New Ways To Healing

 

You begin in shock. In disbelief. You may suffer from Post Traumatic Stress (I did). As you are beginning to re-remember, the feelings are going to be overwhelming. Every emotion under the sun. Chaotic feelings. Tremendous ambivalence. Anger, hatred, vengefulness, murder, all the really nasty stuff. Terrible, soul-tearing loneliness. This is normal, this is you being human. Feel all the feelings, cry an ocean. This is grieving. I cried for 3 years, almost every day. I was comforted by this saying from mystical Judaism, “G-d counts the tears of women” (and men, I’m sure).
At the same time,

Learn everything you can about psychopathy and pathological narcissism. We are not talking just immature jerks here, or the abusive, but hardcore pathology.

Return to the past and remember and review in detail. This is not obsessing- this preoccupation is very necessary for healing because you are starting from square one — what you thought existed, did not. So you must find out what really existed- replace the pathway of emotion laden remembrance with the stark, unyielding reality.

It is through the above 3 ways that we emotionally detach-separate ourselves from the psychopath-character disordered, when we begin to grasp the massive deception and subtle, practised erosion of our beings. Always we must trust our gut as we work this out and thru.

Rehearse and reinforce that this was not a normal person, that it was a lie, that it had nothing to do with you (the hardest)- but it did happen to you- and there is no psychological rhyme nor reason to it because psychopaths-character disordered are in a mysterious class by themselves, not really from this planet as we know it.

Know that they wanted something good from you. Remember it.

You will question yourself and that is normal- people who are normal, have consciences, examine themselves, ask themselves what they could have done differently- this is part of reviewing- What could you have done? nothing- you didn’t know they were disordered- now you know- learn all you can about how they work-how they did it- that is your task- to see that they manipulated you and that you were no match for them (nor were some “experts” where psychopaths were concerned).

Discipline yourself to stop looking at your ‘faults’ as connected to the psychopath-character disordered specifically – any encounter with anyone can trigger a desire to re-evaluate one’s life and behaviour- this is normal and progressive- it’s a testament to your desire and ability to grow and transcend, to move forward and blossom- the encounter may provide the spark, the seed- your ‘faults’ or ‘weaknesses’ did not cause you to be targetted and manipulated by the character disordered.

Try not to psychologise yourself- do it with a therapist but only one who lays the blame where it belongs- on the perpetrator-abuser. Trust no one on the net to psychologise you- they have no right; and it’s the blind leading the blind, imo.

Hang out with people who emotionally support you but do not make you doubt yourself- people who try to tell you or imply that you are somehow at fault – do not confide in anyone who pathologises your behaviour or brings you pathologising theories- a psychopath-character disordered is a relationship anomaly/aberration- normal rules don’t apply and neither do theories (for that’s all they are, and largely uncompassionate, I think) about us, the survivors. As long as you continue to psychologise yourself about this (non)relationship, you remain attached.

Know that you did not have control over the encounter, that you do not have control over anything except what you choose to believe and do- choose to elevate everything around you. Choose life.

Repair what is broken- Force yourself to Turn away from the face of evil and add something to the world- even while you are in shock, take a moment to be kind to someone, some small thing or kind thought, and take charge of your soul- be the captain. I have overcome a lot of damage just by putting one step in front of the other and laying a new foundation bit by bit in repairing a bit of the world. No one can take that away from me. When you see what you can do to make the world a better place, how the world responds to you, you won’t listen to anyone who is only looking to fix you by telling you how you are broken. You have a broken,shattered heart and you already know that. End of story.

What is your goal now that you are moving away from this damaging environment? It’s important to have an elevating goal that will inspire you to greatness, spiritual and otherwise. 

If you are reading this, you are a person of considerable character and thought. You are not willing to lie down and die. You will not allow what happened to defeat you. You survived to get to this place- there is great strength in that.

Know what you stand for, what you are willing to live and to die for. Learn this about yourself as you work things through.

Know that this too shall pass and that the other side is wonderful, is amazing, something that you can’t imagine right now. You will amaze yourself. In moments of despair and moments of soul searing loneliness, know that you are not alone. You are supported. And others have gotten through this and you will too. And you will do it with the dignity that is your birthright- in a perfectly human way.

  1. Well, I have read these posts and wonder what took me so long to make it here and why I am feeling what I am feeling. I also see a majority of the posts are from women. The interesting thing is that they are all about the same person, and the one that I married 7 years ago.

    This was my second marriage and I was taken by the level of confidence with this woman (named “K”. She was amazing. I met her as I was recovering from a marriage to a diagnosed BPD, who ended up marrying my narcissistic business partner. K took my side and gave me some amazing advice on dealing with some very significant issues with child custody situation.

    My first clue should have been how badly she talked about her previous husbands and how much she focused on the “fact” that they had cheated on her. I identified with her completely. I was in desperate need of a makeover, mentally and spiritually. She professed to be a devout christian since childhood. Once again, I identified with her completely. But there was an interesting question that she asked me; “are you the jealous type? because I do get hit on a lot.” Of course, I said “no”. I expected that to a certain degree because while she was not overly flirtatious, she is very attractive.

    The second red flag was the situation with her children. At a young age, they were making parenting and planning decisions carte blanche. Also, the older child of two seemed to have some real anger issues. I figured that I would be an excellent influence on them. So, i attempted to bond with them. There were a few times that when I exercised some very basic parenting efforts, only to be immediately chastised in front of these children. I was confused having no experience with broken families. I started reading and found that my role was really supposed to be a “guide” – this worked for K because she could regain and maintain control.

    Once we were married, I lost all of my friends, my music playing and standard casual activities. I really thought nothing about it because these were concessions to our “new life”. For me, a fresh start was appealing. What I didn’t know was that she was starting the process of owning me.

    The third red flag came about the same time that we were married after about 2 years of some fairly good times, and comparatively wonderful to my previous marriage. She started accusing me of ogling other women. It never happened. I was completely dedicated to her, which is my character and personality. I never had a thought of infidelity. Not one.

    Then more red flags started popping up. She started introducing me to her “friends” which were actually FWBs. She would be incensed if any clue of a previous relationship surfaced (yes, I had a few in between). I found out that she had a series of one night stands with very good looking young men, many of them still texting her, expecting me to accept the fact that she is just that popular. The question about “jealousy” from the beginning of our relationship became apparently a seeking of permission to retain the attention and the denial that she was giving to these men. She was literally getting off on my apprehension and continuously shutting these men down, nicely of course, to keep them on the hook.

    Then the real fun began. I like to travel. EVERY trip that I went on, with her or not, became a struggle. She would seem agitated by the presence of any beautiful woman. She started projecting her feelings of insecurity on me at every possibility. When I started calling her out on it, she would literally deny that she was doing it.

    Once we moved into a new house and I doubled my salary in a year, she became money drunk. $200/month for hair, thousands on credit cards during Christmas to impress her friends. She even tried to get me to trade her brand new car for something nicer without any clue to the impact that it was having on our finances. Then, she stopped taking child support from her husband. I was now paying for that also.

    Then what I call “Boys Weekend” began. Every other weekend, she would completely separate from me and spend the weekend with her boys in our house. Spending increased and I was counseled on how I need to give more to the church. I started taking a lower and lower spot in my own house and became the source of all arguments, which was really just me expressing my concerns and displeasure.

    When I started traveling more for work, I was suckered into agreeing that I would never drink under any circumstances. Once, I had a glass of wine and was accused of “lying to my wife” and “not caring about our relationship”. That’s when I became completely neutered and actually found myself lying to her to keep the peace. I also forced my own children, who lived with us, to “be more accepting”, which was her chief complaint. All the while, the boys flop house style room was a complete disaster area.

    K started expecting me to praise her children for the most mundane tasks around the house and supporting their sports events. She was absolutely convinced that her children were star athletes, buying them exclusive training and expensive shoes. Not only are they terrible athletes, they couldn’t care less about even playing. All the while, the excuses for poor performance were blamed on the “overbearing” ex-husband (who is an ESPN obsessive jock).

    The frequency of sex slowed to a crawl. I was told that I just wasn’t “filling her love tank” and if I would just care for her more that she would feel driven to please me physically. During this time, I found out that she had been spying on me by tracking my credit card expenses. She confronted me several times accusing me of buying dinner for “another person” because the charges were so high. Honestly, most of it was on drinks. I was self-medicating. When I confronted her with this issue, I was told “we are married, I can do what I want.” and then was immediately accused of having an affair because I didn’t like her monitoring me.

    Then the accusations and arguments got worse. I was blamed for everything and she never apologized first. The order of operation was very simple. I would bring up an issue, she would get offended, I would get pissed because were weren’t considering my feelings in the matter, and then we would argue about my “delivery” or “reaction”. This happened each time with any discipline issues with her boys. They would do something stupid, I would bring it up or react to it and then I would become the problem. I started questioning my own sanity. So did my kids. My daughter essentially spent a year in her room isolated from us.

    I caught her flirting with the HVAC guy using my security system. My heart sank. I was absolutely broken and extremely upset. That was right before Christmas and I was fully emasculated at that point. No control or influence in my own house, zero sexual connection with my wife and being accused of being a philanderer.

    The final straw came at Christmas when I was vocally upset with the fact that we were into spending at a rate of $5000 with none of the bills paid. I always pay off our credit cards monthly but they were maxed out and we were spending cash. I cussed her out and her older son came at me with some disrespectful language and a threat to hurt me. I confronted him and she stepped between us and defended him. I kicked them out with the cops at the door. This was about the 3rd or 4th time that I had to call the cops to protect myself (legally) from being accused. The truth is that she was verbally abusive. She was also physical with me several times. She would fly into a rage when I would confront her with logic in her arguments with me.

    We separated. I gave her a bunch of cash and a car. I got everything else. She was on her own.

    Then I started allowing my conscious to get the better of me. I knew that I was hurt an angry and started dealing with it inwardly, blaming myself. I went back to her with a series of apologies. Not ONCE did she apologize for one thing. However, things went really well while I was hat in hand. While I was wooing her, she was highly energetic. Then, the accusations and neediness got out of hand. I was still completely secondary in every way, to every other person, especially her boys. A series of other events occurred, including a complete meltdown on another trip that I took my daughter instead of her. She didn’t even want to see the pictures.

    The final straw was when three months later from our separation, that she hit me up for a loan. She had completely spent every dime of a VERY large sum of money. I had taken on all of our debt as a concession to keep the house (which she could never afford on her own). An here I was, giving her more money. After a date to the movies, we went back to her house and her ex-husband is hanging out “because they boys wanted him to” and “its my house, its not your concern”. I confronted her about it in a calm and even manner. She called me “negative” and accused me of having some sort of mental issue.

    I cut it off immediately and here I am typing this catharsis.

    I know now that I was dealing with a narcissist, which has been the contention of my therapist for over a year. I know now that I was a sucker. She was gorgeous and I am an overweight IT geek. I just thought I won her with my brain. I didn’t. I’m in debt up to my eyeballs which she is planning to meet up with her ex-boyfriends for a high school reunion party. Since we split up, she has posted several “selfies” for the pure intention of eliciting “wows” and “oh boys” from her pathetic ex-lovers and wannabenexters.

    The family situation from her childhood is a perfect, textbook environment for producing a narcissist. No one cared for her and she ran loose without supervision throughout her teen years. Her split family was so disjointed that her focus was on gaining the attention of as many boys/men as possible. This wasn’t apparent to me until much later in the relationship.

    There are so many adages that can be applied to my story, and I know that. “Too good to be true”… “Apple from the tree”, etc etc etc. But I truly loved this woman and I gave her my heart. Its shattered now. However, I have started getting mentally, spiritually and physically fit. Sometimes i hate my new freedom but mostly I like it. All I want is someone that I can share my life experiences with. I am a traditional man with conservative values and I am facing the failure of two marriages. Its devastating. It even worse to know that I am a highly intellectual man and have been take twice by women with severe mental issues.

    My focus is now on recovery and the avoidance of any future postings on similar web sites. Thanks for reading this. If you read the entire thing, I am both surprised and impressed. I wish that I would have read these posts sooner but I would have applied some rationalization that would have ended in a pathetic self-accusation. Man, I really need to work on my self-esteem.

    I hope that if you are reading this because you are in a relationship and this sounds familiar that you will do everything you can to get out and be protected.

    Cheers

    • you are a good man…your Cinderella is out there somewhere..i will pray for you..

    • If you only knew how intense this was to read to a lot of men that have been in your shoes.. I have been healing from a narsisisitic woman now for only 3 months. Please know that your story is a true inspiration and I plan to read it every time I feel that I was the one to blame. Thank you so much for taking the time to sit down and write that. I hope all is well and you realize you are a strong and wonderful man.

  2. After living with a guy for nearly a year and thought I was going crazy. We were basically roommates and it was strange just because he would keep on insisting that he wasn’t interested in a relationship and he wasn’t the type that would engage in sexual activity with anyone that wasn’t his girlfriend. I am a pretty straightforward person so although I was mildly attracted to him, I didn’t pursue anything with him because I prefer to be in or on the verge of a committed relationship prior to having sex with a man as well. So I figured we would remain friends. I’ve always mostly lived with men as roommates before this for almost 10 years so this wasn’t anything new to me.

    But then Valentine’s Day rolled around and he brought home flowers for me. I thought it was weird, and I honestly got a bit peeved just because it felt like he was trying to romance me when he had no intention of having a relationship with me. He then accused me of playing games with him for mildly berating him for doing something nice for me. He then progressed to call me nicknames and kissing me on occasion so the lines between friendship and relationship were slightly blurred although we never became physical with each other.

    We shared a lot of mutual friends at the time, but they were much closer to him than me, and he managed to slowly isolate me from them. I think they would text him to do something and invite me along, but would not let me know and go without telling me.

    I would try to confront him about some of his strange behaviors, but he would just get angry. I look back and realize that he had intentionally isolated me from everyone close to him and it was weird because our mutual friends stopped responding to my texts as well. He had then told me that he didn’t invite me to come along with him anymore because I was embarrassing and unpleasant to be around. I started to believe him just because everyone stopped responding to me as well. I thought that maybe I was inadvertently doing something wrong and that I was fundamentally flawed in ways that repelled people. He would confirm this. Bit by bit, he broke my self-esteem down this way and these mutual friends just stood around and watched. He convinced me that I was a “fake” person that mislead people, that my accomplishments in life weren’t real, that my aspirations were unattainable and everyone thinks so as well, and the list goes on…. This drove me into a deep depression and he blamed the fact that I had become isolated because of this and that I was simply “not mentally strong enough” to endure what he was putting me through.

    I tried to seek out other relationships, but I was living in a strange city that I didn’t feel like I fit in. I was trying really desperately to rebuild a social life to no avail. I ended up leaving completely just because my living situation became intolerable and I couldn’t find any social alternatives. But I left quite damaged. My self esteem was an all-time low, i forgot who I was, and worse yet, I was completely obsessed with this guy with whom I had no sexual relationship. I was literally devastated when I saw pictures of him with another girl on Facebook, smiling and hanging out with the very friends that ostracized me. And logically, I couldn’t seem to understand why all this mattered to me so much when we weren’t even in a committed relationship.

    Then I realized just this week that he must have been a raging narcissist. I always characterized him as a wolf in sheep’s clothing – he appears harmless, is very kind and generous, and a really great listener. He used to help me with my bags, carry my groceries into the house when he was around, and all the other manly things. But I was unluckily one of his few victims that had the chance to live with him and truly get to know him. For whatever odd reason, he loved to break me down and no matter how much I tried to fight back, he always sought to win and then run off with his friends to have a grand ol’ time while I sat at home alone. Because he was so outwardly kind, I made excuses. I started believing that I could actually be the source of the problem just because I was the one without friends. I’m really angry at myself for not getting out of this situation sooner, but I am glad that this relationship was never a romantic one just because it would’ve been much harder for me to remove myself from. But I do think that he is a covert narcissist that was having his ego hurt just by the fact that I didn’t outwardly shower him with the attention he was so desperately seeking from a woman. I wasn’t going to do that if he wasn’t going to show me any signs indicating he wanted any type of a loving relationship with me. He’d even tell me that I wasn’t his type and that I didn’t motivate him enough to feel like he could love him at certain points.

    Bizarre.

    • Wow, Mira, I wanted to tell you that your post helped me a lot. My ex-boyfriend did exactly this to me, and for a while I was going insane trying to work out what I did to deserve it. Then it occurred to me that I didn’t do anything to deserve it. It’s just part of his vindictive pathetic, infantile game.

      He would deliberately not tell me I was invited to things – like, again and again and again. His favourite phrase was “Sorry I didn’t invi-i-i-te you-u-u”, with a ridiculous fake-ly sorry facial expression. He tried to charm my friends out of liking me, acting completely differently around them when I wasn’t there and then clamming up when I came back in (like, “oh no, look out everyone, she’s back!”).

      He seemed to think that getting invited to more things than me would mean that he’d “won” somehow. He didn’t seem to realise that a lot of people were beginning to ask “where’s Mal?” and that this was reflecting badly on him.

      Psychopaths always pick out your best trait to destroy. This means that you, Mira, are naturally sociable and likable, and you make HIM feel embarrassing and unpleasant, and show up the fact that HE is a fake person. Have confidence in yourself because you really are articulate and intelligent. You deserve much better friends than this idiot.

      They are addicted to the bait-and-switch. They will try to lead you on, try to make you become romantically interested, just for the pleasure of disappointing you. Well done for not falling for it – but that’s probably the reason he decided to destroy your social life, just to spite you for not chasing after him. They really are a pathetic bunch of losers, the lot of them.

  3. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years on Friday. I’m sure he had other gf’s as well. He lied so many times, he cheated so many times. And I kept forgiving him. He would curse me out and yell at me I was scared to do anything. It was like I was walking on eggshells not to make him mad. I was always being accused of cheating on him and I never did. While all the time I was never good enough for him. It’s like a cycle he was never happy with him self so he would take it out on me. I loved him with all my heart. I’ve been in bed for days. My heart hurts so much. The depression I have is like I’m dying. I can’t eat. I take meds to sleep. Life is so hard for me right now. I always thought what could have I done. I did everything for him. And now he won’t even acknowledge my existence. I walked away Friday when I found him cheating for the 4th time. And sending her the same messages. I just want to sleep and this nightmare to be over

    • Marty, I know exactly what you are going through. It was only 3 weeks ago since I checked my ex’s phone nad found out that he had been involved with 11 other woman. It was like waking up in somebody elses bad dream – and by the look of your narrative I feel you are in the worst place now, so I wanted to share my experience with you. What you wrote sounds exactly what I have been feeling 2 weeks ago, 1 week ago as welll.

      I left him – but i feel as if it was him, who left me, lying on the floor and vomiting out of shock and disgust.
      But it’s been 3 weeks now and let me tell you something – the first week was the WORST. It was a nightmare, but you will get through it. And then the next week will be bad – but not as bad as the previous one. And the third week is also sad – but the shock and vomiting and all the worst parts are gone. Now its just apathy and anger – but it feels as recovery, finally. There are moments when I feel happy, really happy. Because I felt this weird reilief the moment he left my apartment – no more fighting for his love, proving that I am worth it, no more TRYING. I am free! I can finally have a relationship I thought I will never had. (did you have that? That you got suddenly sad when other couples would get all loved-up in your presence? And you’d get so depressed inside cause you’d thought “Why can’t he treat me like this…Will I ever experience this?”)
      So, since you left, the very best thing is – YOU WILL EXPERIENCE THIS. FINALLY YOU WILL BE HAPPY IN LOVE. I truly believe that. Maybe not today, but in the future. All the best is yet to come, all the worst has passed.

      And I wish you all the best and I will think of you whenever I will feel down or depressed and the fact that I am not alone in this fight will make me feel stronger – we will get through this and we will be happy:)

      hugs

      • Thank you so much! Ur comments give me hope. I’m so sad and I loved him like I’ve never loved another. I am here too if you need to talk… My email is mlwtiger@yahoo.com. I’m finally starting to eat.

        Sent from my iPhone

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    • HELLO Marty..If you are interested, listen toterri savelle foy in youtube…she has videos on breaking soul ties and relationships…also check out Melanie tonia Evans in youtube and also her website which U can find If you type her name into google..Melanie talks about narcissistic abuse…terri’s website is terri.com.
      Hugs to you sweetheart for breaking up with him. You deserve better.

    • Marty – girl, my heart aches for you right now, but know that there are others out there that are going through exactly what you’re going through – myself included. I just got away from a narcissist a month ago after a 1 1/2 years and the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on since then has been nothing short of devastating! I’ve gone from feeling so sad that all I wanted to do is sleep so the pain would go away to being ragingly pissed off, wanting to beat the crap out of him for all the lying. Just know one thing, just like the author said, there is nothing YOU did wrong. You were not a weak, insecure, naïve individual who easily fell for this wolf-in-sheeps-clothing…Narcissists are master manipulators, adept story tellers, preying on strong, self-confident, intelligent women (and men). They spin stories that can amaze with such detail…who could know at first blush they are lies. And oh god all the showering of “love”….15 texts a day saying how beautiful you are, you’re a gift from god, you’re my precious angel…all that stuff that I know was all BS…but at the time I thought I had met someone who truly loved me…that I had found my soulmate. I felt so “loved”…I felt fortunate that I had found something so special. Listen, I consider myself a confident, strong, intelligent, witty person…I FELL FOR IT HOOK LINE AND SINKER. But the good news is that YOU DID FIND OUT!!!! You were strong and smart enough to walk away. Please do not have any communication with him. Think of every narcissist-free day as a GOOD day. Keep imagining what you’re life would have eventually turned out to be if you’d stay with him. I found out my hair dresser has been married to one for 17 years and has 2 kids by him…has brought her to her knees. She has finally just recently kicked him out, but he calls her 5 times a day….and every single time he does she wants to pick up the phone, but she doesn’t. She struggles every day to stay away. Leaving a Narcissists is like giving up cocaine…you know its bad for you but hard to stay away from. Just keep going girl…protect yourself…block every form of communication….EVERYTHING, calls, texts, emails. Remember that Narcissist feed off attention, so any form of attention you give him will “feed” him…even if you tell him “go to hell” you are still feeding him …doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad attention. if you ever get weak, email me dina143@comcast.net
      (btw, kudos to the author of this article..brought tears to my eyes when I read it. If anything, this is one positive thing the internet has provided…information and support!)

  4. Thank you dear kindred spirit for writing this post! It gives me not just hope but strength and encouragement along the journey to creating an amazing new life! Thank you

  5. I feel like I’m dying inside…. I’ve been thru this cycle for 3 years. I’ve been lied to so many times it’s unbelievable I’ve been cheated on so many times I can’t count. However, I truly loved him and I’m now at the end of this relationship and I’m heartbroken and crying bc I loved him so so much. I feel like I’m dying inside.

  6. I was pursued for over a year by someone I now believe to be a narcissist. I was never completely sure about him, but he finally convinced me that he loved me and there was no-one else. After a couple of months of being together he went cold on me and when I reacted badly to this he disappeared for the weekend and wouldn’t respond to me. He text me to say lets cool it and then the next day wanted me to be his friend. I tried for a while, but I couldn’t handle it and he kept saying whatever I needed. Then because I wasn’t responding to him he flipped a switch and decided to tell everyone about the girls he was now hooking up with. I had him about it and he said he had done it to annoy men, but in not such a nice way. ANNOY ME!! What he did was devastating as I did genuinely love him and this was a few weeks after we split. He had spent over a year convincing me he cared for me and then when he got me he moved on. I look back now and think the whole argument we had was manipulated by him so he could move on to his latest conquest. I find it hard to accept that another human being can do this to someone they claim to care about, but the more I read these articles the more I realise that it’s normal for a narcissist. We work together which means I have made the decision to leave as I can’t cope with his mood swings. Now he knows I’m going he’s trying to communicate with me again as though we can ever go back to being friends. He was never and will never be a friend! Just wish my feelings weren’t so all over the place still. Thanks for writing this!

  7. I just ended my relationship with my narcissistic boyfriend yesterday via text. We started dating in January. At first I did not want any relations with him but he kept being persistent and telling me stories about his horrible childhood (his father wanted him aborted, he will be happy when he is dead and so on). I felt sorry for him and decided to talk with him after class (I think this was my biggest mistake in my life). I fell for all his sob stories and so I wanted to help him. We went out a few times this is where he told me I make him happy, he admires me, he loves me…you guess it he said it. I was happy I found my prince charming. Then one day he walked me to my apt and wanted to sleep with me. He said he did not want sex just to hold me and I told him no. Anyways the next day he came to my apartment and ask to come up again and I said no I don’t know you that well, he laughed and said he was testing me. After that incident he began giving me the silent treatment. I never understood what he was doing but I would always try to reach out to him. I thought that maybe he was scared of losing me so he is distancing himself from me. I apologized and we got back but it seems like every two weeks he would disappeared off the face of the earth. At one point I gave up and he came back again.He sent me a text and told me that he is avoiding me because he likes me WHAT…Anyways it got to the point where I felt like he basically abandoned me, I told him and he said how I was being silly and to stop thinking silly things. He said he will see when he has free time (this was after one month of no communication what so ever). Everyday after work he goes out with his friends, everyday and now he does have 1 second for me. I text him and told him he treated me worse than a dead animal I did not get any response. Two weeks later I told him to tell me if you do not want me anymore, I am tired of this silent treatment, I got nothing from him. Yesterday I finally told him I tried but maybe I did not try hard enough, he wins I lose I can’t do it anymore I need to protect myself. I told him for three months I cried myself to sleep, I don’t care if him and his friends read my message and laugh over it. I told him that only God knows how much he has hurt me. I also told him to never tell anyone that he liked me because it was never true. I told him “you do not avoid someone you like you avoid them because you do not like them” (of course I haven’t got a response from him. This has been so difficult for me but I hope one day I can get back to me. He broke me down physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally now I have to put the pieces back together all by myself. All I want is for him to say “it’s over” and I will be able to pick the pieces up but this not knowing is what’s killing me.

  8. People who are crying and dying: you are letting him win! I just ended a relationship with someone who I think has a severe case of NPD. The reason you are suffering so much is that your ego is badly damaged by the fact that someone you gave so much of your precious love, time, finances, etc. to could drop you like you never existed and move on with their life like nothing even happened, even though at one point they placed you on the highest pedestal possible. You and I are addicts. We got so high on the “reel-in” phase of the relationship, and then when the real, soulless person emerged we were devastated. It’s hard to face that this guy never loved you. But he didn’t because of you; he didn’t because love is not something he is capable of feeling. Go complete “no contact,” (if possible) just like an alcoholic must not have a single drink to recover. You ARE lovable. You ARE valuable. Get to a 12-step program, especially Co-Dependents Anonymous if in your area. I just went to my first meeting this week. If you let this behavior go on for any length of time, then you may have such tendencies. Let this experience be a learning experience about who you are, who he is / what kinds of people are out there / and how you were raised, and the dysfunctional issues that might have been there. My experience with him was awful, but it opened wide the dysfunctional nature of my whole life, and I think maybe it was something I had to go through to finally have it all make sense. It’s hard at 52 to try and do things differently, but I am now determined to take care of myself, think about my needs and wants, and have strong boundaries about what I will and won’t take from a man, and I just bet that’s finally going to attract the kind of good man I’ve never seemed to find.

  9. You’re response has helped me so much….. I cry everyday and I miss him but I have had no contact. It hurts bc I gave so much of my love to him and he just cheated and lied and never treated me like a human being. Thank you for writing this. It’s hard everyday.

  10. Susan P. Hansen

    i WAS MARRIED TO a Narcisstic man for 23 years. He was emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically abusive. How could someone ever stay with a man like that? I adored him, I put him on that pedastal he demanded, I let him control my jobs, who I associated with or not, my finances, everything about my life ran through him. I might add I was once a strong intelligent happy successful business woman. He stole my life. Life experiences I can never recover that I could have had with my children, my grandchildren, my friends. I had marvelous jobs and he would insist I change jobs for what seemed logical reasons at the time. This man has destroyed all semblance of who I ever was. I had finally given up on life itself. I saw no way out. Friends saw this and pulled me out. Literally. This experience need not happen to another woman ever again. I plead with you to get help. Though my spouse was arrested several times, and was sentenced to jail time, he never served it. Just another treatment program that did not work. They cant work. There is no conscience or semblance of conscience in these individuals. They see us as a tool, a means to their ends, a show piece, or a financial arm, or something that will make them look good to the real world. Note I said something, not someone. They discard us like a piece of garbage. This man killed my animals, did horrible things and I had lost all semblance of myself .I did not see how to get away. I plead with anyone reading this to run. leave your things, your money, your home, everything. But run. Dont waste another minute of your life. It is short enough as it is. You may lose everything but you will regain your life. I can never make up for the lost years but I can do things now with my family. Had I not left I would have committed suicide or he would have killed me. Nothing matters but that you run and totally remove yourself from any contact whatsoever. He had our phones connected to his computer so every call that came in he saw. He had my computer tapped with spyware of the most sophisticated kind. They have ways of tracking you but at the same time hate and want to destroy you. it doesnt make sense at all and dont even try to have it make sense. Just run. I have alot of work to do, alot of healing. But I have faith it will come.

  11. I recently divorced a narcissist after 18 years together. He moved out a year ago and because we have a child together, the hits keep coming. Thank you for writing. I keep telling myself it’s been a year, but in many regards I still feel shell shocked by the abrupt end of our relationship.

  12. Keep your focus on god! Pray without ceasing! Been there and done that! It takes time to heal. Remember you don’t come out of that situation the same as u went in. Most definitely do not and I say not have any contact with the narc as they are pure evil and twist what you say! I stayed for 17 yrs of hell. Thank god for divorce! Remember you will be ok god is on your side!

  13. It began with a friendship of one year. He was patient, kind, respectful and just seemed like a nice guy. Once we were together I started seeing signs of jealousy, at times being disrespectful. He still maintained his “you’re amazing and I love you mode” but when he would get upset he would say some mean and disrespectful things. Throughout the years he was involved with other women. He sought attention through social networks and his physical appearance. His sarcasm was always true and it was just a roller coaster. My stress and anxiety started going over the roof and then he would be okay like nothing, only for him to be angry the next day. He appeared to be a completely different person to others and on his social networks while he was emotionally and verbally abusing me. I see now he never cared about anyone except him. Unless a person was of use to him, he would keep them around. Once the mask fell off and I discovered the real him, he started being more disrespectful and putting me down. It was an unstable roller coaster for 4 years. A lot more happened, but i’m just glad to be out now. He still contacts me and gives me these love promises to which i do not believe one bit.

  14. I have read and read and read about this, this whatever it is!! In order to try to understand so I can take the pain away. I have blamed him, I have blamed me and I have cried and cried and cried. Your article is the only one I have read that has validated my ‘relentless’ search to try and understand why. I sometimes get glimpses of all that is possible for me now, a heart that I had forgotten about is beating there somewhere under the carnage that is my grief. I loved him so much but he threw it away, because I did and he was absolutely selfish. Thank you.

  15. Thank you so much for ur words… I read them over and over to help me and console me. Everything you said is perfectly right… It’s like we experienced the same thing and while I genuinely depressed and sad. And I’m sad that another person has gone thru this. I’m thankful for your post. Helps me push on. Thank you!! Thank you!

  16. Thank you..i have a narcissistic mum wh i live with…i need to Move out soon..i also had a narcissist friend 2 years ago…i Met her at my work place..she was my co-worker..shestarted ignoring me after 4 months of friendship. Looking back, i think she was jealous of my innocence, smartness, confidence and popularity..Lol i feel like i am talking myself up..after she started ignoring me, i chased her to save the friendship , she did Not respond…i got extremely hurt..a few months Later, When she was about to come back into my life, god revealed that If she comes back , there will Be a lot of strife in my life..godmade me resign my part Time Job in order to avoid thé strife she willse..that is how serious narcissists are..i understood ths year that my mum and this ex-friend are narcissists..i Thank gd for my Obedience at giving up my Job..what If i had arrogantly thought i could avoid strife with her and ignored god’s wisdom ? I shudder to think what would have happened.

    Trust ur gut instincts. God had tried to stop me from being friends with this girl from the beginning..i did not understand god’s warnings..god revealed to me this year , the losses i had in my other friendships due to her company and also the stupid decisions i made thanks to her stupid advice and stupid arrogant wisdom..
    Read Psalm 1.
    In youtube, Listen to ‘paula White – how to recognize divine connections’. & joel osteen – divine connections.
    In Google, search – Trust god’s barometer.
    Choose ur friends wisely.
    May god heal us All.

  17. Men and women fall in love with “the Narcissist.” And then they marry. Then, they get divorced. My question is: where can the non-narcissist folks find each other, have fun, respect each other, get married and have a life of quality? I just can’t find quality men. I would love to meet that gentleman who was married twice to disordered women, worked hard in IT and did everything in his power to preserve the marriages. I would not care if he was overweight or bald. The fact remaines that he was a honest and genuine person! I think someone should start up a support group and/or our own e-Harmony for people like us! Of note, I am not a lumpy dumpy person that is filled with pain and hurt…but am an educated, attractive, sweet and kind woman!

    • I so want to start this kind of dating pool for us Katie – based on those of us in the group who are single and want to meet “normal” or Non disordered people.

      So many of us are just as you describe! Attractive, kind hearted, don’t like conflict, educated, sweet and smart. Its unfortunate that a narcissist saw those qualities as attractive and then abused us anyway.

      We’ll come up with solutions for us!!!
      <3

  18. Thank you!
    I am in the denial stage since he”narc”tells me I am sick and to blame.
    I don’t know how I will make it..but I am ready to try!God help me,my abuser is a ordained minister who others admire.
    God sees all,the name calling,cunt,whore ,of course I deserve it cause I start it all.

  19. I’m writing this and suffering from a huge amount of stress weighing on me I should be happy he’s gone happy that he left me for someone else but I just feel so worthless discarded and inadequate….I have known a guy who Is a Socopath with narcissistic tendencies for 4 years I’m 27 and he is 30 we have a 3 year old together when we met it started off casual it was more sexual then anything else during that period he was pursuing many other girls when he found out I was pregnant he said he would be there for the child while he still carried on having sex with me with out any commitment but after 2 years had passed suddenly he went from liking me to been over the top in love with me it was insane overwhelming and flattering but also creepy when he kept stalking my place and looking in my bedroom window at odd hours of the night when I wouldint answer his calls phoning me 30 times and telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me I fell hard for him I really did he convinced my dad I Was the love of his life someone who he wanted to marry he put me on a pedestal but his constant stalking and excessive calling would creep me out he even started phoning my dad and harassing my facebook google plus it was insane he wanted to marry move in the works his daughter and I were the lights of his lives as he called us and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with us..the sex was amazing he could go hours at a time sometimes the whole night it was passionate and intense I was head over heels in love he wanted my undivided attention we did everything together sadly the fairy tale was all too good to be True little by little week by week he started devaluing me he started pushing for sexual acts for money saying I needed to make more income for our child ofcourse he was happy to participate he did it in such a way while still saying how much he loved me day by day he began pushing my boundaries he would start bringing up group sex and swinging I just thought he was kinky and had a high sex drive but what I have now realized is he was using me as means to exploit me for his own sick twisted sexual gratification he also stole from my dad who is disabled without feeling nothing he would go into my phone while I was sleeping and start accusing me of flirting with other men he kept asking for sexually graphic images of me he kept pushing me further and further whilst still portraying his charm he was a compulsive liar he lied about everything even the most inconsequential of things. I found a an empty piece of a condom wrapper beside his bedside table when I was sleeping at his house once he began saying it was a piece of a sweet wrapper a sweet wrapper!!!!! I kid you not when I proceeded to question him he asked me to just leave and go home he was nasty and spiteful about it to.still I refused to believe it still I refused to see he how was devaluing me more and more he would but then come back all sweet with loving words and I was hooked again eventually I had enough and wanted out of it despite how much I loved him something just didint feel right he wasn’t the same he would immediately go into a frenzy as soon as I tried to leave him would phone me begging for me to not leave him that he would change that he would try better and that he loved me and needed me he would stalk my house break into it and cry by my gate he was good at pretending to cry so stupid me took him back every time he would devalue me again soon afterwards and then when I would try leave he would put on the please don’t leave me you get the drift.after two years of our messed up relationship progressed the devaluing became more obvious and worse and then he did the worst thing and raped me against my will in my bedroom I wanted out I wanted to leave him but just thought he would go back to the way he was and all would be good again that I would put all his bad behavior behind me he started becoming physical and began pushing me into walls when I would try break up with him he kissed me passionately telling me he loved me and needed me and then when we made love and he was soon back to his devaluing nonsense again he became short fused with me early this year snapping at me for everything that I was lazy useless etc nothing I did was right in his eyes he began fighting with me infront of our child bringing me to t ears he just told me to stop being miserable and get a life whist I sat on the floor in tears it wasint long after that he broke up with me without warning or care he said he met someone at the new job he started he said it was for the best and that we were too destructive together and were best suited as friends and parents to our child I ofcourse begged and pleaded for him to take me back despite how much pain he caused me but he refused without no feeling I was so hooked on him so addicted I just wanted him to love me like in the beginning..when he found out I went to a party now this was after he broke up with me he found out I went to a party and demanded to know where I am who I’m with I told him to leave me alone and that he has someone now and we not together he said he does love me and won’t stop trying to protect me well after that night I asked if we could fix us he refused and gave me two anxiety attacks one after the other well after a month his OW obviously wasn’t fulfilling his desires and back on my case it was for 6 months straight phoning me coming over trying to have sex with me. By then I was starting to reach the end of my rope and began ignoring him I needed a break still he wouldint back down then he went to scotland for 2 weeks came back and dropped me on the spot saying how he met an artchitec and gave me the same pitch like before we destructive we can’t be together without feeling anything nothing at all its like I was nothing to him when before he left to scotland he said he loved me it was like his old self again he still slept with me and then comes back and decides its over and he has someone its been a month now and he is treating me worse then ever I have asked many times to set up visitation where he can see his daughter and not me and that I needed time to heal still he refuses while telling me what a great time he had at a swingers club the other night with his bi friend he hasint tried to have sex with me or anything so I presume he’s getting it from his OW when he broke up with me the second time which is recently he said I must be faithful to him and that he will do the same wtf??????he keeps saying he’s not sleeping with his OW and that he hasint had sex since us which I know is a lie he doesint stop he called me a bitch and a whore the other day all because I told him I was out with our daughter as soon as the weekend comes he harrases me and uses our daughter as an excuse to come over and when I say I am going out with her he demands to know where he also breaks into my place while I’m asleep he refuses to get back together and refuses to stop his emotinal abuse his mind games and verbal abuse I have asked him countless times I don’t want to see him I need to heal and that he must just see his daughter he refuses and gets really verbally abusive and says its in our daughters best interst I be present and go out with him and her when he’s around seeing her he stares at me the entire visit his eyes following my every movement apart of me still clings to him though still loves him but the other part of me wants him out my life to heal and he refuses I am suffering from acute depression after our fight he is ignoring me now and his messages are cold and brief I have been delaying him seeing our daughter as I just need to heal from him for a few days seeing him is killing me because I still love him and yet he feels nothing he just treats me like I never ment anything to him I feel like taking my life but I know I have to be strong still I can’t take him anymore apart of me wants to let go the other part is still holding on he stresses me out and walks out with a big evil grin on his face everyone said once he’s done with his OW he will be back but I’m scared if he does come back I might take him back so I can feel loved by him again there are so many decent guys out there and still I cling to this creep I just wish I knew how to get on with my life without thinking of him the thought of him being with her is destroying me I know I need counselling I’m a living wreck:(

  20. Thank you so much! I have read your comments over and over! It truly helps to read that I’m not alone… Although at times I feel like the only one going thru this pain and no one ( friends or family understands). It’s so hard bc I know he is still with the girl he cheated on me with. I know he’s not thinking of me or it crossed his mine the pain I’m going thru. I don’t sleep… I don’t eat. I truly read the comments and it helps! Thank you! And if you need anything to vent or feel weak the same my email is mlwtiger@yahoo.com! :)

  21. I really enjoy your article. The emphasis on the strength we have for enduring is indescribable, and terrific. I love too, the references to the amazing things that await. I have adopted the image of a diamond from coal. My story too, is virtually an indescribable one, where psychopathy in my family of origin joined with my ex-wife, through separation, divorce and custody things. And yes, Katie and Ana, there are some great men out here. Thanks.

  22. It takes all kinds. My narc ex and I started a relationship right out of High School. We were together 5 years and were married for 15 years after that. When I look back on it, there were indicators that something wasn’t right. I was naive so I didn’t know what his problem was. I just knew there was something not quite right. His mother had mental health issues to where she was treated in a state hospital (in the 60s). He could be fun and made me laugh but he also could get moody. I just figured he needed some TLC and he’d be alright. Silly me.

    As the years went by and we had children, he started being more and more verbally and emotionally abusive. One night it turned to physical violence so the kids and I went to a shelter. After a month we came home to try again and I tried everything I could think of for the next 2 years to make it better. Nothing worked because, according to him, there was nothing wrong with him, it was me. So one day after 2 years of this I had enough and got a lawyer.

    After he had to leave the house all hell broke loose. He used to threaten me with taking the kids and burning the house down but he didn’t do that. He just quit his job, told everyone who knew us all kinds of lies about me (including his family and my father), and did everything he could to avoid paying child support. The kids were 13, 9 & 7. That was 22 years ago. he still owes thousands in interest on the arrears! We learned over the years that one of his tricks was to tell women that I refused to let him see the kids and he would cry telling them this. He was so manipulative!

    I should also add that at some point in the marriage he started drinking, doing coke and screwing around with other women. He had a co-worker he used to “complain” about — you know, just a little too much– who was such a ladies man and doing coke but he also would go out at night with the guy and shower after he got home. I was pretty sure I knew what was going on. But I was stuck and it was so easy for me to deny things and he always had such “good” excuses.

    Recently an unrelated event occured so that I decided to reach out to him with his adult children to see if we could have peace. It really had been like it was a 22 year war. He finally told me why I was the “bad guy”. Apparently, when he was served with the subpoena for the separation court date, I “grinned” and I “laughed”. That was why he abandoned the kids and why he didn’t pay support! I can tell you I know I did not but that is his excuse.

    Long story short, I have just realized this past week that he is a narcissist. It explains so many things I can remember about him — even from the beginning when I was young and so naive. I don’t think he ever loved me. I think he was infatuated with me. I made friends easily and he admired that about me. But he also worked at taking that away from me over the years. I lost myself so much over the 20 years we were together. At the end it felt like I was on the edge of madness and I had to get out of the marriage or I would disappear for good.

    Even now he cannot tell me one good thing about our marriage or our family. So I have been thinking about how everything I thought was a lie. My handsome smart husband that I loved so very much was nothing more than a narcissist. I have work to do in processing it but I wanted to share so you all can know that here is yet another one and that it can stretch over 42 years!

  23. Lessie Eckenrode

    It has been year and a half of total and complete destruction I have allowed to happen to my life. Iloved ununconditionally. I am a smart, confident and driven 52 year old woman, how dod this happen to me?

    • I’m going to post your question and answer on our FB Page, (anonymously) if you’d like to read there – I hope to answer this for you (and SO MANY OTHERS who feel the same way)

      Stay Strong Lessie, this is a lesson we all have suffered through with you.

      XO

      • Whenever I read these messages, it breaks my heart. First, I recall how deeply devastating it feels in the beginning and how long it seems to keep going on, well past other experiences that we’ve survived in the past. The pain and devastation seems to take on a life of its own, with no end in sight, and really begins to feel like either WE are damaged goods or the narcissist has left a black, evil cloud over our lives that will NEVER go away.

        It’s particularly shocking (and common) to have achieved a certain level of enlightenment, strength, esteem and “smarts” in our lives only to face a person or situation that we’ve never dealt with before.

        I think this is what happens when normal people realize they’ve collided with a true sociopath. The narcissist unmasked, is one of the most perplexing and harmful creatures to caring human beings.

        Our world view prior to meeting a narcissist, is likely one that gives benefit of the doubt to everyone, is naive in the belief that other human beings are not predators upon us, and that most people are basically good.

        When we try to extend our own benevolent world views to someone that does not in anyway operate under the same humane beliefs, there is going to be an extended period of grieving, understanding and acceptance for us to grapple with until we have rolled into our worldview that bad people like the narcissist exist.

        Our tendency is to blame ourselves until we can no longer deny that the narcissist is a sociopathic creature unlike ourselves.

        By the very nature of proclaiming that we are “smart” “strong” “should have known better”, we are saying that somehow, we believe that not being prepared for a predator is “our fault”.

        Intelligence DOES NOT prepare us to deal with a narcissist or ward them off.

        Confidence is only a sure sign that the narcissist will find us attractive and want to identity thieve that natural esteem away from us, to replace their own manufactured self-esteem.

        What we each must find is what VULNERABILITY did we have that the narcissist was able to locate and exploit. Because THAT is what let them in. Our strengths, if taken too far can be vulnerabilities, or blind sights that we didn’t know existed until someone like the predating narcissist is able to weasle their way into and harm us.

        In my own case, my two vulnerabilities were that I’d been raised by a narcissistic mother who taught me how to be the perfect target. I was a people pleaser, with weak boundaries, who knew how to put myself last. Secondly, I was moving through a stage in my life where I’d identified as a mother and had become a new empty nester. The flattery and obsession of the narcissist felt like a I was being swept off my feet by a promise that my new “single life” would be full of romantic illusions and undying love.

        It is important to analyze your own vulnerabilities to the charming, lying, manipulative narcissist. Figure out where they got their foothold in your life – be starkly honest, because it is this portal that you’re going to spend your time focusing on shoring up.

        Finally, try to let go of the “timetable” that you think is enough time to grieve this and be done with it. Since the time spent involves so much of our own fabric, boundaries, world views, vulnerabilities, etc. There’s really no cap of time put on healing and becoming a new, stronger version of yourself. The truth is, change of self, which we ALL UNDERGO, is a longer process than just a standard “break up”.

  24. Wow I am so emotionally spiritually drained. A Psyc. Major, an army Ranger has been a Narsisit for 4 years. I see black, and my spirit is broke. I feel like being dead would be so much easier than living for my kids. I did it, I filed for a wedding he set up, I am a small blonde raising three wonderful blessed kids. They are my heros. But I I filed for divorce never living together four years thankfully. No kids together. He makes 300,000 and I make 25000 and he used me for every dollar he could. I have blocked him on my phone and want the darkness to go away. Please I want it tomorrow not today. We are body builders and when hit me for jealousy it hurt so bad. I never told anyone. Soul Rape….. Please feel free to look me up ;) book Lisa sparky sparkman.

  25. I can’t seem to wrap my head around all of this. I found out today that my ex could be one who suffers from this disorder. I don’t know what to think right now, it makes sense but at the same time, it doesn’t.

    Any suggestions on how this will get easier to move forward? I already go to therapy… :(

  26. I recommend looking at videos on youtube about narcissistic abuse. Look into something called ‘neuropeptides’– chemicals associated with emotions produced in the brain. There are numerous videos out there so you can watch as much or as little as you need. That said, those who particularly have been helpful to me are: Spartanlifecoach (if you don’t mind language), Melanie Tonia Evans (has a great explanation of peptides and overcoming Narc abuse.), and Sam Vaknin (my jury’s out on this one but he has some interesting things to say). If none of these do it for you, there are many more. Good luck!

    • Also, this may seem totally crazy and off the wall, but I’ve been finding the video, “Call Me Maybe”, made by some special forces guys in Afghanistan (2 years ago, in response to a Miami Dolphins cheerleaders video that was sent to our troops) to be helpful. It’s fun to watch, makes me smile and, besides their general cuteness, (hotness? lol) these guys are something that “our” narcissists would NEVER be.

      I’m finding it helpful on so many levels but also to see what “real” men are like and that these guys are working hard and doing a tough job and they do it for each other. NOT something a narc would EVER do! For me, it reminds me how I wanted “my” narc (way back when) to join the Navy and he pretended he was going to and then he didn’t. There is one guy in the video that vaguely reminds me of my ex but I can also see how that guy stepped up to the plate when mine didn’t. It helps me, anyway.

      And let’s face it, we NEED something to make us smile and to know that there ARE men out there who are willing to make sacrifices and do the hard thing because it’s their duty & their job. You know?

  1. Pingback: Seeking knowledge of a sociopath - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

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