Dating After Narcissistic Abuse
Ive started dating actively again, after a period of not putting myself out there. Dating in today’s day & age, is TRICKY at best.
Once free from the narcissist’s web, I ventured into the open waters by dipping my toe in, ever so safely:
I flirt. I think fondly of a new person, compare and contrast and analyze, to the nth degree how narcissistic they are, how reciprocal their behavior, do they have character, boundaries, do they show respect for me….
All the things I’ve spent the last couple of years learning and applying to my new healthy life & choices post narkopath.
The one issue that keeps arising however, is the issue of TRUST.
One of the most devastating aspects of narc abuse is how it shatters our trust. Our sense of justice, fairness, and somehow that people are basically all good – is completely annhialated by a narc’s careless approach towards the human spirit.
In rebuilding the trust in life that things will be okay, that not everyone will be a ruthless predator, there’s this HUGE SPACE of FEAR (Mistrust) that’s inescapable. Nowhere does it appear more than in new dating relationships.
It goes something like this:
Meet new person.
Interest piqued, you pursue a little, let them know that you’re attracted; maybe shoot them a text…asking them out.
Suddenly the ALARMS GO OFF , THE BOMB SQUAD IS CALLED IN, and an in depth investigation ensues….
A-ha! Case solved! We’ve got an unreliable liar on our hands – is this a narc – or just a jerk…a player? Con? What issues do they possess?!!
Their text comes in….”Sure! Id love to!”
So, all the fret, worry, anxiety, catastrophizing and personalizing were for naught.
Which begs the Question:
Does our mistrust CAUSE us to experience EXACTLY WHAT WE DONT WANT, in relationships?
To be abandoned or rejected.
What if expressing our anxiety or giving life to it, through our fearful mistrust & imagination – actually PUSHES people out our lives – due to a self fulfilling prophecy.
How do we come across when we begin showing someone that an action or two of theirs causes great distress in our ability to trust them.
To me, I get the feeling Im coming off a little skiddish out of the gate.
As with everything else I’ve come to grow into or out of in the aftermath of a narc relatio….I will be gentle and accepting with myself. Ill let my authenticity dictate while balancing it out with being sure that I manage (am responsible for) my own mistrust and fear – and not to push that off on someone else, who’s just trying to live life as well.
Dating = trusting + responsibility + self acceptance