What I used to call the “Love of My Life” I Now Call: “The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse: The Idealization, The Devaluation and The Discard”

When I look back at my life, just prior to the narcissist – I was a happy woman.

My children were leaving home, I was modeling, auditioning for a couple of tv shows, was considered, kind, gentle, loving, a great girlfriend to a few very nice men – bright, articulate, and above all else, HAPPY! I was often complimented on my very hearty, genuine, belly laugh – and how I always had a smile on my face or was always laughing.

When the narcissist entered my life – he came CHARGING IN! Immediately sweeping me off my feet – I didn’t even know what hit me. LITERALLY. I was boosted so high off the ground (that proverbial pedestal that were put on during a narcissist’s wooing operation”)

Yes, truth is he was married. (Boo hiss at me all you want – I KNOW this was very wrong, very much so and have made my OPEN AMENDS, begged for God’s forgiveness and vow to NEVER EVER make this kind of decision again. Promise. – so save the preaching for someone more recalcitrant)

The story I got, was a complete line of sympathetic, sad, narc bs. He was not “in love” with her – she never made him feel the way I did…he should have never married her…if it weren’t for the kids, we’d already be together…blah blah…It got worse as time went on) But he magnificently orchestrated the role for me that I was the LEAD HEROINE (savior complex on my part – blech) and about to save him from a loveless, sexless, happiness void life.

If you can see now with the 20/20 Vision I too possess, we know this to be his IDEALIZATION of me – the first step in the cycle of a narcissistic relationship.  We can clearly see also, that I ALLOWED his behavior and wooing to puff me up. (Ego on my part – as well as the betrayal of the sister bond – of falling in “love” w/ a married person)

I had responsibility back then. I just didn’t ACCEPT it or ACT on it.

I was also falling into the spell of a very strong manipulative influence: a narcissist.

Narcs are engaging. They’re entertaining and believable. The narc in my case makes a living from acting. He’s a hype guy. He hypes himself and plays a certain “character” on his show.  He’s skilled at this pretending and SELLING people on whatever it is he’s peddling.  He often told me that the products he hypes for people he doesn’t use (ok, call it advertising – I call it lying. Again – two different worlds).

Narcs charisma & coming on strong can appeal to anyone – for who doesn’t want to think that we are so awesomely wonderful that someone else – goes gaga over us so deeply and apparently so strongly? I had NO CLUE; NONE WHATSOEVER that I was being love bombed. I do NOW; now that I know to question this type of pedestal placing and intense whirlwind.

I would say the stage of idealization lasted for approximately the first 6 – 9 months. During that time, another woman he had cheated with approached me with her story – we confronted him. Yet in the end, he wanted to “get rid of her” (his words) and asked me to help him. Good God, this was my 5,000th red flag with him…of course, this woman was a “psycho” “super fan” “listener” – blah blah – I knew it was BS – but I believed (more ego) that it wouldn’t happen to me; not like THAT.  All this was, was my unwitting enabling of the discard of another of the narcissist’s victims. In the end, I tried to go back and apologize to her for this – but she had turned coat and went back to collecting free concert tickets from the narc. And well, I don’t blame her for dissing me.

The Devaluation Stage – began after we started seeing eachother regularly. It seemed that whenever I expressed my needs or feelings to the narc that the emotional abuse began – by his discounting them, forcing me to stuff them, always dominating the conversation until he “had to go!” He belittled my emotions by telling me I was silly, or causing me to doubt different perceptions I had of his behavior. I just could NEVER, I mean NEVVVVVVVVVVVVER confront him on his behavior and / or get RESOLUTION.

It was horrible. That very part of it was the absolute worst feeling as a human being – because your whole sense of what you’re worthy of (and you’re encouraged to do so) is all tied up in someone who used to think you were the BEST at EVERYTHING!!!!

Suddenly I couldn’t do ONE THING right. I couldn’t talk right, feel right, look right, do yoga right, talk to him on the phone right, not add the right people on fb, or delete the wrong ones, or look the other way when I’d catch him flirting and CHEATING… (I know…I’m not obtuse; hypocritical of me) but – it hurts nonetheless, he told me we had an “agreement” based on soul mate love. I believed him. I wasn’t proud of the fact that I felt insecure about his dirty, man whore ways – or that he was married. I had some serious denial going on – but still experienced the feelings of devaluation during these behaviors.  Every single thing I did, except sex (exploitation) was criticized, belittled and shamed. And…even though the sex wasn’t complained about – he reduced me to that being the ONLY thing I could do right (hmm…) and then, told me that, that is all guys wanted me for. (Projection) Sad that the guy had to ruin my entire perspective on life, love and safety – just to get a piece of ass from me while tricking me into thinking I was the love of his life.

The self-doubt that was created by his invalidating and devaluing everything about me, prepared me for everything that came next. I call this the ODD DEMAND AND REVEALING stage. It’s definitely part of the devalue, but it starts getting sadistic. He KNEW he had me at this point so started asking for bizarre sexual things OR talking about crazy things, or revealing his own insecurities  that he KNEW I’d been pretty conditioned to not feel ‘WEIRD’ about or be shocked by:

Sex with his bf, Threesome with my gf,  pictures of my daughters (underage) behinds – other requests as well. Those are the ones I remember specifically. Confessions of being fired from therapy repeatedly, work issues, tests revealing lack of empathy, other peoples contempt towards him…confessions of past sins (which weren’t near as disturbing as those I heard from many colleagues and former victims after the fact).

His verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive, jealous, possessive, controlling & stalking behavior towards me increased. Others around me, my family & friends started noticing ISOLATION on my part. Where I was previously always out & about getting myself into the oddest of social situations – and enjoying that in my life…I was now, HOLED UP at HOME. By myself – with my blackberry or computer – just waiting for his message or call.

I was LONELY. I would be at home for all of those 3 years – wanting to hold hands. Go out to eat. Be romantic, sleep till noon together – you know…Normal couple things.  He did step up and began taking me out. Again, it always had a strange twist to it, like he was REALLY ENJOYING, almost getting caught. Like he got a HIGH off of it.

He’d give me free tickets to concerts – as well as my kids, friends, family. One event, we were getting our tickets at the window and his marital partner walked up. I texted him – and said, what had happened – he began getting a charge out of it, telling me that he got me and my family better seats than he’d gotten for his wife and mother. This is a very painful memory & very telling of the sadistic pleasure narcs get out of PLAYING PEOPLE.

He said that he liked, that I knew all this “bad side” to him. He took me to work events. A movie premier, and then introduced me as a listener that wanted in the movie free. So we’d sit with each other and he’d touch me slightly with his coworker next to me. We’d go to Yoga class together. He’d lay on the mat beside me and reach over and stroke my hand, or mouth the words, “I love you” to me. (ahh, sad. I actually just felt sad about that). Oh did I think that was such a special moment. I thought, this guy would NOT be taking these risks with me, if it wasn’t special or REAL.😦

Fast forward, this sadness lasted for 3 long years.

The discard wasn’t just a quick, process when I look back on it. He was planning it for approx 6 or 7 months. I figure he’d probably started seeing someone new at the time, so his only concern was how he was going to ‘GET RID OF ME’ without me spilling his secret.

I want to say something about that. For a narcissist, who thinks they’re “so smart” about strategy…all he would have had to do to win my silence was SHOW ME A FUCKING OUNCE OF RESPECT. (Sorry about the F word, you know I rarely use it – but this deserved it) No joke, I tried SO MANY MANY MANY times, to say, let’s be adult about this: I love you. You love me. Let’s just go our separate ways now, peacefully – and one day, who knows. If it doesn’t work out for your own reasons, get a divorce and come find me. I just wanted a NICE ENDING.


The short of the devaluing stage in my case was that the narc set it up to look like I was stalking/ harassing him. (I wasn’t. But YOU KNOW how a smear campaign works) He continued to see me, love me, ask me to go to marital counseling with him, tell me he left his wife, called me 20 times a day, blah blah) but he had an active injunction against me (his CON move) I was silly not to insist he get that bogus injunction removed (he told a judge that I threatened to kill his wife & kids or some crazy bologna) – he told me- ASSURED ME (lied to me) that he’d get it removed – that he’d drop it if it ever affected me but that “he had to play the best offense is the best defense” routine. Anyway…I was naive & ignorant to the state of the “law” regarding injunctions (at the time) and thought – oh this will just be cleared up when the truth is revealed in court. HA HAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I chose to share my story about our relationship, he chose to bury me in a smear campaign, “I’ll show you who’s boss” legal nightmare – and I lost my faith in many things and people as a result. To this day, this is probably the worst part about the narcissist’s nightmare on my life – because it’s the one thing- like an ugly SCAR that isn’t my own – like a branding of a 666 on my life – that I can’t just erase from my psyche. And I’m sure the narc intended it that way. I’ve told you all before – when I was at a low early on, I asked my daughter why it felt that once the narcissist entered our lives, why it felt like there was a black cloud over us. Her answer has so stood out to me, as for out of the mouths of babes, comes the TRUTH:


Not only was this an authentic view of what transpired, but it was very validating that I had a WITNESS to the evil. I didn’t “tell her to describe it like that” She made a value judgment; and that was, that we’d faced evil on earth.

I quickly went out and did smudging and soul tie breaking – which speaking of soul tie breaking – One of his former victims came to me, she THANKED ME and said that she had been suffering silently for YEARS over the continual games he played with her emotions.  She said that the very day that she went for a soul tie breaking ceremony for the narcissist  she read my story and knew it was “a sign” that she was FINALLY FREE!!

What’s amazing when I look back, now with clarity of thought and knowledge of narcissism, My “story” is not all that “special” or RARE. I was just a girl – pretty naive, had a dark underground basement of narc upbringing and training – that I’d thought I’d taken care of – but narcissists have that special key to open your “crazy cellar” and so it is – I got another chance to deal with and look at “my STUFF”.

I’m a make lemonade of out lemons girl – and as BAD as that narc wanted to BREAK ME…he didn’t BREAK ME. He pushed and pushed, and nearly pushed me to hell – (I think every narc victim thinks about suicide at one point or the other) – but GOD INTERVENED!!! He held me! He comforted me and he made me some pretty solid promises about things that I choose to feel GREAT about and have faith in!

I’m ok with the fact that narcissist’s want to continue to take up the space on earth they do – Im a humanitarian. God will weed these people out of the garden – in the meantime, maybe we could just institute a LEASH LAW.

(I apologize if any pit bulls get offended from this comparison)lease

Posted on August 20, 2013, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 30 Comments.

  1. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. I was with my ex boyfriend for 6 years only to find out the truth about his BPD disease. It’s a very long story but I was always a strong, intelligent, independent woman. These men prey on “caregiver” type woman and suck everything they can out of them. They are also called “emotional vampires”. I recently just found out he has been sleeping with a young girl who barely just turned 18. He was just with me two weeks ago, we had the best weekend ever, incredible sex. Then he leaves and ignores me for a week. Then starts texting me all this bs like I’m such a terrible person, I’m crazy, I’m cheating, blah blah blah. Last night I found fully naked pics of this girl in his bedroom. I’m absolutely disgusted. This girl is his sons age….he is 39!

    Any advice? He is crazy. I don’t want him to come after me. I don’t know what to do but he is a terrible father and I feel the mother of his 14 yr old daughter (who is a bff of this girl) deserves to know.

    He already beat me and broke 4 bones in my face. I never pressed charges and regret that since.

    Any advice?

    Thank you all kindly.


  2. Robin Humphrey

    Thanks for sharing your story. The similarities are do identical to mines. I was the other women while he had a main girlfriend, he filed two false protective orders to keep me from exposing him or finding out about new source of supply and the list goes on. Know one could have said it better then your daughter and that is we signed a contract with the devil. You are an inspiration to all emotionally abused victims by these evil retarded monsters.


  3. This is so close to my story that it sent chills down my spine … I will say that I would rather get punched in the face (yes, that happened in my early 20s so I know what it feels like) than go through an emotionally abusive relationship with the DEVIL, a living breathing soul-sucking vampire that preys on people for Narcissistic supply … I have never in my life met a person so mean … and I hope I never do again. I was brutally raped when I was 15 years old and almost killed, the “Devil” used this as a weapon of destruction against me and said I am going to “r**e” you and would then go whoops I didn’t mean that … terrible man. Being human is definitely a good thing … who knew there were non-humans walking the earth breathing our air.


  4. I loved that ..thankyou for sharing that


  5. Diane, Your ex sounds like mine. I could have wrote your letter word for word. He’s not from NJ is he? I have also felt like writing my ex’s wife. I feel like she deserves to know and ultimately he will give her a std even though he swears he hasn’t slept with her in years. I believed his story about living as roommates with his wife until I saw his wife facebook page. He was very married. Ana you nailed it with this post. They can make a confident, smart women sick with self doubt. Their crazy making, lying, manipulating is the worst kind of abuse. The ultimate devaluation after all the highs makes for a roller coaster that truly makes you physically sick. Getting away from them and never letting them in at any level is the only way to go. Mine will still try here and there and its been 5 years. I pray I never hear from him again as long as I live.


  6. As I sat reading this, I literally had to tell myself to close my mouth. When you stated, “Narcs don’t do nice endings,” I thought I’d fall off my chair. I recalled the many times, during the honeymoon stage, that I told this guy when the time came when/if he could no longer be in the relationship, just tell me. I told him I did not need an explanation (he was married, after all) but wanted to end things in such a way that we’d be able to smile and speak should our paths cross afterward. But, did he do that? Nooooooooooooo!!! The first time he abandoned me, I nearly lost my mind. One day he simply did not return…no text…no call…nothing. It was as though he never existed. He surfaced some months later, just as I was getting better. I was sucked in all over again; and things went downhill from there.

    Then your daughter’s comment about having made “a contract with the devil.” Well, that was the icing on the cake for me. I know exactly what she’s saying. In fact, I have a note in my phone under his name, which I read whenever I need to remind myself there can be NO contact. It reads:

    “The devil ain’t got shit on your narcissistic, antisocial (sociopath) ass. You motto is rightfully “Me first,” as you believe everything is about you. You lack any semblance of empathy or love, and that makes you a very dangerous individual. You truly are as shallow as a petri dish and more toxic than its contents (saw that somewhere). You’re always telling me how I will never figure you out. Well, you are right about that, because you are one twisted fuck.You are the biggest and sorriest excuse for a man I have ever encountered in my life. Actually, you are a real drama queen. Over my several years of going into the prisons and teaching incarcerated women, I’ve never met one more broken than YOU. You give off this false sense of superiority, when the truth is you’re a lost little boy who was severely loathed by your mother, which left you to the loathing of yourself. Yes, that’s right! At your core lies self-hatred and the belief that you are disgusting and despicable–two points on which I agree with you. You keep trying to convince me that you’re a nice person. Ha! What you are is a demonic being, spawned by Satan himself in the darkest corner of the deepest recesses of Hell. Nevertheless, there is one ting you can do that would atone for all the lies, deceit, devaluation, and unprecedented manipulation I suffered as a result of allowing you into my life. It would bless me tremendously if you would just stop breathing and die. That is the only way to ensure that you won’t continue to suck out and devour the soul of not one more woman. As for your wife, my heart literally aches for her. She may think she has some idea who she married, but she has absolutely no clue WHAT she married. I pray the Lord clears the fog so that she may see (spiritually) further than she can look (naturally). Otherwise, you will ultimately kill her because your nasty ass loves riding bareback with whomever you can, even those who have another man coming in the front door as you’re leaving out the back door.”

    I’m actually composing a letter, in which I say all the things I want to say to him. Even if I give it to him, once he deciphers the nature of it, he won’t read it. He will never listen to anything about himself that isn’t palatable to him. I am, however, leaning toward giving a copy to his wife. I’m sure some might say I’m being vindictive, but I know in my heart that my purpose, should I do this, is about protecting her. Even in my adulterous state with her husband, I prayed for this woman. I know it sounds weird, but I feel a bond with her–like a sister wife, so to speak.

    I really need some therapy. Any suggestions?


    • Diane, don’t do it. Don’t waste your time to tell him how you feel about him. Feelings, no matter how good or bad, are the thing that these vampires are craving. Ignoring him is the worst thing you could do to him.


  7. It was hard to read this. It was a description of my last relationship almost verbatim. My Narc wasn’t married but was in a relationship and I didn’t know. She was so hurt, she moved away and I never got her side of things. He was emotionally and verbally abusive and then one day, he hit me. That was the last time I ever spoke to him. I immediately came out publically on what he had done via social media which to this day was one of the hardest days of my life…and also one I’m most proud of because it at least gives the next girl a CHANCE. I got a restraining order and cut off all contact with his friends. It cost me my career and countless friends left my side…but it doesn’t matter. I stayed strong and kept my dignity intact. The saddest thing about Narcs/BPD is he will never stop his destructive behavior. A narc will never be sorry or change his ways. Yes, he will go manic and find his next supply. He will use a new relationship to make you believe you were the ‘crazy’ one by treating her ‘better’ but it doesn’t last and he destroys what loves him time and time again. He still tries to cling to my support and convince others that ‘he didn’t do it’ ‘he’s a good guy!’ ‘I made it up’ etc. He prays on naiive, young, pretty girls and comes on as strong to them as he did me. I know this because he makes sure I do by hitting on my friends. Since he can’t contact me that’s how he takes his jabs. I choose not to react or engage. I do not wish to make him relevant. Thank you for being strong enough to share your story.


  8. Thank you for telling your story, it really helps to know there are loving intelligent people just like me, that have been involved with a narcasist, sadly it took me over 20 years to realise, the pain was immense when it came to an end, but sites like this and posts from others really do help you to recover, god bless everyone that’s posts and helps others to recover x


  9. Thank you again.
    Twenty years after horrible discard and smear campaign (he started locking his bedroom door when his roommates were around and checking under his car for what I assume were explosive devices while we were still going out. He told me it was because his roommates didn’t like him and he thought they were stealing from him..they told me that he had said the same about me) I still struggle almost daily. I can still remember everything..and it still hurts.
    I am married happily but have never told Husband about Ex N.

    I just wanted to say in response to this post. Yes, I think all victims of Narcs consider suicide.

    I actually tried it…but someone found me.

    Please please if you are reading this after a breakup with a Narc…don’t do it.


  10. I am a 51 year young single dad (7 &9) that is a survivor of an severe N. This is my first communication regarding my nightmare. I find many similarities in the stories here. I was blindsided at first; wondering how someone could make you so “non-existent” and then after getting used to that (after a few years), they use the tie-in of the kids to never let you go. At the start of the divorce I was made to be “invisible” and that changed to being invalidated. There is a pattern here that I believe can be understood and used as a tool to defend oneself from an N (and perhaps cause the N to implode). The kids are her conduit to “give advice” and to get a reaction (invalidate) so she knows she is still in control. It all comes down to control. I have learned a tremendous amount about the condition and plan to start a blog for men.


    • I would so look forward to reading your blog! Do you participate in our forum on Facebook?

      I’d love to hear from you – as we need a good strong, male voice on our page who can reach out to the men and describe the narcissistic female personality in ways that I can’t, having never been romantically involved with one.

      Thank you for your comment, and Blessed healing to you!!!


  11. Oh, I got distracted by my rant. Thanks for sharing your awesome story. I so relate, and I don’t judge in the least. I get it. The idealization is very powerful and I too, came from a family where I was to sacrifice for the narcs that raised me. I had no self worth or respect. I am realizing that now. Life is really different. Not good, but certainly different. I am saying no to alot of people’s BS. Not like me. And, I was never PollyAnna, but DEF too much an approval suck. I’m over it……


  12. Hey, I am with all of you! No matter the particular circumstances, it’s all the same deal with a Psychopath. There is no way to rationalize it other than we were targets for evil. So many friends want to shrug this off as he was “selfish, depressed or whatever”, but to have the agenda to disassemble an innocent who only wanted to have a happy family life? I mean, we were 48, second marriage for me, his FOURTH, (shame on me) and we met at church, the place he dropped me off at is not mere selfishness. I felt like I slept with the devil. Bless God that your daughter saw that. My kids think I “just need to get over it and move on.” Well, it’s not that easy. I wanted cupcakes and kittens Christianity, when what I got was the face of the Devil in my life and no way to cope. I believe I had this experience to wake up. Evil is real My husband left me for some 65 yr old that he met on some sex swapping website(gross), as well as dating the granddaughter of the owner of his company, our massage therapist, his 3rd exwife and two men, and that is all I know about! I can’t even bring up the massage parlors and internet porn. I mean, it’s UNREAL. I can’t tell anyone about this, because, it’s so off the grid, who would believe me? And, I think that’s his point. His depravity is so outrageous, he uses it to make me the fool. So, I just share it here. My point is, only true evil behaves like this. He discarded us without any explanation (long story), NC is a piece of cake as he has “moved on” without any regard to me and the kids, he is just waiting for me to file, God forbid, he would take any action. He would freak if anyone knew all the stuff he was doing. But, they love a good con, don’t they? Don’t back down and make excuses for these people who have such a void that anything can take over. Thank God for our consciences. Thank God we are not dead. I gave myself over too, but I have learned. Now, who are we? I don’t want to die because of this POS either. I stand with you.


  13. OMG…this is my story too. If only I had been…(fill in the blank)…
    Now I just feel stupid. And in an immense amount of pain, longing for who I used to be. ALL I used to be.


  14. For the last 7 years of my life, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Mind you before that point, the warning signs were there. He “forgot” to pay bills. I always had to be on my guard when we went out as I had to keep an eye on how many drinks he ordered, but for the most part, he treated me respect to my face with the occasional shut up (in front of friends).

    Once my son was born (my second child) and his dream job fell apart, things began to get worse. He got a new job, and purposefully didn’t arrive home in time to celebrate my birthday. He would get drunk all the time, and then hide the bottles while slurring that I was crazy he was sober. We never had enough money, but my parents who live in the same town bailed us out, time and time again. He seemed perfectly okay with it. When he would get new jobs, he refused to pay them back. Truly, we didn’t (ever) have a lot of money, but we had a little extra. When I would try to discuss this with him, he would say “not now” or use some horrible language towards me. I learned not to discuss finances with him. I didn’t want my children to think that being spoken to that way was okay, or speaking to a female that way was okay.

    In the last two-three years, any outlet that I had was taken away. My daughter plays competitive softball, and that was my excuse to myself why I couldn’t go to my bunko groups, girls night out, working out or sing in the choir at church. I never had time. Truthfully, leaving the kids alone with the father meant I didn’t know what I was going to come home to. He could be drunk (claim he was sober), kids were awake (even though it was 10 o’clock and my son was 3,4, or 5), homework wasn’t checked, and the house was in disarray. (I was the only one who cleaned by this point, and I really never had time for that either as I was doing EVERYTHING else. Softball cut down on the emotional abuse as he felt better about himself as my daughter excelled. He began coaching which further stroked his ego, and life was bearable. Sad that bearable was good enough. I knew, however, that I wanted out, but I never had enough money. I was perpetually robbing Peter to pay Paul, fundraising to support our softball habit, and attempting to get ahead on the bills and build my credit. The verbal abuse continued when he didn’t get his way or I attempted to hold him accountable for something. My parents were also against divorce so I had no support system.

    This spring and summer, we lost our home and had to move into my parents house, he subsequently lost his job under suspicious circumstances, and wrecked his car (which he was driving without a valid driver’s license – 2 unpaid non-moving violation tickets). He went into a downward spiral. The verbal abuse escalated. While trying to make it so I could drive, I figured out there was someone else when I innocently looked down at his phone at the clerk of courts, and I saw a text that said “oh baby, I’m so sorry.” Due to my self–respect and general need to be classy, I didn’t confront him.

    Finally, a month ago, I had him Baker Acted when I came home after being out for 4 hours at a wedding, and he was almost unable to stand up. Thank God the kids were at a sleep over. I confronted him and told him, I was going to lose his kids if he kept this up. He then attempted to “kill himself” using tools from the tool drawer (not the knives that were on the counter.) He fought me over attempting to make the 911 call, I apparently drew blood on his hands and neck fighting to keep him from ending his life. It took a full 3 days for him to be released from the facility, of course, he didn’t make me his hippa contact so I got very little information except he had benzine (which is Xanax and has no prescription for) in his system plus the alcohol. He was released into the other woman’s custody. My kids went on dates with them while we were married by the way (they innocently told me that was his “best friend”.) They have since moved in together in a 2 bedroom apartment which means my 10 year old has ascertained that they are “sleeping” together.

    He is fighting me for 50% timesharing. I am standing firm. I keep reiterating to him that he tried to kill himself, he stole alcohol and pills from my parents, and he responds by being cruel. :He is fine. He is going to be a volunteer counselor he did so much good there. Seriously???? He is withholding money from me. He is refusing to get a real job I am sure to keep the child support at a minimum. The kids are living with me, and I refuse to let them stay overnight. His whore is paying the bills and picked the location of their apartment which is no where near their school or activities (25 miles away). The laws in Florida only protect the children from abuse, and I truly can’t keep them away from their father. I am doing my best to put up a strong front that “Daddy and Mom both love you, but that’s all we have in common right now.” I will not disparage him in front of the kids. He’s going to damage them enough psychologically as it is. I will not help that.

    I am starting therapy this week. I need help with deciphering his crazy and the projections, and the life he has stolen from me. Four weeks separated, and I am starting to gain quite a perspective. I have lost so much of myself. I went dancing the other night, and I almost cried. I love dancing. Why did I allow myself to give up what made me me? I hope to make the determination because I am not going to ever do that again.


  15. I enjoy and share many of your Facebook postings, but I had never read your story. I did not even know you have a blog, but now that I do I will link to it. I think you having the courage to share your experience will help a lot of hurting people. It is truly amazing how many people are experiencing this. I have also noticed a lot of times, but not always, narcissists have ties to or family histories of secret societies.


  16. When you wrote


    That did it. I broke down. I remember a time my dad asking me, just go and start life some place new. But I stayed to fight for my children, it’s by the grace of God, I keep it together. But those words are powerful.


  17. I meant to say, the father of my children used the same lies on his second wife. I was the first.


  18. – oh this will just be cleared up when the truth is revealed in court. HA HAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    I really enjoyed this. It made me laugh, not because it’s funny (it’s awful), but because you write well. I know about the narc setting it up to make you look like the stalker,(even while still pursuing you and asking you to marry him, and while seeing someone else), I know about people letting you down,and I know about “I’ll show you who’s boss” this goes on forever if you share children with them. It’s horrid! I know about the no endings. I get everything you are saying. It’s like reading my own story, and makes me sad for the new victims. I’ve had two of these relationships. One I had children with, the other I did not. They are both the same, and do the same things. They both have new targets, and they both lie to their new targets about me. I am watching my own story happen afresh to others right before my eyes. And it’s not the first time, I’ve sat back and watched it. The father of my children used the same lies, and the same tactics on his first wife, sending her insane, and making her believe I was some kind of monster and the reason for all her troubles. I have learned to lay low and stay soft no matter what the new targets do, (as disgusting as these women can be, especially when it involves my own children), but I don’t play his stupid games, and I hold him accountable. I won’t cat fight with women, while he stands back and enjoys the show. I won’t take his bait, no matter what he throws, (and he throws some pretty sever things) and his hatred towards me increases daily because of this. I won’t let him change who I am anymore.
    Great article!


  19. Yes they are parasites that need a host to survive off. I was once that host. I am totally narcissist free now but i can identify with everything said in your article because i was once taken to hell and back. But you have to keep the faith and keep strong and know that there is something better in life waiting for you.


  20. That is what was so profound about particular writing. How you went from being a strong happy person, as I was to being consumed by this person, this process and having those qualities taken away. Sandra L. Brown who has done extensive research on this topic says that our brain chemistry is changed and that is why it is so difficult to recover from it. You also identified your weaknesses which is what I’m doing in order to not get caught up in something like this again. Although, I do not blame myself because Cluster B Disordered Individuals are very good at what they do and anyone can be taken in. I am praying for protection as well. Sensing the darkness as your daughter did is not something I ever want to invade my space again. Best🙂


  21. Thank you so much for writing this. I just did a huge inventory like this tonight. I came to the same conclusion, I was literally in the grip of an evil being. I won’t even call him human because humans do not set people up and pretend to bond with you in order to suck out whatever emotion and light you have in you and then trample you into the ground. I believe these things are inhabited by something evil and believe me I don’t say that lightly. I’m so grateful that you have the courage to write you story and share it. I’m telling you reading it right now confirmed to me that I am not alone in what I went through. I will survive and thrive again. That bastard will not bring me down although I came pretty close a couple of times. All Blessings to you and your family. Leslie


    • I agree Leslie, I don’t say it lightly either. And! He was the FIRST human being I EVER heard call someone else, “Evil”. Now that I know, Narcissists project their flaws onto others – the evil shoe fits him and him alone.

      Im so glad that my honesty, allows you to see the details of how I was hooked, the mistakes I made, and the way that I completely lost all sense of my former self – when I had always thought I was such a strong person.

      We’ve both obviously learned that strong people can bend REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY far, without breaking. They weren’t able to rob us of THAT!

      Continued blessings to you and your family as well.

      Keep walking the healthy path – in Truth❤


  22. This is such an amazing and honest account. I had to read it twice and have been in tears both times. You are one of my best friends. This is so true and so universal. How sad. Is there any such thing as a healthy loving relationship? Mine has just ended and as I read your account I know I was in for my second relationship with a Narc so it is good that it ended after 5 dates.


    • Thank you!!! Likewise!!!

      I HAVE to be this raw & honest. If I held anything back, how on earth could I help anyone else see the light. It’s always amazing to me what one piece of honesty many different people pick up on. Truly, it encourages me to keep on telling the whole story.

      I DO BELIEVE there’s such a thing as a healthy romantic relationship. I won’t give up until Im a part of one.

      In the meantime, I have a healthy relationship with everyone I can, friends, family, coworkers and last but NOT least, myself.

      This is a good time to indulge our relationship with peace, functional behavior, respect, self care – because it sets a standard for the way we expect to be treated in a relationship. As long as we believe we DESERVE it, I think we’ll say NO to everything that is not good for us – which is having a narcissist in our lives.

      Ps. A 5 date pick up is pretty good!

      What’d you notice?


  23. Thank you. You have no idea how powerful your words are….just when I’m feeling weak and sad about my Narc…it helps me so much to read what you are writing…it is my life and I was a happy woman. I am free and moving forward to being that happy person again.


  1. Pingback: Narc-essary Vocabulary | Process of Elimination

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