About ANA

ANA was developed out of sheer desperation of the human spirit clinging to it’s last bit of hope.

Lost and confused after ending a long term relationship that at one point had felt like the greatest “love” of my life, I struggled to find answers and put a finger on just WHAT IT WAS that had gone so terribly wrong.

So desperate was my need for answers, I sat on my therapists couch, tears streaming down my face, begging him to tell me, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEE?”

His answer surprised me; and forever changed the way I view this world.

“You were in a domestically abusive relationship.”

“WHAT?????”  I asked in utter shock. “But he didn’t “hit” me?”

He answered with, “Not with his fists.  You are dealing with a narcissist. You have just ended an abusive relationship with a NARCISSIST.”

My mind whirled  – when I heard my therapist name what it was – I began to be flooded with many examples from the narcissist’s behavior that fit what the therapist was telling me.

The narcissist lured me into a toxic affair with charm, mind games, promises & flattery – sold me on a soul mate love that he’d never felt before and then proceeded to take every good thing he could from me; my love, my innocence, my trust, my sense of justice, my kindness, my empathy, my unconditional love, and my good name – and replaced it with abuse. Lies about me (he told others I was stalking him), got me fired from jobs, created a fake website about me claiming that I was crazy, delusional, a drug addict, and even talked poorly about my children, who he was a father figure to for years.

The therapist ran over the list of symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder:

Lack of empathy? Check!
Boasting about his image? Check!
Perfectionism? Check!
Lack of boundaries? Check!
Expects special treatment? Check!

Obsessive Compulsive and sexually perverted? Check!

Pathological lying? Multiple serial affairs and cheating? Check!

Guilt tripping?  Check!
Passive aggressive? Check!
Possessive, Jealous, downright mean? Check!
Controlling. Wouldnt ‘allow’ me to have feelings or express them? Check!
Loved by everyone on the outside – but HATED by those who know the real them? Check!

I was dating the poster boy for narcissism

For the first time in many years….I finally felt that IT WASNT ME,  like the narcissist had blamed me for over & over.  It explained why I’d never been able to do anything right to ‘earn’  his “love”.

From that day on, I promised God that if he brought me through the darkness, that I would pay forward the knowledge of everything I learned through my lesson, about the narcissist, their red flags, their abuse, my upbringing with a narcissistic parent, my own vulnerabilities and how to never allow myself to be exploited again by another narcissistic individual; be it a boss, boyfriend, family member or friend.

My philosophy is very simple: KNOWLEDGE IS POWER  – I am making available all the knowledge I’ve gained as a result of this experience with a narcissistic abuser in an effort to help empower you and let you know  that you are not alone in your suffering.

There truly is Light, Life, Love & Laughter after narcissistic abuse, It is my hope for you, that you truly come to know this for yourself.

xo,

ANA

 

 

  1. You are so awesome. I am eternally grateful for people like you. Coming out of a narcissistic relationship is worse than being an alcoholic or drug addict cause I had a drinking problem and i’ve been in AA but what I thought was the worst thing in the world (my drinking problem) PALED in comparison to being with a narcissist. They can take a whole life out in a short period of time. It’s just terror, heartbreak, shock and confusion all the time. And the heartbreak is the scariest part. Thank you for helping us all out of the dark clingy grips of the narc! Cause boy they are powerful!

  2. I have nominated your blog with the Shauny Award For Blogging Excellence! Thank you so much for all that you do to help others rise beyond abuse!

  3. I’ve been studying and reading for 5+ years now on this subject as I am in a toxic relationship with a narcissistic man. Five years ago I could not find much on this topic. However now I am finding more and more helpful information for which I am extremely grateful. I too want to share what I have learned in an effort to curtail the next person from wasting numerous years in “hell” thinking it’s their fault and not realizing exactly what a narcissist is capable of. Perhaps, since I have not found the strength to end my situation once and for all, I am not qualified to advise others as of yet. Even so, I wanted you to know how happy I am not only to see that others have gone thru this and survived but that people such as yourself take the time to create websites and write all of this great information and sincere advice for those of us who are still struggling. You have my deepest appreciation.

  4. Simply put: thank you!

  5. Thank you so much, your facebook page helped me to make sense of a 10 year marriage to a narcissist. I am now finally divorced, with a loving kind partner, and we have a new baby. I have started a blog myself, as a form of self therapy! I honestly can’t thank you enough.

  6. At last I have the information I have needed all along and I realise what my ex partner is…I am in the process of building a case to stop him having anything to do with our daughter. He is possibly one of the most dangerous, scary people I have ever met and until recently I believed all he had said and that it was me, I felt like I wasn’t even alive any more. Thank God for you and your articles, help and support, I am without a doubt extremely thankful for it all – Knowledge is indeed power xxx bless you xxx

  7. Is that you at the kahului airport?

  8. Awesome! I live on Maui, I thought it looked familiar. Next time you visit come visit me at the Ritz for some yoga or massage. Love your work.

  9. Yes! It would deb amazing to meet you, and I would be happy to set you up with a day pass to use our spa facilities at the Ritz. Email me if you have time while you are on Maui xo

  10. May God Continue to BLESS you! !!!
    Thank you so much!
    The information that you are posting is truly amazing! !!
    It is so spot on & poignant.
    I want to tell the world, because the world thinks this is normal behavior for allot of people.
    Thanks for paying it forward. You are helping a mom and two daughters., almost 16 & 11.
    I look forward to this community. It TRULY HELPS SO MUCH! !!!!!!!!!!!!!! ♡♥☆★♡♥

  11. Oh my gosh!!!!!! GOD BLESS YOU!!!!! I can’t tell you how comforting it is to me to have found you and your site/FB page!!!!! FINALLY…….someone who understands what I’ve been going through! There is absolutely NO WAY to understand it without having been through it! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!

    Now……..to get out of this relationship………. :(

    • AT least, YOU SEE IT!!!!! <3 You can stop blaming yourself now – and turn a deaf ear to the criticisms and hacking down of your self worth. Narcissism is NOT your problem. You've only been "living with it". Detachment while still in the relationship will help you go a LONNNNNNNNNG way towards getting the strength to leave. Every situation is different so there aren't any rules about when or how. What I find to be true however, is that once we're sick and tired of being sick and tired, we'll do ANYTHING to run out of the burning building! :) Welcome to the beginning of FREEDOM!!! xoxo

  12. haydngreycopywritingagency

    You’re a superstar.
    Thank you, thank you X

  13. Thanks so much for our courage in expressing this journey. I have also written a bit on this very topic, but you have taken my understanding to another level. Having undergone this same type of abuse from a colleague/friend, I know the pain of confusion, frustration, and overwhelming abuse of a narcissist. Women need to be educated on this so that they never fail into the confusing trap of these types of relationships. Please keep up the good work!

  14. Hi,

    Thank you for opening up like this. I don’t know if I’m asking a question or needing advice, but someone I’m very very close to is currently in the situation you overcame. There’s something that confuses me, I’m new to this. Without getting into too much detail, her situation was unique, her boyfriend threatened her and moved-in before a first date even, there was no nice guy first then going sour after, restraining orders aside and being banned from her workplace, months later she said she’s now with him to the shock of all her peers and protectors, and after trying to leave multiple times (he attempted suicide within first year and also faked terminal cancer, I’d tell you more but it gets worse.) she also financially supports this much older boyfriend, and she knows it’s wrong because after 4 years the parents don’t know anything about her being in a common law marriage with this violent felon. They think she’s single and loving life.

    Where I’m getting to, is a couple years ago we got close as friends can be, she was my muse and a wonderful friendship blossomed so far as her to tell me she love loves me. It changed last year, she was finally “allowed” to go see her parents for the first time since she’s been with him (4 years!). Upon her return it seemed like she was broken, absolutely kept out of touch, was an angel in person, but 1/10 texts got a reply, she went from defiant always stating she doesn’t love him and she’s figuring out how to leave for the umpteenth time, but after her return from her trip she seemed to take a turn where she isn’t allowed any outside friends especially me whom she loves most for the men in her life. One thing though, being that she can’t see anyone and cancels all plans by not showing or answering phones even for her girlfriends.

    What I’m getting at is should I live-up to my expectations by staying and trying when she clearly can’t conjure up the courage to keep me in her life? I feel sometimes she wishes I was never in her life by the dismissiveness displayed. I feel now it’s taking a lot out of me. She now has a new friend whom she is actually able to hangout with, a weird old man in his 60’s (she’s 29) whom calls her a c-word and other vile things with a smirk, and she runs to his side, if I act like the guy she fell for, it seems to push her further and further away. I must admit, for someone with confidence through the roof, I sometimes feel like it’s me.

    In your experience, would you be so aloof if you loved someone outside your relationship, but more comfy around two men that are mean and make everything your fault? You can tell the esteem is shattered. For once my confidence is swaying that leaving might jar something loose maybe as the smiles I used to generate seem to have less effect.

    Sorry to make you read all that!

    R

  15. 10 years, 10 long years, I just got tired. I still blame myself for allowing this to happen to me, I never knew people were like this, I;m so glad I wasn’t crazy, I thought I was being too emotional, that’s what he said,

  16. Hi, thank you so much for sharing this. I just got out of a two year relationship with a narcissist and I couldn’t figure out why this breakup hurt me so much more than others. I just can’t seem to move on. I started doing a whole lot of reading and realized I was dating a narcissist and this wasn’t just a normal breakup. I was treated horribly by another human being who went out of his way to tear me down. I’m trying to absorb all the info, accept it, understand it, and hopefully realize it wasn’t my fault and stop beating myself up. I’m trying to find any support groups in my area.

  17. Thank you for your work in helping us survivors of these monsters.

  18. I am a look grateful for this invaluable information and am going to try to keep it short. I have been in one Narc. relationship after another in my life…I’m 46, and am convinced it all started with my very abusive 22 yr. marriage. Probably before. After a horrible divorce and 5 children later, one of which passed away suddenly and tragically at 17. I found a good person to share my life with and example good life skills for My children who are now older. The scary part is one of my kids, my daughter who is 27 recently came back home and has taken over her father’s abusive narsacistic role in my life and before I realized it I was more than just traumatized. I was almost dead. She grew up with a front row seat, mom’s fault for everything in her Dad’s life so why not. Being the second family member and my child, living her in a different, nurturing way I couldn’t see it. She wouldn’t hurt me? I’d taken her in right? Wrong! Disconnected, my road was severe and I’d lost enough weight and sleep to be under 100 lbs. My mind is scrambled. Numb…memory non- existent. This site I just found tonight and I feel for the first time in forever there is hope. I’ve cut off all contact starting now even though she had a baby in the last 24 hrs..she’d just use her as another pawn.Please, please find a way to spread this ever so impt information. I will as well.I could have died soon and really…it may have felt like a relief to a long bout of suffering.I just didn’t understand WHY?? Thank you…so much. Sincerely, Melinda

  19. Every time I feel low or like I’m going to cave in and contact my ex, I come here and read one of your post to remind me why I can never go back! Staying away from the poison apple, is very difficult but necessary! Thank you!

  20. Recently got out of a very abusive relationship with a Narcissist, and agree that more knowledge = more powerful and faster healing. I am so thankful for this, ANA, and other resources out there, that I made my own contribution. This video is a little long but gives real-life examples of how narcissistic abuse played out in my relationship, hope one or more finds it useful! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMXENQjqzcA

  21. Hi I just found your blog through http://www.thesecretslayer.com/?p=387, pearl wrote a post on “Do you love a narcissist:5 sites that help” and you were the first blog I chose and am glad I did because you write very well! My mother is a narcissist and I still feel like its me at times, so thank you so much, i will be reading all your posts! Till next time! Themethadonemaze.blogspot.ca

  22. I wish I could say I was coming out of a relationship with a narcissist, because it’d be over. When the narcissist is your dad….you’re forever tied to them…even when you live away…guilt tripping, family bad-mouthing, using other people to guilt you….it’s never ending and still you have the heartbreaking realization that the guy who was supposed to raise you up to be everything…kept you under his thumb so you’d never not need him

  23. Wow! Thank YOU GOD.. For this woman’s knowledge. I feel the same way.. I feel I can carry on and help make a difference .. I want too

  24. Thank you for being a support for me and know that im not along in this fight. trying to be better day by day and dealing now with parent alienation from my ex. My son hates me because I left his father.
    He is using him as a weapon and is very painful… ill try to be better day by day and hope that one day everything will be fine.
    Thank you! all of you are in my prayers.
    love
    Ivana

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