Dear Narcissist, A break up is THE END.

You try everything within your power to distance yourself from someone you dont choose to be associated with.

My understanding is that when you end a relationship with someone, it’s OVER. You come to terms with what caused the end. You take responsibility for your part of the situation and you move on; move forward.  The lesson you learn teaches you how to behave in the future.  You, as the normal in this breakup, can do that.

Not so with a narcissist.

For whatever their distorted fascination is with having power over their victims, a narcissist will fight tooth & nail to not lose this.  Even if the only objective with their victim is to keep them in their minds, afraid & aware that they have the upper hand.

What I find oddly disturbing is WHY we cross the minds of the narcissist at all?

Let’s break this down.

We know the narcissist’s PRIMARY objective is to obtain supply to boost up their flailing ego and lack of true identity.  But at THIS POINT in the break-up:  a year or two later….the narc is NOT going to get supply out of us.  We know that to a narc, supply can be both positive and negative attention.  Indifference wont let us have any negative feelings for the narc; not this far healed.  They know that we have a very low opinion of them.

Two  explanations come to mind:

1. DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR:
The narcissist is #1 in their worlds and believe they should be #1 in the world’s of others.  The narc, actively stalks what their victim is doing after the break up to look for signs of  still being active in the minds of their victims; some shabby form of supply.
To surveil their victims, likely engages their imaginations to read THEMSELVES into the words, thoughts and expressions of their target; from there, PROJECTING their twisted stalking onto the victim. Their self aggrandizing, delusions of grandeur combined with their projection and blaming, allow the narcissist to spin the tale of “false victim” where they present the story that the victim is really stalking them.

Twisted, I agree – but narcs are not grounded in reality.

2.  FEAR:
The Narcs fear is engaged.  Something the victim knows about the narc engages his paranoia that the victim can harm him.  By  being preoccupied with what the victim is doing, he remains engaged. WHY?  We know that narcs dont love their victims, so it’s not that they’re hoping we come back to them.  They KNOW that WE KNOW their deep dark secret and truth. WE ARE A THREAT. Only the narc and his target understand this macabre reality. As many times as the victim has tried to articulate to others, many find it hard to believe that the narcissist engages in such subversive games and manipulations and is truly this mentally disturbed; as the IMAGE does NOT represent that. It does, to those of us who know how to read everything a narc says & does.

Combine these with what else we know about a narc and next we’d expect to see them shoot a PROACTIVE shot into his opponents court:

Any smear and stalking campaign the narcissist uses to continue to harrass his target is motivated by his unhealthy need for power and his perpetual efforts to uphold the  image he projects and his fear that this image will be threatened because of what he knows his target knows. They are acutely aware that  the secret never goes away with us- what’s TRUE IS TRUE; irrespective of what the narc deludes.  To extinguish this ugly knowledge, they seek to extinguish the possessor of that knowledge: THE VICTIM.

So begins the narcissists delusional imagination and schemes. How to make the victim GO AWAY? Twist reality to make it seem that the victim is instead the perpetrator and begin to weave your “spin” on the story.  Does the narcissist REALLY believe we’d want any contact with them? Does a year and a half of silence NOT register?  Is the person this obtuse? This removed from reality?

ONLY  a person with narcissistic personality disorder would believe that someone that broke up with them a year and a half ago would want ANYTHING to do with that person ever again.

Break ups are endings. With normals, we expect that we’ll grieve, get our feelings out, learn something and apply the lessons to future endeavors.  We want PEACE after the battling and abusive relationship with a narcissist. We’ve been dragged through hell, forced to deal with unnecessary drama. We’ve been hurt but have bounced back. We deserve to move on and be free from ANY harassment the narcissist perpetrates.  We WANT the break up to be THE END!

WE ARE NOT HIS PEOPLE ANYMORE!  WE ARE FREE FROM THE NARCISSIST’S ABUSE and deserve the right to quiet enjoyment in our lives.  We shouldnt have to look over our shoulders while the narc and his accomplices perpetrate surveillance of us. THAT’S CREEPY! ITS SCARY! STOP IT!!!!!!!!! LEAVE US ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE EARNED OUR FREEDOM FROM THIS!!!!! GO AWAY!!!!!!!! MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND LEAVE US ALONE FOREVER!!!!

Posted on July 15, 2012, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.

  1. I love how you’ve put this in words. 100% the truth!

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  2. Well said! I am currently being stalked by my ex and i just want to heal and move forward with my life. I dont want a damn thing to do with him and his lies.

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  3. Hi I never knew about narcissist before. A man I used to date had odd behavior. He called me while I was out of town on family business and broke up with me. I was disappointed but felt at ease
    The following day I changed my phone number, blocked him from all of my social media accounts and later created new accounts. This behavior of no contact is a general practice for me as I prefer to hano problemve a clean slate and move on without messy break ups, it as always seemed the mature manner allowing for closure , healing and growth. I didn’t know that he was crazy until I got his reaction. He went ziggy boo! Over a mineral breakup.. He shows upat an event that I was to facilitate with a new love, nor problem as I bought my father to the event. He was livid I could tell by his expression, though my father and I spoke to him and his date. The event went well for me and many people congratulated me. Many people also later told me that my ex and the table of women he bought with him and his date where only there to make trouble for me and to make me jealous. How sad, I had no idea. I was shocked when this was bought to my attention. I left to go back out of town but returned back to my home a year later only to find out that he and his lover and the flying monkeys had been on major smear campaign while I was away. So I made the best of it, I kept working, went and stayed with my daughter at a beautiful farm house on the edge of town while maintaining my property in town. He was so mad. Then I got active in public events and charities around town These events allowed me to put out good energy, make new friends, healthy ffriends. I never once spoke again to him or his host of flying monkeys. They all tried to stalk me or talk to me I just walk casually away as if they are invisible, a figment of an over active imagination.lol. One day after I had been in town for a few months he broke up with his girlfriend and came hovering up to me I turned walked away a started a conversation with an old girl friend of mine that I had not seen in a while. This nut case of a man ran out of the building and from what I hear was nearly in tears pulling out of the parking lot! Know one understood the motivation behind his behavior, but I did and laughed all the way home! It has been over three years now, I have never spoken a word to him since we broke up. I disassociated with every person that he has even a remote connection with, drives him crazy. I still attend the church we used to attend because they are safe support for my spiritual strength. He thinks that they are the devil and won’t talk to any of them, even in passing. They pray for him and have genuine concern for his well being, as I never told them any dirty details of his obnoxious behavior. At this point I wish he would stop.. Every one knows what he is and several people have come forward, with out my solicitation to tell me how he cheated on me when we were together even before I left town. People have told me how they thought that I was better than that and didn’t understand the connection between us. I have had to admit I made a mistake in judgement and simply didn’t know he was crazy, but I am much better now. I always thank these well meaning people for thier concern and support. He has cost me a job, through lies, and manipulation. I do not talk to anyone in his family thought I will smile and nod as I pass them by. I hear he was depressed for a year or so and the ring of flying monkeys have been disbanded due to issues of drug abuse and alcoholism. Imagine that. Update he is off of his celibacy and has a new supply, a bipolar who is off meds….poor thing. She hates me and sends messages that she will hurt me if I talk to him. So through a indirect method I replied, spell and smell JAIL! I did not change either of thier thoughts but I did curb the behavior! I am selling my home and moving out of town for employment and to be closers to my family. But before I leave it need to top it off with a final KISS MY ASSIGNMENT YOU SORRY PATHETIC LOOSRR compliments on the arm of a damn good man! He is not aware that there is one, but when we arrive at the next event he will know and see that it’s not good to f—ck with me, as I and my lover great them walk away and wish them well! But deep inside I hope they rot in hell! Lol.😊

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  4. This was an eye-opener. I am a male who entered a relationship with a NPD female. I fortunately ended the relationship after 1.5 months when she began to show an unpredictable temper that didn’t match the amazing women she originally appeared to be. I am learning about the “smear campaign” of NPDs the hard way. She is accusing me of sexual abuse shortly after I asked her to stop contacting me. I’m in shock. I treated her so well when we were together, NEVER acted inappropriate and am trying to understand how someone is so willing to destroy another person’s life over nothing. Is this some sick way to maintain control over me? This is kind of freaking me out, especially knowing that I may continue to face this kind of stuff as try to get on with my life. Do they eventually give up and move on? At what point do you notify the police?

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  5. I truly wish no one had to live this way. I left mine of 7.5 years. I tried leaving several time, once for 8 months. But I did love him, he was my first true love, and my soul mate. Sadly, it had to be a narcissist come to find out later. And, In his own ‘way’ I am sure he ‘loved’ me too. I guess they all do? But, We live, we learn. I went back.
    Really, Sheba pinned it all. Everyone has.
    I finally left for good in Oct. 2012. It was not until 2 months ago that my life has gone peaceful. After a friend informed me that they had to put camera’s on their home (it being the only place I had safe to meet up with people) he was calling and texting her husband, whom used to be a friend of his when he and I were separated (he later ended the friendship on grounds of upset over this man being drunk/hungover at my fathers viewing and funeral 5 years ago) Stating he knew who was in and out of their home and when, a home they did not live before.
    I then shut down my blog, all social media and went off the grid completely. Other friends I meet up with say they are contacted or get requests on media sites. We promoted bands together so I do not go into any bars or clubs. My life is at home, I do not leave alone. I do not go out alone even to this day. After leaving him some months later he found me and my new bf out playing pool. After 9 months of leaving him it all pushed me to a suicide attempt as I felt it was the only way out. I have overcome that with much intense therapy. I have tried to tell him as just a means of maybe him seeing I was moving on that I was trying to have a family, it only made him ask if he could be ‘uncle —–” and if his girls that I helped raise for 7 years could baby sit. Later coming back after a month saying he was confused and wondered if I meant I wanted him to be the father. This being after 20+ messages in 2 weeks of me not answering. I really don’t even know that this is the end, But, I can’t hide forever, I like to write and He will always find my blog, or a media site and so on, a comment such as this. They want us to hide, they want us to be afraid. I’m tired. I don’t and won’t depend on anyone to ‘protect me’ or be in a relationship for protection. I have always been a independent woman, that was the one thing that did kill him. That will not be taken from me. He has his group of supporters to tell him he is not narcissistic and so on and that is fine.What narcissist is going to tell you they are? 🙂 I wish you all peace and comfort as well as healing.

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  6. Narc are the worst species on this earth. They manipulate you. They toy with your feelings. When you wake up out of fantasy land and realize hey I should not be treated like this. You have already been soul broken, spirit down self esteem down. If you are in it I beg you to run. This relationship has been the most difficult, unfulfilled, sad ,verbally abusive relationship I have ever been in. They are leaches, parasites, lazy, and they will suck every ounce of energy out of you. You will leave a broken spirited individual. Run or get out and keep running don’t stop to look back and trust God I promise he will get you through. I promise. Remember you were not the animal, they were the animals that kicked you repeatedly like a dog!!!! There is life after living with a narcissistic person.

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  7. I am with a narcisist. I can’t believe his changing behavior from so loving to completely hating me!I am going to continue to learn about narcism and how to get out of this only 1 year relationship with this man. I have never met someone so deviant! It is incredible to learn about, even more to overcome it, learn about codependancy and heal from it. When we are together it has become like a horror story. The way he treats me is such madness! I am starting to comprehend how mean these men can be. But it seems to remind me of the secret way I was treated by my father. I believe there was sexual abuse. I have to say I am far from perfect but people have to know that these men are out to destroy us! To further our advancement as empowered women and end this slavery we are not even aware of, Let’s let it be known that we will no longer stand for it! Let peace and harmony reign! And it will end with this man once and for all.. SO BE IT.

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    • It saddens me to read this. They do change. They will start out ‘courting’ you. They will never start out in their ways. I notice this comment is older and I do hope you found peace.

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  8. Wow. I could have written this. Does it ever end??? I’ve been divorced from a narcissist for 3 years, and if anything the situation has gotten worse. He does EVERYTHING he can possibly do to control, manipulate, and hurt me, and he never even let up when my father was suddenly diagnosed with terminal cancer after we divorced. I haven’t had peace in over 3 years and I pray for it everyday.

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  9. Exasperating assholes…that is the perfect name for them. I just dumped one who pursued me for a year until I started a relationship with him. It was great beyond great for a few months until I became suspicious of his marital status! Yup, I found out he was married and he still denied it lol I met other people who knew him and they said ” I hope your not dating that guy” hes and ASS! I got out before it got too crazy

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  10. Interesting read. I identify so well. I have an order of protection agains my narc ex and even though it says no contact of any kind he has managed to use the court system to sneak in contact here and there. It has been over a year and half and luckily I have managed to have very little direct contact with him even though we share custody of one of our daughters. He still insists we need to talk and communicate as though everything is alright “for the sake of the children”. I insist on only written communication and he hates that because he can’t manipulate me that way. I have told him he scares me and intimidates me so any other contact is out of the question but he just says I have issues…. I say I don’t have issues, just reality.

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    • Many hugs to you! I only spent six months with one and I am so glad I had some education in psychology from college. I am so glad he was already married because I might have ended up with him…I wish you the best …you sound strong…stay that way!

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    • I dont know what has come of your situation since this posting, but admitting to him your sense of fear and anxiety will continue to provide him with a purpose to continue the behavior. Remember, negative attention is just as good as positive attention to a stalker.

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  11. Oh, I so hear you! I am divorcing my narc of 20 years right now. It is a delightful hell. I have met the 3 wives prior to me. Nhub is 70 years old. He claims wife 1, just out of college, (who is also a narc) still loves him (never mind that she remarried a poor guy that has taken her crap forever.) I think they look at it as more like being a Hell’s Angel, once you are in their little love club, you are a member for life, no matter what you say. Like I said, he’s 70, and God willing, I won’t be in the club providing “fantasy supply” for much longer. NO CONTACT is the ONLY way to go. Good luck, I am surprised he has not found another target in a year and a half. I would expect mine to take care of that hot mess of being alone within 3 months of moving into his new house. They are exasperating assholes. Good insightful post!

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