New Ways To Healing

 

You begin in shock. In disbelief. You may suffer from Post Traumatic Stress (I did). As you are beginning to re-remember, the feelings are going to be overwhelming. Every emotion under the sun. Chaotic feelings. Tremendous ambivalence. Anger, hatred, vengefulness, murder, all the really nasty stuff. Terrible, soul-tearing loneliness. This is normal, this is you being human. Feel all the feelings, cry an ocean. This is grieving. I cried for 3 years, almost every day. I was comforted by this saying from mystical Judaism, “G-d counts the tears of women” (and men, I’m sure).
At the same time,

Learn everything you can about psychopathy and pathological narcissism. We are not talking just immature jerks here, or the abusive, but hardcore pathology.

Return to the past and remember and review in detail. This is not obsessing- this preoccupation is very necessary for healing because you are starting from square one — what you thought existed, did not. So you must find out what really existed- replace the pathway of emotion laden remembrance with the stark, unyielding reality.

It is through the above 3 ways that we emotionally detach-separate ourselves from the psychopath-character disordered, when we begin to grasp the massive deception and subtle, practised erosion of our beings. Always we must trust our gut as we work this out and thru.

Rehearse and reinforce that this was not a normal person, that it was a lie, that it had nothing to do with you (the hardest)- but it did happen to you- and there is no psychological rhyme nor reason to it because psychopaths-character disordered are in a mysterious class by themselves, not really from this planet as we know it.

Know that they wanted something good from you. Remember it.

You will question yourself and that is normal- people who are normal, have consciences, examine themselves, ask themselves what they could have done differently- this is part of reviewing- What could you have done? nothing- you didn’t know they were disordered- now you know- learn all you can about how they work-how they did it- that is your task- to see that they manipulated you and that you were no match for them (nor were some “experts” where psychopaths were concerned).

Discipline yourself to stop looking at your ‘faults’ as connected to the psychopath-character disordered specifically – any encounter with anyone can trigger a desire to re-evaluate one’s life and behaviour- this is normal and progressive- it’s a testament to your desire and ability to grow and transcend, to move forward and blossom- the encounter may provide the spark, the seed- your ‘faults’ or ‘weaknesses’ did not cause you to be targetted and manipulated by the character disordered.

Try not to psychologise yourself- do it with a therapist but only one who lays the blame where it belongs- on the perpetrator-abuser. Trust no one on the net to psychologise you- they have no right; and it’s the blind leading the blind, imo.

Hang out with people who emotionally support you but do not make you doubt yourself- people who try to tell you or imply that you are somehow at fault – do not confide in anyone who pathologises your behaviour or brings you pathologising theories- a psychopath-character disordered is a relationship anomaly/aberration- normal rules don’t apply and neither do theories (for that’s all they are, and largely uncompassionate, I think) about us, the survivors. As long as you continue to psychologise yourself about this (non)relationship, you remain attached.

Know that you did not have control over the encounter, that you do not have control over anything except what you choose to believe and do- choose to elevate everything around you. Choose life.

Repair what is broken- Force yourself to Turn away from the face of evil and add something to the world- even while you are in shock, take a moment to be kind to someone, some small thing or kind thought, and take charge of your soul- be the captain. I have overcome a lot of damage just by putting one step in front of the other and laying a new foundation bit by bit in repairing a bit of the world. No one can take that away from me. When you see what you can do to make the world a better place, how the world responds to you, you won’t listen to anyone who is only looking to fix you by telling you how you are broken. You have a broken,shattered heart and you already know that. End of story.

What is your goal now that you are moving away from this damaging environment? It’s important to have an elevating goal that will inspire you to greatness, spiritual and otherwise. 

If you are reading this, you are a person of considerable character and thought. You are not willing to lie down and die. You will not allow what happened to defeat you. You survived to get to this place- there is great strength in that.

Know what you stand for, what you are willing to live and to die for. Learn this about yourself as you work things through.

Know that this too shall pass and that the other side is wonderful, is amazing, something that you can’t imagine right now. You will amaze yourself. In moments of despair and moments of soul searing loneliness, know that you are not alone. You are supported. And others have gotten through this and you will too. And you will do it with the dignity that is your birthright- in a perfectly human way.

  1. Well, I have read these posts and wonder what took me so long to make it here and why I am feeling what I am feeling. I also see a majority of the posts are from women. The interesting thing is that they are all about the same person, and the one that I married 7 years ago.

    This was my second marriage and I was taken by the level of confidence with this woman (named “K”. She was amazing. I met her as I was recovering from a marriage to a diagnosed BPD, who ended up marrying my narcissistic business partner. K took my side and gave me some amazing advice on dealing with some very significant issues with child custody situation.

    My first clue should have been how badly she talked about her previous husbands and how much she focused on the “fact” that they had cheated on her. I identified with her completely. I was in desperate need of a makeover, mentally and spiritually. She professed to be a devout christian since childhood. Once again, I identified with her completely. But there was an interesting question that she asked me; “are you the jealous type? because I do get hit on a lot.” Of course, I said “no”. I expected that to a certain degree because while she was not overly flirtatious, she is very attractive.

    The second red flag was the situation with her children. At a young age, they were making parenting and planning decisions carte blanche. Also, the older child of two seemed to have some real anger issues. I figured that I would be an excellent influence on them. So, i attempted to bond with them. There were a few times that when I exercised some very basic parenting efforts, only to be immediately chastised in front of these children. I was confused having no experience with broken families. I started reading and found that my role was really supposed to be a “guide” – this worked for K because she could regain and maintain control.

    Once we were married, I lost all of my friends, my music playing and standard casual activities. I really thought nothing about it because these were concessions to our “new life”. For me, a fresh start was appealing. What I didn’t know was that she was starting the process of owning me.

    The third red flag came about the same time that we were married after about 2 years of some fairly good times, and comparatively wonderful to my previous marriage. She started accusing me of ogling other women. It never happened. I was completely dedicated to her, which is my character and personality. I never had a thought of infidelity. Not one.

    Then more red flags started popping up. She started introducing me to her “friends” which were actually FWBs. She would be incensed if any clue of a previous relationship surfaced (yes, I had a few in between). I found out that she had a series of one night stands with very good looking young men, many of them still texting her, expecting me to accept the fact that she is just that popular. The question about “jealousy” from the beginning of our relationship became apparently a seeking of permission to retain the attention and the denial that she was giving to these men. She was literally getting off on my apprehension and continuously shutting these men down, nicely of course, to keep them on the hook.

    Then the real fun began. I like to travel. EVERY trip that I went on, with her or not, became a struggle. She would seem agitated by the presence of any beautiful woman. She started projecting her feelings of insecurity on me at every possibility. When I started calling her out on it, she would literally deny that she was doing it.

    Once we moved into a new house and I doubled my salary in a year, she became money drunk. $200/month for hair, thousands on credit cards during Christmas to impress her friends. She even tried to get me to trade her brand new car for something nicer without any clue to the impact that it was having on our finances. Then, she stopped taking child support from her husband. I was now paying for that also.

    Then what I call “Boys Weekend” began. Every other weekend, she would completely separate from me and spend the weekend with her boys in our house. Spending increased and I was counseled on how I need to give more to the church. I started taking a lower and lower spot in my own house and became the source of all arguments, which was really just me expressing my concerns and displeasure.

    When I started traveling more for work, I was suckered into agreeing that I would never drink under any circumstances. Once, I had a glass of wine and was accused of “lying to my wife” and “not caring about our relationship”. That’s when I became completely neutered and actually found myself lying to her to keep the peace. I also forced my own children, who lived with us, to “be more accepting”, which was her chief complaint. All the while, the boys flop house style room was a complete disaster area.

    K started expecting me to praise her children for the most mundane tasks around the house and supporting their sports events. She was absolutely convinced that her children were star athletes, buying them exclusive training and expensive shoes. Not only are they terrible athletes, they couldn’t care less about even playing. All the while, the excuses for poor performance were blamed on the “overbearing” ex-husband (who is an ESPN obsessive jock).

    The frequency of sex slowed to a crawl. I was told that I just wasn’t “filling her love tank” and if I would just care for her more that she would feel driven to please me physically. During this time, I found out that she had been spying on me by tracking my credit card expenses. She confronted me several times accusing me of buying dinner for “another person” because the charges were so high. Honestly, most of it was on drinks. I was self-medicating. When I confronted her with this issue, I was told “we are married, I can do what I want.” and then was immediately accused of having an affair because I didn’t like her monitoring me.

    Then the accusations and arguments got worse. I was blamed for everything and she never apologized first. The order of operation was very simple. I would bring up an issue, she would get offended, I would get pissed because were weren’t considering my feelings in the matter, and then we would argue about my “delivery” or “reaction”. This happened each time with any discipline issues with her boys. They would do something stupid, I would bring it up or react to it and then I would become the problem. I started questioning my own sanity. So did my kids. My daughter essentially spent a year in her room isolated from us.

    I caught her flirting with the HVAC guy using my security system. My heart sank. I was absolutely broken and extremely upset. That was right before Christmas and I was fully emasculated at that point. No control or influence in my own house, zero sexual connection with my wife and being accused of being a philanderer.

    The final straw came at Christmas when I was vocally upset with the fact that we were into spending at a rate of $5000 with none of the bills paid. I always pay off our credit cards monthly but they were maxed out and we were spending cash. I cussed her out and her older son came at me with some disrespectful language and a threat to hurt me. I confronted him and she stepped between us and defended him. I kicked them out with the cops at the door. This was about the 3rd or 4th time that I had to call the cops to protect myself (legally) from being accused. The truth is that she was verbally abusive. She was also physical with me several times. She would fly into a rage when I would confront her with logic in her arguments with me.

    We separated. I gave her a bunch of cash and a car. I got everything else. She was on her own.

    Then I started allowing my conscious to get the better of me. I knew that I was hurt an angry and started dealing with it inwardly, blaming myself. I went back to her with a series of apologies. Not ONCE did she apologize for one thing. However, things went really well while I was hat in hand. While I was wooing her, she was highly energetic. Then, the accusations and neediness got out of hand. I was still completely secondary in every way, to every other person, especially her boys. A series of other events occurred, including a complete meltdown on another trip that I took my daughter instead of her. She didn’t even want to see the pictures.

    The final straw was when three months later from our separation, that she hit me up for a loan. She had completely spent every dime of a VERY large sum of money. I had taken on all of our debt as a concession to keep the house (which she could never afford on her own). An here I was, giving her more money. After a date to the movies, we went back to her house and her ex-husband is hanging out “because they boys wanted him to” and “its my house, its not your concern”. I confronted her about it in a calm and even manner. She called me “negative” and accused me of having some sort of mental issue.

    I cut it off immediately and here I am typing this catharsis.

    I know now that I was dealing with a narcissist, which has been the contention of my therapist for over a year. I know now that I was a sucker. She was gorgeous and I am an overweight IT geek. I just thought I won her with my brain. I didn’t. I’m in debt up to my eyeballs which she is planning to meet up with her ex-boyfriends for a high school reunion party. Since we split up, she has posted several “selfies” for the pure intention of eliciting “wows” and “oh boys” from her pathetic ex-lovers and wannabenexters.

    The family situation from her childhood is a perfect, textbook environment for producing a narcissist. No one cared for her and she ran loose without supervision throughout her teen years. Her split family was so disjointed that her focus was on gaining the attention of as many boys/men as possible. This wasn’t apparent to me until much later in the relationship.

    There are so many adages that can be applied to my story, and I know that. “Too good to be true”… “Apple from the tree”, etc etc etc. But I truly loved this woman and I gave her my heart. Its shattered now. However, I have started getting mentally, spiritually and physically fit. Sometimes i hate my new freedom but mostly I like it. All I want is someone that I can share my life experiences with. I am a traditional man with conservative values and I am facing the failure of two marriages. Its devastating. It even worse to know that I am a highly intellectual man and have been take twice by women with severe mental issues.

    My focus is now on recovery and the avoidance of any future postings on similar web sites. Thanks for reading this. If you read the entire thing, I am both surprised and impressed. I wish that I would have read these posts sooner but I would have applied some rationalization that would have ended in a pathetic self-accusation. Man, I really need to work on my self-esteem.

    I hope that if you are reading this because you are in a relationship and this sounds familiar that you will do everything you can to get out and be protected.

    Cheers

    • you are a good man…your Cinderella is out there somewhere..i will pray for you..

      • Thank you for the kind words. I have been blessed to have a good woman enter my life. We are good friends with similar experiences with narcs. The key is to to ask Him for what you need and not what you want

      • Well what can I say… Same scenario for a woman N, dont give up…
        You will recover… Mine similar situation. Cost emotional energy, money and also was submissivley ‘abused’. Constant verbal attacks, always away from others.
        Know understand about persoanl boundaries and to always up hold own core values..
        Lesson well learnt, and you will love again after much self growth.
        Good Luck.
        Cheers K

    • If you only knew how intense this was to read to a lot of men that have been in your shoes.. I have been healing from a narsisisitic woman now for only 3 months. Please know that your story is a true inspiration and I plan to read it every time I feel that I was the one to blame. Thank you so much for taking the time to sit down and write that. I hope all is well and you realize you are a strong and wonderful man.

      • Taking the blame is the hardest part. They will never release you from the burden they out on you. They go on as if nothing ever happened. It’s like a shark going after chum. We are all garbage in their eyes. We are nothing but meat to be devoured and turned into dung. They pollute the world with their disease and create themselves in their children. What I have learned about my ex since this initial posting is far beyond what I thought was possible. She has absolutely no conscience and is now destroying relationships and family simply to fill her her own void. It’s pathetic and I’m powerless to do anything because everyone just thinks she’s great. I hope and pray that one day she will be exposed and destroyed but it’s not likely because our culture enables these sick and twisted people.

    • Thanks for your testimony ! I really connected !
      The it can be done don’t go down you can do it I did it . Made me feel hopeful ! Because that’s not where I’m at right now! Then to top it off with its not going to be easy and you are going to need professtional help is exactly what I was thinking! You have been there and coming back is imsprational!
      Might be what I needed ! Thanks !

    • Life after the narc

      Dear Iregeek,

      I have been reading and studying about narcissism for days and weeks. It is like I can’t get enough information and I am so hungry to understand what the heck happened in my life with my N for almost 2 years. I had no idea that this personality disorder existed, but since learning about it, I realize my Mom had a lot of tendencies towards narcissism. I have only been free of my N for 2 weeks having blocked all ability for him to contact me. It has been, at times, excruciating to deal with the loss. It helps tremendously to keep reading about this disorder to remind myself that to go back would mean a loss of my soul. Only those that have experienced the traumas of severe narcissistic behavior can appreciate what I mean by loss of your soul.

      I appreciate your honesty in reflecting back your experience with your wife. This is the first time I have responded on one of these forums about this subject matter. For some reason, your post touched me and I wanted to say thank you.

      Kind regards,
      Wendy

      • Wendy.

        I’m glad my words could help. I wish you all the best.

        Remember, it was and never will be you. You were created by the narc. Now, recreate. You have the power inside and nowhere else.

        Stan.

    • Oh my God my dear sister don’t cry tears of sorrow; you are dying inside only so you can live again. You have to believe that after this painful death you shall rise again. I believe; will you believe with me. I’m on my 28th day of no contact. It’s hard not I feel new life growing to help remove the death of my soul.

    • I have never posted anything about my personal life on the internet – iam totally against it – I don’t even know how blogs work or if this is one , or how your page works.
      This may give a example of how terrified and in shock iam. And hurt so bad that there is no word that exists to express how I feel and to the level destruction of my life, my body and soul that has happened. And to realize now iam totally alone and don’t know how to live and so afraid.
      I’ve been through a lot in life, but this is probably the worst thing I have ever experienced.
      Untill a few days ago, I never knew what a narcissitic person was or did, I thought it was a word for a person that who just thought highly of themselves,
      And for the lack of a better word because iam at a a loss for words a person who was conceited about their looks.
      I don’t know if I can ever get over this – I don’t think iam different than any other woman – and I feel so badly for anyone who has gone through this and I applaud them and admire and them for getting over this, because for me I think iam damaged for the rest of my life –
      I realize now after all the things I’ve read in the last 4 days “non-stop” , no sleep, no eating , just searching and reading crying and reading whatever I found. I really think I am in shock – I’m in such a dark place there is just know way to ever live again.
      I can’t shower, go to work. Leave my apartment – and I hate myself for letting this happen, my life is ruined my soul is dead.
      This is worse than being hit or physically hurt. ( to me ) .
      This site really open my eyes for some reason – I have looked at everything on the internet compulsively 24 hours the last 3 days.
      I have discovered things about him in these days that I never knew.
      I read the word above so many times and I must have PSTD. I’m going to see a psychologist tommorow – but it’s
      So raw and shocking I just do not have any clue how to get out of this part. I don’t know how I will be able to drive to the psychologist.
      I’m confused writing this – I don’t know if it makes sense.
      The hardest part for me to comprehend is that it’s planned – they know what they are doing, and in my case he knew what I have been through in my life, and he turns out to be the worst thing that has happened,
      The cruelest person I’ve ever met, sneakiest, knieving, lying heartless human being that I ever encountered –
      Who controlled my WHOLE life –
      And now I’m left alone in a very bad situation , work, money , living , no friends, destroyed.
      He is just fine. Happy as can be, like I never existed, walked out as I fell to the floor crying begging him not to leave , saying I’m sorry ( I didn’t even know what I was saying sorry for) came back looked at me in the floor in a ball crying and says to me – I disgust him. I think I stayed there for a few hours only to move to my bed and this where I’ve been for the last 3 days, not being able to sleep, not knowing what to do or think. He is text book NP I learned after days of reading – one thing I think after these days of reading – (and I don’t know if this makes sense, because the patern seems to be the same for these NP people, is that there possibly also be a scale for the level of these people because of the things they do and level of things they have done – if there was and it was a 1-10 he would be a 100. Maybe I’m crazy for thinking that or I don’t know what iam thinking. This person should be in jail – but iam too afraid and this he knows. I’m broke now financially, sick, and alone – he made sure I have no friends, he knew I had no family when he met me.
      After 8 years, he took everything from me, even my career, he made sure he got every last cent from me before he made his move to discard me, and when he knew the money was coming the abuse crazy making gaslighting got so bad I could no longer hold my tears and that made him angry and now I have lost everything. Including myself.
      I’m scared and afraid and just don’t know what to do or make decisions – I know this just happened. But what I have gone through the last years this is the last one – I have nothing or no one left – so iam no use for him at all and iam blamed by him for what he has done and why he did the things he did and just did to me financially and casting me aside in a cruel way that no one should ever have to experience

      • I also never post but your story just affected me soo much – i’ve been there. A seven year relationship with “the love of my life and marriage shattered overnight after months (more?) of lies revealed… But have hope – i’ve had 2 months of no contact and the more i read about NPD the more strength i have to stay away. And despite the first few days of being in a complete state of shock (disoriented to the point of not comprehending most basic things), the crying subsides and it’s like a new beginning, light dawns. I promise.
        There were two websites that immensely helped me during the last few weeks:
        This one is written by a psychologist who himself has NPD – hard to navigate but with patience there is significant information. Most importanlty about the 3 stages of a relationship with a Narc: Idalization, devaluation and discarding. All are inevitable. Some like me, just happen to be fortunate to escape when the devaluation only just began (literally days).

        http://samvak.tripod.com/msla6.html

        And this one where you can read hundreds of personal stories by others recovering from relationships with Narcs, and join the community:

        http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/share-your-story

        I wish you all the truly very best in your recover – it is very very very possible : )

      • I am sitting here crying..while reading your story. I happened to hear a relationship expert on the radio advise this women that her husband is a narcissist and she should seek help asap. I decided to do some research, because my relationship of 4+ yrs ended 8 mos ago..and im stillll in this dark place, still asking myself..how? Why? Who does this? How can someone be so cruel? Etc etc i’ve always been pretty strong emotionally, but I can’t seem to wrap my head around everything I went through with my X, and my heart ISN’T healing. Over the past 8 mos he has come back sporadically “acting ” as if he loves me and wants to make it work, yet a couple days into me giving him his thousandth chance its as if I dont exist again. The extreme selfishness is sooo insane to me because im the total opposite, reading all of these stories and comments and researching this has atleast answered my why? Question. I too have been left, cheated on, manipulated, moneyless, no job, my life turned upside down emotionally, financially and spiritually! I was a very independant, hard working, focused, strong, loving woman before I met him. I feel lost, weak and in pieces, its quite embarassing to know I kind of allowed this man to bring me to such a low place! I am thinking I should seek out help in getting through this also. I have been in such shock and pain…I couldnt or didnt imagine sooo many people dealing with these type of people. Thank you for sharing! I pray for you all!

      • Everything you have said struck a nerve in me. I remember saying sorry over and over and just like you, not even remembering what I was apologizing for. He was successful, gorgeous, yet completely manipulative. He controlled me and I became like a mini-version of him. I was like a ‘project’, someone he could mold into the trophy wife he wanted me to be.” Eat this, work out more (7x a week), carry yourself better, let me look at your finances, don’t be a teacher, your smarter than that, you look beautiful! Pretty soon you’re going to get ‘runner legs’ Good job!”….these are just some examples of what I heard daily, it was unreal.

        You mentioned him looking at you in disgust as you were crying on the floor. That level of coldness you described reminded me of packing up my things and sobbing as I was leaving him. I looked over, only to see he was perfectly calm and postured, eating dinner, slowly cutting his steak. Zero reaction. The last thing I heard him tell me was that he was “proud of me for making a decision”.

        Thank you for sharing your story. Please realize that knowing that other people have gone through this helps me take the blame off myself. My breakup was 1 yr ago, and he still crosses my mind every day. Reading that the author of this article cried for 3 years, again, helps me feel that I’m not this “weak person” who just can’t get over it. We had no control of what happened to us. It was part of a plan.

        I am seeing a therapist who told me to think of addiction. I mentioned, “Well, what if these thoughts mean we are, in the end, ‘meant to be’,…this had to be true love because I have ever been affected by a relationship like this before”. She said whenever the thought of him arises, and I want to contact him to innocently “say hi”, realize, like any addiction, sometimes the voice of something bad for you can be so loud, it clouds logical judgment. Me wanting to say hi is like an alcoholic saying “well, I can have one drink and I’ll be alright.” Think of him in terms of addiction.

        I’m continuing to work on this, and hope that you can find peace soon. I hope that for anyone who has experienced this kind of trauma. Many of us are still wounded, and have come out of this relationship as if they have come out of a fog and are wondering , “What just happened? What if I did this, changed that, I could have tried even harder. I’ll never find someone like him again”. I struggle with these thoughts every day. Please know that you are not alone. You did nothing wrong and can reclaim you life. Day by day.

  2. After living with a guy for nearly a year and thought I was going crazy. We were basically roommates and it was strange just because he would keep on insisting that he wasn’t interested in a relationship and he wasn’t the type that would engage in sexual activity with anyone that wasn’t his girlfriend. I am a pretty straightforward person so although I was mildly attracted to him, I didn’t pursue anything with him because I prefer to be in or on the verge of a committed relationship prior to having sex with a man as well. So I figured we would remain friends. I’ve always mostly lived with men as roommates before this for almost 10 years so this wasn’t anything new to me.

    But then Valentine’s Day rolled around and he brought home flowers for me. I thought it was weird, and I honestly got a bit peeved just because it felt like he was trying to romance me when he had no intention of having a relationship with me. He then accused me of playing games with him for mildly berating him for doing something nice for me. He then progressed to call me nicknames and kissing me on occasion so the lines between friendship and relationship were slightly blurred although we never became physical with each other.

    We shared a lot of mutual friends at the time, but they were much closer to him than me, and he managed to slowly isolate me from them. I think they would text him to do something and invite me along, but would not let me know and go without telling me.

    I would try to confront him about some of his strange behaviors, but he would just get angry. I look back and realize that he had intentionally isolated me from everyone close to him and it was weird because our mutual friends stopped responding to my texts as well. He had then told me that he didn’t invite me to come along with him anymore because I was embarrassing and unpleasant to be around. I started to believe him just because everyone stopped responding to me as well. I thought that maybe I was inadvertently doing something wrong and that I was fundamentally flawed in ways that repelled people. He would confirm this. Bit by bit, he broke my self-esteem down this way and these mutual friends just stood around and watched. He convinced me that I was a “fake” person that mislead people, that my accomplishments in life weren’t real, that my aspirations were unattainable and everyone thinks so as well, and the list goes on…. This drove me into a deep depression and he blamed the fact that I had become isolated because of this and that I was simply “not mentally strong enough” to endure what he was putting me through.

    I tried to seek out other relationships, but I was living in a strange city that I didn’t feel like I fit in. I was trying really desperately to rebuild a social life to no avail. I ended up leaving completely just because my living situation became intolerable and I couldn’t find any social alternatives. But I left quite damaged. My self esteem was an all-time low, i forgot who I was, and worse yet, I was completely obsessed with this guy with whom I had no sexual relationship. I was literally devastated when I saw pictures of him with another girl on Facebook, smiling and hanging out with the very friends that ostracized me. And logically, I couldn’t seem to understand why all this mattered to me so much when we weren’t even in a committed relationship.

    Then I realized just this week that he must have been a raging narcissist. I always characterized him as a wolf in sheep’s clothing – he appears harmless, is very kind and generous, and a really great listener. He used to help me with my bags, carry my groceries into the house when he was around, and all the other manly things. But I was unluckily one of his few victims that had the chance to live with him and truly get to know him. For whatever odd reason, he loved to break me down and no matter how much I tried to fight back, he always sought to win and then run off with his friends to have a grand ol’ time while I sat at home alone. Because he was so outwardly kind, I made excuses. I started believing that I could actually be the source of the problem just because I was the one without friends. I’m really angry at myself for not getting out of this situation sooner, but I am glad that this relationship was never a romantic one just because it would’ve been much harder for me to remove myself from. But I do think that he is a covert narcissist that was having his ego hurt just by the fact that I didn’t outwardly shower him with the attention he was so desperately seeking from a woman. I wasn’t going to do that if he wasn’t going to show me any signs indicating he wanted any type of a loving relationship with me. He’d even tell me that I wasn’t his type and that I didn’t motivate him enough to feel like he could love him at certain points.

    Bizarre.

    • Wow, Mira, I wanted to tell you that your post helped me a lot. My ex-boyfriend did exactly this to me, and for a while I was going insane trying to work out what I did to deserve it. Then it occurred to me that I didn’t do anything to deserve it. It’s just part of his vindictive pathetic, infantile game.

      He would deliberately not tell me I was invited to things – like, again and again and again. His favourite phrase was “Sorry I didn’t invi-i-i-te you-u-u”, with a ridiculous fake-ly sorry facial expression. He tried to charm my friends out of liking me, acting completely differently around them when I wasn’t there and then clamming up when I came back in (like, “oh no, look out everyone, she’s back!”).

      He seemed to think that getting invited to more things than me would mean that he’d “won” somehow. He didn’t seem to realise that a lot of people were beginning to ask “where’s Mal?” and that this was reflecting badly on him.

      Psychopaths always pick out your best trait to destroy. This means that you, Mira, are naturally sociable and likable, and you make HIM feel embarrassing and unpleasant, and show up the fact that HE is a fake person. Have confidence in yourself because you really are articulate and intelligent. You deserve much better friends than this idiot.

      They are addicted to the bait-and-switch. They will try to lead you on, try to make you become romantically interested, just for the pleasure of disappointing you. Well done for not falling for it – but that’s probably the reason he decided to destroy your social life, just to spite you for not chasing after him. They really are a pathetic bunch of losers, the lot of them.

  3. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years on Friday. I’m sure he had other gf’s as well. He lied so many times, he cheated so many times. And I kept forgiving him. He would curse me out and yell at me I was scared to do anything. It was like I was walking on eggshells not to make him mad. I was always being accused of cheating on him and I never did. While all the time I was never good enough for him. It’s like a cycle he was never happy with him self so he would take it out on me. I loved him with all my heart. I’ve been in bed for days. My heart hurts so much. The depression I have is like I’m dying. I can’t eat. I take meds to sleep. Life is so hard for me right now. I always thought what could have I done. I did everything for him. And now he won’t even acknowledge my existence. I walked away Friday when I found him cheating for the 4th time. And sending her the same messages. I just want to sleep and this nightmare to be over

    • Marty, I know exactly what you are going through. It was only 3 weeks ago since I checked my ex’s phone nad found out that he had been involved with 11 other woman. It was like waking up in somebody elses bad dream – and by the look of your narrative I feel you are in the worst place now, so I wanted to share my experience with you. What you wrote sounds exactly what I have been feeling 2 weeks ago, 1 week ago as welll.

      I left him – but i feel as if it was him, who left me, lying on the floor and vomiting out of shock and disgust.
      But it’s been 3 weeks now and let me tell you something – the first week was the WORST. It was a nightmare, but you will get through it. And then the next week will be bad – but not as bad as the previous one. And the third week is also sad – but the shock and vomiting and all the worst parts are gone. Now its just apathy and anger – but it feels as recovery, finally. There are moments when I feel happy, really happy. Because I felt this weird reilief the moment he left my apartment – no more fighting for his love, proving that I am worth it, no more TRYING. I am free! I can finally have a relationship I thought I will never had. (did you have that? That you got suddenly sad when other couples would get all loved-up in your presence? And you’d get so depressed inside cause you’d thought “Why can’t he treat me like this…Will I ever experience this?”)
      So, since you left, the very best thing is – YOU WILL EXPERIENCE THIS. FINALLY YOU WILL BE HAPPY IN LOVE. I truly believe that. Maybe not today, but in the future. All the best is yet to come, all the worst has passed.

      And I wish you all the best and I will think of you whenever I will feel down or depressed and the fact that I am not alone in this fight will make me feel stronger – we will get through this and we will be happy:)

      hugs

      • Thank you so much! Ur comments give me hope. I’m so sad and I loved him like I’ve never loved another. I am here too if you need to talk… My email is mlwtiger@yahoo.com. I’m finally starting to eat.

        Sent from my iPhone

        >

      • This is like reading my own life, I’m actually not going crazy, thank you so much for your posts, it’s like we have all been with the same man, it’s insane. I’m just thankful I could be hurt, it means I’m not like him. All the best –
        Justine

      • OMG, how much your post just got to me….despite all teh research i’ve done, this is the first time i read someone having the same experience afterwards: RELIEF. it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders – one i couldn’t understand. My husband was never abusive or demeaning, in fact he was the perfect most thoughtful best friend (well, until i found out about the cheating adn he began to devalue me that very weekend, it was shortly over though in days when i walked out). So i could never understand why the relief… in fact i had often felt guilty for not being happier… convincing myself on numerous occasions even how great he is… internally and subconciously telling my sixth sense how a man this wonderful could never cheat… there were no red flags – just my sixth sense. But i had a constant fear factor of him leaving like he did temporarily once. I constantly did everything to make him happy, not bored…. not leave again… And the depression of seeing love in movies? OMG…i’d be hysterically crying. And then feeling guilty and not understanding why i felt that way. I was emotionaly completely disconnected. He did EVERYTHING for me, but didn’t love me. They are incapable of loving anyone but themselves. I know that now. And although there are still moments when i break down crying over the loss of the life i had with him, i am in a state of joy like i haven’t been in 7 years. I’m not kidding. It is remarkable. And it is a joy my mom often remarked i had lost and i blamed on carreer issues, etc…anythign but the ‘love of my life’ who was subconcsiouly causing it.
        Thank you so much for all your words of encouragement and sharing : )

    • HELLO Marty..If you are interested, listen toterri savelle foy in youtube…she has videos on breaking soul ties and relationships…also check out Melanie tonia Evans in youtube and also her website which U can find If you type her name into google..Melanie talks about narcissistic abuse…terri’s website is terri.com.
      Hugs to you sweetheart for breaking up with him. You deserve better.

    • Marty – girl, my heart aches for you right now, but know that there are others out there that are going through exactly what you’re going through – myself included. I just got away from a narcissist a month ago after a 1 1/2 years and the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on since then has been nothing short of devastating! I’ve gone from feeling so sad that all I wanted to do is sleep so the pain would go away to being ragingly pissed off, wanting to beat the crap out of him for all the lying. Just know one thing, just like the author said, there is nothing YOU did wrong. You were not a weak, insecure, naïve individual who easily fell for this wolf-in-sheeps-clothing…Narcissists are master manipulators, adept story tellers, preying on strong, self-confident, intelligent women (and men). They spin stories that can amaze with such detail…who could know at first blush they are lies. And oh god all the showering of “love”….15 texts a day saying how beautiful you are, you’re a gift from god, you’re my precious angel…all that stuff that I know was all BS…but at the time I thought I had met someone who truly loved me…that I had found my soulmate. I felt so “loved”…I felt fortunate that I had found something so special. Listen, I consider myself a confident, strong, intelligent, witty person…I FELL FOR IT HOOK LINE AND SINKER. But the good news is that YOU DID FIND OUT!!!! You were strong and smart enough to walk away. Please do not have any communication with him. Think of every narcissist-free day as a GOOD day. Keep imagining what you’re life would have eventually turned out to be if you’d stay with him. I found out my hair dresser has been married to one for 17 years and has 2 kids by him…has brought her to her knees. She has finally just recently kicked him out, but he calls her 5 times a day….and every single time he does she wants to pick up the phone, but she doesn’t. She struggles every day to stay away. Leaving a Narcissists is like giving up cocaine…you know its bad for you but hard to stay away from. Just keep going girl…protect yourself…block every form of communication….EVERYTHING, calls, texts, emails. Remember that Narcissist feed off attention, so any form of attention you give him will “feed” him…even if you tell him “go to hell” you are still feeding him …doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad attention. if you ever get weak, email me dina143@comcast.net
      (btw, kudos to the author of this article..brought tears to my eyes when I read it. If anything, this is one positive thing the internet has provided…information and support!)

  4. Thank you dear kindred spirit for writing this post! It gives me not just hope but strength and encouragement along the journey to creating an amazing new life! Thank you

  5. I feel like I’m dying inside…. I’ve been thru this cycle for 3 years. I’ve been lied to so many times it’s unbelievable I’ve been cheated on so many times I can’t count. However, I truly loved him and I’m now at the end of this relationship and I’m heartbroken and crying bc I loved him so so much. I feel like I’m dying inside.

  6. I was pursued for over a year by someone I now believe to be a narcissist. I was never completely sure about him, but he finally convinced me that he loved me and there was no-one else. After a couple of months of being together he went cold on me and when I reacted badly to this he disappeared for the weekend and wouldn’t respond to me. He text me to say lets cool it and then the next day wanted me to be his friend. I tried for a while, but I couldn’t handle it and he kept saying whatever I needed. Then because I wasn’t responding to him he flipped a switch and decided to tell everyone about the girls he was now hooking up with. I had him about it and he said he had done it to annoy men, but in not such a nice way. ANNOY ME!! What he did was devastating as I did genuinely love him and this was a few weeks after we split. He had spent over a year convincing me he cared for me and then when he got me he moved on. I look back now and think the whole argument we had was manipulated by him so he could move on to his latest conquest. I find it hard to accept that another human being can do this to someone they claim to care about, but the more I read these articles the more I realise that it’s normal for a narcissist. We work together which means I have made the decision to leave as I can’t cope with his mood swings. Now he knows I’m going he’s trying to communicate with me again as though we can ever go back to being friends. He was never and will never be a friend! Just wish my feelings weren’t so all over the place still. Thanks for writing this!

  7. I just ended my relationship with my narcissistic boyfriend yesterday via text. We started dating in January. At first I did not want any relations with him but he kept being persistent and telling me stories about his horrible childhood (his father wanted him aborted, he will be happy when he is dead and so on). I felt sorry for him and decided to talk with him after class (I think this was my biggest mistake in my life). I fell for all his sob stories and so I wanted to help him. We went out a few times this is where he told me I make him happy, he admires me, he loves me…you guess it he said it. I was happy I found my prince charming. Then one day he walked me to my apt and wanted to sleep with me. He said he did not want sex just to hold me and I told him no. Anyways the next day he came to my apartment and ask to come up again and I said no I don’t know you that well, he laughed and said he was testing me. After that incident he began giving me the silent treatment. I never understood what he was doing but I would always try to reach out to him. I thought that maybe he was scared of losing me so he is distancing himself from me. I apologized and we got back but it seems like every two weeks he would disappeared off the face of the earth. At one point I gave up and he came back again.He sent me a text and told me that he is avoiding me because he likes me WHAT…Anyways it got to the point where I felt like he basically abandoned me, I told him and he said how I was being silly and to stop thinking silly things. He said he will see when he has free time (this was after one month of no communication what so ever). Everyday after work he goes out with his friends, everyday and now he does have 1 second for me. I text him and told him he treated me worse than a dead animal I did not get any response. Two weeks later I told him to tell me if you do not want me anymore, I am tired of this silent treatment, I got nothing from him. Yesterday I finally told him I tried but maybe I did not try hard enough, he wins I lose I can’t do it anymore I need to protect myself. I told him for three months I cried myself to sleep, I don’t care if him and his friends read my message and laugh over it. I told him that only God knows how much he has hurt me. I also told him to never tell anyone that he liked me because it was never true. I told him “you do not avoid someone you like you avoid them because you do not like them” (of course I haven’t got a response from him. This has been so difficult for me but I hope one day I can get back to me. He broke me down physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally now I have to put the pieces back together all by myself. All I want is for him to say “it’s over” and I will be able to pick the pieces up but this not knowing is what’s killing me.

  8. People who are crying and dying: you are letting him win! I just ended a relationship with someone who I think has a severe case of NPD. The reason you are suffering so much is that your ego is badly damaged by the fact that someone you gave so much of your precious love, time, finances, etc. to could drop you like you never existed and move on with their life like nothing even happened, even though at one point they placed you on the highest pedestal possible. You and I are addicts. We got so high on the “reel-in” phase of the relationship, and then when the real, soulless person emerged we were devastated. It’s hard to face that this guy never loved you. But he didn’t because of you; he didn’t because love is not something he is capable of feeling. Go complete “no contact,” (if possible) just like an alcoholic must not have a single drink to recover. You ARE lovable. You ARE valuable. Get to a 12-step program, especially Co-Dependents Anonymous if in your area. I just went to my first meeting this week. If you let this behavior go on for any length of time, then you may have such tendencies. Let this experience be a learning experience about who you are, who he is / what kinds of people are out there / and how you were raised, and the dysfunctional issues that might have been there. My experience with him was awful, but it opened wide the dysfunctional nature of my whole life, and I think maybe it was something I had to go through to finally have it all make sense. It’s hard at 52 to try and do things differently, but I am now determined to take care of myself, think about my needs and wants, and have strong boundaries about what I will and won’t take from a man, and I just bet that’s finally going to attract the kind of good man I’ve never seemed to find.

  9. You’re response has helped me so much….. I cry everyday and I miss him but I have had no contact. It hurts bc I gave so much of my love to him and he just cheated and lied and never treated me like a human being. Thank you for writing this. It’s hard everyday.

  10. Susan P. Hansen

    i WAS MARRIED TO a Narcisstic man for 23 years. He was emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically abusive. How could someone ever stay with a man like that? I adored him, I put him on that pedastal he demanded, I let him control my jobs, who I associated with or not, my finances, everything about my life ran through him. I might add I was once a strong intelligent happy successful business woman. He stole my life. Life experiences I can never recover that I could have had with my children, my grandchildren, my friends. I had marvelous jobs and he would insist I change jobs for what seemed logical reasons at the time. This man has destroyed all semblance of who I ever was. I had finally given up on life itself. I saw no way out. Friends saw this and pulled me out. Literally. This experience need not happen to another woman ever again. I plead with you to get help. Though my spouse was arrested several times, and was sentenced to jail time, he never served it. Just another treatment program that did not work. They cant work. There is no conscience or semblance of conscience in these individuals. They see us as a tool, a means to their ends, a show piece, or a financial arm, or something that will make them look good to the real world. Note I said something, not someone. They discard us like a piece of garbage. This man killed my animals, did horrible things and I had lost all semblance of myself .I did not see how to get away. I plead with anyone reading this to run. leave your things, your money, your home, everything. But run. Dont waste another minute of your life. It is short enough as it is. You may lose everything but you will regain your life. I can never make up for the lost years but I can do things now with my family. Had I not left I would have committed suicide or he would have killed me. Nothing matters but that you run and totally remove yourself from any contact whatsoever. He had our phones connected to his computer so every call that came in he saw. He had my computer tapped with spyware of the most sophisticated kind. They have ways of tracking you but at the same time hate and want to destroy you. it doesnt make sense at all and dont even try to have it make sense. Just run. I have alot of work to do, alot of healing. But I have faith it will come.

  11. I recently divorced a narcissist after 18 years together. He moved out a year ago and because we have a child together, the hits keep coming. Thank you for writing. I keep telling myself it’s been a year, but in many regards I still feel shell shocked by the abrupt end of our relationship.

  12. Keep your focus on god! Pray without ceasing! Been there and done that! It takes time to heal. Remember you don’t come out of that situation the same as u went in. Most definitely do not and I say not have any contact with the narc as they are pure evil and twist what you say! I stayed for 17 yrs of hell. Thank god for divorce! Remember you will be ok god is on your side!

  13. It began with a friendship of one year. He was patient, kind, respectful and just seemed like a nice guy. Once we were together I started seeing signs of jealousy, at times being disrespectful. He still maintained his “you’re amazing and I love you mode” but when he would get upset he would say some mean and disrespectful things. Throughout the years he was involved with other women. He sought attention through social networks and his physical appearance. His sarcasm was always true and it was just a roller coaster. My stress and anxiety started going over the roof and then he would be okay like nothing, only for him to be angry the next day. He appeared to be a completely different person to others and on his social networks while he was emotionally and verbally abusing me. I see now he never cared about anyone except him. Unless a person was of use to him, he would keep them around. Once the mask fell off and I discovered the real him, he started being more disrespectful and putting me down. It was an unstable roller coaster for 4 years. A lot more happened, but i’m just glad to be out now. He still contacts me and gives me these love promises to which i do not believe one bit.

  14. I have read and read and read about this, this whatever it is!! In order to try to understand so I can take the pain away. I have blamed him, I have blamed me and I have cried and cried and cried. Your article is the only one I have read that has validated my ‘relentless’ search to try and understand why. I sometimes get glimpses of all that is possible for me now, a heart that I had forgotten about is beating there somewhere under the carnage that is my grief. I loved him so much but he threw it away, because I did and he was absolutely selfish. Thank you.

  15. Thank you so much for ur words… I read them over and over to help me and console me. Everything you said is perfectly right… It’s like we experienced the same thing and while I genuinely depressed and sad. And I’m sad that another person has gone thru this. I’m thankful for your post. Helps me push on. Thank you!! Thank you!

  16. Thank you..i have a narcissistic mum wh i live with…i need to Move out soon..i also had a narcissist friend 2 years ago…i Met her at my work place..she was my co-worker..shestarted ignoring me after 4 months of friendship. Looking back, i think she was jealous of my innocence, smartness, confidence and popularity..Lol i feel like i am talking myself up..after she started ignoring me, i chased her to save the friendship , she did Not respond…i got extremely hurt..a few months Later, When she was about to come back into my life, god revealed that If she comes back , there will Be a lot of strife in my life..godmade me resign my part Time Job in order to avoid thé strife she willse..that is how serious narcissists are..i understood ths year that my mum and this ex-friend are narcissists..i Thank gd for my Obedience at giving up my Job..what If i had arrogantly thought i could avoid strife with her and ignored god’s wisdom ? I shudder to think what would have happened.

    Trust ur gut instincts. God had tried to stop me from being friends with this girl from the beginning..i did not understand god’s warnings..god revealed to me this year , the losses i had in my other friendships due to her company and also the stupid decisions i made thanks to her stupid advice and stupid arrogant wisdom..
    Read Psalm 1.
    In youtube, Listen to ‘paula White – how to recognize divine connections’. & joel osteen – divine connections.
    In Google, search – Trust god’s barometer.
    Choose ur friends wisely.
    May god heal us All.

  17. Men and women fall in love with “the Narcissist.” And then they marry. Then, they get divorced. My question is: where can the non-narcissist folks find each other, have fun, respect each other, get married and have a life of quality? I just can’t find quality men. I would love to meet that gentleman who was married twice to disordered women, worked hard in IT and did everything in his power to preserve the marriages. I would not care if he was overweight or bald. The fact remaines that he was a honest and genuine person! I think someone should start up a support group and/or our own e-Harmony for people like us! Of note, I am not a lumpy dumpy person that is filled with pain and hurt…but am an educated, attractive, sweet and kind woman!

    • I so want to start this kind of dating pool for us Katie – based on those of us in the group who are single and want to meet “normal” or Non disordered people.

      So many of us are just as you describe! Attractive, kind hearted, don’t like conflict, educated, sweet and smart. Its unfortunate that a narcissist saw those qualities as attractive and then abused us anyway.

      We’ll come up with solutions for us!!!
      <3

      • That would be nice. I recently decided I really do want to have a nice “gentleman friend” to hang out with. I signed on to a couple of dating sites. I have discovered that I can’t get past the looking stage because I find myself scrutinizing their profiles & pictures (as though I can tell by looking at him!) to see if I can figure out if they are a narc or not. As I was reading the first post here (the man married 2x) I wondered how weird it would be to write in my profile, “former narc victim seeks same”. I can kind of laugh at that but I am serious. I am interested to know what others think here. Thanks.

  18. Thank you!
    I am in the denial stage since he”narc”tells me I am sick and to blame.
    I don’t know how I will make it..but I am ready to try!God help me,my abuser is a ordained minister who others admire.
    God sees all,the name calling,cunt,whore ,of course I deserve it cause I start it all.

  19. I’m writing this and suffering from a huge amount of stress weighing on me I should be happy he’s gone happy that he left me for someone else but I just feel so worthless discarded and inadequate….I have known a guy who Is a Socopath with narcissistic tendencies for 4 years I’m 27 and he is 30 we have a 3 year old together when we met it started off casual it was more sexual then anything else during that period he was pursuing many other girls when he found out I was pregnant he said he would be there for the child while he still carried on having sex with me with out any commitment but after 2 years had passed suddenly he went from liking me to been over the top in love with me it was insane overwhelming and flattering but also creepy when he kept stalking my place and looking in my bedroom window at odd hours of the night when I wouldint answer his calls phoning me 30 times and telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me I fell hard for him I really did he convinced my dad I Was the love of his life someone who he wanted to marry he put me on a pedestal but his constant stalking and excessive calling would creep me out he even started phoning my dad and harassing my facebook google plus it was insane he wanted to marry move in the works his daughter and I were the lights of his lives as he called us and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with us..the sex was amazing he could go hours at a time sometimes the whole night it was passionate and intense I was head over heels in love he wanted my undivided attention we did everything together sadly the fairy tale was all too good to be True little by little week by week he started devaluing me he started pushing for sexual acts for money saying I needed to make more income for our child ofcourse he was happy to participate he did it in such a way while still saying how much he loved me day by day he began pushing my boundaries he would start bringing up group sex and swinging I just thought he was kinky and had a high sex drive but what I have now realized is he was using me as means to exploit me for his own sick twisted sexual gratification he also stole from my dad who is disabled without feeling nothing he would go into my phone while I was sleeping and start accusing me of flirting with other men he kept asking for sexually graphic images of me he kept pushing me further and further whilst still portraying his charm he was a compulsive liar he lied about everything even the most inconsequential of things. I found a an empty piece of a condom wrapper beside his bedside table when I was sleeping at his house once he began saying it was a piece of a sweet wrapper a sweet wrapper!!!!! I kid you not when I proceeded to question him he asked me to just leave and go home he was nasty and spiteful about it to.still I refused to believe it still I refused to see he how was devaluing me more and more he would but then come back all sweet with loving words and I was hooked again eventually I had enough and wanted out of it despite how much I loved him something just didint feel right he wasn’t the same he would immediately go into a frenzy as soon as I tried to leave him would phone me begging for me to not leave him that he would change that he would try better and that he loved me and needed me he would stalk my house break into it and cry by my gate he was good at pretending to cry so stupid me took him back every time he would devalue me again soon afterwards and then when I would try leave he would put on the please don’t leave me you get the drift.after two years of our messed up relationship progressed the devaluing became more obvious and worse and then he did the worst thing and raped me against my will in my bedroom I wanted out I wanted to leave him but just thought he would go back to the way he was and all would be good again that I would put all his bad behavior behind me he started becoming physical and began pushing me into walls when I would try break up with him he kissed me passionately telling me he loved me and needed me and then when we made love and he was soon back to his devaluing nonsense again he became short fused with me early this year snapping at me for everything that I was lazy useless etc nothing I did was right in his eyes he began fighting with me infront of our child bringing me to t ears he just told me to stop being miserable and get a life whist I sat on the floor in tears it wasint long after that he broke up with me without warning or care he said he met someone at the new job he started he said it was for the best and that we were too destructive together and were best suited as friends and parents to our child I ofcourse begged and pleaded for him to take me back despite how much pain he caused me but he refused without no feeling I was so hooked on him so addicted I just wanted him to love me like in the beginning..when he found out I went to a party now this was after he broke up with me he found out I went to a party and demanded to know where I am who I’m with I told him to leave me alone and that he has someone now and we not together he said he does love me and won’t stop trying to protect me well after that night I asked if we could fix us he refused and gave me two anxiety attacks one after the other well after a month his OW obviously wasn’t fulfilling his desires and back on my case it was for 6 months straight phoning me coming over trying to have sex with me. By then I was starting to reach the end of my rope and began ignoring him I needed a break still he wouldint back down then he went to scotland for 2 weeks came back and dropped me on the spot saying how he met an artchitec and gave me the same pitch like before we destructive we can’t be together without feeling anything nothing at all its like I was nothing to him when before he left to scotland he said he loved me it was like his old self again he still slept with me and then comes back and decides its over and he has someone its been a month now and he is treating me worse then ever I have asked many times to set up visitation where he can see his daughter and not me and that I needed time to heal still he refuses while telling me what a great time he had at a swingers club the other night with his bi friend he hasint tried to have sex with me or anything so I presume he’s getting it from his OW when he broke up with me the second time which is recently he said I must be faithful to him and that he will do the same wtf??????he keeps saying he’s not sleeping with his OW and that he hasint had sex since us which I know is a lie he doesint stop he called me a bitch and a whore the other day all because I told him I was out with our daughter as soon as the weekend comes he harrases me and uses our daughter as an excuse to come over and when I say I am going out with her he demands to know where he also breaks into my place while I’m asleep he refuses to get back together and refuses to stop his emotinal abuse his mind games and verbal abuse I have asked him countless times I don’t want to see him I need to heal and that he must just see his daughter he refuses and gets really verbally abusive and says its in our daughters best interst I be present and go out with him and her when he’s around seeing her he stares at me the entire visit his eyes following my every movement apart of me still clings to him though still loves him but the other part of me wants him out my life to heal and he refuses I am suffering from acute depression after our fight he is ignoring me now and his messages are cold and brief I have been delaying him seeing our daughter as I just need to heal from him for a few days seeing him is killing me because I still love him and yet he feels nothing he just treats me like I never ment anything to him I feel like taking my life but I know I have to be strong still I can’t take him anymore apart of me wants to let go the other part is still holding on he stresses me out and walks out with a big evil grin on his face everyone said once he’s done with his OW he will be back but I’m scared if he does come back I might take him back so I can feel loved by him again there are so many decent guys out there and still I cling to this creep I just wish I knew how to get on with my life without thinking of him the thought of him being with her is destroying me I know I need counselling I’m a living wreck:(

  20. Thank you so much! I have read your comments over and over! It truly helps to read that I’m not alone… Although at times I feel like the only one going thru this pain and no one ( friends or family understands). It’s so hard bc I know he is still with the girl he cheated on me with. I know he’s not thinking of me or it crossed his mine the pain I’m going thru. I don’t sleep… I don’t eat. I truly read the comments and it helps! Thank you! And if you need anything to vent or feel weak the same my email is mlwtiger@yahoo.com! :)

  21. I really enjoy your article. The emphasis on the strength we have for enduring is indescribable, and terrific. I love too, the references to the amazing things that await. I have adopted the image of a diamond from coal. My story too, is virtually an indescribable one, where psychopathy in my family of origin joined with my ex-wife, through separation, divorce and custody things. And yes, Katie and Ana, there are some great men out here. Thanks.

  22. It takes all kinds. My narc ex and I started a relationship right out of High School. We were together 5 years and were married for 15 years after that. When I look back on it, there were indicators that something wasn’t right. I was naive so I didn’t know what his problem was. I just knew there was something not quite right. His mother had mental health issues to where she was treated in a state hospital (in the 60s). He could be fun and made me laugh but he also could get moody. I just figured he needed some TLC and he’d be alright. Silly me.

    As the years went by and we had children, he started being more and more verbally and emotionally abusive. One night it turned to physical violence so the kids and I went to a shelter. After a month we came home to try again and I tried everything I could think of for the next 2 years to make it better. Nothing worked because, according to him, there was nothing wrong with him, it was me. So one day after 2 years of this I had enough and got a lawyer.

    After he had to leave the house all hell broke loose. He used to threaten me with taking the kids and burning the house down but he didn’t do that. He just quit his job, told everyone who knew us all kinds of lies about me (including his family and my father), and did everything he could to avoid paying child support. The kids were 13, 9 & 7. That was 22 years ago. he still owes thousands in interest on the arrears! We learned over the years that one of his tricks was to tell women that I refused to let him see the kids and he would cry telling them this. He was so manipulative!

    I should also add that at some point in the marriage he started drinking, doing coke and screwing around with other women. He had a co-worker he used to “complain” about — you know, just a little too much– who was such a ladies man and doing coke but he also would go out at night with the guy and shower after he got home. I was pretty sure I knew what was going on. But I was stuck and it was so easy for me to deny things and he always had such “good” excuses.

    Recently an unrelated event occured so that I decided to reach out to him with his adult children to see if we could have peace. It really had been like it was a 22 year war. He finally told me why I was the “bad guy”. Apparently, when he was served with the subpoena for the separation court date, I “grinned” and I “laughed”. That was why he abandoned the kids and why he didn’t pay support! I can tell you I know I did not but that is his excuse.

    Long story short, I have just realized this past week that he is a narcissist. It explains so many things I can remember about him — even from the beginning when I was young and so naive. I don’t think he ever loved me. I think he was infatuated with me. I made friends easily and he admired that about me. But he also worked at taking that away from me over the years. I lost myself so much over the 20 years we were together. At the end it felt like I was on the edge of madness and I had to get out of the marriage or I would disappear for good.

    Even now he cannot tell me one good thing about our marriage or our family. So I have been thinking about how everything I thought was a lie. My handsome smart husband that I loved so very much was nothing more than a narcissist. I have work to do in processing it but I wanted to share so you all can know that here is yet another one and that it can stretch over 42 years!

  23. Lessie Eckenrode

    It has been year and a half of total and complete destruction I have allowed to happen to my life. Iloved ununconditionally. I am a smart, confident and driven 52 year old woman, how dod this happen to me?

    • I’m going to post your question and answer on our FB Page, (anonymously) if you’d like to read there – I hope to answer this for you (and SO MANY OTHERS who feel the same way)

      Stay Strong Lessie, this is a lesson we all have suffered through with you.

      XO

      • Whenever I read these messages, it breaks my heart. First, I recall how deeply devastating it feels in the beginning and how long it seems to keep going on, well past other experiences that we’ve survived in the past. The pain and devastation seems to take on a life of its own, with no end in sight, and really begins to feel like either WE are damaged goods or the narcissist has left a black, evil cloud over our lives that will NEVER go away.

        It’s particularly shocking (and common) to have achieved a certain level of enlightenment, strength, esteem and “smarts” in our lives only to face a person or situation that we’ve never dealt with before.

        I think this is what happens when normal people realize they’ve collided with a true sociopath. The narcissist unmasked, is one of the most perplexing and harmful creatures to caring human beings.

        Our world view prior to meeting a narcissist, is likely one that gives benefit of the doubt to everyone, is naive in the belief that other human beings are not predators upon us, and that most people are basically good.

        When we try to extend our own benevolent world views to someone that does not in anyway operate under the same humane beliefs, there is going to be an extended period of grieving, understanding and acceptance for us to grapple with until we have rolled into our worldview that bad people like the narcissist exist.

        Our tendency is to blame ourselves until we can no longer deny that the narcissist is a sociopathic creature unlike ourselves.

        By the very nature of proclaiming that we are “smart” “strong” “should have known better”, we are saying that somehow, we believe that not being prepared for a predator is “our fault”.

        Intelligence DOES NOT prepare us to deal with a narcissist or ward them off.

        Confidence is only a sure sign that the narcissist will find us attractive and want to identity thieve that natural esteem away from us, to replace their own manufactured self-esteem.

        What we each must find is what VULNERABILITY did we have that the narcissist was able to locate and exploit. Because THAT is what let them in. Our strengths, if taken too far can be vulnerabilities, or blind sights that we didn’t know existed until someone like the predating narcissist is able to weasle their way into and harm us.

        In my own case, my two vulnerabilities were that I’d been raised by a narcissistic mother who taught me how to be the perfect target. I was a people pleaser, with weak boundaries, who knew how to put myself last. Secondly, I was moving through a stage in my life where I’d identified as a mother and had become a new empty nester. The flattery and obsession of the narcissist felt like a I was being swept off my feet by a promise that my new “single life” would be full of romantic illusions and undying love.

        It is important to analyze your own vulnerabilities to the charming, lying, manipulative narcissist. Figure out where they got their foothold in your life – be starkly honest, because it is this portal that you’re going to spend your time focusing on shoring up.

        Finally, try to let go of the “timetable” that you think is enough time to grieve this and be done with it. Since the time spent involves so much of our own fabric, boundaries, world views, vulnerabilities, etc. There’s really no cap of time put on healing and becoming a new, stronger version of yourself. The truth is, change of self, which we ALL UNDERGO, is a longer process than just a standard “break up”.

  24. Wow I am so emotionally spiritually drained. A Psyc. Major, an army Ranger has been a Narsisit for 4 years. I see black, and my spirit is broke. I feel like being dead would be so much easier than living for my kids. I did it, I filed for a wedding he set up, I am a small blonde raising three wonderful blessed kids. They are my heros. But I I filed for divorce never living together four years thankfully. No kids together. He makes 300,000 and I make 25000 and he used me for every dollar he could. I have blocked him on my phone and want the darkness to go away. Please I want it tomorrow not today. We are body builders and when hit me for jealousy it hurt so bad. I never told anyone. Soul Rape….. Please feel free to look me up ;) book Lisa sparky sparkman.

  25. I can’t seem to wrap my head around all of this. I found out today that my ex could be one who suffers from this disorder. I don’t know what to think right now, it makes sense but at the same time, it doesn’t.

    Any suggestions on how this will get easier to move forward? I already go to therapy… :(

  26. I recommend looking at videos on youtube about narcissistic abuse. Look into something called ‘neuropeptides’– chemicals associated with emotions produced in the brain. There are numerous videos out there so you can watch as much or as little as you need. That said, those who particularly have been helpful to me are: Spartanlifecoach (if you don’t mind language), Melanie Tonia Evans (has a great explanation of peptides and overcoming Narc abuse.), and Sam Vaknin (my jury’s out on this one but he has some interesting things to say). If none of these do it for you, there are many more. Good luck!

    • Also, this may seem totally crazy and off the wall, but I’ve been finding the video, “Call Me Maybe”, made by some special forces guys in Afghanistan (2 years ago, in response to a Miami Dolphins cheerleaders video that was sent to our troops) to be helpful. It’s fun to watch, makes me smile and, besides their general cuteness, (hotness? lol) these guys are something that “our” narcissists would NEVER be.

      I’m finding it helpful on so many levels but also to see what “real” men are like and that these guys are working hard and doing a tough job and they do it for each other. NOT something a narc would EVER do! For me, it reminds me how I wanted “my” narc (way back when) to join the Navy and he pretended he was going to and then he didn’t. There is one guy in the video that vaguely reminds me of my ex but I can also see how that guy stepped up to the plate when mine didn’t. It helps me, anyway.

      And let’s face it, we NEED something to make us smile and to know that there ARE men out there who are willing to make sacrifices and do the hard thing because it’s their duty & their job. You know?

  27. I just broke up with my narcissistic boyfriend, well in private I was his gf/future wife/ everything, in public I was just Lydia. I thought I was going crazy. I couldn’t sleep, I knew that something wasn’t right. He kept denying any cheating even after all the times I caught him. I just want to forget him.. I need to heal. I pray for peace, strength and to recover my dignity.. this is the worst relationship I have ever been in. I’m hurt, I took it personally. How do you maintain the no contact rule without going crazy? How do you sleep at night not wondering who he’s with.. I can only describe this as evil in the flesh.

  28. Lessie Eckenrode

    I broke away several weeks ago. I made tge mistake of this last weekend. A no contact is the ONLY WAY TO KEEP MY SOUL….yes, I absolutely understand now. Its me or him. He is mentally sick as well as being a full blown alcholoic. 8 to 5 at the Bank….and Drunk dating site surfing. It will never be any different…he is 55 and believes he has NO problems…. of course it is me and I am just drama. NO CONTACT, or my soul is sold out to pure cruelty. Prides himself on all the regular traits. I should have know befote wasting a year and a half of my efforts and heart. But I do believe…I will choose LIFE!!!!!

  29. Life after the narc

    Thanks Stan. All the best to you too

    Wendy

  30. If found out I was pregnant and decided to leave my sociopathic husband after a bad fight because I did not want to raise a baby in an abusive household. When I told him he punched me in the face. Then when I threatened to call the police he beat himself severely in the face took my cell phone so I couldn’t call them and said, “If you call the police they will see me and take you away.” He worked in a law office and has a very high IQ and knows the law. He knew that in the state of NC that they generally believe whoever calls the police for help first. I went over to the neighbors house for help and he spoke to the police and cried and said that I needed mental help and that I beat him. He is a former special forces marine and I’m a pregnant housewife and they took me to jail. I spent two days in jail (a place I’ve never been. Never even arrested) and I was incredibly sick. He did all of this and told me so that day because he wanted to take everything I own. I bought the house outright with my own money. It has no mortgage. He put a restraining order on me so I could not go back to my home. I bought everything in it. He’s since looted everything in it. He’s harassed me, had other women in my home and in my bed and lied to them telling him he’s an accountant, he went to the court house and had criminal charges that he just made up added (NC is one of five states where an individual can just go straight to a magistrate and take out a warrant with no proof that someone did something with absolutely no investigation for police, he took over my Facebook account, my email, everything and contacted all my friends and relatives telling them all kinds of crazy things about me. He tried to get me to believe when we were married that my Mother was stealing from the family trust and almost ruined our relationship. He used to take out guns and put them to his head for hours at a time and tell me he would kill me and himself and that if I called the police he would kill as many as he could and die suicide by cop. I believed him because he was a sniper. Sometimes I would call them anyway and he would beat himself and when they got there I was too afraid to tell them what happened knowing he would tell them I did it. Eventually that’s exactly what happened. My life is in shambles. He got one of my “friends” to give him her password to her Facebook account so he could copy down all my messages to her and talk to me as her. She doesn’t even know him. She’s obviously crazy and was never really my friend. But, that’s how manipulative and relentless he is. He made up lies about me like that I beat my own stomach that day and that I kept talking about how I just wanted to kill my own baby. My life is a nightmare and every time I try to move on something else happens. I start to feel better and then he does something else. I’m loosing everything. I’ve hired a lawyer but I don’t know… I’ve completely lost all faith in the police, the judicial system. Everyone. I am starting to really loose it. I have been beaten, tortured, betrayed, had everything stolen from me (he declared bankruptcy before we got married) so far I stand to loose about $300,000 dollars. and I have the judicial system telling me that I’m the one who was abusive. Because I got mad and yelled at him a few times. It’s getting more and more difficult to go on. I’m literally in a pit of despair and I see no end to this nightmare. I just can’t do this anymore.

  31. I need help please,I want to feel and love like I used to I dont like being afraid and negative,stress,,any advice so I can practice is highly appreciated

  32. scared to put my real name, :(

    I was raised by a narcissist and I have learned that I am codependant almost like I have a radar or they do to be attracted to this type. One friend/family member that I have is so much a narcissist that I too ended up on my knees with no longer a will to live. It has been a month since I cut off all contact and of course these ‘people’ have no clue what boundaries are. Every time I would say what bothered me it would be turned around and said as if I did the things she accused me of. I seriously thought I had lost my mind and thought how much easier it would be if it was me Ill just check myself into a psych ward. lol. This person was always manipulating me.. Calling my husband to make plans and when I said no when she asked me she would say, “I have already spoke to your husband.” Really? You control my household? over and over this had been done to me… My sister who is a sociopath thanks to good ole parenting started stalking my FB and contacted my husbands best friend to start a relationship, (she catfishes) she was married, lying saying she wasnt and I called her out on it and told my friend, they alll turned on me. No telling what my sister said as she wouldnt tell the truth if it was better, I cut her out of my life changed my ph # (harassing and stalking me),
    my so called best friend invited them to all her parties, and not me. When she completely destroyed him he still wont talk to me. My girl best friend and I rekindled our friendship, (looking back, why? I dont know.) My best friend that did all this is one that only is interested in herself, we only do what she wants to do where she wants to go, on and on. THere are no other options only what she wants. My energy was always depleted around her and now that I am rid of it, (as much as you can be as she was not only a friend but family).
    I feel manic coming back to myself has been so painful that I dont even know what to do sometimes as this was a 23 yr so called friendship. I cannot believe I put up with it for so long. I wonder how do I stop attracting this as I know that I do. I am somehow recreating parts of my childhood, to heal it I guess? I feel crazy half the time but as time moves on I am better.. The crazy part is when I am having a really good day (finally) she will call me or my husband out of nowhere. I have done the scissor cutting of emotional ties but its almost like she can still feel when I am good only to reach out and bitch slap me (what it feels like). Cutting my sister off totally was easier than this as i was the victim of her abuse and her favorite energy sucker (its been the best 5 years without her emotional terrorism).. I have come to realize being the sensitive caring nature that I have that without thinking I share my energy to help people. That is a great thing unless you are dealing with a narcissist. Half the time i wondered why does my friend and sister want me back so bad as they seen to have no real emotional connection to me. Then it hit me I am their favorite snack. I give warm caring energy to them always, I feel so stupid as I know how to spot these folks most of the time. They are psychic vampires who are feeding off of us. There is rarely any respect or anything from them.. my favs are the backhanded compliments they give that I used to always think of course they dont meant it badly I took it wrong. NO I DIDNT . These are cruel vindictive people who do not connect the way normal people do. She goes out has the best time eva, while I sit at home with my kids (who I prefer anyways lol) She continues to call my husband about me, he has started ignoring her calls which is hard as she is married to his brother… Its so hard for me to just be superficial so how do I deal with this?

  33. Pray without ceasing! Fast and pray! God can and will turn things around fast for you! Surrender to Jesus! He’s all we have my dear! Been there and done that. God bless!

  34. Hi All,
    Your posts are so poignant yet so heart breaking! Please remove yourselves from these manipulative men and women soon. You will heal! When you do, seek people with genuine empathy and love for other humans. I too fell for a woman who looked great but lacked substance as I found out later. Look for signs early when you start to date someone. Do they have a lot of friends of the same gender? If not, could be a red flag. Are they estanged from family members? Red Flag.
    Be aware, there are great people out there for you! Take it slow, and look out for any signs of narcissistic personality. I will you all luck!

  35. scared to put my real name, :(

    I have been, thanks. Still having those poop days .. Thanks and bless you also.

  36. Hello Fellow Normal People,

    For over a year, I have been reading so much material about narcisstic socio/psychopaths, histrionics, borderliners, anti-social personality disorder and the characteristics associated with them. I have read posts and bloggers from around the world, I hear and FEEL the cries/sadness of the aftermath that these evil disordered people cause. I am one of those sad victims. Those of you who write about a bf or gf experience, know that if you let them back in your life you are basically having Sex with Satan. Recognize the evil. Understand you will never be the only lover in their lives. Be strong, trust me, I have had a horrible experience and the aftermath is an additional emotional Hell like it was during the involvement. It’s almost like we are still in their grasp, but they are not physically in our lives, they are with someone else. In my research I came across the link below and regardless if you are Christian or not, please read this, the authors make valid points and make you think of a bigger picture:

    http://luke173ministries.org/466825

    I also would like to acknowledge that we should start a dating site exclusive to normal people or victims of these creatures. To determine if a participant is normal we would have to come up with questionnaires. Can’t say too much here because they do read our conversations where they learn from our emotional discussions to become better manipulators. They are constantly studying us. We deserve a healthy mature normal bond with a significant other. It amazes me how fast those nasty people can latch onto someone else. I am not wired like that, but I loved knowing I could love that intensely and want to give that love to a real man.

    Those evils are just capable of thinking, conning, and wearing masks of deception which exhausts them to live like that, but that is their game. They use good people to suck out their energy and get off on destroying them, that is why they are referred to as parasites. It appears on average that an involvement with one of these entities lasts about 18-24 months with several breakups during that period.

    These mind, body, soul suckers come in the form of male, female, gay, lesbian, and bi-sexual, however, there are way more reports from women who were involved with heterosexual men. I started studying about the man I was with when my friends told me they thought he was a sociopath and to run away before I got in too deep. Well…….like many of us, we fall hard for these people which is their game. The love bombing from these creatures are words and actions like we never experienced. We yearn to be loved like what they were professing to give us.

    My studies and my opinion determine my ex bf to fall into the narcisstic bipolar psychopath (NBP) disorder from being around him, his friends, and family for almost two years. His friends are his minions who are like him and encourage him to scout out new victims. Their wives just tolerate their husband’s drunkeness and prowling, or they have the disorder themselves so they don’t care. Obviously, I didn’t fit in their dysfunctional world.

    I never experienced an involvement (not relationship) with evil and definitely never “fell in love” like this with any other man. Part of my healing is talking about this with other people and I am shocked at the number of men and women who tell me about their experiences like what we have experienced. Many did not know these people’s actions fall into an actual diagnosed mental disorder. They thought they dated or lived with awful people who were players, cheaters and liars. I make it a point to educate the public. Awareness is necessary to recognize these people throughout our daily lives. I also feel there are more than ever roaming amongst us, they are multiplying/procreating in fast numbers.

    MR is in Jacksonville, Florida. He follows the idealization, devaluing, and discard stages to the letter. I am not the first woman he has done treated this way nor will I be the last. He has a bad reputation in this town, a whore, but when I met him I was fresh meat, new in town, attractive, classy and fit, smart and educated, a perfect target. In the 18-24 month involvement I saw his eyes turn black twice, after the first three months he continued to say loving remarks followed by rude comments. I watched how he didn’t blink much, wore sunglasses inside and outside and had them on his person everywhere he went (his father is the same way), eye drops were in his bathroom and vehicle I suppose because his eyes dried out due to not blinking like a normal person, I saw him yawn twice and he acted like it was a foreign bodily function, and oddly when he yawned it was not contagious to me, his Jeckyl and Hyde mood swings were like an emotional roller coaster ride, he is a pathological liar and cheater, nomadic where he has a history of changing residences often, very immature for a man 51 comparable to a 17 year old boy, overly jealous, tried to make me stop communicating with my son’s father, demanded that I request from my ex-husband that he pay me 5-10 years upfront in alimony (what man would say ‘sure I will go take out a huge loan’), he is a master manipulator and con man, made tons of promises that he never kept, stared at other women when I was out with him even if they were with another man, I always saw that he was prowling for someone better looking than me in my presence, I take pride in my appearance and turn heads, yet I was losing my confidence around him more and more, I found female hairs in his bed and bathroom that were not mine, his cell phone was loaded with numbers and texts with other women, he mentioned other women to his friends in text messages, but I was not ever mentioned, no pics on his cell of me except for an unattractive woman who is evil like him and has a steady herself, but my ex and her get off on each other as often as they can, he made me pay for stuff even though he bragged about being a millionaire, he kept track of what he spent on me, said his exes had mental issues and blamed his ex-wife for making him the way he is (yeah right). There is much more (he is pure evil) the ones involved with him (I call them the string alongs) are like him and he considers them smarter than normal people because those with the disorders feel they are superior to normal people – he said his past women didn’t care if he checked out other women in their presence. Each time I went back to him (and I broke up with him like every couple months), his hate returned faster and worse than the time before. I often felt like I was a slave for him and his two adult kids. I cooked several holiday turkeys and meals along with a variety of dishes which he would compliment, but later would make me feel like my efforts were not good enough. I made some very good dishes and put a lot of thought in them because he has such a picky palate. The sex was good in the beginning, I made sure I gave him great sex, I am athletic, and he told me I exhausted him. Really? Dang I was hoping so, but I believe he would cause problems on purpose to get us fighting so he could feel okay with being with someone else. He did tell others that the sex was amazing with me, then what the heck did he need other supply for? That must be the narcisstic disorder, they think they need to give themselves to any piece of ass that gives them attention. And……believe me he didn’t go for better than me, when I saw photos of three of them, I thought, OMG they are trashy looking, easy, whore-like, most likely with the same disorder, they do gravitate to each other and usually these people are the “others in tow or string alongs”. The pics of the women I saw made me realize that I was involved with a trashy man. I was his arm candy that made him appear normal, but once I started reading on this brain dysfunction I told him what I was learning. (Probably should not tell these weirdos what they are, they already know they are rotten people and hate to be exposed). I remember his head tilting to one side with an expression to signify, “Aww, I have to get rid of you now”. His facial expression meant that I was in for a real devaluing. There was another time he asked me if I told men I spoke to on a day to day basis if I had a BF and I said, “No, because I never where we stand from day to day,” and he looked upset and sad. He turned away from me and I swear I saw his mouth quiver like he was going to cry, but he fought back from his face/mouth showing he was going to cry. I was taken by surprise at that reaction because I wondered if that meant he was losing me as his supply. I doubt it meant that he was hurt since they can’t feel those emotions. I really don’t know why his mouth would quiver, but he didn’t want me to see his face. When he turned around I swear I saw tears in his eyes. I want to mention that as much as I read that they don’t care about us, it is probably true, but I think I made an impact in his life because he said I was the most different, most likely because all of his past women are NS or NP’s. He always said all the women were bitches, and that I was too nice, he said I needed to become more of a bitch. Excuse me? I am analytical and we had very long talks about his life and why he is the way he is. I guess these entities can’t handle if their partner knows their disorder even though when he held me he held on for dear life – perhaps he was trying to take ownership of my soul. I always felt he wanted so much to be normal, but he just can’t be and the evil of the NBP disorder is too strong.

    I broke-up for good the beginning of June this year and I know he had a new victim in high gear for at least three months prior so he was seeing both of us at the same time. I dumped his ass after he said he loved me and tried to convince me that we were exclusive yet that was after I found female hairs on him, his bed, and his bathroom. I knew that the insanity had to end. I deserved better than that disgusting crap. He blamed me for making up stories in my head, like I made up that he was cheating on me. Everything was all a lie and fake, I was just an object to him. I could not fix him, they are unfixable. I had to go No Contact.

    I read entities overlap partners, as one is being love bombed, the main gf is being discarded, but often neither gf knows about each other. Well, I suspected what was going on – I couldn’t believe it was really happening, I honestly wanted to believe that he wanted me forever and he would never really find someone else. When I exposed what he is that is when he went on a serious replacement. They hate being exposed.

    Once again, I repeat you are never their only partner. They are saying the same things they say to you to someone else.

    They also think of us as stupid to come back for more abuse, we go back because we love them, they don’t love us. They just see us as play things and objects to satisfy their supply of being admired. If you were like me, you worked hard to please (our co-dependent nature), we wanted so much for the first person to return, the one we met and fell in love with, and that person NEVER returns. THEY FABRICATED A FAKE PERSON TO MIMMICK US. After studying us, our vulnerabilities, interests, viewpoints, they become like us. Hence the fake SOULMATE saga.

    My story and yours is how our minds are brainwashed. I find it bizarre how their brains make them operate similarly and they intentionally ruin our mind and souls by getting us hooked on them. Google NS or NP MRI brains it is so obvious how they are missing a huge portion of their frontal lobe compared to a normal brain. I often wondered how do they juggle so many people at once. In my case, his mask slipped where he became confused who he was with, I witnessed that, it happened a few times. When I would say what are you doing, he would quickly switch masks and return to who he was with me. Really freaky, they are dispicable demonic whores.

    I gather from what I have read that socios are not the high functioning pathology, they lack the ability to succeed and have problems with money and responsibilities so their forefront partner is one they latch onto to provide living assistance and a good lifestyle (which is my ex-husband, I never loved him, he is just as evil, never love bombed me, I settled because my biological clock was ticking :-( ). The psychos, (non killing ones), ex bf, are high functioning and in positions of authority or power like CEO, Attorneys, Doctors, Politics, Mental Health Counselors, where the supply they put in the forefront are usually arm candy, educated, successful, to make them look good and normal. Both socios and psychos share the main characteristic in that they suck the life out of their main victim.

    PTSD does not go away in a few days. I have relapses and have to do a lot of self talk to boost up my ego, work constantly on regaining my confidence, understand that I did nothing wrong, comprehending that these people will always repeat this craziness with others, I have isolated myself so I don’t run into the NBP, I must get stronger and stop hiding, I need to believe I am worthy of a wonderful normal man who can love me for REAL, and not be afraid to let a good man in my life, get over trust issues, stop crying – oh does that crying hurt! I never cried like this in my life, but the crying days are getting further apart. I must stop beating myself up for saying I am stupid for allowing this man in my life and not listening to my gut.

    Bottom line: LISTEN TO YOUR GUT, THERE WERE RED FLAGS ABOUT MY EX NBP FROM THE BEGINNING. OUR INSTINCTS ARE DESIGNED TO PROTECT US. HEED THE WARNINGS.

    THEN RUN AND NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE THEM IN PUBLIC OR CONTACT THEM. OTHERWISE YOU ARE LETTING THEM KNOW THEY ARE WINNING. THEY WANT YOU TO WANT THEM SO THEY CAN HURT YOU AGAIN.

    Thank you for reading if you made it this far. Thank you to the original poster for letting me tell my story. The pain these awful people cause is real, even though they faked their love for us.

    I have wanted to write for a long time, but I feel where I am now in my healing is a good time to tell my horror story.

  37. A heartfelt thankyou to the human being who wrote the article,New Ways To Healing! It really struck a cord for me today! The gut wretching devastation these “N” s cause to the good souls of this world is unbelievable! I for one want to thrive again ,painful as the journey has been ! I mean who the hell wants to feel this way forever! But at least I know i can “Feel”as opposed to the “N””s who can never feel ,never know the beauty of an intimate relationship! The suffering part I know i must go thru it but you know what, COMPASSION the word in latin means with suffering! At the end of this journey and i know there will be an end I WILL not only resurrect my sleeping soul but come out so very grateful that i am not them !

  38. Thank you for writing this I won’t tell you my story because if you are here then you already know it. Just remember you matter and you never caused this to happen to you. Evil comes in many forms and this is just one form. Hold your head up high and try to show little emotion to your abuser because that will kill them bit by bit and then you WIN!~ Even though it is VERY difficult to show little emotion it is necessary for your recovery and that is all the matters. I will pray for anyone reading this post. God Bless.

  39. Hang in there you are so much better off than you were 1 week ago. I left my np after 30 years of marriage. A marriage full of lies, deceit, and a lifetime of his attempts to completely annihilate my soul. I am 54 now and starting completely over though some days I feel like doing nothing more than staying in bed the bed days are miserable but compared to the fear and constant head games when with my husband I would take the bed days anytime. I am 1 year seperated and trying to get my life on track. I still miss him and crave some sort of validation of all I did for him and our children during our marriage. I crave what I know he will never be capable of giving me, I won’t lie it’s not easy to take control of your life but I do know there are days now that I actually feel happiness and pride in myself. I know in my heart I deserve to be happy and that is what I am working towards. I am starting to like myself again. You will survive and be a better person because if it all. God bless you.

  40. Wow …. All the stories here have helped me to see that I am not the “crazy” one as he claimed all these 5 years .. All he ever was , was a charming DEVIL with sparkling blue eyes… i am so glad that I am off the roller coaster and can’t wait until the pain in my heart goes away. i am hopeful that the courts won’t allow unsupervised visits with our 3 year old as i have on audio recordings the way he spoke to me and everyone in that house of horrors.
    I remain skeptical and hopeful … :) thanks for sharing your stories of strife and survival …

  41. ..I too can’t believe I was used by a narcissist (my psychologist confirms the label). He FIRST broke up with me a week after Christmas, on New Years Eve, 2 days after my 5th surgery, a week before my birthday with in a text message.. And 6 months later he “came to his senses” and wanted me back and I let him back in. I thought of him as just insensitive due to his upbringing. He said he’d never knew love until he met me. HA! I did everything to try to make him love me like he said he did. I’d apologize for no reason (he rarely if but twice did), buying him gifts (iPad, paying for his lawn care at his place, vacations, etc) clothing ( his entire wardrobe) and finally living with me in my home for 6 mo having paid less than $150 for food and room/board. OMG…I can go on and on with the ways I shamed myself trying to earn his love. (Oh, did I mention he forgot my birthday this year?). I just finally kicked him out a week ago, but he still has things here that he’ll be returning to collect. I dread the thought. I cry not knowing how I’ll get through this. I hate that I check my phone constantly.. But I think what hurts most is that I know who he is and what he is, yet I still love him. I would HATE it if I had to watch my adult children in a relationship like I experienced. Now, another 18 months later I know I’m worth so much more….but boy, Im just not feeling that way now. 😪.

  42. alisha merchant

    This is really helpful..my anger and frustrationsometimes goes to a peak as i feel only i am the one suffering..the abuser is going through nothing at all..this thought increases my anger..

  43. A positive thought for you all to understand is that you have been selected by God to have a good nature. You are able to love and be loved, you have a conscious, can feel empathy, guilt, remorse, sadness, and you have a quality moral compass. Good always prevails.

    The evil entities do not possess those good emotions. They choose us to suck out our goodness, they are angry they do not have the ability to feel like we do so their dysfunctional brains want to punish us. They are not chosen by God to have the opportunity for eternal bliss. They are destined for eternal damnation. They are reprobates. Please check out the site I posted in my previous blog about how God views reprobates.

    Next time you miss him or her change your thoughts to: you are better than them. You are a complete human, they are inhuman. God is Love and when a person lacks Love they have nothing. They are empty souls.

    You figure it is pure evil when after they are gone they trained our thoughts to think about them when they don’t even think of us. We don’t want to think of them, we fight it, but our thoughts continue to fire off messages about them. EVIL!

    I will share how MR’s manipulation/devaluing went down after the love bombing stage. The negative remarks are first, but imagine negative and positive intertwined, that is how it was. Nasty then nice, then nasty then nice.

    MR said I went back to him to be treated worse each time, he said we didn’t love the same way, he said he didn’t know the difference between love and in-love, he said he didn’t like rules, he said I was too nice to break up with, he said he didn’t see me being in his life long-term, that I am into my body too much, said I had veins sticking out of my left leg and he said it in front of people so they looked at my leg to embarrass me, (he has tumors in his legs that protrude), he said he doesn’t care, that he doesn’t care what people think about him, he said he is good looking and many women want him (lol). (For the record, he isn’t that good looking). He lied to me about him being a nonsmoke and he smokes. Lied to me about him drinking and he is a drunk. He also said in between all those comments over a course of two years that he loved me and told me first within two months, he said he can’t imagine anyone else ever being his wife, that we were soul mates (gag, hate hearing that term now), that we were connected mind, body, and soul, that he loved my body and how proud he was that I took care of myself said I had a gorgeous body, that I pleased him sexually like no other woman in his life, (that grosses me out because how many women have there been anyway, he is a whore), he said I made his house a home, gave him things no one ever did, took care of him like no one ever has, blah blah blah. I figured him out and he told me I would never figure him out – well, I have a counseling and psychology background and it took me a while, but I figured him out. My coursework did not cover all what I experienced, which I am angry about. I also stopped flattering him, so he knew I was going to stop the game soon. He was trying to beat me by getting a new victim before I left him. He sure found someone else fast to hook while with me, and we were actually getting along, until I found the hairs in his new place. That was his plan to leave me in disbelief and alone. Because I am not a cheater, I didn’t have a new man to replace him. Part of me wishes I had, he wasn’t worth any of the love I gave him. I never gave any man that much love before, I didn’t know I could love like that. He told me he was stressed out with work all the time, he owns his own company, and that made him say weird things. (No, he is a psycho that’s why). He told me to walk away or leave the room when he was acting weird and when I would come back he would be better. (Okay, Jeckyl and Hyde that’s a great way to live in peace and harmony).

    Do not be jealous of who they have in their web of lies. Do not be jealous of that miserable dysfunction.

    Do not cry over them, none of it was real with us or anyone, the hardest part about moving forward is to trust someone new. The disordered betrayal is so hard to accept where it leaves us to question everyone’s intentions, at least for me. I hope someday a wonderful man comes into my life who is real and normal and I pray I recognize his goodness.

    The evils teeter on the law, they ride in the gray area, and I read that it puzzles a lot of people why there are no laws to protect the victims when they have experienced the idealization, devaluing, and discard abuse. Normal people need to make a stand. The law pertains to only the criminals who get caught, yet these evil mentally disordered people are the main causes for the problems in our world.

    Think about this: When bad things happen too often, groups are formed to put laws in place to protect innocent victims and get justice served. Take MADD for instance. When we do nothing, these rotten evils continue doing what they are doing. We are letting them observe us, and learn from our emotions to improve their fake masks. They become more clever in their manipulating game, and sickenly, they are procreating and multiplying.

    We are chosen by God, and they are not. They think our good characters make us stupid, but we must stand together and say, No We Are Better Than Them! There are still more of us Normal people, it’s about time we do something.

    That is how you regain your empowerment and strength. You will become stronger knowing you have been chosen to have wonderful good qualities. If you let the evils tear you down, they win.

    Good always prevails!

    Please Do NOT ever return to them for more abuse.

    Thank you to the Original Poster.

  44. I do believe these people are sick and for your own sake it is best to keep away – I keep telling myself the same thing. However, I do not believe that anyone is so far gone that God cannot redeem them. Paul of the Bible used to persecute and kill christians before his Damascus Road experience. Pray for them and let them go. There is something better for you when you do.

  45. Is there a good bkok subject or a healer that works on the soul and Can you recommend d a good. Healer who works on the cellular level?

  46. Thanks Blondie.

    Keep telling yourself you deserve better, a real man. I will never ever go back and he will never hoover back. He knows I know too much about what he is. Many things in my life have improved now that he is out. I never want to see him again. I don’t care what he is doing, I believe in Karma, all the harm he has done to me and to others will come back around and get him.

    However, on a Christian note, I really want to believe that there is hope for these preditors to be Saved and upon being Saved God intervenes and transforms them into good people. I even tried to help MR by guiding him to salvation and break free as satan’s minion, but……….

    When their brain tells them that nothing is wrong with them or are afraid to be found out by mental health counselors, there is no way they will become better people. They are more comfortable continuing to live the way they are.

    Their brains are not fully developed. MRI’s show what is missing compared to a developed brain. To create/produce all what is absent; gray matter, good and caring feelings, a loving heart, would be a frontal lobe miracle.

    MR said I could not change him, that he cannot change. I wasn’t sure what he was talking about with regards to “trying to change him” except that he must have been referring to his preditor prowling and cheating. Each time I went back to him after brief breakups, the weird dark comments he blurted out revealed more of what he is.

    I’m just glad it’s over. I hope in a year from now, this experience is buried deep in my memory.

  1. Pingback: Seeking knowledge of a sociopath - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

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