New Ways To Healing

 

You begin in shock. In disbelief. You may suffer from Post Traumatic Stress (I did). As you are beginning to re-remember, the feelings are going to be overwhelming. Every emotion under the sun. Chaotic feelings. Tremendous ambivalence. Anger, hatred, vengefulness, murder, all the really nasty stuff. Terrible, soul-tearing loneliness. This is normal, this is you being human. Feel all the feelings, cry an ocean. This is grieving. I cried for 3 years, almost every day. I was comforted by this saying from mystical Judaism, “G-d counts the tears of women” (and men, I’m sure).
At the same time,

Learn everything you can about psychopathy and pathological narcissism. We are not talking just immature jerks here, or the abusive, but hardcore pathology.

Return to the past and remember and review in detail. This is not obsessing- this preoccupation is very necessary for healing because you are starting from square one — what you thought existed, did not. So you must find out what really existed- replace the pathway of emotion laden remembrance with the stark, unyielding reality.

It is through the above 3 ways that we emotionally detach-separate ourselves from the psychopath-character disordered, when we begin to grasp the massive deception and subtle, practised erosion of our beings. Always we must trust our gut as we work this out and thru.

Rehearse and reinforce that this was not a normal person, that it was a lie, that it had nothing to do with you (the hardest)- but it did happen to you- and there is no psychological rhyme nor reason to it because psychopaths-character disordered are in a mysterious class by themselves, not really from this planet as we know it.

Know that they wanted something good from you. Remember it.

You will question yourself and that is normal- people who are normal, have consciences, examine themselves, ask themselves what they could have done differently- this is part of reviewing- What could you have done? nothing- you didn’t know they were disordered- now you know- learn all you can about how they work-how they did it- that is your task- to see that they manipulated you and that you were no match for them (nor were some “experts” where psychopaths were concerned).

Discipline yourself to stop looking at your ‘faults’ as connected to the psychopath-character disordered specifically – any encounter with anyone can trigger a desire to re-evaluate one’s life and behaviour- this is normal and progressive- it’s a testament to your desire and ability to grow and transcend, to move forward and blossom- the encounter may provide the spark, the seed- your ‘faults’ or ‘weaknesses’ did not cause you to be targetted and manipulated by the character disordered.

Try not to psychologise yourself- do it with a therapist but only one who lays the blame where it belongs- on the perpetrator-abuser. Trust no one on the net to psychologise you- they have no right; and it’s the blind leading the blind, imo.

Hang out with people who emotionally support you but do not make you doubt yourself- people who try to tell you or imply that you are somehow at fault – do not confide in anyone who pathologises your behaviour or brings you pathologising theories- a psychopath-character disordered is a relationship anomaly/aberration- normal rules don’t apply and neither do theories (for that’s all they are, and largely uncompassionate, I think) about us, the survivors. As long as you continue to psychologise yourself about this (non)relationship, you remain attached.

Know that you did not have control over the encounter, that you do not have control over anything except what you choose to believe and do- choose to elevate everything around you. Choose life.

Repair what is broken- Force yourself to Turn away from the face of evil and add something to the world- even while you are in shock, take a moment to be kind to someone, some small thing or kind thought, and take charge of your soul- be the captain. I have overcome a lot of damage just by putting one step in front of the other and laying a new foundation bit by bit in repairing a bit of the world. No one can take that away from me. When you see what you can do to make the world a better place, how the world responds to you, you won’t listen to anyone who is only looking to fix you by telling you how you are broken. You have a broken,shattered heart and you already know that. End of story.

What is your goal now that you are moving away from this damaging environment? It’s important to have an elevating goal that will inspire you to greatness, spiritual and otherwise. 

If you are reading this, you are a person of considerable character and thought. You are not willing to lie down and die. You will not allow what happened to defeat you. You survived to get to this place- there is great strength in that.

Know what you stand for, what you are willing to live and to die for. Learn this about yourself as you work things through.

Know that this too shall pass and that the other side is wonderful, is amazing, something that you can’t imagine right now. You will amaze yourself. In moments of despair and moments of soul searing loneliness, know that you are not alone. You are supported. And others have gotten through this and you will too. And you will do it with the dignity that is your birthright- in a perfectly human way.

  1. After living with a guy for nearly a year and thought I was going crazy. We were basically roommates and it was strange just because he would keep on insisting that he wasn’t interested in a relationship and he wasn’t the type that would engage in sexual activity with anyone that wasn’t his girlfriend. I am a pretty straightforward person so although I was mildly attracted to him, I didn’t pursue anything with him because I prefer to be in or on the verge of a committed relationship prior to having sex with a man as well. So I figured we would remain friends. I’ve always mostly lived with men as roommates before this for almost 10 years so this wasn’t anything new to me.

    But then Valentine’s Day rolled around and he brought home flowers for me. I thought it was weird, and I honestly got a bit peeved just because it felt like he was trying to romance me when he had no intention of having a relationship with me. He then accused me of playing games with him for mildly berating him for doing something nice for me. He then progressed to call me nicknames and kissing me on occasion so the lines between friendship and relationship were slightly blurred although we never became physical with each other.

    We shared a lot of mutual friends at the time, but they were much closer to him than me, and he managed to slowly isolate me from them. I think they would text him to do something and invite me along, but would not let me know and go without telling me.

    I would try to confront him about some of his strange behaviors, but he would just get angry. I look back and realize that he had intentionally isolated me from everyone close to him and it was weird because our mutual friends stopped responding to my texts as well. He had then told me that he didn’t invite me to come along with him anymore because I was embarrassing and unpleasant to be around. I started to believe him just because everyone stopped responding to me as well. I thought that maybe I was inadvertently doing something wrong and that I was fundamentally flawed in ways that repelled people. He would confirm this. Bit by bit, he broke my self-esteem down this way and these mutual friends just stood around and watched. He convinced me that I was a “fake” person that mislead people, that my accomplishments in life weren’t real, that my aspirations were unattainable and everyone thinks so as well, and the list goes on…. This drove me into a deep depression and he blamed the fact that I had become isolated because of this and that I was simply “not mentally strong enough” to endure what he was putting me through.

    I tried to seek out other relationships, but I was living in a strange city that I didn’t feel like I fit in. I was trying really desperately to rebuild a social life to no avail. I ended up leaving completely just because my living situation became intolerable and I couldn’t find any social alternatives. But I left quite damaged. My self esteem was an all-time low, i forgot who I was, and worse yet, I was completely obsessed with this guy with whom I had no sexual relationship. I was literally devastated when I saw pictures of him with another girl on Facebook, smiling and hanging out with the very friends that ostracized me. And logically, I couldn’t seem to understand why all this mattered to me so much when we weren’t even in a committed relationship.

    Then I realized just this week that he must have been a raging narcissist. I always characterized him as a wolf in sheep’s clothing – he appears harmless, is very kind and generous, and a really great listener. He used to help me with my bags, carry my groceries into the house when he was around, and all the other manly things. But I was unluckily one of his few victims that had the chance to live with him and truly get to know him. For whatever odd reason, he loved to break me down and no matter how much I tried to fight back, he always sought to win and then run off with his friends to have a grand ol’ time while I sat at home alone. Because he was so outwardly kind, I made excuses. I started believing that I could actually be the source of the problem just because I was the one without friends. I’m really angry at myself for not getting out of this situation sooner, but I am glad that this relationship was never a romantic one just because it would’ve been much harder for me to remove myself from. But I do think that he is a covert narcissist that was having his ego hurt just by the fact that I didn’t outwardly shower him with the attention he was so desperately seeking from a woman. I wasn’t going to do that if he wasn’t going to show me any signs indicating he wanted any type of a loving relationship with me. He’d even tell me that I wasn’t his type and that I didn’t motivate him enough to feel like he could love him at certain points.

    Bizarre.

  2. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years on Friday. I’m sure he had other gf’s as well. He lied so many times, he cheated so many times. And I kept forgiving him. He would curse me out and yell at me I was scared to do anything. It was like I was walking on eggshells not to make him mad. I was always being accused of cheating on him and I never did. While all the time I was never good enough for him. It’s like a cycle he was never happy with him self so he would take it out on me. I loved him with all my heart. I’ve been in bed for days. My heart hurts so much. The depression I have is like I’m dying. I can’t eat. I take meds to sleep. Life is so hard for me right now. I always thought what could have I done. I did everything for him. And now he won’t even acknowledge my existence. I walked away Friday when I found him cheating for the 4th time. And sending her the same messages. I just want to sleep and this nightmare to be over

  3. Thank you dear kindred spirit for writing this post! It gives me not just hope but strength and encouragement along the journey to creating an amazing new life! Thank you

  4. I feel like I’m dying inside…. I’ve been thru this cycle for 3 years. I’ve been lied to so many times it’s unbelievable I’ve been cheated on so many times I can’t count. However, I truly loved him and I’m now at the end of this relationship and I’m heartbroken and crying bc I loved him so so much. I feel like I’m dying inside.

  5. I was pursued for over a year by someone I now believe to be a narcissist. I was never completely sure about him, but he finally convinced me that he loved me and there was no-one else. After a couple of months of being together he went cold on me and when I reacted badly to this he disappeared for the weekend and wouldn’t respond to me. He text me to say lets cool it and then the next day wanted me to be his friend. I tried for a while, but I couldn’t handle it and he kept saying whatever I needed. Then because I wasn’t responding to him he flipped a switch and decided to tell everyone about the girls he was now hooking up with. I had him about it and he said he had done it to annoy men, but in not such a nice way. ANNOY ME!! What he did was devastating as I did genuinely love him and this was a few weeks after we split. He had spent over a year convincing me he cared for me and then when he got me he moved on. I look back now and think the whole argument we had was manipulated by him so he could move on to his latest conquest. I find it hard to accept that another human being can do this to someone they claim to care about, but the more I read these articles the more I realise that it’s normal for a narcissist. We work together which means I have made the decision to leave as I can’t cope with his mood swings. Now he knows I’m going he’s trying to communicate with me again as though we can ever go back to being friends. He was never and will never be a friend! Just wish my feelings weren’t so all over the place still. Thanks for writing this!

  6. I just ended my relationship with my narcissistic boyfriend yesterday via text. We started dating in January. At first I did not want any relations with him but he kept being persistent and telling me stories about his horrible childhood (his father wanted him aborted, he will be happy when he is dead and so on). I felt sorry for him and decided to talk with him after class (I think this was my biggest mistake in my life). I fell for all his sob stories and so I wanted to help him. We went out a few times this is where he told me I make him happy, he admires me, he loves me…you guess it he said it. I was happy I found my prince charming. Then one day he walked me to my apt and wanted to sleep with me. He said he did not want sex just to hold me and I told him no. Anyways the next day he came to my apartment and ask to come up again and I said no I don’t know you that well, he laughed and said he was testing me. After that incident he began giving me the silent treatment. I never understood what he was doing but I would always try to reach out to him. I thought that maybe he was scared of losing me so he is distancing himself from me. I apologized and we got back but it seems like every two weeks he would disappeared off the face of the earth. At one point I gave up and he came back again.He sent me a text and told me that he is avoiding me because he likes me WHAT…Anyways it got to the point where I felt like he basically abandoned me, I told him and he said how I was being silly and to stop thinking silly things. He said he will see when he has free time (this was after one month of no communication what so ever). Everyday after work he goes out with his friends, everyday and now he does have 1 second for me. I text him and told him he treated me worse than a dead animal I did not get any response. Two weeks later I told him to tell me if you do not want me anymore, I am tired of this silent treatment, I got nothing from him. Yesterday I finally told him I tried but maybe I did not try hard enough, he wins I lose I can’t do it anymore I need to protect myself. I told him for three months I cried myself to sleep, I don’t care if him and his friends read my message and laugh over it. I told him that only God knows how much he has hurt me. I also told him to never tell anyone that he liked me because it was never true. I told him “you do not avoid someone you like you avoid them because you do not like them” (of course I haven’t got a response from him. This has been so difficult for me but I hope one day I can get back to me. He broke me down physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally now I have to put the pieces back together all by myself. All I want is for him to say “it’s over” and I will be able to pick the pieces up but this not knowing is what’s killing me.

  7. People who are crying and dying: you are letting him win! I just ended a relationship with someone who I think has a severe case of NPD. The reason you are suffering so much is that your ego is badly damaged by the fact that someone you gave so much of your precious love, time, finances, etc. to could drop you like you never existed and move on with their life like nothing even happened, even though at one point they placed you on the highest pedestal possible. You and I are addicts. We got so high on the “reel-in” phase of the relationship, and then when the real, soulless person emerged we were devastated. It’s hard to face that this guy never loved you. But he didn’t because of you; he didn’t because love is not something he is capable of feeling. Go complete “no contact,” (if possible) just like an alcoholic must not have a single drink to recover. You ARE lovable. You ARE valuable. Get to a 12-step program, especially Co-Dependents Anonymous if in your area. I just went to my first meeting this week. If you let this behavior go on for any length of time, then you may have such tendencies. Let this experience be a learning experience about who you are, who he is / what kinds of people are out there / and how you were raised, and the dysfunctional issues that might have been there. My experience with him was awful, but it opened wide the dysfunctional nature of my whole life, and I think maybe it was something I had to go through to finally have it all make sense. It’s hard at 52 to try and do things differently, but I am now determined to take care of myself, think about my needs and wants, and have strong boundaries about what I will and won’t take from a man, and I just bet that’s finally going to attract the kind of good man I’ve never seemed to find.

  8. You’re response has helped me so much….. I cry everyday and I miss him but I have had no contact. It hurts bc I gave so much of my love to him and he just cheated and lied and never treated me like a human being. Thank you for writing this. It’s hard everyday.

  9. Susan P. Hansen

    i WAS MARRIED TO a Narcisstic man for 23 years. He was emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically abusive. How could someone ever stay with a man like that? I adored him, I put him on that pedastal he demanded, I let him control my jobs, who I associated with or not, my finances, everything about my life ran through him. I might add I was once a strong intelligent happy successful business woman. He stole my life. Life experiences I can never recover that I could have had with my children, my grandchildren, my friends. I had marvelous jobs and he would insist I change jobs for what seemed logical reasons at the time. This man has destroyed all semblance of who I ever was. I had finally given up on life itself. I saw no way out. Friends saw this and pulled me out. Literally. This experience need not happen to another woman ever again. I plead with you to get help. Though my spouse was arrested several times, and was sentenced to jail time, he never served it. Just another treatment program that did not work. They cant work. There is no conscience or semblance of conscience in these individuals. They see us as a tool, a means to their ends, a show piece, or a financial arm, or something that will make them look good to the real world. Note I said something, not someone. They discard us like a piece of garbage. This man killed my animals, did horrible things and I had lost all semblance of myself .I did not see how to get away. I plead with anyone reading this to run. leave your things, your money, your home, everything. But run. Dont waste another minute of your life. It is short enough as it is. You may lose everything but you will regain your life. I can never make up for the lost years but I can do things now with my family. Had I not left I would have committed suicide or he would have killed me. Nothing matters but that you run and totally remove yourself from any contact whatsoever. He had our phones connected to his computer so every call that came in he saw. He had my computer tapped with spyware of the most sophisticated kind. They have ways of tracking you but at the same time hate and want to destroy you. it doesnt make sense at all and dont even try to have it make sense. Just run. I have alot of work to do, alot of healing. But I have faith it will come.

  10. I recently divorced a narcissist after 18 years together. He moved out a year ago and because we have a child together, the hits keep coming. Thank you for writing. I keep telling myself it’s been a year, but in many regards I still feel shell shocked by the abrupt end of our relationship.

  1. Pingback: Seeking knowledge of a sociopath - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

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