Dear Narcissist, A break up is THE END.

You try everything within your power to distance yourself from someone you dont choose to be associated with.

My understanding is that when you end a relationship with someone, it’s OVER. You come to terms with what caused the end. You take responsibility for your part of the situation and you move on; move forward.  The lesson you learn teaches you how to behave in the future.  You, as the normal in this breakup, can do that.

Not so with a narcissist.

For whatever their distorted fascination is with having power over their victims, a narcissist will fight tooth & nail to not lose this.  Even if the only objective with their victim is to keep them in their minds, afraid & aware that they have the upper hand.

What I find oddly disturbing is WHY we cross the minds of the narcissist at all?

Let’s break this down.

We know the narcissist’s PRIMARY objective is to obtain supply to boost up their flailing ego and lack of true identity.  But at THIS POINT in the break-up:  a year or two later….the narc is NOT going to get supply out of us.  We know that to a narc, supply can be both positive and negative attention.  Indifference wont let us have any negative feelings for the narc; not this far healed.  They know that we have a very low opinion of them.

Two  explanations come to mind:

1. DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR:
The narcissist is #1 in their worlds and believe they should be #1 in the world’s of others.  The narc, actively stalks what their victim is doing after the break up to look for signs of  still being active in the minds of their victims; some shabby form of supply.
To surveil their victims, likely engages their imaginations to read THEMSELVES into the words, thoughts and expressions of their target; from there, PROJECTING their twisted stalking onto the victim. Their self aggrandizing, delusions of grandeur combined with their projection and blaming, allow the narcissist to spin the tale of “false victim” where they present the story that the victim is really stalking them.

Twisted, I agree – but narcs are not grounded in reality.

2.  FEAR:
The Narcs fear is engaged.  Something the victim knows about the narc engages his paranoia that the victim can harm him.  By  being preoccupied with what the victim is doing, he remains engaged. WHY?  We know that narcs dont love their victims, so it’s not that they’re hoping we come back to them.  They KNOW that WE KNOW their deep dark secret and truth. WE ARE A THREAT. Only the narc and his target understand this macabre reality. As many times as the victim has tried to articulate to others, many find it hard to believe that the narcissist engages in such subversive games and manipulations and is truly this mentally disturbed; as the IMAGE does NOT represent that. It does, to those of us who know how to read everything a narc says & does.

Combine these with what else we know about a narc and next we’d expect to see them shoot a PROACTIVE shot into his opponents court:

Any smear and stalking campaign the narcissist uses to continue to harrass his target is motivated by his unhealthy need for power and his perpetual efforts to uphold the  image he projects and his fear that this image will be threatened because of what he knows his target knows. They are acutely aware that  the secret never goes away with us- what’s TRUE IS TRUE; irrespective of what the narc deludes.  To extinguish this ugly knowledge, they seek to extinguish the possessor of that knowledge: THE VICTIM.

So begins the narcissists delusional imagination and schemes. How to make the victim GO AWAY? Twist reality to make it seem that the victim is instead the perpetrator and begin to weave your “spin” on the story.  Does the narcissist REALLY believe we’d want any contact with them? Does a year and a half of silence NOT register?  Is the person this obtuse? This removed from reality?

ONLY  a person with narcissistic personality disorder would believe that someone that broke up with them a year and a half ago would want ANYTHING to do with that person ever again.

Break ups are endings. With normals, we expect that we’ll grieve, get our feelings out, learn something and apply the lessons to future endeavors.  We want PEACE after the battling and abusive relationship with a narcissist. We’ve been dragged through hell, forced to deal with unnecessary drama. We’ve been hurt but have bounced back. We deserve to move on and be free from ANY harassment the narcissist perpetrates.  We WANT the break up to be THE END!

WE ARE NOT HIS PEOPLE ANYMORE!  WE ARE FREE FROM THE NARCISSIST’S ABUSE and deserve the right to quiet enjoyment in our lives.  We shouldnt have to look over our shoulders while the narc and his accomplices perpetrate surveillance of us. THAT’S CREEPY! ITS SCARY! STOP IT!!!!!!!!! LEAVE US ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE EARNED OUR FREEDOM FROM THIS!!!!! GO AWAY!!!!!!!! MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND LEAVE US ALONE FOREVER!!!!

Posted on July 15, 2012, in Narcissism. Bookmark the permalink. 7 Comments.

  1. Oh, I so hear you! I am divorcing my narc of 20 years right now. It is a delightful hell. I have met the 3 wives prior to me. Nhub is 70 years old. He claims wife 1, just out of college, (who is also a narc) still loves him (never mind that she remarried a poor guy that has taken her crap forever.) I think they look at it as more like being a Hell’s Angel, once you are in their little love club, you are a member for life, no matter what you say. Like I said, he’s 70, and God willing, I won’t be in the club providing “fantasy supply” for much longer. NO CONTACT is the ONLY way to go. Good luck, I am surprised he has not found another target in a year and a half. I would expect mine to take care of that hot mess of being alone within 3 months of moving into his new house. They are exasperating assholes. Good insightful post!

  2. Interesting read. I identify so well. I have an order of protection agains my narc ex and even though it says no contact of any kind he has managed to use the court system to sneak in contact here and there. It has been over a year and half and luckily I have managed to have very little direct contact with him even though we share custody of one of our daughters. He still insists we need to talk and communicate as though everything is alright “for the sake of the children”. I insist on only written communication and he hates that because he can’t manipulate me that way. I have told him he scares me and intimidates me so any other contact is out of the question but he just says I have issues…. I say I don’t have issues, just reality.

    • Many hugs to you! I only spent six months with one and I am so glad I had some education in psychology from college. I am so glad he was already married because I might have ended up with him…I wish you the best …you sound strong…stay that way!

    • I dont know what has come of your situation since this posting, but admitting to him your sense of fear and anxiety will continue to provide him with a purpose to continue the behavior. Remember, negative attention is just as good as positive attention to a stalker.

  3. Exasperating assholes…that is the perfect name for them. I just dumped one who pursued me for a year until I started a relationship with him. It was great beyond great for a few months until I became suspicious of his marital status! Yup, I found out he was married and he still denied it lol I met other people who knew him and they said ” I hope your not dating that guy” hes and ASS! I got out before it got too crazy

  4. Wow. I could have written this. Does it ever end??? I’ve been divorced from a narcissist for 3 years, and if anything the situation has gotten worse. He does EVERYTHING he can possibly do to control, manipulate, and hurt me, and he never even let up when my father was suddenly diagnosed with terminal cancer after we divorced. I haven’t had peace in over 3 years and I pray for it everyday.

  5. I am with a narcisist. I can’t believe his changing behavior from so loving to completely hating me!I am going to continue to learn about narcism and how to get out of this only 1 year relationship with this man. I have never met someone so deviant! It is incredible to learn about, even more to overcome it, learn about codependancy and heal from it. When we are together it has become like a horror story. The way he treats me is such madness! I am starting to comprehend how mean these men can be. But it seems to remind me of the secret way I was treated by my father. I believe there was sexual abuse. I have to say I am far from perfect but people have to know that these men are out to destroy us! To further our advancement as empowered women and end this slavery we are not even aware of, Let’s let it be known that we will no longer stand for it! Let peace and harmony reign! And it will end with this man once and for all.. SO BE IT.

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