very pleased but then I saw how he made my son believe he and I were equals and encouraged him to be defiant and dismissive of me becaus e I am “crazy” . When he left he tried to lure my son into his cornet because I had Discovered that he was carrying on with my former student in a in an unseemly online sexual affair. He was also obsessed with very young women and had nothing but hate for me, am relying me to trade up because in his mind I was some kind of sexual conduit that made him more appealing to women. Girls really. None of them were buying what he was selling and fortunately my son was hip enough to figure out his game at 14. We ended up being supported far longer than the marriage lasted and it’s a good thing because his smear campaign ruined my chances of finding employment as a teacher BC he is friends with members of the BOE and many administrators in our rural area. I don’t blame them for being wary. He told them I was psychotic and you simply cannot take a chance when it comes to children. I have found work part time as a personal assistant and since the ex left town ( his law practice fell apart because he spent so much time fantasizing about girls and trying to make it with his band, he ended up wrecking cases. And people’s lives) I am begining to find my way again, but there were a few PD detours and I am still shaking off the band mates he pointed in my direction. One of them is probably a little more NPD than I assumed he was and played a game with me that I am proud to say I have shaken off without the enduring rage and pain the ex left me with . I have come to understand that the divorce was a blessing and that I will be a better person thanks to what I went through. However, I am not able to feel the same hope and joy I did before . I have been. Surrounded by NoDs all my life. My dad was an abusive sociopath and my boyfriends were usually narcissists or some variation of the NPD . They used me up and when I married the man I did I assumed he was different because he’s homely and charmless. In our yea of dating I knew something was wrong but because he didn’t drink , ask me for money or do anything overtly abusive I assumed I was paranoid. Looking back I see that he was emotionally abusive, dishonest and cheating the whole time we were together , using me to get near my students and my beautiful,friends. I am glad my son chooses me because. He liked the middle class life my ex provided. He liked being normal & we are too broke to be like his pals families. Turns out they are not all that perfect anyway.
      Even now the ex is bribing the boy to be his spy but the kid knows better. Your daughter has yet to catch on. She will if she lives with him. I promise. Let her call you. Let her be the one who comes to you. Give yourself the time and attention you deserve .

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    • I went through exactly what your going through now. I was married to my N who had one affair that I know of and then out of the blue left me for his new source of supply. I now know that he had been seeing this woman for about 2 years and had been planning to discard me a year before he handed me divorce papers. I was left homeless, no access to money, without a vehicle and had not worked in 7 years. During the hell that was my life I came to realize that my daughter, whom I adored is also an N and that I had been the target of her abuse as well. In order to heal, I not only had to go no contact with my ex but also my daughter. Its very, very difficult I know. I have grandchildren that I probably will never see again but in my opinion you must go no contact! I repeat, you must go no contact. If you don’t you won’t make it and that concerns me. Find a good therapist who understands narcisistic abuse and can help you work through this nightmare. You must stay strong and work hard! You can do this, I promise, and it does get better with time.

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  44. I just left an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. He forced me to kick my daughter out of the house then remained constantly, intensely angry with me for not disowning her. She did nothing wrong but is rather a quite normal 19 year old who needs her mother. For 4 years he was jealous for every moment I spent with my kids or family and boy did I pay for even loving them.

    If a man cannot even be kind to you with the little things in life, he will destroy you when real problems appear.

    My message is this: if a man cannot be kind and polite to in the best of times, then he will be torturous in the worst.

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    • Susan: My only suggestion is to seek professional help (i.e. therapy). These types of people always leave their mark; hence, it’s always best to first learn how to deal with that. Second, the therapist will also undoubtedly be able to steer you toward other avenues that will help you cope.

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    • I have recently left my husband and started counseling. After several sessions, my counselor mentioned that my husband sounded as if he might be a narcissist but since he hadn’t met him, he couldn’t be sure. I keep reading about narcissists and seeing similarities but doubting that I was really married to a narcissist. When I saw your comment, it felt as if the blood drained from my face. Months after we married, my son wanted to go live with his father and I knew somehow he needed to be away from my new husband. My daughter stayed with me but I have paid hell for trying to shield her from her stepfather’s actions. He is extremely jealous of my kids and my family. He recently made the ultimatum that she could no longer set foot on our property. He is verbally abusive and mentally cruel. Even within the last week, he became very drunk and late one night, entered the property where I’m currently staying. I heard the “intruder” and called police. He was arrested but not before destroying my daughter’s room and her belongings. Thank goodness she wasn’t here at the time. Now the fact that he drove drunk, was involved in an accident, terrorized me and my daughter, and was arrested is all my fault! Your letter has helped me realize that my counselor is dead on.

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  45. Not everyone acts the same way as it’s mentioned here about a narcissist. somethings are very subtle. I think the main thing anyone should know and is a key factor about narcissism is lack of empathy and care. Abused victims that suffer from complex ptsd may show no empathy during their anxiety or rage, but that’s different from actual narcissism. A narcissist’s lack of empathy shows at the times when we need his care. He shows no sympathy, no remorse even if we’re about to take our life. I remember crying like someone dear just died, and he was as cold as ice. Just one example. That’s when we know someone doesn’t, can’t feel the pain of others. Many people who suffer from a mental or emotional injury, could appear to be narcissistic, especially during their time of break down or rage, but they have empathy, they care. I just didn’t want people confusing the signs of a narcissist with emotionally or mentally injured victims.

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  46. I discovered Buddhism. It’s philosophy taught me how to understand and move on. When you accept that…one, it’s not you…. two, you can’t control the actions of others or make others happy….and three, learn to not waste time on situations that you can not change, then you will finally feel that release from the abuser that we all search for at 3 a.m.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Chad! It’s like you read my mind writing this post! I am currently trying to heal from a bunch of childhood issues myself and I am thinking about doing meditation and it’s beliefs. Do you mind sharing what exactly did you do after you decided to practice? Did you do meditation alone? Did you join groups in your community? I would love to hear about it as i am preparing to do this too.

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