Share Your Story of Narcissistic Abuse

I dated a narcissist for 3 years. 


The beginning of the romance was filled with building me up and telling me how he’d never met anyone like me, how special and different I was, how beautiful, intelligent and funny I was. How happy he was that he’d met me. He very early used the word soul mate, told me he thought he was becoming my stalker and was obsessed with me. Instead of seeing these as warning signs that I now know they are from a narcissistic abuser, I felt surprised and flattered that the guy knew how much he wanted me and how he was so sure that I was the one.

But I trusted that people don’t just make things up. I know that I don’t just make up how much I like a person or how different or special they are without meaning it, so I was a bit naive with these pronouncements.

As the romance progressed and we spent a significant (obsessive) amount of time, courting and getting to know eachother – he called me 20-30 times a day. When we weren’t together, he was telling me how much he thought of me (obsessed) and how much he wanted to be with me.

I can’t recall the moment I felt hooked, but as SOON as he knew I was hooked, is as soon as his “nice guy” mask began to drop. He became very insecure, jealous, possessive, petulant, controlling and demanding. As soon as I needed something from him, like equality, respect, meeting of needs, the desire to have a conversation about “solving” something in the relationship that didn’t feel right or to confront him on lies and discrepancies – he’d go narc on me and BLOCK AND DIVERT.

He’d hang up on me, tell me he couldnt talk, didn’t have the time, tell me to wait, discount my feelings, tell me I was being too sensitive, needy, demanding, high maintenance and then compare me to other relationships and tell me that “no one” had given him these problems before or demanded so much of him. That’s when I started questioning myself or how reasonable I was being. Even though I was frustrated and severely lacking in having my needs met, he was there to tell me that I was the cause of these feelings and to DO SOMETHING about them to fix Me. Im smart and reasonable but Im also very responsible. I felt that if the problem laid within my power, then all I’d do is solve it or tweak it and we’d get along better.

It didn’t work however, and instead, I felt WORSE but was confused as to WHY.

The deeper we got, the more abusive he became. He followed me, showed up unannounced to catch me “cheating”, he’d call my children, spy on me, have people follow me, put a tracker on my car, and every time I’d add a friend on facebook, he’d stalk the person and said he hired a private investigator to research them and he’d then give me a report about WHO the “new guy” was.

All my friends started dwindling. I lost jobs because of him and his harassment. He’d call work repeatedly and threaten to send my bosses naked pictures of me to get me to conform to his demands. I was very isolated. Not myself anymore. My usual jovial, happy go lucky self, was fraught with self doubt and insecurity. I was too afraid to drive down a street because he accused me of going there to look for “men”.

He told me I was good for nothing but sex, would die alone, and never be loved by anyone as he loved me. That made me feel pathetic, sad, lost and very very alone.

My family noticed huge changes in me and told me that he was abusive and that I should leave him. I tried. I broke up with him and changed my number 3 or 4 times in the last year – but he’d use his influence to get my new private number and would woo me back with promises to be different and be with me full time.

He drew my family into his sphere of influence – getting my son in law a job, putting him on his radio show – but then asking him to keep tabs on me, go through my phone, give him details of what I was doing when he wasn’t with me. He paid my kids money to give him passwords, emails, details. He’d give them concert tickets in exchange for details about me when he wasn’t around. I was under constant surveillance in my own home, by my OWN family.

He’d call my kids and ask if I was with men, he questioned, neighbors, friends, kids friends and family – sending them emails, phone calls, texts and showing up at their jobs. He spent alot of time stalking me – and very little time, just being a decent person to me. All the while telling me, how much he loved me and couldnt live without me.

I finally broke up with him and tried to do it in a nice way; telling him that I just needed a break for a few months to figure out what was wrong “with me”. Yes, I thought at the time that it was me.

In the 3 mos after I left, he continued to harass and stalk me. I went to attorneys and domestic violence agencies to discuss his use of his money and social status, that he was a danger to me – that he had actually threatened to have me killed.

I got a restraining order for myself and my children.

He broke into my car, vandalized me, stole my registration, stole my laptop, and  started a website about me and my children – I lost my job.

My life was forever altered. I suffered economic harm, PTSD, legal abuse, false allegations amongst the other crimes he committed against me with NO justice for my own abuse. It changed my views of people, of the system, of evil’s presence in this world and how much the TRUTH can be denied by people that are dupably influenced by con men.


Posted on January 9, 2013, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 25 Comments.

  1. hello my name is Paul Kris i also dated a narcissistic her name tarrah bailey for three years i had known her longer we were best friends for ten so when we fell in love it felt perfect. but it didn’t talk long for her to start telling lies she seems she would always fight and leave mad when i needed her the most she would use that time to cheat on me when she came home she would turn it around and make it my fault. she would use guilt to keep me there i would almost get ready to leave and some how she always made me stay. The last year she totally drained me from every direction. she use to stonewall me some times for weeks when she done that i gave into her game and i would steady text her to come back and talk about what it was that would bother her. well this last time she left she did the same i caught her in lies and she hung up the phone so i did what i knew to do and sent her lots of messages to come and talk she lied to everyone made me seam crazy even called the police on false charges put a protection order against me and has had me arrested 6 times all this because i called her out on her lies it really is destroying when a narcissist is done with you


  2. 1 week ago yesterday I was granted my permanent 4 year restraining order. I brought a witness (the only friend I have left), I also brought pictures of bruises and cuts I had obtained from him. The judge never even asked to see the pics or meet my witness. He showed up to plead his case 20 minutes late , he had to be told by the courtroom sheriffs twice no stop interrupting me while I spoke. When he spoke he slandered me, humiliated me and flat out lied about me. I think he sealed his own fate when the judge (who was reading from my statement in the temporary restraining order that described the abuse I went threw) asked him about a fight when I was 8 months pregnant with our now 3 yr old daughter, in which while screaming at me he grabbed my nipple and twisted it hard – she asked his version of it and he said “that was more of a she should shut up thing and not abuse” was maybe what convinced her to grant it. Or maybe it was when he tried to convince her that when he pushed me into a wall and caused a complete separation of my shoulder that I jumped into the wall and caused it myself because I’m so dramatic. Or maybe it was when he told her I never worked in the 6 years we were together when I was just at work the day before that and have worked as much as I could all 6 years until he would always somehow make it impossible for me to even go to work. Maybe she decided it when he said I didn’t even want to live at the home we lived together in because I always wanted to go live with my ex husband (who I have 2 sons with and have stayed close with as I didn’t have other family) when in reality the truth was that I’ve had to flee my home literally countless times because he was drunk and ranting and raging and breaking thinks and throwing me around and verbally abusing all of us in such an evil, cruel and viscous way that I had never (even in movies) seen the like of. Like the night he woke my sons up at 2 am and made them go to me to tell me what a bitch and horrible mother I am (in that incident I had to run to a neighbor and wake her up w me and my sons on her porch so I could use her phone to call my ex husband for help because my abuser had taken my phone). He has broken I think 7 or 8 phones of mine in rages. He has taken my phone away along with my keys so I couldn’t escape or get help literally countless times. Only 1 time did he hit me, he punched me in the face and broke my nose. Only once did he choke me and it happened to be when I was holding our then 2 month old baby. He says those are the only times he abused me. He says all the countless times he threw me around, pushed me around, dragged me around by my arms, legs, clothing, hoods and hair don’t count as abuse because he didn’t actually strike me. He never drinks anything other than alcohol. He wakes in the middle of the night and first thing in the morning to drink. He has stole my money and my medications. He has verbally abused me to the point that it physically hurt many, many times. He has dumped beers over my head while laughing at me and he has whipped many a beer can at me. He has broken countless items. He has even hocked up phlegm and spit it in my face. He has tried on many occasions to convince me that not even God wants me. He has many times compared me to previous girlfriends saying how much better looking they are, how much better their bodies were and how much better sexually they were. He regularly calls me bitch, retard, useless, good for nothing and a horrible mother. He forced me to have people in our home and at times to live w us that were bad, messed up people. He’s had his mother, brother, and a handful of his friends scream and yell at me as well. And all of the things I have just typed he has done (at various times) in front of others and sadly sometimes my children. I don’t know why I allowed any of this. While typing this I can’t help but feel like a joke that I stayed thru 6 years of this. Also I’ve read a lot of people like him being unfaithful. While I’ve never been able to prove it I have no doubt at all that he’s never been faithful to me. He’s used my phone to contact his ex (who slandered me, stalked me at work) when she showed up at my work she was with a male companion and all my abuser cared about in that situation was about the guy she was with. He was jealous. Nevermind I was being stalked. Shortly after that incident his same ex sent a message to my phone (while I was enjoying watching my children play at a restaurant) asking why he was so jealous of the man she brought to my work to stalk me (she obviously believed it to be his phone). When I asked him about this he accused me of calling / stalking her (which I had not done). Once I was sitting watching tv and I heard a womans voice yelling his name outside our house, when I looked to see who it was – a neighborhood prostitute wearing my clothes. Theres a lot more stories like that each one more hurtful and humiliating than the last. And he till this day defends all these things, saying that I’m crazy, the real abuser, trying to control and mother him (that comes from all the times hes disappeared, came home hours late or not at all and through all of them using my vehicle and phone to do this to me). He has left me sitting at work (you know the job I never had in the whole 6 years he’s known me) for hours. He even once pushed me out of my own vehicle and drove off w my phone and purse and left me, actually now that I think about it he did that twice. He has only had 1 job that lasted 3 months since I’ve known him. Other than that he’s had construction under the table side jobs but it’s not at all uncommon for him not to work for weeks and sometimes months at a time. He has made this restraining order an impossible situation. It took me a whole week to get him out and as odd as it is he wound up calling the police on me while screaming that it’s not my house and because I got tro I wasn’t allowed there. He knew I had an order w his removal but yet still thought he could call the police on me and have me removed. Instead they removed him. He hid in the house when the sheriffs came to serve him with it. The local police wouldn’t help me. I know it was stupid of me to go there cuz he is dangerous, but the only answers I kept getting from law enforcement was that they could only help me if I was in the home and called. Part of this was due to him not going to the door when they tried to serve him and the other part was due to the fact that he had taken all my house keys away and I couldn’t simply unlock the door for the law enforcement. So finally I did it and went in there. I had to cuz I had tried to file one him 3 years ago after being choked and punched in the face and that time he successfully dodged them and never got served and I got sucked back into another 3 years of hell and also the fact that he had ran me and our 3 year old out 9 days earlier with only the clothes on our back and followed us into the corner gas station screaming at me about what a bitch I am and while my daughter and I were standing in line to pay for gas he started saying he doubts I’ll ever have sex again because of what a “disgusting, fat slob of a woman” I am. I remembered that to give me courage to go in my own home to call the police and get him out but he did it for me. All I can say about why I stayed is that in the beginning I had never felt more in love or connected to anyone else and it took me a long time for that to wear off. I didn’t want to believe he was this monster. After 2 years I got pregnant and had already ruined 1 family and by the time she was born he had her to use as a pawn constantly reminding me of how much his family hated me saying they’d pay for a good lawyer for him to get custody and that his friends and family would be witnesses to what an unfit mother I am. I myself have no money, family or friends. I had never felt so alone and scared. He also started saying that he was going to hurt himself badly and tell the police I did it cuz “bitches like me need to see the inside of a cell”. He also threatened he would kill me, slit my throat. He started to tell me he was gonna hurt or kill my ex if I went to him for help again. And I believe him. He also knows that nobody believes this all happened and as I type this it does sound unbelievable. But I lived it and it did happen and its still happening to a degree and sadly I left alot out. I want to say the final straw that made me do it was I felt like a coward of a mother and me allowing my children to go through this was more than I could bare. The last straw was a couple days before I filed when he called my 11 and 9 year old sons “pussys, bitches and mother fuckers” and screamed and yelled for hours trying to throw us out. I made up my mind after those horrible words came out of his mouth to my babies. It has been very scary. He’s now using the police to show up whenever he wants because he keeps refusing to take all his personal items. He’s been texting my 1 friend “who I only became friends w this summer” and telling her everything in the house is his and he’s taking it. Alot of the law enforcement people I’ve dealt w during this have treated me like I’m bothering them and over exaggerating. His friends and family have been contacting my friend and ex husband asking them why am I so mean to guy, all he ever did was love me and help raise my sons and now I won’t even let him see his daughter (which I can’t, he’s never sober, he has drug issues too, he doesn’t have a job, his friends range from gun toating, thug felons to prostitutes and drug addicts) he has no where to live. I will not hand my daughter over to that. Also I’m sure he’ll start a new relationship asap and I have no doubt he’ll do to the new girl what he’s done to me and the days of my daughter being around that are over. I am in the process of preparing a motionto file for court supervised limited visitation. I have also signed off on him paying child support cuz he scares me and I dont want to give him any reason at all to deal w me. This has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. My children and I are due to start counseling next week for the impact this past 6 years have had and I am nothing better than a bundle of nerves who cant eat or sleep or barely bring myself to do anything. Every time I hear a sudden sound I jump, everything startles me and I keep thinking I see him everywhere. And when I do sleep it’s w nightmares and I’ve been watching my 3 year old go thru the same thing. My friend and my ex have been good to me but I feel like them being there for me is exhausting them. And also try as I might it is almost impossible for me to feel any positive emotion at all. I feel scared, humiliated, lost, alone, angry, really stupid for this ever even happening, weak for not protecting my kids sooner, anxiety, depression, overwhelmed, rage, anger, and confusion. I know it is very unhealthy to feel like that and I am also very worried for what my kids may go thru. But I do feel love and it’s the love I have for my kids that gets me out of bed everyday. I know it’s a long process. I just will never be able to understand how one human being could treat another human being in such a way. Sorry for it being so long. It feels good to be able to get that out of me.


  3. I am the mother of not one, but TWO narcissistic sons. The oldest is 22 and the young one is 15. I know typically 15 is too young to diagnose NPD, but he’s shown this behavior since pre-k. Their father was what I think is a psychopath and he abused me mercilessly. I’ve been to the hospital five times over the course of our 11 year relationship. Im guessing this is the source of their narcissism. The 15 year old, Ty, is still young so he doesn’t hide his intentions as well as his brother. His reaction to the Sandy Hook fiasco was “Well, at least it wasn’t me, ha ha. What’s for dinner?” I was disturbed beyond imagination. For the most part, thankfully, he is relatively silent around me. He usually doesn’t talk to me, he just stays on his phone, taking pictures of himself and posting them on Instagram or Facebook. He volunteered ONCE at a homeless shelter, took about 30 pictures and he uploads them on different days to make it seem like he goes regularly. His brother is worse. He keeps yelling at me to fill out papers for his college so he can get “his money” I don’t even know what he means. Now, his apartment had a gas leak so he had to move back in. Two narcissist in one home is horrible. I go to work fearing I’ll have nothing to come back to. They rage constantly. This is one of their arguments earlier.
    Ty: Dude, turn down your phone, I’m doing my homework.

    Fred: ignores

    Ty: Yo! Dude turn it off!”

    Fred: It’s not even on! Shut the f*ck up!

    Ty: It was just on! Get out of my room!

    Fred: No!

    Ty: This is why your poor ass doesn’t have a house

    And it went on with insults. The only time they’re at peace is when they team up on people calling them stupid for their beliefs. Their sister turned out better. She has slight histrionic tendencies. They’re both nightmares for me. Ty wants to be an actor and when I told him to have a back up he accused me of not believing in him. I’m so tired. Does anyone else feel this way?


  4. I just feel a need to write. I am in the process of divorcing the narcissist I was married to for 19 years. Three weeks ago, he kicked me out of our home, literally as I was leaving for work. My husband changed the locks on the only home my 11year old son had ever known. I had to get my son early from school in fear for his safety and we lived in a shelter for 5 days. With help from family, I was able to get an apartment. My crime was standing up for myself.

    Now he has all of our financial resources and the house, which he won’t let me into. My son is grieving terribly and my husband has already asked for a new judge and a delay in starting the legal proceedings. Everything I’ve read about how narcissists behave during divorce is already happening and somehow I am still shocked. He is telling my son to watch to see if I am drinking, scaring my son even more, needlessly, when I am completely sober. He has called my elderly mother and convinced her (at least for a short while) that I am drinking and dysfunctional.

    And I am so worried because this is just the beginning. I am fine at times, but he keeps throwing new problems my way, so I can’t ever let my guard down. He has directly told me that he is going to make everything as difficult as possible and I believe him and finally see him as he truly is, while still having more and more revelations about what was really happening in the past. I am going to have to be so strong, but take it one day at a time, or be overwhelmed by his cruelty. I need to learn how to expect the worst from him and see it as a challenge to overcome. I need to learn to let the pain go, so I can find peace somehow and help my son. I need help and I am going to ask for and accept it where ever I can. I am praying for all of us.


  5. usedtolovemusicmore

    My relationship with a narcissist ended in June 2013 after an intense six-month whirlwind romance. She is a very famous entertainer, whom I was absolutely certain I would be spending the rest of my life with. She asked me to be her boyfriend on our first date, wept with emotion over our lovemaking early the next morning, and was telling me I was the best friend and lover she had ever had within a week or two. We were walking a foot off the ground. We travelled for her career and other business, and had what to me were the most romantic moments of my 40-some-odd year life. She said the same. She wanted me to become part of her children’s lives pretty quickly, but we got some advice from a therapist to do it in as healthy a way as possible….so I thought. I fell in love with her kids and became a consistent friend to them, earning their love and respect along the way. I was brought into every area of her life….being a constant support and sounding board regarding business, personal, children, family decisions. Her family loved me and told me I was the best thing that she’d ever found. In a typical moment of future planning, she was looking to buy a new house about three months into the relationship and stood in front of it with me, arm around my neck, saying, “would you be comfortable here?” A couple weeks later she denied saying it.

    She wrote songs about me that were the most touching things ever done for me. Beyond anything I had ever dreamed possible. It was “pinch me am I dreaming” type stuff. Our sex was far and away the most exciting I had every experienced, and she claimed the same. And then it got closer to the time her record was coming out…all set to go on the road with her (my career allows me to work from anywhere), and she got more distant, focusing on all the parts of that process…planning, photo shoots, video shoots, promotional stuff, interviews, etc… I tried to just be supportive. She would tell me over and over again that she was only growing more attached, loved me more than anything. Two weeks before we broke up she dedicated a song about finding the love of her life to me in front of an audience. She told me in the week before we broke up that no one had ever been so supportive of her career and how important that was for our future, that she and her kids were so fortunate to have found me….and a couple days later, and 4 days prior to leaving to travel for her tour with her, she ended it. No remorse. I was the off-season boyfriend, and it was time to be a superstar again. As I struggled with it, she was off on tour, with zero time for me. She became enraged when I tried to reason with her. Calling me a liar when I reminded her of things that came out of her mouth. Accusing me of things that were the opposite of what was actually the truth. In our last conversation about two months after the break up, she was an emotional robot, and said she actually wished she’d broken up earlier, and that she had just “moved on emotionally” and that the only reason we were ever together was because she was so unhealthy when we met.

    One of the most disturbing things about all of it is that she told me when we last talked that she never told her kids we’d broken up….so, these kids that I tucked in, read to, played with endlessly, took to school, went to school functions, helped with homework, etc….kids who trusted me, loved me back, have now learned that someone they count on and love will abandon them. Here today, gone tomorrow. It makes me sick to my stomach.

    I have been devastated. Not only is she gone, but I have to see her in the media. It’s kinda like getting stabbed, and then beaten up repeatedly while in the hospital.


  6. I know the feeling of how could I be so stupid? I am going through a very hostile divorce with my narcissistic husband. It is very ugly. I think I subconsciously made myself useless to him so he looked else where for companionship. Lucky for me and not so lucky for her. I am sure she still thinks she is the luckiest woman alive. I know who she thinks she is getting and I know who she i really getting. I am learning so much from everybody’s posts. We all share so many similar experiences. I am so glad I am not alone.


  7. I think my late husband was a shy covert N. I spent 20 years being married to man I really did not know. I feel so stupid and am so shattered I will more than likely never trust another man again . When we first met he was sweet, kind,understanding and we shared more than a few things in common. We both came from abusive families and it was nice having someone who (claimed) to understand. We married two years later and ever so slowly and gradually he became withdrawn and frequently dismissive of me. he would frequently make little comments that were annoyingly simple, but yet cutting to the bone. sometimes his subtle abuse was in the form of a nasty song he claimed to like.He always had the same response that nothing was wrong and he was just not a “talker”. As more time went by his shy, reclusive nature began to take it;s toll. I began to question MYSELF as my self esteem was slowly being demolished. I truly loved him, and made every attempt to convince myself nothing was wrong. I always thought it was just his past and our opposite work schedules. He was a man who was very well liked for being “sweet”, “shy”, “hard working”, “dedicated to his job” and “trustworthy”. After I fell into a major depression, he told me he was cheating on me and it lasted for 6 months.He would often kick me when I was already down (so to speak). I did more computer research, and found his( thought he deleted) e-mails to other women. he admitted he tried a few dating sites. I was crushed and to the point of killing myself. I did make a plan to end my life that day, As my husband ignored me and watched t.v, my DOG saved my life. Oscar climbed on the bed with me and put his head on my head and would not get down.The next day I told my husband I was leaving, and he begged and cried for me to stay. I gave him a few months and began my plan to get out of the marriage. Shortly after he became ill and after begging and pleading for him to see a doctor (that fell on deaf ears) I called 911. he died a few months later of advanced cancer. After his death I found out he had been seeing another woman for 10 + years. She considered herself to be his other wife. what a mess-hatred, confusion,betrayal and grief all rolled into one FAKE “marriage”


  8. I met the Narcissist while I was working 16 hours a day as a waitress in an italian restaurant to support myself. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 6 months 4 hours earlier. He saw my vulnerability from a mile away. From that first night, there were signs, but I didn’t see them, because I had no idea what I was looking for. I just wanted to be happy, and feel special. To find someone open and honest, who would love and cherish me as I would love and cherish him. Instead, I got a life lesson I will never forget. Since the night I met him, there has not been one day that I have been away from him. From the beginning, he started his triangulation and behavioural modification techniques…. He pulled everything from telling me how honest, loyal, upfront and awesome he is, to boasting about his sexual prowess, and how I was extremely lucky because there were so many things about me that would have sent him walking away, but he was a changed man, not who he used to be, and he was giving me “the benefit of the doubt.”… He would triangulate between me and one of his ex girlfriends, whom he said was insane, and a drunkard to say the least. It got to the point that he didn’t like the apartment I was renting, so I moved in with one of my friends. That lasted until she said something about how he seemed to dominate all my time, and that it wasnt healthy for him to be with me every waking moment he wasn’t at work. She started charging him money for his staying the night every single night, and she was shocked that I had only known him for 2 weeks at that point. She even begged me to tell him to stay home one night and give me some time to myself. But he has a way with twisting on 21… he calls himself a master wordsmith. I asked him to give me one night to myself, and it was 20 questions as to why, and how insecure he was feeling about me wanting time to myself… huge warning sign there, but I didn’t heed it. Instead, things escallated between him and my roomate that I had to leave. I had known him for less than a month, and we were about to move in together. WOW! I remember now, even as he was putting my belongings into his car, that he started placing demands on me… obligations and conditions that I had to continually meet if I wanted to be with him and for us to work. The old “prove your love” routine. And it was presented in such a way that it was like I was having to prove my integrity to him… Ironically, something else happened at this point that should have clued me in…. I’m not the cheating type. I have never been the cheating type. But I cheated on him with my ex boyfriend. And he found out, and kicked me out, justifiably. The irony is that even after he had another conquest in his bed the same night I left, he was calling me 24/7, demanding my every move, spewing demands and verbal abuse onto me making me feel worse and worse as the days went on… he would dangle the potential for us to get back together and work past my indescression, then withdraw it almost immediately, only to hurt me again. I was so ashamed of myself for cheating and hurting him that I couldn’t see things for what they were…. Something deep in me knew this guy was dangerous, and was telling me to end things in any way possible. But I didn’t listen. Instead, I just apologized to him profusely, and finally said that I was not going to persue him any more, and that I hoped he one day was able to forgive me for my horrendous actions against him, and that he ends up happy. All of a sudden, he wanted to get back together and work things out. Under conditions and severe restrictions: 1) I was to answer any question he asked with complete and total honesty, immediately, no matter what it was, when it was, or how many times he asked. 2) I was to cater to his every sexual demand. 3) I was to make certain he knew my whereabouts 24/7, and was to be 100% available to him at his beck and call. 4) I was to work only in the area he specified, at the job he specified, during the hours he specified, and was to relenquish my full pay to him immediately, for the indeffinate future. 5) It was my responsibility to cook his meals, clean his house, do his laundry, and any other household chore as he saw fit. And finally, 6) I was not allowed to ever question him, whatsoever. In a normal situation, he would get an apology and a goodbye. But my head was so twisted that I felt it was the only way to seek absolution for my heinous crimes. Looking back, it saddens me that I let myself be dragged down so far. It shows how weak I became. This situation went on for 3 years. I was not allowed to speak to my family, or friends. My friends were never allowed over to our home. I was never allowed to go out without him. Anything and everything that did not go the way he expected or better was my fault, and I was berated profusely. His narcissistic rages got more and more severe, so that more and more, would find myself balled up in a corner, crying, feeling less than human, wishing that God would end my life, because I did not deserve to live. I would be made to feel this way over everying from his not getting the parking space he wanted to a bill not coming in the day he felt it should. And even despite all of this, I did my best to make things work with him. I dressed in what he wanted me to wear, my hair and makeup to his specifications. I ate what he told me to eat. Bought what he told me to buy, said what he wanted me to say, when he wanted me to say it, went where he wanted me to go. I did the best I could to cater to his every whim and demand, and never NEVER did I bother him with my needs, because the few times I made the mistake of doing that, all hell broke loose… I was a lying, cheating, insane, abusive snake in the grass worthless whore, weight around his ankles, and how dare I DEMAND his time with some petty bs!!!! That was it, that was the last straw. Something deep inside me snapped back into its rightful place, and I began to question how long I was going to continue to let myself be punished for my mistake. After all, He had made more than one “mistake” himself, and I knew it, although he to this day denies it. I had reached my breaking point, and I wasnt going to take any more. So I started googling ways to cope with verbal abuse. I came across site after site with loads of information on coping mechanisms, but more importantly, I keep seeing the same thing on page after page: Narcissistic Abuse….. So I started researching Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And there it was. Site after site, Blog after blog, entry after entry from victims, each one recounting the past 3.5 years of my life to perfection. Reading the criteria for NPD was like checking off the to do list. Each box filled and then some. Now I knew what I had been dealing with. Evil Personified. Satan in a human form. I had been living in hell. And it was my decision as to where to go from here…. I could continue on in the same way that I had been, until there was nothing of me left, until the fight in me was extinguised, and I had no hope of redemption, or I could say enough was enough, and cut my losses. I made a mistake, I am human. I had paid my dues, and then some. It’s time to go. So I’m leaving him tomorrow morning. NO goodbye, NO CONTACT, and no regrets. I know for whatever weird reason, that there are going to be things about him and our relationship that I will miss. I know this is going to hurt. But is said that God will never give you a cross too heavy to bear. That is my consolation in all this. There was a life lesson given to me, in the way that God saw best fit for me to learn. And it is now my responsibility to take that lesson to heart, learn from it, and correct my life accordingly. This is a second chance. And I’m going to cherish every second of it. Thank you for reading.


  9. My story… I suppose it’s not uncommon for it to be so complicated and long that you wonder how to write it in a “comment” in a blog response?… My life has been hell because of what he has put me through, and for years I didn’t even know it! I questioned my sanity often because he made me believe every hiccup in our relationship was my fault. I was so good at falling for it that we actually appeared to have a very good relationship, even at home. The reason? I did whatever he needed, whatever he wanted, and was the narcissistic supply he needed me to be for 10 years. I didn’t realize that I was losing myself in the process. I was losing my spirit. My life revolved around making him happy despite what it did to me. I never had a bad day because if I did, I was selfish and didn’t realize how bad he had it. There’s so much to my story! Some day, I’m going to spend the time to sit down and write it all out from beginning to end, but until then, if you’d like to read my blog of excerpts of my life with him, check out There are so many of us out there! You are not alone!


  10. Everyone here is referring to their narc Men!!!! I finally got into therapy because of my crazy Sister!!!! Now, 2 years later I am doing better. I am learning to distance myself from her gaslighting abuse!!! I have gone NC, I am calmer,and I am able to see the situation from a different perspective. .I clearly see how she Projects !!! Sick ! The sweet ,mean cycle, denial, lies< Manipulation. I take one day at a time !! Use mindfulness. Prayer. I am not as nervous now that I am away from her.


  11. A narcissistic abuser should carry shame for tearing someone to pieces, but it doesn’t work that way. I don’t know how I managed to gather enough confidence to get rid of him after years of his abuse. They do no wrong – everything is your fault – everything. Looking back, I can’t believe that I let him to that to me, but when you hear the same things everyday, you begin to believe it. It is an absolute horrible way to live. They tear you down little by little, and before you know it, you’re a mess, and may actually begin to believe what they say to you. I feel for anyone who has experienced this type of abuse and manipulation, and my heart goes out to you. I am gradually recuperating from it, but for me, personally, I believe it will take quite some time due to how long that it occurred. They have no feelings, and have left us with feelings that will be forever with us. However, I have faith that we can all become successful eventually in getting these abusers out of our minds, which is where they planted every evil seed they could come up with.


  12. I find myself reading every thing I can find about narcissim.. I divorced my nar in Dec, The last time I spoke to him was Feb when I kissed him goodbye told hime I love you and will see you in the morning weel I never went back and have not talked to him since. You see I left my children divorced a good man and turned my life upside down for this man who I thought was the love of my life, my soul mate. We were high school sweethearts and for 25 years did not see each other and then when I moved back my home town I reconnected with the nac. What a mistake! In the beginning there were red flags but I chose to ignore them I put rose colored glasses on and didn’t take them off for 5 years.He told me that I was the love of his life that he always loved me and new that someday we would find our way back to each other. We had good times together as long as no children were around, I didn’t disagree withanything he said, I fed his ego and give him all the money that he wanted for his alcohl and dope. oh I almost forgot and I did not question him when he slep with his ex wife. so we could still be together today if I agreed to all these terms. lol well today I have my daughter back, I can sleep at night, I’m rebuilding relationships with mu family and friends and my bills are being pain on time.I’m slowly very slowly started to feel better about myself and there are days when for whatever reason I haven’t figure it out yet that I want to hear frim him but so far I have resisted the urge to call him.When ever I start getting that obsessive thought that I must see him or talk to him I read more about Narcs. I pray God please don’t let me call him, I writ on these pages, I call friends and sometimes I just cry. I cant even express the pain that I have suffered and caused from this relationship. I feel numb at times,angry, sad and revengeful. But I know that time will heal all wounds and maybe I may always love him but I;ve decided that it wasn’t me it was him and that he will never love anyone not even himself.I feel sorry for anyone comes in contact with him.Now I must focus on healing and try to figure out why a beautiful, caring and intelligent woman allow herself to end up in a hurricane.


  13. I had never thought I could write on one of these sites. I have been in a narcissist relationship for almost 4 years. She came into my life when she was experiencing her ex-husband leaving her for another woman. She was endearing, captivatiing, and seemed to be all I wanted in a relationship. However, there always seemed to be something wrong I overlooked. I had been divorced for over 3 years and she said all the right things, did all the right things, and thoroughly won me over. Then, after I was hooked, it all changed to who she really was as a person. I always felt she would change back to who she was in the begiinning and she always dangled that carrot in front of me. I am a very spirtiual man and she used that to lure me into her life. I still find myself trying to disregard her behaviors, actions, and ridiculous comments as not being so bad. The hard thing is now she is pregnant with my child, I think. Her family has even been shut out by her and have been a very supportive aspect in my seeing all of her manipulations and lies. Her father suggests on many occasions I should just run. She is dealing with distancing her daughters from her ex and he has tried very hard to get them back into his life with no avail. There have been legal struggles there that continue on and on and she will not relent. She has blocked her daughters from the ex emotionally and I am fearful she will do the same with our baby if it is mine. It is her brother that continually reminds me I should have a paterntiy test to see if the child is really mine. I believed all her stories about her ex, her family, and so called friends who have betrayed her and became her closest confident. I truly drew me into a place I have never been before in my life. I have come to see her true colors and have waivered on several occasions where she has tried to draw me back in mostly for financial reasons. She wants me to take care of her financially without a relationship and makes many threats of legal actions or making it difficult for me to see our baby after she is born. It has been a struggle knowing I may have a child with her but yet I cannot continue a relationship like that anymore. I have put forth boundaries with her and when they are crossed I put them up protecting myself from her wrath. The baby is due in a few weeks and she has been diligent about being healthy and taking care of herself physically during this time. I have given financial support for the child to help alleviate her costs until she is born. Her family has warned me not to support her as she is not very good with managing money and spends it freely and does not save for when it is needed. I know in time it will be better and recently she has wanted me in her life, wanted a life with me, and has been very caring and also seemingly calm. However, it came to a financial situation where she wanted money to pay her legal costs with her battle with her ex over her daughters. I somehow suspected she may do this as was forewarned by her family. They feel if she reaches rock bottom she will be forced to seek a change in her life as these patterns destroyed her marriage in the first place. It is difficut for me as I do not wish to see the mother of my child suffer but on the other hand cogniitiveyl know she has to change her ways to stop destroying intimate relationships in her life. There is so much to this story that I have began writing a book to help me come to terms with it. I am still very consumed by what is happening and what may happen in the next few weeks. I have not talked with her over a week and feel more at peace when that happens as to avoid her unbelievable actions and behaviors. I thought for a time it was the pregnancyt that imploded this behavior but remember it was happening even before she was pregnant. I have hope, a very strong hope. all will work out in the end but it is very difficult sitting back and waiting for things to fall in place. I do have hope the wll of God will put the outcome to his liking.


  14. ok, now this scares me because I put my story out on my blog and I hold nothing back and this guy is now coming into town for a month to perform……..


    • Kimberley ann zellers

      Oh I understand, Right after commenting here. The man I mentioned contacted me and said I will be hearing from him, He just returned from Cleveland, is sick and exhausted and been laying low for obvious reasons. I feel nauseated


    • Kimberley ann zellers

      I am now in the process of blocking the Narcissistic Married man
      and changing my email address. I am so freaked out I might even move. I am also irritated because he knows I Don’t have a car, and i have a broken ankle. The nerve to expect me to MEET HIM! I hate him NOW!
      He sent another email saying this :
      “Things have settled down a bit at home
      I would like to meet for a drink in February

      Separate question… What is (removed for privacy) last name
      Someone came to her office and told wifey everything
      Details “


  15. Keep ALL EVIDENCE in a safe location Kimberly. Are you still in contact? Is there an order of protection in your case?

    Narcissists that are found to be cheating are slimy characters who will resort to ANY unlawful means to silence someone who has information that can harm his “image”, fake reputation and or cause his disrespected spouse to abandon him.

    I received death threats from he and his attorney and had to obtain an order of protection and move to protect my address, person and property from their surveillance and damage.

    PLEASE PROTECT YOURSELF. YOUR SAFETY IS NUMBER ONE. If you’d like to send me an email message you can reach out to me on facebook or send a mail to


  16. Kimberley ann zellers

    You have literally scared me half to death. After being abused for 13 years by a narc I thought I was recovered 0ne year later and started an email relationship with a stockbroker. 2,000 emails later with him saying all the things you mentioned your narc said we finally had our first lunch date. 5 months later when it was my birthday and i was falling in love and secure he pulled the rug out from under and started insulting me and said our relationship was rocky. I was shocked. He started making demands I change, etc. I could no longer pleae him. as it turns out he was married and his wife found out. I sit here now with 4, 000 emails form him and occasional emails about tracking devices and demands i wait until spring for him to return and accusations my former husbands GF snitched on him.
    i can barely believe this man who was like prince charming knew my home was wrecked by a home wrecker and I was abused turned into this nightmare, blaming me for my own abuse, and blaming me for his getting caught and turning me into home-wrecker when i Never knew he was married!
    I am in a nightmare and scared of him now and not sure of what to do after hearing your story..he defintely has way more money than I do..especially after he set me up in an apartment I cannot afford since or break up.


  17. I hear you, sister. I had a very similar experience.


  18. Tears and Healing
    The Journey to the Light After an Abusive Relationship
    by Richard Skerritt (Formerly Richard, 21CP)
    Now in its Fifth Printing. Over 20,000 sold!
    Get the e-book right now, the paperback by mail. Paperback: $20.00
    Quick-Pack: $26.00
    Buy it See What’s Inside Online Support Group Info
    This Excerpt:
    Living with an Alcoholic? Report as Spam? Not.
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    [To stop receiving these, use this link: unsubscribe. Don’t click on “Report as Spam”. That doesn’t stop mail to you, it just makes it harder for others to get messages they asked for and makes me mad. Don’t reply to this email; neither the programs nor I read it. Don’t write to me, because the sub/unsub processes are all automated. Your address is never shared.
    Today I’m sending a old/new landing page. After using the same pages for a long time, I really dug into these recently, and I’ve been improving them so that they actually answer the question that is posed in the ad that leads to the page. It sounds simple but, of course, it can’t be done until you understand. I have to look at the people who are motivated to click on an ad that “Are you living with an alcoholic? Overcome the love locking you in. Deal with the Abuse.” Then I have to divine what are these people are really struggling with. Over the years I have been doing this, I continue to learn.

    In essence this page boils down to a few hundred words that aim to address the problems that vex and puzzle those who live with an alcoholic. And by the way, people tend to start out thinking of their situation using one particular label. For some it is alcoholism. For me, verbal abuse was the handle I used to first reach for help. Others grab hold of BPD, narcissism, or whatever. They all work because they all lead to the same place. I suppose you could say I’m a hammer salesman finding nails everywhere, and there might be a little truth in that. But when the shoe fits, or the hammer drives the nail, it comes clear pretty quickly.

    Tears & Healing explores the emotional issues in being in, and getting out of, an abusive relationship, which often includes alcoholism or drug abuse. . In Love and Loving It – Or Not! explains how and why we fall in love, what real love is, and how to make changes so love works for us and not against us. Meaning from Madness explains what motivates the disordered, how they distort reality and what the prospects for improvement are. Get all three together in the triple pack and save. Add T&H Reflections in the Relationship Pack. My favorite book is The Way of Respect. Based on the ancient Chinese Tao te Ching, it offers an intriguing and artful perspective on how to achieve respectful interactions, especially in leadership roles. There is also the Richard Skerritt Package. that includes The Way of Respect. Plus I offer the two disorder packages: the sociopath pack and the Borderline Pack which combine my books a book by a recommended author.]

    Living with an Alcoholic? Overcome the love locking you in. Deal with the Abuse.
    Are you living with an alcoholic? Chances are, if you’re asking that question, you are. But did you know that for many alcoholics, the substance abuse is secondary, and the underlying problem is a serious mental disorder? Don’t look for that insight at an Al-anon meeting – or in Al-anon literature, but it’s true.

    The fact is that many alcoholics suffer from personality disorders – serious mental disorders that cause them to perceive and react to events and people in ways that don’t make sense to healthy people. While there are ten personality disorders defined in the US diagnostic system, three disorders consistently show up in people who tend to be abusive to others – and these same people often abuse alcohol and/or drugs. Those disorders are borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and sociopathy (or antisocial personality disorder.)

    People who suffer from these disorders have intense, unreasonable fears that are triggered by small events. They react with brutal rage and controlling outbursts. In some cases the fears are overwhelming, and they can sink into despondence and despair, and even become suicidal. They can be brutal and dominating at one time; beg you not to leave them at another; and even deny that you exist at other times. Because their minds are disordered, these actions and feelings make no sense to healthy people, and it can be crushing and brutal to experience from someone you love.

    Overcome the Love Locking You In

    Many of us ended up in unhealthy relationships because, in the beginning, our partners held up a false front. Many of us felt or thought that we had met our soul mate; found the perfect partner; met that one special person in the universe. It’s no surprise that we can fall in love with someone like this!

    Later, usually after we’ve made a binding commitment like marriage, or sometimes after the relationship changes due to children being born, a job change, or other major life changes, our partner shows a completely different side. The person who was once perfect now can become angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical. When alcohol or drugs are involved, the substance abuse usually takes a big step up, too. I talk about this dynamic in my book on disordered behavior, Meaning from Madness. From someone we have deep feelings for, these actions are brutal. Yet we may still have strong feelings of love pulling us to that person. Talk about being torn!

    At some point, many of us realize this situation needs to change, but feelings are not chosen. How can you overcome the love that pulls you to someone who is abusing you?

    While you can’t turn those feelings off like a switch, you can learn to understand where those feelings come from, and how our minds create them, and then set the stage for new feelings to develop – hopefully toward someone who’s better for us. At first this issue was a chapter in my book, Tears and Healing, but it was so important it eventually became its own short book, In Love and Loving It – Or Not! The really sad part is that our minds create these feelings so that we’ll be motivated to engage in a relationship that meets our emotional needs, yet those same feelings can end up locking us in, pulling back again into a broken relationship that just can’t fill those needs! Its like a trap, one that we need new understanding to get out of.

    Deal with the Abuse

    Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of “What do I do now that I know this?” For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about. Abusive relationships are very hurtful situations, and significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved. Tears & Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.

    Tears & Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can’t make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives – needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us. And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears & Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this maze of thoughts and emotions. The reader reviews below can give you some sense of how liberating Tears & Healing has been for many, many people.

    As I said already, dealing with feelings of love is a huge barrier for many. My book, In Love and Loving It – Or Not! , addresses these issues. It explains how and why we fall in love; what we can do to get out of love with someone hurtful to us; how we can make choices so we are more likely to fall in love with someone good for us; and how being in love relates to the different, chosen actions of loving. Many of the people I help to deal with their abusive situations need this kind of guidance.

    After talking personally with many people in phone consultation, I found that people also need a way of making some sense of their abusive partner’s actions. Though their actions make no sense from the perspective of a healthy person, there is something inside them that motivates them. After explaining this many times, I wrote a companion book, Meaning from Madness, which explains what makes abusive people act as they do, explains the psychological defense mechanisms they use which cause them to see a different reality than we see, and explains how alcohol and drug use – so painfully common among them – compounds these disordered patterns. I consider Meaning from Madness to be the second essential piece of this puzzle, and there is a link to its page on the right of this paragraph.

    About the Author
    Richard Skerritt is a writer, inventor, engineer, and athlete. A survivor of a marriage that turned abusive, he forged a path through confusion, love, obligation, and emotional damage to safety and truer life. His experience and insight, shared in Tears and Healing, originated in his contributions to online support groups for people in relationships with a partner who has borderline personality disorder. He has been a respected contributor and mentor in these groups for the past four years. His writing and publishing work now includes four books, and he continues to help people through books, daily email messages, and phone consultation. Not a mental health professional, his perspectives and guidance “from the inside out” have been especially relevant for people in abusive relationships.

    Save by getting
    Relationship Pack; or the
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    Tears & Healing

    Insights on Abuse, the Relationships It Haunts, and the Diseases that Cause It

    Why do they do it?

    Meaning from Madness
    Understanding the Hidden Patterns that Motivate Abusers
    Also by Richard

    Triple-Pack &
    Full-Pack –
    All 3 or 4 books together.

    Disorder Packages:
    My Books Plus a Recommended Book:
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    Struggling with feelings of love?
    In Love and Loving It – Or Not!
    A User’s Guide to Love and Falling in Love
    Also by Richard
    Tap my knowledge and insight to understand your situation.

    Eastern Philosophy
    Also by Richard

    The Way of Respect
    Ancient Wisdom Expressed for Today
    Stop Walking
    On Eggshells


    Are struggling to live with an alcoholic partner or SO? Get the Relationship Pack or the the triple pack and get the whole picture on your situation.

    Did you know the books and packages come in softcover, e-book, and the combination quick-pack? You can see all the choices you have on this page.

    Why does your partner treat you like that? Get Meaning from Madness and get the explanation for what drives disordered behavior. (It’s in the Relationship Pack and the triple pack.)

    Are you sick of being drawn back to someone who hurts you? Would you like to understand how to enable a healthy, loving relationship in your life? (It’s in the Relationship Pack and the triple pack.)

    Have you been reading excerpts for a while? Are you ready to buy the book and get serious about change? (It’s in the Relationship Pack and the triple pack.)

    One reader: “I just read your two books, “Tears and Healing” and “Meaning and Madness” and I can’t tell you how freeing it was for me to read them.”

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  19. The beginning of the romance was filled with building me up and telling me how he’d never met anyone like me, how special and different I was, how beautiful, intelligent and funny I was. How happy he was that he’d met me. He very early used the word soul mate, told me he thought he was becoming my stalker and was obsessed with me. Instead of seeing these as warning signs that I now know they are from a narcissistic abuser, I felt surprised and flattered that the guy knew how much he wanted me and how he was so sure that I was the one. This very true for me too…
    However being involved with a narcissist takes a toll on your emotions, be aware people !
    From my expierence they are manipulators,liars and cheaters. They are very self asorbed but yet really insecure with themselves. They will use you to meet all their needs and you have none, it is all about them n always will be , they can never stay on topic everything is your fault and in your imagination! They will take what they can from you and then discard you and make it all your fault ! (it takes 2 to tangle) I understand I may sound negative but this is reality…
    A little bit at a time they steal your self esteem and self worth, without you even knowing it, making you question yourself and your stability. When I stepped back and really looked at the whole situation and only then, I saw all of it and asked myself really is this who I want to spend the rest of my life with ? The answer was NO. n NO.
    For those of you involved with somone like this , I say run n run fast !
    There is an author out there that wrote a book called tears and healing the author is,, Richard Skeritt… he was involved with people like this.
    I know in my heart of hearts it will take a long time to heal from all of this emotional abuse. I am educating myself and doing the best I can and see a counseller on a regular basis, she and my friend advised me of the NO contact rule.
    Also narcissist choose people that are co- dependant, because they accept the blame for everything and always try to fix everything. ( they just know ) they are very clever, to say the least!
    I would like to say to those involved with such people learn to love you and take care of you. I went back several times and it just keeps getting worse, it is very short lived behavior.. Again they get what they want and then keep discarding you. They can go for days and weeks with no contact. . It is called narcissist food. From the research I have done there is usually addictions and addictive behavior, it is very true… So please take this all serious because it is serious, no fooling here. To those of you involved with a narcissist please be careful and my thoughts n prayers are with you.. Best Wishes, Sheila good luck

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