Narcissism Is an Identity Disorder

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Isn’t this obvious as the light of day? They have no clue who they really are. There’s no deep spiritual well from which they can express themselves. They’re as flat as a carboard cut out. My guess is that a narcissist would opt to be one if they could, because of the relief they’d feel over not having anyone expect anything from them. Just so long as everyone thought the cardboard cut out was attention worthy.


Identity is about SUBSTANCE and FABRIC; essence and spirit.


When is the last time you’ve heard a narcissist described with such depth? Their depth is a framework of abnormal constructs & structures.


Their “identity” although permanently FIXED in disorder, is a fragile, mobile, versatile little creature. Like taking off one mask, in order to wear another, they can quickly morph into what they think is cool and appealing about others. Hunters have a way to categorize their prey, knowing that certain targets will bring handsome rewards and with it a potential source of “identity” or supply.


Empathetic, loving – naturally confident targets who have been conditioned to see asking for things as “selfish” are the #1 reward to the human hunting prey.


It’s not that we like the role of “sitting duck” or “fish in a barrel” it’s just that we were raised that way, we learned to acquiesce, be pleasing, go along, keep the peace, nurture and care for others.

Anymore, I like to keep what’s special about us, kind of quiet. It’s probably one part defense of being concerned with boasting, but also, don’t want to advertise that we’d make good narc bait. I digress…


Identity Crisis’ in narcissists stem from their very primal question, “Who am I?” and their very narcissistically rigid answer, “I dont know! But WHOEVER I AM, I am the greatest!!! Right?” And then goes about the world seeking to make mirrors out of every other human being they come in contact with.


Ask any narcissist a simple introspective probing question, such as: “How are you feeling?” and watch the person avert the question, unable to probe any depths (because it isn’t there) and babble out something about “thinking or behaving”. They don’t feel things….Like self worth.

To compensate, narcissists develop what’s called a “false self.”


The severity and intensity of NPD comes from the desperate pursuit of a sense of self. Npds delusionally believe all the lies they tell themselves about who they are: as a famous quote says, if you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the “truth.” If a narcissist tells themselves and boasts frequently enough that they are  ________________, then maybe just maybe they’ll be that. 


Most people just find hobbies and enjoy them. Narcissists BECOME them. Most people find other people or relationships satisfying and enjoyable, narcissists BECOME the other person. I suppose it stands to reason that when someone feels they lack something (a true identity) they’re always seeking it; always on the look out for it outside of themselves.


The opposite of the “false self” is the authentic self. The authentic self is the core of who you really are, not what people tell you you should be or the “you” defined by people who do not really know you: the doubters, critics, and others who see the part of you that you choose to show. It’s the you that you talk about to the people and know you best and whom you trust to be careful with your vulnerabilities.

Narcissists can’t afford to be vulnerable at all–especially not to themselves.


Remember, they need to believe the lie. So they make up a fictitious false self who is everything the narcissist is not: the entitled, superior, inflated, and grandiose self fed by the narcissist’s fantasies and what they can squeeze out of sources of narcissistic supply.


This mask, which the narcissist thinks is real, hides the insecure and damaged part of the narcissist and chases way feelings of depression, abandonment, and shame. It protects them from painful feelings. Affirmations of the false self keep the mask in good repair. If they’re not forthcoming, they’ll demand them in one way or another in the ways that make the relationship a wild ride on a rollercoaster (which no one understands besides other people who have a loved one with NPD).


The Narcissists success in maintaining this illusion makes you continually doubt yourself since you rarely receive validation of what you are going through. Even mental health professionals miss the boat. (Remember, you didn’t want to believe it either.)


It takes a lot of work to keep the fragile, superficial mask in good enough shape to protect against what Narcissists see as “attacks” from the outside world, e.g., complaints about their self-absorbed ways–especially those from formerly premium sources of supply like spouses and children. This destroys the illusion and might force the Narcissist to take a closer, more humble look at themselves. That’s why they protect the mask so aggressively in ways that make you continually doubt yourself. It’s extremely painful to have your feelings rebuffed by someone whom you feel/felt so much love for.


Also, life is dominated by doing, achievement, and performance rather than on intimate connections with others. This is one reason why you see so many narcissists at high levels in organizations or in careers in which they get a lot of attention such as politics, entertainment, and the ministry. The job perk of being important and lauded is too irresistible to avoid.


How the Narcissist’s Identity Shifts Affect Their Partner:


* What self-image they have is often low and dependent on the roles they play or whether or not they feel liked or loved at     any moment in time

*It’s hard to have a relationship with someone who is constantly changing their identities

*It contributes to no-win situations, blame and criticism

*It feels as if the narcissist is stealing your good qualities, interesting mannerisms, likes, preferences, friends, hobbies and very identity

*As the narcissist changes identity, their need for supply from different sources creates the need to engage in affairs, which betrays the relationship and breaks all trust bonds

*You never get to know or love a REAL person even though you’ve loved genuinely

   It creates the feeling that we loved a “fantasy” an “illusion” or shadow of a person, which creates a looming sense of self-doubt and embarrassment

*Not only will they steal your identity, they’ll leaving you with your own identity crisis that you’ll have to repair in a prolonged recovery 

“Dear” Narcissist – Personalized For the Narc That Abused Me

Dear Love Faker
Dear Reputation Taker
Dear Defamation Maker
I’m still here!
Dear Soul Sucker
Dear Other Woman Fucker
Dear Responsibility Ducker
I’m still here!
Dear Karmas comin soon
Dear Crazy as a loon
Dear guy who cheats every noon
Im still here!
Dear Pretend to be good Dad
Dear Soul you never had
Dear Everyone knows your Bad
I’m still here!
Dear Woman User
Dear Legal System Abuser
Dear Romantic Loser
I’m still here!
Dear Pathological Liar
Dear Relationship Denier
Dear Sit in church with me Crocodile Crier
I’m still here!
Dear Identity Stealer
Dear Mind Game Dealer
Dear No Empathy feeler
I’m still here!
Dear multiple affair cheater
Dear misogynistic woman beater
Dear one ball having creeper
Im still here!
Dear Creator of Confusion
Dear Master of Illusion
Dear Reality is Delusion
I’m still here!
Dear REAL Stalker
Dear big shit talker
Dear fat body chalker
I’m still here!
Dear radio show actor
 Dear wife’s fortune benefactor
Dear promise detractor
Im still here!
Dear fake christian
Dear I aint listenin
Dear you wont have a pot to piss in
Im still here!
and it’s important you know that Im not going to stop telling the truth about you
Until you stop telling your lies about me. 



The Serenity Prayer Helps Survivors Separate Ourselves From the Narcissistic Abuser


There have been many times in my life that the serenity prayer has helped me with emotions that I found difficult to process; times of grief and loss where I felt helpless and hurting. It wasn’t until the abusive relationship with a narcissist that I fully understood what the serenity prayer meant and how applicable it is to coping with and overcoming the abusive, narcissistic relationship. By clearly defining what the dividing lines are between what we can control and what we can’t, we know better what to focus on as we empower ourselves and move forward in life. 

Whether your beliefs are in the God I believe in, there is still the element of humility, in releasing our attempt to control a situation to someone who is greater than ourselves. I believe that in the act of reaching out to our higher power or source, we are humbly recognizing that we aren’t the largest being in our own lives and universe, we don’t have all the answers, and sometimes, we need help from others to get where we need to be.

The beginning of the serenity prayer states, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change”....

Think about this for a moment; really ask yourself that question.

What is it that YOU, cannot change?

No matter how bad you want to, how much you’ve kidded yourself in the past that you could, no matter the act of your sheer will or utter desire will make what you’re longing for come true (the easy way).

As it pertains to the narcissistic relationship, asking for serenity to accept things we cant change, means:


The disorder

The lack of love, empathy, compassion, understanding, desire to fix the relationship

The cheating
The name calling
The silent treatment

The mind games

The gas lighting

The abuse

The way they treat the kids

The way they turn family members against you or cause drama in general

The smear campaign

All the lies they feed everyone to make you look crazy

I can go on and on and on with the various abuses they dole out, but the point here is…

WE CANNOT DO ONE THING IN OUR POWER TO CHANGE THEM or the things they do and say.

It was present LONG before we came into the picture, and despite what they say….NO. You are NOT the first one that’s brought this behavior out of them. If you don’t believe that, just ask the previous victim. Or the one before that. Or so on and so forth.

We had NOTHING to do with their developing psyches or their stunted growth. Their insecurity, envy, spite and rage may get triggered by things that other people say or do, but ultimately the narcissist is the only person responsible for how they feel and how they choose to act on those feelings. 

Wouldn’t we already have changed a narcissist, if it WERE within our power?

How much have we honestly tried to do, to settle things down? How much did we give the narcissist a feeling of safety with us? Let them know, they could really count on us and trust us, because we REALLY loved them? 

It DOES take a serene frame of mind to accept this truth. It’s when we finally calm down and realize that we did try everything and NOTHING worked to make things better. Acceptance of this fact, is a release. With this release comes peace and allowing ourselves to take a breather from doing the impossible: fixing a narcissist.

This first part of the prayer discusses the personal boundaries that exist around others and the responsibilities that arise as a result of two individuals having separate and distinct identities with demarcation lines around each of us, letting us know who’s stuff belongs to whom and who can fix what.

Each person has a separation line around themselves – a way to tell what is “me” and what is “you”. This other person, who we are asking God to accept as someone we cannot change – is the only person who can feel what they feel, think what they think, behave how they behave and say what they say.  No one or anything outside of those boundaries, cause this person to feel a certain way or act or say certain things. It is always a personal choice of the person at the center of the boundary.

If you think the boundaries only deal with those that exist around the OTHER person (the narcissist); not so fast…..The next part of the Serenity Prayer focuses on ourselves.

 “The courage to change the things we can” is drawing the attention back to ourselves.

The serenity prayer is a balanced equation of equanimity of  two key elements: What we can’t control and what we can. While we cannot control a narcissist, we can muster up the courage to take control of ourselves.  

Boy it does take courage to look at ourselves, doesn’t it? Looking honestly at our own deficiencies isn’t easy for most of us, but I can tell you, with practice, it really does get easier. No pretense, no mask is an easy way to live – and when we’re not in the presence of a narcissistic person who makes us pay emotionally for our imperfections (because they don’t have this boundary the serenity prayer calls for at all, they THINK our imperfections are a reflection of them and they think their imperfections belong to us).

We can only change ourselves. That’s the ONLY only thing in this universe that we have power over. Us. Our corporation. Our entity. Our body. Ourselves.  Our circus, our monkies. Like the narcissist, who we can’t change and don’t have any power over, we are responsible for 4 things:  Our feelings, our thoughts, our actions and our words.

I’d always heard the serenity prayer when I was younger and never understood it in terms of how its really teaching the concept of boundaries and responsibility. Then I heard a story that made sense to me:

A woman was about to embark on a very romantic vacation with her husband. She’d been planning it for months, imagined the amazing time they’d have together laughing and falling in love again.  When they got to their beach destination, all her husband did was complain. He bitched about the weather, the sun, the heat, the critters on the beach.  In the wife’s mind, this was NOTHING like she’d imagined and went on to have a “horrible” time, feeling neglected, angry, not relaxed and ready for divorce.

The wife had a horrible time, because of her thoughts. It wasn’t that the husband was horribly abusive, it was that he just didn’t enjoy the beach as a romantic getaway. He had his own work troubles on his mind and felt stressed out because he couldn’t be at home solving them.

Had the wife realized the second part of the serenity prayer during that week’s vacation, she could have had the courage to change the thing she could: HER ATTITUDE. She could have gotten up every morning, went for a nice, long walk on the beach, then spent the rest of the day lounging in the sun, splashing in the pool, getting some R&R and reading a book she hadn’t been able to read at home. Had she allowed herself the well deserved break, she’d have accumulated her own good feelings and self respect & possibly may have handled her complaining husband with a more playful, flirtacious manner or invited him to romance, but whether he agreed or declined, still would have had a great time on vacation. Same vacation; different feelings.

The courage to change the things we can requires that we put our big girl /boy panties on and assume responsibility for how we feel, how our life is going is up to us. Admitting we’ve placed all our eggs in the narcissist’s basket and hoping that their being better would make us happier is a failing prospect.

We DONT need the narcissist to change for us to be happy. WE need to change the way we think and feel about things, ourselves included, and then to decide how we’re going to live a happy life away from the narcissist. 

Let me clarify that this does NOT mean we need to stay & learn how to live with an abusive, narcissistic person. My thought on this is unequivocally, that the abusive relationship has to be terminated. Abusive relationships (those that contain a narcissist) are out of the realm of normalcy. There is too much toxicity and crossing of boundaries (abuse) that there’s no possible way for one person to be healthy and committed in one, while the narcissist is incapable of doing so. 

So we’ve covered the yin and the yang of the serenity prayer; the narcissist, who we’ve left,  and ourselves and we wind up with the last piece:


This one sentence puts it all in perspective. It’s about knowing the difference between ourselves. Where the lines are drawn in the sand. Who’s stuff belongs to who (even if the other person doesn’t want to ‘take’ their stuff) They don’t have to. This natural law of responsibility does it for them.

When we learn about this disorder, we start to learn that alot of things we were accused of were in actuality, behaviors or thoughts or feelings that belonged to the narcissist. The cheating wasn’t ours, the lying, the planned attack, the mental health problem, the paranoia, the envy, the triangulation, or selfishness – that was NOT our stuff to take responsibility for. The narcissist crossed those boundaries many times by accusing us of them, but in hindsight, we know that was just another thing that was messed about them. They can’t handle the serenity prayer because they think there is no second part and everything belongs to everyone else.

As we take good looks at ourselves, our vulnerabilities, issues and flaws, we can say, ok this one belongs to me, or I did ignore red flags I saw in the beginning. By acknowledging the things we did that we know we need to work on, we’re giving ourselves some possible tasks and achievable goals. It’s stuff we do need to fix. And! It’s stuff we CAN fix.

One of the biggest sadnesses I see in newly free, no contact targets, is this horrific self blame and feeling that we’re worthless. The narcissist is off pretending to be happily hooked up with someone new so soon, while the target remains grief stricken and hurting. So much of the targets self worth is boundary blended with the narcissist (even though distanced from the narcissist in physical proximity). Targets thoughts have long been been trampled over and brainwashed to constantly play the negative message that we are NO GOOD because we couldn’t make the narcissist happy.

The target has not yet had the chance to clear out all those old, untrue messages of the person that planted them there. And YES. Narcissists plant those seeds. Day in and day out, being told that you are worthless, selfish and an awful human being definitely begins to make you think those things about yourself and will resultantly cause you to feel bad about yourself; lowering your self esteem. We are still responsible for what we think, however, the constant aggression conditions a target to acquiesce to these negative thoughts in an act of survival. 

With taking in alot of new messages and understanding how the narcissist methodically administers abuse to us, we begin to push negative, critical put downs and behaviors, past our boundary and out of us because it isn’t ours.

We firmly draw a boundary around our own identity, thoughts and issues and we plant our feet firmly in trusting ourselves that we are clear and healthy enough in our thinking to know the difference between these two very different identities; a narcissist and ourselves. 

This wisdom also allows us to draw certain clear lines in the sand as it relates to domestic abuse by a narcissist. At NO TIME, is the target of a narcissist’s abuse RESPONSIBLE for the choices that narcissist makes to cheat on, demean, lie to, smear campaign, financially abuse, alienate children from, cause harm to and otherwise destroy. This is solely the choice of the abuser. This boundary is NOT up for debate about what the target did to deserve this. That argument only illustrates that the person holding that opinion does not clearly understand the concept of boundaries and personal responsibility. 

Why Doesn’t a Narcissist Just Use Prostitutes for Supply

First of all, let me say that prostitutes are people too. What we’re talking about here, is there are people who engage in the profession of being someone’s supply for a price; those people are called prostitutes.

Beyond the obvious, let’s theorize about this for a moment.

Since the narcissist is in relationships to get, take and use people – doesn’t it seem that prostitutes are an attractive group of people for the narcissist? They’ve openly  stepped up to the plate and said, “I can offer you ___________ ” for such and such a price – and both walk away from the non emotional arrangement satisfied?

Therein lies the rub. Narcissists don’t want ANYONE walking away from the situation satisfied. It’s not in them to care what the other person gets from their interaction. Not only that, they’ll convince themselves that they’re above having to pay for it or that a person who would charge for it is beneath them, not worthy of their time OR money.

Ill take it a step further and outright declare that the narcissists I’ve known are so Machiavellian, that they perversely enjoy the duping and manipulation because it further substantiates their false self image as being that of a “good con” “above the law” and “smart enough to get away with pulling the wool over others’ eyes”. There’s no empathy nor conscience about who a narcissist uses or hurts. Therefore, they get more “evil cred” by choosing a nice person, charming the pants off them (literally) and manipulating them into sticking around in a one-sided, toxic takership.

I witnessed first hand the dupers delight in the narcissist’s eyes. He outright committed acts of duping and harming people (his children included) where he’d get an evil laugh, his eyes got beedy and dark with evil excitement and he laughed at people openly for being such “chumps”.

Narcissists can’t honestly wheel and deal with people about what they hope to get out of the ‘relationship’, because they KNOW that anyone in their right mind, would look at them and tell them to GET LOST.

Who is unhealthy enough that they would agree with a narcissist’s one sided idea of healthy?

“So you’re telling me Im not going to get anything back from you, but you want me to stick in here, give you all I have, and never leave you?” “Ok! That sounds like a deal!!”

That requires too much honesty; that a narcissist would never possess. In their eyes, those who would go along with that kind of plan (like a prostitute for money) would not be “good enough” to validate their flagelling self esteem.

They much more enjoy the duping, the tricking, the almost getting caught, the highs, the lows, the drama and the tears of unrequited love on the part of the nice person they’ve conned.

There are great stakes for the narcissists sense of power and entitlement for them to mastermind a plot against a good person. They know inside that they are dark, evil, and very different from a good person. They know their own manipulations and tricks. When they “take on” a good person, they’re the evil that’s taking down “good”. Those qualities that make good people who they are: trusting, kind, unconditionally loving, etc. are the qualities that 1) Narcissists KNOW they don’t possess but envy and 2) make the narcissist believe that we were wiling saps or chumps.

They view our goodness as a weakness and their manipulation and perversion of our goodness as their STRENGTH.

Bottom line? They get a huge electrical charge out of taking down good people.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t though, because what goes up in the beginning – “our valuing”, where the narcissist places us  on a pedestal of the “best” “most” “brightest” “greatest”, will soon fall down as the narcissist realizes that nothing can shield them from abandonment. Even tricking their partner into staying with them. They begin to devalue us, claiming that we aren’t as great as they first hoped we were. This is a combination of their rage on the other side of their envy, their frustration that someone yet again isn’t able to fulfill all their longings and desires perfectly (the perfectly loving parent)  and projection where they cast off their shame upon us, using us as a scapegoat to discharge their negative thoughts and feelings about themselves.

The narcissist subconsciously lives out the old Groucho Marx saying,  “I wouldn’t want to be a member of any club that would have me”. And turns the blame towards us, finger pointing that there is something wrong with us for going along with all this abuse and manipulation in the first place. This thought is amplified by the fact we’ve likely left and returned many times to the abusive relationship with the narcissist.

Ultimately, a narcissist doesn’t need to use a prostitute. Someone or something they’d have to pay for requires far too much skin in the game for the narcissist. Trickery and manipulation gets them so much more “evil street cred” in the narcissist’s mind as well as the valuable time of someone who was duped into sacrificing themselves to make the narcissist happy; a failing gamble.

In the end, a good person will cost the narcissist, absolutely NOTHING.


How The Trauma of Narcissistic Abuse Changes Our World Views







The word  “Trauma” is derived from the Greek term meaning “wound.” When targets encounter relationships with narcissists, what takes place is a human wound & trauma. When a person is wounded, there requires a time of healing; however scarring is often a result.

During times of psychic trauma, our belief that we are invulnerable to harm becomes shattered. Our defense mechanisms break down and we suddenly can’t function the way we used to. We begin to feel inadequate for not having the ability to process the trauma in a short time. Subsequent emotional arousal can reawaken the narc abuse experience that we feel the emotions all over again and realize that there’s an ongoing attack on those defense mechanisms; we’re attacked both within and without. The trauma of narcissistic abuse collapses our worldview and assumptions about life in one full blow.

Our assumptions about how we think life should operate act as boundaries around our reality. Inside these boundaries, we place all our deepest hopes, expectations, fears, dreams, ideals, thoughts and definitions of what makes life safe and meaningful. We can easily see ourselves in this wonderful, serene portrait, known as our life.  Narcissistic Abuse breaks that picture. Like a beautiful portrait falling to the floor, suddenly the frame surrounding our beautiful portrait of reality, is laying before us shattered in pieces.

If we have the belief that honesty is a virtue, justice is fair, and people are basically good, then our world view would be if not naive, a world view that we are safe and protected from the opposite of those virtues: Evil, unfairness, lies, betrayal and injustice. That is until we meet a narcissist. The tragedy is, that we will come to know firsthand, all the things we didn’t want to believe existed. Tragedy challenges and shatters our long held beliefs. That’s what makes the narc abuser so damaging. When something so far outside the range of our experiences happens to us, it throws us for a loop.

The Assumptions that are shattered from Narcissistic Abuse are:

We live a life possibly over estimating the likelihood that we won’t meet with devastation or peril especially at the hands of someone who says they Love us. Most of us believe that humans are basically good, honest and not going to purposefully cause us harm. When the narcissist acts out against us, either by lying, cheating on us, using us, causing financial ruin, criminal harm, physically abusing us, or other forms of their abuse, they are sending the message to us that the world as we know it, no longer feels safe. We now know that evil, unsafe people exist in the world we live. Invulnerability says, “That won’t happen to me.” We watch TV shows such as “Who The Bleep Did I Marry” and think, how could that person not know they were marrying a fraud. We feel safe in our living rooms, sitting back in our arm chairs exclaiming that we are somehow immune from the interpersonal dangers that harm others. The narcissist comes along, pulls the wool over our eyes, loots our minds and bodies while we “aren’t looking” and leaves us without resources, scrambling to make sense of what happened. When we’re wounded this way, we feel victimized. That victimization leaves us feeling vulnerable. Our close relationships become a place we no longer feel safe in. We aren’t prepared for the effect that narc abuse has on all our relationships. We suddenly realize we don’t trust ANYONE.

Television shows depict crime shows that wrap up in an hour, with a beginning, middle and end that allow us as the viewer to carry the belief that trauma and tragedy come wrapped in a package that looks time limited and easily healed. When vulnerability follows us around everyday after narc abuse, it’s somewhat difficult to face the reality that our world view has been permanently altered and our lives are lived with a heightened sense of vulnerability.

This assumption is visible in our belief that things that happen in life have a rhyme and reason to them. Life makes sense to us, has meaning and is logical. The idea that we believe that people who say they love us, behave in a predictable, loving manner towards us that is evidenced in their actions toward us. When narcissists and their behavior have a traumatic impact on our lives, they become a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit.

The more we try to make sense of the trauma the more incomprehensible and monstrous the event becomes. Narcissists defy our logic. They act in ways we can’t. They lack things that we believe all human beings possess; like a conscience. The assumption that all things make sense and are understandable is deeply rooted in the human psyche. We are rational beings who reason, analyze and need order; its what differentiates us from animals. When the trauma of narcissistic abuse hits us, our rationality becomes a curse.

Homosapien is latin for “Thinking man”. Normal human beings cannot fathom the animal like approach that narcissists show towards their own kind. They’re a cold, detached, calculated predator of their fellow man. This is not something we rationally believe is true. The meaninglessness of narcissistic abuse drives us into despair. We know what the narcissist did to us was not necessary, it was pure overkill, they exacted a plan against us with such hatred towards us that we can’t comprehend.

We are rational beings. When we seek to find the reason to explain why narcissists abuse us, no meaning is found; the traumatic blow is heightened which can cause us to seek unhealthy forms of coping through  various types of escapism (Alcohol, Drugs, shopping, eating, sex, etc.).  How many of these activities we choose is evidence of the degree that our assumption of Rationality was shattered.

We must find ways to pull ourselves together to reintegrate our shattered world view of rationality. I think that this is why it’s so important to educate ourselves about narcissistic personality disorder. Once we know the reason that the narcissist behaved towards us why they did, it goes a LONG WAY towards rebuilding our sense of order, predictability and safety in our lives.

Just as we expect our world to be orderly and make sense, we also have the expectation that the world is just and fair. We expect good guys to be rewarded and bad guys to go to jail.   Our expectation that life is fair towards us is the primary assumption that frames our reality. It makes no sense to us when we face unwarranted, irrational and undeserved mental /emotional torture by a narcissist. Narcissistic abuse is an unjust intrusion into our happy, loving lives. As we suffer, our human spirit rages in torment over the abuse. This event can cause many of faith, to challenge their belief about God’s presence amidst the tragedy, questioning why God has seemingly left us alone.

For many of us, the trauma produces a second crisis: a crisis of our own faith. If our assumptions haven’t been challenged to this degree formerly, it can be a rather catastrophic event to be exposed to the inhumane treatment of a narcissist.


When the bombs of life hit us, our worldview is shattered. Our assumption of a fair world run by a benevolent deity is brought into direct conflict with the hell of our pain. Experiencing extreme pain affects how we view ourselves. The picture of the beautiful, happy loving world we used to live in, involved our own part of that picture. We all carry pictures of ourselves in our heads. Most of us have the belief that we are capable to wake up in the morning, shower, get ourselves dressed and proceed throughout our day making our living. The trauma of victimization changes all this. We seriously question ourselves after a narcissist victimizes us. Are we weak? Are we needy? How did we not see them for who they were? Weren’t we intelligent? How did we not pick up on the lies? Are we out of control? It makes no sense to us when we face unwarranted, irrational and undeserved mental /emotional torture by a narcissist.

The victimization of us was neither expected nor intended to be our choice. We did not want to be lied to, cheated, cheated on, stolen from, lied about, sold down the river and thrown away. We did NOT see this coming. We perceive ourselves as helpless and powerless. Our self perceptions change. Will we now always be victimized in relationships? Will we be singled out again? These new self perceptions can cause us to act out again, from this perception; becoming another victim to a narcissist.

Psychic trauma is the collapse of the structure of self resulting from a catastrophic human experience and a resultant chaotic response. We must be careful to deal with the issue of self perception after narcissistic abuse in order to prevent this. We were victimized, we are NOT a victim. We have choices. We are responsible. That is why we are learning two important fundamentals of identity after narcissistic abuse:  Who the narcissist is, and who we are. Two very distinct people capable of two very distinct types of behavior towards others. Pathologically hateful vs mutually loving. (We fear we’ve become like the narcissist as we grapple with our own feelings of intense hate towards our abuser)

After narcissistic abuse, our sense of wholeness and integration has been lost. We no longer see how our life fits into the larger world with significance, meaning and purpose.  Who we were in the world was lost. Not only was the frame around the picture broken, but the picture itself has been destroyed.  We look into the frame and see nothing. We’ve lost our bearings, our boundaries, our sense of who we are. This loss is devastating. Not to know who we are, when our lives are collapsing around us is almost as painful as the abuse itself.

The coup de gras of narcissistic abuse is that final horrible realization that not only have we been cheated on, lied to, abused, and left hung out to dry, but that the rules that defined who we previously were, no longer exist and no longer operate in our lives. It’s what I believe creates the “walking dead” effect of this abuse. The final blow is how we’re left an empty shell, no longer ourselves.

Ultimately each of these worldview assumptions need to be transformed into new operational plans for our future. It takes a tremendous amount of time, reforming our identities. The time spent is worth it when we consider that our new view incorporates the reality that evil people like the narcissist really do exist in life, that they are a human predator who is a danger in relationships and should be avoided at all costs. It doesn’t mean all people will be harmful to us in our future, but it does allow us to quickly assess the presence of sociopathic traits in those around us and to avoid them like the plague.


Dont Let Desperation Cause You to Overlook the Red Flags

No one ever gave us the piece of advice that would help us AVOID getting destroyed by a narcissist; so Ill give some here: EXAMINE YOUR BELIEFS.


Words like, “He’s a jerk. She’s a manipulator. He’s just an ‘ahole'” DONT WORK. They try to let us know that people that don’t respect us shouldn’t be given a place to roam free in our lives, minds and hearts, but they don’t really HELP us avoid narcissists or leave one, once we realize they’re no good for us.


We need to reach people that are clearly ample targets for narcissists and inform them how to dig through the overtly flattering, flowery, charming, sharmy, tactics that a narcissist uses to ingratiate themselves into our healthy, happy lives before they leave us a hollow empty shadow of our former selves.


When people are being targeted, they initially are NOT feeling weary or concerned by a narcissist’s evil disorder; contrarily, they’re feeling love bombed, flattered, blinded, and blindsided by ONE thing: MANIPULATION.


There’s no real specialness to a narcissist. All they have is the ACT of being special. We would not dive bomb head first into the web of these predators if it weren’t for the ways they trick and deceive us into thinking they are “nice people”.


I personally never would have fallen for a person who was already in a relationship with someone else, because I knew it was WRONG. I had morals. I had a conscience. But what I didn’t know that I had, was a VULNERABILITY to MANIPULATION.


I wasn’t being courted by a narcissist, I was being WORKED OVER & SET UP. What I shared with that person was not “love” nor sharing at all. I was being duped. I was told constantly things that were not true, things that buttered me up, things I wanted to hear.

I believed it was genuine because I was seeing what I perceived “love” to be. The narcissist, after careful plucking of information from me about what “love is” – MIRRORED back to me my own illusions of love and gave me the impression that’s that what I was getting back. In reality I was getting nothing more than being BLINDSIDED by an enemy who pretended to be my soul mate. When you love a narcissist genuinely, the ONLY thing you’ll get in return is ABUSE.


We are used; our feelings and attributes,  taken from us by narcissists as if they are entitled to them. Wrestled out of them by a person who can fight longer, harder and meaner than anything we have in us.

When we are in love with someone, we expect that we’ll be loved and treated fairly in return. With a narcissist, smoke, mirrors and flowery words are used to convince us that we “should” feel safe with no concurrent actions supporting them.  They’ll often accuse us of being too paranoid, emo, or insecure (a favorite) for questioning them or wanting to talk about it simply because we’re acting on our gut instinct that we in fact AREN’T SAFE.

The narcissist attempts to convince us with their hollow words that they’ll be there to catch us when we fall. If we’ve been called insecure, we’ll feel the need to “prove” that we really ARE secure and be sure to either never bring the subject up again or to spend alot of time analyzing the “Truth” in this statement.


It’s not that we’re foolish. We’re just clueless to the fact, that it’s the narcissist who kicks the chair out from under us and never steps in to pick us up at all. They’ll have a million excuses and reasons about why they didn’t and guess what? It will be our fault! They’ll bombard us with  blaming statements about OUR WORTH in order to undermine and turn the tables back on us for simply being close in proximity so the narcissist, and not being “strong enough” to just get back up and dust ourselves off.


When targets are at their most vulnerable, is when we’re most unaware of our blind spots and in denial – it’s when we need to hear most, the messages that shore up our ‘holes’ that allow the narcissistic predator into our lives.


Beliefs that help us avoid a narcissist:

We DONT NEED love to complete us. We don’t need the narcissist’s approval or anything else they withhold to control us, to feel WHOLE.

We don’t need flattery. When your self esteem and self worth are already solidly built on who you are, we won’t NEED any form of someone outside ourselves telling us that we “matter” “are wanted” “needed” or are “special”. No one outside ourselves should be given this much power to affect our sense of specialness; whether that be a mate, a friend, or a family member.


We don’t need to chase people.


We don’t need to read minds.


We can say no and stick to it, despite someone pressuring us, calling us names or threatening to reject us if we don’t give in.


We do NOT have to give the benefit of doubt to everyone, it doesn’t make us untrusting people, it makes us cautious and smart. Once you’ve had a predator in your life, You are foolish if you’re NOT cautious and discerning.


We should NEVER entertain a relationship with someone who’s already in one.


Excessive flattery is a red flag and a sign of a manipulative sociopath – not a sign of someone who has true feelings for us.


We matter. We deserve to validate our own thoughts, feelings and desires. Our needs are important. It is self caring and loving to tend to those needs, not selfish despite how many times we’ve heard those words.


We are not here to save the world or be responsible for others’ happiness.


When someone doesn’t listen to how we feel or what we want, we are not being loved. Love is respect and admiration. Without true respect for our individuality and right to have boundaries, we have ABUSE. This is a narcissist’s ‘specialty’.


Boundaries are our friends! Practice saying No. Explore what you don’t want in your life. Explore what kinds of things frustrate you and cause you to feel angry. That is an indicator of a crossed boundary. Practice, practice, practice, still doesn’t make perfect with boundaries, but your life will get cleaned up really quickly and stay that way, when you take the lead role in enforcing your own rules & attend to your own gate keeping.


It is NOT mean nor judgmental to discern, mistrust and not offer benefit of the doubt to someone who hasn’t EARNED our trust. Trust is earned through consistent, stable, respectful, thoughtful, sharing, fair, reciprocal friendship and basic human decency.


Empathy is NOT something that every human possesses. Don’t fill in the gaps of what’s missing from a narcissist’s psyche. When they show you they can’t care about others then they’re showing you they can’t care about YOU. Why spend your time with someone who cons you into thinking that you’ll get caring treatment when they know full well, they can’t give that.


People’s words are MEANINGLESS. Utterly meaningless. When I hear someone bragging on about who they know, what they do, what they drive, what they’re doing in their lives that’s so “amazing”…I hear “Wah wah wah wah” . People that DONT have something to prove, don’t PROVE. Words are hollow.


Look at the actions of a person to know what to expect from them. Nothing more. And if you’ve tried to get them to take your feelings seriously but they come back at you with excuses and blame towards you as to why your feeling either doesn’t matter or worse is “silly” or “dramatic” then you have all the answers you need to cut your losses and get as far away from this person as possible. Life isn’t a dress rehearsal. Time is precious. Wasting it on a narcissist is not something we do when we are healthy.


Find out what it is, that makes you vulnerable to any of the ploys this disordered character uses, and then STRENGTHEN them! All within your control, and entirely achievable! Image

“Im Ready to Move ON!!!” – Why Does Recovery Take So Long?


Speaking with other survivors / targets of narcissists, I’ve identified that there’s a common & rather grave concern about the amount of time it takes to recover from narcissistic abuse.

Recovery from this trauma waxes and wanes with such unpredictable and strong waves that it’s not difficult for even the seasoned “veteran” among us to get shaken up a bit by the years that seem to drift by while we’re  WORKING ON THINGS. It feels as if we’ll never get better.

Ptsd certainly presents a conducive hyper alert state anyway, triggers can result from the most unlikely sources and there you are, trembling – struggling to stand up to someone who’s bullying you, calling you names or threatening you or some other version of narc memories as if they’re happening currently in loud and vivid color.

The areas of our lives that are impacted by narc abuse are so far reaching that it deeply sinks into the cores of our beings, our identities – and stays with us like an unwelcome visitor. Not one area was NOT affected by this abuse: Our Emotional, Mental, Spiritual, and even Physical  lives forever altered by narcissism. It makes sense why each area of repair takes a very long time before we feel completely recovered from narcissistic abuse.

Life circumstances always seem to draw us back into the trauma. We vividly relive the moments we were muted and taunted by a terrorist who said they loved us.

Events on the job make us sensitive. Too many times, reminders exist in the office bully who finds you to be a sweet target. If we’ve mastered the art of avoidance, we run from job to job, hoping to find an environment that doesn’t threaten us.

People we bump into, socially remind us ever so slightly of the way the narc squinted, jerked quickly around in response to a remark, on and on, too many seemingly innocuous triggers to list.

We may have failed relationship after failed relationship, with one after another, and question what we are doing wrong – which leads us back to validating what the narc said about us all along – that we’d end up alone. We fear they’ll always have a hold on our future; this ghost of our past.

We may hear that the narcissist is up to their old tricks, getting away with their crimes all over again or hear that the narcissist is succeeding somehow and have feelings that the narcissist is doing so much better than we are: permanently scarred and traumatized, while they dance off into the sunset, unscathed.

We may have vengeful thoughts or desires for karma to hurry it’s arrival only to feel guilty for not forgiving or moving on sooner or “with more grace” or sportsmanlike conduct.

When did WE become OUR OWN ENEMY?

Is this a permanent flea we’ve picked up from the narcissist? Are we now tied forever to the darkest part of our lives?

Although we know we are responsible, how do we delete these memories or make them fade to black and white? How do we make them less powerful?

I didn’t use to be so fearful of people. I had the impression that every person I met would be a friend. Now, I worry that every person will be an enemy in sheep’s clothing. This protection seems to be a new requirement after narc abuse; for how can we imagine not building this boundary when to not do so, would be to our peril? Every person we are getting to know is a potential predator. Once we’ve been traumatized by a narcissist, our innocence is forever stolen.

The realization that it’s been SO DAMN LONG, is no other way to put it: DEPRESSING. I hear this time and again. When I share with someone who’s been out quite a long time, it surprises me to hear we share the same sentiment:  “When the hell is this going to be over!??” Again and again, I hear, “When you find “the cure” let me know!” These are people that I admire greatly and consider VERY STRONG people yet, they’re struggling to let go of fear, anger, retribution, and even hate.

I may not have all the answers, but I can honestly say, I am completely OPEN to God, to give me the answer to this one last piece of the puzzle…HOW DO WE PUT NARCISSISTIC ABUSE BEHIND US, 100%, ONCE AND FOR ALL?

Stay tuned . . .

Spotting the Narcissist – Know the Signs or Suffer the Wrath

It’s not hard to see evidence of a person’s narcissism in their actions. Their deeds only go unnoticed because of a targets lack of knowledge about this personality disorder. To demystify the toxic hold these creatures have on others, KNOW THE SIGNS.

Covert Narcissists; the Proverbial Wolf in Sheeps Clothing

Narcissists Have Two Very Distinct Groups of People in their Lives




The Ones that don’t know them (those that love them) and those that KNOW THEM (and can’t stand them).

Talking to another victim of the narcissist that abused me last evening made me realize a few things about narcissists and their 2 very opposing camps of people in their lives. 

The narcissist guards these camps like a prison guard. Making sure that the two camps have NO INTERACTION. Theyll build a wall so high that the dupe won’t see past it: the other camp is described by the narcissist as “crazy, bitter, revengeful, jealous, harmed the narcissist and still wants to harm them.” The tales they’ll spin to build that wall, is unbeknownst to the new target, a PRISON that will soon cause them to feel trapped and lifeless.

The narcissist knows with dire fear, that their gig is up if the duped person begins to believe what those in the other camp have to say and recognize it with clarity as truth.


One camp is the duped and deluded. They’re infatuated, obsessed even boot licking sycophants who can see NO WRONG the narcissist does. They make excuses for the narcissists bad behavior, to the point of acting as accomplice to toy with the emotions of a previous victim, They refuse to listen to anyone from the other camp whose tried to warn them that there is DANGER ahead.

They’re fueled by flattery, falsehoods, manipulation of their own mirrored emotions and dreams and becoming as obsessed with the narcissist as much as the narcissist is themselves. They want to scream from the rooftops how they’ve found the love of their life, their long lost best friend, or the most loving partner ever. They sing the narcs praises and fuel the common addiction and budding codependency.

They don’t use judgments about character to step back and look at the narcissists actions and don’t ask themselves the important questions:

How can this man claim to be a loving person, yet cheat repeatedly on his wife? The “love of your life” is NEVER married to someone else. Narcissist’s are.

How can this person feign sensitivity, yet every time you bring up emotions, they cannot be sensitive at all?

How can this person give the appearance that they’re a devoted father when the narcissist has a difficult time deciding whether to go to their child’s school events vs an appearance that will bolster the narc’s image?

Why are they beginning to act obsessed, question themselves and their values in this person’s presence, yet feel like this could be your soul mate?

How can a person you respect have a trail of victims, romantic, business associates, and “friends” who can tell you a whole other side to your “soul mate” if only you’d listen.


These are the people who will give you a more HONEST account of who the narcissist is, and it is based on FACT after having dealt with them. Things went horrible with us and the narcissist, and that is NOT because of some manufactured weakness or ‘issue’ they claim WE POSSESS. It’s the traits that they possess, the ones we’re trying to warn you about: their NARCISSISM.

The other camp aren’t people who make stories like this up. They are honest, good, talented and loving people who were swept up in the narc’s tornado of false charm and flattery, who’ve had a beginning , a middle and an end with a narcissist and are here to say, GET OUT, NOW! Even while it’s feeling good, it’s a ruse! This WONT END WELL.

We aren’t sour grapes. We actually CARE that other people not be hurt by the narcissist. We aren’t trying to hurt people or simply “hurt” the narcissist (even though that’s what they’ll tell the new dupes) but we honestly, genuinely can’t stand the thought of someone else getting used and abused as we did; we know we didn’t deserve it and we believe that others don’t as well.

As the other target of the narcissist and I talked, the common expression on their part, was that they cannot believe how the narcissist gets away with it time and again. They informed me of more victims that no longer drink the narc’s kool aid. A business associate that was railroaded once he was no longer worshipped as the narcs golden ticket into higher ‘ratings’ is now able to see the narc from a startling clear distance and can see that he is an abominable human.

As this conversation went on, I recollected the narc specifically telling me, that once people get to know him, they HATE him. This is true. I see prolonged hatred from his victims. I think this stems from the need for justice. All the people I’ve spoken to, are in one way or another really gifted people. Kind, open, honest communicators, with talent. Once admired, by the narcissist for these traits, then burnt to the ground in his desire to destroy those he envies.

They all are able to articulate that they witness his mental illness; but only from the distance they gain once they’ve been discarded.

There’s a certain comfort and validation that comes from speaking to someone that really KNOWS how the narcs eyes get beady, how his body language gets squirmy when he’s being called on the carpet for something. To know that Im telling a story to someone that can smell his narcissism the same way I do, somehow lets my healing seep deep into my bones. I KNOW, they KNOW.

Finally, I think we found catharsis in saying that the one thing we know for certain is that the line of witnesses that would like to be present to watch the narc finally get what’s coming to him, is a number well into the hundreds. I pictured myself raising a toast to all those fellow survivors and breathing a big sigh of relief.


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