After Narcissistic Abuse – Focus on What Feels RIGHT to YOU


Some people have the opinion that if you talk about narcissism or things the narcissist did, that you’re not focusing on the “right” topic. Well, the last I checked, BEING RIGHT only matters to certain types of people (control freaks)- which doesn’t exactly put ANYONE in the position to decide for someone else.

We ALL have freewill and as long as we show empathy and fairness (towards ourselves as well) we have the right to exercise our freedom to decide WHERE we want to focus.

We talk about narcissism and what narcissists did to us in order to:

1) Validate Eachother

Which is HUGE to targets. We were isolated and told we were
crazy amongst other things we were NOT. The only reality
we heard was from the narcissist, through their
propaganda that was pumped into our solitary confined cell
about how great the narcissist was and how awful and
defective WE were and to blame for all the things that went
“wrong”. Like having feelings. Or disagreeing with a narcissist.

It is in comparing notes with other survivors that WE KNOW
THIS is EXACTLY where we belong to heal.

2) To Vent and Release Our Emotions as We Move Through
the Grief Cycle

This abuse is insidious. The confusion lasts a LONG TIME.
As we gain understanding, we GRIEVE. Every task we
undertake in recovering, is A GAPING HOLE OF EMOTION.
Just when you think, Ahhhh Feeling better; Im on top of
tossing and turning along the ocean floor once again,
back to the darkness in the beginning, and we panic!

I believe it is the UTMOST frustrating aspect of this
cycle that we’re so used to, in the past, deciding to
“break up” or “end a friendship” or “remove yourself
from certain family relationships” and just being DONE
WITH IT and not struggling much with any after effects.

Narcissistic abuse? It’s the “gift that keeps on giving”.
Nearly everytime we experience the emotions associated
with a certain aspect of the abuse, we have to then
process the whole OTHER layer that exists: the fact that
NONE of this was GENUINE on the part of the narcissist.

Grieving a phantom person and phantom relationship…
Try THAT on for size. Whoever the narcissist “IS” in any given

We’re duped to believe we’re “special”, that we’re loved and
seen by the narcissist, because they REALLY put a lot of time
into studying and mirroring us.


The more we KNOW about how a self centered narcissist THINKS AND BEHAVES (CONS)
We WILL be learning how to recognize these tactics in others in our future. So that we can do a GREAT job protecting ourselves and our valuable lives from the emotionally criminal tactics of a sociopath. We are SERIOUS when we say we NEVER  want to go through this again. We know the difference when we’ve just given lip service and when we mean it; I’ll just simply say, “WE MEAN IT”.

Sharing the knowledge of of how to spot a predator whose main purpose in life is  to hunt for people to feed from, is not only a public service, but a DUTY.
If we can share one tidbit of descriptive information to say, “Notice the
name dropping?” Or “Why all the cheating while he’s married?” that SPARKS a
reality to a potential victim that has them become EMPOWERED to walk away
from a narcissist that is HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGE!

If you don’t think so, just ask all the people who by realizing their spouse was a narcissist or their toxic sister was a narcissist, if the knowledge literally saved their lives; and their souls from the brink of destruction.

No ONE person has the CORNER on knowledge about narcissism nor on the way to healing after being abused by one. If they claim to have “the only answer”, pay a little closer attention to the other levels of narcissism in this “guru”. We all know how leaders who begin with “honest intentions” “suddenly” turn into cultish despots.

In the end, this journey has taught us most that WE CAN RELY on OURSELVES. We can trust ourselves to focus on the “right things” at the “right time”. That’s for US to determine, not anyone else.

Posted on November 9, 2013, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 21 Comments.

  1. i like to share because it might help someone has no power over me anymore.karen


  2. I’m so glad I’ve found this. I don’t think I have to try killing myself anymore. There’s another way. It wasn’t me… thank you.


  3. Marie,
    I just read your comment and I wanted to tell you that I believe the temporary setbacks are very much a part of the healing process with Narcissistic Abuse. I am hopeful that I may be able to give you some insight that has been helpful with my own recovery from Narcissistic Abuse at the hands of a psychologist I had taken my 2 young children to see for counseling. For me personally, the time period after the abuse ended, but before I learned what Narcissistic Abuse was the most painful. I would make a little progress and then something would trigger a setback. Normally, the trigger would be something that occurred that would arouse intense emotion in me- in particular, grief. I would get so upset with myself when I would encounter a set back because I would think it meant I was never going to get over what happened. It turns out those setbacks can be a very normal part of healing. I think at some level, victims remourn the loss of the relationship they thought they had with the abuser (since abusers are very talented at giving a very false image of themselves when they are sucking the victim in- called the grooming period). The victim can’t usually believe that the person she saw at the end of the relationship is the real person inside that body. She keeps hoping that the one she knew before will come back. One of the biggest problems is that this type of abuse is so poorly understood that the victim lives in near isolation after the abuse. It seems like everything she feels is abnormal because no one seems to understand it. When you try to talk to other people about it, they either don’t understand or they think they understand and they offer advice that is utterly painful to the victim. The truth is that there are people who do understand you, they are just a bit hard to find. After I left the abusive relationship with the psychologist, I too was scared half out of my mind to begin seeing a new therapist. I think I just got to the point where I could see myself totally self destructing if I didn’t do something. I began seeing a new therapist- I made sure I saw a female this time (not that this can’t happen with female therapists). Although she was supportive, she did not really understand Narcissistic Abuse and so my patterns of ups and downs (just like the ones you are describing) seemed to be a mystery to her. One day I found a site that offered information for people who had been abused by therapists and that’s when the Aha!” moment happened. I found words like Malignant Narcissist, gaslighting and trauma bonding. Probably to most people those words are scary, but to me they were a relief. There was something that explained what happened to me. Prior to learning those words, I would replay everything in my mind over and over again looking for something I missed or something I could have done to have changed the outcome to what happened. Nothing made sense. I would like to offer a suggestion since there are some commonalities to situations you and I encountered (abuse at the hands of someone who we should have been able to trust with our lives). I read a book entitled, “Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity”. It was the turning point in my healing process because it explained the strengths the victim has that were purposefully targeted by the abuser. It seems like after abuse like this, victims are led to believe they are dysfunctional in some way (the abuser does a great job projected all of their crap onto us). The truth is that you are an incredible person and someone sought to destroy the qualities about you that made you so rare.


  4. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for just over a year , it has been almost 4 months since it finally ended . I still struggle on a daily basis to get myself back and feel comfortable in my own skin again . All my old friends and family do not understand why I am not able to logically understand he was sick and just get over it . The trauma and depression I have felt has been overwhelming . I struggle to understand why I ran by red flags and just how these people can be so intoxicating . On a deep level I question how I attracted such a person and let him get himself in a position of power over me . I am a strong women , and have had relationships before , but never with someone evil like this . I am looking at what in me was open to a relationship with a person with such traits . My gut did tell me something was wrong but like so many others I thought love could heal him and there was a future there . It’s amazing how the old me got lost somehow and trying to get on solid ground again seems so difficult . I do believe NC helps a lot . I hope to feel comfortable again and not be bitter . My love and prayers to everyone out there struggling to find themselves and feel whole again . I do believe its possible and doing the time ( healing ) is a slow process and as you reflect you gain a little bit of yourself back everyday . Love to you all .


  5. Weirdly my narcissist isn’t letting me go. He has started a relationship with someone he says won’t last. He says he has to be with her cause he can’t be alone. He tells me he will leave her in a second if I come back. He has asked me back as long as I am the person I was. I have been going to a relationship coach so I can heal.


  6. I read this as an inquisitor. I think I am in a relationship with a narcissist. It hurts. He cannot show up emotionally because he has been busy nursing his childhood wounds, while pointing his finger that I am the bane of his existence. He has backed himself into a corner and wants what he wants. He seems unable to connect to the moment of mediation, to work things out successfully. His wrath, his contorted face, belies any love we did share…36 years worth. I question, why do I wish to convince him of his ways? What would happen if he did not agree with my perspective…and what if I did not agree with his? Couldn’t we still be lovers of kindness? I need to face the reality that this is a no win situation, and proceed with a failed relationship as my marker. Feels so bad. Wanted success.


    • I’m there with you my dear. 34 years + 6 when dating. I don’t know what to do either & tonite was really bad. After the fight & me heaving my guts out in the toilet bowl I just felt like going outside & laying in the snow & to be done with it all. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on line about narcissism & learning tools from my therapist & really trying hard, but from all I read, there is no happy ending. I feel bad too. I also wanted success.My very best wishes for peace to you, to all who read this, & to all us victims of the narcissist.


  7. I’ve been in this mess for over 4 years. My narccisist was a ministry leader. A counseling ministry leader. I’m glad I read this because I Was doing better and now have crashed again. And I’m feeling and thinking that I will never be ok. And I don’t have friends that I can talk to about it so I keep trying to deal with it on my own. It’s not like I can go to a counselor……Anyway, at least I know that being ok and then crashing isn’t unusual.I’m learning alot here. Thanks for all the articles.


    • It is comforting to know that the grieving and the healing from a relationship with a narc takes time…….a lot of time and that the healing comes in waves. I read on this subject for hours every day. I get some relief from learning about this hideous personality disorder and the effects it has on the victims. Learning how they think has been enlightening; however, it still makes me sad for the man (or should I say my fantacy man) I have loved since I was 10 years old! It makes me sad to think how good it could have been if he hadn’t been so sick. I can still blame myself when I know I shouldn’t so it’s back to the reading about NPD and the damage it’s done to me. I do pray for my narc every day knowing that only God has the power to work a miraculous healing on this man. I guess I should stop praying because it keeps him on my mind, but I figure if anything good could come of this heartbreak it is that I can be his prayer warrior. Maybe that was my purpose for being with him. I pray for all of you who are devistated from the abuse caused by being in a relationship and loving a narcissist. Each day is one step closer to finding your soul and the ability to feel joy and love again. God bless!!!


  8. thank you, thank you thank you, I am going trought similar experience, thank you for having the worlds i dont have.


  9. I am currently in the thick of a narcissistic relationship with the biggest liar on the face of the universe. He lies so much I think he even believes his own lies! Convinced that every story and excuse is an airtight get-out-of-the-doghouse free pass, even while knowing he’s dead wrong, he argues with me and calls me out of my name (retarded, asshole, dumb ass, etc.) for not “believing in him.” Secret cell phones, getting out of the bed in the middle of the night to call other women, staying out all night, and coming home drunk are just a few of the issues I have been dealing with for the last 4 years. To make things worse, his family covers for him (mainly his mother and sister), and thinks he’s absolutely GREAT! Women have taken care of him his whole life. He’s completely able-bodied, yet refuses to work and collects a disability check for less than $700 per month. He’s 40 years old and in response to being tired of hearing my mouth every day, decided to enroll in school this past Fall. He is doing very well in school, but I have no hope that it will benefit him in the long run because he’s too lazy to put in the work to get a job or open a business. I’m at my wit’s end. I want him out of my house but he’s not going peacefully. I have started the process of going through the court to evict him.


  10. This site has literally saved my life also. I wake up to the severity of the abuse every day – in all of it’s forms. The more I realise the more i grieve and i know the information in these pages has saved me from ever making contact again. Pls keep up the work for anyone else who is lost in that hell hole and for those still climbing out the well. Thank you.


  11. lovedandfavored996

    Yes!!! Thank you for encouraging to keep the lines of communication open.


  12. this site saved my life.


  13. This site is excellent but I do WISH the emphasis was on PEOPLE as victims ! And a little on the PEOPLE who’s partners LEAVE them!.. This happend with me and I STILL doubt myself severly.x


    • I try Dan, I really do! Men CAN and ARE the targets of this abuse also. Because I am female, I just gravitate naturally towards the HE pronoun because my abuser was a he. However, my original abuser was a SHE (my mother). It’s just laziness on my part, my empathy extends JUST AS EQUALLY to men as well. Ill try to be more thoughtful going forward. You are JUST as important to my writings as are my female readers.


  14. Reading these words helps me to remember why I have this burning desire to keep talking about this. It has been the worst abuse I have ever experienced. Being able to be gentle with myself now when I feel like I’ve taken two steps back in this process has been crucial to my ability to have enough strength and patience with myself to keep going. Before I realized the severity of what I went through I would get so mad at myself for not being able to just “get over it”. We must keep talking about this so that the countless victims who are still searching for some understanding of what happened can find answers to give them strength. Thank you ANA for continuing to light the way for victims everywhere!


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